Mindset of Success: The Science of Personal Leadership Development

Do You Have the Sunday Syndrome?

2010-11-24T11:31:29-05:00

It’s fall turning into winter here in the U.S. That means less daylight and for many of us it can mean a dip in mood. In particular, Sundays are difficult for many people who experience what I call The Sunday Syndrome. This is not a clinical diagnosis, but a constellation of difficulties with the 4 S’s:

1)    Sleep
2)    Sadness
3)    Stress
4)    Self-doubt

Some people have problems with one of these things and some with any number of the four.

It may begin in the morning on Sundays or anytime throughout the day or evening, and it may continue into Mondays. If this is something that you may experience, you can take The Sunday Syndrome assessment I created at:

http://thesundaysyndrome.com/

There is no charge for this. You’ll need to enter your email to get the results and there may be a spam-filter code to enter. If you’re interested in taking this assessment, do so soon because it will only be available at no cost through the end of 2010.

Your results will provide a comprehensive description and if you do experience The Sunday Syndrome, some tips for managing it.

Take care,

Larina

Sales Setbacks as Stepping Stones

2010-10-25T18:07:13-04:00

It’s easy to get discouraged when your sales aren’t going well because your livelihood is based on the results you get. This is why setbacks in sales can be especially devastating.

There are three important methods to bouncing back:

1) Retaining or attaining the right mental attitude

Mental attitude is key in sales performance. While it is important to set realistic goals and standards, a positive expectancy for success leads to optimal outcomes. You can bounce back mentally by reviewing all the times that you have "failed" and then survived or thrived in the past.

Also consider how these experiences increased your strength, focus, determination, or how they took you in a new direction which led to excellent results.

Remaining optimistic is critical in sales. In fact, research shows that optimistic salespeople significantly outperform their less optimistic counterparts. Be optimistic by considering future opportunities that could go very well.

2) Performing the behaviors consistent with ongoing success

One of the worst things that sales people can do is avoid new situations and stop taking calculated risks after a setback. Behaviorally, people often become increasingly timid and avoid high stacks or novel situation after a failure situation. This leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy and increases the likelihood of ongoing setbacks.

Instead, when you make the momentum of the setback work for you, you can powerfully rebound in the right direction. The easiest way to think about this is to effectively keep doing what works and look for opportunities to try new things.

3) Obtaining necessary support, training, and advice from others

It is important to distinguish whether something is objectively a real failure versus a perceived failure. Holding yourself to perfectionist or rigid, unrealistic standards can create many perceived failures and makes it much more difficult to bounce back. If the failures are “real” in that there is a lesson to be learned from them, ask yourself how additional training or support could help you.

Many salespeople have difficulty pursuing ongoing training and professional growth because they are focused on making their numbers and the "daily grind". A setback can signal the need for additional outside support from your sales manager, trainer, or outside assistance.

Embrace rather than shrink away from setbacks and you might just find that they are a stepping stone to greater sales success!
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If you’re involved with marketing or sales, learn the psychology behind stellar marketing and selling with my Facebook group: http://www.facebook.com/MarketingPsych

How To Relax: 5 Keys to Making Sure Relaxation is Actually Relaxing

2010-09-27T11:00:00-04:00

We know how important it is to relax and not let stress build up. What we don’t always know is how to do this. It seems like it should be obvious but there are some subtle keys to how to go about relaxing to make it actually ease your stress.

Here are the top 5:

1)    Proactively relax. Stress has a tendency to build up or “snowball.” Picture a snowball rolling down a hill. At the beginning it is just a small snowball, but at the bottom of the hill, it’s a size of a small car. You can better handle it while it’s small so the best remedy for stress is prevention or early reduction.

2)    Discover what’s most relaxing for YOU. There are certain things that are “supposed” to be relaxing, like yoga or a bath, that may or may not work for you. Go on an investigation and experiment with different things. Plan to do each three times because the first time may not be as relaxing simply because it is new. Rate how relaxing each activity is from 0-10, 10 being the most relaxing, during and after.

3)    Put yourself in the moment. It is hard to relax when you’re thinking of a million things. Instead focus on being fully present in the moment. Allow your mind to wander but bring it back and be present with the situation. Use your senses to get immersed in the experience. It can also help to do a brain dump before your relaxing activity, where you write down anything that might creep into your head. This way you can return to the important items later and not be distracted from your relaxation.

