Funny jokes, Photos & videos from around the world.

Little Johnny.

2009-04-27T00:03:00.000-07:00

Little Johnny used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Little Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.

They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Little Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and Little Johnny would always take the nickel -- they said, because it was bigger.

One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, "Little Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel just because it's bigger"

Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've saved $20!

2009-04-26T22:54:00.000-07:00

The Cracked Pot

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on the end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots was perfectly made and never leaked. The other pot had a crack in it, and by the time the water bearer reached his master's house it had leaked much of its water and was only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."

"Why?" asked the water bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"

"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the pot apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But if we will allow it, God will use our flaws to grace his table. In God's great economy, nothing goes to waste.

Don't be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them, and you too can be the cause of beauty. Know that in our weakness, we find our strength.

2008-10-28T10:06:00.001-07:00

God's Cake

Sometimes we wonder, "What did I do to deserve this?" or "Why did God have to do this to me?" Here is a wonderful explanation!

A daughter is telling her mother how everything is going wrong; she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.

Meanwhile, her mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack.

The daughter replied, "Absolutely, Mom. I love your cake!"

"Here, have some cooking oil," her mother offers.

"Yuck," says her daughter.

"How about a couple raw eggs?"

"Gross, Mom!"

"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?"

"Mom, those are all yucky!"

To which the mother replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!

God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!

God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.

Cowboy Boots

2008-03-14T12:17:00.001-07:00

If you've ever dressed a child you will love this!

Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner than they got the boots off he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry, but she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots"

Hippopotamus

2008-03-14T12:10:00.000-07:00

Teacher to the class:

Now I am going to tell you all about hippopotamus. I want everyone to

pay close attention to me.

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

If you do not look at me, you will never

know what a hippopotamus is like.

Three science students went to a pond.

2008-03-14T12:09:00.001-07:00

The physics student said he wanted to calculate the density of water
and jumped into the pond.

Then the student of mathematics said that he wanted to calculate the
depth of the pond and followed the physics student.

The chemistry student waited for about an hour, then finding no trace
of the two, he left concluding that both were soluble in water.

High Birth Rate

2008-03-14T12:07:00.000-07:00

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money, hired a few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a family planning and birth control specialist. They moved into town, rented offices, set up their computers, go squared away and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for s cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town. Then he asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o.clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everyone up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

COINCIDENCE

2008-03-14T12:05:00.000-07:00

BOY : May I hold your hand?

GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I beshowing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say
prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good
cook".

Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of
COINCIDENCE? "
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on thesame day and at the same time

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

2008-03-14T12:04:00.000-07:00

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can be President.
* You can never be pregnant.
* You can wear a white t-shirt to a water park.
* You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* The world is your urinal.
* You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
* You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
* Same work, more pay.
* Wrinkles add character.
* Wedding dress, $5,000. Tux rental, $100.
* People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* One mood all the time.
* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
* You know stuff about tanks.
* A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
* You can open all your own jars.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
* Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
* You almost never have strap problems in public.
* You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
* Everything on your face stays its original color.
* The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
* You only have to shave your face and neck.
* You can play with toys all your life.
* Your belly usually hides your big hips.
* One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons.
* You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
* You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
* You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier

Jokes

2008-02-13T04:08:00.000-08:00

Corporate Quotes

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA )

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/ 3M Corp.)

Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."

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Fix It Yourself

When a guy's printing on his printer began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
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Complaints

It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life. There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.

The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE this trunk you have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool!"

The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet!"

Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE this long neck! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me!"

The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance."

The hen spoke up, "Lord, I don't want to complain, but either let me have a bigger behind or smaller eggs!"

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Quickies

NASA wanted to find a writing implement that could be used in space. It took 200 engineers and they spent over $2 billion to finally invent a space pen. This pen could write in zero gravity and the ink would still flow.

NASA proudly announced their success and congratulations flowed in from all over the world.

In a short note to the Americans, the Soviet engineers congratulated them, but said that they too had found a solution at a fraction of the cost.

