This weekend, Beamer and Magic will be moving on to new homes. Beamer is being adopted by the former Director of CANTER New England. Ellen was instrumental in saving him back at the track when he was 3 years old with a big bowed tendon. When he had to be given up by his first adoptive family, it was Ellen that got him to Micki and ultimately to me. Several times when I was trying to decide if I wanted him or not, Ellen warned me that if things were different and I didn’t jump on the chance to own him that she would take him herself. I knew that she had a big soft spot for him. Now things are different. A year ago her horse had just passed away and she wasn’t ready for another. Now the time is right. Her daughter is 12 and has been begging for her own horse. I know that Beamer will be loved and spoiled and Ellen has a good plan for Beamer and her daughter to progress together slowly and under a trainer’s (and her) guidance. She said it was like it was “meant to be.” I agree with her and am relieved and grateful that is was.

Magic is going to a local RI trainer that I have known for years. Her facility is beautiful and I have always thought the horses were well taken care of when I would see her at the shows. He will be pampered by 100s of little girls (and boys). He is a great school pony and he needs the attention and love that the students will shower him with.

So how did this happen? How did I come to this point?

As many of you know, I am the divorced mother of 4 children, 3 of whom still live with me. After I was divorced I had 3.5 years to get our home’s mortgage in my own name or I would be forced to sell it. I worked very hard and went through several rejections over the next three years, but this year I was finally able to do it and I got the mortgage. This was a pivotal point in my life. Up until then, I was worried and anxious about it all the time. It weighed on me like a two-ton elephant riding on my back. The minute I walked out of the closing, I was a different person. I felt like I could finally go forward with my life.

Now that I have that mortgage, I have to focus on keeping it. It isn’t easy. I have a good job, but I am just one person supporting four of us and a hefty mortgage payment. My oil bill has gone up, gas is killing me in my pickup truck, student loans are now due, auto insurance is astronomical, cell phones and internet have become essential and aren’t cheap for 5 of us, I pay for my family’s health insurance, credit cards are getting charged…it’s a huge struggle.

Unfortunately when you are experiencing financial stress, you have to cut out the things that aren’t necessary. The “luxury” items. Horses certainly fall into that category. It is very hard to justify running to the feed store to buy $200 worth of grain, hay and shavings when you haven’t made your car payment or don’t have much food to eat in the house.

A friend of mine’s horse had a freak accident recently that was truly heartbreaking. It also made me think about the cost of dealing with an unexpected accident or illness. If that had been Beamer, I wouldn’t have been able to afford the vet care. That isn’t being a very responsible horse owner. It was a real eye-opener. I cannot go through another tragedy with a horse that I own. I just can’t. Not financially, not emotionally.

On top of that, I couldn’t afford lessons. I couldn’t afford training rides. I couldn’t afford to take him to a clinic or a schooling show, or even to join my friends at a local state park for a trail ride. It was hard for me to stay focused when I didn’t have a goal in mind and couldn’t make a lot of progress in his training on my own.

So, yes, it was a financial situation that brought me to this point but that’s not the whole story. I haven’t ridden Beamer in months. I barely groom him. I haven’t had time for him. I get up at 6am, get my kids on the bus at 6:35am, feed the horses and do their stalls until 7:30am, shower and change, leave for work at 8:30am, get home at 5:30pm and feed the horses and put them in at 6pm, make dinner for the kids and then it’s dark. I have no indoor. I have no lights. When it stayed light until 8pm I was too exhausted to ride after working all day or it was dreadfully buggy or too hot or any number of excuses. Maybe I am getting older. Maybe I lack motivation. Maybe it’s a little of both.

I know you are probably wondering how I am going to handle it emotionally–losing Max had been so devastating. When there were no horses at my house after Max’ death I became depressed and felt like I had NOTHING in my life. I am at a very different point in my life. You see, after I got the mortgage I finally felt free and this sense of peace and contentment filled me. Before that point, I thought I needed some THING in my life to be happy. I thought it was a horse, and it was for a while, but I still thought I needed a person and agonized over finding someone. How do you meet someone at my age with 4 kids? Online dating is the worst and I would never go to a bar to meet someone. None of my friends or co-workers knew anyone that was single and my age. But when I got the mortgage I realized that I didn’t need another person to feel content. I could be content with myself.

So of course it was at that point that I met someone–just when I didn’t NEED someone. And as it turns out, that is the perfect place to be when you are going into a relationship. So if I am perfectly honest with you, if the weekend came around and I had the choice between spending time riding and grooming Beamer or going flying in my boyfriend’s airplane, my boyfriend was the winner. This made me feel terribly guilty about the horses but I was powerless to change how I felt or what I wanted to do and where I wanted to be. But my decision to give up the horses had been close to final before I even met Paul. I knew I couldn’t afford them and I was heading for a huge financial crisis if I didn’t do something. Having Paul in my life just gave me the strength to go through with it.

Luckily for me, I didn’t get as attached to Beamer as I could have. I love him, there is no question about that. He is a sweet, lovebug of a horse and he has all of the qualities I was looking for in a horse. I tried very hard to have a special bond with him, but it just didn’t happen. You can’t force it no matter how much you want it to. And maybe it was too soon after Max. No horse could compete with my feelings for Max. Maybe there really is only one “once in a lifetime” horse for me. So I will definitely be sad to see him go and I will probably cry more than once, but I am also very happy for him that he will get the attention and love that he deserves. And the same for Magic. He needs kids to love him.

Will I ever own another horse? I am not sure. I hope so. But for now, I am looking forward to taking lessons occasionally with Nora and seeing where that takes me.

My sister and I were going to tag-team working with him because she is so much better at getting them to bend and move laterally than I am, but then she had to go to Australia for work for 6 weeks so I was on my own.

My sister riding Beamer

Over the next month, I was plunged into mommy responsibilities (little league, boy scouts, flute lessons, etc.) and working at horse shows, and was not getting Beamer ridden as often as he needed to be. So I came up with a good idea. My neighbor and friend, Laura, sold her horse a year or two ago and has been missing riding terribly. She has ridden H/J and dressage and has learned some natural horsemanship. (She was the person that went with me to pick Beamer up and did some magic to get him onto the trailer.) I asked her if she would like to ride Beamer a few days per week and she JUMPED at the chance. It has worked out great. She rides him on the days that I can’t and she generally has more time to do ground work and carrot stretches and to work with him at the walk to make him move off of her leg.

Laura telling Beamer he is a good boy for moving off her leg.

Right away I saw an improvement in his bending. He was starting to over-bend a little and bulge to the outside, but that was much easier for me to correct than not bending at all. I even got brave and tried jumping over some cross rails. Mostly he trotted over them but I did manage to get him to jump and canter away a few times. They haven’t been super fantastic jumping efforts, but I was thrilled that he wasn’t speeding up! I would much rather push than pull!

Beamer has also been great on the trails and he has filled out and gotten shiny and very beautiful. I love him more and more every day.

Beamer’s cute face

So it was time for Nora to come back and evaluate our progress. I thought she would see a big difference from our first lesson. I also really wanted her to get on him and I really wanted Laura to have a lesson with Nora so that we would all be on the same page. We couldn’t wait for her to come!

