Men Are Better Than Women, by Dick Masterson

Tips for Gay Men on How to Avoid Gay Marriage

Dick Masterson — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 23:58:38 +0000

As a man, I am against gay marriage. Before all of you jackasses light your pink torches and start braiding your AIDS awareness ribbons into my noose, allow me to explain–even though I don’t really give a fuck because everyone on the internet is a tough guy and, truth be told, in real life I [...]

Treadmills Are Found There

Dick Masterson — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 06:59:29 +0000

The first thing I think when I meet a new woman is, ‘I wonder how often this broad goes to the gym.’ The answer I arrive at each time is, ‘Not enough.’ Women mostly look like wet rag dolls of flab and boobs all wrapped in a fabric casing that cost ten times more than [...]

Dick Masterson’s 2009 Man Challenge

Dick Masterson — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 20:26:03 +0000

I was getting so many text messages from hot babes on New Year’s Eve that my phone overloaded and permanently shut down. At least that’s what the technician at the Verizon store told me and I have no reason to doubt him. Not only does that mean I am 100% right when I say women [...]

Woman Astronaut Kills Everyone

Dick Masterson — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 17:13:45 +0000

NASA finally put a woman in charge of a spacewalk and guess what happened. Fuck ups happened. That’s what always happens when you combine women and space. Remember the Challenger explosion? That probably happened because there was a woman aboard. Earlier today, while doing routine maintenance on a solar panel, dozy astro-broad Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper let [...]

Chauvinists Make More Money

Dick Masterson — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 08:08:44 +0000

This article also marks my appearance in the SuperFrat/Dick Masterson cross-over comic, as the world’s first Chauvinist Detective. Check it out for more reasons why thinking that women are shit at everything is a good idea. While on Dr. Phil, I offhandedly referred to my work as the Art of Chauvinism. Little did I know [...]

There is Such a Thing as Bad Head

Dick Masterson — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 20:51:09 +0000

Welcome fellows and gentlemen to the Dick Masterson/Super Frat crossover comic event! Stay tuned all month to find out how I save the day as the world’s first Chauvinist Detective — and maybe teach the boys at Lambda Sigma Rho something about the Art of Chauvinism. While reading this amazing comic, I thought of something [...]

Women Caused the Subprime Meltdown

Dick Masterson — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 19:28:03 +0000

This letter was sent to me from America’s Heartland. Dear Dick, I live in Nebraska where anyone with a decent job can afford to buy a house. Recently, I’m seeing a trend in the amount of women who feel that they can AND SHOULD buy their own house. “How the fuck do these women expect [...]

Helping a Fattie

Dick Masterson — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 09:35:14 +0000

Sometimes, I feel like the doors of a Hometown Buffet ten minutes before it opens. Every day, dozens of fat broads line up to bust me down. Settle down you fucking cows, they serve that shitty lasagna all day. Today, I’m going to be talking about one of these fatsos. One who has captured my [...]

Bachelor Parties vs. Bachelorette Bitchfests

Dick Masterson — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 17:06:13 +0000

Do you know why wedding dresses are white? So the dishwasher will match the stove. Back when women at least pretended to have class, a bachelorette party was something you might read about in a crudely published pornographic newsletter: a marauding gang of drunk sluts scavenging small towns for attention after midnight. Prurient Fiction. Imagine [...]

The MABTW Tattoo

Dick Masterson — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 10:33:32 +0000

It’s rare that a man makes a mistake. I myself have never made one. However, last week I nearly did when I named Sarah Palin my Honorary Man of the Year. Clearly, the woman above deserves that title. However, the woman above is ineligible. Because she’s my Honorary Man of the Decade. My perfect record [...]

McCain and the VPILF

Dick Masterson — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 06:13:15 +0000

I’m going to tell you guys the first thing I thought when I was text messaged a picture of McCain’s new VP by a dozen fucking people at 8 in the morning. I’d fuck her. Meet the world’s first VPILF, fellows and gentlemen. A Vice President I’d like to fuck. And she will be Vice [...]

Dick Responds: The Mid-Wife Crisis

Dick Masterson — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 17:55:12 +0000

Marriage is a daily compromise of your money, time, and happiness for the senseless whims of some unpredictable bitch who stopped maturing when she started menstruating. Short version: Fuck marriage. Today, I have a new reason why none of you men should get married. And that reason comes from the last place you would ever [...]

Sexual Harassment: Deal With It

Dick Masterson — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 20:40:40 +0000

A penny saved is a woman fired. One of the best reasons not to hire a woman is that eventually, every single one of them will be sexually harassed by a co-worker. And guess who gets to pay for it? You. Money can make a woman forget anything. Humiliation, morals, the emotional well-being of her [...]

Female Medics Are Deadly

Dick Masterson — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 09:28:51 +0000

Every time you walk over a freeway, you make a choice not to throw batteries at the cars below. Think about it. It’s not like you’d get caught. What are they going to do? Stop on the fucking freeway and climb the overpass? I’d like to see that. But you choose not to because an [...]

Olympic Fuckery

Dick Masterson — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 07:37:05 +0000

As a rule, the Olympic Games are chalk full of fuckery. Now, stage that fuckery in capitalism’s lower intestine: China, and you’re guaranteed an epic level — nay, an evolution of clusterfuck. The fuckery at these Olympic Games has come in new and exciting forms. And since most of these “controversies” could easily be solved [...]

Fat Women: Stay Home!

Dick Masterson — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 09:04:53 +0000

Every weekend, millions of dumpy, 20-something sluts decide not to go to a nightclub because they’re an eyesore to men and an embarrassment to their species. Thank you ladies for doing that. You cows may be good for nothing, but at least you have the decency to be fat-fuck slobs in the privacy of your [...]

Top Ten Reasons Marriage is Stupid

Dick Masterson — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 18:37:20 +0000

I would never marry a woman who hated me enough to let me go through with it. Marriage is fucked and stupid and the second fastest way any young man can ruin his life. The first fastest way is by having a child. Try folding an index card in half twenty times. That’s how hard [...]

Dick’s Voicemail #17

Dick Masterson — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 02:10:30 +0000

Download the mp3

Dick’s Voicemail #16

Dick Masterson — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 01:23:17 +0000

Download the mp3

Dick’s Voicemail #15

Dick Masterson — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 18:45:38 +0000

Download the mp3