What I Do

A Fresh Start

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Mon, 11 Nov 2019 15:00:00 +0000

It's Veteran's Day today, but to me, this is a New Year.

Last week, we enrolled our son into an intensive healing program at a ranch out of state. It feels a little weird to say that we sent him to boarding school because that's something for snooty rich people. I'd like to think that aren't snooty, and I know that we aren't rich.

But boarding school isn't cheap, even when it's a Christian ministry aimed at helping children with trauma and attachment issues heal. It's still a pricey endeavor, which means that this lady -- who hasn't worked outside the home much in the last 20 years -- will be returning to the workplace.

I'm starting by reaching out to attorneys I know to see if I can grow my freelance work. But I've also spoken to one of them about more consistent part-time work, which is a relief. Taking on the burden of the monthly tuition was a scary proposition, and I feel better to know that I have been able to secure some income.

But I digress.

This isn't really about work, though that is a part. This is about a fresh start, some resolutions, some goals.

It's hard to know where to start.

There are the easier goals to talk about - the working out, the eating healthy stuff. Ones that are safe.

Then, there are the ones that are harder. The healing that I have to do myself. The wrestling I have with where my disappointments lie and where my faith failed. The regrets, the "wish I had done that differently" aspects. The grief, the concessions, the "it was out of my hands before I even started" aspects.

And so, I enter a new time. My son is a thousand miles away for the foreseeable future. I have my charts -- my cleaning chart, my personal growth chart, my exercise schedule. I'm about as ready as I will be.

So, let's go.

Counting Down

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Wed, 21 Aug 2019 23:11:00 +0000

I remember a conversation I had with my mom when I was a kid. I'm trying to remember the context. I don't recall being very old, but I really can't place where we were, what we were doing, how it came up. Perhaps we were in a store like Target or K-mart. I have this same conversation sometimes with my own kids in that context, so I'm thinking it must have been there.

My mom made a comment about discontent in the form of always living for the next big thing. In this case, I remember we were talking about holidays. She said something like this...

I feel for people who are always living for the next big thing, the next holiday, the next day off work, the next vacation. It's like they don't have anything worthwhile in their lives, so they have to wait for some big event to be excited about.

It was a simple comment that hangs there as a memory with really nothing else attached to it. But I thought of it today because I saw this picture posted on a news site.

And I liked it.

It made my life feel so much more bearable. Only 127 days until Christmas. That doesn't seem too terribly much. I'm wondering if it's too soon to make one of these:

When I think about the last year, I get overwhelmed pretty easily to then shift to thinking about the year ahead. I wonder how we'll make it through another year if it is like last year.

I haven't posted a lot about the various trials we faced this last year, but let's just say that I've learned a lot about mental health systems and spent a good amount of effort and time on legal battles advocating for my son. It's not fun. I'm not even sure yet if it's worthwhile.

We haven't reached conclusions on anything yet, so honestly, there are days when I wonder if all the time, effort, energy, and emotion that I've put into this year will pay off at all.

Regardless, I find myself trying to just get through to the next thing, sometimes wishing away the here and now to just fast forward to see what the outcome of all this stress will be.

Peaceful Pleasure

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Tue, 20 Aug 2019 00:26:00 +0000

There's a feeling I get sometimes as a mother. I don't know how to describe it except to call it peaceful pleasure. There's this small stillness and joy that comes when I look at pictures of my children. Sometimes, I feel it when I am watching them without them knowing it. I'm not a creeper, I swear. But you know what I mean. It's like if I'm volunteering at their school and I see them line up with their class after recess, but they haven't seen me yet.

There's just this calm content of watching your child, knowing they're yours, feeling the deep love that only parents can understand.

But raising a child with an attachment disorder makes this hard.

My son has this distrust built in him, stemming from early trauma. It's sad. It's understandable. But it's hard to be his mom sometimes.

I want to have these happy feelings when I walk up the stairs and see family pictures, but it's not always how it is.

But rather than focus on that today, I am really happy to report that my son was fairly annoying in the car this morning. That's not the happy part. That's the normal part. He talks incessantly and ignores social cues often. He can tell me the guidelines for car conversation (keep voices down, talk about something that at least 1 other person is also interested in), but he often doesn't follow them. I have to remind him a lot that we're all trapped inside a small box with him and it's not fair to others to be forced to listen to his shenanigans. At home, I try to let him have his silly time and his loud times because others can leave the room if they're not feeling it. But in the car, it's not okay. The car is a place to practice respecting each other's boundaries.

But here's the fun part... the part that made me happy:

Brian was explaining a picture to me and giving me way too much detail, but my response was amusement. I took pleasure, rather than annoyance, in his idiosyncrasies.

We've had a good start to the school year, which has been nice. I was very worried over the two weeks leading up to school. He was being a punk, honestly, for most of those days. I was experiencing elevated heart rates, stomach pains, the works. It was miserable. I wondered how long I will be able to live like this.

So, perhaps we only have a week or so of reprieve until school becomes hard again. But I'll take what I can at this point.

Hard Questions

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Fri, 02 Aug 2019 16:15:00 +0000

I came across this article today about an inmate who drowned his cellmate in their toilet. The murderer was obviously re-arrested and will be charged again. He is already in prison for quite a long sentence for a murder that he committed when he was 17.

This is where someone like me - someone who generally abides by the Consistent Life Ethic - runs into the difficult questions. Every philosophical stance has these kind of questions. There are times when a viewpoint or belief system is very clear. It's easily applicable and there's little disagreement among adherents and the general public alike.

Child molestation, for example.

Oh, yes... I forgot to mention that the cellmate that was killed was an egregious child molester, convicted of lewd and lascivious molestation of a child under 12.

I made the mistake of reading the comments on the Kron 4 facebook page. Some highlights:

- They should make public his number so people can put money in his books

- Should give this man time off of his sentence not rearrest him on new charges.

- RESPECT to a real man. My thoughts are with his family while they must see and hear of their loved one being slandered for making the world a better place.

I'm frankly appalled.

But I'm also conflicted, although not with regard to the situation in the cell. The death penalty is a hard topic and child molestation is a sick crime. But here's the thing. The child molester was given a life sentence. Theoretically (yes, I know) he cannot commit his same crime again. He could perform other sex-related crimes, but it's probably unlikely since pedophiles target vulnerable children. The fact that the others in the prison are his peers, rather than young people unable to defend themselves, lowers the risk of this. In my view, with my grasp of the consistent life ethic, this child molester deserves to live.

In the least, he does not deserve to be killed by an individual. The death penalty is something that is governed because that is supposed to make it something that has accountability. Of course, I understand that this isn't what actually happens, and this is a huge part of why I'm opposed to it. I'm also opposed because I think that everyone should be given an opportunity for redemption. I won't go into here how flawed our prison system is to actually deliver that opportunity, but for the sake of time, I'll assume that being alive in itself gives you more opportunity toward redemption than being dead.

So, I believe that both the 17-year-old murderer and the child molester deserve to have their chance. They deserve to be in a place that will protect society from their evils, while simultaneously protecting their right to life. This is the ideal that jail is built on, however messed up our implementation actually is.

But now that the murderer has killed again, I start to see the hard question.

When we've put a person in a place that protects others from their dangerous crimes and that person commits the same dangerous crime again, what is left for this situation? Solitary confinement, perhaps. Some would say that this is a form of torture.

So, is it better to die than to be alive and face a slow, permanent torture? Is it right to allow this man to live until he kills a jail guard? Then what?

Hard questions.

Changing Seasons

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Fri, 02 Aug 2019 03:50:00 +0000

