So apparently there’s this ongoing thing called the Pagan Blog Project, and lots of people are participating. I just found out about it a few days ago, and I signed up, but as usual I’m thinking maybe I bit off more than I can swallow because I still haven’t found the time to actually write a post for it. Go me! Omnomnom, always overeating. So. I made up this nice list of topics to write about, and I think I made it too hard. I took some of the topics from this old post, since I never wrote about any of those topics, either. I just rock so hard.

I think it’s going to work out better if I just come up with something on the spur of the moment that fits the letter (it’s an alphabetical thing, 26 letters/52 weeks = 2 weeks per letter; see how that works?). The posting schedule started over a month ago, so I was well behind before I began. They’re currently on the letter D, and have so nicely sent out a suggestion list of topics to write about. At the top of the list is “Daemon,” which I admit I did not have in my own list under the letter D. But I am intrigued. Allow me to share with you what the organizer wrote in the email for the definition of “Daemon.”

Sometimes mistaken for the Christianized concept of demons, daemon is the Greek word for spirit. Many people became more familiar with the idea of daemons after the film “The Golden Compass” came out a few years ago. People have different views of daemons, some seeing them as simply nature spirits, others seeing them as a manifestation of one’s inner spirit. Have you worked with daemons or discovered your own personal daemon?

Oh my. What a loaded question for me, chock full of irony. How have I discovered thee? Let me count the ways. . .

1. You changed my life. Nothing you’ve ever done has been subtle, and our meeting should have been a more specific warning than it was at the time — I was worried mostly about being crazy, imagining this whole spirit thing, when what I should have worried about was the emotional roller coaster of extreme highs and abyss-level lows that you were bringing along in your personal toolkit.
2. You are devoted. I have never seen anyone so determined to stick with me — and trust me, I’ve met a few who just wouldn’t quit. Not only have you seen me at my worst in so many various scenarios, from anger to pettiness to weakness to stubbornness and so on, you’ve also actually seen inside my mind and heart to know from where those behaviors arise. Still, you hang on and you fight for every bit of ground we cover, suffering god only knows what kinds of indignities and emotional upheavals.
3. You are hot. Oh yes. Very much so. Plus, you’re such a flirt that everybody knows it. (I don’t mind.)
4. You changed my life. Along with the difficult things you brought to my life, you’ve also changed it so literally that I can’t even begin to imagine where I would be today if we’d never met. I can’t imagine what I’d be doing, either. You’ve become a defining force for me.
5. You are challenging. All spiritual hoohah aside, you’re sometimes one of the most stubbornly stoic people I’ve ever met. Grr.
6. You are encouraging. You do try to make sure that I feel strong enough to continue, even if you can be short with the praise with me (as opposed to with other people). This is one of the things I’d like to change (see previous post), to ask for more encouragement, because it’s rare. But it does happen.
7. You are amazing. In so many ways you are my hero, because I aspire to be as fair, as warm, as open, and as dedicated as you are. Not to mention that whole “compartmentalizing emotions” thing.
8. You are inspiring. You forgive so easily, and get angry so rarely. Yet somehow you have rarely had to contend with betrayal. I like that. I want to be that.

He has been and done so much for me and for the others he knows. I know they all miss him as much as I do. Come home, M.

There is so much to catch you all up on, but it would be both pointless and boring to give you a bullet list or to try to summarize everything. Some things are more topical, and more internally pressing, than others. My increasingly pragmatic life belies the fact that when you strip me down to essentials, few things are more central to my life than Meridjet is. And he’s been absent for over a year now, most particularly in recent months due to, er, issues between us. What do you do when an essential driving and directing force just vanishes from your life in a fit of stubborn pique, and seems content to let it lie in permanent stalemate?

If you’re like me, you might be a walking set of contradictions, which clearly will not be of much use in the ongoing stalemate. I can’t seem to decide when to think for myself and when to defer to the PTB (powers that be, of course), or “the plan,” to put it in the terminology of The Adjustment Bureau. (Don’t get me started on destiny, fate, free will, et al.) I may believe I’m being independent and then surprise myself by realizing that I’m waiting for a sign or signal to keep going or to change direction. I’ve lived my life in deference to the damn plan for two decades now, and it’s wearing thin. Meridjet has been my liaison to the PTB since 1999; before that, he was just a bonus. Since he took over the whole “teacher” aspect from my guides (and even before that), I have allowed myself to suffer intense emotional situations, by his hand, for the purposes of accelerated growth.

