How to Help the Members of Your Family Cope with the Loss of their Best Buddy

Our buddy got tired. He would have turned 14 on November 6^th. He had the worst dog breath of any pet in the history of the world, but he was adorable, a best friend to each one of us, and we will miss him.

He had a stroke in the night a few weeks ago. I took him to the vet and they said, “It’s his time to go. He’s lived a good life.”

I’ve known for a while that he was at the end of his days, and I certainly didn’t want him to linger in pain from sore knees and other old age problems. But it was hard, very hard.

Winston was our first kid. Rob and I got him a year before we had Maddie, so he lived as our only child for a time, fully bonding with us, learning to trust and love us. He was just a little white fur ball when we got him and was very docile and compliant, until we had Maddie. He was afraid of her little baby cries at first, but a switch flipped once he realized this was a “puppy” that the three of us were supposed to protect with our ferocious barks. From that day on, when anyone would come to our door or walk into our yard, he would bark and bark, terrifying the guest with his less than one-foot tall ferocity.

He was such a good buddy to our girls. Seeing him go was one of the hardest things that has ever happened to our family. If you have loved and lost a pet, you know what I mean.

Since that very sad day, the girls are each handling their grief in their own way, and much differently than I had anticipated. The morning Winston got sick, the older two girls knew right away that something was very wrong and were able to say goodbye to him before school. I was truly grateful for the support their school offered through a counselor and good friends.

Belle went right to her room when she found out after school. She did not shed a tear, but wrote and illustrated an entire book dedicated to her best buddy. The book is full of pictures of her memories with him running, jumping, laughing and playing. I was grateful again for her wonderful first grade teacher for allowing Belle to show her book to her class the next day. Her teacher even took time out to discuss losing a pet with the class. According to Belle, there was a conflict about which was “more sadder”: losing a pet fish or a dog. Most of the class settled on “dog,” except for the one who lost the fish.

The older girls took the loss of their buddy very hard. He’s been their one connection to their early childhood days which bring them so many fun memories. They have each other, but Winston was their other best buddy. Their sadness has been sort of lingering since that day, and we talk about it as we can.

Some Advice

Each member of the family has dealt with the sadness of losing our dog in different ways. Here is what we have learned from this experience and some advice I have to offer if you or someone you know loses a pet:

Don’t think you know how they will respond.

This is a new loss with new circumstances. Let them grieve how they will. Every person in the family is different and will experience grief in their own way.

Talk about great memories right away.

The funny stories we share at dinner about our old buddy always make us laugh and cheer us up.

Treasure their memories.

However they express it, let them know their grieving process is special and important. We hung up the book Belle drew for everyone to look at. It makes her feel proud and included as an important member of the family.

Give space to kids who aren’t as verbal.

If they don’t want to talk about it, don’t make them. Let them have quiet time if they need it. For our oldest daughter, quiet is what heals her sadness.

Let them know this is a part of life.

Most importantly, and most obviously, let your kids know you love them and that this is the natural part of living and dying. No matter how they feel – angry, sad, frustrated or lonely – let them know you are there for them and will help them through it. A gentle hug and the comforting presence of a loved one will go a long, long way.

It’s official! I’m a Barnstalker.  A Barnstalker is someone who owns an iPhone and makes whoever is driving in the car or riding along in the car while THEY are driving pull over to snap a photo of a rustic old barn somewhere on some country road.  I’ve found lots of neat old barns within just a few miles of our house.  Here are just a few of my faves.

I took and edited all of these pics with my iPhone 4 and shared them first on Instagram.

So, where’ve I been? Why haven’t I been blogging a few times a week lately?  Well, I’ve been just a little bit busy.  Miss Isabelle had her tonsils and aednoids taken out last week and has been recovering at home.  She’s doing a bit better every day, but it has been a long healing process for her.

On top of caring for Belle and our regular family routines, I have had the awesome opportunity to babysit for sweet little Ava. She’s an adorable little friend that I get to babysit 3 days a week.  Belle adores her, and so does Ellie, our dog.  Ava enjoys all the attention and she has been so much fun for all of us.

Needless to say, I’ve been busy. It’s been great fun having a little baby around. I think Belle will most likely get to go back to school the beginning of next week and I’ll lose my little helper. She makes baby Ava smile, giggle and do the funniest belly laughs.

As for Ellie, she loves to snuggle up next to Ava and bring her all kinds of toys. She wants to be right next to her every second, and growls at me if Ava cries.

So yep, it’s been busy, but great. Our house is overflowing with cuteness.  Every day is a blessing and I’m loving life more than ever.