4)    Put everything else out of the moment. A phone ringing or a little buzz that you have a new message or text can break your relaxing moment. Turn everything off. Treat the time just like you would if you were at a wedding or a play, you would not allow anything to distract the people participating. You are just as important and need to have quiet to become immersed in your relaxation.

5)    Practice often. For busy go-getters like you and me, relaxation can be more difficult than being busy. We’re just not used to it. Like anything else, it takes practice. Expect that the first several times may be uncomfortable, and continue to schedule your relaxing activities.

Practice these 5 keys regularly and you’ll soon find that relaxation is actually relaxing.

Find more resources on reducing stress and anxiety with:

- - My book Anxious 9 to 5: How to Beat Worry, Stop Second Guessing Yourself, and Work with Confidence

- My blog End Speaking Anxiety.com

- My book The Confident Leader: How the Most Successful People Go from Effective to Exceptional

The Kindness Virus

2010-09-17T11:56:56-04:00

How nice is this: I was entering a bagel store and a delivery man held the door open for me (at 8.5 months pregnant chivalry comes alive) as he was leaving.
A couple minutes later he came back in and came up to me as I stood in line.

"Excuse me," he said, "I noticed that your car is out of inspection, your sticker shows expiration of 8/10, and I want to be sure your car is safe and that you don't get a ticket."

How nice was that? I went directly to the shop to drop my car off for inspection and learned that the tires were dangerously low in air.

It reminds me of something I call the Kindness Virus. You can read my article "The Kindness Virus:
How Random Acts of Kindness Spread Joy and Improve Your Life and the Lives of Others" here: http://www.pascoaching.com/reports_articles/KindnessVirus.pdf

How can you spread the Kindness Virus today?

Do You Have Authentic Self-Confidence?

2010-08-30T11:48:54-04:00

“Authentic Confidence” is the belief that you can handle whatever comes your way. It goes along with an optimistic mindset—the belief that in general things will go well but if not then you are equipped to handle them.

Ironically, authentic confidence is not solely based on our sense of our abilities. For example thinking, “I’m good at math,” may not lead to confidence (because how would you feel if you weren’t good at math at some point?) as much as thinking, “I can figure math problems out,” or “I can learn math.”

Authentic confidence results when you adopt a growth-oriented mindset. You show yourself that your efforts pay off and that you can learn something even if it is initially intimidating.

Here are 10 ways to build authentic self-confidence:

1. Expect the best. Remember that what you expect is what you get. If you create a sense of optimism and positive expectation, you're more likely to have a successful outcome.

2. Do something challenging every day. When you do something that's outside of your comfort zone you can't fail. Either you do great and feel more confident or it doesn't work and you're proud of yourself from trying and learn from the mistakes.

3. Keep track your successes. We naturally pay more attention to what we didn't do than what we did do. You think about all the things you didn't cross off your to-do list. Instead focus on what you did accomplish and watch your confidence sky-rocket.

4. Give compliments. When you acknowledge others you'll find that you feel good, they want to help you, and they compliment you. All these things boost confidence.

5. Challenge assumptions and request feedback. We're our own worst enemies and often assume the worst about ourselves. Instead get objective feedback about your performance.

6. Tackle self-esteem reducing thoughts. When a thought that saps your confidence pops into your mind, question it by asking yourself, "What is the evidence that it's true?"

7. Remember your past achievements. Next time you face a challenging situation, recall a time you've successfully navigated a similarly challenging situation.

8. Act slightly more confident than you feel. This one's tricky because if you do it too much, it undermines confidence. But if you act just a bit more confident, you'll get better results, which helps you to feel more confident.

9. Develop skills and expertise. The best way to build authentic confidence is to know that you know what you're doing and be aware of the value you provide. You’ll develop the sense that even if you don’t know something, your efforts in figuring it out are likely to pay off.

10. Focus on learning. Focusing on outcome increases anxiety and decreases confidence. Instead, focus on learning and growing and take the pressure off of yourself to do something “right.”

Now that you know ten techniques that are proven to build your self-confidence, it’s up to you to use them. The key is to consistently apply these skills and before you know it, you’ll have a greater sense of authentic self-confidence.

Learn more about how to be a confident leader in your life, family, community, and work with my book The Confident Leader, about which internationally recognized psychologist Dr. Kevin Hogan said, “this groundbreaking book will become a classic.”

