So, I made the leap.  There were only two shows I’ve missed: White Collar and SYTYCD.  I’m sure I can find them on the internet, but that means I need to sit in front of my computer to watch them.  And, I’m delayed.  And I have to watch commercials.  Still, I’m glad I made the leap.  I have a library of movies at my disposal for having company over.  I watch less TV and what I do watch is commercial free saving me the time of even having to fast forward through them.  And, I’ve watched some things I probably wouldn’t have watched otherwise and quite enjoyed thanks to Netflix’s suggestions.

I think The Boy’s watching less TV, too, though what we’re watching might be less educational, it’s still pretty awesome.  I’ve traded Noggin shows for super heroes.  Noggin shows are available, but I think we’re outgrowing them.  I’m not exactly sure what shows fill the void between Noggin and other TV that has redemptive attributes.  I’m not even sure if there is redemptive TV after Noggin.

Super heroes are essential to boys, I think.  We need adventure, fantasy, some pretty clear good vs. evil stuff at a young age.  We need to want to be as smart as Iron Man/Tony Stark, as good as Superman/Clark Kent, and choose well in moral dilemmas as SpiderMan/Peter Parker.  Somewhere in the back of our head, I think it’s the super hero in all of us boys that ultimately helps us choose to do the right thing, make the hard choice, be better than we thought we could be, and sacrifice ourselves for others.  Yes, the motivation, I hope, is actually based on a different super hero later in his life, but for now, the X-Men and Avengers will make a nice quasi-tangible example.

But, I’ve also traded a nice chunk of TV time for some active Wii play.  The Boy has broken a sweat on numerous occasions and he has a blast.  Plus, we play together all the time… Cooperatively… Versus… practice good winning and good losing… Eventually, I hope we can find more games to play together and connect with on top of the cuddles, wrestling, sports, and music that we already have.  I’m always open to suggestions… and, even better, I’m open to free games that you and yours don’t play anymore!

Anyway, I’m ultimately happy that I made the move.  There are times I wish I could just flip on the TV and channel surf to find something interesting.  But, typically, when the urge arises, I try to do something else.  Work out, chores, catch up, be social… and if couch time is just what I need, then I pick something from the Instant Queue and just watch it.  I would recommend the switch to anyone who needs to save money, time, and be more active.  It’s different, but not bad… just takes some getting used to…

But then a friend helped me realize that you still need to meet that special someone.  And kismet isn’t going to happen on the couch and probably not at the grocery store either.  So, I sat down and thought about how to meet women that I might be interested in dating.  In the end, I realized that I just needed to meet them, one way or another.  But, more importantly, I needed to befriend them.  I wasn’t planning on dating lots of women, as my friend implied he did.

When I really got down to it, what was the difference between friendship and dating anyway?  If you’re not fooling around sexually, then what’s the difference?  You sit close? You hold hands? You kiss good night?  Realistically, that’s about it!  So, if I’m dating for the purpose of seeking marriage, then I shouldn’t need to “date” at all, unless I’m pursuing marriage and I would only do that with one woman at a time!  What I need to do is make friends… just friends.  Hang out, watch movies, do stuff together, but sit on opposite ends of the couch, don’t hold hands, and no kisses.

So, I did that.  The thing is that I, of course, gravitated to the women I wanted to date.  And, to be honest, making that plural is giving myself too much credit.  I gravitated to a particular woman that I was attracted to and wouldn’t mind dating.  So, we started hanging out just as I described above.  And, as mentioned, I was interested in dating, so after a few times of hanging out, I simply asked… and was simply told, “No.”  OK, it was more than that, but the details don’t matter.  Still, hearing “no” actually wasn’t bad.  At this point, I found myself friends with this woman and without any “dating heart” vested, so to speak.  Since the relationship never went deeper than friendship, I just put the idea of dating her in a mental box, packed it up and put it away.  It was actually pretty easy.

