Attention Deficiency Writes

2024

2024-01-30T00:47:00.001+08:00

Been more than a decade since I wrote here. Seems like my writing days are gone pretty long ago.

Had an emotional episode at the doc's today as I found out that he is advancing his retirement. I felt helpless all over again. Feels like 20 again when I first encountered autoimmune disorder. Helpless and lost. Did not expect myself to get emotional as I have never lost it infront of him. The stoic him, sat and hear me out with compassion when I told him that this is a very long journey and I am getting very exhausted. Each day I have to coax myself and come to terms with me all over again especially so when it is a down day. Not knowing how it feels to be 100% is not great but I have to push myself to function and to be productive under that circumstance. I have to work harder than most, consciously or not, to compensate the lacking.

It feels terrible to not be able to articulate and express myself from brain fog. I get frustrated that I cannot complete my own sentences and I can't express myself to the exact nuance of my feelings and emotions. Feels like my freedom of expression has been robbed. My foggy mind does not feel as sharp and agile and I feel it deteriorating. I need to refer to recipes as I am confidence with my muscle memory, even with recipes that I am familiar with. I am trying, trying to calm my nerves, manage my emotions, manage my expectations, but, am I really managing?

I am struggling.

But too hard headed to be defeated.

2013-03-18T20:43:00.002+08:00

I really didn't want to write this or even say these things to you but I don't have a choice anymore. I have tried so many things in so many ways and I cannot see it breaking through. I need to let you know how I feel and that I am exhausted. I am so exhausted from trying and my heart is breaking again. I don't know how long more I can do this, I can't seem to withhold them anymore. I am sorry that I needed to unload these to you now, when there are so many things going on in your life. I just can't put up an act that it is ok, because it hurts me each time I hug and kiss you, hoping that everything will be ok when it is not getting any better.

I feel that you have been taking me and this relationship for granted. I was disappointed that it took you 3 months to realize that me coming here is a big deal, that I am putting my life on hold for us. I thought you knew it before this, I assumed that you knew. When you said that you are sorry, I thought that you understood what it means and how big a deal it is for me. But I found myself at disappointment again when we last fought, when I brought the matter up saying that it means I am putting my life on hold, letting go of chances and opportunities, you retorted with 'why are you speaking as if you are 30 or 40. you're only 25 and opportunities probably hasn't even come yet' I was very upset because it didn't seem like you understood what I am sacrificing. Opportunities and chances may come and I would have to let them go because this relationship is important to me but the way you said it made me feel like I was belittled. You asked me is life not better for me here? Is it really better when I can't work and when there is no financial freedom? When my education is probably not recognized to get me a decent job? Is it really better?

Things that you say hurts me at times but I know that it is because I am sensitive. For example, when I planned and threw that surprise birthday party for you, you said 'but I paid for all the ingredients' I know that you meant it as a joke, but what you didn't know is that I paid for a lot more other ingredients on that day. When you said that you will not bring down your morals just to marry me and keep me in the country, I was hurt because it came across to me as I am not worthy. But I know that you didn't mean it that way. I know it was just the way you speak, and I was being over sensitive. That is why I didn't want to make a big issue out of it. Nevertheless, I was hurt. I was hurt when you think that I was lying to bring you down, when it was to me a communication breakdown. I was hurt because you could even think of me in that way. I was hurt when you brought up 'why didn't i question what we can do to make option 2 work' why didn't i question the ways to manage our finances. It's because I trust you when you said that we can't cut down on anything anymore and I didn't want to be a burden that will make your life quality drop. It should be something that you initiate and I didn't have to query your logic behind finances because it is your department of expertise. However, I wouldn't have chosen option 2 knowing how much it will put us both in a struggle.

I am going to sound really self righteous here but I need you to know and it will make sense of why I said this. I want you to know the things that I have been doing beyond what your eyes could see and I want you to tell me what you have done beyond my eyes could see. Coming here as you know was not easy. Working for the money was one, but what you didn't know is the fact that I am putting my family and my own reputation at stake. Being in an Asian family, you should know how words will spread that we are living together uncommitted. Though we did not involve ourselves sexually and sin in that sense, no one is going to believe me and rumours are spreading behind my back. But I knew what I am getting myself into. I have been reading up a lot on relationship books and articles, I even read the ones that discusses on commitment issues. Because I really want this to work. In order for that to happen, I need to understand what I didn't and I try every way that I could to understand and see from where I could not. I have been praying almost every single night not for the past 3 months, but it has been for the past 6 years maybe. The reason why I always try to digest things and not speak up is because I know that I often speak in outbursts of emotions and I didn't want to say hurtful things though I know I sometimes do. I try to calm myself down and set my emotions apart, I try.

