Michael Collado's blog

Beginnings of nothing

2011-06-18T16:20:00.001-04:00

The most difficult part about having a blog that's incredibly not anonymous — especially now that I have actual, real life friends reading my inner-most ridiculously stupid thoughts — is...

Well, for one a pain in my ass because Blogger fucked the shit out of my layout. But that's okay. It sucked before and it sucks now, too. I went to click on something to edit coding and poof, gone. It's all good.

Second is me saying stuff I want to do but don't think I'll ever get around to actually doing.

Last year I wanted to NaNoWriMo because... well, because I can. I want to do the same this year. But see the problem is that I don't think I'll ever get around to actually writing anything. I didn't last year, why should this year be any different? Exactly. It shouldn't.

And it probably won't be.

Last year, I came up with the following ideas (posted below as the beginning of what could come) for stories I would like to write. And although (I think) sharing your writing is the most vulnerable a person can be (besides naked on a highway, or naked while someone is stabbing you... I can't be the only one who thinks getting shot or shanked would somehow hurt more if you were in the buff, right? It's a stupid thing to think, but I do), I suppose I'm ready for the entire world to see stuff I drafted almost a year ago.

Idea #1 CODENAME: "Blackout" — I want to let the excerpts I'm about to post speak for themselves, so I will. Here's idea number one (about twice as long as the second idea):

December 25^th, 2010; 2:17AM

            The white mist of her breath illuminated the scene: darkness, the yellow of the sand highlighted by the florescence of the decorative lights, not another lively being for more than a few dozen yards, and below the crescent moon—there, limp on the shore, the body of Alice Jones. Her right arm stretched above her head, intertwined with the grittiness of her blonde hair. In this light, it seemed dirtier, dingier… much more agreeable with her finality. Her left arm hugged at her stomach, caressing the fabric of her dress. It was as blue as the morning sky, perhaps originally darker, now paled by the salts of the ocean. It was short yet adequate, promiscuous yet classy. But mostly it was out-of-place in the chilled air of the early winter.

           “It’s a damn shame,” Val let out a sigh and another formation of mist escaped her mouth and so she licked her lips ever so softly in hopes they would keep them warm. The red and blue from the police siren hid half her face in shadow. She tilted her head to the left, looking at the teenage couple huddled together. Her mascara fell from her eyes and dripped down the bones of her cheeks, each tear less black than the last; his face was full of shock, mouth wide open, and a full arm around her back soothing her right shoulder. What was it about death that made people get all too emotional? Surely, Val wasn’t happy to see Alice as just another victim strewn on the sand, but to her she was just another victim. Another body. Emotion, sure. Tears, no.

            “I know. It is,” and just like that, Val returned from thought. “They found her about fifteen minutes ago. Called us,” Manny reassured her. Val turned to him and then went back to glance at the couple.

“What were they doing out here?” she asked looking around, finally spotting the holiday party taking place in the distance. “Oh. Okay well, I’m going to need their statements, Sancho.”

            “For the last time, my name is Sanchez and you’re not Don Quixote.”

            “But if I was, you’d be Sancho.”

“If you were, you’d be crazy. Hell, you're already crazy," Sanchez clamored as he lugged himself across the sand towards the police car and closer to the witnesses. Val watched as he talked to the young couple. She watched as the young girl welled up over and over, sobs escaping from her mouth, and wondered if perhaps there was a close relation to the victim and the witness.

            Sanchez finished with the young couple and made his way towards Val who was hovered over the young girl’s body. He rubbed his hands together and exhaled just enough for it to materialize in the chilled air of the winter.

           “What they say?” she asked.

           “Nothing—nothing, they were walking down the beach to be…alone…from the party and….” every sound allowing more breath to escape and more mist to materialize, “well, they found her. Speaking of, who is ‘her?’” His chin moved ever so slightly in the girl’s direction. Her face was pale, her eyes were closed, sunken, her lips were chapped, and her hair was wet and her skin had grown rugged from drying. But just three months ago, her cheeks were rosy and her vessel full of life.

September 28^th, 2010; 3:14PM

            Alice stared lazily at the clock and with each passing second grew a sense of freedom. She began to remember all the terrible things students wrote on Mr. Steinhardt’s faculty evaluation, as she did every Tuesday and Thursday at this time, and as always regretted ever taking the plunge and signing up for a class with him anyway.

            He wasn’t a terrible teacher. He wasn’t even a terrible person. He was just, well, lacking of personality and yet never lacking anything to say, like now. Class lets out at 3:15 and, even though it was thirty seconds until then, Steinhardt felt the need to take up every last moment. As if no one in class knew the difference between—wait, what is he saying again?

          Alice jerked her entire body upward and sat straight, hoping no one saw her embarrassing realization that she was close to dozing off. She looked around and noticed she wasn’t in the minority. All around, students’ eyes were partly opened or not open at all and the rest of the students were packing up, ready to dash.

            “…those are the elements of a classical argument essay. Any questions?” Steinhardt’s voice crept back into her mind, it echoed and dragged and needled with every syllable. No questions, no questions, no freakin’ questions! Alice pled with everyone in class. If a question was asked, it would only prolong the class after the allotted hour and fifteen minutes and she couldn’t take another nanosecond of being stuck in what was her prison twice a week.

            Thankfully, everyone else felt the same.

            “Well, then. You’re free to go.” Bodies shuffled, bags made noises, and the door flew wide open. Just like that, people went from inexplicably tired to extraordinarily awake… as usual. And when Alice walked through the threshold, there was Sam.

            “Wow. Look at that!” Sam was sitting on the top of one of the tables placed outside of the classrooms. He looked over at his watch, “a whole one second early.”

            Alice cracked a smile, “very funny. Keep it down, he’s still inside.”

            “So? He doesn’t know me.”

            “Yeah, but he knows me. It’s me that I care about.”

            “Regardless, I am happy you got out early. But you really should have taken English with my teacher.” Sam tilted his head ever so slightly and shrugged his shoulders just a tad. His eyebrows lifted and his eyes closed. “She’s pretty great.”

So that's the first one.

Idea #2 CODENAME: "I don't know what's happening to me" — Like Shakespeare, I title stuff with the first line from the actual text:

  “I don’t know what’s happening to me.” Donna’s speech was becoming less clear and with each passing word a stutter was beginning to form. Her inhales were overpowering her words and with every breath her eyes welled deeper. She brought her hands up to her eyes and wiped any water pouring from her lids. She dug at the corners and the pinkness from her sockets was in full view. “I don’t—I don’t know how… to… explain it. It’s freaking me out.”

            Drake just stared. It’s not like he understood what was happening to her, much less would he be able to explain it in actual words. He had just seen his best friend survive outside during daylight. The beams from the sun should have torn through her skin, her flesh should have melted with every ongoing second, her body should have charcoaled, and eventually she should have just caught on fire. The life should have escaped from her body. She should have been dead.

            Instead, there she was: tears streaming from her face, tremors rumbling through her body, and between them, a million unanswered questions.

            “I don’t know what’s happening, either.” Drake’s voice was more confident but not by much. His eyebrows furrowed and his nostrils flared; he wasn’t breathing through his nose, though. His inhales were audible and every few seconds he would take another anxious gulp. His voice became almost a whisper. “How did you discover this?”

            Donna looked around. The sun was about to set and soon enough, it wouldn’t be safe to talk anymore. A word about her new… let’s call them abilities… and every single person would want to know. They would want her to show them her gift. They would study her and put her away in some government facility and they would never let her out.

            Or would they kill her? Would they stake her? Would they burn her and rip off her head? It wasn’t a risk she was willing to take.

            “It’s almost sundown. I can’t. Not now.”

            “Don—!”

            “No. I think I hear my parents rustling. You should go: they shouldn’t see you here when they get up.”

            “Okay. But this conversation is not over.”

I don't know exactly what I'm trying to accomplish by publicizing them. Perhaps if other people know about what I'm doing that will actually give me drive. I tend to not tell anyone something unless it's concrete.

This could be that kick in the pants for me.

Or these stories could just die here, fade into oblivion, and be done with, never to have a plot. And I guess I'm okay with that, too.

Campaign 2011: Don't Text And Talk

2011-05-29T23:04:00.059-04:00

It's too bad Oprah's gone off the airwaves. Much like her No Texting Zone (or whatever it was called) campaign, we need her charisma for an even more honorable cause.

Texting and talking. Or rather, to not text and talk. Which isn't so hard because the worst part about texting and talking is that the person on the other end is doing just that. NOT TALKING.

I used to scoff at those ABC Family and The CW shows that would portray stuck up, teenage, bitchy cheerleader types who would click away at their phones while their mom was trying to speak to them.

"Well, Adrianna, I'm going to pick you up from school and... Adrianna, are you listening?"

