Family homework does hearken back to my own childhood, which was besprinkled with wretched diorama projects, year after year. I still remember one assignment that stumped me: creating a model of life in the Alaskan wilderness. It did get completed…but, not by me! In truth, my incredibly crafty mother constructed the entire thing, including an amazing canoe, an igloo, and a lashed together dock with some spears leaning against it.

It was awesome, and I got a great grade. Thanks, Mom!

Sadly, this all comes full circle when you become a parent yourself, most recently for us in the form of Zelda’s bridge project, which required that we build a model and a display board for one of Portland’s historic bridges. She chose the Broadway Bridge.

In real life, the Broadway Bridge is painted “Golden Gate Red”, so we figured we would use red licorice to make our model, since it was already the correct color. No painting necessary! We tested both Red Vines and Twizzlers. The latter I prefer to eat, but they were too soft for the bridge. The former won the day, and after we stiffened it with a little rebar, it was time to build. (Rebar, in this case, was straightened paper clips that we ran through the centers.)

Over the course of many weeks, Tom and Zelda worked on the bridge. When it was finished, they placed it upon piers made of marshmallows. Originally, the project was conceived with footers that were two marshmallows high to keep it all in scale, but within 24 hours, the whole thing fell apart. We had to go back to the drawing board and were, predictably, running short on time. Therefore, maintaining proper scale was thrown out the window. Or, to put it more poetically, we decided that the river was at flood-stage height, and went with the single marshmallow piers that are pictured above. We also added some lateral support to prevent the bridge from falling over.

Yes, we got to build two bridges for family homework!

The display board went a little more smoothly. Zelda hand-lettered a bunch of the labels with single letter stamps, which required a lot of iterations, but the red ink matched the bridge in color and the font looked very “period.” She also was featured in one of the photos of the bridge, which her classmates enjoyed.

At school, she and some classmates even made up a song about the Broadway Bridge, sung to the tune of Oh My Darling, Clementine:

The Broadway Bridge is in Portland,
It would not fit in a fridge.
It is for cars, bikes and walkers,
It is nowhere near a ridge.

It's a double-leaf Rall bascule,
It is bigger than a smidge.
It is painted Golden Gate Red.
Yes it is, the Broadway Bridge!

Needless to say, Zelda participated more enthusiastically in this family homework than my pouty, diorama-hating ass ever did.

First, let me open with a solemn vow that this will be my final Disney post for all time! No, really.

Now, I have not visited a Disney resort since I was a child, nor had I ever been to Disney World (us West Coasters are more fixated on the easier-to-bite-off Disneyland).

Therefore, from a professional perspective, I was very curious to experience Walt Disney’s vaunted service, as the company is generally considered to be amongst the best when people talk about paragons of the hospitality industry. Perhaps my expectations were too high, because I was surprisingly disappointed on many fronts.

WHAT THEY DO REALLY WELL. They are good at what I call the mechanics of keeping the parks running. They move people in and out of rides well, the fast pass system is great, they keep everything spotless, all of the staff are well trained, and there are always people running around dusting and painting.

On a side note, the overly perky employees did drive my oldest a bit nuts, with Zoe saying, “Mom, if Disney is where your wishes come true, then I wish that these people would quit calling me ‘princess’ everywhere I go.”

WHERE THEY DROP THE BALL. We stayed at their top category hotel, in the park, on the monorail. Their rack rate pricing was comparable with other 5 star luxury hotels, and I would have expected an experience similar to what you would receive for a similar price at the Wynn Las Vegas, a Ritz Carlton, or a Four Seasons. Alas, the Grand Floridian was not even close. The myriad ways that Disney dropped the ball:

1. We could make all of our dining reservations up to 6 months in advance, but their online system remained down and we had to do everything over the telephone.

2. We were never able to access our zillion reservations online (each of them with their own 5000 digit confirmation code — ridiculous).