All of these things happening had me questioning myself. Do I love you? No doubt that I do, so very much. I asked if I am doing this as a compensation for the insecurities in my life? Am I in this relationship searching merely for security? It is not, because more often I was insecure than secure. I remembered you said that it didn't feel like I am your girlfriend, it feels more like a best friend thing. Then you told me that you cannot see yourself marrying me when we were going out. And now, you want to put this relationship through another test because you are not sure. I don't see myself getting very secured and I am not afraid to be single, I am not afraid to walk out of this relationship, but I chose not to because I love you.

What I need is your commitment and what you cannot give is commitment. I have told you before that I cannot be in a relationship that is not as committed as I am. Partner's visa does allow me to work if I get it but if this relationship falls, it also means that you have to immediately report that and I will need to leave this country. That is as much security that a partners visa can give. I cannot live a half life, youth has it's time. I can't afford to take another leap into the maybe. Things don't work if you are not committed to making them come true. I don't know what else is there that I can do. I am exhausted.

2013-02-08T21:31:00.003+08:00

Revisiting The Log Forsaken Blog

Wow no post at all in 2012. Too many things happened. Been too long since I blogged.

I was moved out of comfort zone when the company relocated to Mid Valley and I had a slice of the KL-ites working life. The city life where traffic is mad and everything is expensive and everyone is dressed to the crop. I was promoted and was given heavier responsibilities at work which my boss claims to be a grooming stage as he wants to set me to go far in my career. He had always assured me that he has faith and believes in me. On another spectrum of my life, I was taking part time baking classes which was an incredible experience and I had enjoyed and am very thankful that I took it up. Then I was also too late in the queue for a work and holiday visa application, which landed me a one year tourist visa here in Australia. I resigned from my job and is spending, currently coming to my 5th month in unemployment and living under the same roof with the person I love for a big fragment in my life. After almost 3 years of long distance relationship we finally get to be next to each other every single day and are celebrating almost every festival together. Feels really good. Now we are considering for me to stay another 6 months to ease the application of partner's visa. The somewhat downside is that he isn't quite ready for commitment. I don't know if I am doing the right thing to put my life on hold while waiting for him to solve the mystery that's boggling him.

Life turns out to be comical as I did not imagine how things laid out behind me while I can only dream of how to lay what is yet to come. But should we worry? Because life never quite turn out as how I painted them in my mind. Here I am stranded between love and love. I am merely an ordinary girl.

I don't have answers to my questions and I am quite clueless on what I should do.

Brain Waves

2011-11-29T15:10:00.001+08:00

Humans can be the most ungrateful being on Earth at times. I am one and I know that I occasionally have this 'assface/ass-phase" in life. The times where I feel like this whole world is against me and that Feng Shui/Karma/Voodoo and what nots are out there grabbing me like I am some food supply being dropped into zombieland. I am not alone and I know. That does not make me happy either 'cause there's other neurotics out there like me.

Having that brain check did me some good. At this point where I am still struggling to know how to go about with things, I somehow coaxed myself into numbness. I heard me telling me sweet nothings of things that is secondary nonetheless important.

It really is frustrating to come to realization on a hospital bed after being throughly ogled by some space-tech doppelganger machine. It was like a freakin' avant garde coffin!
I was numb through the entire drama until some quiet time at night. There's where all the mindrama came in.

What if my brain is screwed? What if they find some weird patterns?

I won't be able to laugh it off with "My medical film is artistic. Let's hold an exhibition" or with any stupid tasteless jokes of mine. What would I do? How should I break the news? What do I want to do?

I just really want two things. Cliche but true.

First; I want to spend quality moments with people I love. The boyfriend, the non-biological family, and the family. But, I would like to die with none of them seeing me catch the last breath 'cause I don't want people looking at my stupid gasping for air face. Too ego and vain for that.

Second; I want to make a difference in someone's life. I want to reach out to people and make a difference in their life. This is really what I want to do for a living.

The graphic details of ballistics in my head just really magnify who and what are important. At the end of it, it does make me feel like a dumbass to to pay 2000 bucks and a night of discomfort to figure that out. But I guess, sometimes we just get so bogged down with racing, we focus entirely on the medal, not realizing that we are losing gems that we didn't need to lose.

