Thirteen years ago on this day, I began a romantic relationship with an amazing woman.  Like anyone our age, we were young.  We were stupid.  We were in love.  We were smitten.  We were dreamers.

But, before I go on, I need to tell you that I write this because it’s important for anyone who’ll care to, to know that I am celebrating today.  And for those who read this, you should know why I’m celebrating.  It’s taken 13 years for me to realize all of the incredible moments that I didn’t realize were so incredible or important at the time.  The best way I could describe it was that I was “sleeping” right through them.  I was oblivious to how important they were to me and to everyone I would touch in my life.  I suppose everyone looks back on their life and can find these moments and have retrospective clarity, but I have a new life with new eyes and I don’t plan on missing the moments still to come “asleep.”  I plan to be awake from now on.  And in this “awakened” state, I want to illuminate you to some of the moments I missed before, but not anymore.

So, we were dreamers.  I had plans to make all of our dreams come true.  I was going to do it all… live the life I dreamed of and, if she would join me, she’d have it along with me.  We’d have success… by every means of the world’s standards, that’s what I’d have.  I knew I could do it.

I know, it’s laughable, right?  So young, so stupid, so naive, so ignorant…

In a few months from now, I’ll celebrate the fact that 13 years ago, I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior.  It is, by far, the most important way that this amazing woman influenced my life.  She gently led me towards Him through sharing her music with me; Through sharing her faith with me in small bits; And simply by inviting me to join her at a week-long summer camp her in which her church was participating.  It was there that I really heard the Good News for the first time and accepted it and began my journey.

Unfortunately, I had no mentors or support to lead me down the path and immediately began rationalizing and justifying the life I had been living… my sinful life.  I didn’t want to change.  Truthfully, I didn’t change for 13 years.  Not because there weren’t attempts to call me to God’s standard, only because I wasn’t listening, I didn’t hear them, or I didn’t care.  Today, I want to take a moment right here to tell you how a single woman, the one I celebrate today, played her role in my life.  Because, although I was asleep and missed it as it was happening, I look back now and see it all so clearly.  I want you to know it, too.

Perhaps most of the moments I missed were directly related to the fact that God wanted me to have a servant’s heart.  He knew that with a servant’s heart, He’d have clay He could actually mold and work with.  Particularly with our joining of newhope Church 7 years ago,  my wife encouraged me to get involved and serve with my talents.  She supported me.  She joined me in service.  But, I didn’t serve with a servant’s heart.  I served, but I did it more out of a feeling of duty than desire.  I often walked away upset or frustrated rather than joyful or fulfilled.  Numerous times, I can recall expressing those feelings and my wife trying to change my heart.  She tried to make me understand what it meant to serve, especially in the church.  I tried to change… what she said made sense and I knew it.  I honestly did try to change, but it was all me… and only me.  I didn’t have a relationship with God.  I was trying to change an already broken, crippled heart that never wanted to change.  And, now I realize that I never had the power to change it by myself.

Still, in this case, I heard the call, I just didn’t respond the way He wanted me to.  He wanted me to submit and my prideful heart wasn’t even going to consider it.  ”I could do it.  I could change.  I can be a great servant for God.”  The word “I” is the problem with all those sentences.  It almost makes me laugh now at how really lost I was.  It certainly makes me sad.

That same prideful heart is the one that got me into so much trouble.  It refused to lose.  It was always sure it could win.  It was pure passion, unrestrained and wild.  But, again, on numerous times, I can remember my wife shutting  me up with a simple statement.  Just a little something that came from her head or heart that I never considered.  And, suddenly, my passion seemed mis-focused or unnecessary.  I was always amazed at how she would do that.  Unfortunately, while my head was amazed, that prideful heart was hurt.  It didn’t know any better and I could never teach it.  I tried, but I couldn’t do it on my own… what’s worse, I continued to spend years trying to do it alone.