They remarked, "We use a pencil."

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An old man was setting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

"What are you selling, young man," he asked.

"I'm not selling anything, Sir," the young man replied. "I'm a Census Taker."

"A what?" the man asked.

"A Census Taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States ."

"Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me. I have no idea."

________________________________________________________________

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

___________________________________________________________________

The widow lay crying on her psychiatrist' s couch. "We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years."

"Amazing," said the doctor. "How did you do it?"

"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."

___________________________________________________________________

The Princess And The Frog

There was a really cute princess walking through the woods, and she heard a voice calling, "Hey really cute Princess!"

She looked around and didn't see anyone but a frog. She started to walk on but the frog called again. "Hey Really Cute Princess, if you take me home and let me sleep on your pillow, I will turn back into a Handsome Prince!"

It had been a very boring day so she decided to give it a try even though she really didn't believe the frog. The Really Cute Princess took the frog home with her and let him sleep on her pillow.

When she got up the next day what do you think she found? There on her pillow sat a really handsome Prince.

Do you believe the story?

Neither did her mother...

Superb.!!! [:-)]

2008-02-05T11:34:00.000-08:00

There was a good old barber in Hyderabad. One day a florist goes to him for
a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies:

I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service.

Florist is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a "Thank
You" Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber he
again refuses to take the money. The Confectioner is happy and leaves the
shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is another
"Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.

A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber
again refuses the money saying that it was a community service.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds
there......

Scroll down for answer... . . . . . . .. . . . ....
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(Believe me it's worth it!!!!!!!!!! )
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A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut... with Printouts of
the Forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut.

2007-12-02T03:28:00.001-08:00

Patient Information

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello," she said. "I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Wells in Room 302," the woman answered.

"I will connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Wells in Room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Wells is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Murphy is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

"Thank God!" the woman said. "That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic, that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a family member or a very close friend!"

"Not exactly," the woman said. "I'm Sarah Wells in 302! Nobody here tells me anything."

2007-12-02T03:24:00.000-08:00

10 PINTS

 A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd
of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools.
 I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10
pints of Guinness back-to-back."

 The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even
leaves.  Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up
and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

 "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

 The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness.

 Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking
them all back-to-back.

 The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement.  The
Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and askes, "If ya don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

 The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to
see if I could do it first."

2007-12-02T01:32:00.000-08:00

ROSE

 There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer
remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where
they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

 The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only
one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold
the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the
rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

 The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing
his line over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up,
the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the
line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

 The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the
director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined
me!"

 The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?" He
asked.

 "No!" the director screamed, "You forgot the bloody rose!"

2007-12-02T01:29:00.001-08:00

WOODWORK CLASS

 It was the first day of the school year and the shop teacher was
surprised to see a young lady sitting in the front row of the classroom. Her
name was Jill and she was the only girl to sign-up for the woodwork
shop class that term. The shop teacher asked her if she was sure she was
in the right class, and Jill assured him that she was.

 The teacher then said, "This course may be a bit out of your league.
Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"

 "What exactly do you mean?" replied Jill.

 "Well, what's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the
shop teacher asked.

 Jill pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't
rightly say I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."

2007-12-02T01:27:00.001-08:00

MAGICAL FROG

 A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender
hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to
compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question
though, why is your head so small?"

 The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many
times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods.
I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming
from a frog sitting next to a stream.

 So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn
into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure
I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a
beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

 She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115
pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She
nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out
of my clothes and was standing there naked!

 She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at
her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you
here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We
then made love for hours!"

 Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious
lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more
wish. What will it be?"

 I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

2007-12-02T01:15:00.000-08:00

AWFUL FOUR LETTER WORDS

 A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got
back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How
was the honeymoon?"

 "Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

 Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Nasir
started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard
before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me
and take me home.... Please Mum!"

 "Rahat," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful?
What 4-letter words?"

