FuckChicken: “So Michael, you’re going to start work at your new workplace next week?”

Me: “Not really.”

FuckChicken: “So when are you going to start then?”

Me: “In June.”

It kinda surprised him, as I had lied to him about not able to extend my notice due to the new workplace commitments.

FuckChicken: [surprised] “You’re going for a holiday?”

Me: “Well, I’m going to tell you 2 words. If you get it, then you’d understand. If you don’t, then nevermind.”

FuckChicken: “Ok, what is it then?”

Me: “Diablo III”

FuckChicken: [scowling] “What is that?”

Me: “Nevermind.”

I saw a couple of them engineers nodding discreetly in approval, but not FuckChicken (as expected). And he went on to remark that he’d need to catch up with the ‘technology’. The fucker thought ‘Diablo III’ is some techie jargon… hahah (but then in a way, it kind of fucking is…)

[Source]
Survey: 60.4% men unmarried
KUALA LUMPUR: About 2.5 million Malaysians, aged 25 and above are unmarried. And there are more single men than women.

They include those who are divorced and widowed, according to the Population and Housing Census in 2010.

Deputy Women, Family and Community Development Minister Heng Sai Kee told the Dewan Negara yesterday that among the unmarried Malaysians, 60.4% were men and 39.6% women.

She said the average age of men marrying for the first time dropped to 28 in 2010, compared to 28.6 in 2000.

“Women marry at the average age of 25.7 compared to 25.1 in 2000,” she said, replying to Senator Datuk Boon Som Inong, who asked for the number of unmarried men and women in Malaysia and the reason for it.

Heng said the fourth Malaysian Population and Family Survey conducted by the National Population and Family Development Board showed 32.1% of respondents had never tied the knot.

Of this number, 55.6% were men and 44.4% women.

“According to 44.7% of the male respondents, they didn’t marry due to financial problems.

“Others cited that there were no suitable candidates (19.3%), career (12.8%), family commitment (6.3%) and other reasons.

“Forty per cent of women said they did not marry as they have not found eligible suitors.

“Some mentioned financial problems (14%), career (8.4%), comfort in being single (8.4%), family commitment (7.4%) and other reasons,” added Heng.

She said the ministry has no plans to set up a matchmaking agency or an online matchmaking service, adding that this was already being done by private companies, non-governmental organisations, religious bodies and some political parties. – Bernama

Do you want to know why are there so many single guys in Malaysia? 3 main reasons:

1) Polygamy. Illegal for non-Muslims, but legal for our lucky Muslim friends (up to 4 wives allowed – if certain conditions are met). Because Muslim is the biggest majority in Malaysia, technically speaking, we would need more than 1:1 of women to men ratio to break that shit even. It’s just mathematics from there on… and you’d have figured out that there just isn’t enough women to get married to every man in this country. (I personally know a few such lucky fuckers, who have more than 1 wife)

2) Homosexuality. The statistics mentioned only men and women. But we all know that big bucket of mess up pretty much consists of some homos and lesbos, who’d prefer to pound on each other’s backside or do it with strap-ons. That accounts for a big percentage of them (I personally know a few of such individuals too…), which skews the statistics greatly. (filter them out, you’d get a slightly better odds)

3) Technology. We have 4G and shit now. Kids have easy access to porn more than the access to the public library nowadays. Suddenly, the opposite sex doesn’t seem all that mysterious to them anymore, and a percentage of them probably lost the will to socialize and stick to fapping at home.

…so, it’s pretty normal…

There’s this Iranian guy, who’s a customer of my soon-to-be-ex-company’s – name’s Ike. We all call him ‘Ike’. He’s an asshole, but that’s beside the point. The thing is about my boss not knowing how to pronounce his name ‘Ike’. My boss (FuckChicken), for some weird fucking reason, calls him ‘Urk’ instead of ‘Ike’. It’s as if he has been watching too much caveman movies or something. Urk. What the fuck.

I mean, not that it’s going to cause any adverse effect or anything but, it’s plain fucking annoying. I have been trying to repeatedly hint him, that the guy’s name is ‘Ike’ (goddammit), but he’d just call him ‘Urk’. He seems to lack of the cognitive ability to comprehend even the simplest of things. That actually kind of prompted me to ask this – if FuckChicken couldn’t figure out how to pronounce a simple 3 letter word despite being repeatedly hinted by almost everyone he met, how the hell could anyone entrust him to run a department? (I wouldn’t even let this guy to take care of my goldfish – if I have one…). There’s something just so plain wrong with Company Y… and it affects all lifeforms in and around it. (and that pretty much includes the bunch of iguanas living in the toxic river next to the cafeteria).