With that I was free to continue making new friendships.  So, I tried.  Honestly, not nearly as hard as I tried with her though.  I didn’t persevere like I did with her.  And, frankly, I was still hanging out with her a lot.  And I really enjoyed my time with her.  We talked lots.  We just spent time together.  She challenged me, we fought, and kept being friends.  And talked through it all.  Our friendship felt so honest and true.  I found myself incredibly fond of the relationship.  In retrospect, I wasn’t sure I would find another friend like her, so I don’t think I looked very hard.  And, why should I?  She was my friend and I was her’s… no one’s going anywhere, so I don’t think I tried very hard to make more friends with women.

So, we just kept hanging out.  I recall one evening that was “awkward.”  That night felt different somehow.  We did a fairly normal hanging out for us… a meal… a movie on the couch… talking… laughing… hanging out.  But, it all felt different.  But before you think this was the beginning, it wasn’t.  Nothing happened.  But, we weren’t content letting it sit.  No, we don’t do that.  We talked about it.  “Why didn’t we kiss tonight?”  Ultimately, it was the question we were both thinking and wondering.  And when we asked it of each other, we might have faced the fact that our friendship was growing towards something bigger for the first time.  That box I packed up was taken back out, opened, unpacked, repacked and put back away.  But, it was honest… awkward… but honest and real.  I just figured that if I was going to lose the friendship over the awkwardness, I was at least going to be honest with myself and with her.

But, once again, we remained friends.  Maybe even better friends.  But, the box was put away again.  We shared more moments and continued to hang out.  Still friends, still growing in that… until…

One evening, again, no different from any other particular evening of us hanging out, we had the same feelings we did that one night.  This time, we knew where each other stood.  This time… we kissed.  Naturally, I thought this meant we were dating (see earlier in the post for definitions).  I also thought I knew where she stood.  I was mistaken.  Because in the following weeks, I was “dumped” a few times.  I was confused… and it turns out that she was, too.

Then, one day, in a moment of accidental honesty, more came out than I anticipated.  But, as is the crux of our relationship it seems, it was the catalyst for more honest conversation and, ultimately, a squelching of the fears that plagued us both regarding “officially” dating.  So, here I am.  I find myself in something new.  For the record, I love it.

So, if you’re seeking intimacy in a romantic relationship, then be intimate.  Now, that doesn’t mean your particular thought of intimacy is the same as your mate’s.  While you’re looking for sex, they’re looking for sleep.  So, maybe that means you *DO* something that let’s them get more rest.  Then, not only will they have the energy, they’ll have the desire to be intimate with you in the way YOU want.

If you’re craving passion, then be passionate.  Do whatever it is with heart and feel it deeply.  But, again, know your partner: If they speak the love language of “words of affirmation” and you passionately spend hours and days looking for the perfect gift, it may be completely lost on her.

Lastly, there’s a constant “snowball effect”, I believe, that is ALWAYS in play.  You are either snowballing one direction or another.  Either you’re waiting for the other person to be intimate, passionate, or whatever you need and they’re waiting on you to give them what they need with both of you waiting and growing a part until someone else offers one of you some lesser version of what you need and you take it out of desperation.  *OR*, you’re constantly committing to being giving of whatever the other person needs trusting that they’re going to give you what you need with both of you caring and feeding and growing each other and closer together.  And, if you think you’re standing still, then I promise you’re snowballing away from each other because there is no standing still.

Ultimately, this is about choice and communication.  If you want to be happy, then choose to BE happy even if you don’t FEEL happy… your heart will follow your mind.  And when life’s beat you up and you’re tired and you need some R&R, COMMUNICATE that to your partner!  If they truly love you, they will try to give you what you need to rest and recuperate.   Find out how she wants to be loved best and deliver… tell her how best to love you… and, of course, vice-versa.

Yes, it can be this simple.  You will get it wrong.  Both of you will.  But, hopefully, days, weeks, months, and years of getting it right will make it easy to overlook the mistakes.  Just don’t hold on to the mistakes or you’ll definitely start snowballing the other way no matter how hard either of you tries.  You’ve got to let them go.