Again, I heard the call.  My passion needed to be tempered.  God even gave me a wife who knew how to do it… mind you, the only person who’s ever been able to do it with such efficiency.  Still, I didn’t turn to Him for help.  Even worse, I let that passion tear across almost all of the relationships in my life.  Perhaps, worst of all, I let it tear across my marriage.  Don’t be fooled by romantic movies… passion always brings other emotions with it and if it brings anything other than love, it can hurt.  Yet again, almost unbelievably now, I still didn’t turn to Him.  I was convinced I could do it all on my own.

Now, I recall this one time where it was my prideful heart that hurt the relationship with my parents and, specifically, my father.  I was so convinced that I could build this life on my own that after just some simple advice, my pride was hurt.  My passion tore out with anger and I broke our relationship.  My father and I didn’t talk for months.  Dozens of people gave me advice and words of wisdom, but it was my wife, who supported me through it all, also finally convicted me of my sin.  In retrospect, it was more likely the convictions she felt about the situation that eventually let me hear the loving words she gave me to submit to the idea of me being wrong.  While it was certainly a victory, it was a single battle in a long war where many more were lost.  Still, it was a victory for God and his obedient daughter, even if she didn’t realize it herself, at the time.  Even then, it took me months to submit.  It simply wasn’t anything I was going to do easily.

Speaking of fathers, in the past couple of years, I’ve had the immense joy of fatherhood.  I’ve also had the immense pressures.  With an untempered heart and a selfish heart, my wife was rightfully concerned about my leadership as a parent, especially when I was a stressed out and/or sleep deprived parent.  Still, she was patient and firm with me, continuing to try to ask me to live up to God’s standards.  This time, it was my brain that failed me.  I simply knew that I could do it right… I had read the books, taken the classes, and the experts were the experts for a reason, and listening to them was what was best.  Simply, failure to do so would equal failing, in some way, as a parent.  Again, it’s almost laughable at how much I had wrong.  It is, again, most certainly sad.

It was here, again, that I heard the call.  God wanted me to know how He loved me as a Father, but I was so caught up in the “right way” to be a parent,  I missed the real right way… using my heavenly Father’s relationship to understand mine to my child’s.  Interestingly, there’s so much learned about the reverse relationships, too.  My wife tried to get me to see just some of that which she got, but, I didn’t want to.  I “knew” better.

So, as the story goes, whatever mess of a life I had built all on my own was built on a foundation of sand.  Every time some of that sand tried to wash away or crumble, I was sure I could get over to it and re-pack it and survive just fine. And, eventually, I’d get it all just right to make those dreams we dreamed years ago come true.  All the while, God was calling me to move into the house He had planned for me, built on solid rock and designed just for me.  Funny enough, it’s simply my dream house… remember the dreams we had?  Well,  God knows the ones we never dreamed and I’m certain His house for me is better than anything I can build on my own.  Moreover, He wanted me to bring my family.  He fully expected me to hear those calls… He used the most important person in my life to call me, why wouldn’t I hear them?  And, I did hear them, but I kept packing sand around the little hut I built.  Worse, I expected my family to live there.

A few months ago, I finally realized the stupidity of my years of playing in the sand.  I finally asked Him for the help I so desperately needed and actually meant it.  He showed up, as promised.  Now, I am committed to always having a servant’s heart.  And, I know what that really means now because my wife tried to teach me for years.  But, moreover, she lived it for years… I need only look at her life to understand it.  Now, I am also committed to having control over my passionate heart… I know God designed me with this deep passion, but the passion in my heart is reserved for doing His work, not my own… a simple result of having a servant’s heart.  But, in actual practice, I try my best to make sure my passion is properly focused to that end and always necessary.  Again, lessons taught to me by my wife, even if she didn’t realize it at the time.  Lastly, I am committed to being a father so that my son’s life will glorify Him long after mine is over.  And the Lord knows I needed to have a servant’s heart and a tempered passion to have a chance of doing that.  And, to bring it home, I have come to see how everything she’s worked so hard for comes together so beautifully for the benefit of our son.