"Wait, mom," yes she would say it like that, as if her mom disgusted her like a parasite because that's how all teenagers are... like, duh, get a clue LOSER, "I'm getting a text from Luke — he's like the captain of the football team and all the girls wanna bang him and I'm gonna have unprotected sex with him so that he can notice me while also getting pregnant because I'm in a pact with four other girls to do so and don't worry, I've done this like dozens of times before, MOM."

"Sweetie, you're on that phone all the time. Can't you just pay attention to me for one second?"

"Okay, what is it mom!!!!"

"I'm going to pick you up after school so that we can—"

"UGH!!! ARE YOU KIDDING!? I can't be seen with you, you're my MOM."

"I suppose you can drive yourself to the mall to get that dress for prom."

"YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE, MOM."

(I also never got why kids in shows were so afraid of being seen with their parents. I know absolutely no one that cares if anyone sees them with their parents and never have. In fact, most people love it when their friends have friendly relationships with their parents. But that's probably for another post.)

The thing I hate the most about that portrayal, besides how stuck up the "teens" look, is how they reimagine someone that's distracted from the conversation by their phone. There's someone I know, [REDACTED], who won't give me the time of day when I'm speaking to... them* (*Yes, "them" is grammatically incorrect, go with it) and they're on their phone. It usually goes something like:

"So, I was talking to a friend of mine about show ideas. What's a good idea for a show?"

*Silence*

"Hello? Are you listening?"

"Yeah, I'm listening."

"So why didn't you respond?"

*Silence*

"Are you listening? What am I saying!?"

"Yeah... listening... uh, you said... what?"

-_- "I was saying that a friend and I were coming up with show ideas. What's a good idea for a show? Obviously it would be a funny show, but about what?" *Realizes they're not paying attention again* "And again you're not listening, by the way I'm a stripper, I part-time at Bottoms Up on Thursdays for their Tranny Thursday Happy Hour, which is really just sad so Happy Hour is ironic, and... I also... sodomzied your mother, which is my mother (** OH SHIT DID I GIVE AWAY THE ANONYMOUS PERSON HERE???) so that was a little weird, and then the cops from Law & Order: SVU came to bust me, and I was like DUN DUN in the Law & Order tone, but it's okay because Lolita from Bottoms Up Tranny Thursday came to bail me out, but then it turned out that she wasn't a he at all and the whole crew was like 'What? Pero que es esto?' she's been a she this whole time, just with large hands and a deep voice and a driveled up vagina because who would hit that, you know?"

"Wait, wait, wait a minute. Who's a stripper?"

So I'm going to need Oprah to make a one hour special on ABC at 10pm on Sunday and talk about the disasters of texting and talking, or rather NOT talking. Because I'm kind of pissed. Next time I'll just text [REDACTED] from across the dining room table.

Hello, I must be going. And other awkward greetings (including the handslide).

2011-05-02T22:56:00.070-04:00

I think it was Ellen DeGeneres who on her show, aptly titled The Ellen [DeGeneres] Show, had a wheel that she spun just before her next guest came out to greet her. The wheel would stop on any random greeting — a hug, a kiss on the cheek, a handshake, a wave — and she and the guest would perform that as their greeting.

I so wish now that wheel was patented and sold. We need it for real life.

The other day I saw someone that I haven't seen in person for several years. Our initial greeting was good enough: Hello. Kiss on cheek. Hug that lasted for several seconds. That's usually how things go when you haven't seen someone in a while, you just have to smell their BO and share beads of sweat with each other. Whatever, society came up with that rule. Not me. But our goodbye was a little... iffy.

She came in for a kiss on the cheek, I complied, but then she also pulled in for a hug. But by the time I noticed this, I was already pulling away from the kiss. What resulted was the weirdest half of a second I've had in some time (HA! You thought I was gonna say "ever." Yeah, no...). Her arm was already behind me and I could feel a bit of hesitation when I was pulling away from the friction of her pulling me in for that split second. But it was over. Our goodbye would be settled with just a kiss on the cheek and nothing more.

I quickly told my sister who advised me to give her a hug before she left. Yeah... right. I did however have a more awkward non-encounter. Her husband, whom I also haven't seen in some time, visited but I didn't even notice him and neither said hi nor bye. So to him, I genuinely apologize. Though, I mean, if you visit my house: you should make the effort. I'm just saying.

Unfortunately for me, the awkward greetings continue. There are several (extensions of my) family members whom I see on a daily basis, or even once in a while, in which I don't know how to say hello to. I have this rule that if I see you every day, do I really need to greet you? I never give my mom or my sister a formal greeting. I say hello to them when I see them that day, or good morning, or good whatever even though we've had a total shit day but that's about it. I can't just be hugging and kissing people all the time. I suppose that's why they come up to me at random times and want me to hug them. (Seriously. As I was writing this post my mom came up to me with some story about AT&T Uverse and then wouldn't leave until I hugged her. She settled for pinching my cheeks and walked away.)

But anyway, these family members and I never greet each other. We just look at each other and say "hi." And I notice that's only true for me, with everyone else they shake their hands or hug them or whatever else.

And just this weekend I had an encounter with a family member. We have an unspoken understanding: our greeting is a handshake. Fine. I'm actually really okay with that. I don't like these weird handshake diddlies that the kids with their rocking and rolling and the hippity and the hoppity do that's like a slap and then your hands sort of slide apart and then your fingers curve to hold on to each other a bit longer. Also since I never care to know when to cut my nails I usually end up scratching the hell out of someone during that process. So, this family member and I usually handshake. But when we saw each other it seemed like he wanted to do a handshake/hug combo. That's actually more like when you do the handslide and while holding hands you come a little close and pat each other on the back.

Nope. He gestured both arms and made a semicircle. He was coming in for a full-on, fully-blown hug. A HUG? Man, and I thought that other half of a second was weird. So we hugged for that split second and I patted him twice.

But unfortunately, the awkward greetings will never end. I have a cousin that greets me with a high-five... so I'm pretty sure I have the problem here but I refuse to believe that.

[Completely off-topic: Well for one, sorry this is so lengthy! And second: I feel like renaming my blog. And that is all.]

Are you 'Should'ing me?

2011-04-09T11:54:00.000-04:00

I love playing games. Board games, that is, like Taboo or Charades... wait, come to think of it, none of those have boards in them. Are they even board games? Well, regardless, I like games with boards, too. Scarbble, and Monopoly, and the like. Card games, also! Though I will never be good at Spoons.

But playing games with people that don't have boards, or official rules, or wasn't made by some toy company is not my thing. I don't like when people say I "should" do something instead of asking me straight out. "Oh, Michael, you should take out the trash."

Well, yeah, of course I should, everyone should do a lot of things. Teenage girls should stop crying that Jacob Black will never marry them. The US military should be able to find Osama bin Laden. Murderers should... y'know, like, stop killing people or whatever. So maybe you should ask me a question because there ain't one there. Nope, I am not a fan of what I like to call The Should Game.

A more appropriate way to tell me what I should do is: "Michael, may you please take out the trash?" And let's be honest, you're not even gonna say "please." I'd rather you yell at me then "should" me.

But that's just one of the many games that people play that I just do not understand. For example, have you ever played The Losing Game? The Losing Game is quite popular right after a natural disaster has occurred of some sort. Let's say that a hurricane has just come and gone and now everyone is without power, branches and trees have knocked over and totaled cars, and water has flooded dozens of homes. No one should enjoy this, but I have the slightest feeling that they do.

Whenever people gather at school, or work, or their Alcoholics Anonymous meetings—whatever social gathering—after a disaster like that has taken place, they always have to mention what went wrong with their lives for that period of time.

Bob: "Hey, Shirley."
Shirley: "Hey, Bob."
Bob: "Man, this hurricane was terrible. My roof was leaking."
Shirley: "Oh... yeah?"

See. Now Shirley is into it. She's ready to win this game. Ain't no one gonna tell Shirley that they had it worse than she did!

Shirley: "Well, my roof was leaking and the flash flood caused my wood floor to damage."

See what Shirley did there? She used the same misfortune that Bob outlined and tacked on a seemingly worse happenstance. Let's see what happens next...

Bob: "Really? Well, my roof leaked, my wood floor was also damaged, and a branch toppled over, broke my car's rear window, and it too has water damage!"

Bob's greatest mistake here is that he thinks the car is the biggest entity and that will allow him to win. Not so fast, Bob!

Shirley: "Well, my roof leaked, my wood floor was damaged because of the flash flood, a tree fell on my new car that I bought just last week, it is completely totaled, and from the shock from the thunder my mother fell down the stairs, broke her knee, and now has to get a metal cap to replace it!"
Bob: "Okay, sheesh! You win, Shirls. You win."

More like lose. Maybe Bob should not have played the game.