Addendum:
To some, it sounds like you’re *DOING* something for selfish reasons, but the reasons, despite some popular belief do NOT matter.  In the case of altrustic actions, the end result is what matters, not motivation behind it.  In fact, for me, if someone doesn’t something they DON’T WANT to do, it means more than the person who does it because they wanted to.  The person who didn’t want to do it had to overcome… move out of their own way… choose to put me above them.  And the person who WANTS to do it probably has a selfish motivation at the core anyway.   Some say that there is no such thing as a truly selfless act… categorically, I don’t agree, but the idea is sound.  Almost all acts ultimately stem from selfish motivation.  So, if you get stuck on the motivation, you’ll never be happy because no one will ever REALLY act altruistically, selflessly on your behalf.  Be happy with the act and forget about the motivation… just remember that the act means that they ultimately chose to give you SOMETHING.  You’d be better off focusing on whatever sacrifice they might have made to give you that something: time, ego, money, energy, etc. and remembering to view the sacrifice through their eyes.  Because, while you think cleaning the house instead of playing video games is *NOT* a sacrifice, you need to remember that the video games are R&R time and he gave that up.  So, we have to get rid of expectations, too.  If you don’t, you overlook the sacrifices your partner makes for you.  You can’t expect him to clean or her to buy groceries.  You should be… you need to be grateful EVERY time recognizing that a sacrifice was indeed made.

I’m excited.  …And a little nervous, though maybe more for the adventure as a whole than any one particular thing.  More than anything, I’m happy to just be on an adventure.  Something that was missing from my past, not in whole, but definitely in part, was the fulfillment of going on adventures.  I think there is a need for most men to have adventures… to risk something… whether it be your heart, health, life, ego, money, or time.  To do it right, I think you have to properly way the risk with your responsbilities (for example, a husband and father should NOT risk all of the family’s savings on some stock market tip).  But, putting your heart or ego on the line typically doesn’t involve much but a little faith.

I realized two days ago that putting your heart on the line is a matter of faith.  Faith that, if you will put it out there, God can and will heal it if it gets broken.

<break>

I had to board.  I’m now at my layover.  Eating pancakes at a Chili’s in the airport.  Odd, but surprisingly tasty.

I was dozing in and out on the plane, but I remember praying a bit.  I was feeling nervous and I realized I was relying on myself again to power through.  That has gotten me so much less than submission in the past… so, i turned to Him.  I felt His peace and the only the advice to “be careful,” but not with regards to my heart, but to others’… “be gentle.”

The next leg of the trip should be quick, and, before I know it, by adventure will truly begin.  I’m not sure I’ll post again between now and the next big “milestone” in my life, which is scheduled in the next few days.  So, now, I’m just happy to be on an adventure, whatever the risk and whatever the cost… regardless, the reward is the adventure itself.

But, it’s almost done and 2011 is here.  With it, I hope to start blogging again.  We’ll see if it’s still an outlet for the mindless thoughts that run through my head.  For now, what I feel like is that my life is, more or less, starting over.  I’m excited… and scared, but choosing to not choose fear.

I’ve grown closer to God, closer to my family, and learned a great deal about myself.  As I look back on 2010, it was a year of growth.  I hope it was a year of preparation.  For what?  For me to live out a life that praises my God.  For me to move on better than I was.  For me to continue to grow.  And, if I’m lucky, for me to meet someone that shares my love of Christ and might be willing to do life with me.

This year, I have no resolutions.  If I haven’t made the change or started making the change by now, it’s unlikely I’m going to simply because of a promise at the beginning of the year.  I’d like to continue growing closer to God, my family, and growing myself.  I hope to continue working out and being healthier (and maybe a little sexier).  I hope to continue being a dad that my son will be proud to call daddy.  And, I hope to continue being a son that my Father is proud to call His son.