When Nora got on him, as usual, she made him look AMAZING! And she made it look so easy.

Nora on Beamer

She said that he didn’t like contact but he didn’t get upset or angry about it and he did give in and seemed to pick up on things pretty quickly and willingly. With Laura and I he put his head up to resist, but with Nora he put his head too low and over-flexed at times. But it looked so beautiful!! She said it was okay for him to over-flex at this point. As she rode, it got better and better. She made the canter look really easy too. But I could watch her ride him at the trot for hours!

WATCH them trotting:

WATCH them cantering:

Then Laura got on and Nora gave her some exercises to increase her strength and stamina and get back into shape. She said that these exercises would help Beamer build muscle too.

Laura on Beamer

I didn’t expect to ride him after they both did, but Nora wanted to see me canter on him so I did ride him for a few minutes. He felt so different after she had been riding him! So light and collected! I still had trouble with him cutting in and with my instinct to cross my inside rein over his neck in an indirect rein, but it did get better with Nora there. She wanted me to start using the outside rein again with lots of little half-halts to get him to collect and then immediate softening when he gave in. She wants me to “keep a conversation going” with him and to be a little more forceful with him in making him do what I want him to do and not let him get away with doing it half-heartedly. The best part was that Nora said she loved him and that he was “so cute!” We had worked him for over an hour and a half! It was good for all of us. And I realized that he hadn’t made his cranky face at all. He did get silly twice and do these little baby buck things, but his expression was mostly very pleasant with his ears forward.

The next day he was so tired he took a nap and did some sunbathing.

Exhausted Beamer napping

After his nap I rode him for about 20 minutes in the ring—half of the time on a long rein and half of the time working on collection. Nora’s influence was still in full force, and he was very good about getting into a frame. I then took him on a long trail ride, which he thoroughly enjoyed (and needed). I rode the entire time holding the buckle of the reins and letting him choose the way. He’s such a good boy!! I am more and more excited about our future and I think we are all getting into a nice little groove!

Here are my Facebook statuses so you can see the progression. I don’t post after every ride, but here are the highlights:

April 7 – After much lunging (and despite the flapping plastic bag stuck 30 feet in the air on a tree RIGHT next to the riding ring), I got the courage up to get on Beamer this weekend. He forgot how to steer, forgot consistent pace, forgot bending, forgot being round, but did nothing wrong. I only walked and trotted him in a small circle, though, because I am still pretty scared. Need some pro rides on him, I think, to get my confidence in him restored. (STILL SCARED; NOT THE OLD BEAMER–STILL FEELS LIKE A COILED SPRING.)

April 10 – Last night ride went well; 15 minutes on the lunge, 15 minutes walk/trot using half the ring. Not bad given the wind was blowing a gale. (NOT AS SCARED; STILL NOT THE OLD BEAMER.)

April 13 – Had a great ride on Beamer. Used the whole ring and went on the trail with the scary Winnebago and walked right by it! (THE OLD BEAMER IS BACK!!)

April 16 – Snow on the ground! (SERIOUSLY?)

April 19 – Beamer was EXCELLENT today! Cantered in both directions, trotted a pole on the ground, worked on going forward!! I’m so happy that I finally had my sister there to watch. She said he was an “angel.” And to top it off, he is starting to get dapples on his neck and his butt and I LOVE bays with dapples (actually any horse with dapples!).

So now I feel ready for a lesson with Nora so she can evaluate him a bit more and give me some “homework” to start working on between my lessons. Maybe she’ll even get on him for me and make him look amazing, like she usually does. She’s supposed to come this week while I am off from work for the kids’ April vacation. I can’t wait!

I did manage to get 5 pounds off myself just by trying to cut down on snacks, but at the end of August I started a modified version of a diet that my sister had gone on and had lost a lot of weight and looked terrific. It’s called IdealProtein. She was monitored by an IdealProtein doctor and she bought the IdealProtein products, but I just tried to follow it as best as I could on my own (and with her help).

Lots of people have noticed that I am thinner (and that always surprises me and makes me tremendously happy) and lots of people have asked me to share the diet, so here it is. At first I thought I shouldn’t post it here on my horse blog, but I realized that your weight affects your balance and your horse’s balance as well as your stamina and your confidence, so why not here on my horse blog?

What is it?: In a nutshell it’s a high protein, low carbs, no sugar, lots-of-water diet. I had to modify it slightly due to low blood sugar problems that I have, so the results took longer for me than if you follow the diet very strictly. The stricter you are about avoiding sugar and increasing your protein, the faster your results will be. During the first two weeks of the diet I did feel especially weak but once that went away, I felt great. I never felt hungry or deprived.

Cheating: It’s OK to cheat occasionally, just be extra strict the following day and when you cheat, control the portion size. You will still get the same flavor, just not so much of it that it negates your dieting efforts! And don’t cheat on a daily basis, that won’t work. But I honestly feel like cheating helps you stay on the diet. If I had deprived myself 100% I don’t think I would have stuck with it. I would just recommend in the first few weeks you keep cheating to a minimum so that you can see some results quickly. The more you lose, the more motivated you get to stick to the diet, and the more you stick to the diet, the more you lose.

What to drink: The hardest part for me was giving up sugared drinks and drinking lots of water. Now I actually crave water. I started out with iced tea and stevia sweetener at first, until I got used to just water. I know other people on this diet add MiO to water because they can’t drink plain water, but I didn’t like the sweetener that they use. Diet soda is okay on occasion but water is best. I find that if you use a LOT of ice, it is easier to drink the water. As far as alcohol, I don’t drink alcohol at all so it wasn’t a factor for me. You might want to read up on it but I’m sure that this diet would not allow alcohol for the sugar and carbs. I just don’t know.

Fruit & certain veggies: Not having fruit is hard too, but once you reach your weight loss goal you can have fruit again, just not in large quantities. Remember, fruit=sugar! Even certain vegetables are high in sugar, like carrots and peas. You also have to avoid the starchy vegetables like potatoes.

Breakfast: (Focus on Protein)
Protein shake (I buy EAS AdvantEDGE Carb Control with 17g of Protein at WalMart).
Small banana (skip this to be strict)

Or

Scrambled eggs using 2 egg whites and 1 whole egg with 1 slice of whole grain wheat toast (you aren’t supposed to have butter, but I did, just use it sparingly).

Or

Bowl of high protein cereal (Kashi Go-Lean or Special K Protein) with a minimum amount of 1% milk

Lunch: (Eat like an herbivore!)
As much salad as you want (lettuces/spinach, cucumbers, onions, peppers, broccoli, cauliflower, half a boiled egg, tiny amount of feta cheese) with low calorie dressing (lots of people recommend the Warden’s dressings but I used anything low cal), 1 protein bar (EAS also makes protein bars that have no sugar, but I used the Special K Protein chocolate/peanut butter meal bars with 10g protein that do have some sugar in them—make sure you don’t buy the 4g protein kind that they sell in the cereal aisle—the meal bars are found near the pharmacy).