Ringing Bells and Screamy Nerves

2011-11-26T13:10:00.001+08:00

Alarm. Snooze. Alarm. Shower. Dress-up. Go... to... work...

Typical wake up, office job, come home, catch up with long distance boyfriend, sleep. Repeat the S.O.P. the next day and/or until life is sorted.

Not so for the past two weeks 'cause I woke up and went to work with half my face being paralysed and did not realized until afer lunch. Since I am oh-so-good with attracting weird crap, my auto-brain just processed with it's another allergy episode. No fret. The antihistamines can wait. No panic buttons, no emergency sirens, don't dramatize your life, you don't need it.

Well done. I did not freak out but others did. Symptoms of strokes!!! GO TO THE DOC NOW! So I went. As I pre-diagnosed; allergy. It didn't subside overnight, ok maybe I should start panicking. God of all information, I seek ye; GOOGLE.

Search: half face paralysis
Finding: Bell's Palsy
Personal finding: I'm awesome like that

Went to the doc again 'cause obviously it's no allergy. Felt smart when he told me it's Bell's Palsy 'cause I figured it out through great G. So here comes 60 mg of steroids and Acyclovirs. Medical leave, drugged, mobile internet. Life was spent as such. Weekend over; back to work, still disfigured.

Everything got worse, added two pounds of swell and a dozen of numbness, also it's follow up day. Got a referral letter to seek specialist's opinion.

Specialist opinion: Bell's Palsy + do an MRI to ensure no hanky panky = Admission

Thus, MRI after a long day spent at the hospital, no brain weirdness. Just go electrocute your face and get some facexercise and load up on drugs.

However, I am getting a lot of "nerves" as in pain.

Here's the souvenir of part of my undamaged brain scan.

2011-11-16T19:13:00.001+08:00

When You Think It Worst

Remember when you asked why is life like this? You may have heard that it is a riddle, an adventure, a book that you're the author of, a journey and all the other yaddas yaddas...

Maybe.

There are many ideologies that tries to define life and one of it says "You define life", my thought? It's a yes, no, probably.

When I thought I've hit rock bottom, I am kidding you not, that's not it. There's always a rock at that rock bottom. You're never quite rock bottom if you did not hit the core of the Earth, and pierce through it and then have yourself sling to the other side of where you were. Quite an adventure.

So you think it worst? The worse is yet to come.

2011-11-14T20:05:00.001+08:00

Days Like These

Rain, thunder, lighting - perfect epitome of my life right about, now. I am in this complete spin of I don't knows and hows with a dash of whys. There hasn't been much direction eversince that day and I am once again caught in that though with a bit more direction but all too misty and rocky.

Walking in the mist just brought another cliff dive and start again at ground zero. While some ran forward, I just keep going in circles. How long more and how much more is there to go before I finally find that direction and really, just walk in it.

There are factors and factors and factors. Now that word itself just sickens me. It's all between the brain and the heart. A career that is not quite one, a dream that is far off reach, a financial status that is neither here nor there. Seriously, how did I mess up so badly?

Once again I find myself lost. This is not the first but hopefully the last. Again and again.

Comfort me and let there be hope in this time of despair and pain.

Lamentations 3:25-33

The Message (MSG)

^25-27God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
   to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
   quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
   to stick it out through the hard times.
^28-30When life is heavy and hard to take,
   go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
   Wait for hope to appear.
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
   The "worst" is never the worst.
^31-33Why? Because the Master won't ever
   walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
   His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
   in throwing roadblocks in the way:

2011-09-11T19:49:00.001+08:00

Oh rigorous bend,
Enlightenment and evidence is before you,
These cringes and wails...
Collectively are seven times taller than the sky,
Are they in vain?

Is there no end that meets?
Ever flowing spring?
Depthless space?
Limitless time?
Is this fate or faith?

Shed and shredded,
Low and casted,
Mercy, mercy, mercy

2011-05-04T13:05:00.001+08:00

Masking it

So yeah they caught me. They saw what was beneath those piles of masks. Its true that I was puttting up all the layers and masks to look strong and brave when inside of me, its all mushed and crumbly.

