People just don’t realize how precious and delicate their lives are. They make decisions about their lives so cavalierly, not understanding the grave and far-reaching impact they have.  I would prefer to see the media use Whitney’s tragic passing as an opportunity to really help people, and  jump on an anti-drug, anti-addiction campaign, but I haven’t seen one venue pump that perspective.

Drugs are dangerous.  Alcohol is dangerous.  There are too many people reaching externally for happiness, security and answers.  And that never works, no matter how many times we try it.  I’d love to see the media jump on that perspective as well.  But they won’t.  They’ll paint her as another helpless celebrity and everyone will get all wound up in celebrity worship and victim-mentality.  That just totally misses the point.

Our society is so addicted to happy feelings.  God forbid we should feel sad or depressed or confused.  Very few know how to navigate that.  They feel something uncomfortable and they reach for something to dull the pain – food, alcohol, drugs, etc. That, in a nutshell, is why I wrote All You’ve Ever Known, to help people to understand what lies beneath those feelings, so they won’t run from them or try so hard to cover them up.  That never works either.  We need to be far less afraid to face our feelings, to probe to understand what lies beneath, not so we can blame, but so we can embrace responsibility for them, and embrace the power we have for creating an extraordinary life.

I hope someone in her family and friendship circle speaks out about her decisions, her addiction and what people in her and her family’s situation can do to get help, that they can get help.  I hope they speak out even at the risk of redefining her image in the public eye.  The loss of her life really ought to be dedicated to a much higher purpose than future music sales.  She – her life – would help so many people that way.

http://www.aa.org/?Media=PlayFlash

http://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/infofacts/understanding-drug-abuse-addiction

http://www.drug-addiction.com/

http://www.intervention911.com/?gclid=CJX75rOyo64CFU2b7QodLxOLRA

On more frigid days like today though, I let them live inside this small room in my house they’ve entered.  I’m not an expert on ladybug environments but I’m guessing that an outdoor temperature of 36 degrees is a less than ideal condition for them.

I don’t like it that they’re going without food and water for a while, I like it even less when I find them curled up and crispy on the floor. But I guess the life of an insect isn’t an enviable one.

As I look at the ladybugs sitting near my window, I start thinking about certain decisions we make, those choices that at the time seem like good ones, but in the end we wish we’d never made them.

I’ve had predictive dreams and meditations where I learned that I would do x, y and z.  And when the opportunity arose, I did indeed make those choices.  Only later x, y and z turned out not to really yield the positive result I had hoped for.

Now, if only those particular predictive dreams had included a little counsel that perhaps I shouldn’t to make those choices.  Now that would have been really useful.

Not all of our decisions and investments work out the way we’d like for them to.  And it stinks when our proverbial smoke alarm didn’t go off soon enough – or that we decided to tune it out when it did go off.  But it happens to everyone.

And we really can’t predict the amount of learning and insight we’ll gain from an experience, particularly the difficult ones.  So perhaps it’s a good thing that no one stopped us from making those choices.  Sometimes we just aren’t willing to learn it any other way. If it hadn’t been this difficult situation we chose to learn through, it just would have been another one.

All we can do is accept responsibility for the situation, and learn from it.  Then as we work to forgive, we have to remember to forgive ourselves as well.  We all make mistakes.

This is a great site if you have food sensitivities or if you’re looking to stay away from refined sugar.  Also, great sugar-free, chemical-free treats for kids!

http://www.xylitolusa.com/

Keep away from pets, however.  Not a pet-friendly food.

I haven’t subscribed to magazines since my children were born.  Excepting those fundraising subscriptions they come home with now and then.   Then once they arrive, I have to tear off the front cover so not to permanently implant suggestions in my sons’ open minds that that’s what women are supposed to look like.

Eyeing my coverless, unread magazines this morning as they sit on the ottoman, I started thinking about trends.  I’ve never liked trends, since the minute a new one appears you’re instantly on the outside looking in.

That seems to be the effect of a trend – the creation of an in crowd and an out crowd.  The in crowd steeped in a vulnerability of knowing that their membership is based on something momentary.  The out crowd made up of three parts – the blissfully unaware, the couldn’t care less and the desperately seeking a way out.

Taking a look around, no one seems to hit the clothing trends all that effectively.  When some do, I find myself hoping that that they have a good friend who will talk them into a different choice next time.

Like most trends, particularly style trends, people try to embrace them because they want to fit in.  We’d be better off, though, understanding our own self and style and moving more in that direction.  Living for the external ‘fit’ or approval always results in an empty ending.