School starts in 2 weeks. Neither of the kids are particularly excited about that, but they are both eager for the annual school shopping. The backpack we ordered for Ashlyn arrived today. It's not a great one. You know how you can tell kind of just by feeling how papery the material seems? The other day, Eve and I were at Kohl's and we saw some JanSport bags, and I thought how much I always love JanSport backpacks. I had one that made it all the way through high school and well out of college. The only issue was that the front pocket zipper broke - twice. JanSport has - or at least had - free repair for life when you buy a back, but I learned the hard way that it can take 6 weeks to get a broken zipper replaced. Then said zipper can break again within a few month, so probably not worth the hassle. Regardless, I definitely got my money's worth on that bag. But it was actually pretty ugly. Anyway. I'm not here to talk about back packs. I'm here to talk about life change because who isn't down for that kind of conversation at 8:40pm, after the sleeping meds have been ingested and before Jane the Virgin finale has been watched. I was thinking today how different things are now than I thought they might be 5 years ago. 5 years was still when we were in Huntsville. It's funny how there are things that I complained about when we lived there that I would kill for now. (Not literally. I'm pro-life.) There were relationships I had that had more strain in them than I wanted. What I wouldn't give to have some of those people a short drive away. I'm very different, too, though. Five years ago, I was signing my kids up for school for the first time. Eve was entering 8th grade; Ashlyn - 2nd. Brian was starting his full-day schooling adventure (ha!) in kindergarten. The year was about the best I could have possibly anticipated... well, for the girls. Brian's education experience has been rough, to say the least. 5 years ago, I was a college-educated SAHM who hadn't earned in income for years. 5 years ago, I was someone who had the energy to not only think about volunteering, but I actually did it quite a lot. 5 years ago, I was someone on a spiritual path with people who were important to me and vital to my faith experience. 5 years ago, I was someone who could sit and write a blog post without stopping ten times to see if I'd met my goal of 15 minutes of journaling. I was also someone who wanted to be accepted by the "cool kids" in various places I went. This is a weird one, I think. I was 35 years old then, and it honestly caught me off guard that there even still were "cool kids." Either way, I'm glad that I don't care so much about that. I realize more and more that my mom was right all along that the cool kids are often then ones that feel insecure themselves. It's weird how that works. I still have 3 minutes to write until I reach my goal. I wish I had something better to say here. I wish I had some profound thing to say about growth and change and what that means. To say something about the good that has come though hardship. But really I just see it for something that is. Not for something that is good or bad, but just is. I'm different than I was five years ago. And I suspect I could write this same thing again in 5 more years. 2 minutes to go. Well, here's one thing that hasn't changed. I have such little internal motivation to keep going. I'm highly tempted to say, "eh. close enough." But today, I'm much more able to do that without feeling like a failure.

In the Quiet

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Wed, 31 Jul 2019 13:19:00 +0000

I woke up at 4:30ish today.

At some point during the day, I realize I'll be dragging, but right now, I'm enjoying the silence. Morning is the only time I really have that I can sit and take my time -- think, read, plan, drink coffee.

The other time that I have is the night, but there's always a little bit of weight hanging over it because I get stuck in that middle ground of not feeling quite tired enough to sleep, but knowing that I'll be sorry in the morning if I don't try. I usually watch some TV at night, so I have that same "stuck between" issue with that. The TV show helps me unwind, distracts me from the worries of the day. But also pours flickering light into my eyes, which sleep websites say keep me from sleeping deeply.

I used to not watch TV.

When Billy and I met, got married, and lived the next 9 years of our life together, we didn't have a TV with any shows on it. We didn't have cable, and not even an antenna for the local channels. We had a small TV and a VCR/DVD combo player. A few years down the road, we got a bigger TV. Then we got Amazon prime, but I rarely used it because it's not really user friendly. I still don't use it very much.

Regardless, when we moved to California, a friend started to let us use her Netflix account, and that was it. I was done. Over. Completely regressed into my childhood of sitting in front of the TV for hours.

Binging on shows was (still can be) a huge time zap for me. I know I'm not the only one, but I still don't like it. I've been trying over the couple of months to be more intentional about how I use my time... and my brain.

I've been reading at least 15 minutes a day, along with working 2 hours and doing household tasks for 2 hours. More recently, I cracked open the old Spanish learning tools (which are actually pretty heavy on TV shows, crazy enough). My biggest obstacle in Spanish is listening comprehension. I read well and can speak and write in simple, but effective Spanish. But listening is rough, and it's very hard for native speakers to be able to slow down enough to accommodate me. So, 15 minutes a day of Spanish listening. I work out daily, go on daily walks with Billy, and try to spend time each day in Bible reading and meditation/prayer.

This doesn't leave a lot of time for TV, honestly. But that hasn't stopped me from watching almost an entire season of Orange is the New Black in a weekend.

Borrow Mine

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Wed, 31 Jul 2019 03:11:00 +0000

I've been pretty down here for the last couple of weeks. I've gone through some of the usual suspects only to find that there's no clear explanation in those. Which is a hard reality to face. When you're eating a bunch of junk, and you're feeling lethargic, it's simple. Not always easy to change, but simple to understand that you are what you eat, and junk food will give you junk feelings.

But when you have those junk feelings even though you're trying to get good sleep and exercising daily, going out in the sun, drinking lots of water, eating your fruits and veggies. That's when it's hard.

It's even harder when your partner is feeling the same way.

There's a song that I have a love-hate relationship with. I love it because it's hopeful, but I hate it because it's idealist. I love it for the priority it puts on supporting one another, but I hate it because it's never quite that simple.

I agree that there is strength in numbers and that we need to walk beside each other when one of us can't get through on our own. In theory, it's true. In practice, it sometimes is, I suppose. I can definitely think of times in my faith life, in particular, that I've needed to rely on others for encouragement because I wasn't able to pull myself out of a slump. I think this is part of the value of a faith community.

And maybe that's my problem. Not so much that I don't have anyone, but more that I don't have enough someones.

Billy has been going through some similar things with feeling down. And for all the progress that I said we've made in our disagreements, we've both had a hard time stopping mid-fight to take the others perspective here more recently. It's hard when both people in a relationship need the other person to be the bigger person.

So, here I am in California with a total of ... few friends. The ones that I have live in our last town, so seeing them has become a hit or miss of "hey I'll be down there for a doctor appointment; wanna grab lunch" kind of thing. It's been more miss, honestly.

We haven't found a church home since we moved here. There are several reasons for that, the biggest one being that it's just a lot of work. I put the work in at the first church we landed at, but it wasn't really reciprocated. Again, just a couple of relationships there. The next church I went to was a Sunday morning thing. When I tried the small group scene they had, I got the lovely insistence that there was nothing wrong with my child with special needs.

(Life pro-tip: when a child is in 15 hours of behavior therapy a week, 1 hour of emotional counseling, a special ed classroom because he is 3 grades behind in school, on medication for ADHD and self-harming behaviors, and he's still engaging in anti-social conduct, the last thing his parent needs to hear is that he's completely fine. There aren't a lot of things I would say I get offended at, but that is one of them. Please don't pretend you know anything at all about my child from a 2-hour small group every other week.)

We've been going off and on to a Sunday morning church near our new (almost year old) home. We haven't gotten past Sunday morning, though. There are times when I think it would feel really nice to fall into a place where I could borrow someone else's strength for a while. But when you're in the middle of the train wreck, people aren't lining up to start a new relationship.

Somehow, I need to find the strength to get myself together long enough to make a friend.

What is Morality, Anyway?

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Fri, 19 Jul 2019 01:16:00 +0000

I started dissecting Andrew Yang's statement about the ridiculousness of people's beliefs about atheists and morality a couple of days ago. I'll admit, I'm already losing a bit of interest in it... mainly because there's so freaking much to critique and that seems pretty tedious. And we all know how I feel about tedious projects. (Okay, I see this self-referential tendency of blogging has come back pretty quickly to me.)

Anyway, I will go slightly into the next phrase of his statement, but allow me to make this disclaimer: there's a lot to unpack about the topic, and I'm not pretending or interested in exhausting the topic. I'm going to do a pretty cursory analysis on the topic of morality. It will leave a ton to be desired. You may walk away from this thinking it was the stupidest post you've read in quite a while, but this is what I'm willing to give, so you can take it or leave, as they say. (Who says that? No one really. But I am right now.)

Okay.

"people would think you are somehow less moral...because of your religious beliefs"

This is the next phrase. Remember, he thinks it's ridiculous that people would think this. I already discussed that I think the fact that he thinks it is ridiculous means that he probably hasn't investigated it very much. Or at least hasn't talked to people with the strongest arguments for this viewpoint.

This next phrase really solidifies that belief for me. Here's why:

While some religions might teach morals as an outward act, many view it as a combo double-punch package of outward action plus inward motivation. Some also add the impact created as a factor in how moral something is. That is, if the action is good or neutral and the intention is good, but the outcome is negative, this might rank lower on the morality scale.

But since we are talking about an American running for the highest office in the land, I'd like to put the context a little bit more specifically on the Judeo-Christian... er, actually just Christian... perspective of how a person comes to be moral.

It's kind of simple, honestly. This is a quality of Christian that we take pride in, so to speak. Except that pride is a sin, so ... we take whatever satisfaction or fulfillment in it that wouldn't be a sin. We like that our faith is simple. This is seen as a positive from the Christian point of view.

Romans 14:23 says, "Whatever does not proceed from faith is sin."

The immediate context of this statement is discussing whether Christians need to maintain a kosher diet, but the principle is relevant in anything we do.

So, from a biblical, Christian standpoint, a person that is not acting from faith in Christ is always acting in sin. Therefore, they are always immoral, even when doing nice things that have positive earthly benefits.

Ridiculous Opinions

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Wed, 17 Jul 2019 03:06:00 +0000

A couple of weeks ago, I was thinking about how impactful it can be to steel man someone else's position for them. Funny enough, my husband and I have had more ... ahem... passionate misunderstandings in the last couple of weeks than we had been having in the recent past, so it's been sticking in my mind more. Unsurprising, then, that when I saw a short write up about a statement made by Andrew Yang about people's views on atheists, my interest was piqued.