 "Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so
embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

 "Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother
these horrible 4-letter words!"

 Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust,
wash, iron, cook!"

2007-12-02T01:11:00.001-08:00

MISTRESS.....

 This married couple was enjoying a dinner out when this gorgeous
blonde walks over to their table, exchanges warm greetings with the husband
and walks off.

 "Who was that?" Demands the wife.

 "If you must know, that was my mistress."

 "Your MISTRESS? I want a divorce!"

 "Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the suburbs, a Honda,
furs, jewelry, and a vacation home in Murree?"

 They continued dining in silence for a while. Finally, the woman asks,
"Isn't that Hamid over there? Who's he with?"

 "That’s HIS mistress."

 "Oh... Well I think ours is cuter."

2007-12-02T00:54:00.000-08:00

CAMPAIGNING

 While walking down the street one day a female head of state is
tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by
St. Peter at the entrance.

 "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

 "No problem, just let me in," says the lady.

 "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."

 "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head
of state.

 "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts
her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell.

 The doors open and see finds herself in the middle of a green golf
course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her
friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very
happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and
reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the
people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and
caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy
who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

 They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is
time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator
rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where
St. Peter is waiting for her.

 "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of
state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud,
playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes
it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

 "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now
choose your eternity."

 She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I
would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think
I would be better off in Hell."

 So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down,
down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle
of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her
friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black
bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.

 "I don't understand," stammers the head of state. Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and
danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable."

 The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

2007-12-02T00:47:00.001-08:00

Am I A Polar Bear?

One afternoon in the Arctic , a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I a polar bear?"

The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I really a polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"

The father polar bear replies, "Son, I'm 100% polar bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, so you are definitely 100% polar bear."

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear AGAIN turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I gotta know, am I 100% polar bear?"

The father polar bear was distressed by this continued questioning and asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"

"Because I'm freezing!"

2007-12-02T00:43:00.001-08:00

Healthy Eating

This 85 year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die tragically in a car crash. They have been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's nearly neurotic interest in health food.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite, complete with a jacuzzi. As they 'oohed and aahed', the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," St. Peter replied, "remember, this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is Heaven; it's free!"

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your darn bran muffins! I could have been here ten years ago!"

2007-12-02T00:37:00.001-08:00

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

2007-12-02T00:33:00.001-08:00

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded
a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she
began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She
moved again and then on her third move he burst out
laughing.... ......... ... She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was
asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:
When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing
she was pregnant.

She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming
Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The
Trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the
third move she sat under an advertisement, which read:
'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

The case was dismissed... ......!!! !!!

2007-12-02T00:25:00.001-08:00

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's rear end and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

2007-12-01T23:14:00.001-08:00

One day a farmer decided that he wanted to expand his chicken farming. In order to do this he would need a stud rooster. He asked around his fellow farmers and the general consensus was that the best rooster was from a far away town. His name was Randy. The farmer went to this far away town and met with Randy's owner. The owner confirmed that Randy was indeed the best, but would come at an expensive price. After much deliberation, the farmer decided to invest in Randy.

When the farmer got home, he sat down with Randy and explained what he needed and reinforced the great expense he went through to obtain Randy.He told him that while he expected Randy to perform, he also expected Randy to pace himself. The farmer released Randy in the hen house and Randy went wild. Feathers where flying and Randy was servicing every hen in the house. The farmer reiterated to Randy the necessity of pace. The next day, Randy not only went flying through the hen house, but also went after the dog, the cat, the sheep, a fox and several other accessible animals. The farmer was outraged. "Randy" he said, "You can't possibly last at this pace." "Slow down, I need you for a long time." Well, the next day, the inevitable happened. Randy was lying in the field looking like death was soon coming. Buzzards were circling around and slowly getting closer. The farmer watched his investment slowly dying. He dragged himself up to Randy and said "How could you?" "I asked you to pace yourself, I told you how important you were."

Slowly, Randy opened one eye and said "Shh, they're getting closer."