That leads me to the simple statement that I just don’t like life lately. I feel like I keep getting thrown these minor curve balls and it’s just enough to keep me struggling without being obvious about it. I’m progressing in my friendships at work and had planned on going out with a group of them on Thursday night and I was scheduled to close and I rarely am scheduled closing shifts. I’ve tried to swap with a coworker or give it away, but I’ve had no luck. I thought things were going well with bills and then I find out that unless something is taken care of by me or auto-deduct, it’s not being paid and apparently the ex just can’t handle living on a budget so things are constantly behind, even though he keeps adding on to his expenses. This is the biggest reason this divorce needs to be finalized so I can completely separate myself from his irresponsible ass and get my life on track.

A life that I’ll pretty much be starting from scratch. It’s looking like I’ll end up moving back in with my parents once the lease is up here. It’s proving difficult to find a room to rent within a decent distance of work that provides me a decent walking distance and/or access to the bus. Affordability is no concern in this ear, it’s availability and transportation. God, I miss having a car at my disposal.

I was chatting with my friend, Nessa, and she brought up how fortunate I am to have my family to always fall back on and it’s so true. There’s been no amount of help and support I’ve been denied from them for most of my life and it’s definitely been true since getting the divorce papers and being screwed on virtually everything that’s been tied to my marriage. It prompted me to realize that I’m stuck going back & forth between feeling so damn grateful for what I do have that others don’t and feeling sorry for my super shitty situation.

On a different note, the annual family vacation to the Silver Lake Resort is approaching very quickly! That’ll be a great getaway without having to worry about anything. I seriously can’t wait. I’m starting to feel more optimistic already. Time… Time heals all… I just have to remember that sometimes.

Book

I suck at reading. By that, I mean, I have reading ADD. I’ll crack open a book and read on the toilet and have complete intention of actually reading the whole thing, but it ends up taking me over a year to get around to it. For instance, The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown is what’s currently on my toilet, but I let my magazines distract me. I’ll let that book be my favorite since it’s the only one that has gotten any attention from me.

Song

Shoooot. I’m not sure if I’m confusing what song(s) have been drilled into my brain because suddenly the whole world caught on and it was the most shared video on my Facebook feed (Somebody That I Used To Know by Gotye), but I actually really fell in love with “We Are Young” by fun.. Blame Glee. They introduced the song to me and once an official video of the original came out, I was in love with both version.

Movie

I don’t see a lot of new movies. I think the last one(s) I saw in theater was Breaking Dawn & The Three Musketeers in a drive-in in Santee¹. I have been trying to watch more movies via Netflix and other methods. I think the one I’ve liked the best that I’ve seen this past month was Sense and Sensibility. I have a certain love for period movies like that.

TV Show

I watched & finished up My So-Called Life series². It didn’t help my raging Lady Boner for Jared Leto and it made me remember how angsty middle/high school was and for that, I felt embarrassed. I also had hair in similar cut & color as Claire Danes’ from the show, and I think when people have said I look like her, I’m pretty sure it was from that era.

YouTube Video

Game

I didn’t play any games last month. Truth. Well, I do kill time during smokes and before I fall asleep with solitaire and Sudoku on my phone. Those would count, right? The only games I play are by default the favorite, right?

Bath & Beauty Product

I really love Cover Girl Lash Blast 24 Hour mascara. It makes my eyelashes look awesome and it stays put if I happen to tear up/cry… Which has been happening a lot after I put on eye shadow, for some reason.

Article of Clothing

I bought a cute black top from Old Navy that has a few buttons along the tops of the shoulders and I like it a lot. I haven’t worn it more than once or twice, though.

Drink

Sparkling water. It hydrates AND is carbonated AND is calorie free. Winner!

I haven’t blogged because that means I have to actually think about my life and then I start having minor panic attacks on the inside. Things aren’t serious enough for them to manifest outside of my mind and chest, but I might shed a tear or two. You mean I have to think about the state of my relationship with my (ex)husband? Ew. Or how about the fact that I find my cat so damn annoying lately? I’m plagued by a lot of negative thoughts the past couple of weeks. I’m definitely on a downswing and it seems to coincide with others – or I just shines through more so than anything positive others have to say. There have been an inordinate amount of break-ups the past few weeks, though. That’s sad. I really don’t want to turn this return into a bitch fest, though, so…

Back in mid-April I visited friends & family in L.A. and I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain for the first time in YEARS with my brother and his girlfriend. It was great. They’d just opened the park to weekday use and for being so early in the season, virtually every coaster that was open was walk-on. For having spent so many years having not been on a roller coaster, that was damn amazing.