3. They besprinkle their Web site with “WE ACCOMMODATE ALLERGIES.” Thus, we told the resort 3 months in advance that Zelda had nut allergies. Also, once we arrived, we called them again to remind them before our high tea. And, when we showed up for high tea, we reminded the waitress, who still plunked a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in front of Zelda. It took us four restaurant visits before we figured out that someone didn’t put our allergy information in the correct place in their pretty unimpressive computer system, which we finally got rectified. What I find unbelievable is that each time we had a problem, none of the Disney employees fixed the issue.

4. We showed up for a meal having reserved months in advance, for 7 people. When we got there, we were told by the maître d’ that the restaurant couldn’t seat parties of 7. I asked them how their information system could possibly accept a reservation for that amount if the restaurant couldn’t seat us together? He had no good answer and decided to go with rude and unhelpful. In response, I got a little shirty, as I’m wont to do and said, “really, you can’t fit seven people together…can I take a look?” He let me in the room and, lo and behold, there was a banquette of seats against the wall with 3 small tables that could be pushed together. Utterly ridiculous.

5. It was chilly there this winter, but there was really no functional heating…anywhere. It was usually colder inside than outside.

6. They had no wireless Internet available for the rooms. You could connect, for a fee, via Cat5 cable, but even that only worked one of the nights out of seven. Disney outsources their Internet access, so no one who worked for the hotel could ever help or do anything to assist us. They kept referring us to their outside vendor, who was useless. It’s 2010, I’m paying a fortune for my room, I want functional Internet access.

WHERE THEY ARE GOING. As I talked about previously, Disney is in a tough place. They have eschewed really crazy thrill rides for experiential and animatronic rides. Unfortunately, technology is changing at such a pace that it’s hard for them to keep up. If they build a 3D movie experience, for instance, it is outdated within a year or two.

The way they seem to be dealing with this is to offer cool live shows. Hollywood Studios is a prime example. Another of the newer parks at Disney World, it was a family favorite. They had a few real thrill rides, like the Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster that goes from 0 to 60 mph in 2.8 seconds. But mostly, the park is built around live shows, like the Indiana Jones stunt show and the Lights, Motors Action car/motorcycle stunt show. Both were quite enjoyable.

The coolest thing about the EPCOT (Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow) theme park at Disney World was the opportunity to learn how to ride a Segway, and then take a tour around the park before it opened to the public. More on that later though…

First, let me discuss Epcot itself. Frankly, Tom and I found it to be pretty damn lame. It’s a bunch of poorly constructed plaster recreations of buildings from countries around the world. The Moroccan Pavilion was my favorite, and the most authentic because this African nation had its royal designers and tile artists do installations, thus lending it an amazing amount of authenticity — particularly in light of the mashed potato looking Chichen Itza pyramid they have in the Mexico Pavilion.

Honestly, there just isn’t that much to see in this park. Each “country” has some facades and a bunch of overpriced shops. It’s like a walk through tourist traps of the world…(I should be in marketing).

What was cool? The Segway tour. I have always wanted to ride one, and to answer the question everyone has, yes, they are as easy to ride as they appear. It is pretty incredible technology. Having said that, I enjoyed riding it less than I thought in the sense that if my body was going to be outside, upright, and exposed to the elements, I would rather be articulating my limbs and engaging my body in the task of moving myself wherever I wanted to go. We both got really stiff because we were just, well, standing around for hours!

And a big thank you to Aunt Chris for watching the Zs so Tom and I could go on this tour to begin with — Hugs!

Day Three brought the Offermann/Reeves to the Animal Kingdom theme park. Besprinkled throughout this post are Tom’s photos of the wildlife that we spied while on a safari truck that took us on a poacher laden adventure (don’t ask) through the Disney preserve. (These shots came out surprisingly well since they make the trek as authentic as possible by including rough bridges and water filled potholes wherever possible.)

This was by far my favorite park. It was lush and green and actually afforded the visitor a relaxing ambience with fresh clean air, courtesy of the copious canopy of plants. In this location, Disney has concocted an interesting mix of modern rides, shows, and educational content.