(Side note: am I the only one that thought for years that the phrase was "my interest was peaked"? I still think it makes sense. Just like "deep-seeded" seems better than "deep-seated." Oh, well. No one ever asks me.)

Now, from this original post that I saw on Patheos, there were several links to more information, including a video of the original statement.

There are a ton of problems with this statement, and this has nothing to do with my politics*. Or my religious beliefs, really. I realize it seems like I am pointing this out because I am not an atheist, and I'll admit that this is probably part of the reason that the statement stood out to me. But I think my critique holds up regardless.

The main problems, I believe, can be summarized in that Yang doesn't seem to truly understand the belief system of the people he is criticizing.

I'm going to take this one statement at a time because otherwise I would be here all night. I only need 15 minutes of journaling to get my points, so I definitely don't want to take all night. Plus, if I decide to come back to it later, I can squeeze a few points out of this one video and have my journaling points for at least a week.

The first phrase of interest that Yang says is this:
"I think it's ridiculous"

Let's stop there because I can tell you right now that when someone says that someone else's viewpoint is ridiculous, it's a pretty solid indication that they have spent very little time thinking about the viewpoint or have very little curiosity about what drives a viewpoint or have approached their consideration of the viewpoint with a biased assumption that the people holding it are somehow "less than." (Less intelligent, less thoughtful, less consistent, less caring, less accepting.)

I can't think of a time when I heard someone with an open mind and a goal for understanding explained an opposing viewpoint by calling it ridiculous.

So, lesson one:
- When we encounter a viewpoint that is different than ours or challenges ours, we should attempt to understand the reasons behind it assuming that the adherents to this belief have reasons for adhering to it, even if our first impression is that the idea is ridiculous.

*I actually like Yang more than most of the Democratic candidates.

Task-oriented

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Mon, 15 Jul 2019 22:00:00 +0000

Sometimes I feel completely frustrated by my own lack of drive, but then I look at my to-do list and I see a lot crossed out. But there's always more that's uncrossed. Always.

Through my adult life, I've struggled with the idea of being a task-oriented person. There's a deep understanding I have that relationships - not tasks - are what make life fulfilling. But try as I may, I hold a tension between what I'm naturally wired for and what I more deeply desire.

What's strange is that until recently, I've always had to remind myself to invest in relationships. It's a fact that homes need to have a level of cleanliness in order to be sanitary for living. My home is nowhere near the line of becoming unsanitary. I could never let it get there because it would just drive me crazy. So, in the past, I have needed to remind myself that while I'm getting after kids to do their chores, there was still opportunity to have shared experience and create positive relationship memories.

More recently, I feel like I've been more naturally drawn to relationships and have had to really motivate myself to get anything checked off my lists. Part of this is because I have some large projects with no real end in sight. Part of me understands that the more diligently I work on these things, the closer I will get to wrapping them up. But another part of me is so frustrated with the time and energy I've already invested with little result that I just want to abandon ship on some of it.

And that brings up more contemplating. What's the benefit of continuing a project that is getting me nowhere? It's hard to see it when I'm in the middle of treading water. With hindsight, I know that I usually regret dropping a project that has gotten frustrating. Most of the things that I work on are necessary. I mean, I don't just go around finding for non-essential ways to spend my limited time. So, when I drop a project that seems futile, I end up just being further behind on a project that still needs to happen.

This week, I've finally finished collecting medical records and therapy notes for a large project that I've been working on since last November. It's a little embarrassing, honestly. I think the old me would have had this done about 6 months ago. But in the last 8 months, it's just been so hard to peel myself away from time with friends, family, and so forth because the task seems so futile. The amount of time I've put in has been immense, and the outcome is a crap shoot. This will either result in an extra $6000 a year for the next 8 years or a big, fat nothing. And I have no way to really know until I give it a try.

All I know is that it won't go away. The need that we have is here to stay, and until I get this project completed, I just can't know whether it was worth it, but ultimately, getting it done (and done well) is the only option I have because it will continue to be something in my past that I should have done. When medical bills add up and I'm unable to work as much as I want because of appointments and school meetings, it will be nice to have a $6k cushion every year. And if I don't complete it, I will always think about how much therapy that would have paid for. Once I complete it, if we are denied the funding, at least I will have tried.

But man... these tasks are just really killing me right now.

The Man of Steel in Passionate Conversations

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Wed, 03 Jul 2019 16:33:00 +0000

There's a debate concept called "steel-manning" that is an interesting idea. The opposite of the straw man fallacy, the steel man argument attempts to bolster the argument on the other side and then address that argument. I first noticed this concept in Tim Keller's book The Reason for God. I wouldn't doubt that I heard of it prior to that, but I don't recall anywhere else. It's been brought to the forefront of my thought more recently through an organization called Equal Rights Institute.

The reason for this concept is multi-facted, but a couple of the things that stand out to me are these:

1. It respects the dignity of your conversation partner.
I hesitate to use the phrase "debate opponent" because I think debate is an intellectual exercise to be saved for certain contexts, and in reality, few of us are ever in those contexts. Plus if we are to move forward (i.e. be progressive), we really need to be partnering and having conversations to understand rather than debates to argue and win. The steel man argument acknowledges that your partner has legitimate ideas that are worth understanding and addressing. When we straw man (or even when we answer an ill-articulated view without helping bolster it first), we fail to acknowledge that there are views contrary to ours that deserve consideration. By extension, we fail to acknowledge that the person we are talking to deserves consideration of their ideas and perspective.

2. It builds up a relationship.
I'm not sure if you've left a discussion feeling completely misunderstood, but I can tell you that I have. So has my husband. We have a long history of failing to hear each other, which we have both worked on intentionally, and I'm happy to report that we've had better disagreements in the last 6 months than we ever have in our 14-year relationship. Listening to someone and being willing to help them make their arguments stronger, even when you disagree moves from just respect for their human dignity to growing affection for one another. There's a good feeling in knowing you're heard. And there's an amazing feeling in knowing your partner feels heard. Even when it's not your spouse.

3. It sets up a more compelling "win."
In this sense, I mean "win" not so much as winning an argument or a debate because you scored the right kind of rebuttal points. I mean that part of being heard and part of hearing allows for everyone to walk away with a more robust understanding of an issue. This is already a win, imho. But even beyond this, if there's are topics that we are truly passionate about (for me it's pro-life, financial education, and constitutional law), then we want our conversation partner to have these positive experiences of feeling heard and appreciated because it will take away the hard work of plowing through the defensiveness that so easily creeps into discussions on sensitive and passionate topics. When those blockades are removed, people are more willing to acknowledge where they are wrong or at least where they haven't quite thought through their belief system.

A Forced Contemplation on a (More) Preferred Topic

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Mon, 01 Jul 2019 21:28:00 +0000

I didn't journal much last week for a couple of reasons. First off, it was a brutal week. It was the 3rd week of summer, and my kids were sick with colds. They were tired of being cooped up inside and presumably feeling irritable from too much TV. I say presumably because how am I supposed to know, but that's the correlation I saw. The longer the TV watching went on, the grumpier they became especially when asked to move on to something else. It's the electronic drug, as my mom used to say.

The other main reason I didn't journal, blog, or even really think about much of any substance last week was because all my thoughts were consumed by special needs issues. I had a couple of waste-of-time projects that I needed to complete, only to find out that they were indeed a waste of time and I received absolutely no benefit from the time invested - perhaps with the exception of now knowing that those roads led to brick walls. The point is that I didn't have much to write about or think about except things that I just wanted to stop thinking about the moment I was done with my tasks associated with said thoughts. The last thing I wanted to do was actually journal and spend even more time in the misery of bureaucracy.

It seemed counter-productive to spend my time on those things when the goal of this time is to release some of the stress out of my mind through my fingers and into the ether. It wasn't going to happen, so regardless of the negative impact TV made on my kids last week, I found myself only wanting to crawl into bed and cuddle with Netflix in order to de-stress, so I did.

But today, I thought that I would try to make myself write about something that I care about, even if it's not a great amount of content. Because I'm so much more than a parent and a parent of a child with special needs to be specific. Though it takes a lot of me time, emotional energy, and general effort, it's not all-consuming. Or it shouldn't be.

So, here I am... I'm going to write about something else about me.

As soon as I can remember anything about myself that isn't focused around my children.

Books.

Okay. Here we go.

I've been trying to read for 15 minutes a day. I used to read voraciously and really enjoyed it, but recently I've found it hard to concentrate on much. So, I thought that 15 minutes a day would be a good start. I started my quest with Michelle Obama's autobiography.

The autobiography is one of my favorite genres. I think biographies are interesting, but autobiographies, when well written and honest, are compelling, for whatever that word is worth. I tend to find the word compelling to be overused and thus has lost a part of its power. Which is a bit ironic if you think about it.

