“Balik China lah you orang!”

I think it was an unintentional mistake. He fucked up big time yes, but not because he wanted to give away ‘pak kum’ (funeral donation) during Chinese New Year, but because he didn’t prepare enough red envelopes, as simple as that. Some losers however, after getting the money, started to nit pick the fella… and began this lame shit smearing campaign to paint this fucker (and whoever that stands in his boat) a real bad light. I mean, come on, there has got to be a better way to do that, right? 

That, really gets me. First of all, ‘pak kum’ isn’t really given in a white envelope. It is commonly given away in cash. In fact, donating ‘pak kum’ is a form of charity (it ensures the grieving people we know could afford a proper burial for their loved ones) and is not a bad thing at all. So to say, there isn’t really a taboo about giving away money in white envelopes. The Chinese people get white envelopes all the time. News about promotion, our EA forms, payslips, vouchers, coupons, etc – they all come in white envelopes. They stirred no shit when they get those white envelopes. But when Ibrahim Katak gives away white envelopes in place of a red one, suddenly it becomes ‘pak kum’… Like, what the fuck?? Then don’t take the white envelope lah! (But they took the ‘pak kum’ still, which is quite ironic… and some of them looked quite elated in the press pictures…)

The same goes with the Gardenia vs. Massimo bread boycott. Some email alleged that we should not eat Gardenia because it belonged to an UMNO guy. And people started to talk about boycotting the brand. That has got to be the dumbest shit ever. I was wondering, do they even think, if the owner could just be a regular business man, who happens to support UMNO? (rather than an UMNO guy operating a bread business?) He could support a school of fish for all I care, and that should not affect my decision to buy his brand of bread. If a person’s creed and background matters to me when I buy something, it would mean that I support racism and being a fucking dumbass at the same time. I buy the bread because I like it. It’s as simple as that. Ibrahim Katak gives away angpow in a wrong color, it’s as simple as that too. See the connection? 

If you don’t, then nevermind.

Regine: “Daddy, why did that lady tie her hair up on the head like that?”

Me: “Which lady?”

Regine: “That lady, walking outside.” [points to a lady, with a beehive hairstyle]

Me: “I don’t know, she likes it that way perhaps?”

Regine: “But I don’t like it.”

Me: “Ok, but she likes it.”

Regine: “I think no one will like it. Her hair makes her look like an ultraman. And there are no girl ultraman…”

What can I say. She’s just being honest.

I’ve only been to a Kim Gary twice. The first visit wasn’t a fond one, because I did not enjoy the spicy noodle something something very much. It was expensive and too bland for me. The second visit was the other day, which also sucked for me – because the spicy noodle something something (another variant), was nothing more than a bowl of instant noodles garnished with shit I didn’t enjoy, for a premium price. But that wasn’t the highlight of the day. The highlight of the day, was this survey form. (note: will launch a new window upon clicking).

Excuse the bad scan but, can you see what’s wrong there?

If you don’t, well, let me list out the questionnaire on the survey form for you here (my comment in parentheses under each question)-

1. Did our staff welcome you upon arrival to kim gary?
(no comment on this)

2. Did our staff seat you probably?
(‘Properly’, not probably. wtf.)

3. Did our staff take your order immediately?
(no comment on this)

4. Were our staffs knowledgeable on the menu?
(Only on the menu? On the floor leh? Should be ‘Knowledgeable about the menu’)

5. Did our staff recommend you to try out our new menu?
(I guess the new menu’s cardboard material must be more delicious…)

6. Did our staff attentive to your needs?
(‘Were’ our staff…)

7. Staff is friendly?
(I guess this is the best question in the whole questionnaire)

8. Staff is helpful?
(Redundant question but, second best in the lot)

9. Staff is efficient?
(Excessive use of information transfer on paper, bills and complex menu selection. Answer is ‘fuck no’)

10. Staff is highly professional?
(They yell everytime someone enters the restaurant (see question 1), and none of the staff wears a cap. Answer is ‘fuck no’)

11. How is the appearance of the staff?
(no comment, but it doesn’t sound right)

12. Did the staff served the meal accurately?
(Should be ‘Did the staff serve’… but the correct way should be ‘Were your orders served correctly?’)

13. How would you rate for the food preparation time taken to be served?
(Should be ‘How would you rate the time taken for the food to be prepared and served?’)