Knuckle mosquito bites and people who leave then knock a minute later

2011-03-16T22:45:00.000-04:00

I haven't been feeling like myself lately. Actually, it's been more than just "lately," this can be dated all the way back to late January/early February... right around the same time my last original and funny post was made. Now, you might say: "Michael, that's only a couple of months. What's with 'dated all the way back!?'" Chill. I said you might say that, not that you would actually say it. You could be saying a multitude of things. Maybe you're saying "Fuck, why did I bother reading this BS?" Or you could be saying "I wonder what happens when a lost and found box is found." Or you might be saying to yourself "Why do mosquitoes decide to bite you on the knuckle of your finger? That shit's annoying, man!" And you're right. WHY DO MOSQUITOES DO THAT? Virtually anywhere else is fine! Damn mosquitoes.

Anyway. For the past couple of months, I haven't felt like me. I don't see humor in everything as I used to, I haven't been able to come up with an original idea for a blog post, my Facebook and Twitter updates have become bland and generic (I think I may be guilty of posting what I'm doing for the sole purpose of informing people on Facebook!!!). All in all, I have yet to come up with anything humorous whatsoever. I know this because I usually post humorous things in my phone's notepad app which then later become more complex thoughts and musings, some of which have ended up on this blog (see: "5 reasons why being fat is awesome" or "3 legitimate ways people ruin New Year's Eve"). If you were to check my notepad app, you would find dialogue that has transpired in real life that I have found funny. But that's not at all original. In fact, it's more like blatant copying.

So I decided to forcefully think of something relatively funny — which usually never works. What is the root of all comedy? Pain! Or annoyance, at least. That's why I have chosen to talk about a little pet peeve of mine: When people leave the house and then knock on the door one minute later.

It's always the same with these people! They decide to leave, you have to walk them out, or open the door for them, or just say goodbye (which is somewhat of a trouble). They're gone. You think you're safe. 30 seconds later: KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. Now, not only do you have to go open the door... you also, have to, like... get up to go open the door. You're comfortable and they want you to get up! Please.

It's even worse if it's someone who lives in your home. YOU HAVE A DAMN KEY. USE IT. And it's always those people who dismiss you asking them if they forgot anything in the house.

"I've got everything."
"You sure? Everything? Your phone? Your glasses? Your sweater? Got your book? A coke bottle? The Chinese nuclear invasion plans? Got 'em? Yeah? Nothing you're missing?"
"Got it."
"Okay. Bye!"
30 seconds later.
*Knock* "Shit, sorry, I forgot my hairless mole rat."
*Internally: FUCK OFF.* "Ahh, that's okay, come on in."

I hate more, though, (again if someone lives with you) when they call you before they come to the door asking for you to get the forgotten item and bring it out to them or to "have it ready."

Well, that's one of my gazillion pet peeves. And actually, this writing out did help me think of another idea for a post down the line. So there's that! Y'know, if I could have a blog (collaboration, of course, or alone but I'm not nearly prolific enough) that was all just about funny thoughts and reflections: I would. It would mean leaving my other writing obligations, but I'm cool with that.

Virgin Mobile's Android ad highlights web stalking as a feature: "That's crazy, right!?"

2011-02-19T22:04:00.000-05:00

If you have yet to see Virgin Mobile's new Android commercial(s), consider yourself... well, warned, really. Not because the video goes the way of stalker movies (like I'm sure that new The Roommate is like or even everyone's favorite trashy movie to absolutely love, Obsessed), though it absolutely does go there, but because you may find a little bit of Virgin's caricature in you.

The commercial above features a mildly attractive young female who has just ended her first date with a young guy, Brad, to which she finds herself sitting on the branch of the tree outside his bedroom stalking him through his social networking sites... while actually, like, stalking him stalking him. She checks his Flickr, his Twitter timeline, and goes through his Foursquare check-ins to see his daily routine! Now, I'm sure we've all been guilty of perusing Facebook photos in the past, but this is a little ridiculous.

Though, I am absolutely certain there are people out there like this. Makes you rethink having public profiles. In other words: make them sh!ts private!

The ad ends with: Go CRAZY with Android. What's crazier is that price, $25 a month! What results is actually a pretty hilarious ad. At least for me.

If you liked that one, you'll love the one where she's hiding in his closet and becomes the mayor of "Brad's closet" on Foursquare. Seriously, you will. Watch it by clicking here.

Mostly though, I hope Brad keeps a knife around. Or a Glock. Maybe a bat. Something.

(Also, where did they find that girl? She's pretty amazing.)

Look, Ma! I'm writing for Neowin! (And how I crushed a girl's toe)

2011-02-03T23:09:00.001-05:00

That picture above, dated back to January 12th, 2011, is a tweet I sent out that links to the first article I wrote for Neowin.net. The article is about Sony filing a lawsuit against the hackers that were able to jailbreak the new PlayStation 3, aptly titled "Sony sues GeoHot, other PlayStation 3 jailbreak hackers."

But what the article is about, or what it's titled, is neither here nor there. The point is that I began writing for them back in mid-January. (If you don't know what Neowin is, it's a news website dedicated to technology and such, like Microsoft, Apple, Linux, and so on.) But I wasn't officially on the team until a couple of days ago when my name turned red on the website, the official seal of being a News Reporter for the Neowin. And since it wasn't official, I decided not to actually say anything about it.

But now it is. So this is me saying something about it. So far it's been tons of fun and I'm grateful to everyone at Neowin for giving me this opportunity. There is a lot to learn from and about this experience; the learning curve is huge, but thrilling. So that is that. I hope you'll read some of the things I write. Here's a link to my profile on Neowin.

And since this post seemed too not funny nor anecdotal, I will tell you that today I stepped on some girl's toe. It was in an auditorium class as I was trying to pass everyone to get seats in the middle of a row... and I just crushed her toe. To which she yelled, "OH MY GOD, MY TOE!!!!" and I replied with an apology. To that girl, I am sorry. Again.

Also, to Luis [Nolastname] who sent me an email congratulating me on my "Neowin job:" Thank you! You are very kind.

Words & phrases you don't know you're saying wrong

2011-01-17T02:08:00.001-05:00

1. Supposably.
Why this is wrong: It doesn't exist in the English language.
Correct way to say it: "Supposedly." Ahh, better.

2. Fewer / Less
Why you're saying it wrong: Fewer is only used when you can count how many of an item you have; Less is used when you cannot count how many of an item you have.
Correct way to say it: Think about money. I have less money and fewer coins. You cannot count how much money you have (in theory) but you can always count how many coins you have. Same goes for water, you can't say "I have fewer water" but you can always say "I have fewer CUPS of water." You can count the individual cups of water but you cannot count how much water, with no measurement, there is.

3. Much / Many
Why you're saying it wrong: For the same reasons above. You cannot use "much" when you can count how many things you have and vice-versa.
Correct way to say it: Think about work. I have too much work; I have too many assignments.

4. "For all intensive purposes."
Why this is wrong: A. That's not the phrase. B. If this were the phrase, it makes no sense.
Correct way to say it: "For all intents and purposes."

5. Vehemently
Why you're saying it wrong: You're probably pronouncing it "Vee-HEE-ment-ly." That's not right.
Correct way to say it: "VEE-uh-ment-ly." Yes, seriously.

6. Forte
Why you're saying it wrong: You're saying FOUR-TAY, most likely.
Correct way to say it: Like "fort."
Why it's okay to just say FOUR-TAY: Because everyone and their mother says it that way, anyway.

7. Anyways
Why you're saying it wrong: You're adding an "S" at the end.
Correct way to say it: Anyway. It's just one way that you're anying. Got it?

8. Irregardless
Why you're saying it wrong: You're adding two negatives and it cancels them both out.
Correct way to say it: Regardless.

9. "I could care less."
Why you're saying it wrong: If you could care less, then that means you must care at least a little bit to have the ability to care less than what you're caring right now.
Correct way to say it: "I couldn't care less." This way, you're at the highest level of not caring and therefore cannot possibly care any less.
[There's a good clip from Modern Family for this one but I can't find it.]

10. I.
Why you're saying it wrong: You're using "I" as a form of "me" which does not work. People always want to sound like they know grammar because they always say "I" but... no.
Correct way to say it: Instead of "Mom took Tom and I to the park" you'd say "Mom took Tom and me to the park." Imagine if Tom didn't exist, would you say "Mom took I to the park?" No. Then why do you say it when Tom is in the sentence? You don't.

11. Myself.
Why you're saying it wrong: You're also using "myself" as "me" when in reality it's a self-reflective pronoun.
Correct way to say it: When you find yourself saying "If you have any questions, you can always ask Dana or myself--" STOP! Would you say "...you can always ask myself?" No. But this goes deeper than that. "Myself" is only used when you, yourself, (and in that instance I was emphasizing you, so it's valid... you can do that with "myself," too) are the subject of the sentence. So consider a sentence where you're the subject. "I went shopping and bought myself a new pair of pants." You are doing an action to you.