Saturday Rob and I laid down the law and told the girls it was “family day”, and we were going out adventuring. Two of them grumped and groaned, wanting to stay inside where it was warm. Since the sun was shining, we decided to brave the cold anyway and head to Silver Beach in St. Joseph, Michigan.

The second we got there, everyone was completely glad we decided to do it. The waves were so beautiful and the ice and snow were so brilliant. My foot and knee went in the icy cold water at one point due to deceptively solid sand-ice. I felt like Bear Grylis in Man Vs. Wild. All my training from watching his show kicked into gear…which pretty much meant I went back to the van to warm up my poor soaking wet, icy cold foot.

While I was warming up, Belle fell for the old “sandy ice” trick and her fuzzy pink boot went in. The older girls had to rescue her boot while Rob returned her to the van with his glove on her bare foot.

We laughed and laughed, and had a great time together. We all got some fabulous pictures. Then we got some ice cream…because we weren’t cold enough already.

Sometimes venturing out and doing something like this is all it takes to remember why we really love to be together, and what makes us family.

Indeed, a family that freezes together laughs together.

We love to spoil our children. We love to give them more than we had when we were kids. We love to see their smiles on Christmas morning when they open exactly what they wanted and patiently waited for all year long. We love to give them presents and rewards for good behavior. We love their heartfelt thanks and childlike wonder when they look under the Christmas tree and see piles of presents just waiting to be opened and loved.

At most houses on Christmas morning, there are hugs and kisses, thank yous and hot chocolate, and sugary candy canes on the Christmas tree.

Then comes the week after Christmas. And the week after that. The new toy loses an arm after finding itself in the middle of a sibling war, becoming chipped and marred from being thrown into the middle of a living room WWF cage match.

Two weeks after Christmas, your darling little “Sweetness” is sticky and angry and demands you go get her a new dolly that will not break like this one did. It doesn’t matter that you waited for hours in the cold on Black Friday.

You’ve all heard (and probably used) the expression, “Eat your beans. Kids in China are starving and would die to have just one bite.” You rolled your eyes at your mom, and I am sure your kids roll their eyes just as successfully as you once did. But you don’t buy into it. You make them eat their beans, to teach them to be grateful and appreciate what they have. And because beans are good for them.

We live in a country that is one of the richest nations in the world. The person living in the greatest poverty in the U.S.A. is richer than the poorest in the urban slums of India.

So, parents, think about it: will qualities of generosity, appreciation, gratitude, joy and wonder be developed if we think our job is to make sure all of our kids desires get gratified and immediately? That’s not our job. Our job isn’t to make our kids eternally “happy.” It’s to help them grow up to be pleasant, grateful, giving, hopeful adults that have respect for others and themselves. Giving them lots of stuff whenever they want doesn’t build character. Teaching them gratitude does.

Here are some things we do as a family to keep our kids from turning “Spoiled” into “Rotten”.

• We don’t give gifts to our children unless they do something that deserves a reward or it’s Christmas or a birthday.

• We take negative behavior seriously and take action when someone’s attitude needs an adjustment.

• We practice gratitude to the extreme. “Please” and “thank you” are some of the most important and frequently repeated words at our house.

• We give. We find others in need and give them whatever we can to help. We do this materially, financially, and in offering of our friendship to people we wouldn’t normally include in our circles of friends.

• We Spoil our kids with hugs, kisses, and encouraging words. They need these confidence builders more than they need more stuff.

Get out the duct tape, put the dolly back together again and save her for a rainy day WWF living room cage match. Your spoiled, but not rotten, kids will thank you someday.

Tips from Other Parents

I only buy gifts (as in “wants”) for birthdays or Christmas, or if they really rocked a tough thing at school. I know too many parents that buy gifts all year long… phones, iPods, DS, anything they want, and then at Christmas they try so hard to make it special (as if it isn’t already). The kids are like, what are you getting me next?? Also, when my kids want to spend their own money, we go look at stuff then I make them wait at least two days to actually purchase it. ~ Cheryl

We teach our kids to share. We were blessed to be a blessing. My kids have been donating toys, food and time to others right here in our own community for as long as they’ve been alive. ~ Heather

My parents always made sure we kids had what we needed, especially my dad since he was a Holocaust survivor. He wanted to make sure we had enough of everything. Our parents did a great job of balancing this with performing good works for others. My parents were always ready to help someone in need. I hope I turned out okay. ~ Helene

This article appears in the January 2012 issue of The Family Magazine of Michiana

For the beauty of the Earth

For the Wonder of the skies

For the joy that came to Earth

Over and around us lies.

Lord of all to thee we raise

This our hymn of grateful praise.

Instead of sending out Christmas cards with a nice family letter, I usually do an end of the year recap post of highlights from the past 12 months. Thanks for following along and your encouraging and heartfelt comments along the way! I deeply appreciate it.

