My first period, I remember like it was yesterday; unfortunately I’m not that young anymore. I’m the oldest of 5 children, so my mother had her hands full with puke, diapers, and other things of that nature. We never really had that “period talk” where she’s like this is a tampon and this is a pad, they are used for this purpose. And my friends never really talked about it, in fact, my one friend didn’t start her first period until high school. I envied her so.

It was the summer going into my eighth grade year. I was on a summer softball team like I had been for the 3 years before that. Never really thought about getting my period, just never entered my mind. Unless I was at my grandmother’s house and she asked me ‘if I’ve had my visitor?’ At the time, that was a foreign question to me, I had absolutely no clue what she was talking about. I thought she was crazy, but my dad put it in perspective for me. Why my grandmother would want to know if I had ‘my visitor’ was beyond me.

It was like any other day, I was putting on my gray softball pants and my teal and purple ‘Hornets’ jersey. And like ritual, I would go to the bathroom right before I left just to make sure I didn’t have to run off the field and find a port-a-potty. Unfortunately, disaster struck at just the most inopportune time. My first period had begun to flow. I was so upset I started to cry. Why had God forsaken me on this very day right before a big game!? I hadn’t the answers and I was so embarrassed (I was a tomboy and didn’t talk about girly things like that) that I didn’t tell my mother about my predicament. Not knowing what to do I rushed into my parent’s bathroom and found my mother’s pads. I saw the tampons, but shoving one of those things up my va-jay-jay was just not in the cards. They scared me. Who in their right mind would shove some cardboard thing up where babies squeezed out? Although later, tampons would become my very best friend. So I grabbed up the monstrosity that is called a pad and I put where instructed.

Okay, when you first put a pad in your underwear it’s the most uncomfortable thing known to a newly made woman. Especially since those nice thin ones weren’t around at the time. The only problem was I wasn’t going to be walking around. I was going to be running, sliding, standing and not going to have the convenience of a bathroom at my disposal for a good couple of hours.

Then off I went to my game. Once the game started I was so scared that something might leak out and my grey pants would be stained red that I would forever bear the mark of the scarlet pants. Although, thinking about it, it wasn’t as bad as when a girl in my 6th grade class started hers at the lunch table and she was wearing white shorts at the time. I guess I wasn’t so bad off.

Luckily the game went well, we not only won, but I had won my first battle of wearing a pad during a sporting event. Excited it was all over and I could finally go home, disaster struck again. Not the kind where the flood gates open, but the kind where my parents didn’t take me to the game so I had to go home with another teammate and we were invited back to another teammates house to go SWIMMING!! Holy hell, God had forsaken me!

I tried to run scenarios through my head on how to get out of this. By the time we reached the house I had figured it out, I didn’t have a bathing suit. There was no way I could go swimming without one. Unfortunately, Ashley had 2 other sisters and there were ample amounts of bathing suits to go around. The only problem was her sisters were younger and the bathing suit didn’t quite cover everything without being stretched beyond recognition.

I knew the commandments of having a period. Thou shall not go swimming while thy on thy period. I kept imaging the plague with the river of blood. I was going to be the laughing stock of the summer softball team and I knew it was going to make its way to the following school year. I was going to walk into that junior high and people were going to point and laugh. I was never going to live this down.

I felt disgusting, as was the situation, putting on her sister’s bathing suit. Luckily, since it was the first day and my body was just getting use to this new phenomenon that it was really barely anything. Nevertheless, I was still scared and didn’t want to make a scene.

I was the first one in the pool. I jumped in and tested the water, floating around to see if anything was going to happen. Ashley and Lindsey hadn’t come out yet so I was just making sure the chlorine was doing its job! And for the first time that evening I was relieved. Not in the, I’m going to pee in your pool relieved, the relieved where I needn’t worry about the river of blood. I had been spared and relief flooded over me.

After the evening had ended I realized I had made it through the first day of my period. Even though there have been many more since then, everyone remembers their first. However, I still pray for the day menopause hits, but then again, I hear that isn’t so great either.

And on a side note, I didn’t tell my mother for months. She finally figured it out when she realized her pads were disappearing as quickly as she was buying them.

However, living in NYC does have one major setback: I’m always broke. Here are some sure-fire methods to keep a little cash in your pocket while living in the hustle and bustle of New York.

1. One great way to save money is to take the train. At $2 a ride, you can’t beat the good old MTA. Plus you aren’t only getting a means of transportation, you’re getting an adventure. Between the rats, the homeless people, and the questionable urine smell you’re in for loads of fun!

With a cab you’re paying $15 to have some cab driver make awkward small talk with you, while plowing down pedestrians, and taking the longest possible route to get you to your destination. But in the subway you get a show with performers from magicians to crack-head drum bucket bands. And what is that delightful hip-hop song playing? That’s the music from the iPod of the person sitting next to you…enjoy!

It’s not unusual in Manhattan to go into a bar and pay for a $9 beer. You may be asking yourself, “How does a New Yorker get their drink on and their smoke on but not run out of money before they go home with someone to poke on?” I’m glad you’ve asked:

2. Most fun things in the city don’t start until 11pm at the earliest so get your drink on ahead of time. “Pre-Partying” is what we crazy kids call it. If you want to increase the crunk factor, skip dinner. You’ll be wasted in no time!
3. Ladies, don’t be afraid to show a little cleavage. Sure, giving sexual favors for a cocktail is considered “slutty”. However, there’s nothing slutty about offering sexual favors for a cocktail. You’re just being a tease!
4. Also, (and I can’t stress this enough) only take the amount of money that you’re willing to spend and don’t bring a credit or A.T.M. card with you. The only thing worse than a hangover after a long night of drinking is finding your A.T.M. receipts after a long night of drinking.
5. Smoking in the city is just plain expensive- a pack of cigarettes costs $8. That’s 40 cents a cigarette, and yet people think that New Yorkers are going to be good Samaritans and let them bum smokes. If you’re standing outside smoking (and you will be outside) and someone asks you if they can have a cigarette, look them dead in the eyes and tell them to lick your balls. If they actually attempt to lick your balls then you can give them a cigarette, because they’ve earned it.
6. But the one thing that sucks up New Yorkers’ money more than anything is rent. To cut down my rent I moved to Bushwick, Brooklyn. Sure, the neighborhood’s dangerous, it takes me an hour to get home, and I wake up every night to the sounds of cars getting robbed. But, it only takes me two paychecks to pay my rent!
7. I’m sure you’re wondering how to find such a steal. Well, look for neighborhoods with high crime rates, high instances of bed bugs, and buildings that are inconveniently located. If a cab refuses to go to your neighborhood you’re on the right track.
8. True, Bushwick is considered one of New York’s “up and coming” neighborhoods. But, I know all too well that only means my time there is limited. I used to live in Morningside Heights in a building where people would actually piss in the hallway. It was ideal! But then whitey moved in, they built a Starbucks, and I could no longer afford it. When it comes to your rent think of Starbucks like chariots in the sky…death is approaching.

The truth of the matter is that if you’re living in New York and you aren’t on Wall Street you’re probably pursuing a dream. Be it acting, singing, or writing for mindfeck a lot of New Yorkers are investing their time in things that aren’t paying their bills. As long as you don’t get your electricity shut off, you are doing alright by me!

How are you cheap in the city?