Mindry.in

Salman Khurshid Censured: Minorities Relieved That They Don’t HAVE To Work for Loss-Making PSUs

mindryin — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 07:17:23 +0000

Esteemed Union Law Minister Salman Khurshid, loved and respected by all in the land has been censured by the beloved and flawless Election Commission of India for promising job and education quotas to minorities based on solely on their religion. Various sections of the minority community have reacted. Relieved we don’t have to work in PSUs just to make Khurshid happy: “Khurshid is the Union Law Minister. He’s also the Minority Affairs minister. So when he walked into that meeting and said we’d get a quota within the quota I was like “What? Now I have to work in HMT and not get paid for months just because Sallu uncle said so?” Hell, I want to get a good frigging job in a good frigging company because my kung-fu is strong,” said one member of a minority community. Kids React As Well Children under the age of 10 and with the same imaginary friend had their hopes dashed, however. “There are eight of us who believe in peace and love and we have the same imaginary friend. At first our parents were concerned that we hadn’t outgrown imaginary friends. But I told my mother that we were practically a religion [...]

Karnataka MLAs Caught Watching Porn on Phone, Fired

mindryin — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 06:57:09 +0000

What Happened: Karnataka Cooperation Minister Laxman Savadi was allegedly busy cooperating with his colleague CC Patil by showing him a porn clip in the Hall of the People. CC Patil is incidentally the Women and Child Welfare Minister. The phone belonged to Science and Technology minister Krishna Palemar. What are poor people saying? “The question is not about morality or the use of the Vidhan Sabha. The real question is why can’t I watch porn on my phone? I can only play Snake 2 and Space Impact. How does one get these vids on a phone. Not that I want to watch porn, but you know, educational material like David Attenborough’s documentary on Jackasses in the Wild,” said noted poor person Prakash while fingering his Nokia 1100 with newfound selfdoubt. “Patil also said that Savadi would never do something like have sex. I’m not so sure about voting for a 40-year-old virgin.” What are rich people saying? “In the good old days MLAs used to snore in the House. When I was in the north they used to throw chairs and stuff . Now it’s just pathetic. CC Patil’s defense was first saying ‘that Palemar fellow gave me clip. Nan [...]

Dassault’s Rafale: Will India’s Pilots Have To Die in it in 2055?

mindryin — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 13:29:49 +0000

India’s defense forces have decided to rescue French merchants of death, Dassault, and promise them $10 billion and a few millions in change over the next few years for 18 planes and 110 assembly kits. So, why as a loyal Indian citizen, am I not rejoicing that we are finally modernizing our air force? Because the MMRCA purchase decision has taken forever. Well, 5 years after the decision to float the tender for the second time. Nearly 10 years after we got rich enough to address a situation that we knew was desperate 15 years ago. India’s airforce is operating at 80% of minimal combat strength. Our pilots are currently flying in planes that were designed to impress Brezhnev and Mitterand. Those planes crash at the rate of 1 every two months. Some of our pilots then sadly get to meet Mitterand and Brezhnev. The planes we “decided” to buy in 2012 were needed in 2004. We took 8 years to pick a plane. These birds were all designed in 2000. By the time we wait for the rupee to appreciate and pay the French it’ll be a few years more. Then there’s our limited production capacity. The bulk of this force [...]

BJP promises free cows; Satirists angry

mindryin — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 11:30:57 +0000

In the runup to the assembly elections in Uttar Pradesh, the BJP has promised to give free cows to the poor if the party is voted to power. BJP’s promise of free cows is combined with the offer of free laptops and the party hopes this will boost the agro-information-technology-dairy industry that it hopes to create with its poll freebies. ‘Mother will milk the cow and feed the family, father will sell the bovine products and support family while the child will get education using laptop and eventually create the next Apple from Uttar Pradesh’, said a party leader who chose to, as usual, remain anonymous. Cows too were reportedly happy with this move of the BJP since it would not only give the cow a set of people who she can call her own but also enable her to contribute to the UP economy and also to the creation of next Apple. However not everyone is happy. Satirists are angry with the BJP as the party has usurped their job with the free cow idea. “It’s our exclusive job to come up with fake news, parodies and satires. If people whom we mock themselves come up with stuff to [...]

Why Dr Batra is a Padma Shri

mindryin — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 20:16:34 +0000

The following is an unsubstantiated conspiracy theory like God. Dr Mukesh Batra, head of the Batra Homeopathy establishment has been awarded one of India’s highest civilian honors. An award hitherto reserved for lesser actors who make good Lays advertisements has now gone to a man known for messing with allopathy and peddling what many label a pseudoscience. Worry not, this is not about homeopathy’s alleged BS. This is a message to all of us lasting two years running now from the real masters of the world. The Association of Powerful Bald Men pushed through the Padma Shri for Saif Ali Khan, Lays salesman and alleged poacher, through simply so that this year no one could say that they were playing favorites with a man helping them. Thus maintaining their near secret hold on the world. Mukesh Batra has pioneered treatment into curing baldness and it has allegedly split the ruling body of the planet. One group of the Association of Powerful Bald Men that secretly runs the world sees the cure as a natural progression of technology, whereas the other sees it as a blasphemous attack on their divine right to rule. This split is the only reason Mukesh Batra [...]

