Conquer Your Fear, Share Your Faith by Ray Comfort & Kirk Cameron

For Men Only by Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn
Great insights on women — how they think, communicate, and feel appreciated. Important for any man to read.
Grade: B

For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn
Interesting reading for me. Many Christian women read this book, so I felt it was necessary to find out what they’re being told about men. Pretty much right on.
Grade: B

The Five Love Languages Singles Edition by Gary Chapman
Excellent book on how people express love to (and receive love from) other people. If you can’t seem to communicate your love effectively to other people, then you’re probably not speaking their love language. Learn to identify your own love languages and discover the love languages of others. Whether it’s words of affirmation, touch, quality time, gift giving, or acts of service, once you become familiar with the 5 love languages, you will find it much easier to express love and appreciation to other people.
Grade: A

Found: God’s Will by John MacArthur
Read this a couple times, because it’s so short. John gives 5 or 6 concrete steps in the Bible for finding God’s will for your life. Then surprises you with a final principle for discovering God’s will for specific concerns in your life. This book cleared up any doubt I had regarding God’s will for me in the coming months.
Grade: A

But in my ever-growing hunger for knowledge — especially on the topic of relationships — I figured I would have to familiarize myself with the 5 love languages at some point. So I got the book this week and finished it moments ago.

I admit I was wrong. This turned out to be an important book that I believe all people should read. Not only will it help you in your romantic relationships, but with all relationships in general (family, coworkers, friends).

Similar to secular self-help books that say everyone has a preferred “sense” in which they tend to communicate best (e.g., visual, audible, tactile), Gary Chapman — the book’s author — suggests that everyone gives and receives love in one of 5 ways (read: love languages). These five languages are…

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Gifts
3. Acts of Service
4. Quality Time
5. Physical Touch

Should you not recognize the love language of your romantic partner, friend, or colleague, you risk building conflict in the relationship through their perceived lack of love coming from you. If the way you choose to show love and appreciation is not the way the person wants or is capable of feeling love, then your efforts are in vain.

For example, if the other person’s love language is Words of Affirmation, all of your sacrificial service or gift-giving is not going to make up for the lack of verbal affirmation the person craves. Likewise, if the other person’s love language is Quality Time, then all of the encouraging emails and bouquets of flowers aren’t going to make up for the lack of love they perceive from the little quality time you spend together.

Right away, I knew what my weakest areas of showing love were… Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. For most of my life, I was very distant in my relationships with other people. I was distant verbally (didn’t often talk, much less provide encouragement to other people), and I was distant physically (wasn’t much of a hugger). And I certainly didn’t like to do acts of service — not even service that acted in my own interest, not to mention others’ interests.

If I was good at any of these languages, it was gift-giving (I love to give stuff away) and quality time (I love to spend time with the people I love).

As it turns out, my primary love language is Quality Time. I both love to give and receive quality time with those I love. I can’t think of a better way to experience the love of another person than having the chance to hang out with that person for long periods of time.

Secondarily, I think I also respond well to Words of Affirmation. I’m not totally convinced about that, as I tell myself I don’t care what other people think of me or what I do — but I’m sure much of that is bravado, and that I really do appreciate it when others publicly appreciate me.

Aside: If someone wanted to make me feel unloved, all that person would need to do is stop hanging out or communicating with me. (Can’t help but laugh at this, given my recent personal circumstances. It explains so much.)

The challenge for me is learning to identify the love languages of other people, then using their love languages to communicate my love and appreciation for them. As I said earlier, I have a lot of work to do in certain areas. The biggest of which I think is Words of Affirmation. I’ve grown up with and around such cynical, critical people that it’s hard for me to say something encouraging to someone without sounding disingenuous to myself. That’s just something I’ll have to get over.

Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis [audiobook]
Interesting retelling of the myth of Psyche and an allegory for fallen man’s view of Christians. I wasn’t personally that interested in the story, especially because it wasn’t a clear, one-to-one allegory, but included lots of complex themes and plot points. Might like it more, if I read the book rather than listened to the audiobook.
Grade: C

C. S. Lewis’s Case for Christ by Art Lindsley
This was the first book on my reading list for the C.S. Lewis Institute’s Basic Apologetics course. I read it in one night, because it’s written in such a quick, easy style. It was fascinating to see how much insight Lewis had on the Christian life — even though the author rightly points out an example where Lewis was wrong about his interpretation of Scripture. Great insight into the theological mind of C.S. Lewis.
Grade: B

Choosing God’s Best by Dr. Don Raunikar
My first exposure to the counter-dating practice of courting. This book took on a much more personal importance to me, because I was/am going through this courting process. The book presents a biblical view of finding a marriage partner, contrary to the modern view of dating. The author explains how dating can be destructive to your future marriage, and how the Bible provides a less emotionally, physically, and spiritually damaging way of finding a marriage partner — which is courting. Revolutionary to my view of love & dating.
Grade: A

How to Get a Date Worth Keeping by Dr. Henry Cloud [audiobook]
An alternative view of dating, directly contradictory to the ideas of courting. Dr. Cloud (best known for his Boundaries books) suggests that Christians should date many people in order to build social skills and eventually find out what they really want in a mate. He suggests going out with people — not because you’re interested in them — but because you need practice interacting with people. Something about this seemed disingenuous to me and very self-centered. Dr. Cloud also had very little biblical backing for any of his arguments. He approached the subject from a very secular, psychological point of view, rather than basing his views on Scripture.
Grade: D

Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is) by Joshua Harris
Excellent exposition of the topic of lust. Joshua Harris talks about his struggles with lust and how he deals with it. Very short, but effective. Every guy should read this.
Grade: A

Wait for Me by Rebecca St. James
I thought this was going to be inspiring, but it rather seemed somewhat childish. Granted, it was written for young adults (i.e., teenagers) by a young adult (Christian musician Rebecca St. James). James is a virgin, who uses her celebrity to champion abstinence — which is awesome. I just didn’t feel as though she was an authority on the subject as I was reading her book, due to her age and “lack of experience.” Also, the majority of her scripture “quotes” were taken from The Message, which is a pretty poor “watered down” translation of the Bible. I just was not into it.
Grade: D

Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship by Joshua Harris [audiobook]
I’m starting to really like Josh Harris’ style. This is an excellent book on courtship (even better than Choosing God’s Best), with more real-world examples taken from Harris’ own courtship with his now-wife. Incredibly good advice for couples pursuing marriage through courtship.
Grade: A

The speaker insinuated that we could attain righteousness through our own efforts. That through training and discipline, we could become righteous and live lives full of joy and peace.

Whatever this ideal life is, it’s certainly clear that people like the Apostle Paul never attained it. Paul clearly wrestled with his fallen nature and never suggested anyone could live a righteous life through their own power.

For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

- Romans 7:18-20

Today’s speaker didn’t mention anything about the limitations of our fallen natures and our total reliance on Christ to sanctify and redeem our lives to prepare us for good works. Want to be righteous? There are no tips and tricks. Ask God to make you righteous. All of your unrighteous living is due to an unrighteous heart and your fallen nature. There’s nothing you can do to change those. You need God to do it for you.

So, instead of telling people that they can affect their righteousness through behavior-modification, you should be driving people to their knees, asking God to make them more Christ-like by changing their hearts, and thus enabling them to do good works and live “righteous” lives. Instead of depending on ourselves, we should be depending on God.

And you shouldn’t set the expectation that people can attain totally righteous lives in a fallen body and a fallen world. That’s not possible. We won’t be capable of that until Christ returns and we have new, righteous bodies.

Like Paul, we should expect to fight a constant battle between our desires to serve God and the desires of our flesh. We will never overcome this until Heaven.

Thank God our righteousness is not based on our own behavior, but is solely based on Christ’s behavior. His perfect righteousness is ours by faith alone. When you find yourself sinning and in the midst of guilt, just have faith in Christ’s righteousness and be grateful that you will always be considered righteous in God’s eyes, because of what Christ did for you.

