However, living in NYC does have one major setback: I’m always broke. Here are some sure-fire methods to keep a little cash in your pocket while living in the hustle and bustle of New York.

1. One great way to save money is to take the train. At $2 a ride, you can’t beat the good old MTA. Plus you aren’t only getting a means of transportation, you’re getting an adventure. Between the rats, the homeless people, and the questionable urine smell you’re in for loads of fun!

With a cab you’re paying $15 to have some cab driver make awkward small talk with you, while plowing down pedestrians, and taking the longest possible route to get you to your destination. But in the subway you get a show with performers from magicians to crack-head drum bucket bands. And what is that delightful hip-hop song playing? That’s the music from the iPod of the person sitting next to you…enjoy!

It’s not unusual in Manhattan to go into a bar and pay for a $9 beer. You may be asking yourself, “How does a New Yorker get their drink on and their smoke on but not run out of money before they go home with someone to poke on?” I’m glad you’ve asked:

2. Most fun things in the city don’t start until 11pm at the earliest so get your drink on ahead of time. “Pre-Partying” is what we crazy kids call it. If you want to increase the crunk factor, skip dinner. You’ll be wasted in no time!
3. Ladies, don’t be afraid to show a little cleavage. Sure, giving sexual favors for a cocktail is considered “slutty”. However, there’s nothing slutty about offering sexual favors for a cocktail. You’re just being a tease!
4. Also, (and I can’t stress this enough) only take the amount of money that you’re willing to spend and don’t bring a credit or A.T.M. card with you. The only thing worse than a hangover after a long night of drinking is finding your A.T.M. receipts after a long night of drinking.
5. Smoking in the city is just plain expensive– a pack of cigarettes costs $8. That’s 40 cents a cigarette, and yet people think that New Yorkers are going to be good Samaritans and let them bum smokes. If you’re standing outside smoking (and you will be outside) and someone asks you if they can have a cigarette, look them dead in the eyes and tell them to lick your balls. If they actually attempt to lick your balls then you can give them a cigarette, because they’ve earned it.
6. But the one thing that sucks up New Yorkers’ money more than anything is rent. To cut down my rent I moved to Bushwick, Brooklyn. Sure, the neighborhood’s dangerous, it takes me an hour to get home, and I wake up every night to the sounds of cars getting robbed. But, it only takes me two paychecks to pay my rent!
7. I’m sure you’re wondering how to find such a steal. Well, look for neighborhoods with high crime rates, high instances of bed bugs, and buildings that are inconveniently located. If a cab refuses to go to your neighborhood you’re on the right track.
8. True, Bushwick is considered one of New York’s “up and coming” neighborhoods. But, I know all too well that only means my time there is limited. I used to live in Morningside Heights in a building where people would actually piss in the hallway. It was ideal! But then whitey moved in, they built a Starbucks, and I could no longer afford it. When it comes to your rent think of Starbucks like chariots in the sky…death is approaching.

The truth of the matter is that if you’re living in New York and you aren’t on Wall Street you’re probably pursuing a dream. Be it acting, singing, or writing for mindfeck a lot of New Yorkers are investing their time in things that aren’t paying their bills. As long as you don’t get your electricity shut off, you are doing alright by me!

How are you cheap in the city?

There are quite a few things you can learn so, in the event that a serial killer, a friend to whom you may have done an unspeakable harm, or any crazy person wielding a weapon is chasing you, you can implement and maybe save yourself from death.

These things may all seem simple enough, but as illustrated by these smart characters in the movies, anyone can become a blundering idiot and lose all common sense. So here’s my list of invaluable tools:

1. Don’t open and close a medicine cabinet. You never know who will appear in that mirror behind you in a split second’s time. You may think you can tell if someone is entering the bathroom and creeping up behind you, but you never know.
2. Don’t back up into a closet. Or for that matter, don’t walk backwards anywhere. The killer is always going to be at the end of that path. I mean, if you walk forward, you probably won’t be walking in the serial killer’s direction now, will you?
3. Don’t take a shower in a creepy house. If weird things are going on in a strange place, your best bet is to NOT get naked and start lathering up alone in a small space where you don’t have any room to maneuver.
4. Don’t split up if you’re down to just you and one other person. If you two stay together, you have someone to fight off the killer as he/she goes after you. Or at least someone there to scream helplessly as the killer proceeds to…you know, kill you.

And finally….

5. Don’t be a supporting character or black. Those are the people who always die throughout the movie. If you’re a main character, you will be saved to be killed last, and by that time, usually an hour and a half after the killings have started, the cops will finally show up and save you.