Or (on occasion):

• As much cooked broccoli, cauliflower or asparagus as you want with salt, 1 protein bar.
• Small cooked sweet potato with salt, 1 protein bar.
• 1 cup of couscous with broccoli or cooked chicken mixed in, 1 protein bar.
• Salad with tuna, 1 protein bar
• Small steak, peppers & onions from D’Angelo on a wheat roll, 1 protein bar.
• Sometimes I will buy deli meat and eat it by the slice along with my salad, 1 protein bar.

Dinner: (Eat like a carnivore!)
As much salad as you want, a large portion of broccoli, cauliflower, asparagus or peppers, and a large portion of meat (I never measured how much meat, I pretty much ate as much as I wanted). The meat can be just about anything you want, you just don’t want it to be in a sauce and don’t use cheese. To spice the meat up, try salsa on a hamburger (no bun), roasted red peppers are good on anything, and so are fried onions. For the broccoli, cauliflower, and asparagus you can start to get sick of them, so try them lightly steamed, boiled soft, roasted or fried. You can also prepare cauliflower like mashed potatoes.

For condiments you can use mustard, garlic, salt, soy sauce, rice vinegar…just check the ingredients and if it has sugar, it’s a no go! You can also use a couple of teaspoons of olive oil when you’re cooking.

Evening Snack:
Protein bar

Other Snack Ideas:
Pickles
Cucumbers in rice vinegar
Special K cracker chips if you crave salt (like I do)
Hummus and pretzel chips in small quantities

You can also have a protein bar for breakfast and have the protein shake at lunch—it’s up to you if you want to change it up slightly.

Exercise:
For this diet, they suggest that you NOT go into a heavy exercise routine while you are in the weight loss phase. Walking or doing your normal physical activities is fine, but don’t start a gym membership or start training for triathlons or get into Crossfit training.

So that’s all I did and I lost 20 pounds in 6 months. Others that I know that went on the same diet lost that much (and a lot more!) in a lot shorter time, but I am pleased that I did it at all so the fact that it took me 6 months doesn’t matter to me. If adding small amounts of sugar allowed me to stick with the diet, then it was worth the wait. I had tried so many diets before where I felt like I was starving all the time, I was craving and/or thinking about food constantly, and I was cranky and miserable all the time, and I still never lost any weight. I tried Weight Watchers online, I tried eating all weight watchers prepared foods, I tried aerobics and yoga and walking and jogging and I never lost any weight. This is the first diet I have ever been on where I actually lost weight.

So far, I am staying right at my target weight. I am no longer losing and I’m not gaining anything either. I still drink the shakes and eat the protein bars and I still limit sugar, but I now allow myself to have fruit occasionally and a glass of regular soda each night after work. I still try to stick to salads or veggies at lunchtime but I allow myself to have a meat-based lunch or a veggie-based soup more often than when I was on the diet. What can I say, it worked for me and it’s still working.

RESOURCE: A great way to learn about the IdealProtein diet is to go to the following forum: http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/ideal-protein-diet-236/. It has everything you could ever want to know about the IdealProtein (IP) diet!

So I tacked him up, got on and headed out the driveway.

In the first few steps he put his head between his knees, humped his back and started shaking his head back and forth. I growled at him and picked his face up with the reins and made him go forward. I thought that would be the end of his silliness but by the time we started up the hill, he felt like a ticking time bomb. He was looking side to side for something to spook at, blowing loudly out of his nostrils, reacting every time Magic screamed for him from the barn, and holding his head sky high. When the neighbor’s dog started trotting towards us, he started again with the head shaking and then attempted to spin around to head home. Fear shot through me and I decided in that split second that getting hurt was not worth it and I jumped off. In keeping with my new philosophy of finding progress amidst no progress, I decided that it would still be beneficial to lead him the rest of the mile route that I had planned. I was pretty sure I could handle his shenanigans if I was leading him, and if he had a successful walk and saw all the sights while I reassured him the whole way, it might actually be a good lesson. Plus, if I just brought him home it would be teaching him something altogether different and highly undesirable. There were no issues on our little walk. I was disappointed that I wasn’t able to ride him, but I still felt that I had accomplished something.

The next day it was slightly cooler and windy. My gut instinct told me that it wasn’t a good idea to attempt another ride. But by the afternoon, it was slightly warmer and the wind wasn’t too bad, so I thought I’d give it a try. I jokingly told my 20 year-old son to come looking for me if I didn’t come back in an hour and a half, and headed back down to the barn to try again. Beamer has been so good and so calm and from what everyone told me from CanterNE and his foster homes, his behavior on Saturday was very uncharacteristic. I knew it was just spring-time behavior. I was pretty sure he would be much better this time.

When I got on, he seemed about the same as the day before—like a coiled spring ready to unload. I ignored it and made him go forward up the road. Again, he was looking everywhere for something to spook at. We got about 50 yards up the road when he spotted my neighbor moving around in his garage. That was it. He started running backwards and shaking his head. He spun twice and I was really scared that he was going to run away with me back to the barn. I did NOT want to jump off him again so he could learn that if he didn’t want to be ridden all he had to do was act up, so I turned him around and started walking back to the barn. It still felt like a bad idea to let him get away with this so once we got to the barn I made a decision to ride him on a small trail that we have behind the barn. There is a meadow and a small loop that Beamer has always enjoyed and you can see the barn the whole time you are out there so I thought he would feel more reassured. The snow was pretty slushy so I wasn’t as afraid of it being icy or of him slipping. He was much better as we headed down the trail and I thought he was relaxing. We went across the meadow and into the woods and he didn’t make a bad move. Once we turned the corner to head back home, however, his pace quickened and his head came up. He started snorting and staring at the Winnebago that is parked at the side of the meadow. He has gone by it many times and he always looks hard at it, but this time he was acting like he was sure that something was going to pop out of it and eat him. I thought it might be best not to push my luck so rather than go right by it like we usually do, I turned him left so we could give it a wide berth. This essentially turned us heading away from the barn again, and evidently, he did not like that idea. He started again with the head shaking and the spinning and humping his back. I yelled at him and tried to pull his head up. Acting on instinct, I gave him a very sharp half-halt on the right rein (because he was spinning to the left). At that moment he stood up on his hind legs.

I thought that I had experienced a horse rearing before, quite a few times. I know that it always feels like it is bigger than it actually is, but this was an entirely different experience than anything I had ever gone through on horseback. I am quite sure that he went entirely vertical. I could feel him wavering at the peak of it as if he was losing his balance and was going over backwards. I literally was staring straight up at the sky, hanging by the reins. It wasn’t like you see on TV where the rider leans forward and wraps his arms around the horse’s neck; I was leaning backwards with my back parallel to the ground. My life didn’t flash before my eyes but I absolutely contemplated this being my death because I was sure he was going to land on top of me. I was absolutely astonished when he landed back on all fours and I came back into the saddle. He seemed just as shocked as me because he stood stock still for an instant and I was able to get my right stirrup back and get a firm grip on his sides. He was horrific the whole way back to the barn but I didn’t want to get off in the slushy snow and ice for fear that I would not be able to lead him in the state he was in and both of us might actually get more hurt. I’m not sure why I thought this time that it would be easier to ride him back, but I did. It might have been that I thought he would do something while I was attempting to dismount that might end up being a worse position to be in when he bolted. I don’t know what I was thinking. Instinct took over. He snorted and pranced and shook his head and spooked repeatedly and I was truly terrified the whole time, but we made it.