Anyway, among my favorite autobiographies was The Private Life of Chairman Mao. It was an incredibly long, but interesting and heart breaking book. It was the story of intense fear and survival. It was set in a time when everyone was scared of being back-stabbed and standing up for oneself was a privilege that no one owned, not even Mao's closest advisors.

Obama's autobiography, so far, is very different. It is much more a story of supportive success. It is a story of opportunity and open doors. I find, so far, that I'm not enjoying it quite as much as Barack Obama's book, but I am enjoying it in a different way. I'm just not sure how to talk about that way yet.

And my 15 minutes of journaling is over, so I don't have to figure it out!

Phrases and Conclusions

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Wed, 26 Jun 2019 15:12:00 +0000

Yesterday, I mentioned that one of my personal favorite phrases is this: It is what it is.

Some others don't like it. I've run into an inordinate amount of people with not only an "eh, it's not for me" attitude, but an utter deep-seeded hatred for the phrase.

These people tend to also hate the phrase, "Agree to disagree." But I really like this one, as well.

To me, these phrases are reminders that I have limited control over the world around me and that accepting the things I can't change makes for a smoother life.

For a long time, much longer than I'd like to admit and certainly much longer than was good for me, I believed that acceptance was an odd combination of conceding, giving up, and acknowledging value. I don't believe that anymore, though I'm not sure how to explain what I do believe because in some ways there is an underlying notion that conceding, giving up, and acknowledging value is exactly what I do when I accept something.

But it's different, somehow.

Now, it's more like a concession that the person I'm engaged with in the moment is more important than making sure they know I'm right. It's like giving up on the idea that I have any power over anyone or anything other than myself, and it's an acknowledgement that value is inherent in so many things regardless of whether I agree with an idea.

In reality, it's not always that easy, particularly when it comes to people who are in my daily life, whose lives are intertwined with my own and whose beliefs (and therefore actions) affect me. But I've been learning that setting a personal boundary is different than rejecting a person, just as accepting a person doesn't mean that I have to agree with them.

It really is okay to agree to disagree. It doesn't mean that both beliefs are equally right (although they could be). It just means that both people are equally valuable, and that sometimes (oftentimes) the value of a human is more pressing than ensuring that we're all on the same page with belief.

I think the problem with disagreements come in when we start vilifying those who have a different take on the world - be it politics, religion, lifestyle choices. Regardless of the differences, there's still the basic fact that most people come to their beliefs from an authentic place. Most people believe something to be important and find their own conclusions stemming from this belief. Sometimes, people with vastly different logistics actually believe the same underlying principles.

Quick example: Billy and I have different conclusions about the limits and extensions of free speech. But we both come from a place of inclusivity and valuing the individual.

Oh, well. What can I say, we're each a work in progress.

Now that's a phrase I do actually hate.

Ready for Bed

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Wed, 26 Jun 2019 03:30:00 +0000

This whole journaling thing is still a chore. I remember a time when journaling was my life saver. I was eager to get to the computer lab on campus and type and type and type until there was nothing floating around my head. I can't remember what I wrote about, but I suppose there was a lot going on in my head, if not in my day-to-day. Well, I know there wasn't much in my day-to-day.

The fact is that when I was in college, it was the chillest time in my life. I was busier when I was in high school because the public school system hasn't figured out how to be efficient. I went to school like we all did 7:35-2:40. Band practice was 3:15-5:15 Monday through Thursday. Friday nights were football games and pizza at Mazzio's. Saturdays were contests with 6am start time and midnight returns. Sunday we went to church or occasionally slept in. Monday we started all over again.

I'm exhausted just hearing that.

Today was also exhausting. Not a bad exhausting, just one that is. It is what it is. (Am I the only one that likes this saying? It kind of grounds me. It's a preface to the serenity prayer, which is more helpful than I expected it to be considering how cheesy it also is.)

There are days when I feel alone. Not many people understand the plight of the special needs mom. People don't understand the hours of research and phone calls and driving we do. It's not the typical experience for most people, and I don't expect people to understand, but dang... it would be nice.

Today I didn't feel so alone. In fact, I felt very supported. But I also am tired. I had a 4-hour meeting at ABA about Brian's program, his progress, his deficits. I felt supported that other people see his strengths, but also acknowledge that he's a hard case. By the time we hit the grocery store for fruit and oatmeal and made it home, I was spent. But I couldn't be. I still had work to do. And I opened my computer up to a very nice surprise, honestly.

One of the things I've been working on is a packet for a subsidy increase request. The paralegal in me (at the advice of an attorney) has been dedicating time to detail and thoroughness, and I have felt that it was in vain more than a few times. But today, Brian's doctor sent me a requested letter stating in no uncertain terms that Brian's continued struggles were evident prior to our adoption and that he clearly needs therapeutic levels of intervention. This is a big deal because it can be hard to find a doctor that is willing to put their name on the line to make such definitive statements. But our doctor did it, and it helped me feel supported.

And then I worked. My work is fulfilling. I do a lot of research and writing in my job, and today was no different. It can be tedious. Sometimes the rewards don't come until hours of pouring over medical records, academic studies, and court opinions. Today I read medical reports and summarized them. And I am tired.

But I also had some alone time with Brian and enjoyed watching a show about ... dog shelter makeovers. (what!?!?) It was cute, if not incredibly campy.

So, all in all, it was ... a day. A supported day, a full day, yet ultimately a tiring day.

And so it is... here's to hoping that tomorrow will have the support and the fulfillment. I already know it will be tiring.

The "Always Something" Provides a Day with a Friend

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Fri, 21 Jun 2019 17:04:00 +0000

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to take Ashlyn and a friend to the waterpark down the street from us. It's been a really fun experience to have that so close because (1) Eve works there and can bike to work and (2) we have a membership that allows us to go whenever we want for one low price! That actually is true, even though it also sounds like an advertisement. The park is pretty expensive for a day pass ($50/person). We would absolutely never go if we had to pay. It's just not worth it to pay that much money and then have to stay there all day in order to feel like we got our money's worth. Our lives just don't allow for day-long plans. We are such a play-it-by-ear family, much to my chagrin.

This is life parenting a child with special needs. There is always something. Some emotions to have. Some illness to work around. Some irritability to manage. Some ability limitations. Some kind of "I don't think he can handle that" or "I'm just too tired" to interrupt the plans that we might otherwise make.

And it's hard.

But I'm a parent. I signed up. No, I didn't understand the depths of harm that early trauma and lack of bonding can bring. I went in eye mostly squinted shut. I tried to learn about it. I tried to open my eyes. Yet despite the hours of classes, the countless books, the adoption conferences, the conversations with other moms, the Google searches, I just didn't understand what our child's past would mean for the future of our family. But that is another post.

This is one about my other child. The one who can do homework on her own, who can go to after school activities without running away or having a meltdown, who can maintain relationships.

She can do all these things on her own, and I'm so proud of her. But because she is more able, she gets the short end. She doesn't get the time in the car on the way to the after school activities because there's a tae kwon do place down the street from her school, and she can get herself there. Sure, she'd rather play soccer, but I have to drive her brother to therapy. So, her desires give way to her brother's needs.

Over and over and over.

Her time at a friend's house gets cut short because my schedule is packed with appointments and I know I'll be too tired to pick her up later. Her activity choices are limited because it has to be close enough that she can get there, either on her own or on the way to one of those appointments. Time we find to support her during her math homework is interrupted by her brother's urgent statements about rocks and insistence that someone look up how much a shark tooth necklace costs and crying when he is told "later."

But yesterday was different. Because of pool water or dirty hands or both in combination, Brian had an ear infections this week and was instructed to stay out of pools for the duration. Did it change our plans? Of course, because our plans always change. One adult had to stay home with Brian.

But on the other hand, Ashlyn got to take a friend and spend significantly more time at the park than she would have. And while it's a bummer that we couldn't all go as a family and that Brian and Billy had to miss it, I think for the day, Ashlyn felt like a normal kid in a normal situation that just allowed her to enjoy her uninterrupted time with her friend.

A Look on the Bright Side When Things Feel Really Dark

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Wed, 19 Jun 2019 16:06:00 +0000

I have run into a couple of Facebook posts recently that have both encouraged and challenged me. One friend had her birthday this week and asked that her friend post three things of joy in our lives. Another shared some blessings that resulted from a battle with cancer. They both brought up an interesting response within me.

On the one hand, I started to move on because that's not usually my thing. There have been times in my life where I've intentionally focused on things I'm grateful for, and it often felt fake. I'm prone to pessimism, try as I might to be positive. Attempting to conjure up a list daily of things that I'm thankful for was an intellectual exercise, but rarely an emotional encouragement. Not that my feelings are the true measure of my joy. They aren't. But my point is that in the past it's felt contrived to me. And let's be honest... there's just that part of me that still romanticizes melancholy, a phenomenon which I attribute to my liberal arts education.