So, thirteen years ago, He blessed me with an amazing woman.  He had a purpose.  He knew He created me with a mind to do what’s the best/right thing and with a deep, intense passionate heart.  He also knew I was wild and broken and I would never get the guidance to become a servant on my own.  He gave me a gift… a woman designed/created with a servant’s heart.  He helped her fall in love with me despite my faults and agree to marry me, I believe, seeing through who I was and to the man God wanted me to be.  She is the only woman I’ve ever kissed with all the passion of my heart and the only woman I want to, even now.  Though I owe the changes of my heart and mind to God, I owe my sister in Christ a gratitude for encouraging me, supporting me, pulling and pushing me towards the path where I just let God in.

So, today, I celebrate my wife and 13 years of having her be a blessing in my life.  Although, I had no idea just how important some moments were then, I realize just how amazing she was in those moments in retrospect.  And, today, I count every one of them as a blessing in my life.  For I am certain, I could not be the man I am today, nor would I be the man I am to become by His plan for my future, nor would I raise the man my son will be someday, if not for her.  And I know she made sacrifices to do it.  So, I hope she’ll know that they were not all for naught.  I love her.  And she may hate me for declaring it so publicly, but I would hope you can tell that I do just by reading this post.  And, if  ever anyone thinks of me as a “great man” (and I pray that if so, it is only because God let’s me do great things in His name and to His honor),  then it is here and now that I say that the woman “behind” me is my wife.

Thank you, Dear.

To The Boy:

As I laid next to you this morning sort of propped up on my elbow as you slept in the crook of my arm, I imagined our Father cradling us both in His.  As I looked down on you with doting eyes, I’m sure that God looks on us the same way.  So, I get just a taste of the way that God loves me (and you).  I think it may be something beyond the words of a man, so I won’t try.  I only hope that you feel it when we snuggle, when we wrestle, when we chase each other, and when I hug you for longer than you wish I would.  Some day, I hope to give you more of the words that you’ll need to hear from me aside from the “I love you”s with which I shower you.

You’ve been home for two years (and some change).  I think I’ve gotten to know you pretty well even though we probably don’t “talk” to each other as much as we “should.”  I’m probably more content with your points and grunts than Mommy is, but I know it won’t serve you well in this world, so I correct you.  So, you’re growing up fast as you listen to us and learn about love and respect, patience and virtues.  I’m certain you’re destined to be a better man I.

So, while I can, I’ll try my best to teach you what I know without passing on my inadequacies.  I’m trusting God to help do that better than I could ever do it myself.  For today, I just want you to know that I will never leave you… I’ll always be ready to hold you in my arms when you need it… and snuggle, wrestle, chase and hug… and shower you with the knowledge that “I love you.”

Visit The Porch to know what I’m talking about:

http://visittheporch.blogspot.com/2009/04/good-friday.html

So, on Tuesday night, we had our first gig.  It was an open mic.  We sang two songs and then went up for an encore.  The first song went pretty well.  The second, our strongest piece, actually, didn’t.  We had some trouble hearing each other which, I think, was the major contributing factor.  We actually practiced a bit out in the hallway which had some pretty good acoustics.  We were singing quietly and sounded pretty good.  It definitely helped with the confidence.

So, we were about the middle of the pack in the order of things.  We enjoyed this.  It gave us a chance to relax and watch a bit which helped with nerves.  The setup was two mics, neither very good quality and both with their gain/volume set too low and no EQ.  We tried to utilize them, but ultimately, I don’t think they helped at all unless one of us was singing directly into it.

In the end, it was a good experience.  We got to test ourselves.  It was a sort of payoff for all the practicing we’ve done up until now.  Though, I don’t think we’ll be signing up for any other performances any time soon.

Well, I count this morning as a win for God.  newhope Church was overflowing at it’s new location.  It was, from my point of view, the fruition of much labor of love.