…

I think I should trademark the heavy sigh. I seem to do it even unintentionally and people wonder what’s wrong. Now that my mind’s gone blank, I’ll just leave this post at… The End.

It all started with the initial 8 deals, give or take, that were updated every weekday. Then they expanded to weekend deals. Now it’s really exploded into so many deals, I think I’d go broke if I tried to go after all of the things that interest me! Seriously. I have to convince myself that I really want and/or need something to keep myself from playing on the convenience and BARGAIN of all the NoMoreRack has to offer.

The last items I purchased were a couple of silver rings with Swarovski crystals, which you can see below! There’s something for everyone and a lot of something. Women, kids, men, electronics, kitchenwares, home improvement, clothes, make-up, jewelry, toys… I mean, it goes on and on. What’s even great is that you can get things for FREE and all you have to do is pay for shipping! Also, if you happen to have a lot of friends or contacts, having them referred to the site by you can help you earn something free, as well! There’s really nothing to lose by having NoMoreRack.com as a homepage, like I do. Well, except for some extra cash that might have been burning a hole in your pocket

For one, the ex hasn’t been his typical awesome self. Ignoring me for days on end, if not an almost an entire week, and subsequently leaving me without transportation, save for my own two feet and the kindness of Jess and a few other guys on the random occasion. I honestly can’t complain too much about having to walk, primarily to work and back, since it’s the only real exercise I really get lately. I even bought a new pair of walking/running shoes to help with the aching feet, since making the 15-20 minute trek to and from in my work shoes wasn’t working out. Yes, I have other pairs of shoes to make due, but aside from a pair of running shoes I’ve had since I before I was out of the military, they weren’t too great for my feet in that respect either. They’re really light and ever-so-slightly put a literal bounce in my step. It’s kind of amazing how I forget what a good pair of shoes can feel like!

I had my first wax a few weeks ago. Not just any, though, but a full-on Brazilian! I was actually amazed that the part that I thought would hurt the most, didn’t at all! I also got a great deal for being a first-time customer. The price to maintain the wax is fairly steep at the place I went to, but I may keep it going for at least a little bit to see if it what they say is true if you keep waxing. I’m talking about the hair growing back slower, it being less painful, the growing back less itchy & annoying vs. shaving, etc. I was kind of sad that I didn’t get to put the landscaping to use, though, LOL. What a waste. It was amazing how smooth I felt and NAKED!

My best friend here, Jess, is moving about 40 minutes away, to the north. When she told me, it brought tears to my eyes on a night I already felt bad. She works closer to where she’ll be living, but she still has school down here, so I won’t NOT see her, but I definitely won’t be able to see her as often as I was, which makes me real sad.

I had a night where I had a pretty bad anxiety attack. It was brought on by learning the ex had blocked me from Facebook and he had started ignoring me completely and I was trying to figure out what to do with the divorce situation, as well as myself and how I’m going to live my life after it all. Needless to say, there are a LOT of things I need to take by the horns and tackle to get started. I think it’s a little more difficult for me since I don’t have a deadline to stick to. I think I’m motivated more by deadlines as it forces me to get things done. It didn’t help me in school, but with actual life responsibilities, it feels like a different story. One of the things I’m going to try and achieve is getting on full-time status with my job. There’s a lot of free time that I could do without having and I could definitely do with the income, especially if I’ll be living on my own in the near future!

As for other random things I’ve been thinking about, mostly prefaced by “Why…”:

• … did I consider it a good idea to stay up until 6 in the morning today? It is my weekend, but I still will never really enjoy being awake while the sun rises.
• … do I get myself into the strange situations with boys that I do? There’s been nothing bad, just awkward and not conducive to becoming a stronger, wiser individual.
• Should I let Gunny continue to try and annoy the hell out of me in attempt to get me to feed her or give in? Eh, it’s time for another feeding, anyway. Give in, it is.
• … did I think it wouldn’t be so cold out when I decided to have the rare at-home cigarette? As a person with experience in weather forecasting, I should know that the coolest part of the day is in the early morning hours.

One thing I would really like to do is get check-ups across the board. Girly bits, general health, and in particular, my tonsils! I have a hell of time with them being swollen so often, and that’s on top of them being larger than normal anyway. I also have problems with tonsilloliths¹, especially since they actually cause some bleeding when I managed to dislodge them and I’m sure they don’t help with my breath. Talk about some appetizing conversation for breakfast, huh? I don’t get large ones like some of the examples provided on the wiki page, but they’re numerous and it’s not fun.