Thanksgiving is God’s will for God’s people because when we give thanks for who God is and what God has done in our lives, there is no room for jealousy of what others’ have, no room for complaining about what we lack. Even in times of deepest sorrow, there is a joy that rises up on the heart when praise comes even with tears. Thanksgiving makes the heart full of gladness which overflows from our lives and spills out into acts of kindness and generosity. When we are grateful, we cannot help but share our gratitude. And this is the will of God for our lives.

- From “In Everything Give Thanks” by Margaret Manning

A true belief that we are the body of Christ should rule out all jealousy, competitiveness, and comparisons. If a good thing happens to one part of the body, it enriches you as a member of the same body. Ask yourself a question: Would you be just as happy for the Christian in the pew in front of you to receive a spiritual blessing from God as you would be if you received it yourself? If you’re like me, you probably answered no. But I believe that the answer to this question could be a resounding “yes” if we prized the doctrine of the body of Christ. Think of how your joy could be magnified if you considered the good of others your own good!

- From “Called to Thanksgiving” by Betsy Childs

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
- Matthew 11:28-30

The next 90 days will be a lonely time for me. Not to say the past four years haven’t been. But to be so close to having godly companionship in recent weeks makes its imminent absence all the more potent.

I will be forsaking dating for the next three months. Not by choice, but by necessity. And while the prospect of going it alone is disappointing, I am encouraged by the fact that I’ve so recently flourished during a 4-month abstinence of worldly pleasures and can only hope this 3-month time of solitude will yield similar results.

I don’t believe God is done working with me. I think the circumstance I find myself in today is just another test of faith He’s placed in my life this year.

Since May, He has tested my commitment in many areas of life… my material possessions, my finances, my time, my church attendance/membership, my accountability to and fellowship with members of the Church, my struggle with lust and covetousness, my vocation, and my daily communion with God through Bible reading and prayer. One of the last areas in my life that has not been under the authority of Christ has been my dating life. And that seems to be the next step.

Like Abraham, God provided me with my heart’s desire after much prayer and sacrifice. But it was only to show me how He could bless me, if I made Him lord over everything in my life. Today, when He asked me to forsake the very thing I desired most for a season, I felt like Abraham did, when God told him to sacrifice his one and only son, Isaac — the one thing Abraham loved most.

I can only hope that I’ll show the same faith Abraham did, when he trusted God and was willing to sacrifice his son in obedience to God. I believe the next 90 days is my time to sacrifice my hopes and dreams and trust God that, in the end, he will provide.

It may seem today like the next three months will be a lonely time for me. But looking at the past year, I’m confident God is eager to use this time to sanctify and shape me into a more effective servant. After stripping away all the distractions in my life, I am forced to turn completely towards God. I have no other option but to spend time in prayer and reading His Word. He’s left me with nothing else.

If I can focus on God, I’m confident He’ll have something abundantly greater than I could have hoped or dreamed for on the other side of these 90 days.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
- Ephesians 3:20-21

I thought this would change once the NFL preseason started. For the first Redskins game of the preseason, I turned my TV on for the first time in 4 months, watched a couple of plays, then turned it off promptly once the first commercial began to roll.

Being away from television programming and advertisements for 4 months has made me very sensitive to the purpose and affect of advertising. I couldn’t even stand to watch one commercial, because it seemed so contrary to the life and worldview I’ve been establishing and fostering for the past 4 months.

My life this summer has been all about detaching myself from the love of material possessions, living a minimalistic lifestyle, and finding complete satisfaction and fulfillment from knowing and serving God.

The whole point of advertising is to make you dissatisfied with your life. Advertising takes advantage of your materialistic tendancies — the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh, and the pride of life — all things the Bible warns you about.

Advertising promotes exactly the wrong things in life. Especially the advertisements you’ll see during football games. Whether it’s sex, cars, or wealth/retirement, these advertisements have nothing to offer the Christian man or woman, but hindrances to their spiritual walk.

And it’s only after being away from it for 4 months, that I can see advertising for what it is. Which is why I encourage every Christian to take an extended break from television — a “fast” if you will — to break away from the psychological hold advertising has in your life.