14. How is the temperature of the food we served?
(Eh… present tense balik pulak)

15. Is Kim Gary staff good in service?
(Wtfff)

16. Do you need to take a long queue when billing?
(No I do not need that, thanks. wtfff)

17. When billing, did our staff request any Kim Gary member card or discount voucher to remind you to enjoy our discount?
(Wtf)

Can you believe it? Kim Gary being such an established chain restaurant brand, doesn’t even bother about hiring someone who can write in proper (or decent enough) English. Fucking greedy capitalist jerk offs.

Been having a lot of conflict lately with this guy, whom I’d refer from now on as – FuckChicken. In my recent work performance review, FuckChicken gave me an awesome rating, which I kind of expected considering the fact that I was the only one running 7 projects for him, while his incompetent ass was struggling to hire enough engineers to cover the scope. But there was this one little mistake he did in my review. He put in my record that I was ‘too emo’, and that set me off.

Let me explain why. You see, being a Quality guy in an organization is not an easy thing. You have to be nasty and tough, because the position is a counter-cost position (i.e. it costs more to have Quality). That means, everyone won’t like you, if you’re the Quality guy. I have been in the business for years, and I am inured to it. That’s why, the Ops guys do not like me. That’s because I execute my duties well, and the Ops guy had a tough time dealing with me (I am awesome). I am crazy, yes. I am an asshole, yes I am. I am unpredictable and psychotic, no shit yes. But I am NEVER EMO.

But then, this invertebrate chicken shit boss of mine, seem to have this balless trait that people like to exploit. He’s too soft for a Quality guy, and people used his soft part to make him cum in his vagina. That’s why he called me ‘emo’, and that I wasn’t being diplomatic enough. Well then, there’s this thick distinction between doing my job and being diplomatic, leh mah cheebye I tell you. You can never have both at the same time. FuckChicken is so fucking lame that he personally sent me emails a couple of times to stop me from executing people, and took over to suck some asswipe’s dick. I have never seen a manager stoop so low to suck dick. I couldn’t help but felt ashamed for being in the same department as him.

That’s why I had to confront him, and personally told him that he should really man the fuck up and grow some balls to do his job (particularly a badass manager who has been making FuckChicken his bitch). He didn’t take it well, and has been taking out on me by asking me to call more meetings (can you believe this guy??).

God I do not know how long I could last with this guy at the helm. I could have been a waayy better manager than he could ever be in a few lifetimes. Fuck me.

The shittiest of them all, was the passing of my mom. My mom died a tragic death. She had depression (for reasons unknown to us), and it culminated when she had a serious misunderstanding with her own siblings, and decided to end her own life. The day she died, I was questioned by relatives at home and policemen at the forensic department – what the fuck had I done? It was like, I had committed a crime against my own mother, despite being in shock and sad like shit. (they eventually found out the truth, and the matter was put to rest, along with my mother’s remains).

My mom’s actions nevertheless, seemed to have created a big impact in everyone’s life. She used to be the center of attention in her family, and now what she was gone, it will never the same without her. The same goes for my daughter, Regine. Who used to have a grandma feeding her dinner and night talk before sleep, she could never understand why her grandmother had to suddenly leave like that. I tried to water down the bitter episode of the family by going for a vacation, hence the trip to Korea, to speed up the moving on. We’re coping up fine now.

All the personal issues aside, I had also been extremely busy with the job at Company Y – which came to be an all rounder, lack of budget, full of rustic people kind of job. I learned a lot through the process, but it also made me glad that I survived the day without being castigated for not doing something I wasn’t supposed to do. I have to start early (because of the traffic), and end late (because of the load). No backup, and no solid plan for a career growth. It’s like pulling weeds in the field. Weeds never stop growing and assholes never stop barking for not pulling enough weeds. I don’t think I could last long in this kind of environment.

I hope 2012 will be a better year.

One funny thing happened before I went there though. A couple days before I flew there, I called up the bank to activate my card for my ‘vacation in Korea’. I didn’t bother mentioning which of the 2 Koreas, but the attendant had to ask if it was ‘North or South Korea?’.. like that. I was totally dumbfucked – does that mean that people actually go to North Korea for vacation? Or was the attendant just being retarded? I don’t know. Anyway, it was South Korea that I went to, if one has to ask. It was an 8-day vacation and at times, it felt like forever. Why? A few down points made me felt that way:

1) Food
There’s one thing very prominent about Korean people – they suck at making food. We’ve been introduced to heaps of ‘famous’ Korean delicacies and in my own observation, they’re basically comprised of only 3 types of food – barbecue, steamboat and kimchi. You just dump in different types of meat into the barbecue grill, or a pot with soup, and slap it with a fancy name – chances is high that it is a type of Korean food. Any vegetable or fruit can also be made into kimchi. So, it’s just maths from thereon, you just combine your meat vs vegetables vs fruits vs the either barbecue/steamboat/kimchi – you get a whole culture of Korean food. They’re more or less the same. It’s fucking depressing really (for Penang people, especially).

