Me : “Dollah, I nak tanya you satu sensitive punya soalan.”
[translation: "Dollah, I would like to ask you a rather sensitive question"]

Dollah : **looks at me**

Me : “Bila you orang puasa, you boleh macam ini ke?” **stretches out both of my fists to the front and shakes my body violently**
[translation: "When you guys fast (in the month of Ramadhan), are you allowed to have sex?"]

Dollah : “Heheh, malam boleh, tapi siang tak boleh.”
[translation: "Heheh, only at night, but not the daytime."]

Me : “Goncang boleh?”
[translation: "What about jacking off?"]

Dollah : “Serupa juga.”
[translation: "Same restriction applies."]

Me : “Tapi orang pun biasanya kongkek dan goncang malam juga, kan? I rasa ini bukan masalah besar.”
[translation: "But people usually have sex and masturbate during nightime, right? I don't think this is a big problem at all."]

Dollah : “Sebenarnya, kalau nak kongkek siang, boleh juga. Tapi kena ‘denda’ balik puasa 3 bulan.”
[translation: "Actually, it's still permissible to have sex in the daytime. But one has to 'compensate' back with another 3 months' fast for the violation."]

Me : “Tapi kalau you kongkek diam diam, siapa tau?”
[translation: "But if you do it privately, nobody will find out, right?"]

Dollah : “Memanglah. Tapi ini diantara you dengan you punya Tuhan… you sendiri yang tau lah.”
[translation: "Of course. But this is between you and your God, so you know it yourself."]

Me : “Oh, macam steady steady lah?”
[translation: "Oh, it's like being a sport is it?"]

Dollah : “Ya.”
[translation: "Yes."]

Me : “Kalau macam ni, sudah kongkek sekali, kenalah kongkek siang tiap tiap hari… sekali atau seribu kali, you kena puasa balik 3 bulan juga, kan?”
[translation: "That means, if you violated it once, you might as well have sex in the daytime for the rest of the duration. Have it one time or a thousand times, you have to compensate the 3 months fast anyway, right?"]

Dollah didn’t answer me and moved on to chat with the other guys about how Anwar’s going to take over the world. I don’t know if it’s for real but, if it is, then that goes on to show that whoever that wrote the rulebook for fasting in the month of Ramadhan, actually took into account of a possible emergency situation when a Muslim brother needed to have sex urgently. Talk about being flexible.

So the next time you see a fellow Muslim friend fasting for 3 months, ask him… “Was it good?”

Just last night, while I was putting her to sleep with Emily, my daughter rested her hand on my tummy and asked me this in a serious tone,

Regine: “Daddy, do you have boobies?”

She was looking at my chest of course. She must have spotted my muscular chest (alright, fat).

Me: “Of course not. Daddy is a boy. Boys don’t have boobies.”

I conveniently lied.

Regine: “Mommy have boobies?”

Me: “Yes, mommy is a girl, so she has boobies.”

Regine: “Regine have boobies?”

Me: “Not yet. Because you’re still a little girl. Little girls don’t have boobies.”

That was when Emily decided to help me out there.

Emily: “You’re still a little girl. No boobies yet.”

Regine: “Little girl aa?”

Emily: “Yes. You’ll only have boobies when you grow up.”

Regine: “Grow up aa? Boobies aa?”

Emily: “Yes. That’s right.”

But I sense the skepticism there, and I had the hunch that she must be thinking, what a bunch of liars we are. Boobies to her are like, objects protruded out of someone’s chest. That means, if anyone were to stuff a couple boxes of Kleenex into their blouse, then that person will have a pair of boobies. Boobies are like, so cosmetic. Why can’t a boy/man have boobies then? What are those things on their chest then? The reality must have skewed her logic greatly and I can understand that.

The truth is, everyone has boobies. I have boobies, even bigger than some bulimic bitches at my office, that’s for sure. For me (as a guy) to not have a pair of boobies, I must be scrawny like a cadaver. And needless to say, there are also shitloads of girls without boobies as well. Some guys are also more well endowed than an average girl. Eg. Simon Cowell, or Russell Crowe in this recent pix of his here with his massive man-boobies (ironically, with a girly pony tail and a beard)…

Now, how do you explain these to a 2 year old? We can’t. We are trying to make her perceive that boobies are for babies to have their nutritional needs, but we’re struggling. Even if we manage to convince her, we know it won’t hold for long. She’s too smart to be deceived, and I dread of the day having to explain to her why some aunties have huge boobies but no babies… or why that uncle with a twin patch of sweat marks on his armpits have boobies bigger than mommy (haha, I was thinking of The Gimp)…

It’s tough to bring up a kid nowadays…

“Hey dude, SYPHILIS! HA HA!” [points at the car]

Apparently, I hollered too loud… loud enough to be heard by the Nissan salesperson who was behind a wall. I only realized his presence after walking past the wall, which I reacted by hastening my pace to hide the embarrassment… while trying hard to stifle myself from bursting into a cramp inducing laugh.