Winning The War on Busywork - Post by Guest Blogger

2010-08-17T17:13:13-04:00

One of the challenges we face as entrepreneurs and business owners is the constant tug-of-war between the routine stuff we need to do and the stuff we know we should do if we want to move our businesses forward.

Ideally, we would be able to delegate all the routine work so we could spend 100% of our time and energy working on big important projects and breakthrough ideas - but that might not be your reality just yet (it isn't for most of us) - until then, the key is to make sure that the busywork doesn't take up the bulk of your time and the best of your energy.

1. Focus on the “pillars.” Every major "pillar" of your business has a handful of tasks that are head and shoulders above everything else you could be doing in terms of the results they create - know what they are, and make them first on your list.

In the marketing pillar, for example, as every marketing guru will tell you, speaking is the #1 way to build your business, grow your newsletter list, and get clients. So if you're spending most of your time marketing from behind the computer, like on social media, shift some time and energy away from that and redirect it towards doing more public speaking and other live events where you're likely to meet potential clients in your target market.

2. Divide your day to do the routine tasks second. One of my favorite techniques, because it helps make importance tangible, is to draw 3 different sized "boxes" and place tasks, projects, or activities in them according to their ROI. The move-your-business-forward tasks (or high ROI) get the biggest box, medium ROI tasks go in the mid-sized box, and low ROI tasks go into the smallest box.

What's really important to remember is to be realistic and not "overfill" the boxes, and to give quality time and energy to the tasks in the large and medium boxes. As you work tasks from each box throughout the day, you will eventually develop a pattern that works for you and gives you the flexibility you want - but in general, think of the small box as a "filler" - perfect for taking a break after focusing on a task from the large box, to keep you from getting bored, or to make the best use of a dip in your energy level.

3. Protect your energy. Sometimes we get caught up in mindless and insignificant work because we don't have the energy for anything else. This is bound to happen sometimes, but if it's the rule, rather than the exception, make sure you're eating well, exercising, and getting proper rest.

And don't forget to always be on the lookout for situations that steal your energy - this may include clients who constantly complain, services or products that generate too many headaches and not enough profit, or business contacts who are always more interested in what you can do for them than in finding ways to benefit each other. Do what you need to do to trim these from your business - it may be difficult, but releasing energy that is stuck on non-productive things means you'll have more energy available for key tasks and breakthrough ideas.

When you manage your day and your energy in a way that keeps you focused on your move-forward tasks, it's harder to get lost in the busyness of routine work.

What helps you stay focused on what's important in your business?

Productivity Coach and Professional Organizer Claudine Motto works with women business owners who want to get clear and in control so they can stop spinning their wheels and grow the business that they love. For more productivity and time management tips get her free monthly newsletter http://www.vistalnorte.com and visit her Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/bemoreproductive

Lessons From A Cell Phone Free 4 Months

2010-07-26T11:24:24-04:00

Last fall I got a fabulous cell phone that I used for everything. I checked my email and Twitter updates while in line at the grocery store. I scheduled all of my appointments with it. I basically depended on it for everything. After only a few months with my new phone it died. It was my fault (my baby used it as a teether) so it was not covered by any warranties.

I made a crazy decision: Go without a phone. I had no idea what would come of it but I believe in the importance of challenging ourselves and figured it would be a good way to practice what I preach. At a minimum it could help me with breaking a bad habit, and at the maximum, who knew?

I wasn’t sure if I could do it, and it’s been tough. Very tough. But it’s taught me some valuable lessons. No pain, no gain, eh?

First, I learned how to be more present. With the phone I was tempted to constantly multitask and do a million things. Without the phone I reconnected with what it’s like to just be and not do.

Sometimes we live like human doings rather than human beings. When we’re mindful and fully present in what we do, we may do less but we experience so much more. There’s a reason it’s called mind-FULL-ness, we are more filled with what’s important and more fulfilled. It’s the difference between eating candy for lunch and eating a healthy balanced meal.

Second, I better focused on my son. All of those moments of “I’ll just check one thing,” can add up. I worried that my son would come to think that he came second and receive only divided attention. Now, when I work I work and when I play I play.

Third, I connected with my intuition. You never know when your intuition will strike . Problem is, if it’s ready to strike while you’re doing other things, you won’t hear it. The best way to listen to intuition is to allow quite time and space. Whether you’re going for a walk or standing in a line, let your intuition go to work while you aren’t working.