2) Language
I was told that English is a compulsory subject in Korean education. But to my opinion, that is a complete bullshit (well, either that or, everyone failed their English). Unless you speak Korean, you’ll never get your shit together there. Road signs, maps, amenities, they’re all in Korean hieroglyphics. Communication is a big major cockblock there, so, backpacking is totally out of the question (unless you speak Korean or good at figuring out alien languages at warp speed). I was thinking, why do we humans even bother beaming binary messages to outer space in search for extra terrestrial intelligent beings out there in the universe, when we can’t even fucking get around understanding the Korean people in planet Korea. 

3) Weather
I am a cold person. I like cold weather. But that’s about it. Having to weather the dry and sub zero temperature is not my idea of having a relaxing vacation, as I have to laboriously lug along thick winter clothing in and out of the chill and in between heated environments. It wouldn’t had been that bad if everywhere’s cold, because I could just keep my clothing on. But it had to be cold outside, and extremely warm indoor. So it’s either freezing to the bone, or hot to the core. That’s the part I hate most, adding and removing the layers as you go to places. It sucks and makes me appreciative of not having to worry about carrying extra clothing everywhere I go… here in Malaysia. 

4) Old people
Young Koreans are beautiful (plastic fucking surgery), but the old ones are on the exact opposite end of the distribution curve. They’re rude and ignorant. In the span of 8 days, I’ve been shoved and elbowed by old Korean hags (with oddly familiar cauliflower hairstyles) for not less than a dozen times. They would walk into my line of sight every time I wanted to take a photo and they do not bother to give any fuck. If you ask me, this seems to point to a disturbing trend – old people, they’re fucked up no matter which culture they’re from. But Korean’s worse because of the remnants of silicon and overly ebony wig, which give them the appearance of a stop-motion special effects creature from the past. 

And that’s about all I hated about Korea. Otherwise, it would be an epic vacation. The landscapes there are no doubt beautiful – I particularly enjoyed the view at a place called Seongsan Ilchulbong, at Jeju island – it’s basically a dead volcano by the ocean, and is a UNESCO listed site or something. Then there’s this place where we took a cable car up a mountain range at Seoraksan National Park, with a view to die for. Also, went to a fake island with a bunch of trees and stuff where a purportedly famous Korean love drama was made – it was just alright but nevertheless, better than something like our Cameron Highlands. Then there’s the ski thing we did, it was alright. We were also brought to a theme park owned by Samsung called ‘Everland’, which records one of the happiest episode of my daughter’s life. 

Also, I would like to mention this – I’ve never encountered a dirty public toilet at Korea during the entire trip. This is a feat that is hard to achieve in my humble opinion. Maybe I’ve been to only the good places but, they seem to be on the better scale than most people (I’ve seen bad toilets even in the U.S.). They have the respective janitor’s picture with contact numbers posted in each of the restroom, which I think could be the trick. They make the janitor own the fucking toilet like it’s his joint. The guy’s a phone call away from cleaning your shit and he can’t go very far – I think we needed that in our country because our state of public toilet is downright abysmal. It’s little thing like this that makes a whole lot of difference, don’t you think?

After we came back home, my wife and I agreed on one thing, the visit to Korea actually made us appreciate our home country more. We whooped some Hokkien Mee the first chance we had back home and 2 back-to-back meals of chicken rice for Regine. It’s one thing about saying ‘there’s no place like home’, feeling it is an entirely different thing. We needed this vacation and we had it alright.

Hell, I don’t even know any of my neighbor’s name. When there’s a need to refer them as a character essential for a conversation (with my wife), I’d just conveniently refer them as ‘the guy with a brown dog’… ‘the blimp couple who shed weight’… ‘the guy who works in [company name]‘… ‘the Indian neighbor with fat kids’.. you get the idea. I’m just not the kind of person who would go around posing like I’m super friendly like that. Most of the time, when I see any neighbor near the elevator, I’d just go pretending to fumble for something in my car until he/she’s gone, and I’d get the elevator all by myself.

But lately, I think I made some progress. I could remember a couple of the kids’ names because some of them have been playing with my daughter Regine. I used to refer them as ‘that annoying kid who speaks with a lisp’… or simply ‘that little turd with long hair’. Now I remember their names. With names, I can refer to their parents as ‘[kid's name] mother’… instead of something like ‘that fat bitch with cellulite’. I think I might on to something here. Maybe I’d remember some of my neighbors’ names in a decade or two… and invite everyone for a community dinner or something.