I sometimes do strange and embarrassing things that I myself cannot explain…

(In case any of you wondered what do I think of Nissan Sylphy - I think it’s a shit fucking ugly looking car. The interior’s decent though.)

From: [my Insurance company]
Sent: Thursday, September 25, 2008 2:38 AM
To: Ooi, Michael
Subject: Specially for women like you

Dear MICHAEL OOI,

Do you want the freedom to live life on your own terms?

If so, [PROGRAM NAME] is really ideal for you.

[PROGRAM NAME] for Women is a new, all-in-one health, protection, savings and investment solution for your future.

Whether you’re young or established, have a successful career or simply managing a home, [PROGRAM NAME] for Women features 4 solutions specially designed to meet your needs during the different life stages. Each solution is flexible and easily customised, offering total financial and life coverage that is relevant to you.

Life’s complicated enough. Financial security shouldn’t be.

Click to see how easy we’ve made it for you.
[URL]

Regards
[Agent name]
[Insurance company] Contact Centre

Specially for ‘women’ like me… fuck. It wouldn’t have been that wretched if my name was not quoted in the content, because I would have disposed it off as another spam mail. But not with the big bolded ‘MICHAEL OOI’ in it. So I’m officially a ‘woman’ in their records. My insurance company’s records. FUCK.

Enclosed with the mail was a picture of a relatively young woman stretching her hands at a meadow with a liberating close-eyed expression ala the armpit deodorant advert style. I’m not sure if that picture was suppose to assuage any possible confusion that might arise upon the shocking discovery of my ‘true’ gender. This is disturbing indeed. I made an effort to reply…

From: Ooi, Michael
Sent: Thursday, September 25, 2008 9:15 AM
To: [my Insurance company]
Subject: RE: Specially for women like you

FYI, the last I checked, I am still a very masculine and established MALE. So, no thanks.

I was thinking of attaching the picture of my schlong to the originator (whom I presume must be a lady) with a caption ‘DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A FUCKING OVARY TO YOU??’, but I eighty six-ed the idea because I do not want to be too brash - because the lady on the other end might just die out of excessive cum radiation…

Boss: “Michael, what do you think of using a special questionnaire to screen the new engineer for the new job?”

Me: “What do you mean? Like an interview or something?”

We were referring to an idea by the management to get a subcontractor engineer to help out some of our work (you can think of it like hiring somebody’s maid to wash your shitload of laundry). In this case, an interview would be redundant, since we’re not really hiring that guy. We’re just exploiting them at the advantage of being on the higher level the food chain here…

Boss: “Not really an interview, but sort of like a filtering mechanism to make sure that the guy who comes in is competent and suitable”

Me: “Oh you mean, to make sure that they’re not sending us an idiot for the job?”

Boss: “Something like that.”

Me: “Well, we can check his qualifications, if that helps… I’m not too sure if a questionnaire is appropriate… since that guy will not be on our payroll and we don’t have the say to throw him out if he’s an idiot…”

Boss: “I don’t think checking the qualification is sufficient… Just look at Mojo Jojo…”

If you remember him, Mojo Jojo was our parasitic colleague who left to seek for greener pastures (or a bigger host for him to siphon the resources off…). A dick short of a wanker, the epitome of stupidity and retardation. Thank God he left us before we were forced to the verge of committing suicide.

Me: “Touché. That guy has a degree in double E, and yet, he doesn’t know what a fuse is… goddamn…”

Boss: “So, what do you think?”

Me: “I’m ok with the idea.”

And I went on to suggest to get a couple more guys to help plan out the screening criteria - probably not in the form of a questionnaire but, something like a simple test. I was thinking of dumping in a few trigonometry questions, and something that actually tells me of his thinking power… like maybe show him various pictures of excrement from different species of animals, and ask him to identify what type of chocolates they are… etc.

Sad that we have to resort to this but that’s the reality. Any spaz has a qualification nowadays. Modern papers are not given out to the guy who has the right substance anymore, but to the guy who has enough money… if you know what I mean.