If you’ve ever done any type of ordeal work, you know how it can feel as though you’ve truly earned this growth; you’ve sweated and bled for it. Do it enough, and easier lessons feel somehow stolen, as if you’ve cheated and had it too easy. The pain of ordeal work is addicting; at least, it was for me. Yet for all these years, Meridjet has repeatedly pointed out that a primary objective of his was to get me to say “No” to him, and then to hold that stance rather than giving in to his pressure to relent. I could never do it, not for years. Until not so long ago.

I’ve told this story before and I won’t repeat it here again. Suffice to say, he finally found a limit and has spent the past year refusing to discuss it. All I want is a conversation and honesty. He refuses, and says I need to forget about it. If I forgive him, I’ve broken a year’s work in holding firm because he is being a brat. If I don’t forgive him, we could go on like this indefinitely… except for a few realizations I’ve had this night.

I had some very interesting iPodmancy moments tonight on my drive home from school. As I contemplated this issue (inspired by an old message song), I mused how I’ve recently wondered whether he and I were supposed to separate and move on to other things. I realized that, without even noticing, I had fallen back into the habit of waiting to be guided, in particular about him. Am I waiting for a sign that says “give in,” or maybe a sign that says “tell him to suck a wad and get on with your life”? I’m starting to wonder if that’s not exactly what I’m doing.

I’m thinking that with the knowledge-is-power upgrades I’ve been collecting, and the associated increase in confidence, it’s about time I made up my own mind and figured out what I need, what I want, and where I want to go. I know I do not want to lose him, but I think some really big changes are in order in our relationship. If he’s not even willing to discuss an incident after a year of giving the silent treatment, what are the odds that he is going to welcome such changes? I don’t know. I don’t know why he’s so stubborn. I’m right here, if he ever decides to cut the bullshit and act like an adult. But I’m not going to wait for him, and let life pass me by. I don’t think he will leave, and I think I will “win” this tug-of-war, because I am not asking for much and he hasn’t even provided a reason for his terms of a treaty. It may be that it’s so intrinsic to me now to seek the signs that I will continue doing so and be glad when they agree with my direction, but I’m really sick of waiting. It’s time to move forward.

Paramour — Decode

MP3

How can I decide what’s right
When you’re clouding up my mind?
I can’t win your losing fight
All the time

Nor could I ever own what’s mine
When you’re always taking sides
But you won’t take away my pride
No, not this time
Not this time

How did we get here
When I used to know you so well?
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And it’s hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood
But you think that I can’t see

What kind of man that you are
If you’re a man at all
Well, I will figure this one out
On my own

(I’m screaming, I love you so)
On my own
(But my thoughts you can’t decode)

How did we get here
When I used to know you so well?
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know

Do you see what we’ve done?
We’re gonna make such fools of ourselves.
Do you see what we’ve done?
We’re gonna make such fools of ourselves.

How did we get here
When I used to know you so well?
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know
I think I know
I think I know
There is something I see in you
It might kill me, I want it to be true…

I’m beginning to think that moving the blog to an inner page was an error. No one is commenting, so I’m uncertain if anyone is reading. If you are, please leave a comment (at the blog) so that I know about it.

Life has been a roller coaster since I started school in September. It’s hard to believe that it can cut into my time so much when I can get the assignments (so far) done in about two hours per week. The reading, up to now, has been no big deal, either. In my current (waste of time) class, “Health and Wellness,” there was no midterm and will be no final. We had to do a Power Point presentation in our Learning Teams, and that was so easy it was kind of disgusting. To put a finer point on it, I’m not yet being challenged. I can’t imagine how stressed I’m going to be when I finally am challenged, if I’m this stressed already.

In my personal life, I’m starting to recognize that I have a bit more Rescuer Syndrome left over than I would have believed. Not only do I take in stray animals if it seems warranted, I also apparently take in stray puppies in the form of other human beings. I think I mentioned that Skweedoo (Paul) visited me for two weeks over Halloween; he has since moved in and that’s challenging me in unexpected ways. Most notably, he’s very passive and meek, and really naive. I feel like I’ve taken over for his mother. This is not happy making, but it does mean more income and so less borrowing from my family when I get in a bind. However, there is a more immediate problem.