12. Feb-yoo-air-ee
Why you're saying it wrong: The "R" is not silent.
Correct way to say it: "FEB-roo-air-ee." Yes. Seriously.
Why you can just keep on pronouncing it wrong: You'll look like a pretentious ass at times if you pronounce the R. Though, considerably less of an ass than you would if you pronounce forte like "fort."

13. Jew-lur-ee
Why this is wrong: Do we have to go through this?
Correct way to say it: Jewl-Ree.

14. Lie-berry
Why this is wrong: Lie-berries are only dishonest berries.
Correct way to say it: LIE-BRAIR-EE

15. Upmost
Why this is wrong: Upmost is a word that means "a lot of power." Or something to that effect.
Correct way to say it: LIKE THE DAMN WORD IS WRITTEN. Utmost.

16. Effect / Affect
Why you're saying it wrong: You're confusing the noun for the verb. Affect is a verb. Effect is a noun.
Correct way to say it: Here's a trick I use a lot: replace "affect" with "change" and replace "effect" with "results." Now think of a sentence where you'll want to use either affect or effect and don't know which one's correct. So, "The Affect/Effect of Global Warming will be catastrophic." Now replace the a/effect with both words and see which one works. "The [change] of Global Warming will be catastrophic." Nah. "The [results] of Global Warming will be catastrophic." And we've got a winner. Affect is an action that is being done, Effect is thing -- a noun.

17. Antartica
Why this is wrong: This is not a word.
Correct way to say it: The word has a "C." Ant. Arc. Tic. A. Antarctica.

18. "Statue of limitations."
Why this is wrong: There is no statue that is defining or symbolizing any limitations.
Correct way to say it: Statute of limitations. Statute, like a law. Watch this Seinfeld clip.

19. Expresso
Why you're saying it wrong: There's an S in that word, not an X.
Correct way to say it: Espresso. Es. Press. O. Although, I do understand how that coffee can be interpreted as being the express of all the coffees!!

20. Adding an S to every fast food chain.
Why this is wrong: SOME FAST FOOD PLACES DO NOT HAVE AN "S" AT THE END.
Correct way to say it: Subway. Target. Walmart (or Wally World). Barnes & Noble. Stores and fast food places only have an S (usually) because the title is saying that they're owned by that person. McDonald's is owned by Mr. McDonald. Michael's is owned by Michael... it is Michael's store. I do really hate when people say Subways, there's only one subway there people! And especially Barnes & Nobles. There was only one co-founder that was named Noble. Just sayin'.

(And yes, even this blog title has incorrect grammar. Can you spot it!?)

5 reasons why being fat is awesome

2011-01-07T00:00:00.002-05:00

Source: This Flickr User

Fat people have a bad rap. And it's not our faults, it's the talk shows of the latter years -- you've got your Oprahs, and then a series of shows that precede with "Dr." like that Phil Guy, and the one who's missing Dorothy and the gang, plus that other show that doesn't even care to label a single doctor... it's just a whole mess of them! And each, single show is always pressing the idea that you have diabetes.

Now, diabetes is a very serious condition. So you should probably be very wary of it. But please don't tell me that diluting my "sugary drink" by pouring half drink and half water is both good for me and tasty. Because I can guarantee that there is only one thing it tastes like: $#!%!!!

But going back to how being fat is freakin' awesome. I will be the first to concede that there are many reasons why being fat can get tiresome -- people blaming flatulence on you, moobs (that is man boobs), never finding good clothes in your size, sitting in chairs with an attached desk, people thinking that you must be good in football just because, and general "health" or whatever -- but let's not deny that there are some pretty sweet reasons to keep that 'little bit more to love' on you.

5. Fat people are always jolly
Just like talk shows give fat people a bad rap, fat celebrities show the world the other side of fat people. You know, the part way on the other side. Get it? That was a fat joke.

Anyway, there are many celebrities that prove that whatever they say or do is misconstrued as just part of their jolliness. They wouldn't have been the same if it wasn't for their huskiness. Mostly that's because when you're a little heavy, people generally regard you as just being jolly... so everything you say is a joke. You can never have the Douchey Fat Friend, it's always the Funny Fat Friend. Perhaps that's twofold: you don't really want douchey friends and a funny fat friend rolls off the tongue nicely. Jackie Gleason's "Bang, zoom, straight to the moon!" may have been seen as a little bit like domestic abuse but instead it's now just a catchy, if not iconic, television catchphrase. Ah, the glory of being jolly.

Speaking of which, could there be a better icon than Santa? Jolly ol' Santa with the bowl full of jelly who brings joy to all the boys and girls -- there it is again! How pedophile-ish would that seem if he WASN'T fat? I'm just saying: the guy has "presents" for kids, which he brings at night, by sneaking into their house, and he knows when they're sleeping, and when they're naughty. Think about it. It's all about the fat.

But it doesn't stop there, pop culture is chock full of good fat icons: Homer Simpson, Kevin James, Peter Griffin, Mo'Nique... oh, wait... never mind, well there's Rosie O'Donnell... is that a good example? Queen Latifah maybe? And Jason Alexander... who I think I saw on Jenny Craig commercials now so... uh, Michael Moore... okay, yeah, let's just stick with Santa.

4. Fat people are always warm
This could most definitely be a con more than a pro for being fat but when it's cold, guess who isn't. YOU AREN'T! This is, of course, assuming that you are fat.

Living in Miami doesn't allow for many opportunities for cold weather, and in fact a day in the 70s can feel like we're already wearing a sweater and leg warmers, but when it is cold... boy is that just fantastic! Watching skinny d-bags in their ten layers of clothing while you're just wearing an undershirt is both gratifying and comfortable. Also, you're not one of those lame-os who has two pants they have to take off when you need to pee.

But mostly, you don't really need the heater, or three quilts either. One quilt surrounded in your natural body heat in the middle of the chilling night is more than enough for both comfortability and pure awesome. Also, it means that you don't have to fiddle with the three different quits that are out of sync with each other so you feel different layers of cold and warmth on different parts of your body and then one quilt gets lost within both quilts and you have to rearrange everything... yeah, I'll take body warmth.

3. Fat people don't get hurt in car accidents
I'm pretty sure this is ludicrously not true but what the hell. I'll go with a personal anecdote.

My mom's friend and her apparently "very big and a little heavyset" son were recently in a pretty bad fender bender. A car hit them on the highway which resulted in the mom getting a black and blue face and cuts all over her hands. The son? Yeah, he walked away without a bruise and was back to work the next day.

In fact research suggests it actually could be true. Now, apparently obese people are much more likely to die but those who are a little fat have the best chances to walk away perfectly fine, according to most studies. But in February 2010 the University of Michigan conducted a study which found "that belted male drivers who are obese (those with a Body Mass Index between 35 and 50) have a 22 percent lower probability of being killed if involved in a fatal crash than belted male drivers who are underweight (those with a BMI between 15 and 18.4)."

The UK's The Daily Mail, however, suggests that obese people are much more likely to die but those who are a little bit fat are, in fact, the most likely to survive a car crash. Of course, everyone should be wearing seatbelts. That goes without saying. Fat: it's like you're own personal padding.

2. Fat people always get to finish other people's food
This is one part insulting, two parts awesome. If there's one thing fat people love the most: it's food. I mean, that's how we got here in the first place. That and not wanting to get our lazy asses up from the couch. (As I'm writing this, I am being summoned to take out the trash and retreated claiming "I don't wanna." See?)

There are always skinny people who claim that they're full when they've eaten one grape tomato and an iceberg of salad and then go: "Wanna finish it?" And guess what, I'm tired of being exasperated, yelling that they can't possibly be finished. Instead, I now say: "Hells to the yes!" It works out because (A) of course I'm hungry and (B) I save money on lunch. But let's be honest, I probably already had my own lunch. So mostly, I just get to fill my tummy with more deliciousness. And I call that a win.

Also, people always think that you want to eat everything so they always save you stuff and bake you things for special occasions. It sometimes backfires when there's good food because they think that once you arrive you'll eat it all, but I think the positive outweighs the negative.

1. Fat people always ride shotgun
Carpooling is good for the environment and good for your wallet. And the best part is that if you're fat, you're never asked to sit in the back where you'll squish people to the point of puncturing a lung with their rib that will fatefully be broken during the car ride.

No need to be with the other two people in the back who are talking nonsensical BS, you get your own chair with your own space, and a lot of times the passenger on the passenger's seat can control the radio. Score! Plus, you get first dibs on the cool air from the AC. And you already know that you're warm. But if for some reason you have to ride in the back because maybe some old lady is joining you on the trip, chances are you'll get the window seat. So it all works out.

Bonus: Fat people get handicapped parking spaces
Now whether or not you should get a handicapped parking sticker for being obese legally or morally is neither here nor there. The point is you do. And no one likes walking, anyway.