The lights “went off” with only a couple of user errors.  My cues (the programming) ran flawlessly though.  Had I not ran the wrong thing at the wrong time or missed some timing, it would have been a perfect show.  The video was gorgeous!  I hope everyone out there realizes that IMAG is not an ego trip.  It’s to help maintain the small building feel… it’s the only way the people in the back still get to see the passion in Benji’s eye and the fervor of his face.  Meanwhile, it also can be just a part of worship… simply making something for the glory of God.  I wish I could comment on the sound, but the tech suite really hinders my ability to do so.  What I do know is that rehearsals sounded amazing, so I’m sure this morning was no different.

All in all, I’m feeling a general happiness from this morning and probably a great deal of relief.  We’ve definitely raised our personal bar at newhope and I hope we keep pushing it higher to better this world through changing hearts and inspiring people to be the kinds of disciples I think God calls us to be.

PS- The picture is actually from newhope’s stage/lighting.

So, it’s my birth month and in a few days, it’ll be my birthday.  It’s funny how it doesn’t seem like as big of a deal anymore.  But, I have been thinking about things I’d like to have, but just can’t afford right now… mainly because I don’t have a job.  These aren’t present ideas (though, I suppose, they could be) because I know most of my friends are as broke as me and they shouldn’t spend their money on me.  But , with the birthday coming and people asking me what I want, well, it makes me ask myself, “What do I want?”  So, I thought I should write some of it down, lest I forget when I do get a job and the budget allows for some play room.

I “recently” lost my Leatherman Supertool.  I have no idea where it’s gone.  I suspect it’s somewhere in the house, but it’s been months and I haven’t stumbled across it.  It was getting close to needing to be replaced anyway.  I bought it in 1997, so it served it’s time well and was a great investment.  It looks like they don’t make the Supertool anymore.  I have no idea which tool would be best for my typical needs.  I love the needle nose pliers, that’s for sure.  I defnitely use it more for electrical type work than anything else.  I haven’t had time to peruse their new warez and figure out what the best too is for me.

I hit the max level in EQ2, so I’ve been ready for the expansion for months now.  It’s called The Shadow Odyssey and it was $40 when it came out.  It dropped $10 and is now slightly more reasonable.  Until I get TSO, I can work on alternate characters (instead of my main character).  And, that’s what I’ve been doing.  Except, lately, I’ve been jobless and busy, so I’ve tried to not spend any time “wasted” on EQ.

I wouldn’t mind a piece of welder’s glass… yep, the glass from a welder’s helmet.  It’s VERY dark and makes looking at stage lights much easier, particularly when you’re aiming them.  I have no idea how to get a piece, but a piece with tape on the sharp edges would be nice for all the aiming I seem to be doing and will likely continue to do in the future.  I don’t think I know any welders.

I’m out of car care products… specifically, Z2 and ZFX Additive.  And if you still haven’t discovered Zaino Bros. car care products… you’re missing out.  It’s really great stuff.

Again, I don’t tell you about this stuff for you to buy it for me.  It’s just nice to make a list.  At some point, some of this stuff is bound to approach the feeling of need over want, particularly the Leatherman.  I’ve basically spent 10 years with a Supertool on my waist.  It’s pretty annoying when you need it and don’t have it anymore.  Anyway, when it hits a breaking point, assuming it’s financially responsible, I’ll buy it for myself then.

Maybe I’m just up to late, but I thought this was great.

FYI, there are lots of pictures of  family and friends that are marked Private on my Flickr site.  If you’re family or a friend, but can’t see them then we should remedy that.  To do so, you’ll need a Flickr account.  No worries, you don’t actually have to post a pic.  Once you have an account, add me as a contact or shoot me an Email to your photostream (even if it’s empty) where I can add you as a contact.  Once I add you as a contact and mark you as friend/family, you can see the pics marked Private.