When we reached the barn I got off as fast as I could and could not believe that I had made it without falling off. My legs felt like wet noodles, my stomach was hollow, and I was shaking like a leaf. I put him on the crossties, took off his tack and put him back in his stall. I didn’t even want to look at him.

When I got back to my house, my son sensed that something was wrong, so I told him the story. He actually teared up and told me that I had to stop putting myself at risk. He told me that his best friend’s aunt had died by a horse flipping over on her and he didn’t want me to ride “crazy” horses any more. I’m a single mother of 4 children. I’m 50 years old. I’ve had 5 concussions already. Should I still be doing this?

You know me by now, my head started going a mile a minute. Should I consider giving up the thing that I love so much? Is it worth the risk? What if I had gotten hurt and it was my son that had to frantically search to find me and then call the rescue? Was that fair to put him through? Did I buy another horse that is too much for me? I was so sure that I had done all the right steps this time. But I guess you never know. There is never a guarantee.

Believe me, I KNOW that horses act up in the spring. I have owned horses a long time and 4 of them were OTTBs that were “silly” or “full of vinegar” in the spring. I know all that. But it was worrying me that Beamer chose to rear. I don’t count that as being “silly.” I think of that as a pretty aggressive move. Was it a one-time thing? Or is it something that he has in his bag of tricks? Even if he doesn’t ever do it again, I will always have that fear that he might. Is there something about me that is conveying fear to these horses and they are picking up on it and reacting to it? Timmy supposedly never acted like he did when I had him when he was with his foster family or his previous owner. I had never heard of any bad behavior on Beamer’s part while he was in foster care. Do I bring it out in them?

My last concussion came from the haflinger pony that I had for a little while to be a companion for Max. He bucked me off twice and the second time I ended up in the hospital. Maybe he had had more of an impact on me than I thought. Fear isn’t an easy thing to get over. Maybe it’s even the hardest thing.

When I rode ponies I was completely fearless. When I was 17 and moved up to a horse, we bought a horse that was a very dirty stopper. I spent several years falling off into jumps during every lesson and every horse show. Once at a show I ended up out cold on his back and, eventually, in an ambulance. One day I fell off of him after he raced around the field for 10 minutes at top racing speed. I got up and left the barn and quit riding for several years. I eventually returned to riding (I couldn’t stay away), but from that point on, I have dealt with fear. When I had my really bad fall in 2004 I was fortunate that I don’t remember it at all because that might have ended my riding career right then and there. I thought I had finally mastered it since being pretty successful since that accident (with the help of Beverly Vars and Jay Sargent who both knew I needed my confidence rebuilt), but since my falls from that pony, it feels like it had come crashing back.

I posted a status about Beamer and his rearing on Facebook and I got a lot of encouragement, kind words, compliments, suggestions, stories of other horses acting up, and offers for help. It’s amazing how great people are when you need help or maybe just some encouragement. I know that I have to take it slowly. I know that I can’t dwell on this or beat myself up about it or over-analyze it. I know that I have to come up with a plan and stick with it.

So my plan is to not try to ride again until my ring is completely clear of snow and ice, however long that takes, so that I can start out by lunging him. I may change his feed, I may put him on Perfect Prep the first few times I work him and definitely on the first day that I ride him, and I may have someone else get on him the first time. Then I will re-evaluate the situation. If I am sure that I have the old Beamer back, I will get on him. I will start very slow with walking and trotting and lots of transitions. If he exhibits some of this behavior even after he’s been in work for a little while, I may have to decide if he is the right horse for me. I do love him already, but my motto has always been “if it’s not fun, it’s not worth doing” and being scared is not fun for me. At all. I want this to work really badly so I’m not ready to give up just yet. Right now my goal is to forgive Beamer and put it behind me. We need to work on our friendship and mutual respect. That has to be the first step.

I see most of my friends on Facebook posting about progress they are making with their green horses in the indoor and getting a jump on spring training, and I haven’t ridden in months. A trail ride here and there but no ring work. Here I am with a new horse that I have only ridden a handful of times. I don’t even know what I’ve got yet. Can he jump? Will he enjoy it? Or is dressage going to be our thing? Is he going to continue to be a push ride? Or will he be more typically TB when he’s feeling good and fit? Will I be able to ship him places to ride? to show? I have a new dressage saddle that I have never tried. So how, you ask, can I be talking about progress amidst all this non-progress?

One of the things I said I want to develop with Beamer is mutual respect and friendship. One of the only things that I’m not crazy about where he is concerned is the crankiness and ear pinning. And as I mentioned in my previous post, he has tried to bite me twice.  So I’ve been working on developing a relationship with Beamer. I decided that I would work on his acceptance of me while he is eating. So every morning I give him his grain and then go right in the stall with him with my pitchfork and start cleaning his stall. I go very close to him to get to the manure, I push him a few steps to the left and then a few steps to the right. I adjust his blanket. I pick shavings out of his mane. I pick out his feet. I pat his neck. At first, he HATED it! He would literally GLARE at me, pin his ears and swing his head around threatening to bite me. I completely ignored it and continued what I was doing. This went on for weeks.

Now, two months later, he is completely relaxed with me in his stall while he is eating. He doesn’t try to bite me or pin his ears at me at all. I can do whatever I want in there and he continues to eat his grain with his ears relaxed. We even have a new little routine that he initiated. When he is done with his grain he walks over to me in the stall and blows on my face. I take off my gloves and scratch him under the chin and jaw and behind his ears. When he’s done enjoying the scratch, he walks over to his door to let me know he’s ready to go out for the day. I open the door and we stand there side-by-side and look out at the field and the neighbor’s house and Beamer sniffs the air. When he’s confident that everything is as it should be, he walks out into the field.

When I walk by his pasture now he makes a point of walking towards me and sticking his head over the fence to say hi. And it’s not about treats because I haven’t been giving him very many. He won’t eat mints and isn’t wild about apples. When I have carrots or other types of treats I do give him some, but not very often. I want to save that for when he does something really good in his training.

I even saw him doing something very un-cranky…on a somewhat warmer day, I filled his water tub in the field with fresh water and he started splashing around in it. I even captured it on video: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10152272292497640&set=vb.530927639&type=2&theater. When he was done splashing, he would lift his nose up and curl his top lip then start the whole process again. I never thought the cranky old man could be such a goof ball! I don’t know how long he continued to do it but he was dripping wet when I eventually walked back to my house. It was nice to see that he has that playfulness in him.

So we may not be working on his flying changes or jumping his first vertical yet, but we have been making progress and I think it is important progress–he is learning to relax in his new home, he is learning to accept and maybe even appreciate my company, and he is, hopefully, feeling safe. If any of that can transfer to him being more relaxed when I am in the saddle, then I’ll take it.

I think we are well on our way to mutual respect and friendship.