On a different hand, I know the value of doing things that I don't feel like doing and the actual (if not temporary) benefits of the old cliche "Fake it til you make it." In truth, there are times when a forced change in perspective is exactly what the prescription should be.

So, in true rebel-bandwagon fashion, I'm going to discuss something I'm grateful for precisely because of the suffering they bring to my life.

Broken A/C

Yes, you read that right. I'm talking no cool air and 90 degree heat. And I'm truly actually legitimately grateful because it gave me the kick in the pants to change my perspective -- to accept the things I cannot change.

When my mom was pregnant with my brother, some Jehovah's Witnesses* came to the door and asked her to tell them something she was thankful for. She replied that she was really grateful for air conditioning, a response to which they seemed disappointed. Perhaps they were looking for the cliche answers of family, friends, and provision of needs. But my mom, being the thoughtful and intentional person that she often was, evaluated her life, considered her current sufferings and gave an actual answer, instead of a trope.

This week, I find myself thankful for air conditioning from a different perspective. Ours broke Monday evening. Yesterday, a tech came out and informed us that the part they needed was on back order and it could be 3 or 4 days before they could fix it. They contacted us last night to say they can come back on Thursday.

In the meantime, we've been attempting to have a good attitude and count our blessings. Last night, I shared with Brian how grateful I am for my job and budgeting skills because we were able to go out and purchase fans at a moment's notice, and not everyone can do this.

Last night, I had my own little hatha yoga studio as I did my ab workout. I never would have done that if my air conditioning were on. But it was ok.

I'm also grateful right now to live in California because, even though we pay through the nose for rent, we also have cool evenings that last well beyond sunrise. So, the heat isn't what it could be for a good part of the day. I'm sitting now in my kitchen quite comfortable with no fan and no air. This would not have happened in Indiana or Alabama. But it happens here.

*They might have been Mormons.

For the Love of Ice Cream

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Wed, 19 Jun 2019 04:53:00 +0000

I'm posting because I want ice cream. A big one that overflows the cup and starts to melt before you can spoon it all up and rein it in. Because it's hot outside, after all. But it's not so hot that the ice cream isn't refreshing enough to make the outdoor dining with its tax-free implications worthwhile.

Did you know that if you take Coldstone to go in California, it's tax free? It is. So, always take it to go. It's way too loud inside anyways. There's the humming of the freezers over the ricochet of voices off the hard floors in the crowded entryway that you squeeze through to get out. But the outside, here at least, is beautiful because this is California.

And by now, it's time to tell you all what in the world my blog has to do with ice cream. Essentially, I'm a child. I'm someone with little internal motivation, low energy, a lack of passion. So, I need a behavior chart. It keeps me on track for things like healthy eating and healthy emotional habits.

It's accessible here for everyone that has a life goal of emulating me. All... none of you?

Regardless, my family is full of diabetics. (No offense, family, but you are.) Thus far, I'm the only one without a diagnosis, which was quite the shocker and quite the ... ahem... external motivation to kick myself into gear a little bit. Out with the sugar. In with the intermittent fasting.

So, if you take a look at that little behavior chart I've made myself, you'll see that journaling for 15 minutes a day is a goal. It's a bonus point that will allow me to attain the mammoth size ice cream once a week, since I'm eating no other refined sugars through the rest of the week. One week, I hope to find myself not even wanting the ice cream, but it hasn't happened in the 3 weeks that I've been working the plan so far. In fact, that creamy sugar goodness is about all that's keeping me going on many days.

But the reward of ice cream isn't the only reward, if I'm honest. (Yes, it's the best one, but not the only one.) There's also the strength that I'm feeling restored as I work out daily. There's the better fitting pants that I have yet to enjoy since I just bought them, having made the mistake of heading to Kohl's first thing one morning about 5 weeks ago.

(Note to self and all other wise women: eat a full day's worth of food before trying on pants. You will live to regret it if you don't.)

There's the feeling of accomplishment as I check off some long-lingering projects both in my personal life and my professional obligations. There's also the peace of mind that comes with mindfulness and scriptural meditation each morning.

But what I haven't had much success with yet, and the thing that has kept me from that Gotta Have It Blueberry Batter with Golden Oreos, has been this assignment from my counselor to journal. Introspection hasn't been my thing lately because there are some heavy things going down around me, and sometimes, it's too much to dig in and really investigate what's underneath my feelings. It just seems like a weight I'd rather not bear. Sometimes, I think it's healthy enough to just try to make it through the day (relatively) unscathed. But it's never quite sustainable. We can only ignore these things for so long.

I've tried to journal, but I've found myself blocked, so I'm opening up this blog. For today. Maybe again tomorrow. Maybe the next day, and maybe it will be a habit for a year. Or maybe after a couple of more superficial posts, I'll be ready to face whatever it is that makes it hard to breathe, and I'll revert back to a private journal because I'm ready to really deal with it all.

Either way, I've earned another checkmark, and I'm that much closer to heaven on Earth.

Love Hurts

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Sat, 24 Jun 2017 07:55:00 +0000

Sometimes
It would be easier to think you never loved me.
To call it a hope, unfulfilled.
A dream, undiscovered.
To say it was a charade that fooled us all -
Even you.
But it's harder than that
Because you love me still.

You love me
With more love than you could ever conjure before.
And it hurts.

It hurts you.
When you give more than you knew you could,
And still I ask,
"Where's mine?"
And so you give again until there's nothing left except a stump to sit on.
And like any tree without its green, you decay.
Your roots crumble.
The ground collapses secretly beneath the rain-packed earth
Until a step -
A single misplaced (perfectly placed?) step.
A gentle step? A lumbering step?
It doesn't matter the step because it is the flooding years that have eroded your resolve.
The surface needs only a rift and then it falls.
And it hurts you.

It hurts you
When you watch me flail and fail
And be human.
To be a selfish human who uses you for my own gain.
To be a selfless human who - try as I may - can never save you.
Can never make you forget your pains and broken limbs.
Can never be the rock in your crashing waves.
Can never quite be satisfied in who you were or who you are or who you're becoming.
So, it hurts you.

It hurts you, and it hurts me.
Oh! How it hurts me.
To see this love be the greatest I will receive
With the best of intentions and the evilest of outcomes
That you will always want to blame on me.
Because it hurts you.

Why Choice isn't a Cop-out

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Wed, 22 Mar 2017 23:31:00 +0000

There are some people who will think this is a post aimed specifically toward them. For those people, I humbly suggest this video. Fact is that this post isn't for anyone, but me, really... as my entire blog always is. If it's interesting to someone else, or causes a reader to think about things in a new way... awesome. But ultimately, this is me talking about my thoughts and my experiences, and my beliefs.

Now that this is out of the way, let me proceed. As any acquaintance of mine knows, I'm rarely happy to stick to the surface of anything. Call me inquisitive, curious, contemplating, a tortured soul. They're all accurate.

Today, and for a few weeks now I've been investigating belief and choices. I've come at this from a few different angles, one of which is in whether or not we can choose what we believe.

I'm a big proponent in general of choice and free agency in life. While I realize that very few things in this world are black/white and that a person's choices will always be affected by their experience, I also believe that we are free to make choices outside of what our feelings and experiences tell us is comfortable.

But today, as I said, I'm thinking specifically about choosing what we believe. As in, refusing to be victims of our culture, our circumstances, and our limited experience when determining those ideas that become central to who we are. Some people think choosing our belief is a cop-out, that we have to talk ourselves into something that doesn't make sense. I say that our lives are too multi-faceted to rule out the need for cognizant choice in basically every part of our existence.

Let me give a scaled-back example of what I'm thinking about.

Mind Set Matters

When Billy and I were first married, he got a job waiting tables at a fancy Italian restaurant. This position required that he carry around a significant amount of paraphernalia in his pockets, among which were a table crumber, a wine screw, a nice pen, and a change purse. He came home late each night, often after closing down the restaurant, and unloaded his pockets in the living room. I woke each morning and moved the pile to the desk next to his sleeping face.

After several days of this silent back and forth, I told him how frustrating it was that he left his stuff everywhere without considering who was going to have to clean it up.

He replied by telling me that he had been emptying his pockets on the end table every night so that he would have a consistent place to put his things without having to wake me up each night clanking around in the dark. He knew that I was lacking sleep, having a newborn to tend to, and he very considerately made his noise outside of my earshot.

I felt like a loser. I had chosen to believe my husband of a year was acting out of careless self interest, and I allowed resentment to grow. Had I taken a little more initiative to consider other interpretations of his actions, perhaps even to assume the best out of him, I still might have talked to him about the situation, but the frustration I harbored would not have had the grip on me that it did.

The mindset we use when faced with an experience matters in what we believe about the situation. And we get to choose that mindset.

Further, this choice of belief is almost always based on a faith in something.