And I’m just glad I resigned… because I couldn’t stand another second working under this shitbag.

“Hey boss, just want to talk to you about my resignation.”

His mouth went wide agape, and I could see his half chewed food in his mouth. About one and a half second later, he asked

“What resignation?”
“Me. My resignation.”
“What?”
“I’m resigning boss. I’m here to tell you that.”

His reaction after that can be best described like a doctor breaking the bad news to him that he’s having a terminal stage testicular cancer. There was no comment, no nothing. He just went blank, staring at me. Shocked shitless. But that was just the first part of the blow. I was about to deliver the aftershock…

“And I’m going for a short notice. 1 month.”

He got shocked even more shit-fucking-less. It’s like he’s just been told that he’s also having a terminal stage leukemia. It was before long he managed to whimper out something…

“But… why?”
“I got a new job.”
“How much are they paying you?”
“A lot more.”
“And how much is that?”

He was delusional enough to think that it was about the money. It wasn’t about the money. It’s never about the money for me. Most of the people I know probably don’t believe it when I say, I never worked for money. But it’s the truth. I never give a fuck about the money. It’s not that I’m rich or anything, but it’s just the way it works for me. During the interview for the new job, the new manager asked for my asking pay, I just told him – pay me for what you think I’m worth. And that’s that.

“It’s not about the money.”
“I just need to know, so that I can benchmark if we’re doing it bad here.”
“I’d still quit and cross over, if they pay me less.”

He stopped asking about the money after that, for that fucker knew that I was pissed off about the system and everything. He continued to bitch about how short the 1 month notice is, and continued to rant about how difficult it is for him to get another candidate to fill my void. No shit sherlock. Who would want to have the workload of 4 engineers with no credit given…

“The new company actually offered to pay for me to leave in 24 hours. But I declined, and asked for 1 month instead. You should feel grateful.”
“Ok, I appreciate that. But it would really help if you could stay for at least another week…”
“That 1 week isn’t going to do jack shit on anything.”
“But it would mean a lot to me.”

He’s pulling the pity card. Pathetic asswipe. Like I would care what it means to him. Pissed, I then stood up and started to lecture him about how screwed up the whole thing has been. We engineers are required by the management to come up with risk management plans and cockloads of pFMEA sessions to foretell and mitigate risks when it comes to their engineering process. But on the other hand, these degenerates would do mistakes like overloading and abusing their engineers with tonnes of bullshit donkey jobs, and not having a contingency plan when any one of them leaves. And in my case, I have about 5 business units on my hands. My departure would leave a void so fucking big, that it’d suck passing light into it like a fucking black hole. He should have thought about this possibility even before I alerted him about my ‘shit about to hit the fan’ situation. But no, he’d sit on his ass all day and do nothing about it, but only to beg me to stay for another week when I tell him I’m gonna quit…

“I think 1 month is enough. I have already prepared the transition plan. You won’t have enough time to hire anyway, so just get a surrogate for a temporary transition, that should do the trick.”

In another words, it was a hint that he’s going to have to worry about that problem himself. In fact, teaching him that (the surrogate thing) was like doling out a donation in sympathy of his retardation. I have already done what I could. Had he been a good manager, he would have had a plan to contain this predicament without being this pathetic, if not avoiding this whole thing in the first place. He fucking deserves it.

A few days later, he actually pleaded me not to spread any ‘bad comments’ about the company, as he doesn’t want any of the ‘young engineers’ having a bad impression of his management. I told him I won’t, because I don’t have to. Half of them are already looking for jobs, and all of them already knew long ago that he’s phony. That motherfucker doesn’t even know he’s going against the traffic. I weep for you, Company Y.

To:
[My manager]
[his position]

CC:
[My HR manager]
HR manager

Resignation

I hereby tender my resignation as Senior Quality Engineer (Quality Assurance department) effective today. Tentatively, I would like to request for my last working day to be on 18 MAY 2012. In compliance to the company’s policy, I have to serve 2 months resignation notice, therefore I am willing to pay the company the sum equivalent of 1 month of my current salary for the shorter notice.

I would like to express that it has been a pleasure of mine to work with the team in your organization for the past 1.5 years. I appreciated every opportunity that has been pitched to me, and that I believe, has helped to make me a more experienced person. But the time has come for a change (for me). Career advancement opportunities have led me to accept an offer from another MNC and this was done only after a thorough consideration. I hope you’d understand and give me your blessing on this.

I wish [Company Y] continued success in all its future business endeavours, and great times ahead for yourself as well. During the transition period, I vouch to do everything in my capacity to ensure a proper handover of all my present responsibilities to the replacement engineer.