When you are on a tight budget (as in less than $1000), you sacrifice something to gain something. I always sacrificed training and experience in exchange for looks and athletic ability. I could always work on green, I couldn’t work on lack of talent. After I sent Timmy back, Nora said to me, “Mary Beth, I loved Max and I know that you did too, but I never would have picked him for you.” She’s right. He was too much horse for me too. I loved him and he loved me, and we had a lot of wonderful rides, but I was never going to be able to take him to a horse show or jump around a course of jumps. We made some progress, but not really a whole lot. He was actually doing much more with his foster mom before I got him. With another rider, he would have probably been able to reach those goals, but he was too green for me to get him there. I have been riding for more than 35 years but I still don’t know a lot about training a horse. I have always ridden horses that were already there. I realized that I needed to reassess the kinds of horses that I should be looking at. I needed to stop looking for “beautiful, scopey” and start looking for “safe, reliable, quiet.” That was hard for me to accept. Everyone setting out to find a horse to buy wants a horse that is beautiful. You want to be able to take photos and have people gasp in awe at how beautiful your horse is. When you see him out in the pasture, you want to be grabbed by how gorgeous that horse is. You want to be able to say “I can’t believe I own that horse!”

My previous horses had spoiled me, but honestly, none of them were horses that I should have owned. Bowie was WAY too much horse for me when I was in my early 20s, Nickie was way too young and green for me when I was in my 30s and just starting a family, Holly was GORGEOUS and a 10+ mover, but a total lunatic, and Max was too sensitive and hot for me and what I wanted to do (with the exception of trails–we were amazing together on trails). But they were all beautiful horses. I had to try to force myself not to put looks high on the priority list but these horses were going to make it tough for me.

The other notion I had to abandon was the hope that me and my horse would have this incredible bond. We would know each other’s thoughts. We would love no other as much as we loved each other. It would be magical, just like in the movies. I did have a bond with Max, and I did feel like I knew what he was thinking, and he did look happy to see me when I was around. Could that be found twice in a lifetime?

The horse that I had the most showing success with was an older, cranky horse named Caper. He was a seasoned champ and he taught me (and many others before me) a ton and took care of me like no other horse ever did. He didn’t give me kisses or hugs, he did not whinny when he laid eyes on me, he never galloped across the field when I called his name. Generally he pinned his ears and turned his back on me. When I think about it, he had no interest in me at all. He was never mean to me, just indifferent. But he was the exact right horse for me at that phase of my riding career. I now needed to find the exact right horse for me in THIS phase of my riding career. I also–gulp–had to give up on that flowery notion that my horse and I would instantly fall in love with each other and have this incredible bond between us. Mutual respect and friendship would be good enough.

So rewind back to when I first saw the photo of Timmy and I contacted CanterNE. The woman I spoke to, Ellen, recommended a horse named Beamer for me. He was another older OTTB up for adoption. When I returned Timmy, she suggested that I go look at him. I felt so bad that I was sending Timmy back and had wasted their time and dashed their hopes that they had found Timmy a “forever home,” I agreed that I would go see him. I went online and looked at the photos. He looked cute in some of the shots, but his head looked really big on a small body, and he was described as a “low level candidate” which didn’t exactly have me jumping for joy.

Photo from Beamer’s online ad

But with my new resolve to find the “right” horse and not the “dream” horse, I set up a time to go see him. All I knew about him was that he was a 13 year-old who had raced until he was 3 years old and retired from racing with a bowed tendon. (I have owned 2 horses with bows so that didn’t bother me.) At that point he was adopted by a trainer and taken to Vermont. For different reasons his training had stalled, and now they had to give him up due to finances. The story goes that he did nothing for 10 years but be the farm “mascot.” Ellen said he was a total love and his rides under saddle so far had been very good, with him going very quietly. She kept saying that if she could buy him herself she would.

After a 3-hour drive out to Cape Cod, I arrived at the barn of Beamer’s foster home. There was a large horse standing on the crossties that I thought looked like a draft cross. I introduced myself and asked where Beamer was. Micki, the foster mom, pointed at the horse on the crossties and said “this is him.” My first reaction was “no way I’m going to like this horse.” He was the exact opposite of the kind of horse I was looking for. I wanted something small. He was HUGE. Not too tall (he is 16.2), just really big bodied. He was friendly on the crossties but not overly enthusiastic about meeting me or about getting brushed. His mane was long and he was quite furry. I know that is being silly, it was late fall he was supposed to be furry, but it just didn’t help with my first impression. He didn’t look like a potential show horse, he looked like a farm horse, which is exactly what he had been for the past 10 years.

My first time seeing Beamer in person

Micki tacked him up and got herself ready to ride. She was going to have a lesson on him with her dressage trainer. I thought that was the perfect situation to see a horse–in a lesson–and since I have been contemplating moving in the dressage direction, it was even more ideal. I met the instructor and I really liked her. She seemed really knowledgeable and had similar views to mine. It was her first time seeing Beamer too, so I would get to hear her first impressions. When we got out into the ring, I noticed that he had a huge hay belly. If he was a mare, I would wonder if he was in foal! But again, understandable given his lack of work in the last several years.

Beamer’s hay belly

Once she got on him and started trotting him, my whole opinion of him changed. Not only was he very quiet, he seemed to have a lot more knowledge than the adoption agency thought he did. He was framing up easily and moving very nicely. Occasionally he would pin his ears and not want to go forward, but other than that, he did nothing wrong. The wind was howling and it was cold and he did nothing wrong. The instructor kept saying that she was impressed with how good he was behaving given the weather conditions and that most horses, green or not, would have spooked at something. She told me he was a nice enough mover to do well in lower level dressage, which is all I aspire to do. Micki had some difficulty getting him to canter but when he did, it was nice and round and balanced. It was clear that he was very out of shape and just didn’t have the muscle to hold the canter, but I liked what I saw. He never once tried to speed up or bolt or anything that I would expect a green thoroughbred to have the tendency to do.

Beamer, with foster mom Micki aboard

He was pretty exhausted by the time the lesson was over, and the instructor had said a lot of nice things about him. I really liked what I saw. He was quite pretty when he was moving! I didn’t want to get on him because he was so tired, but Micki insisted that I at least trot him around a bit. I got on him and trotted him around and I really liked what I felt. He was a lot of fun, and it was nice to ask a horse to frame up and have him respond. He felt more like a warmblood than a thoroughbred, and I liked that. I felt very comfortable on him and not in the least bit scared. He was more of a “push” ride than a “pull” ride, which is something I really like and something that you don’t often find in OTTBs (or at least I haven’t). He was relaxed and looser now that Micki had ridden him for a while so I got him to really move out at the trot and it felt great. Micki’s instructor told me that he could win a hunter under saddle class like that. I liked that. I knew she didn’t mean at Devon, but at a local RI show, it was a possibility! I went home a lot more enthusiastic about him than I had been when I was heading there.