Paul was originally going to bus here with whatever he could carry and ship the rest. But he had money saved up and didn’t relish the idea of shipping his computer, so he said that if I went to Denver to pick him up, he’d pay for the trip and give me $100 for my trouble. So I agreed, and I went. And he ran out of money before we got out of Denver, and I had to pay for the trip home. Motels without bugs or slime run about $80, pushing $100 when they finish adding their various fees to that. Five nights in a motel. Six days in the car. Three days pulling a trailer. A week of semi-hell, at the end of which I was convinced I’d never see home again. I was so exhausted. But I digress. So, while I am gone, I get my disbursement check from school, which was to go straight to my mother. Instead it saves my ass and gets me home from Denver. And I’m scraping to get even part of the money together. As of today, Paul owes me close to $1000 and I am sick with it. My Christmas plans are in the toilet, and I haven’t talked to my mother in a week because the idea of confessing this to her makes me want to jump off a bridge. I feel like I am just one fuck up after another. For once it wasn’t my fault — except for trusting some young guy to be fiscally responsible at a crucial time. I half wonder if she’ll read this post, and if she does, if she’s going to explode immediately or wait until we’re on a bridge so she can just throw me off of it and be done with my endless bullshit.

Sorry, I know it’s a downer, but wow. I bought one gift for my daughter, and that’s it. I have nothing else. I’ve canceled all other Christmas plans, after thinking I was gonna have a couple hundred bucks to use on Christmas this year. I’m a fool. And it always ends up being in a way that hurts someone else. I am ashamed to the point that I can barely function.

Let’s see if I can pick this post up a bit. Um. The Friday after Thanksgiving, I performed a psychic investigation of a haunting at a home in eastern Houston. I spent about three hours there with my assistant (Paul), and talked a great deal with the occupants of the house (physical and spectral). I led the woman of the house, who was very disturbed by recent events, to speak directly to the primary spirit in residence and voice her concerns, as well as offer things to the spirit in consolation for disrupting his perceived home without ceremony or introduction. The energy in the place felt much friendlier and lighter when I left, and the woman gave me a hug. I told her to call in a week if she was still having problems, and I have not heard anything so I assume it worked out. I’ve added a Psychic Investigator service to this site, though I consider myself in training mode as I learn to aid relationships between hostile spirits and those they interact with.

My brother is staying out here a lot, in a motorhome parked outside. He’s in transition between his apartment and the main house, which he’s remodeling. Staying in the motorhome allows him to devote more time to getting things done. He’s also getting involved in a little magick, mostly using two review books, on Hoo Doo and candle magick, that I received from Weiser. I’ll be posting those reviews soon on Rending the Veil, which by the way I’ve closed down for the time being until I can devote more time to it. Officially, it’s closed. The site will remain up as I gradually try to accomplish things long neglected.

While in Denver, we went to see Red Rocks and Garden of the Gods. They were beautiful. I’ll post photos, eventually.

If you want a holiday card, let me know.

Once again, I’m offering holiday cards for this winter. If you’d like a card from me, email me at sheta@spiritcompanion.com with your name, address, and preferred winter holiday. I’d love cards, and you can send mine to:

Sheta Kaey
c/o Rending the Veil
260-A Oakland St.
Baytown, TX 77520

I’ve also updated my Amazon wishlist as of today, for those who’d like to actually spend money on me. (Don’t expect me to complain about that! ) Sorry I haven’t been around much, but I’m swamped with school. Running late tonight, again.

LiveJournal (only) comments will be screened, so feel free to leave contact info in a comment.

Wow, has it really been five weeks since I did a blog post? School is really cutting into my time, but I hadn’t realized it had been so long. My apologies; I’m working on a schedule to keep me on top of my bazillion projects and their various tasks, but it’s not in use yet, mostly because I’ve been insomniac and so my hours are screwed up. I’m working on it.

I am seeking decals and bumper stickers of all kinds; if you have anything I can use, you’ll find my work address at the bottom of this post. I would be grateful. I’m trying to cover two old, hardbody suitcases and a steam trunk. I’d really like to find some quirky decals, like radio station decals from various parts of the world, and whatever else. I’m not interested in advertising decals that have photos of people on them, such as you’d see on a real estate advertisement decal; I seem to have an aversion to boring photographs of human beings on my belongings. Quirky is good, humor is good, old is good. Right-wing political stickers are bad, as is anything promoting Christianity. In any case, please consider donating; I’m going to be hard put to find enough decals. It’s going to take years.