Mainly, it’s just a weird thought that a stranger can see too deeply into your life.  I know that’s weird from a blogger, but based on the number of hits I get, it’s mainly friends reading this, not strangers.  So, to help my own state of mind, I choose to limit my online information presence, particularly with regards to The Boy.  In my head, just protecting his name can help protect him from a stranger calling him over.  Of course, as a parent, you shout your kid’s name in public places all the time… Still, like I said, it’s for my piece of mind (and likely will have no affect on the safety of The Boy, I know).

But, for a quick Flickr story, a friend of a friend is a photographer who used Flickr to post pics of her family.  One day, another friend of the photographer mentioned seeing her family portraits in a model home they recently visited and thought she was brave for selling pics of her family for that purpose.  The photographer checked it out and sure enough, the model home was filled with pics of her family from her Flickr site.  Now, I know I’m not taking any pics that are so great, someone would want to use them to promote their business.  However, the idea alone is enough to freak me out a little.  So, if you want to see pics of my family and friends, you’ll need a Flickr account.  If that irks you, I’m sorry… really… but, either get over it or don’t view the pics… it’s that simple.

So, I’ve been spending a great deal of time at newhope’s new building setting up and programming lights.  I’ve quite enjoyed myself.  Despite some other issues with CPM, the crew of experts is probably the shining stars of customer service (of the company).  So, not only do they have talent, they actually interact with customers well.

I had fun hanging out with them and learning from them.  But, even more fun, has been actually setting up and programming lights.  This is my first experience with moving lights.  I’m actually quite surprised at how simple the process is.  However, the area isn’t really ready for light programming.  There’s a bunch of stuff on the stage and the back curtain isn’t hung.  However, there is still lots to program.  One of the big things about programming moving lights is programming what are essentially templates.  These allow you to quickly recall a set of parameters which can really speed programming up.  So, for now, programming these templates are my primary focus (no pun intended).

Meanwhile, I still wish I could talk more about my job, but, for now, it’s probably best to say that I am looking for a new one.  It’s the smartest move for me right now, though not my first preference.

I wish I could talk about my struggles at work. But, alas, I can’t. Without that, right now, life is gooood.

And, well, when life is good, there’s not much else to say.  But, I will try.

This week, I’m going to be spending some time over at newhope’s new building helping CPM setup the stage lights in the three worship areas.  It’s actually the first time I’ll have my hand in the patching process.  Patching is when you assign a light to a dimmer (plug it in) and assign the dimmer to a channel.  On a programmable board, you can setup your channels/dimmers such that they make sense.  Up until now, the board we’ve had just was what it was.  The new board is customizable.  Who doesn’t love customization?

I’m really excited to get in there and get working.  It’s like Christmas time… new toys and stuff…

I was recently honored to video tape a couple’s renewal of vows.  I won’t go into any details (I don’t have permission to do so).  But, it was really great.  After over a decade and some kids (and I’m sure lots of laughs, struggles, fights and blessings), they were able to still say, “I choose you.”  The presiding pastor said that what he loved most about vow renewal is that you choose each other AFTER knowing each other.  When you first get married, you don’t really know.  You don’t know what kind of parent they’ll be or how they’ll get under your skin or that they *never* do the dishes or laundry (“Surely they will once we’re married!”).  So, a renewal is pretty special.  I had never thought about it like that before, but it definitely made sense… and was pretty romantic… in a life-with-kids way.

Before anyone reads into this… I’m not describing my wife.  She’s amazing.  Even though she sometimes doesn’t realize it, she’s a supermom… In the truest sense of the modern supermom.  She holds down a busy, stressful job successfully.  She serves the church diligently.  Loves her boy better than any mom I’ve ever seen.  Cares for him and her family.  And still finds time to take care of the household and, occasionally, sit on the couch and watch some TV (though not as often as she’d like, I’m sure).  And, before you read into that, I help, of course (though not as often as she’d like, I’m sure).  :)

I would choose her a thousand times over.