I'm not happy and I try very hard to be. I bought new paint, I baked, I go out, I kept busy but in all that I do I bled. How can I possibly be happy when the happiness I had is no longer present. I don't know how to smile from my heart anymore. I don't know if you are happy coz I am not. I feel terrible and I don't know how to brave things through. I am not ok, things are not good. I can't put myself to cry coz I need to brave it knowing that you are not there to tell me its ok and that we will figure things out together. Together was what kept me strong, now we are so apart, I don't know how to do this.

I am useless with this coz I kmow very well how much I need you. In all that I do I see your shadow, how am I suppose to face this. Sometimes I wish I didn't have a heart. I miss you and it is the worse feeling ever yet I cannot tell you. I'm lost and I am heartbroken. I am really that useless

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2011-05-02T21:49:00.001+08:00

How Frail

Maybe everyone is right about now big a fool I am. I kept consoling myself and I kept buying the idea that it is good to have my freedom back and the false impression that life is moving on.

It just hit me when I got worried and know that now I am not even able to be there for you. It hurts me to know that there is this big big gap in between.

I can't sleep without mr ray because he is the ray that you gave me. The ray of assurance but now he is a ray of void yet I'm not able to let go of him. I am pathetic and it is sadder 'cause I know of it.

I hope to go elsewhere, start anew and build myself back because all the talk now is a frosting of a fighting crumbling confidence. Yes, because what I had was love and one that I believed in. How is it possible that it is easy? I was just holding it up 'cause I don't need to make more people worry. Suck it up idiot, suck it up.

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2011-04-20T12:20:00.002+08:00

When Facing Facts

At a point when facing becomes so harsh and hard, escaping didn't seem like a bad idea at all, in fact it is the best thing at this point in time. People always say, face it no point in escaping... True but what their wisdom didn't know is the emotional war inside a person is not geared up for that face the reality session. What could be more harmful than escapism is being desperate.

Give it a break and allow escapism to calm the chaos but not let escapism be the solution.

Escapism was served on my table and in the midst of my indulgence, pit stop occured, snapping me back to reality. It is then I felt the hot streams overflowing yet I told myself that I'm bigger than this and just let me indulge and prepare for now.

The pit stops are there to nurture the coping as it gives me small doses of reality, in my case, makes it easier to swallow.

I'm a woman, I work differently. I'm not strong but I pretend to be, hoping that it serves as a vault, where minds would immagine it as a place of beauty. Truth is the vault is stored with none of what those minds had imagined.

Opening it isn't a wrong move though it felt disastrous. How can I guard it? Maybe it's back to building; brick by brick.

Allow my indulgence... Allow it.

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2011-04-17T18:23:00.002+08:00

It's All Too Many In A Little Bag

This is how it feels, putting a hand in an overflowing bag full of a million things and trying to pull out just one thing but it is so full, I had to put the other hand in to pull out and ended with both my hands stucked. Then, I have my hands grasp and brushed against many many different things in that bag but could get hold of none. In a less complicating word; complex.

Previously it was disappointment.

The day before was anger.

Yesterday it's worries.

Just a little while before it's heartbreak.

Now it's sadness as the emptiness and hollowness sinks in inch by inch.

Later, I cannot predict.

But there is one thing that sticks so true is that; I'm not better off without you and it hurts when you think so.

It hurts more 'cause you're not even a jerk to begin with and to hear and watch you being mean to yourself, hurts. How can I bear to watch that someone so dear to me hurt himself like that? When all these times I have been trying my best to care and love him in the best ways that I can.

It's so helpless that the gaps are getting bigger and I have no access of any sort.

I wish you know how heartbreaking this is and how much it pains me.

2011-04-16T10:54:00.003+08:00

When The Anaesthesia Runs Low

How many rain does it take to put out the sun? and how many sea does it take to engulf that ball of light?

Not much really. When the core of it runs out of glow, no rain nor sea is needed to calm it's glow. It dims itself pace by pace 'til it blends in. It is still there if you make an effort to touch it but your eyes may be too distracted to sense it's indifferent presence.

Maybe... Just maybe one day you'd happen to bump in it, in the midst of what they call memories, but just maybe. What am I to do with all these colours and visions and hopes and all the dots you've made and all the lines that I meant to join together, together.

When all the anaesthesia evaporates, all shall awake in jolts.

Maybe another dose of anaesthesia?

2011-04-14T23:33:00.002+08:00

If It Is What It Is

It is probably one of the hardest thing to face when coming home isn't the same like yesterday and the days before.