Not only will a fast from advertising help you be more content with the life you have, but the absence of television in your life will free up your time for other — more noble — things like family, reading, and prayer.

I didn’t set out to take an extended break from television. But I’m glad it’s turned out that way. I’m going to try and increase this 4-month blackout to an entire year. Yes, that means I’ll miss the NFL season, and yes, that means I’ll miss my favorite shows. But the time I’ll now have for daily Bible reading, prayer, friendships, and family will be more precious than anything television has to offer.

Wherever I am now, it’s definitely not my traditional role of being single. There have been several changes in my attitude and daily routines that scream loudly that I am no longer single.

There’s a joke saying (albeit true) amongst Christian men to “bounce their eyes” when they see an attractive woman who is not their wife/fiancee. Even though I’m not officially anything but single, I do find myself engaging in this practice today. Not only do I feel compelled to “bounce my eyes” at times, but I also feel compelled to “bounce my life.”

I’ve been single for a long time (it’s been 4 years since my last serious relationship). In that time, I’ve learned to be completely open to any and every opportunity to meet women. In essence, I’ve come to view every single woman I crossed paths with as a potential partner. I would be open to conversation and would initiate as many interactions as possible. This is how I became such a social person (as opposed to the extremely shy & quiet person I’ve been all my life).

Whether at work, at church, on the subway, or in the grocery store, I viewed all single woman as potential friends and dating partners. It became second nature for me to strike up conversations with absolutely anyone (except guys, which is a whole ‘nother blog post). I didn’t think twice to initiate.

But now, I find myself going against all of that social programming, as I’m trying to focus on one person. Despite my overwhelming compulsion to greet every female stranger I meet, I’m learning to “bounce my eyes.” Instead of flirting, I’m learning to be completely neutral in my conversations with other women.

I’ve even changed my daily routines. I no longer leave my condo at 8:15 AM, because I typically cross paths with a girl in the elevator, who I’ve flirted with on many occasions. I also don’t schedule one-on-one lunches with single females in the office anymore.

I don’t know what all of this means, other than the fact that I’m waiting to see if one particular “relationship” works out. I suppose it’s good to break old habits now, in order to have a successful relationship in the future.

I just wish there were a Facebook status for where I am right now.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.

Both can be said to justify specific circumstances, but both cannot in fact be absolutely true.

Another apparent paradox exists with these sayings…

Birds of a feather flock together.
Opposites attract.

I say “apparent” because while these both can apply to dating, they can also apply to friendships with the same sex, etc.

However, when it comes to finding a potential spouse, should you be looking for someone who is very much like you (in personality, interests, talents, vocation, and calling?), or should you look for an opposite?

I have never heard concrete, biblical guidance on this subject. But thanks to a book I just finished and the expository commentary of John MacArthur, I discovered this evening that we should, indeed, be looking for an opposite. Seriously, it’s in the Bible.

Then the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.”
- Genesis 2:18

According to Dr. Don Raunikar in his book Choosing God’s Best, “The Hebrew word translated ’suitable’ literally means ‘opposite.’ God’s plan is to bring us a mate who can support us where we are weak and fill in the gaps where our own lives have holes.”

John MacArthur confirms this interpretation in his study Bible: “The words of this verse emphasize man’s need for a companion, a helper, and an equal. He was incomplete without someone to complement him in fulfilling the task of filling, multiplying, and taking dominion over the earth. This points to Adam’s inadequacy, not Eve’s insufficiency. Woman was made by God to meet man’s deficiency.”

So, someone like me shouldn’t be looking for someone who is identical to me — someone who has the same personality traits and interests. I should be looking for someone who would make a good companion and be strong in the areas that I am weak.

This brings up another cliche, though… You complete me. You always hear that you should not be trying to find someone to “complete” you, as you will be codependent. But what’s wrong with codependency? Is that not how God designed marriage? For two people to become one & depend on each other?

After my reading tonight, I no longer fear pursuing someone who is different from me.