Legally obese people do, in fact, get handicapped stickers. And when you park in one there is absolutely no need to limp just in case someone catches you using the space. You just have to point at your fatness.

3 ways people legitimately ruin New Year's Eve

2010-12-31T19:02:00.002-05:00

I'm not here to rain on anyone's parade. Or rain on anyone's fireworks display, that is. But when the clock strikes 12 midnight, it also means the end of "the holidays," (well unless you celebrate El Día de los Reyes Magos) and thus the end of being cheerful or nice in any way. At least that's what it means for me.

So why not fast forward some of that new year downer syndrome -- like having to remember 2011 instead of 2010 when you write down dates -- with the following three ways that New Year's Eve is spoiled by people like you?

3. No one ever spells or says the holiday correctly.

Catastrapostrophe: A search of my timeline on my phone for
"New Years" (no apostrophe) on Twitter for iPhone.

This may not be a big deal if you don't care for the English language. For you people, skip on to number 2 and 1. For those of us who have respect for punctuation and the use of the possessive, this is so annoying. The same is true for "Seasons Greetings" with no apostrophe or "Valentines Day" or any holiday, really. Why is it wrong, you ask? Well with every fiber of my being wanting to shout out "BECAUSE IT IS!" I will explain it anyway:

You may say, if it's New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, then why isn't it Christmas's Eve and so on? That's a great question imaginary person! And I have no real answer for that (sort of how not real you are). Other than maybe Christmas is a noun and Eve is a noun and together they make just another noun. Think of it this way: Computer is a noun; Keyboard is a noun; but you don't write Computer's Keyboard, you write Computer Keyboard... though, you could write it with the apostrophe. But why when the noun exists and works as is? Furthermore, "New" in "New Year's Eve" is an adjective. It is describing the year. Therefore, the year that is new has a day before it. Not just any year. Or it's really "New Year's Day's Eve" with an omitted "day's."

But mostly it can never, ever, ever, never, never be New Years Eve because that means you are referring to an eve of something that can never happen. Multiple years cannot begin at the same time. Unless we're in an alternate universe (or more than one) in an episode of Fringe or something. So nix it. Stat.

2. No one knows how to count down.

You may have noticed a few tweets above actually say "New Years" without the "Eve" which is also a common problem. Have you heard these people that say "Happy New Years" when it's 12 midnight? Once again: multiple years do not start at the same time. But I digress.

In typical New Year's Eve celebrations you have a ton of people gathered in a public place, one shove away from a Mexican standoff and a lot of blood everywhere, and with that usually also comes a public countdown of some sort. In Miami's local celebratory events a countdown is displayed on the side of a swanky hotel near the bay that looks something like this:

Thank you to whomever I stole this from.

It usually goes somewhat like 2:02, 2:01, 2:00 1:59... indicating there is one minute and fifty-nine seconds left until the new year begins. But when the countdown strikes 1:10 this is what you hear: "TEN, NINE, EIGHT..." with a very confused "HAPPY!!! ...New ... year?" as it continues 1:01, 1:00, :59. Every year. Without fail. Well, there's definite fail happening.

1. Celebratory accidents, deaths, and accidental deaths.

I'm done with grammatical incorrections. Moving on to people dying which is something no one wants to think about. But it happens. And it definitely happens during New Year's Eve.

Reportedly, an average of 10 people die from fireworks a year (which I assume is split up between Fourth of July and New Year's Eve). Another 421 people die from "car-related" accidents every New Year's Eve, which is actually the way most people die on the holiday (from drinking, no doubt... which by the way, 4,000 people die a year from alcohol poisoning just a fun fact). And those are actual fatalities. Not injuries.

But perhaps the stupidest accidental death: shooting guns into the air. The CDC says that roughly 720 people died in 2007 because of accidental discharge of a firearm. And every New Year's Day it seems like there's another story on television of someone who was killed or injured because of "celebratory gun shootings" into the air. Those aren't accidental, they intentionally fire their guns into the night sky. As if what goes up doesn't come down.

So when the countdown gets to zero, and the clock strikes midnight, and the corks are popped off the champagne bottles: how many people ruined the day for others? Worse yet, ended their life?

Okay, stop! You're getting too sad. Don't think about that when the countdown gets to zero... sheesh! Think happy thoughts because it's a happy occasion, gawsh!

2010 was a year of changes for me: the first year of the decade, a graduation, a freshman... again, discovered my blog and such, and I finally felt like I had friends. Which is sad. But! I get to begin 2011 with all those thoughts, so next year during this time I'll be saying "I had genuinely good friends," see the upside?

Everyone celebrating tonight: have a fun and safe holiday. And for the sake of all that is good and pure remember this: New Year's Eve; Happy New Year.

My list of grievances for Festivus (for the rest of us!)

2010-12-23T17:17:00.002-05:00

Festivus is celebrated on the 23rd day of December every year for those who don't want to feel pressured into any one kind of holiday. Also, if you're cheap.

After spending tons of money (I say as a poor college student) and not having a job this holiday season, I can say that Mr. Costanza (from Seinfeld) was on to something. First: the aluminum pole. Why did anyone think that a tree, real or not, would be any kind of fun? If you have a cat or a child, a decorated tree is like the gift from the devil himself. Constantly hearing those decorative balls fall and break, seeing the tree tilt over about to fall every two seconds, and if it's a real tree, you've got to water it in fear of your house burning to the ground. Second: the dinner during the Airing of Grievances. Now, the reason this works is twofold: A, you get to eat; B, you get to tell people just how horrible they were to you. Then comes the Feats of Strength and yadda, yadda, yadda. But I want to stay on grievances.

Now, obviously, I can't tell my family through this blog how horrible they've been (I mean, I could, but that wouldn't be terribly effective). What I can do is tell everyone how horrible they've been... and generally why I'm disappointed with 2010.

Net Neutrality passed but it wasn't exactly what anyone thought it was going to be. Instead it's basically a crappy version of nothing anyone wanted in the first place. I can see the future now: charging by the megabyte that we use on Facebooking, YouTubeing, and Netflixing. Get ready to pay through the nose.
It's 2010, soon to be 2011, and I've yet to go to CES... and it doesn't look like that's changing any time soon.
There's no Veronica Mars movie yet.
I still don't know how to drive.
People who get on the bus just to get off on the next stop. Seriously... don't get on the bus.
Hulu sucking total *** this year. Nothing innovative.
When people say something, you don't hear them, and then they go "Oh, never mind."
Test-driving WP7 to be let down a little
Not having learned about Curb Your Enthusiasm any sooner! What the!?
My laptop's battery life still sucks.
Having no money.
People would rather watch crap like Dancing With the Stars than Chuck.
I never watched how Ghost Whisperer ended (and the fact that it was canceled).
The curse I have with watching shows that only get canceled proved true again still this year.
Not going to a film school.
People who smack the roof of their mouth when they speak. What is that?
I still can't figure out why we have to pay more for HD and why Comcast changed its name to Xfinity with none of their promised features.
I also still can't figure out why we're paying for Internet thrice over: at home, on our phones, and in public.
The fact that I won't be getting a CR-48. But knowing that once I get it I won't know what to do with it.
Not finishing, or attempting much, my NaNoWriMo novel.
And plenty more (I'm sure I'll update.)

2010, the first year of the decade, hasn't been much of anything. That's what you think! I hope to have another blog post a few days from now showing how awesome 2010 has been, too. What are your list of grievances?

Why I saw the light and went back to the Dark Side

2010-12-19T23:34:00.002-05:00

Talk about paradoxical blog post titles! (By the way, "talk about..." is one of my very, many pet peeves when used incorrectly, like I just did. Perhaps I will share that in a blog post one of these days.) Many may know that I recently ditched my iPhone 3G -- which was driving me bananas with its performance issues, being two years old and all -- and purchased a shiny new Windows Phone 7 device. I went to the AT&T store on a cold Saturday night three weeks ago knowing I was ultimately going to walk out with the Samsung Focus. I tried to weigh the pros and cons of the iPhone 4 and the Samsung Focus thinking maybe I'll change my mind but nope. I bought the Focus. When I saw it propped up in the very flamboyant WP7 display (no negative connotation there, guys, I'm commending AT&T for actually promoting the newly-branded Microsoft OS), there was no contest between it, the HTC Surround, and the LG one that I don't even care to know the name for. That's why I got it. Even though I knew that would be my WP7 of choice since its debut earlier this year by Microsoft, seeing it in person was... well, the screen is beyond gorgeous.

Three weeks later to the day: I went back and got the iPhone 4. I know I don't owe anyone any explanations about why I decided to go back to the iPhone after trying out my Samsung Focus, or, as the AT&T representative that sold me the phone called it, "rented" the Focus. But after I stated that people shouldn't hate me for criticizing the WP7 operating system in my Zunited review because "I'm sticking with Windows Phone 7 even though I can move on to the iPhone 4..." I suppose I should at least explain myself and why I decided to go to the Dark Side (to Zunited users and Microsoft lovers everywhere).