My last post was about the man I want to be and the family legacy I want to grow.  The past year has been all about learning how to do that.  While I still have plenty of learning still left to do, I hope that this year will be more about my journey than the preparations for it.  I’ve worked hard to lay foundations in my life to be able to be the man and raise the family I described in my last post.  I suppose only time will tell…

Anyway, one of the exercises is developing a vision.  In my other studies… required readings for work, personal readings, etc., …this idea kept on coming up.  The need for vision to accomplish anything truly great.  The need for vision to have the “abundant life” that God wants to give us.  So, we were asked to examine our values and create a vision for our lives.  I didn’t have the book to guide me, but I felt that I was being called to re-evaluate everything… or maybe, evaluate things for the very first time from the right perspective (that of a disciple of Christ).

So, for the purpose of accountability, I now publish this:

Personal Vision:
To grow closer to God through service, stewardship, prayer, and relationships in my life.

Marriage/Parenting Vision:
To lead with love in action that embodies Christ’s sacrifice and authority so that my family may know God better through my life.

Again, I publish this for accountability.  If my words, actions, thoughts, or anything else in my life doesn’t seem to be aligned with these visions, then I request that you pull me aside and tell me so.  I desperately want to do this.  I’ve never been particularly skilled at acknowledging my own faults, so I am thankful for friends that can, not only find the courage to actually tell me that they’ve seen fault, but how they might suggest I fix it.

I’m surprised at how scary this actually is… to make the commitment to yourself… to make it to God… but to make it to other disciples, to your friends, and even to your enemies… but I’ve also come to desire to be one man, a man of God, no matter where I am or the company I am with.

Lastly, as a part of another study I did years ago, but related, I hoped to create an acrostic that would help my family have an identity.  While, unfortunately, I’m still defining exactly what Australies do (like always have dinner together, or always support each other, etc.), I wanted to define what Australies believe in and strive for (it’s a rough draft and I’m open to suggestions/improvements):

A uthenticity – Since authenticity frees me for a right relationship with God and those whom I love, my life will be characterized as genuinely authentic and transparent. (I John 5 – 10)
U nity – I must be an active member of “the body of Christ.” (I Cor. 12:26-27)
S cripture – In order to protect myself and others from evil, I will take up “the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God.” (Eph. 6:17)
T ruth – God is love. “(Love) does not rejoice in inequity, but rejoices in the truth.” (I Cor. 13:6)
R elationship – *real* (deep, meaningful, growing) relationships with God and with others
A ccountability – “As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.” (Prov. 27:17)
L oyalty – “Thus you shall act in the fear of the Lord, faithfully and with a loyal heart.” (2 Chr. 19:11)
I ntegrity – Since integrity is fundamental to our lives giving glory and honor to God, and since I want nothing more than to be “a man after God’s own heart,” I will live my life with integrity before an audience of One. (Acts 13:22)
E mpathy – I must care deeply for others. “Should you not also have compassion on your fellow servant, just as I have had compassion for you?” (Matt. 18:33)

I find that I would.  I think most people would.  Unfortunately, many are too scared of death to think about it.  But, then, they only live their lives in fear.  But, if you can bring yourself to try this exercise, you might find the relationships in your life that need repair.  You might find the strength in yourself to change.  And, while you don’t have to fix it in one day… because maybe for you both, there will be a tomorrow… but you can start down the path today.  Then, someday… when tomorrow is in question because someone is laying on their deathbed, you haven’t wasted years.

For me, it’s love.  Love is a choice.  It’s the answer to the question of tomorrow.  If my father is on his deathbed, and it is then that I can find it in my heart to forgive him, then it was always in me to do so.  The only difference prior is the choice not to do so.  So, we have to choose love… and it’s not the feeling.  The feeling is just a mixture of others… joy, respect, companionship, etc.  Real love… Biblical love… is love in action… agapé.  The ultimate example: It’s the choice to die on a cross for the sake of your friends.  And, similarly, it’s the choice to forgive your father before he’s on his deathbed.  It’s choosing to do that thing that you would do if someone was on their deathbed even though they’re not.  It’s not easy.  It’s a path.  It’s uphill.  Your burden may be heavy.  But, Jesus did it for you so that you would know that, through Him, you have the strength to do it, too.