Same goes for business.  I love the way most marketers have shifted almost completely into simply doing what works, as opposed to following bucolic, pre-digested formulas.  Interestingly, the most successful companies tend to reflect their original reasons for existence in their mission and in their marketing. They may reinvent their offerings from time to time to better meet demand, but those who remember the why and the passion for the company’s existence in the first place find that customers resonate powerfully to that wisdom.

There is reason and meaning for everyone here.  The more tuned in to that path we can be, the more we reject the external suggestions we should be or do something else, the happier, more meaningful our lives are.

“People don’t change” a friend of mine told me years ago.  I argued with her for months about this.  But ultimately, for most people, I think she’s right.

And if someone does change, it’s because they have profound internal motivation to do so.  Not because someone else wanted them to.

We know this.  So the question begs, “Why do we still try to change others?”

Often it’s because on some subconscious level,  we think we have to – sometimes we think it’s for our benefit, sometimes for theirs.

Sometimes we’re trying to control our environment – and every one in it for our own benefit.  Or we feel that other people are incapable of the change we think they should embrace. Or maybe we want them to act in ways which would make us feel better about ourselves.

Either way we’re being delusional about who the other person is, and what our responsibilities are, and setting ourselves up for disappointment.  Not to mention we’re being rather arrogant that we might live someone else’s life better than they would.

How many times have you seen a woman, or a man for that matter, fall in love and completely deny who their new partner really is?  Only to discover a few years down the road that they’re completely incompatible.  Or how about the manager who hires too quickly, without thoroughly vetting their candidates?

You can inspire, you can offer help, and those are good things to do, but we’re better off in the end by also practicing awareness – seeing people for who they are.  People don’t change because they should, or because we want them to.  They only change when they want to.

And this is *really* good news.  Because first, Thank God it’s not our job to change someone else.  That’s our ‘get out of jail free’ card.  And second, that when someone wants to change – watch out.  Nothing can hold them back.

Frustrating as it is that someone else might not behave the way we want them to, I still think this is a pretty brilliant design.

Write or type their first name and then the word is.  Like,  Paul is …  And complete the sentence as objectively as you can.

You might write one word or several.  But just document a few thoughts about this person.  Several words might just be a hunch that you’re writing from, but put it down anyway. If you know you’re not seeing the other person clearly because you are infatuated or because they fit an urgent hiring need, write that down as well.

It’s good to know when you’re not seeing someone clearly.  Awareness of that is half the battle.

Then, as the relationship develops, look back to your notes to see how accurate you were.

Our first impressions are rarely wrong.

What is wrong, though, or at the very least tragic, is how frequently we discount those first impressions.

A dear friend of mine was over this week so I could share with her a wonderful home-cooked meal and a bottle of wine.  About the time we got to the freshly-baked oatmeal cookies, the conversation turned to her somewhat crazy sister.  I had to smile, just a little, since her sister-stories have had much the same theme for the last two decades.

When her frustration was just about to peak over her sister’s latest unbelievably selfish act, I suggested she begin trying The Law of Patient Acceptance.

“How can I possibly accept her behavior?” my friend asked.

“Acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean tolerance,” I shared.  “It just means that you accept the person for who they are and you stop knocking yourself out trying to change them.”

Everyone has these difficult people in their lives from time to time.  I personally believe that the recession has given birth to a whole new realm of greedy, competitive and selfish folks.  But nonetheless, they exist. They always have.

“Think of it this way,” I said. “If you were to go out and buy an ottoman today, thinking you were buying a chair, you’d be really angry that the ottoman was such a pathetic chair.  But once you realize what you’re dealing with, once you accept the ottoman for what it is and you stop trying to turn it into a chair, your anger largely goes away.”

You have to accept people for who they are.  Even when you’ve had high hopes that they might have been able to be someone else.

“You can’t change people,” my Mother has always said.  She’s never been more right.

The best we can do is to see people as clearly and objectively as possible.  For they rarely change.

To receive the DVD, send me a private message on my FB page with your address and I’ll send it out to you for the price of shipping.

http://www.facebook.com/melissavanrossum

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B006X7NI9O

Promotion is from January 17th – 21st – enjoy!

Amazon.com is offering free and almost free ($.99) e-copies of All You’ve Ever Known!

Free promotions run off and on.  Currently free ebooks are offered Jan 16-Jan 21 2012

Click here for instant ordering  http://www.amazon.com/dp/B006X3ZL5W

For the accompanying DVD, send me a message via my FB page and I’ll send it to you for the price of shipping. http://www.facebook.com/melissavanrossum