Typing + Keyboard

So I'll try to keep this short and sweet as opposed to all the other blog posts I've made. Windows Phone 7 just isn't all there yet. I couldn't type on the Focus, which many said was an actual hardware issue but regardless I was so used to the iOS keyboard after two and a half years. I was confused about everything and where keys were placed. I know it was only three weeks but it took less time than that to learn the iOS keyboard. Besides, what if I had never learned and went passed my return deadline? I would have been stuck with the phone! Though, I do miss that emoticon button... But that's not the only reason.

Stability + Apps

WP7 is just not stable yet. I know that it's version one of the software (and I also stated in the review that I could hold out like I did for the iPhone when it was first terrible) but I realize now that I just don't care to wait it out. Especially for nonsensical reasons, like, just because I'm supposed to be a hardcore Microsoft fan... which I never have been. The operating system would bug out especially with third party apps which were already lacking tremendously. Do you know that the official Facebook application for WP7 is not even a version one yet? I know that more users need to adopt the OS for developers to feel that its a viable platform to develop for and that returning the phone caters to the antithesis of that but neither could I wait out for applications or the way they actually work. It's not... it's not ideal. Also, there were many quirks with the operating system as a whole. Songs would skip and stutter; some features weren't available all throughout the phone; and some things just didn't make sense. Namely...

The back button.

Sucks. Did this make sense to anyone? I don't even. I will concede that I was on my iPhone and tried to click the back button to get to an app I used previously. And then I double-clicked the home button and went to the app I used previously. And then I realized, holy crap... what's that? I can freakin' multitask! Sweet. And then I thought about the times I was on Internet Explorer on my Focus and then a text came and I replied and I went back to IE and I clicked the back button to go the the previous page and it took me back to the start screen and how many times I had a sad face because of that. And then I came back to the present and went on using the application I had clicked on.

Other little things

You can't manage apps on your computer. You can't use Google Calendars unless it's only the primary one. You have to include all of your Windows Live contacts. There's no address bar in IE in landscape mode. Some screen real estate is idly unused. Notifications get in your way. Surely, not in the same way as iOS... but at least you can dismiss those. Apps and hubs don't remember where you were. THERE'S NO WAY TO GET BACK TO THE HOME OF A HUB. WHAT THE? Ugh.

I will miss many things about WP7: Zune instead of iPod; Zune instead of iTunes (though I won't miss Microsoft Points); uploading photos to SkyDrive directly; the amazing Facebook integration; sharing to Facebook right away, too; the photos hub in its entirety, really; the potential; a physical camera button as a mandatory feature; the lock screen and its playfulness; how it came with IEMs; the sleekness and the Focus's super AMOLED screen although the iPhone's screen is beautiful for entirely different reasons; how IE loaded pages and no checkerboards nor reloading if you closed IE; and countless other things. But mostly, I just couldn't stick with something just to make a point. My phone isn't a lifestyle choice, it should just work. And hopefully in a year and a half's time, Microsoft will have bettered and perfected the Windows Phone OS. And when that time comes, I'll definitely consider going back. It was a great three weeks but what's done is done.

Talk about "short and sweet."

Winter shouldn't suck. But here's 5 reasons why it does.

2010-12-06T20:28:00.001-05:00

This blog post has some... coarse... language. Proceed with caution.

Winter truly is my favorite time of the year. Especially in a place like Miami. And it's not because of the Christmas carols that play on the radio, or the ginger-flavored coffee that allows Starbucks to overcharge its customers (though, I don't drink coffee), or the TV specials -- Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, anyone? Anyone? -- or even the much bubblier personalities. Seriously, it's not the bubblier personalities. The people in Miami are assholes and around Christmastime they're just less assholes, so they're more like asses without the holes, so just less shit-talk. Come January 2nd: asshole village all over again.

Nope, it's none of that. What is it, you ask? It's the weather. Since pretty much 10 months out of the year the city is so hot that everyone's sweat is sweating balls, the cooler weather is a nice change of pace. But it's still a shit storm. And here's why:

5. The weather doesn't just gradually go from one temperature to another because it's not really part of our weather cycle. So we don't go from the 80s to the 70s to the 60s and so on. Nope. Monday afternoon - 94 degrees; Monday evening - 46 degrees. It's that fast. And you know what happens when temperature changes that fast?

4. People get sick like it's the plague. "Hey, Michael, I was wondering if"--ACHOO!!!! *snot and germs fly everywhere*--"you'd like to do something this weekend?" Michael is now infected and sick to then pass that on to the next person. Okay, you're right. I lied. I don't have friends and they don't invite me places. But that stuff is still contagious.

3. And it gets even better when you have a whole bunch of finals at the same time. Yes, I'm that kid in class along with the others who's coughing and sniffling every two seconds while you're trying to guess 'C' but can't concentrate enough. You're welcome for failing you. But it probably also had a little do with...

2. The fact that no one knows how to react to temperature normally around here. In any other city, 68 degrees is perfectly normal and beautiful weather. In Miami: it's as if the sun has eclipsed forever and if you don't wrap yourself within every article of clothing you own, you will die. You think I'm exaggerating? Visit Miami some time... when it's cold. Well, "cold." And then wait until you see people with their fur jackets, knee-high boots, and their double-jeans wearing and double-socks wearing. Yes. Double socks.

1. But that all pales in comparison to what I like to call Bipolar Temperature. (See what I did there? With polar? Though, Multipolar is probably more appropriate.) That is: it's never a good temperature anywhere. You wake up and it's too cold to get up because no houses have good insulation so you can count on your house's temperature to be double digits below the actual temperature outside. Then you go to take a shower and the warm water is only warm for, like, 2 seconds. Then you go outside and into a building and they don't have the air on at all... or better yet, they have the heater on. Do you know how hot a building is when everyone in the building's disgusting breath is suffocating the entire freakin' place!? AND THEN THE HEATER IS ALSO ON? And you're all bundled up? It's like a sauna had sex with a hot spring and they had a baby that's twice as hot as that shit and you almost pass out. That's what it's like. So since you're almost going to die, you go outside and it's as cold as bricks. But since you're wearing your cow carcass you call a coat and your jeans over your other jeans over your pajama pants and your abnormally large socks over your ankle socks (and two shoes if you could)... well, sometimes there isn't protection in other areas. Namely, your face. You're walking down the street and a wind comes and slaps you across the face like you tried to hit on its girlfriend. And you can't feel your cheeks and your nose feels like if another wind comes it will fall off but since you're as sick as a dog anyway, you're not breathing through your nose, you're breathing through your mouth. So now the coldest thing on or in your body is your blisteringly freezing throat. And nothing can warm that. All the cold air has dried up your saliva. So now what do you do? Overpay for Starbucks coffee? No, thank you. You've already given an arm and a leg for holiday gifts to people you don't even talk to on Facebook. So basically you keep walking with a frostbit nose, marble cheeks, and a throat that feels like its infected with Strep Throat.

Yep, it's the most wonderful time of the year.

I'm sorry you accidentally ended up on my blog

2010-11-24T18:16:00.001-05:00

Not many people visit my blog, and I'm cool with that. If they're not interested, then what's the point, right? My second-most visited blog posting has tallied a whopping 55 pageviews since May 2010... crazy! And that post has only 2 comments to its name (err, title?).

But still there are some people that land on this website with no purposeful intent and to all of those people I am sorry. They search words on Google and the search engine decides this is the right place for them, just take a look at the top-searched keywords that land people onto my blog:

If you click on it, you'll see that most of the keywords (save for one, which is my name) all point to something about Hulu and high definition content. Obviously, nothing on my blog helps with anything remotely about Hulu or HD video. Now, I do have a blog post titled "Why HDTV killed Hulu" (which, by the way, is the most viewed post with more than 770 hits because of this Google search ordeal) but that in no way helps these individuals who are most likely looking for a way to view HD video on Hulu, it's just a rant about how getting an HDTV has killed watching Hulu for me because the videos on Hulu are lower quality. This rant is on the first page of Google when you search "Hulu HD."

But useless information no more! For all those that accidentally stumbled on my non-helpful blog post, I will try to explain in a couple of sentences how to get HD Hulu videos and how to get that onto your TV. First: Hulu HD is only available for Hulu Plus subscribers... so yeah, decide on that. Now: how to get Hulu to your TV. The best and most inexpensive way is to connect your laptop to your TV with an HDMI wire and play it through the browser or even Boxee. Of course, you can also use the $200 Boxee box or even play it on your PS3 and soon your Xbox (or some Blu-Ray players and Internet connected TVs). For information on that just go to http://hulu.com/plus.