Faith is everywhere

As a Christian, it can be hard to discuss what exactly my belief system is, since it isn't a religion in the typical sense. A religion tends to have a set of tenets and rituals (or behaviors) that must be done (or avoided) in order to adhere to the religion. Christianity has the set of belief tenets, but there are no required rituals and behaviors. So, I tend to veer away from the term religion.

But when people use the term "spiritual," it is understood to be short-hand to designate people who believe in the spiritual nature of humanity, yet do not believe in any one system of belief to be correct. So, even though I personally resonate most with the word, I veer away from the term "spiritual" because of the cultural assumptions linked to it.

Another common way to speak about people in my situation is to speak about the importance of their faith. Again, this is meaningful to me, and I have no personal problem with saying that my faith is important to me. However, I take issue with the concept of some people being "people of faith" as a way to name people who have a particular belief in the presence of a god and a belief in who or what that god is.

The reason that this bothers me is that nearly everyone is a person of faith. Anyone in a relationship practices their faith when they trust their SO to go out and not cheat on them. We can counter that the SO must have proven themselves to be trustworthy, but this doesn't negate the fact that we still put faith in them based on their past actions.

After all, faith need not be baseless and irrational.

We have faith in a chair that has held us up in the past to hold us up again. And so, we sit. We have evidence that it will support our weight based on our experience and our understanding of how a chair was been manufactured. But we must somewhere also realize that it's impossible for us to have full information about whether that chair has suffered any damage between the last time we sat on it.

These daily life examples are minor, but only go to introduce the concept that what we believe about the spiritual world or lack of is also based on faith. Many an atheist base their unbelief in faith that humans can attain a thorough understanding of the world. Every atheist that I've discussed spiritual things with has used science (i.e. observation and interpretation of empirical evidence) as a major reason they don't believe in God. However, there's no empirical evidence that sensory observation and human interpretation of empirical evidence is the best way to determine if there is a God. So, they are putting their faith in human understanding via science as the determining factor of what is believable.

Science-as-ultimate-explanation advocates also put their faith in science as a tool* to eventually figure out what happened at the origins of the universe. Science has not yet allowed us to observe the universe's beginning. It hasn't allowed us to observe whether carbon has always had a consistent half life, and it hasn't allowed us to observe life coming from non-life**. Yet many people put their faith in science as the best way to understand the totality of existence.

Each belief system has its gaps and its evidence

Of course, science (and its close counterpart math) haven't truly allowed us to observe the grandeur and scope of the universe. They are often only used to estimate. These estimations are then used to justify near impossibilities by relying on what Richard Dawkins calls the "magic of large numbers." Given enough time, any statistical impossibility will become possible. And so, we end up with estimations of how many planets there are in order to allow for the presumed evolution of life on some of them. And we end up with an age of the universe based on human calculations, the assumption of consistency, and the question of how long it would have taken for the statistically impossible events to finally happen. And now, just as theists might choose to hide behind the god of the gaps by claiming anything we don't understand can be explained by the idea that God is beyond our understanding, atheists also choose to hide behind the magic of large numbers.

Likewise, most actual belief systems have evidence, as well. Scientists carefully conduct experiments to see if their hypotheses are on the right track. A result will either confirm an idea or take the scientist back to the drawing board looking for a new explanation that fits their sensory observation, set of assumptions, and human understanding. Often, there are explanations that fit. Often, there are explanations that cause scientists to stretch what they previously believed. People with a spiritual creed also have evidence. It is based on science***, as well as reason. For example, we use reason to say that scientists are able to use the assumption of consistency (i.e. a ball dropped on earth will always fall to the ground) because there is something as yet unmeasured that brings consistency into nature. If nature is consistent, this is evidence that there is something bigger than nature putting that limitation on nature. Similarly, we see that humanity has a general desire for love and justice. Since "people of faith"/spiritual people don't start with the assumptions of science, we can open our minds to the possibility that the desire for love and justice come from somewhere outside of humanity.

Everyone is agnostic

Going back to Richard Dawkins... He put out a pretty helpful little system of identifying where we fall on the continuum of theist to atheist. Dawkins himself is not an atheist, but rather what he calls a "de facto atheist," which he defines as not knowing for sure, but thinking God is improbable and living under the assumption that God doesn't exist.

I, on the other hand, fall anywhere from de facto theist to just above a weak atheist, depending on the day's circumstances, including whether I've been able to meet my physical needs, whether I've felt emotionally or intellectually threatened, and whether it's raining. I found the quotes below the chart to be helpful and relate to all of them from Jesus down through Thomas Jefferson.

So, how is it that I can fall on such a large part of the spectrum, including "pure agnostic" and "weak atheist" yet still call myself a Christian and have that belief system affect so deeply my life?

It's because of choice. I have looked at evidence and reasoned that I need not limit my interpretation of the evidence to nature. When I start to limit myself, I make the choice not to. I use my rationale and my free agent status to make a decision for myself rather than be a victim to my circumstances.

Our choices have consequences

I've also weighed the consequences that the beliefs bring with them.

There's no lasting negative consequence to me choosing to believe and living my life as a Christian. The worst that will be is that narrow-minded people will assume I hate the trans community and think women are less valuable than men, simply because of stereotyping. Those people have their own issues, and what they think of me is actually of very little consequence to me, as I find my worth in something higher than them, anyway. Perhaps my moral code will keep me from having sex with as many partners as someone else might, but I fortunately have found so much more purpose to life than collecting sex partners, that this seems more of a positive consequence than a negative one. However, the worst consequence of not believing is significantly deeper and potentially longer lasting.

I often choose based on consequences. I don't speed because accidents and tickets cost too much. I don't drink excessively because I have alcoholism in my family and that is some really serious stuff. So why wouldn't I put the real question of the mysteries of life up against the consequences of the answer?

Can't we all just be a little more generous?

Here's the thing. The TL;DR, if you will.

There are some of us out there that will point fingers and make statements about who the logical people are or aren't. If we want to be honest about it, we all come to our beliefs based on a combination of experience, faith, and choice.

To pit people in one camp as the rational ones and people in the other camp as the blind faith ones is uncharitable. (I hear this division from people all along the theist/atheist spectrum.) To further insist that one side has all the evidence and there's no choice involved regarding what assumptions we start with, how we interpret evidence, and which belief we ultimately end up at is disingenuous.

*Science is a tool. It is not a cause for anything or an explanation for anything. This is a pet peeve of mine, as there's a meme going around that goes like this: "Why? Because... science!" It's a joke, of course, mocking that people actually try to use science as a reason for things being the way they are, when in reality, science is a tool that helps us understand nature and nothing else.

**It's important to read articles about science with a critical eye and not just read the headline. Many articles will claim a scientific discovery has been made only to explain that no such discovery has actually been made. In reality, it was only an experiment that was performed producing a result that was about 3,000 degrees removed from the claim in the headline.

***In my 38 years of knowing Christians and other people with a spiritual creed, I have only met 1 person that saw a problem with belief in God and science working together. My experience has shown that people use science as a reason to not believe in God but that people do not use God as a reason to not study science. It's important to note that Christian science lovers will come to empirical evidence with a different assumption, which is namely that we do not believe that we must limit all explanations to those of an empirical nature. But Christians don't, in general, run away from science as if it were a threat to their faith.

My Open Letter to Dave Thomas

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Mon, 29 Feb 2016 19:08:00 +0000

Dear Dave Thomas, Founder of Wendy's:

You could have never known when you opened your restaurant decades ago that one day, you would make me the happiest lady in Dublin with just a simple menu addition. I suppose you will still never know because 1) you are dead and 2) due to #1, you will never see this. Unless my theology is all wrong and you are actually sitting on a cloud with a harp looking down at the earth watching people enjoy your food. Then, perhaps you already know this because maybe you happened to be tuned in to my local Wendy's last Saturday at lunch time.

How does that work? Do you rotate through the restaurants to see people enjoying your food across the US, or do you just kind of go, "Oh, it's been a while since I honed in on Dublin, CA. I should see what they're up to," the same way I do with my facebook friends whom I've hidden from my feed? (Did you see that elegant use of "whom"? Not to brag or anything, but I did happen to use it correctly, and imho, non-pretentiously. Does my boasting about my non-pretentiousness counteract that?)

Regardless, I'll save my theological musings for another day, although perhaps someone in your fine organization is an angel for coming up with the new 4 for $4 meal deal, which I can't help but think was devised because someone's hand was super glued to the 4 key of their computer. (You know you're looking at your keyboard now and realizing that you can type "4 for $4" without moving your finger as long as you ghettofy it and substitute 4 in place of for, which I personally would never do, even for the sake of example.)