The other part we forget, or maybe some of us don’t realize: When we make the choice to do agapé love, it’s then that we actually get the best, most real *feelings* of love… the joy, respect, companionship, etc.  It all comes as a result of us making the choice to love first.  We all look for the feelings first, then hope to be moved to action by the feelings.  While that’s romantic, it’s rare and as fleeting as the feeling.  Choice, however, is always there… so, regardless of feelings, we can still act out of love.

I recall a philosophy exercise from college that I’ve posed to many people and they often don’t see it like I do: The setup is you are sick in the hospital.  Friend A *wants* to come visit you.  Friend B would rather do something else.  Both friends come visit you.  Who’s the better friend?  Most people say Friend A.  I say Friend B.  Friend B set himself aside and chose to do the right thing.  What would Friend A do if he didn’t feel like visiting you?  He wouldn’t visit you.  So, just consider what the world looks like if we just act on our feelings.  We act on whims.  We’re selfish.  We’re inconsistent.  And having a bad day at work affects your relationships after work.  Now, consider if we choose to act out of love.  We always have the ability.  We can choose to be selfless.  We can be consistent.

The sad part is that I believed this for so long, but didn’t live it.  But, we’re not living in yesterday, right?  Today, I choose to love like there’s not tomorrow.  Will you?

Today, I am stuck on a recent death.  A woman passed away recently.  She had cancer.  I didn’t know her well, if at all, really, but I heard stories.  I was told her husband had left her years ago.  So, I lay in bed, wallowing in my pain, and I wonder how sad it is that I think I’m in pain.  This woman must have had it harder than I.  She had three kids, not one.  That alone had to make it tougher, but to be fighting a disease like cancer, where the cures are often as bad as the disease.  I feel bad for feeling bad for my own crap.

I heard another story.  I heard that her husband came back after the years of being apart and, days before she passed, he said he made a mistake and he was sorry.  I’m consumed by the idea that it takes a deathbed to bring us to act like we should.  Obviously, we’re not all like this, but why is it that we change when there’s no more tomorrow (either for us or another)?  If we treated every relationship with this attitude, how would the world look?

Right, so the realist in me knows that acting as if there’s no tomorrow doesn’t work… because, if tomorrow does come and you haven’t planned for it, you may find yourself in a rotten place.  However, how would it look if you thought about each relationship as the other on their deathbed?  Would you tell your dad that you’re sorry?  Would you ask your mom to forgive you?  Would you want to spend more time with your friend?  Would you change your life or your choices?  Would you act differently?

On any given day like this, I simply try to function the best I can on the brink of exhaustion.  Amidst the pain and hurt, it’s hard to not feel angry.  It’s certainly more difficult when I feel lonely.  I know it’s not a good place to be, but I’m not exactly sure how to break out of it.  Trust me, I want to sleep.  I don’t want to have my mind racing and keeping me awake.

If I didn’t have to be at work or be a dad, I might be able to make good use of this time.  I could read or get work done.  But, those aren’t really great options as they don’t help me survive the rest of the day.  Moreover, as a dad, if I’m not nearby, there’s a 50/50 chance that The Boy will wake up about an hour earlier than he should.  If I am nearby, I can get him back to sleep and, for him, ensure a solid amount of rest.

Ideally, I could find some way to find peace and, at least, sleep a little more before The Boy wakes up or it’s time to get ready to start the day (albeit work or church).  So, I thought I’d try blogging.  I’m hoping it will get, at least, some of the thoughts out of my head.

<I wrote for over an hour. It was a big post.  So, I’m separating it and scheduling postings, but it’s all one big post.>