There ya go! Relevant blog post. Sort of. Yeah, not really, and I know it doesn't make up for the 800 odd people that wrongfully clicked onto my blog and didn't like what they saw but you've got to make amends somehow. To those people, I apologize. That's Google's fault, I swear it! And now, how to trap more unsuspecting accidental blog stumblers?

Subliminal Bing product placement on 'Chuck'

2010-11-23T19:04:00.003-05:00

I think we've gotten it out of the way that I'm a humongous Chuck fan. And as not only a fan of the show, but also a fan of Microsoft, I notice a ton of Microsoft product placement. Like those laptops with the a Windows logo on them (does that even exist, really?), or people using Windows 7 all the time (despite there being Macs when the computer screen is not shown), or the Zunes on the store shelves (well that one is probably not really Microsoft's doing). But this... this is clever and much better than that blatant Bing product placement that took place that week on How I Met Your Mother, yeesh!

I've been thinking about making a "Screen Grabs" column on Zunited for this type of stuff but until then, this will have to suffice. This shot happens in the (spoiler on episode 4x09, "Chuck vs Phase Three," seriously do not read the rest of this post if you have not watched the episode yet... you have been warned... I'm serious, stop looking right now!!!!!!!!!!) most freaking amazing episode of perhaps the entire series, I mean c'mon BAMF Sarah Walker alert, Chuck's proposal plans are revealed, because of a map where he detailed his execution, which Sarah finds in his shirt pocket. The reasonably crazed-out Sarah, understandable since her boyfriend has just been kidnapped and might be facing his death, asks Morgan what the map is. And then this shot appears for literally one second.

I love me some product placement! Especially when it's extremely obvious (like 30 Rock's Snapple) but this is very devious... or perhaps the people that make the props on Chuck just rather use Bing than Google?

I'm blogging about TV (or: the debut of Fangnatics!)

2010-11-21T19:05:00.001-05:00

Everyone's got a hobby, right? Well then I guess mine is writing or blogging... or just being opinionated, really. But if I had to choose another hobby, it would be watching TV. Because TV is really amazing.

Put those two things together and what do you get? Blogging about television. I already "blog" about technology over at Zunited and now the time has come to blog about the shows I love to watch. Sadly, there's no Chuck involved in this one but I'll make due. Perhaps this is a stepping stone to that. But enough about the intro, I know there are a few questions I should answer and I'm no good at doing that stuff in paragraph form.

What is Fangnatics?

I'll tell you, proverbial person who's a figment of my imagination! Fangnatics is a blog dedicated to an array of Vampire series and franchises, which include but are not limited to: True Blood, The Vampire Diaries, and sadly even Twilight. But it's all good because I personally will not be writing about Twilight... I'll leave that up to my sister (who's the co-creator). What can you find on Fangnatics? Well, at this current moment, nothing really. Soon we'll be updating with news, pictures, info, and even our opinions on shows... plus random vampire paraphernalia. I hope to make it a little bit more of a hub for this type of stuff but I'll settle for a good ol' blog.

Why even create this blog?

Well, that's a harsh question. Why does anyone create any blog? It all comes down to wanting your opinion out there and craving a creative outlet. But still it's a tough question to ask, something Kassie (my sister) and I tried in our first blog post. It was not easily done. Also, and perhaps ultimately, it's a career I would like to see for myself and everyone's got to start somewhere. It's the age where we make our own dreams come true.

What's with the name?
Okay, let's get this straight: the worst pun's the best pun... or is it the best pun is the worst pun? Well, either is true! We needed something short and that could commit to memory. It was either that or Savory Stake. You've got to pick your battles.

Why blog about TV but only vampires?

Did I not answer this one? Well, I love TV and I love blogging so there ya go on the first part. Why only vampires? Well my sister is a vampire freak and two heads are better than one when going forward with something like this. So that was our little niche: vampire shows, not just any show. (Also, it was kind of her idea to begin with... like I said, a Chuck blog would still be amazing).

Is it really this big of a deal?

No... no it is not. But I figure I answer these questions for my own sake.

And there you have it, folks! If you're a fan of anything vampire-y, I implore you to visit our little site in the making at http://fangnatics.com. It really would make my day. And suggest stuff we should add, of course!

Which witch is which?

2010-11-15T17:06:00.000-05:00

On the left is Life Unexpected's Austin Robert Butler; in the center is Glee's Chord Overstreet; and on the right is (yet again) Life Unexpected's Shaun Sipos.

I can't be the only one confused when I watch these people on the television, can I? Perhaps not so much Mr. Sipos since he's a tad bit older I imagine, but the other two is freaky. In fact, I Googled them recently to see if they were related but apparently not. What's weirder is that the left and right actors are playing a somewhat-not-really love triangle with the female lead in LUX and look strikingly similar. They must have known that when they cast Sipos.

On a less girl wearing skirt as a top note (and done with my weird fixation with these people's looks because I'm weirding myself out, even) I feel the same way about Britney Spears, Arielle Kebbel (also on Life Unexpected at the moment), and Jessica Alba [all pictured below, from left to right]... or even Michael McDonald (from MadTV) and Nicholas Cage! And especially Denzel Washington and that All State guy! Okay, I'm done.

Black Eyed Peas borrow from "The Time of My Life," former fans ask not to phunk with their hearts

2010-11-09T15:53:00.000-05:00

And yes, that is the song that everyone knows as the Dirty Dancing song. Remember the Black Eyed Peas way back when they were these social outcast types and did offbeat songs? Whatever happened to singing about humps and lumps and getting it started? Well, obviously they don't have 'the time' for that anymore. Ha, get it... because the song is called "The Time"--ah, whatever! This new Black Eyed Peas just sounds like a whole bunch of computer-generated beats and lyrics thrown together from rejected songs. And the worst part isn't even the borrowed refrain from Dirty Dancing. It's everything else.

I really don't want to turn this into a YouTube video posting blog but I think this warranted that. On the plus side: if you like the song, the single is available for digital download today! (And let's face it, the song will probably grow on ya!)

The next Double Rainbow?

2010-11-08T15:22:00.001-05:00

You're welcome, America. Man, I need some of whatever this girl's having!

Windows Live hates me. And the feeling's mutual.

2010-10-29T16:05:00.003-04:00

I hate Windows Live. With a passion. And that's okay, because Windows Live hates me. It's a mutual feeling, really. I wish I could tell you how much I love the service -- oh, the gallery is great; oh, messenger is such a great IM; oh, I've got so many friends!

But nope. I hate it. And maybe I don't have "so many friends," either. That's more of a personal problem but as for the other complaints, those are pretty much all Windows Live's fault and here's why:

It all began when I logged into Hotmail for the first time in a long time from my original account created some time back in the late 1990s with my pseudonym TheMBC. Hotmail prompted me to receive a code through text message so that it could validate that it was really me since apparently my account had been compromised. So I gave them my phone number, received the code, and logged it into the service. Now, I'm in my email. Success! Of course, the very next thing I decide to do is change my password. Once again I was successful.

Then came trouble. I realized that the alternate email address that was listed in my account was one that I had never seen before. A certain laugh2@hotmail.com (if I remember correctly) which wasn't even clever as a name, to be honest. This must have been the d-bag that "hacked" my account, I must delete this alternate email address since he can get my new password! Much to my surprise: you can't delete alternate email addresses. Or at least you can't do it without sending a notification AND A VERIFICATION LINK to that email.

Now, I get it. They do this because other people can get into your email account and change the alternate email address without needing verification. But in this instance they knew my account had been compromised and they knew that perhaps the compromiser could have changed my alternate email address and could get my password whenever he wanted. I tried using this "delete all" or something to that effect link that I saw for all information stored in your email account and that didn't work either. So I thought perhaps I should just delete the account altogether. I couldn't because I had other services running with the account and had to close those before I could close my entire Live account. The only thing I could think of was my Zune account, of which there is no way to delete.

Defeated I wrote a thread in their help center, which Hotmail suggested I visit after I sent an email to their now-defunct support@hotmail.com, that stated I just want the entire account deleted and everything along with it. The email address also harbors my aforementioned Zune account, which currently I don't have access to, either since my password has been changed again since the beginning of this whole hullabaloo! There was no reply. At least not for 10 days (I just checked again) and I haven't completed those steps to see if it will work. Now, I needed an entirely new Live account for a new Zune account as well (since I plan on getting a Windows Phone 7 device).

Now here's the climax of it all. I download Windows Live Essentials 2011 and can't ever get it to work properly. That image above is a screen capture of trying to log into Windows Live Messenger to no avail since every time I try... it crashes without fail. (Whoops, sorry for the rhyme).

There's no other way of thinking about it. Simply put: Windows Live is out to get me! This is why my new Live Account is under a Gmail email address!