Anyway... your successors to the Wendy's throne are benevolent. They've understood that the big question I face when I go to Wendy's is whether I want to commit to an Old-Fashioned Hamburger or a set of chicken nuggets that is of slightly higher quality than Tyson's. This used to not be an issue for me. I was content to pack on the pounds in middle school with a thrice weekly chicken nugget kid's meal, complete with fries and a Frosty. This cost $2.32 back in the day. I would tell you to ask me how I know that, but I think you are probably smart enough to realize that someone who literally ate that 3x a week for 2 years will come to memorize the price and be particularly defeated on the day when she ordered the same meal for her children only to be told it was more than twice that price. And just in case you weren't smart enough to realize that, refer to previous sentence for the answer to the question of how I knew that.

These days, I've developed a penchant for bacon cheeseburgers, much to my chagrin, as I am typically disgusted by the thought of eating pigs. So, when I go to Wendy's or anywhere really, it's hard to make up my mind. It's rough, the life I live.

But alas, Dave.... in your finite wisdom and understanding, you set in motion a lineage that had me, your faithful customer, in mind and they have come up with the 4 for $4 deal, which allows me all the choices I can never choose between in one complete, cheap package. A Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger, a 4-piece Chicken Nugget, a Small Fry, and a drink (which can upgrade to a Frosty with no extra charge, what!).

So, I thank you, dearly departed Dave. For you not only educated the country on the value of adoption, but you started the fast food chain that is least likely to make me regret all my decisions for the 4 hours following my meal.

You, sir, deserve more than I can give for what you've given me. Although I suppose the fact that I have had to work consistently for the last 20 years to keep off all the weight I put on from your meals probably makes us about even.

Enjoy your cloud!

Why I've Abandoned Goals - At Least for Now

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Mon, 24 Aug 2015 15:46:00 +0000

I've posted a couple of things on facebook recently about goals. But because I more recently deactivated my account, I can't access them. Story of my life.

Well, here's the thing. I think on the surface the two things seem contrary. One is an encouragement to shift goals to something that makes a good story. Something along the lines of "if a movie were made from your pursuit of your goals, and it wouldn't make for a compelling movie, change your goals." The other quote was a bit different. More like "don't let goals take the place of relationships."

Maybe in reality, these two things are the same. After all, the stories that we all love are the ones that are relationship-driven, aren't they? But I'm not really here to talk about relationships.

I'm here to talk about guilt.

And the fact that, lately, my goals have been nothing more than a source of it.

I think goals can be a good thing. They bring focus. They bring a sense of accomplishment. They force us to state our priorities in a tangible way. But goals in the wrong context also brings stress, anxiety, overbearing emotional weight. And for me, right now, it's the wrong context for goals.

We recently moved across the country, and I went from full-speed-ahead preparation mode to trying to settle into this new town, new lifestyle, new (small) apartment with children underfoot 24/7. I'm not complaining about being a mom here (I do that plenty, just not here). I'm simply saying that my life for the last 4 months has been full of goals. Full of deadlines. Full of tension, stress, worry, tears.

And school starts in 2 days.

Right now, I am questioning how in the world I ever homeschooled children. It seems an impossible task. And this is how I know that right now, my goals will take a backseat to breathing. I am not shifting my goals from moving tasks to relationship building. I am completely 100% letting go of goals and feeling amazing over it.

This doesn't mean that I don't still have priorities. It means that I am saving up my energies so that when kids come home from school and Billy comes home from work, I can be happy about it, rather than miffed that I "accomplished" all day and haven't had a spare moment. It means I am good with the idea of caring for myself emotionally and physically without making it a measurable item on a list.

It means, most of all, that I just want a little time to simply live and not always do.

The Post in which I Detail the Intricacies of Finding Housing in the San Francisco Bay Area

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Fri, 15 May 2015 03:22:00 +0000

Just to start off, this is not a post about finding housing in San Francisco proper. I have some advice about that, but what it boils down to is this: Have a crap ton of money. Live somewhere.

This is a post about finding housing in the Bay Area. Because we ruled SF out pretty darn quick considering the costs and our preferred lifestyle. Which, really, is all that it takes to find housing where you want to be.

Basically, there are several factors to consider, and you want to understand how they fit into your situation, prioritize those for yourself and then the options get really narrow. Here's my list of factors that we weighed when finding our apartment.

1. Budget

2. Safety

3. School Ratings (and its subset "school guarantee")

4. Demographics (including race, economic, and subculture)

5. Yards

6. Transit Time

7. Weather

8. Types of Activities (sports, arts, etc.)

Let me break down how each of these things can factor in.

Budget

For us, the number 1 priority was budget. We are dedicated to a no-debt lifestyle, so we absolutely had to find a place that allowed us to easily pay for all the necessities, as well as invest for our future so that we can maintain a debt-free lifestyle when we are old and grey. Once we found our per-month number (along with our minimum bedrooms we were willing to have), our Craigslist results plummeted. It all but ruled out Alameda and Berkeley, which was disappointing, but so be it. Time to sift through our other factors.

Safety

We currently live in the high-end ghetto of our city. It was a choice that we made and we knew what we were doing. Still, it hasn't been easy to live in a neighborhood where you're not necessarily shocked that a murder happened down the street.

Moving to the Bay Area is a different ballgame, though. There's like... real crime there. I was a lot more hesitant to move into a location in a shady part. Plus, the reasons we moved into our current neighborhood just don't apply to our family situation anymore. So, we decided to avoid the red areas on the Trulia crime map. Basically, we are now avoiding Oakland down until you reach San Leandro.

Demographics

As a multi-cultural family, we are ardently opposed to living in a homogeneous town, particularly when the majority race is white. I was more willing to keep looking at places that have a majority of Hispanic or Asian, although diversity was still my priority. What I really was looking for was a place that had a population of each of the cultures that are represented in our family. Asians are much more abundant in California than Alabama, but African-Americans are much more of a minority. So, I was looking for a town that had a reasonable amount of blacks. Berkeley had the highest percentage at 9% (Huntsville is around 30%), but it was already ruled out due to price. Racial demographics also ruled out places like Pleasanton (60% white; 2% black), Walnut Creek (which, let's be honest... was really ruled out because of its Little House on the Prarie sounding name), and South San Francisco (only 1% black).

School Rating (and its subset "School Guarantee")

Another high priority for us was that our kids be in resourced schools with an environment of academic success. What this translates into is that we wanted a school with at least a 7 on Great Schools, which is based on testing. But we also wanted to be seeing good reviews that talked about parental involvement and a partnership mentality among the staff.

This kind of thing used to not be important to us because we homeschooled, but now that we have our kids in schools and have seen what the low scoring schools are like compared to our kids' magnet school (which scores high), we definitely know what we're looking for in schools.

The requirement of a 7 school ruled out the rest of the East Bay coast cities, such as San Leandro and Hayward, as well as the towns north of Berkeley. We were left with Castro Valley and the end-of-the BART line town Dublin.

Daly City (a town very close to SF) was eliminated through demographics, but also I think it's important to note that their school assignment process is something that I have not come across before because if Daly City had the demographics we wanted, we would have ruled it out quickly due to this process. Turns out that the high school district is huge and there are no assigned school. It is a first-come, first serve system, and our 7-rated high school in Daly City was already full for next year. The district had some other good schools, but they were far away from where we were looking. Schools that were closer were not well-rated by tests or the community reviews. Unfortunately, we wouldn't know what school our daughter could go to until we had a signed lease and applied. This was too much uncertainty for me, so I crossed Daly City off the list for good. Some places have more structure to their school assignments and some are purely based on applications and luck of the draw. So, if schools are important, it's worth finding out how schools are assigned.

Transit Time

It got a little frustrating to see how far away our viable options were. Dublin, for example, is a 45-minute BART ride. With 3 kids to care for, it was hard for me to think about being on my own for the full work day plus commute, but it turns out that Dublin's position on the end of the line may actually allow for less time away from home because Billy's job is such that he is not required to be in the office certain hours. Getting on the train first guarantees him a seat where he can open up his laptop and work for 45 minutes; whereas, a 20-minute ride would essentially be wasted time standing up not working. For someone who is required to punch the clock at for a certain number of hours, this might not work as well, and the shorter commute time might be important, but for us, it wasn't.

What was important regarding the commute, though, was that Billy be able to bike reasonably to the BART station. That means that we really had to stay on the BART line and didn't have the freedom to go off too far to the side... places like San Ramon were ticked off the list (not sure if that would have still been on there with the other factors or not, but it's definitely too far from the train).

Yards

Yet another thing to think about is how important a yard is. Part of me wanted to live in more of a city setting. That's my personal preference for myself. But I also have little kids to think about, and truly my own sanity with said kids. I knew that we would need a place to run around, so I was limiting my search to places that at least had a park or school yard within a child's walking distance.

Weather

I never actually considered that I'd need to think about weather when I'm comparing cities all within an hour's drive of each other. But I've learned that the Bay Area has pockets of weather and the difference between the peninsula and East Bay can be huge. Ultimately, for us, weather wasn't such a big deal. It was truly low on our priority list. But I am happy that our final decision puts us in the warmest of all the cities. I have lived my whole life (as long as I can remember, anyway) living where 95 degrees is a normal summer temperature. And I was having a hard time thinking that I might live somewhere that barely breaks 70 at its hottest. I don't even know how people swim in that weather!