Everyone has that one show that they watch that they would rather not admit to anyone else. I have a show like that and I feel like I should stand up and announce my name and then admit to the support group that I watch TMZ. I can’t help it. It is absolute trash on a cracker but it is just one of those shows that I like to watch to keep up with the latest celebrity gossip. It is basically like Us Weekly but televised. I am not sure which of those things is worse, that I read Us Weekly or that I enjoy it so much that I also need to watch TMZ to supplement what Us Weekly doesn’t cover. TMZ is the show that I will watch only in the room by myself because if anyone else watches it with me I feel stupid for wanting to watch it in the first place. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Everyone has a show like that. For you Maryland people check out your directv baltimore guide to watch TMZ and make the judgment for yourself.

Everything changed when I transferred to the 2nd high school. It was 30+ minutes away and in order to get there before I was able to get my license, I had to take the school bus. Since L.A. is full of so many schools, the only way to get bused to one that wasn’t considered your “home” school, you had to be enrolled in the magnet program. At this school, it was an environment & agricultural science magnet. A huge departure from my passion. It had a smaller school population and I actually felt at home. I developed a pretty big amount of school pride, regularly attending football games and even a homecoming dance. The school was old enough² that there were wooden and aluminum bleachers. I became a bit of a big fish in a little pond and I became a big part of the theatre program, which wasn’t hard since it was relatively small compared to my former school. I’m absolutely happy that I made the decision to transfer.

As a part of the magnet program, I had to take an Introduction to Agriculture class before I could take any more specialized classes³. This involved a little bit of everything, including pet waste stations that weren’t so much for pets as they were for farming animals. Actually, a lot of the farm animals were considered pets by the owners, even if they ended up being sold off for butchering at the end of the year at a fair. The waste was typically recycled into manure which was used on the vegetable and plant garden that took up a large part of the “ag area”. You could definitely smell the animals! My “pet” wasn’t as noticeable scent-wise. I had a worm farm. Yup. A worm farm.

I have always been terrible about waking up late and putting things off until the very last minute. I remember when I was in college I was especially bad about this. To make things worse, I had a friend who was in a lot of my classes and would do the same thing that I would. Wake up early and study for a test after cram studying for days because I hadn’t been doing what I was supposed to be doing in my classes all along. This week, I had a relapse in this poor behavior. I had to make a code book for work and I had been putting it off. The day before it was due I got started at eight o’clock the night before. I was tired by twelve and told myself that I could play on Facebook using my 4g internet for a while and just wake up in the morning and finish it. My alarm clock went off way too early and I dragged myself out of bed. Of course, I was racing to get it finished. I finally got it done and headed to work. Whew, get it done was a relief, but also caused me a lot of unnecessary stress. When am I ever going to learn!

According to some of my Facebook friends, though, I wasn’t the only one who experienced poor customers today. It seemed like something was in the air today.

After all of that, I wanted to decompress with a certain vice. While I would normally aim for going to a bar to get a good buzz going, that’s not what I was really wanting. Unfortunately, I don’t really have a go-to source for the type of… uh… exercise I wanted :lol: Damn.

I made the trek to and from work on foot today. While it sprinkled a tad initially on my way home and was pretty damn cold, too, they weren’t bad walks. I treated myself to a hazelnut hot chocolate from Starbucks on my home, 1) because I have a gift card kind of burning a hole in my wallet and 2) it would help keep my hand(s) warm for the last half of my walk. I should’ve gone for an espresso drink, though. Coffee brings me peace, as weird as that may sound. While I may be energized after I’ve finished drinking it, in the mean time, it just calms and kind of centers me. I definitely could have used that after work.

Jess picked me up after class tonight and we went to Target, followed by going to her house where she grilled some steaks and I made potatoes au gratin. It was pretty damn delicious and it was the perfect answer to the everyday question of “what am I going to have for dinner?” I have stuff to cook, but the meat that’s been in the refrigerator has turned brown so I think I’ll have to throw it out and everything else is frozen. Now I’m home, with a decent amount of sleep in my eyes, but I have stuff on my mind that I wish wasn’t there. The kind of stuff that just sits there, torturing me. It’s not bad per se, but it definitely doesn’t make me feel good. Ah, crushes… Yup. Stupid crushes.