Becoming a better writer 140 characters at a time

2010-10-10T17:06:00.001-04:00

The following is a short college essay assignment where I had to come up with a "problematic and significant" question, since the assignment has been turned in and returned (and was not really graded) I figured it was okay to post online:

Constantly, teenagers and other youth are told that technology--Internet, cellphones, and social networking sites--are just making us... “dumber.” No longer do we have the capacity to read lengthy amounts of text, our attention spans have dwindled, or the way we have evolved our writing has become utter nonsense. At least, that’s what they tell us: our parents, our teachers, our mentors, and our more-experienced elders. Social networking sites cap just how many words can be used for text submitted into its database; thus allowing others to correlate how much we read per submission on a social networking site to how much we can stand to read in a more professional, well-rounded environment. But it could very well be that the catalyst of what’s making us less tolerant of reading long text is actually making us better writers. So the question is not should we discourage youth to stop using this technology or stop using it the way we do but shouldn’t we be fully endorsing it?

Less is more, as the old adage goes. And that’s exactly what technology is forcing us to learn, whether we like it or not (and at some points, we don’t!). Sites like Facebook only allow its users to post a certain amount of text per update, text messages on cellphones are capped at one hundred sixty characters (that’s right, spaces and punctuation included), and if you want to get down to the wire, Twitter’s limitations are twenty characters shorter at 140. All this reading in 140-character portions is training us to give up on all stories or articles a couple of sentences in. Recently, I’ve read articles that are lengthy for entirely no reason; they go on for several pages when they can mostly be condensed to a paragraph or so, all by removing miscellaneous details and non-sequiturs.

Truth be told, it’s not always best to feel the need that text be condensed. It certainly does not help for studying with college textbooks where a wealth of the information is direly needed for exams and class discussion. Limiting use of these different technologies could most definitely remedy the situation of becoming fatigued with the overwhelming amount of reading that takes place at the college level. The way we write online does not help in an academic atmosphere, either. Thankfully, I have never had an LOL slip-up on a college essay (wait, whoops!) or ever sent an email to a professor with an emoticon or an “OK Thx, U R GR8.” But it’s inevitable that many are just thisclose to it; besides, it has happened to me in normal conversation. I admit that I have once or twice, actually, verbally, said “el oh el” to signify that I thought a certain comment was humorous.

Then again, language and grammar is a living organism. It lives and breathes and morphs over time. It was not too long ago that “website” was considered incorrect in spelling but is now widely approved by the official AP Stylebook. Can’t the same be true for the way we spell or how much we write? If how we write every day on websites we visit all the time or how much we limit what we read through forms of communication is any indication for how grammar and language will mold in the future, should we not prepare ourselves for that?

Avatar makeup tutorial

2010-10-05T19:18:00.001-04:00

I recently discovered Glowpinkstah over at YouTube, and it's not like she needs any more people to watch her Avatar Makeup Tutorial video (since it hit 2.3 million views) but when I watched this I literally laughed out loud. I could relate so much. Uhh... not because I wear makeup or anything. Just watch the video.

Why public transportation is awesome!

2010-10-04T14:15:00.002-04:00

Over the years of my short life I've encountered people that have never taken the public city bus or train. Whenever I hear about these people, I make it my number one priority to persuade them in taking public transportation as soon as possible. The experience is sheerly ground-breaking and enormously life changing. Where else can you pay $4 round trip to interact with a myriad of diverse cultures and find incredibly... shall we say, interesting... organisms creeping around? The metro city bus is a one of a kind experience, there's no doubt about that.

Don't believe me? Well, here's a little stream of consciousness from my latest metro bus experience:

Metallic cylinder pipes border the entire vehicle, their surfaces probably full of adventurous bacteria crawling around them—million, billions maybe, waiting for the next hand to grasp at their ever so strong support. Not finding a seat isn't a problem if there's an inch of the metallic pipe available, a palm-full of it and you'll be able to stand. Now, I can't exactly say that you'll be able to stand erect or balanced but, stand you will. If you do find a seat make sure to check it out because they are mostly covered with the black of old gum, not to fret, though, because that's only a minor detail in their full filth. Windows scratched with different slang or resident hoodlum nicknames give a sense of charm and character to the entire atmosphere. All this highlighted by an even grimier floor. It’s scratched a lighter blue than its original intent and encrustations offer a sense of relief that only your feet ever touch them... that is unless you can't hold yourself up if you're using the pipes. Then, your hands or even face might contact the floor.

If the environment isn't winning you over, the people certainly will! Snot-nosed, and rosy cheeks, pearly whites, and crow’s feet eyes, you just never know what you're going to get with a stranger on the bus. Some like to talk, talk, talk and others like to just stare. It's actually quite fun. Their faces are usually full of detriment and loathing, what I personally like to call The Metro Look, also known as The Shit-Face Look. Make sure not get this confused with The Shit-Faced Look, that deals with being drunk or hungover. You can, however, find some of those faced people on the bus. They usually like to sit right next to you and fill up the place with the aroma of whiskey and regurgitation. The dim lighting of the bus only deepens the shadows in everyone's faces, so watch out because you may start to see life in a whole new light (whoops, pun!). Sort of like a kill me now! kind of vibe. This is just a part of the experience. Exhilarating, no?

Now, don't judge the metro bus. These people are fancy and classy, they know how to dress up the place for the occasion. Pamphlets, wrappers, and last week’s newspapers decorate the floor (as if it needed it, they're all so unique-looking already). A bump in the rode might cause the entire bus to shake and shatter, so much so that you'll have to stop the urge of thinking it's a Disney World ride. “Stop requested” beckons the automated, robotic voiceover from the PA system. It directs your attention to the old-aged bead-light sign that states the date and time on loop every two seconds. The red marquee dances with your eyes and competes for its attention every so often. This is a good thing, as if you easily get motion sick, it's best to keep your eyes pointed inside the bus.

All around: people with dreary eyes and un-supported jaws, chins dropping in the midst of their sleep state. It might feel natural to relax your eyes and drop your head for a light nap, but you don't want to drown out any of the excursion! Earphones might be a good idea as it livens up the mood a little bit and protects your ears from the noises of the engine, the tire fighting with the pavement outside, and the AC at its full setting. Think about bringing some.

By this time you might be having so much fun that you won't want to leave, but the sad truth is that time comes for all of us. When you want to request your stop remember that the yellow cord, draped all around the edges, is spotted with black. Most metro city bus goers just assume that it's some sort of tar buildup, so try and use just one finger to pull on it. The excitement never stops!

'Going Bovine': A mad just life story

2010-08-05T23:47:00.001-04:00

Going Bovine by Libba Bray

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

"...I'm just starting to understand how amazing this whole crazy ride is going to be and now it's coming to an end." -Cameron, pg 410. In the most eloquent way, Cameron's pleading speech to gal pal maybe love interest Dulcie is the perfect way to summarize this novel. Throughout the beginning I kept wondering if this story was going anywhere, if it meant anything, and I continued asking myself why I should read it. People kept insisting that I finish it and that they loved it so much but I couldn't wrap my head around the about first 150 pages that seem to go no where. I realize now that they were so necessary; they're not just needless fluff: they define what Bray wanted to say about life and how disposable it can be if we don't spend any of it wisely.

Cameron's world goes upside-down when he's the Universe's last chance at survival and at first it seems like a stoner's story but the truth is that everything connects...randomly, of course...that every detail in this novel comes back to create meaning once again. The meticulousness is quite amazing and admirable. I forced myself at times to get through it but, when I was nearing the end, it felt like I couldn't read the novel any faster and I sympathized with Cameron's statement above. I couldn't tell as I read it but when I was getting towards the end I began to realize just how awesome and important this entire journey was and is going to be.

To say more would be spoiling the story, but GOING BOVINE is a story about life in its whirlwind of magic, power, and crazy adventure. At the heart of it all, under the profanity and offensive nature, is another swelled heart packed-full of emotion--some that escaped me when I neared the final words--one that allows you to feel for these characters and for this world. Read this one.

View all my reviews at Goodreads

What to name your blog? I have no idea.

2010-07-26T15:31:00.001-04:00

Naming a blog can be tough. I know this because I've had several on several sites, the last of which was not my name was That Last Thing in which I noted out "last things" in my life...sort of. But I found myself always needing a last thing to write about even though I wanted to talk and discuss a variety of topics.

That's the problem, really. The topic of your blog must always match the name of your blog. What do I talk about? TV? I love TV. Tech? I love tech. Life musings? I exaggerate everything. At this rate I'd have to have three different blogs: Michael'sTV, Michael'sTech, Michael'sLife; that's just way too cumbersome--and I'm pretty sure they might all be taken!

Still it dawns on me. No one is going to read the name of this blog and know what it's about and I find me asking myself what to name it and what to write about. So far the leader is [nameless because I don't want you to steal it] and then I realize I may want to talk about the latest True Blood episode one day and that doesn't work. The saddest part is that I don't fit into any one label in the blogosphere and maybe that's okay.

Or is it? I can't ever decide.