It would be heart wrenching to hold back what I used to say. To be going back to where it was.

It seems like we're always in this circle. It happened before, now just a deja vu. Reliving the plot in a different scene.

What am I to do with these sweet souvenirs you have left me with? It will bring me to tears because I now realized that it's not the same. It will make my heart sour and ache.

What you have build in this little heart, is a colony.

Definitely the hardest pill to swallow.

But if letting go builds a bridge to betterment, then it is what it is.

2011-04-12T23:14:00.002+08:00

Rights?

So they say rights are your power to determine your wants.

What rights have I got to determine another's life? Not quite if any at all.

I'm not trying to launch a debate here saying I'm right and you're wrong.

Point here is prevention is better than cure.

Should I allow someone to take up a risk that has a multiplier of four when I can choose not to?

I'm not a risk taker, especially not when it involves someone else's living.

Then again, what rights have I got to cross the choices of what God has intended?

I'm just saying because that's how it is now.

I may seem like an overwhelmed selfish psycho at this point and that's quite right.

2011-03-21T19:33:00.002+08:00

Now You Know...

As the dust thickens on those forsaken racks while the leaves gently piles themselves on those stairs... It comes back slowly from the back of my mind of what I've heard but chose to store away.

They once told me that it is not for the weak willed, and faint hearted. I listened out of courteous while the retaliation in me set its frontline to fight the so called wisdom.

How life is weird sometimes... It's like a flu shot. It prepares you even when you are in the zen mode and watch them do the yadda yaddas. Then without you realizing it, slaps you in the face real hard before you have time to snap out of zen. It gives you that instantaneous 2 minutes concussion and chokes you with reality, that's when you wish you had paid attention in that detention.

Apparently that is no bogus.

So now you know.

2011-03-12T15:38:00.002+08:00

When Happiness Is...

not happiness if you're not with me. I am not able to replace that emptiness with anything, not even with the things I thought I love most.

How is it possible that the thigns I love most cannot make me happy anymore? I thought I'd be fine by filling the void with these things but I am not.

I told myself that I'd let go if everything is still unsure but I know I wouldn't want to say that and I am glad that I didn't have to. I thought I am an individualist, I thought I'm the type who can live for myself, I thought I am that independent, and I am wrong.

Because I know what it feels like to be happy, to be that person that I thought I can never be, to be so contented to take care of someone, and to be taken care of. I don't think I can be that independent anymore because I need that someone.

When I know what security is, everything else comes in second. Because that happiness is something I cannot find elsewhere.

2011-02-14T19:33:00.002+08:00

Among the Stars Where She Belongs

When the rain came it is as if you are saying goodbye to me. As if you were there with me throughout my journey to see you. How coincidental, when the rain stopped the moment I stepped out of the car.

I'm sorry that I didn't have the courage to stay longer with you the other day. It was too painful to see you weak like that. I was not expecting this. I'm sorry that I didn't spend more time with you and I'm sorry that I chose to detach myself to a certain extent because I was afraid to lose you. I'm sorry for being selfish like that.

Valentine's would never be the same, it teaches me what love means. Because we never really knew when you were born, but today as you leave me, you never really did 'cause you've etched a very deep memory and meaning in my life.

If it is true that all the stars are made of precious people, I know that you're watching me all day and all night and all my life. You would shine for me when it is dark and you would still be there when it is bright all along.

Thank you for the companionship, friendship, love, protection, and everything that you are to me. I'm sorry if I have let you down in any way, which I know I have. But you have never let me down in any way except the times when you would go crazy with marking the territory, but you should know that despite all that, I still love you and always will.

I miss our durian moments, I miss giving you yougurt cups, I miss my little living vacuum, I miss every moment that I had with you.

I'm not angry that you didn't wait for me to come 'cause I know that you wouldn't want me to see you going away. She said you made some noise and it was just a couple of minutes before I was there. You would know how much of a softie I am from the countless amount of times that you witnessed my teary eyes. I know that you waited for me, I know. I appreciate that and I know what you did was out of your love for me 'cause you would know how I could not handle to see you passing in front of me. I felt the warmth on your body and I knew you did what you think was best for me out of unconditional love.

Thank you for being a very beautiful part of my life.

For one last time, I'm sorry that I have to cry like this I know you won't want me to but I really can't help it. Please forgive me whenever I cry like this.

2011-02-07T22:34:00.002+08:00

As The Count Gets Lesser

Dear dearest,

Yes, this is another undelivered letter to you.