But something was very wrong with her this morning that kind of freaked me out. I was scooping up some food at the serving counter when it happened. She was at the other side of the counter and I didn’t quite notice anything at first but, after a while, I noticed that she actually had her eyebrow re-done. And it was FUCKING HIDEOUS. From what I managed to gather (while I was still reeling in from the shock), I suspected she had both her eyebrows shaved off and each of them hand drawn with a marker or something like that. And they were kind of slanted upwards towards the corner of each eye. Yeah, like Mr. Spock of that Star fucking Trek. (if you don’t know who Mr. Spock is, nevermind, just check out the photo below)

Mr.Spock doing the hippy peace sign

I was so distraught by her pair of crazy ass looking eyebrows that I almost had a stroke right there. I really don’t understand why she did her eyebrows like that. It’s not even attractive in the first place. It’s bordering between weird and spooky. If you think this is just me, let me prove it to you here. Just check out the following pictures of the hottest looking actresses of our time, and tell me if they looked more attractive with their eyebrows modified…

Kate Bosworth on the left. Tranny lookalike on the right.

Jessica Biel on the left. Tranny lookalike on the right.

Jessica Alba on the left. Tranny lookalike on the right.

Fucking crazy, isn’t it? With their eyebrows looking like Mr.Spock, they don’t seem to be that attractive anymore. They look more like drag queens more than anything else. As you can see girls, modifying your brows can be such a cockblocker if there’s a slight mistake, and I’d advice you to refrain from touching it unless you know what you’re doing. If you’re even a bit unsure, you should probably leave them alone.

Blake was returning from his business travel to India and he was going through the customary security check at the Indian airport. The Bhai officer scanned something of interest in his bag and asked to take a look inside. He obliged with the request and the officer opened his bag to retrieve an object. It was a brass elephant figurine he bought from a street peddler somewhere.

Officer: “Sir, may I ask you what is this?” [holding out the brass elephant figurine]

My friend, albeit nervous, managed to squeeze in a hint of sarcasm in his reply…

Blake: “What do you think this is? This is an elephant.”

Officer: “Why is there a hole under your elephant? Are you hiding drugs inside it?”

There was indeed a hole under the elephant. It wasn’t an anus or anything like that but, my guess was, a trivial product feature. Anyway,

Blake: “I have no idea why is there a hole under this elephant, I bought this thing off the street in [Indian town]”

Officer: “I don’t think this is an elephant. I think this could be a bomb!”

Blake: “Whoaa… whoaa… This is definitely not a bomb! This is just a brass figurine I bought off a street! You can keep it if you want, just let me board the plane!”

Officer: “No, no, we can’t keep it. This figurine belongs to you. We can’t simply take and keep other people’s belongings. Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to have to copy down your details and contact, and then I’m going to let you go. But if anything were to happen to the plane, you’re going to hear from us, ok?”

Blake: “But if something were to happen to the plane, won’t I be dead already?”

It was somehow left unanswered but, that has got to be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard… And of course, nothing happened to the plane.

Raja Petra, Teresa Kok and Sin Chew reporter arrested under ISA
PETALING JAYA: Malaysia Today news portal editor Raja Petra Kamarudin, Seputeh MP Teresa Kok and Sin Chew Daily reporter Tan Hoon Cheng were arrested under the Internal Security Act (ISA) here and in Penang.

The first person to be picked up was Raja Petra, 58, from his house in Sungai Buloh near here, followed by Tan, 32, who was arrested from her house in Bukit Mertajam, Penang. Teresa, 43, was detained at 11.20pm as she was on her way home in a car.

All of them were arrested under Section 73(1) of the ISA for allegedly being a threat to security, peace and public order.

A team of police officers from Bukit Aman arrived at Raja Petra’s house at 1.10pm and led him away 40 minutes later.

The team also took some 15 VCDs on ceramah held by Opposition Leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim as well as 16 books.

Last week, the Department of Islamic Development (Jakim) and several Muslim bodies lodged a police report against Raja Petra, who is already facing criminal defamation charges for allegedly insulting the Malays, Muslims and Islam.

In a statement, Deputy Inspector General of Police Tan Sri Ismail Omar said Raja Petra was arrested based on surveillance that showed that he was involved in activities that could cause unrest among the multi-racial and multi-religious society of the country.

Tan, who was picked up at 8.40pm, was taken from her house in Taman Seri Rambai in Bukit Mertajam to the state police headquarters on the island.

Tan, 32, reported former Bukit Bendera Umno division chief Datuk Ahmad Ismail’s racist remarks while campaigning for the Permatang Pauh by-election.

Lee Kelvin from Guang Ming and Tan Ming Xao from Nanyang Siang Pau, who had vouched for the accuracy of Tan’s report had gone into hiding.