Jagdish Tytler Allegedly Condemns Jay Leno For Hurting Sikh Sentiment

mindryin — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 09:32:37 +0000

1984-riots accused Jagdish Tytler allegedly condemned American comedian Jay Leno’s unintentional and oblique reference to the Golden Temple while mocking Mitt Romney. Unconfirmed reports suggest that Tytler who was once accused of leading mobs to kill thousands of Sikhs in Delhi in 1984 has said, “Jay’s not funny anymore. I don’t get the joke. Who’s Mitt Romney anyway?” Indian government officials were not approached for comment. Our bureau made the assumption that the government was busy acquitting people accused of mass murder and condemning harmless comedians over trivial non-issues. For the record, Jay is a lot less funny these days. Sigh. Bookmark It Hide Sites

Indian Condom Company Does Its Best to Improve Cricket Team’s Morale

mindryin — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 12:17:45 +0000

While live cricket scores from the India V Australia match continue to show depressing results for the Indian team one corporate is refusing to give up on the boys in blue. “We don’t have other sports in India. It doesn’t matter so much to the average Aussie if they lose in cricket. They have the Australian Open, Lleyton Hewitt and kangaroos. India has only cricket. We saw the cricket live score showing over 600 runs for the Australian cricket team and just felt we had to do something about the boys’ morale in the locker rooms,” said head of Business Development of Sanjay&Sons Condom Company Pvt Ltd, a leading condom manufacturer in India. The company will be sending ultra-mini condoms created specifically for morale boosting purposes to the Indian cricket team. “Every cricketer, nay, every man, deserves to say this at least once in his life- I’m terribly sorry, but as you can see what I have is just too big for this condom. I’m going to go buy a larger size. Terribly sorry, ladies,” said Parth Awasthi, Director of Asia Pacific Operations for Sanjay and Sons. “We don’t think running down the team that won the World Cup is [...]

The Curious Case of #barkhabarks

kowligi — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 17:53:25 +0000

If there is a God he’s one cruel sadist. I have spent this week writing in defense of terribly written works of Salman Rushdie, cops in Bangalore (from lawyers in Bangalore, no less) and now I thought I’d have to write in defense of the one and only Barkha Dutt. The Game Indian Twitter is currently ablaze with #barkhabarks as a trend. Because she somewhat obliquely threatened to sue a twitter user with the handle @barbarindian. The Players: @barbarindian Whose blog reads Protest the quota system End entitlement benefits for freeloaders Support the death penalty for terrorists and anti-nationals Resist “Global Governance” All stances I agree with personally, and fervently support. Except for the global governance paranoia. There will be a one world government responsible to all the world’s citizens, eventually, and we’ll herald it as the dawn of a new era. In any case, after being allegedly threatened with a lawsuit @barbarindian made his case on twitter. He received much support from many corners. Most of it was dignified. As one tweeter put it “RT@kunningmozhi Refreshing to see protest against a working woman where all banners don’t read ‘whore’ thanks for keeping it clean, tweeple #barkhabarks” Barkha Dutt Ms [...]

Why Some of Us Have to, Regrettably, Defend Salman Rushdie, A Bad, Incompetent Writer

kowligi — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 10:30:22 +0000

Satanic Verses is a bad book, it’s not worth this kind of time. It’s worse than even commercially successful Chetan Bhagat’s works. Yet, Salman Rushdie deserves our protection. And, yes, everyone involved in this story is a prize fool. A few weeks ago I wrote about a strange organization in the middle of an industrial disaster zone that decided to issue a social boycott order against a somewhat pretty Pakistani actress girl. Veena Malik has done nothing but screw up the Google search rankings for the musical instrument that has the misfortune to share her name. SEO guys will tell you it’s not easy to mess things up so thoroughly for google. That takes skills. Respect. Anyway, in that article I mentioned one other middling “artist” who’s received similar uncalled for coverage because a moron in Iran whose stupidity is several magnitudes higher than the “artist” decided to find a target. Salman Rushdie: A Lucky Fool If you’ve had the misfortune to read Satanic Verses you will eventually agree that I am being extremely gracious to Salman Rushdie in calling him an artist. It’s a bad book. It’s trying to be cool by inserting hallucinations, nonsensical text, stupid metaphors, it’s [...]

Cow Slaughter and Bullshit Laws

kowligi — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 10:01:25 +0000

Madhya Pradesh wants to put people in jail for 7 years for eating beef. Well, that’s a bit harsh even for a lipservice law aimed at hoodwinking a vote bank. Here’s why this law should be repealed (10 marks): 1. The law aims to please a religious minority: ‘Hindus who will be hoodwinked’. I will oppose ALL such bullshit laws. The laws that appease the ‘Muslim vote bank’ and laws like this stupid one weaken us as a country. 2. Time Wasting Tactics Madhya Pradesh has bigger problems. This law was a waste of time to draft, debate and modify, let alone use Government resources (which you and I pay for) to enforce. It is unworthy of our republic to allow this when an estimated 25 million people of 75 million in this province are illiterate. Not to mention the fact that this state is yet to fully support victims of the Bhopal Gas tragedy or deal with that minor business of the disaster site still being incredibly toxic. 3. We are not the stupid Gulf…we’re better If you have cousin which goes “but gelf countries pork blah” laugh in its face. The gulf governments will one day be erased [...]