Fortunately, just a quick jaunt away from SF, you can find 80 degree summers, and I'm thrilled that our apartment has a pool.

Types of Activities

The last consideration was what kind of activities were important to us and how important those were. We are an art family. I think we all know that families usually choose... it's either sports or arts. I've rarely met the family that can find it in themselves to commit to both.

Part of the lure of San Francisco is the art culture, and I have to say, I was pretty bummed for a while that all the signs were pointing toward living further rather than closer, but in the end, we decided that our kids will have good opportunities to pursue arts through the schools, and SF isn't too far away, so we will just have to make a point to take a family outing every so often.

Spinning through the Mud of my Mind

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Mon, 04 May 2015 14:30:00 +0000

It's 9:18, and I'm an hour ahead of schedule. Not that there aren't a million other things that could go into that slot, but with the sheer volume of to-do's, I just need to decompress and let myself rest.

I'm telling myself that I need to go shower and then start packing again, filling every little minute of time into this whole move-across-the-country thing. And I guess I will soon enough. But right now, I want to sit and think. Maybe it's not the right decision because, sometimes, sitting and thinking only makes things worse. But other times, it helps me move forward. I guess we'll see where it takes me today.

I'm tired.

I've been waking up at 5:30am for the last few weeks. I guess it's the changing season and the early rising of the sun. A hint of light slides through the window covering and my mind takes its queue that this is when we wake. Instantly, the lists flood my head... the things I've forgotten to write down, the deadlines that are soon approaching and still not accommodated. It's a lot.

Especially for a perfectionist. I've tried - trust me - to let go of that. It's like telling someone to just stop smoking. Possible? Sure. Easy? No. A life-long battle? Absolutely.

Normally, writing things down helps. It helps to get things out of my head and not have to keep track anymore. And that's still true. But writing it down also solidifies it. It's a quick, one-stop spot for the overwhelming amount of tasks on the plate.

And for some reason, my head feels cloudy. Perhaps a little sludgy. I can feel it when I try to think about moving on and accomplishing something to cross off the list. It's like the gears in my brain are spinning through mud.

The worst thing is actually when I do a task only to have to add another task onto the list because of it. Like the phone call I made today (which was actually the 3rd one to AT&T just so we can have fiber optic internet) that led to another phone call that I have to place after 11am, which will likely still not resolve the problem. All for internet service?

My $29 Food Stamps Menu

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Sun, 19 Apr 2015 17:53:00 +0000

So... I've seen some things about Gwyneth Paltrow and how she failed at the Food Stamp challenge. I needed a little diversion, so I used Walmart's new online ordering page to make my own $29 menu.

There are a couple of caveats, of course. First of all, Alabama's average payout is $29.66, and the average in the US is actually $30.71, according to KFF.org. So, I'm shooting for the Alabama amounts because I have to pick a zip code for the Walmart prices and I have information about Alabama's sales tax (and yes, it does apply to food).

Next, there's the idea that lots of people on food stamps are not cooking for 1. And I think we all know how difficult it is to cook for 1 on a budget, mainly because the most budget friendly meals are ones that you make with ingredients and you often need to buy in larger portions. For example, I did my weekly shopping today and spent $126, which is just $11 over the average payout for a family of 4. We'll have a different meal every night. But when you want to cook for one, you often have to choose between eating the same thing every single day or going over budget. Since going over budget isn't an option for food stamp recipients, there will be a lot of repetition in our menu here.

To me, this isn't really that big of a problem. I mean, if I were literally depending on the government for my groceries, then I think lack of variety in my foods would be the least of my worries. However, I decided that I do like variety, and I would try to find ways to add in some options.

Another issue that comes when you're talking about families is that while kids are in school, the children are given a free meal (or two if the school provides breakfast, which many do) every week day. So, when you talk about the per person rates, these really are not intended to cover for every single meal unless you're talking about individual adults.

Limited to $29.66, it's hard to get a balance of healthy and cheap. So, what I ended up with is certainly not an ideal diet that we should all follow.

Fortunately, though, there is pretty much no one in the country that is completely dependent on food stamps. There are churches on every corner in America, and they pretty much all have resources for people who are hungry. In all actuality, as soon as someone moves from 1 person of food stamps, I would suggest an organization like One Harvest. They have great prices and good quality foods.

My last disclaimer is that this list is based on a zero-pantry starting point. The next week, however, I wouldn't have to buy bread or peanut butter, so I could add something different in... maybe some tuna, for example.

Regardless, here's my list of food, which adds up to $27.83 (I'm not sure if states are allowed to charge sales tax on food stamps, so for those states that charge sales tax, this could be problematic. Huntsville's sales tax would take this up another $2.50, putting the total at $30.33. I will readily admit that I am having trouble getting it down below that, but I'm also having trouble believing that a person couldn't scrounge up 67 cents a week just by asking the person behind them in line if they had any change. So, we'll call that one even.)

Mahatma Long Grain Rice and Beans w/ Seasoning (2) - 3.28
Weight Watchers Smart Ones Classics (7) - 13.16
1/2 Gallon 2% Milk (1) - 1.88
Frozen Mixed Veggies 32 oz. (1) - 1.98
Bananas (2 lbs) - 1.04
Imperial Margarine (1 lb) - 0.68
Smucker's Natural PB (1) - 2.78
Eggs (1 dozen) - $1.55
Whole Wheat bread (16oz) - $1.48

Here's what a typical day will look like for this person:

Breakfast:
2 eggs scrambled - made with margarine
1 piece of toast with margarine and peanut butter
1 cup milk

Lunch:
Beans, Rice, and mixed veggies
Water

Snack:
Banana

Dinner:
Healthy Choice meal - one of several varieties
Water

Nutritional Info
Calories: 1221
Carbs: 175g
Protein: 64g
Fat: 37g
Fiber: 18g

So, as you can see...

Yes, it's boring; yes, I will be hungry if I eat this and only this; no, it's not the perfect healthy menu, but still it's doable.

My 3 Things

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Wed, 15 Apr 2015 18:24:00 +0000

A couple of weeks ago, my good friend Kara wrote about 5 things that are super meaningful to her. It was at a time when we were just finding out the details of moving to San Francisco, and I knew for sure that I would be going through all my possessions to decide what truly mattered enough to move them across the country.

I was later challenged by a friend as to why we don't just sell everything and start fresh, and I spent a lot of time mulling it over. As many of you know, I'm pretty passionate about simplicity.... I even used to write for the 100 Thing Challenge blog about how fleeting our stuff is and how much deeper meaning we find when we let go of material possessions in order to focus on the lasting impact our lives can make. So, it was a little strange to find myself wrestling so intensely with the concept of that release.

When it comes down to it, I found there were really only a handful of things that I feel deeply connected to. Sure, we'll still keep some of our stuff when we move... mostly because it just takes too much time and energy to start fresh and because the one most meaningful possession that I have isn't something that I can just replace.

1. My piano

There's a story behind this piano. And perhaps if I didn't use it daily, I could get over the story and move away from keeping a large item simply for sentimental purposes. But the truth is that this piano was meaningful to my mom and it was important to her that one of her children play piano. Fortunately for me, I was the youngest, and therefore, it fell on me after the other two kids wanted to stop taking lessons. I learned to play the piano on this instrument - one that she prayed for as a young mom. Many hours of my young life were seated here with fingers gliding, stumbling, sometimes running across the solid, heavy keys. I learned the famous classical pieces, which I rarely play these days. These days, it's the songs that I wish I'd written - Rich Mullins, Sarah McLachlan, Ben Folds, even Jimmy Eats World... acoustic versions of whatever song pulls on my emotions allowing me a retreat from the stress of existence. I can undoubtedly say that this piano is the sole reason that we are hiring a moving company to go ahead and ship some of our belongings instead of starting from scratch. Smaller things can be mailed. Everything else can be replaced, but there is no substitute for this piano.

2. My pictures

Another, much smaller item that is significant to me is the photo album of my wedding and anniversary photos. Somewhere we might have backups, but if we do, it was at least 3 computers ago, and who knows if they're stuck on the hard drive that I didn't get to clean off before our last machine bit the dust. So, these pictures by Jordan Barclay are incredibly meaningful to me.

3. This portrait

I'm a word person. But sometimes, words aren't enough to really express something. When The Passion of the Christ first came out, it was a burden on my heart. There were a lot of thoughts that went through my mind.... a lot of pain and a lot of gratefulness. And try as I may I couldn't craft a response that did justice for the layers of contemplation happening within me. So, I busted out (and dusted off) the art supplies to create this contour drawing of Jesus. I look at it and remember that there's a God that loves me enough to suffer for my sake, and also that somewhere underneath all the momhood, there's an artist in me.