Sincerely,

……………………………………….
Michael Ooi

First thing of all, you’ve got to barf on the ill sense of fashion there. If you think golfers looked real fucking bad, you should have seen how these ‘cyclists’ dress up. Oh I’m sure you’ve seen them around before. Spandex suits, tights, Oakley shades and helmet (whatever you call it). You see, professional cyclists needed to wear that kind of garb to make themselves more aerodynamic, and perhaps to reduce the impedance of their every movement – because every second they save, could mean a gold medal in the game. But these dickwads, they’ve got no seconds to save here. These wannabes are recreational cyclists. They cycle around town, whiffing carbon monoxide, puff a cigarette or two during the 2 hour break. The aerodynamic-ness is probably regressed by the massive beer belly or the twin man-boobs there. So what the fuck’s with the tights there? Coz they’re fucked up, that’s why.

And perhaps you’d hear a few of them brag about which bicycle frame they’re going to import from Europe, and how light its molded carbon body’s gonna be. I was thinking, if this cycling business is all about exercising or sports, then isn’t it better that the bicycle’s heavier? (you’ll exert more energy to move the darn thing) Why bother spending a few thousands more to buy a ‘lightweight’ carbon body bicycle? What’s the fucking point? Go faster? By 20 parsecs? Doesn’t make any sense at all. Notice that these are the same type of people who’d bitch about how Gardenia is 30 cents more expensive than Masimmo (or something like that) and makes them think it warrants for a boycott campaign, but would spend an arm and a leg on a stupid bicycle that is probably only 2 seconds faster than a regular one. This whole shebang kinda reminds me of those horsepower increasing stickers and spastic screw-on spoilers you see on a rustic bumpkin’s car.

Cycling used to be a fun thing I did before as a kid (I used to cycle 15 clicks a day to work), and I did it with a pair of bermudas, flip flops and faulty brakes. I had shitloads of scars on both my knees from bicycle stunts that went wrong, and so did my cousins. Was it ever about showing off? Nope, 2 wheels and working pedals were all that we needed for a bike. But look at it now. Cycling has turned so gay, that it makes gay people think it is gay.

Anyway, there is this Indon girl who works under the program I’m in. I couldn’t really remember her name well, because when it comes to names, I only allow 8 bit of memory to keep them. Any name that goes beyond 3 syllables, will likely be forgotten by my good self. This particular Indon girl, has a 5 syllable name (or something like that), and covers all the available vowels. That’s why I do not bother, and instead called her ‘Hitam mia…’ (Malay for ‘The dark one’). That of course, was derived from her unusually dark complexion. Hell, she’s darker than one of my ex-classmates who went by the name Darshan Singh, whom I last saw about a decade ago, at an illegal parking lot waving cars.

So, I’d go around referring her as ‘Hitam mia…’. “You ada bagi training sama itu hitam mia?”. “Itu hitam mia kerja malam?” You get the idea. And she’s perfectly fine about that, or so I thought.

A couple days ago, I was attending some issues at the line, when this ‘hitam mia’ appeared out of nowhere sporting this uneven wear of what resembled a thin layer of undercoat water based paint on her face. It was white and it was shockingly hideous. I had to ask…

“Eh, you mia muka apa pasal aa? You taruk bedak aa?”

She coyly looked away, and a colleague of hers overheard me asking that and remarked – indeed this ‘hitam mia’ wore some foundation powder on her face. That colleague also added on, that it was because I had been calling her ‘hitam mia’…

“Oh, so you pakai bedak sekarang, you tarak hitam lagi lar, is it?”

‘The dark one’ then looked at me, about to get furious.

“Kalau tak mau hitam, you kena sapu bedak kat leher, telinga, tangan, kaki juga. Sekarang muka you putih, yang lain semua hitam, lagi teruk lar!”

And then I went on ridiculing her for the next 15 minutes, which totally ruined her day. I guess that would be the last time she ever wear bedak on her face…

Not long ago, I wrote about ‘the people from the main plant’, you know, the bunch of conceited but underpaid shit-stains who think they’re awesome because they have a bigger organization. Recently, there is this manager who just joined this group at the main plant, let’s call him Gaylord for the fun of it. Gaylord, being somewhat gay looking and wimpy, joined at the wrong time, for his main customer was at its raging peak stirring up fuckloads of shit about the quality of Company Y’s products.

That explains why this Gaylord was tasked with the seemingly gargantuan task of drafting a strategy plan of what he’s gonna fucking do to keep his job relevant (that’s what managers do). Now, Company Y at my division (division ‘unwanted bastard child’), is a completely different segment and Gaylord has no authority over what happens here at our place. That is why 1 week ago, he called for a meeting with our team to plead for help. He wanted us to draft a similar strategy plan, like theirs – which he’d need to park into his deck of presentation that would serve the one and only purpose – that is to bullshit his ass through this shitstorm.