When I got home I did some digging on the internet and found out that he is a grandson of Seattle Slew and that he even won a race, was second twice and third once. Both his father, Ocala Slew, and Seattle Slew are big-bodied, thick-boned horses just like Beamer. Ocala Slew is beautiful. I started to wonder what Beamer could look like all muscled up and without his winter coat…

Ocala Slew, Beamer’s Father

I didn’t want to rush into anything this time so I made plans to go back with Nora. She came with me and rode him but she didn’t want to do very much in the deep footing. She liked him but wasn’t really willing to commit either way. She didn’t have a strong “buy him” or “don’t buy him” feeling based on what we could do with him. I also asked her to try jumping him over a very tiny crossrail. I knew he had never jumped before but I can usually tell even over something very small if they are going to be able to jump well or not. I only jump 2’6″ so scope usually isn’t the issue, it’s whether or not they hang their legs that concerns me. The first time she tried to walk him over the rail on the ground he acted like he was terrified and had never seen one before in his life. She hopped off and led him over it a few times. Then she got back on and he walked right over it with his ears forward. When she trotted over it he jumped with his knees up and square and even tucked up his hind legs. I really liked all that I saw. Not only did it seem like he would be a careful jumper and pretty good with his front end, he learned very easily and accepted the idea happily with his ears forward. Then I hopped on him and got to canter and although I only got him to canter a few strides on the right lead, I really liked how it felt. So Nora liked his attitude, felt that he knew a lot more than what the adoption agency thought he knew, and she liked his big body and thick bones. She said he was a much better match to me and what I wanted to do than Timmy was (or even Max).

Nora Riding Beamer

Still not wanting to rush things, I planned to go back AGAIN and do a trail ride. Let’s face it, at my house, that is what I do (and enjoy) the most. Micki, who was extremely good to me and patient with all my requests, agreed. So the third time we went out on a trail and he was great. We went by a boat trailer, a pen full of turkeys, a guy with a wheel barrow, and a bicyclist. No problems. The best part was when we stopped to have a conversation with a neighbor and Beamer stood very politely the whole time Micki was talking. That was the one thing that Max would not do on the trail. He would NEVER stop and just stand there so I could talk to some one. I was pretty certain this was the horse for me. But I needed to have him vetted before the final decision could be made. There was also the little nagging feeling that he wasn’t “connecting” with me at all and vice versa. But I ignored that because I had only seen him 3 times, he didn’t really know me yet. I also didn’t like the fact that he pinned his ears so much. He pinned them when you brushed him, put the saddle on, put the blanket on, put your leg on him, clucked to him or went near another horse. Those were the only negatives so far.

Beamer’s cranky face

The vetting went well. He did show some stiffness in one hock, but other than that, no back issues or feet issues or anything else. She said that she felt that he definitely had had quite a bit of training. She said “I wouldn’t even call him green so much as rusty.” She also said that I shouldn’t assume that his ear-pinning was crankiness. She said that it could be a sign of discomfort in his belly. She said that would make sense given the fact that he was at his Vermont home for 10 years and then suddenly got moved 3 times in a very short period of time and got put back to work. She thought that it was possible that he had ulcers. That made me cringe a little after what happened with Max, but it isn’t something that can’t be fixed.

So before I knew it, I paid the adoption fee and made arrangements to go get him. I also made arrangements with my friends, Martin and Laurie, who own Magic the little black pony that was at my house when Max died. They still hadn’t sold him and although they love him, they were paying board on a pony that they didn’t need or use. We agreed that I would take him on a free lifetime lease. Meaning that they still own him, but I cover all of his care and his board expenses. They would still have to pay for his medical bills. They agreed. They are thrilled because they no longer have that monthly expense but they get to see him and visit him and know where he is for, hopefully, the rest of his life. I am happy because I know him, he’s healthy, he’s an easy keeper and he can be ridden by a small adult or give pony rides to visiting children.

Beamer & Magic’s first day turned out together at my house

So they have been at my house now for a little over a month. I have only gotten to ride Beamer a handful of times because of the snow, ice and cold weather, but my rides have been very good and give me lots to look forward to. He has been SENSATIONAL out on the trails. I couldn’t ask for a better trail horse. My rides in the ring have been good too. I have mostly been working on going forward and not much else. Each time I ride him his canter gets better and he makes it further around the ring before he gets tired and breaks to the trot. I have been walking over rails on the ground and have even trotted over it a few times without any hesitation or speeding up on his part. I got a “Dressage 101” book for Christmas that I am reading very carefully, and I can’t wait for Nora to come in the spring to give us lessons. Several of my friends have talked about going on trail rides in and around RI and I can’t wait to do that too. I even saw a local schooling show prizelist that had an OTTB walk-trot class!

Our first trail ride at home

As far as the bonding…it’s been slow going. He pins his ears a lot and one day he out and out tried to bite me when I got too close to his face while he was eating. My bad–next time don’t go so close to him when he’s eating. He also bit me one time when I was tightening his girth. Again, lesson learned. I am not convinced he has ulcers; I think it is more likely that he is a bit of a cranky old man. But I will pursue that further in the spring. I will give him time to settle in and to realize that he isn’t going anywhere this time. I am sure that the more time I can spend with him, riding him, grooming him, bathing him, hand-walking him, he will start to warm up to me. I really hope so. Two of my friends came over to see him and while I was talking to them he nuzzled my face and shoulder a little. That’s a start!

Beamer

Whenever I have purposely NOT been looking for a horse, one finds me. Max found me because I showed up to judge a horse show an hour early by accident and struck up a conversation with one of the riders who happened to be fostering a horse that needed a home. I wasn’t looking at the time, but it was all so perfect that it just worked out. Since his death, I have been trying very, very hard to NOT look for a horse. That didn’t stop me from combing through all of the Facebook group pages for horses for sale or adoption, or searching on dreamhorse.com or CanterNE.org. I would get excited about a few and maybe even email back and forth with the seller, but for one reason or another, I knew in my heart that it wasn’t right. My friends talked me off the ledge. My family told me it wasn’t the right time.

Then I saw this horse on the Camelot Horse Weekly Facebook page. If you don’t know what Camelot is, it’s a for-profit barn that holds weekly auctions. Camelot Horse Weekly is a Facebook group of volunteers that posts the horses for sale for 1 week for very reasonable prices. Camelot isn’t a rescue organization, it is a business. But what happens is these horses and ponies (and mules and donkeys) get a second chance to get “rescued.” If they aren’t purchased in a week, Camelot puts them back into the auction where they will most likely go to kill buyers. There are “horse soldiers” on Facebook that share the photos of the horses each week and get them noticed. Week after week, they get purchased and go on to new lives. Sometimes rescue organizations will raise money for one (usually an older horse or a horse with an injury that has less chance of being purchased) and then they will be available for adoption from the rescue. I have heard many success stories from people that purchased animals from Camelot, and I truly believe that many horses get saved from this process.

However, there are also the nightmare stories. Horses that got purchased from Camelot that had serious medical issues, lamenesses or behavior problems. It is always a risk to “pull” a horse from Camelot because you are buying a horse sight unseen, with no vet exam, no history from the previous owner, nothing to go on but a few photos and what the Camelot staff saw on the night of the auction and how the horse has behaved since being at Camelot. All horses have to have a coggins pulled before they leave Camelot and all  horses are supposed to be quarantined somewhere for 30 days once they leave, but no one is going to stop you from putting the horse in your own “quarantine” at your own barn. So there is the potential to spread disease from these horses.

That said, there is something irresistable about looking at these horses and imagining that you could find a diamond in the rough…that you could enjoy a rags to riches story. Not only do you end up with your dream horse for less than $1000, you get to say that you “saved” the horse from certain slaughter. Week after week, there are usually some adorable minis for sale and every now and again, a pregnant mare or a mare with a tiny foal by her side. Then you feel so happy at the end of the week when they all get purchased. It’s addicting.