• In January of 2011, Our book Share the Well came out! We were (and are) so excited to see this project come to reality.
• I saw some whales. It was truly a dream come true.

• February I took some time to focus on writing about PAIN. Not fun, but necessary.

• In March, Whitney got to play “Wicked Witch” in Shrek at her school.
• I wrote a short blog post about the book Heaven is For Real. It continues to get more hits per day than any post I have ever written about anything ever.  It’s truly crazy and unexpected.

• In April, we celebrated Whitney’s 11th birthday.
• We also remembered Good Friday in a  meaningful way in a special service at GCC.
• We also had the amazing privilidge of spending Spring Break in Chicago, saw Blue Man, and had our photos taken with the fabulous Brittani Renee.

• In May we celebrated my 38th Birthday.
• Isabelle rode her bike without training wheels for the first time, marking the end of the “little kid” era in our household. A bittersweet moment for me.
• Maddie was allowed to invite “a few friends” over for an end of the year school party. The “few” turned into about 40. It was crazy, but lots of fun. Rob and I felt like the youth pastors we were for 10 years. Glad we had lots of practice with large groups of middle schoolers.

• In June I took some neat photos of Belle during a lightning storm. iPhone photography has become a pretty central passion and focus of mine this year.
• We sent Whitney off to her first year of middle-school camp. This was Maddie’s second year, but first time at Springhill camp.  She came home with a broken arm. Camp is all about making memories, right?

• We spent part of July in Branson Missouri. It was hot. It was fun. We are glad we saw a new place. Whitney had been growing her hair out for months for Locks of Love and decided it was time to donate it to some precious soul.

• In August, we enjoyed our last days of summer .
• We went blueberry picking – I actually enjoyed some of those frozen blueberries today!

• September brought some beautiful trees, so I took some more pics.
• Our house filled up with large numbers of kids every day after school, making it pretty crazy, but lots of fun

• Maddie turned 13 in October. We spent a very special weekend away in Chicago together.
• The girls got amazing reports from their teachers.
•  And probably one of the most sad things that the girls have ever experienced–our buddy and 14 year old dog Winston died.

• In November I finished reading my 100th book of the year.

• In December, my Grandma Blom went home to be with Jesus and the rest of her loved ones that have gone ahead of her. It was very sad, but a blessing to those who have watched her suffer for the past 14 years.
• I posted my 16 favorite photos from 2011, and wrote about how I make the time to read in my busy schedule.

Here are a few of my favorite photos that I have taken in 2011.  What’s your favorite? I’d love to hear which is your favorite and why.  Thanks!

I’ve been talking lots about my 100 books read this year. As of today, my Goodreads.com page says I’m at 110 books, but who’s counting?  The question I have gotten the most is: How in the world do you find time to read?  The question is a good one, relavant, but always makes me scratch my head in wonder.  My question back is usually, “How do you find time NOT to read?” I honestly can’t imagine not reading, so it is perplexing to me. With so many free books available through the library, Kindle, e-readers, etc., reading has become more available than any time in history.  I’d  say 70% of the books on my list were either from the library,  free on Kindle, or less than $5.

With all of that said, here are some things I do to fit reading around my day .  my day around reading.

• After all three girlies are on the bus, I sit with a cup of coffee and read before I start my daily activities.
• I carry my Kindle with me in my purse so I can choose the “text to voice” option through my van radio.
• I wear headphones while shopping so I can listen to a book. This has made the whole shopping process a whole lot more fun. I hate shopping.
• I take a little bit after lunch and before Belle gets off the bus to read.
• If the book is really interesting, I literally carry it around the house with me and read a few paragraphs as I’m emptying the dishwasher, folding laundry, or vacuuming.  Yes, this is all possible.  :)
• I read before bed.

That’s it. Reading is super important to me, so I make it happen.  Does that answer the question?

When we were growing up, my Dad would from time to time threaten us with “showing thousands of slides from his childhood”.  He would especially do this if we had a boyfriend or girlfriend over. He would then proceed to pull out his ancient slide screen and literally thousands of barely perceptive slides from his childhood.  They were faded images from birthday parties, Christmas celebrations, and random kids from his family-like neighborhood in Roseland, Chicago, Il.

This week he got a gadget that transforms old slides into digital copies. I have been amazed and almost overwhelmed at the qualitiy of photos and how it has impacted my memories of my Grandma and Grandpa Lanting.  Most of these photos were taken in the 40′s and 50′s. They are people and places that I have heard about all my life, but seeing them in such amazing full color has been really fun.

Did your parents have a slide projector too? Pretty amazing what can be done with them now!