Kok, 43, who is also state assemblyman for Kinrara and the senior Selangor state executive councillor, was picked up over an alleged involvement with a resident’s petition over a mosque.

Acting Inspector-General of Police Tan Sri Ismail Omar confirmed the arrests of Tan and Kok.

Under the Section, police are empowered to detain the trio for a period of 60 days after which the Home Minister can decide on further detention.

Home Minister Datuk Seri Syed Hamid Albar admitted that the decision to detain people and issue show cause letters would be unpopular and would be criticised but it had to be done.

“While we may want to be popular, freedom without responsibilities has ramifications.

“We have to take action to protect the wishes of the majority,” he said.

Syed Hamid also said Raja Petra had been warned on many occasions in the last two years.

“Now, with so much public uneasiness, we do not want anything that can threaten peace in the country.

“The police looked at all aspects and, under present circumstances, the actions were necessary,” he added.

I can understand that the government wants a piece of RPK, but the 2 ladies?? The arrest of that Sin Chew reporter was the most outrageous.

Now help me understand, a reporter reported a ratfink politician making racist remarks, and the reporter got arrested for ‘threatening the peace in the country’? Saddam Hussein, ring any bell?

This lends further credence to my belief that we seriously need to change the fucking government. Like, as soon as possible. Corruption, incompetence, retardation. Man, how much lower can you get?

If any of you are still thinking of voting for the current Barang Naik government in the next GE, you should really change your mind. Hell, I’d hate to pay my taxes to a bunch of crooks…

Umno meeting: Group shows support for Ahmad
KUALA LUMPUR: A small group of people held up banners outside the Putra World Trade Centre here on Wednesday in support of Bukit Bendera Umno chief Datuk Ahmad Ismail.

The group of about 10 individuals, claiming not to be from Umno or any non-governmental organisation, urged Umno to stand up and be brave and asked for Ahmad to be allowed to continue his “struggle”.

The group was there for about 15 minutes, leaving as soon as Umno president Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi and his deputy Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak arrived for the special supreme council meeting.

The meeting which started at 2.30pm is to discuss action to be taken against Ahmad for his allegedly racist comments while campaigning for the Permatang Pauh by-election.

Apparently, the racist prick has his supporters.
I was thinking - struggle? What struggle? The only ’struggles’ I can think of (that Ahmad is facing) are,
- the struggle to control his volatile temperament…
- the struggle to fit in a society…
- the struggle to coexist with people from other ethnicity…
- the struggle to not be such a contemptible shitfuck…
- the struggle to not look so ugly without cosmetic surgery…

From what I see it, he needs a lifetime worth of rehab in a small solitary confinement, only then he’d be rid of all the struggles.

As a non-Muslim, I always resort to a pragmatic approach to circumvent the projected inconveniences by dining out at odd hours - either way past my meal time, or way before their fasting break. You know, to avoid the crowd and being considerate to our Muslim friends.

And I was exactly doing that on Saturday for our dinner at a KFC restaurant, but I was startled by an unexpected sight. The time was only slightly 5 - 10 minutes past 6pm, there was still an hour plus before the Muslims were suppose to break, but there were already scores of them occupying 90% of the restaurant! Just when I thought that perhaps my clock had stopped or something, I noticed that none of them had food on their table… They weren’t eating or anything, but just sitting there watching each other. Some of them were even sleeping.

But my time was right. It was only a little bit past 6pm, an hour plus before the break and our Muslim friends were already there waiting for food. All over the restaurant. Almost a full house, but I was fortunate enough to spot a table for my family of three there. But a non-Muslim family after us wasn’t as fortunate - they had to look for a table amidst the sea of non-eating phantom patrons for their family of six for about a good 10 minutes before finally settling in at a small table that could barely fit 4 person. Being a nice person that I am, I offered them a small table from our’s (because we were already finishing by the time they settled in).

So what was that all about? Being inconsiderate? Is it even normal? Aren’t they suppose to be free from all temptations and maintain a purity of thought (or something) during the fasting time? Then why are they sitting there waiting for food (probably thinking about food), and cause so much inconveniences to other folks? Does fasting gives one the right to transcend above all bounds of social civility, and rightfully be a jerk? I don’t know man, I ain’t a Muslim. I’ll let them answer for themselves.

But that experience has left me disgusted with the kind of the people we have here in our country. Imagine how would foreigners feel when they see something like this in a restaurant. What kind of image would these people paint. I might see them as just a group of specific shitfucks, but really, the foreigners would see us all as a bunch of uncivilized Malaysians/Asians… and that actually breaks my heart… because I’m not like them at all. Fuck.