Now, the most fucked up thing about this whole dirty business is, I was the one who’s got to do it for Company Y division ‘unwanted bastard child’. The Engineer. Who is given no power of whatsoever to make any changes. Hell, my manager couldn’t even get me an engineer, which I requested 8 months ago. I was already juggling the duty of 5 engineers at the moment, barely has enough time to eat, and these dickwads want me to draft a strategy plan for the company?? This should be my boss’ job!

Pissed off, I did what I think was pragmatic, given my predicament – I took a deck of slides from the admin (which details something irrelevant), and dumptrucked the whole thing to Gaylord, carbon copied all the useless managers in Company Y division ‘unwanted bastard child’. One of the program manager got fuming mad (because the presentation was his stuff), and protested with some single digit IQ remarks in shittier than elementary English, which I ignored. My boss – FuckChicken – on the other hand, felt a sting up his self inflated pride and made an effort to put up an additional slide to control the damage, which comprises of only 3 sentences in large fonts (that made no sense) on Friday. (I think that slide actually made things worse… he could have sent out a picture of himself naked sucking a cactus, it wouldn’t have been that bad…)

Today, FuckChicken summoned me into his office and he gloated over the fact the he ‘had to’ work hard to come out with a ‘STRATEGY PLAN FOR ME’ (again, the slide with 3 short sentences with wrong syntax) and reproached me for not being able to ‘carry out my duty’. I was very close to grab his throat and pummel his face into the back of his skull, but I remained calm and composed throughout – slowly plotting a plan to leave this fucked up organization. Division ‘unwanted bastard child’. Psssshhhh.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” – that was my reaction.

If you do not know who is Axian, nevermind. I didn’t know him too, until this guy automatically inflated the price of one of my favorite stalls in Penang by just visiting it. That was when I had to ask, “Just who the fuck is this Axian guy??” Well, he’s actually some sort of host for a TV program in Astro (or something like that). When he visits a stall, shit would literally turn to gold, and people would just flock there like there’s a gold rush. Because of the sudden influx of demand, the price of food at the ‘blessed by Axian’ stall/joint will inflate steeply. It has happened to a few places in Penang before. 2 of them were joints which I frequented.

This my friend, is what I call “spoil the market”. Greed is the nature of men. When a man gets free publicity and praise, he gets cocky, raises his price and loses his guard. Of what is good will soon turn bad because the man thinks he’s at the top of his game and he’s invincible. And when the man reaches the top (or so he thinks), the only direction to go from there is down. A man needs a carrot to dangle in front of him to keep going, giving him the carrot will render him static. The carrot will ruin his shit, because he has stopped running.

That’s why when I see Axian’s face plastered on a wall of a joint somewhere, I’d avoid it like a plague, for I know… it’s going to be expensive there and the food is going start suck from then on.

(about the seafood in the strange town, it wasn’t really that good. It was only mediocre at best. That goes on to show that this Axian fever is grossly overhyped and you people should fucking get a life).

- Going through chemo, even though sucks, is actually a treatment. It shrinks cancer cells. Working in Company Y, is a suffering. It causes stress, depression and most likely to cause cancer.

- A chemo session is administered lying down, typically a whole day event. It’s shitty yes, but you get to rest. Working in Company Y is administered standing, with my derriere bent outwards, getting scores of anal penetration from behind, typically a whole day event – and I don’t get to rest.

- A patient undergoing chemo is given diet food that makes the patient feel less shitty. An employee in Company Y is given stale, tasteless and shitty food that fucks his health up.

- A cancer patient gets a lot of support from around during chemo. A dying employee at Company Y struggling to meet schedule and dateline gets sidelined and ignored by every fucking one.

- You get hairloss and nausea from the chemical effect in a chemotherapy session. Hair usually grows back and nausea gone upon completion of the treatment. In Company Y, the nausea is immediate and airborne just by looking at my boss’ face. The hairloss comes from the stress. They (hairs) will never likely to grow back.

- You get poked with needles during a chemo session. You get stabbed with knives in the back in Company Y.

- An oncologist prescribing the dosage of chemo is a professional who is mostly likely to know what he is doing. A manager plotting the strategy of the department in Company Y, doesn’t know a fuck what he is doing and what he is there for.

- Surviving cancer and going through chemo alters one’s life in a positive way. Living through each day in Company Y makes me a more sadistic misanthrope who hates mankind even more.

I am super fucking depressed now.