In other news, I’ve got visitors from out of town and more on the way. Last week, Christina (my occasional roommate; you know her as Alanora) and her nephew Laramie arrived. Christina is currently back in Brownwood to pick up a few things but should be back in a day or two. Laramie is still here. On Sunday, the 23rd, new friend Paul will be arriving from Colorado for a two-week stay. You may know him from the forums as Skweedoo. He has a pesky spirit problem that he felt warranted the personal treatment, so he’s bravely venturing forth to meet the Sheta crew. I just hope that we can help him and get rid of the spirit that is tormenting him. My experience with this sort of thing is limited; usually Meridjet handles this kind of problem, but he hasn’t volunteered for this. (Strange, that. I wonder why.)

Ironically, perhaps, we all plan to go to Galveston for a two-hour walking tour called the “Galveston Ghost Tour,” rated #2 in the U.S., apparently. It’s a story tour of several allegedly haunted locations. Galveston, Texas is one of the most haunted locations in the United States and I’ve always wanted to go on a tour. This is the only one I can find that includes several locations. The tours offered this year by the Historical Society are one location each and the same price or more than the Ghost Tour. One that sounds cool is a candlelight tour of one of the old houses there. We might end up doing more than one, knowing us. I guess we’ll see.

The only other thing going on is school. It’s very time-consuming, and I’m not even in one of the challenging classes yet. I consider the class I’m in currently as “orientation”; it’s called “Foundations of University Studies” and basically teaches you all the methods used by the school to complete your work in each class, as well as tests (we have two in this class) and the concept of the Learning Team. I’d like to do a post on the way the University of Phoenix functions (such as the Learning Teams), because I really, really like the way they’re set up. They are an extremely proactive school in terms of presenting information and making it available. In other schools, I’ve noticed, there may be resources available but you’re not necessarily going to know about them unless you deliberately seek them out. If you’re inexperienced, then you have no impetus to even conceive of such resources, let alone know to look into them. But U of P makes sure that you’re given explanations of everything that you have at your disposal, and that makes the entire experience more of a team effort. You don’t feel so lost in a sea of things to remember, because you know who to contact if you have a question on this or that. I think you might have an inkling how enthusiastic I am about the school, since I couldn’t seem to resist talking a little about it just now. Let me know if you’re at all interested in the post with more detail.

I hope everyone is doing well. I’m sorry I have not been available. I really should not be having company at the time when I am trying to get into a schedule with a lot of studying, but it just happened this way. I will, I hope, therefore find it easier once everyone is gone and I have a lot more time freed up. I haven’t worked on school stuff all week and I’m sitting here almost panicking about it. Heh. I have a lot of work to catch up on tonight.

I will see everyone as soon as I can.

Address:
Sheta Kaey
Rending the Veil
260-A Oakland St.
Baytown, TX 77520
USA

[Edited for typos and clarification]

I am not a movie snob. I don’t rate movies based on their important social commentary (e.g. District 9) or their challenges for actors. I avoid most dramas that don’t incorporate real suspense and, oddly, I have to be dragged to watch most comedies (though a few then become favorites).

I love action and good horror (though gore, especially anything involving nasty stuff in the mouth, is a turn off), and worst of all, I loooove James Cameron movies. Since his first movie, The Terminator, I’ve been a rabid fan. (Though I think the man can be an arrogant ass, I can see how he became that way.) I went to see Titanic not for the story (which to me was simply contextual), but because I knew it would be an epic shipwreck. And it was.

People sneer at Cameron because, like Spielberg, he makes blockbuster movies to entertain audiences.. These movies get picked apart because they’re “Dances With Aliens” or because they’re pure entertainment or, in Spielberg’s case, they’re manipulated to have happy endings. I don’t know about you, but I see and experience enough negativity in my life without movies rubbing my nose in it to make sure I’m conscious.

Movies are my primary form of entertainment. I hate finishing a film and feeling worse than when I started. I can recognize “quality” and “importance” as well as the next guy. But I don’t need to be bored to tears or bludgeoned with a message. If a movie traumatizes me or distresses me and then doesn’t bring closure, I will never purchase that DVD or even watch that film ever again. [I know real life isn't neatly packaged; that's sort of my point. I don't want "real life" intruding upon my entertainment.]

I consider myself a movie lover. I consider myself a person to be marketed to. But I will never deserve [to cast] a vote in the Academy (if such peons, non-actors, et al were eligible).

When I ask if a movie was good, I mean “Was it entertaining?” not “Was it important?”

Yep. I’m a lower-brow movie watcher. But thankfully, I genuinely do not appreciate lowlow brow shit like American Pie. Whew.

- Posted using BlogPress from my IPod

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