We learned about and viewed up close and personal some babirusa or “pig deer,” naked mole rats (a family favorite), pygmy geese, and a pancake tortoise. We also had the pleasure of running into some gigantic bats, watching a hippo running around under water, and even spotted a huge rhino, which I learned has a hide that is about 1 inch in thickness and which they said cannot be penetrated by much in the wild. The guide relayed that the number one threat to the incredibly small rhino population remains poachers supplying the horn to the Chinese, who use it as a traditional medication for fever and convulsions.

I give a thumbs up to the live show Birds of Wonder, which offers a wide array of attention-getting avian performers in action, seen up close and personal. It was popular with the whole family, from smallest to tallest. The other live show we took in was The Lion King, which I give a thumbs down. It was kind of a mini-Cirque set to the music of the Lion King with the worst extras I have ever seen dancing. (The bar aerialist monkeys were pretty good though.)

Ride recommendations include two coasters: Expedition Everest and Primeval Whirl, as well as exciting animatronic adventure ride called Dinosaur.

Our second full day in Florida involved leaving Orlando and heading out to the Merritt Island National Wildlife Refuge, which also happens to be home to the Kennedy Space Center, which is, in turn, the home of the Space Shuttle.

We got an early start to the day (for us), rented a minivan, piled in the whole family and used up my Droid battery getting turn-by-turn directions to the coast. (This may have brought back some bad memories for Peter and Kathy of riding in the third seat of our Dodge Caravan while Tom and I nattered at each other while driving, as couples are wont to do.)

Was it worth it? Totally.

We saw an amazing Imax film on the Apollo space missions narrated by Tom Hanks. There was a Shuttle launch simulator that is supposed to give a great approximation of what it’s like to travel from liftoff into orbit — very intense! Pictured above is the top of one of the Saturn V multistage rockets that sent the moonwalkers into space — it runs nearly the entire length to the back of the open hangar door you can see in the photo. We all got to touch a moon rock. The vehicles that move the Shuttle to the launching pad are amazing and get something like 43 feet to the gallon. The hangar where the Shuttles live can house 4 Statues of Liberty, complete with base.

It was a lovely day that was, in part, inspiring, exciting, and moving…what people can accomplish with so little technology and so much desire is amazing.

On a side note, you can also see some gators, manatees and a ton of bird species in the nature reserve as you are touring the various sites that comprise the high-tech complex. Having said that, I couldn’t suppress a smirk regarding the Space Center propaganda stating that NASA is a great force for natural preservation — let’s be honest folks, launching rockets with the force of a nuclear bomb on a routine basis is not beneficial for wild creatures living nearby.

Our first full day at Disney World was spent at the Magic Kingdom Theme Park, or as we like to think of it, Old School Disney.

The Good. They can work miracles with sparkle paint, black light, and plywood. Evening fireworks (no parade the night we were there) are awesome. We especially marveled at the crazy woman in the role of Tinker Bell, who sailed down a zip line from the top of the castle at the end of the fireworks show. Main Street is appealing at night when it’s crowded and beautifully lit. (Pictured above with Tom’s family.)

The Bad. All of the traditional stuff that I feel nostalgic about from my visits to Disneyland as a kid — It’s a Small World, Pirates of the Carribean, and the Country Bear Jamboree — well, let’s just say that they seem incredibly and hopelessly outdated, both from a technology and content perspective. When three female bears began singing a song about how much difficulty they were experiencing in catching a man, I leaned over to Zoe and said, “How does your mother feel about this song?” Zoe whispered back to me, “you think it’s stupid.” I nodded, proudly. It made me realize that the age at which traditional Disney becomes lame and uncool must be plummeting. (You can see how Disney is reacting to this in their newer content options, which I will talk about in other theme park reviews.)

The Ugly. This prize goes to the Jungle Cruise, which is so bad, it’s almost good. This is a trip on a boat where you gaze upon some of the oldest and worst animatronic animals I have ever seen. Add in a dose of politically incorrect head hunting natives, and it’s really a spectacular train wreck. They have tried to salvage this ride by having comedians work their own schtick on board, making fun of the attractions as they give you a tour. The kids thought the comedian was hilarious, but really didn’t get the whole bad mechanized animal thing.