Such is the nature of human. Most of us anyway. We’re a bunch of conceited shitfucks whose existence has now evolved into a contest of who-has-a-bigger-dick (not literally but, metaphorically). When parents meet, they’ll talk about how smart their kids are. Or how well off one of his relatives is, who owns a sports car, and let him test drive it. ‘Who has a bigger dick’. Posers and show-offs.

Revolting but if one knows how to play it well, can be turned into an advantage which one can exploit for an ulterior motive. That was what I preached a couple of technicians at work today. I revealed to them about why I have not cut my fucking hair for 4 months. I basically looked like a hair ball right now. My hair is long and I even have a pair of mutton chop side burns overgrown to my jowl. Why? That’s because the 2 jerk off managers I have been dealing with are afflicted with terminal male pattern baldness. Growing that much hair is my way of fucking with them.

The theory is, when a person sees another (or worse, a nemesis) with something they are not gonna get, that person would feel FUCKING BAD about himself. Like these 2 bald managers. I mean, we could be debating in a meeting or something, but chances are, they’re probably distracted with the fact that I, an asshole from their point of view, have a head full of motherfucking hair and that is just so depressing for them. With that, I would have unconsciously took a stab at their self esteem (without even having to do anything, but rake my long thick black hair in a wildly hobo-ish gesture) and would be that likely to win an argument. So far, it has worked great for me. I made them my bitches in all my inter-department altercations so far. 70% intelligence, 30% hair. 100% effectiveness.

Goddamn I’m awesome.

Indon – “Hi Michael, apa kbr… sibuk ke?¿ Cem mna QA yg tu, OK tak… Heheee..”

The Indon was referring to a new QA Inspector who replaced her. Following exchange of text messages ensued.

Me – “Dia ok. you kerja mana sekarang? kilang selipar jepun?”

Indon – “Hahahaa… Michael ni la. I kje RbrtBocsh skrg.. QA tu lembab cem i ke?¿ ‘;’”

Me – “you lebih lembab lar. Lembab you tu, boleh tanam cendawan. haha”

Indon – “I rasa QA tu lbih lmbab, sbb Engneer dy pun sama Lmbab jg…”

Me – “I rasa you jealous kot? janganlah. cuba makan lebih nasi ayam.”

Indon – “What? Jelous… Untk apa jelous dgn dy, tak cantik pun. Biasa je. I rasa, Michael la yg jelous. Sbb i dah tak kje kat stu lg. Heheee…”

Me – “takpe lar, I tak minat you pun. I lebih minat makan nasi ayam.”

Indon – “Hahahaaa… Mkn tu Nasi Ayam bnyk2, biar muka Michl pun cem ayam…”

Me – “abang filipino you pun rupa macam ayam, you pun suka juga.”

Indon – “Tak de lah,, stop please talk about Him. We broke Up already…”

Me – “oh, tukar kerja, abang pun ikut tukar? steady lar.”

Indon – “Bkn cem tu… Sblm i resign, kita org mmg dah ptus.”

Me – “itu pasal lar you jadi lembab. memang penting utk ada disiplin kalau nak kerja. Moga you ok kerja kat Bosch. kilang yg baik tu.”

Indon – “Tu lah… I pun tak blh nak focus wat kje. So, drpd bnyk was ssah org lain, lbih baik i keluar. Y, moga i blh lbih baik lg dkt kilang ni. Ok Mchl, Good Luck 4 u. Tq.”

I didn’t like the way she spelled my name as ‘Mchl’ – sounded like Ma Chao Hai Lei…

In a male lavatory, it has to be talking to the person next to your urinal. Some assholes are like that, you know. They don’t talk much when you see them in a corridor or any other places. But if it’s at the urinal, he strikes a conversation. It’s just so gay.

I don’t know about you people, but for me, relieving myself at the urinal is like taking a really short but deep break from a hectic day at the office. In that fraction of time, my mind would shut off into absolute nothingness (I’d close my eyes when that happens), or just delves itself in fantasies – like what would I wish for if I get a wish… or where would I hit my manager if given a free pass to do that. It’s totally random what my mind does, but it’s deep. It’s so goddamn motherfucking deep, that it would somewhat make the remnants of my day less intolerable.

And then somebody has to talk to you at the urinal. About work. That has nothing to do with you. Fucking hell.