Late in August, I was feeling rather lonely and bored on a beautiful Saturday afternoon–the perfect time to go on a trail ride on Max. Except Max was gone. With nothing else to do, I logged onto my computer and took a look through the “Available horses” folder on Camelot Weekly. I couldn’t believe that there was this very handsome chestnut gelding still available. The clock was ticking as the horses have to be sold by 2pm on Saturday afternoon. This horse was 12 years old, 16.1 hands and he had white legs and beautiful markings on his face. He was different from a lot of the horses in that they knew his history. He had been a family horse for 8 years and it was said that he was good on trails and had great ground manners, but the family had financial problems and had been forced to give him up. He had been fully vaccinated in the spring and had been well taken care of his whole life. He had very nice conformation and he had the biggest eyes and nicest head I had seen in a long time. In my mind, he was perfect for what I wanted. His price was low; with taxes and fees and the coggins, he would be right around $800. I started feeling panicky, like I had to do something. My sister was away for the weekend and so were my kids. I was completely alone. I texted my sister and told her about him. I could make one phone call and put him on my credit card. I could borrow a trailer and drive to NJ on Sunday or Monday and get him. My sister told me how bad of an idea that was. She reminded me about how tough the winter was last year, how little time I had for Max, and that I didn’t have a companion for the horse. Not to mention that the barn was full of gardening tools. She was right. This was foolish thinking. I texted my best friend and she said all the same things. “Take lessons for a while,” she recommended. But still, those eyes…

I decided I should go take a walk and clear my head. I planned to go out on the trails that I rode Max on, but instead, I found my feet walking towards the barn. Inside the barn, I was hit by all the smells and familiar sights and I wanted, no LONGED, for a horse to be in there. I looked at all of the gardening supplies and it made me immeasurably sad. I walked out to the riding ring. It had been raked recently to get rid of the sprouts of grass that tend to pop up when a ring isn’t getting used, and it looked so incredibly inviting. I walked out to Max’ grave and sobbed. Staring at the gravel spot where he was laid to rest, something inside me snapped and I told myself that as soon as I got back to the house I was going to call that number and buy that horse. I would deal with the fallout later, I would work out the details later, but there was nothing stopping me. I raced back to my house and logged on to get the phone number. The horse that I was going to buy had been moved to the “Sold” folder. That is when I hit a very low point in my life. I realized how little I had in my life without a horse. To get an idea on how I was feeling, read my previous post.

For the next few weeks I fell into a very deep depression. I had really lost my will to do anything. My “sense of purpose.” Quite literally, my will to live. I know I am sounding overly dramatic, but you feel how you feel and you can’t force yourself to feel differently. My days got into a pattern of flailing through the work day and then racing home to get to my recliner so I could watch TV, play solitaire on my phone, and look at Facebook. I didn’t want to cook or clean or spend time with my kids. I just wanted my recliner or my bed. I did go and take a riding lesson at Sandy Point Stables, and although I had a really good time, it wasn’t what I wanted. I don’t want to show at that level anymore. I don’t want to ride a horse that could care less who I am. Or a different horse every week. I don’t want to drive nearly an hour one way to get there and I don’t want to have to struggle to book a time when the instructor is available and I’m not or vice versa. I don’t want to start to care about a horse and then it gets sold or leased out. It just wasn’t what I wanted or what I needed.

On one of my trawls through Facebook, a photo of a horse jumped out at me. He had been posted by Canter New England. CanterNE is an organization that helps off-the-track thoroughbreds get sold to start new careers. They list horses for trainers that are selling their TBs right off the track, but they also rescue some, place them in temporary foster homes to get started under saddle, and then find permanent homes for them. These horses, once adopted, can not be sold. If the adopter can no longer take care of the horse, they must be returned to CanterNE or a suitable, approved adopter must be found to take over the care. Most of the photos of OTTBs are conformation shots of skinny horses in racing shape. This photo was a picture of a horse in a stall nuzzling the face of a small boy. His name was “Timmy.” I clicked on the link to read more about him. He was 9 years old, 16 hands, and had raced until he was 6. He had won some races but was no longer competitive. He was given winters off from racing and the race trainer would ride him around the stables. She had owned him since he was born and owned his dam as well. He had left the track 10 months ago when his trainer could no longer afford to keep him. CanterNE had placed him in a foster home where they said he was a big “love bug” and he had been going sound under saddle with a great temperament.

I sent an email to CanterNE. A woman named Ellen answered my email and told me that Timmy’s foster mom said he was “a riot” and a barn favorite. She said that he just didn’t do anything wrong. And although he had had an issue with white line disease, he had always been sound. The more they described him, the more I came to realize what I wanted in a horse. Personality. That had replaced jumping ability, a show record and lead changes on my priority list. I loved the fact that he was curious and comical, but affectionate and lovey. I loved the fact that he was smaller and that he had a great attitude. They sent me some more photos. He had the cutest face and a nice, filled out body. Then Ellen told me that he was located in New Hampshire, 3 hours from me. She suggested that I look at two other CanterNE horses that were closer by. She said there was a horse named “Beamer” that also fit into the category of a slightly older OTTB with a great personality. It was too late. I wanted to meet the horse that nuzzled boys’ faces.

So on a Sunday morning, I drove by myself for 3 hours to his foster home. He lived in a very nice place. Beautiful big barn in the middle of the woods on a hill. The foster mom, Dawn, had 12 horses. They were all either hers or her husbands. Many of them were rescues. The barn was immaculate and the horses were groomed beautifully. All of them had their stall doors open and were hanging their heads out into the wide aisle over a single rubber-covered stall chain. She told me all about Timmy and how good he was. She said he just never did anything wrong. She explained to me that he did injure himself once he got to her place. He evidently put his head between the fence rails to get at some good grass and must have pulled his head back in quickly, banging his forehead on the top board. He came in from turnout with some bumps on his head so they had the vet check him. He had hit himself hard enough to produce a small hairline fracture between his eyes. He never acted like it hurt him and didn’t change his behavior at all. They gave him some time off but put him back into work when the vet said it was okay. The vet thinks that the bumps will get reabsorbed over time, but it didn’t matter to me in the slightest.  His head was so cute and he was nuzzling me and being attentive and curious.

Right away I liked his conformation and his barn manners. Very laid back. Dawn rode him first and he was very quiet. She cantered him in both directions. When I got on him he stood quietly at the mounting block and let me adjust my stirrup leathers from the saddle. I walked and trotted him around and he was nice and slow and calm. And comfortable. I felt at ease on him, like I used to with Max. I got the immediate impression that he would be a horse that you would have to ride with spurs on, which isn’t always the case with an OTTB (for obvious reasons). I didn’t canter him because I was so loose and I was not comfortable in Dawn’s saddle, but I knew that his canter would be an easy goal to reach once I could ride him in my own saddle, in familiar surroundings. I told Dawn I really liked him and she told me that she loved him and would take him back at any time, for whatever reason. “Even 10 years from now, he has a home with me.” That was a huge thing for me. You hope to never need a fallback plan like that, but it’s nice to know that it’s there. I told her I would think about it and get back to her.