Fourth, I was safer to myself and others. I use a headset while driving but the distraction of talking on the phone makes you less focused on driving. I took for granted that I can drive on autopilot with minimal effort, and that is true, but I’ve learned that I can drive much better and safer when I pay attention.

Fifth, I’ve developed my patience. I’m not naturally a patient person. I really need to work on it. Before I felt like I was constantly on the go and in a hurry. Now I’ve learned that I don’t have to do everything the second I want to, and I have a new general sense of calm and peace that others have picked up on.

Finally, I’ve learned that most things are not urgent. This goes along with the patience thing. We often feel like something is urgent when in reality it can wait.

Now that I’m getting my new cell phone, I’ve committed to making some changes. I do not have great will power so I must keep temptation at bay. I will not take it with me everywhere or have it nearby when it’s playtime with my son. I will keep it in the trunk of my car when I drive. And I will love having it with me when I do!

What challenge can you take on to learn important lessons? Is there anything that you’ve come to depend on? Or that keeps you away from being present and mindful in the moment? Can you challenge yourself to 4 months (or even 4 days) without it?

The Unknown Type of Procrastination: Trying to Do Too Much

2010-06-30T15:08:43-04:00

Procrastination is often about avoidance of an undesirable activity. It may be that when you do too much, you choose things that are more desirable—even if the less desirable activity isn’t horrible, you just choose to do something else.

Another factor is curiosity. When something comes up (like email messages) we feel like we just have to find out what they’re about. As a result, we end up putting off or procrastinating on something else.

The short-term rewards always outweigh the long-term unless you make a conscious effort otherwise.

So what can we do differently? We can learn a lesson from the simple ABC’s: Antecedents, Behaviors, Consequences

For example, if I tried to squeeze in emails and ended up being late for an appointment, I could write down:

Antecedents:

1) Not giving myself a cushion of time. My 20 minute drive-time calculation was based on an ideal scenario rather than a real scenario. Even if I’d gotten off the computer on time, I would have been late.

2) I told myself that checking and answering 5 important emails would only take 10 minutes, when I know in reality it takes longer.

Behaviors: Checking my email messages and starting to respond to them until I realized I was very late.

Consequences: I was 10 minutes late to my appointment. Experienced a lot of stress rushing there. I felt bad because my whole schedule gets thrown off when my clients are late, so I know how horrible it is to have people be late. I had to wait and ended up wasting time.

Next time you’re faced with a similar situation, you can take out your ABC’s and remember not to make the same mistakes twice.

Whenever you risk cramming too much in and putting off what you really need to be doing, think of the ABC's. You can do them pro-actively about being on time:

Antecedents: Decide that wild horses can’t stop me from being out the door at 12:35

Behaviors: Turn off computer at 12:30 and get everything together. Leave at 12:35

Consequences: Feel great that I’m on time and didn’t keep people waiting. Save time by being seen right away. Check emails when I get home and have more time.

Soon you’ll see that overcoming procrastination is as easy as 1-2-3 (or A-B-C)! Well, maybe it isn’t so easy, but it’s a habit you can break and it will feel great.

Learn more strategies for making important changes in life and business with my book The Confident Leader, about which international bestselling author Kevin Hogan said, “This groundbreaking book will become a classic.”

Update to last post about important decisions and my dog Casey

2010-06-29T21:03:54-04:00

I got so many emails and comments about my last post and I greatly appreciate the thoughts, concern, and encouragement.

I'm happy to say that my dog Casey is doing much better. We've been doing intensive behavioral training with him and he seems less fearful and more confident, even around my son. We still keep them separated if we aren't right there to supervise, but overall it is going better.

Now I'm expecting baby #2 this fall so we'll see how he does with two kids!

We'll be ramping the training back up as soon as that little one can crawl, I'm sure.

Making Life-Altering Decisions

2010-04-20T11:00:00-04:00

Making Important, Challenging, Life-Altering Decisions

My husband and I have recently been struggling with an agonizing decision—whether we need to remove our dog Casey from our home. Casey is afraid of children. When dogs are scared they often become aggressive because they feel they have to defend themselves. It would be fine to keep Casey away from kids except we have a one year old who is learning how to walk, and will be running around before we know it.

Difficult Decisions

Our vet and trainer have recommended “rehoming” (a verb I wish I never had to learn) him or constantly monitoring him and keeping him separated from our son Landon.

Neither option is appealing—either we go through the sadness of losing him and removing him from his sister and best friend (our other dog, Maggie) or live in a constant state of hyper-vigilance.