And lastly, a warning. In trying to upgrade the Tiki Bird show, they have added the character of Iago. Suffice to say, building an entire extravaganza around the blaring voice of Gilbert Gottfried is a horrible idea. I was nauseous and my ears were ringing by the end.

Nothing like waking up at 3:30 am to catch a 6:00 am flight from Portland to Orlando, via Atlanta. As Zelda described us today, in a philosophic voice, “we are a family who are professional travelers…it’s like our job.”

As flying goes, it was pretty pain free. My just-awarded Silver Medallion status on Delta netted us the ability to check two 70 pound bags for free. We were shy of that weight limit, so Tom pointed out that we could go all American and buy a bunch of crap while here, so our new family motto is We Can Buy 40 Pounds of Stuff We Don’t Need! My frequent traveler status also earned us the right to bypass the boarding line, which we took advantage of to ensure that we had overhead bin space. The latter is important now that they are charging for checked bags, of course.

The trips in the air were relatively smooth and both touched down early. Yahhh! No one threw up, spilled anything, and arguing was at a minimum amongst the small and the blond (they really are becoming professional travelers).

After wending our way through the Orlando airport to the Disney Magical Express area, we were greeted by the somewhat creepy vision of an utterly vacant system of human corrals designed to sort and transport thousands of visitors. Our magical bus, pictured above, was half empty. (The girls were mesmerized by the piped in video propaganda, as you can see!)

We wondered, are we the only people going to Disney World??

We arrived at our hotel, the Grand Floridian, and were cheerfully greeted by a bunch of freezing Disney employees bundled in Disney coats. Zoe, who hates being the center of attention, grumbled, “They are very welcoming here.” She did not consider this to be a good thing!

We were reunited with Tom’s parents for the first time since our trips south of the border, and it has been lovely to catch up. Tom’s poor sister, whose flight had been canceled coming out of JFK, did arrive, but not until very late. Unfortunately, her bags didn’t benefit from any Disney magic, making it here the day after she arrived.

Hey, I thought everyone was guaranteed a perfect happy ending in Mouskateerville!

We are t-minus nine hours to lift off and are still packing and straightening. (Who planned a cross country trip leaving at 6:00 am anyway?)

We get up at 3:30 am. Girls will rise at 4:00 am. Cab comes at 4:30 am. We have checked into hotel and flight, with the added bonus that we won’t have to pay for baggage because of my Silver Medallion status! Hooray.

We will arrive in Orlando, via Atlanta in the late afternoon armed with our layers and layers of paperwork.

Disney’s Magical Express. This is the service where Disney takes your luggage directly from the plane and transports it to your hotel room — you never touch it. We have special tags we have to put on our suitcases and they are to “magically” arrive without our assistance. We are somewhat nervous about this. The Magic Express also will effect the transport of our persons,

Dining Confirmation Numbers. Disney has this crazy system where you can make your reservations 180 days in advance of your stay, which people actually do. If you are going to have a party of 7 (as we will since we’re meeting Tom’s parents and his sister there), and you want to eat at a reasonably decent restaurant, you have no chance without a reservation. This certainly complicates things because it means you have to think about your entire park plan so you can be sure to make it to your reserved dining spot.

Walking Maps. For a fee, you can access optimized walking maps of all of Disney World from the crazy folks at Touring Plans. These guys have traversed all of the parks and figured out the best days and hours from which to approach them to minimize waiting times. You can get plans for demographics that range from small kids through to retired folks, or combinations thereof. We selected the tween walking maps and pretty much planned our entire week’s stay months ago just so that we could reserve our dining! We have a printed version in hand and pdf versions on our iPhone and Droid.

Rental Car. We are going to visit the Kennedy Space Center on one of the days, so we have reserved a van that will hopefully carry all 7 of us! Can’t wait to use my superior Droid GPS turn-by-turn driving directions.

We have overpacked (the weather has been crazy cold up until this week), are feeling righteous for cooking a fresh Minestrone soup today, are watering the ficus tree of love, are desperately searching for sun screen, and are making sure we have all of the crazy electronic devices that follow us everywhere now, including requisite chargers and cables.

Wish us luck!