As I drove the 3 hours home, I wondered what I was doing. I hadn’t told anybody because I knew no one would approve. I knew that my family would say that I should wait until the spring. I didn’t have a companion for him. I didn’t have a boarder to help with expenses. My pastures were knee-high with grass that had gone to seed. I had rakes and potting soil in my barn. What was I doing? I was going through the motions like it was all doable, when I really didn’t think it was. The next day I went to work and got an email from Ellen asking me how I liked Timmy. I told her I loved him. It was true. He was all I could think about. I told her that the only issue was finding a companion or a boarder for him. She offered to let me take Beamer until I got a boarder or a companion. That could work! Maybe I could find somebody to adopt him. Maybe it would help to convince my sister to let me get Timmy if she got something to ride for a while. Still, I posted an ad looking for a boarder because if I took Beamer I would have to feed 2 horses instead of just 1, which I could do for a month or so, but what if it took longer than a month to find a boarder? Then what? I figured this would be my “out” for not going through with it if I couldn’t find a boarder.

I spent some time searching the internet for information on Timmy and found a photo of him racing, one of him as a 1 month old, and one of his sire, Seacliff.

I knew I was getting attached.

That’s when I got the idea to talk to my friend Alison at Sugarland Stables. I had given her a bunch of hay when Max died and I did a lot of graphic and website work for her to help her out with her business. I had recently announced for her at her schooling show and was planning on helping her out at her next show in October. I asked her if I did my own stall and brought my own grain, hay and shavings, would she let me have a stall in exchange for more work. She said yes. I worked out a budget and it would work. So before I could talk myself out of it, I paid the adoption fee. They make it so easy–you pay right online through PayPal. When I hit that Submit button, there was no turning back. But I still kept telling myself that I could always bring him back. At least I would have fun for one month at Sugarland Stables.

A friend let me borrow a trailer and I found myself driving back up to NH to get him just 2 weeks after my first trip. I wrapped his legs, they said their goodbyes and he walked right on the trailer on the first try. He rode for 3 hours in the trailer without so much as 1 kick or scramble. When I got to Sugarland, no one was there so I had to unload him by myself. Again, he was a perfect angel and just backed off the trailer for me. I walked him around and he wanted to sniff every inch of the property. I let him sniff noses with the ponies and 1 horse that lived there. He even rolled in the riding ring! I put him in his stall and he spent the rest of the day checking everything out through his window.

That night I kept asking myself “What have I done?”

The next morning, I drove over to see him. I had been worried that he would whinny through the night (and Alison’s apartment is in the hay loft above), but she said he didn’t make a sound. We turned him out by himself in the riding ring paddock. He ran around a bit (and lost a shoe in the process), but overall he was really good. Alison said he lasted about 4 hours before he wanted to go in. The next day we put him out in a grass pasture right next to the ponies’ field and he stayed out there grazing from 7 in the morning until 5:30 at night. Even when all the other horses and ponies were brought in, he didn’t run around or scream or anything. He even has an easy stall to clean with poops as small as a pony’s.

The next day I had the blacksmith come see him. Again, he was an angel. I had been worried a little about his feet, but Eric said that he had “typical TB feet” and nothing to worry about. He said that he liked him very much. So far, everyone that met him, liked him. Even my friends and Nora, my Max training partner, liked what she saw on the videos and couldn’t wait to ride him.

So after 4 days of owning him, I finally got to ride him. I only walked and trotted for about 10 minutes but it was all I wanted to do. The riding ring is right next to a road, and horses tend to get jumpy the first few times they get ridden in that ring. Timmy was no exception. He spooked a couple of times–once at a big truck and once at a person walking by, but all in all, he was very good. I couldn’t stop smiling!

The next day I rode him again for 10 minutes at the walk and trot. This time he didn’t spook once and I walked him over some rails on the ground and even took him for a “trail ride” around the barn (literally, we walked around the barn). He was peaky and snorting, but he did it. So it is working out better than expected. I put my kids on the bus at 6:45am, drive the 12 minutes to the barn, ride Timmy, put him out, do his stall and get home by 8:15am to shower and head to work. I get to work smiling ear to ear. Even when we change the clocks for daylight savings time, I should be able to get more rides in than when I tried to ride after work. My best friend Jen is coming tomorrow to ride him for me (she will be the first to canter him) and give me suggestions on bits and what to work on. I know that his head is too high, that he likes to bulge out around the corners, and that his speed is up and down, but she will have insight on what else I should focus on and how. Then I’ll work on having Nora come ride him next.

I didn’t watch TV for two days this week. I spent time with my kids and looked around at things I want to do around the house this weekend. I know that a horse isn’t the answer to all of your problems or a cure for depression, but in my case, it is a very important start in the right direction. One of my friends said: ” I can understand what your family is saying, but my thought is that your mental health overrides your fiscal health in this particular instance. If you were depressed and in a dark place, then consider this therapy. So much of who you are is wrapped up in horses, and minus that, you cease to be you in a big way. That doesn’t benefit anybody. If you’re happy having a horse again, then your kids benefit, work benefits, and everyone wins. Enjoy it. Life’s too short to be depressed.” Another said this: “Your happiness is priceless. Suffering is not an option. You are going to make it all work.” And a third friend said: “guess what i’m saying is sometimes you just gotta put your heart in front of your head.” My friends are supporting me like I never could have imagined. Even my mother, who is the ultimate worrier (I learned from the best) said: “Forget about what anyone else thinks, you have to do what is best for you; I’m glad you are happier, that makes it worth it.” So far, it has all been worth it.

I even feel like I am getting out of shape. You don’t realize how much work goes into caring for 3 horses. Not just the stalls, but walking to and from the barn, throwing bales of hay around and 50 pound bags of grain. On Saturdays I don’t know what to do with myself not having my weekend barn chores. The term “loss of purpose” comes to mind and I feel depressed.

It has been nice not to have to race home after work to feed them but the empty pastures make me so sad. I miss the sounds they make as they graze. The grass is coming in thick and green and it seems like such a shame that the pastures are empty. The ring is perfectly groomed, the footing pristine, and it is not being used. The barn is currently being used by my sister as a gardening shed. Rakes, trowels, potting soil and a potting bench fill the aisle.

I have ridden a friends horse a couple of times, but it’s hard to ride someone else’s horse. It’s hard to coordinate times when you are both free. It’s hard for me to leave my sons for that long. It’s one thing to run to the barn and ride for 45 minutes and be within shouting distance and then right back home, and it’s another thing to drive somewhere and do it. The time just multiplies and I am too far away from my kids. And there is just something different about riding a horse that is your very own. It’s hard to put into words.

I miss Max so much, it aches. I just want him back. Turn back time and get a ‘do over’. I printed and framed photos of him and they are everywhere I look. On my computer. On my cell phone. On the walls. It helps and it hurts too.

I also can’t help but look online at classifieds and rescue websites. I want to wait at least a year, but as the weather gets nicer and nicer it gets harder and harder. I want to be riding so badly. I want a horse grazing in my field. I know I have to wait, but it is so hard. I want to be sure I can handle it financially and I want to figure out the perfect solution for a companion. Buy a pony? Get boarders again? I just don’t know. Only time will tell.