Now at this time, it will be about a week that we'll be in the same timezone and it will be about 10 days before we meet again. I am really excited and happy that we're going to be spending almost 3 weeks together.

The lesser the count gets the happier I am.

And thank you for letting me know how you feel about the trip that I had to choose. I understand why you were angry that I chose somewhere else instead but I am glad that you took time to understand the situation. I really appreciate it. I appreciate all that you have done for me. I am glad that you are coming and I just want to spend time with you 'cause the lesser the count the more I miss you.

Thanks for making this happen.

Love, M

2010-12-31T14:18:00.002+08:00

Closing Of Another Chapter

2010 has been amazing.

At the very last bits of the year, the parcel came by and that made my day. Learnt a lot about each other, learnt to resolve issues, learnt to trust, learnt to many many things. But mostly I'm really thankful for the presence of a special person in my life and how we are working it out through ups and downs. Thanks for being with me.

Moved back home and had more time with the besties. The ones who were there for me through it all and the ones who would never turn their backs on me. Had many many cooking session for church and for fun. That is bliss.

Uni ended, found a new job, met great colleagues who is supportive and caring. Though work is tough for newbies, they were willing to mentor. Learnt from there as well.

The awesome deal of getting a place. I am believing in it.

Though it will be another year of entering New Year without him by my side, I'm still glad that we're together though miles apart.

To barbecues and families!

2011 will be awesome.

2010-12-23T18:01:00.002+08:00

It's Christmas Time

2010 is coming to an end in about a week, Christmas is in two days.

Where's the spirit of festivity in me? Wrapping pressies was fun, shopping for them was fun, receiving is fun. But still... there's this bit of Christmas that isn't filled.

Is it harder to fill when your world gets bigger? Is there more gaps to fill as we grow older?

With all that noise and cheer, it feels quieter and lonelier.

Nothing comes easy, but it gets harder when you are in a daze not knowing what is.

2010-12-15T21:18:00.002+08:00

One Day

When failure defeats a person, it takes a little piece of that person with it. It takes a little courage, a little trust, a little faith, a little bit of that a hundred percent in you.

Everything seems vague and hollow. You walk on ground but an empty ground. Thought of thoughts creeps in, embalming the mind.

One day... when fear speaks for himself, I might have to call for an end. Truly, it is just the mountain of mess that lives in me. If one is not able to speed, why hold another back? If one is not compatible, why be forceful? If one is not good enough, why deteriorate another?

The only justification for this is to not let potential slip by.

2010-11-28T15:01:00.002+08:00

79 Days and You

It seems so long yet so fast that we've made it through the hundreds. Now it's left with 79, and soon it shall be none. I am waiting patiently for that day to come though I am running short on patience itself. 79 days more of emotional turbulence. I detest the waiting but I love what's waiting for me.

Zero is not a perfect number but it is for me... 'cause zero brings us together. Zero is of no value because things of no value is greatly valued that it cannot be valued. Value is only valid for good, fair, and poor. You surpass all of them.

I cannot put myself into a position to equate you with numbers because there simply aren't enough of them.

2010-11-25T19:39:00.002+08:00

My Miles of Tears

Who would have thought that this is how it is? Who would have thought of its possibility?

But life's like that, full of surprises.

Who would have thought that these miles are bringing me tears, like the rainpour outside. So dramatic and unreasonable.

Intangibility takes a lot of courage they say, I braved them saying I am made of iron, I've got training. It will be alright. Guess not.

All I really want is to shine but when I see you right there, my heart starts to tremble and the lacrimal glands fall into a fit, and my rational runs short.

I crumble little by little because that's how connected I am. It gets deeper by the ticks of the clocks. I made a wish in the rain. I hope it comes true because when it does, I'll be happy even when it rains.

2010-11-22T22:00:00.003+08:00

Dandelions

I wish... I wish... that I am a pretty bird. Pretty feathers... melodious voice. I wish... I wish... I could fly high into the skies...

But wishful thinkings are mental illustrations.

I didn't grow pretty feathers, neither can I sing, nor fly... Just a little broken hearted...

The tears nourished the ground, gave me a little space and strength to grow... All puffy and white now, waiting for the flight.

Here comes the horn and away into the wind! Mountains, valleys, oceans...

The wind had brought me here... rooted, bloomed, and set for the wind once more.

A new level, a new horizon...

I am now a better me.