As you know from my other articles and blog posts, much of the research on decision-making points to how we tend to be happiest when we go with our intuition. As a rule I try to do this and it typically works, often in combination with some form of rationale analysis.

But what about when our emotions are involved?

Making decisions is challenging anytime, but especially when the decisions touch on our values and raise emotions. Emotions impact our ability to both think rationally and hear our intuition. With major decisions in life that touch upon our core values, emotions are likely to be heavily involved.

What I’ve learned in these instances is that we can do one of three things, any of which can be helpful and often a combination is best:

1)    Reduce negative emotion by doing something relaxing or invigorating and then listen to our intuition when we’re in a calm state of mind.

2)    Rely on our natural support systems—those who know us well and can help to connect us with our core values and beliefs. Those who are not implicated in the decision and can help us see the situation objectively.

3)    Rely on outside or expert opinion. There are some decisions that we are not qualified to make and we need to get assistance from a subject matter expert.

My husband and I are doing all of these with particular emphasis on #3. Human behavior I know well but I’m not an expert on dog behavior so I need a specialist to assess the risk level and guide us through the decision. Fortunately, my husband and I have a wonderful dog trainer and vet, both of whom have been working with our dogs for some time.

We’ve decided to do another month of training and to keep Casey and Landon separated unless we are supervising closely and then re-evaluate. It is tempting to make a decision right now to free us up from this anxiety of having to decide, but we believe this is the best course to take for the long-term good of our family.

I’ve found that the most important thing to do is to not constantly think about and analyze the situation. We can convince ourselves of anything and when we’re unclear we’ll convince ourselves of everything, adding to the confusion. It’s hard not to do this but I’m trying and it’s helping.

Are you faced with any emotional decisions? Any of this that you can use or any other things you’ve found helpful?

How To Assertively Address Conflict and Diffuse Tension

2010-03-30T14:45:00-04:00

Addressing conflict is one of the more challenging tasks we face in our professional and personal lives. Here are four ways to improve your conflict management skills:

#1: Start When It’s a Molehill, Not a Mountain

Most of us avoid addressing conflicts. At some point, however, we realize that the situation needs to be addressed. Unfortunately at that point, the conflict has escalated and it becomes harder to address. As you know, timing is everything.

Confront clashes when they are small before they spiral out of control. Proactively address the people involved and together brainstorm ways to solve the issue at hand. If you’re feeling nervous about doing this, do it anyway. Several great changes can result: your anxiety decreases, you build confidence and you diffuse the tension.

#2 Be Patient, Listen, and Express Empathy

The most important thing that you want to do is communicate empathy. If someone feels that you do not understand where they are coming from (even if you don’t agree with it), they will get stuck on trying to convince you to see their point of you.

When, however, someone feels that you have expressed accurate empathy and understanding of their point of view, they are more likely to remain open and hear your ideas.

Listening when you vehemently disagree with someone is challenging, but it will definitely pay off, so force yourself to do it. Don’t make assumptions. If you aren’t sure you understand where they’re coming from, ask a clarifying question like, “I hear you saying…Am I interpreting that correctly?”

#3 Use Assertive Communication and Tension Diffusing Skills

After you’ve expressed empathy, you don’t want to follow it up with a statement like, “but you never get your work done in time.” That will negate the empathy.

Avoid saying, “but.” Decrease defensiveness by using assertiveness skills, such as “I” language and not using global terms like “always” and “never” that put people on the defensive. (“I feel stressed out when we get close to a deadline.” rather than “you always get things to me late.”).

Assertively make specific requests for change and let employees know what is expected. Most importantly, don’t be afraid to try these strategies out to see what works in your situation. You’ll probably find that you have a great conflict manager inside you.

Don’t Let Anxiety Lead You Astray

In conducting research for my book The Confident Leader: How the Most Successful People Go from Effective to Exceptional, I found that our natural skills are often masked by anxiety. This means that you likely have the ability to handle conflict well, but when anxiety takes over, you’re likely to overcompensate (people please, become too tough, etc.).

When you’re in a relaxed state of mind, allow yourself to listen, to your trust your intuition about how to handle the discord. It will likely lead you in the right direction and you’ll see that you have an excellent conflict manager inside of you.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0071549889/?tag=thesuccessf0b-20

When To Address Problems and When To Let Them Slide

2010-02-24T02:14:21-05:00

Conflict Management:
Deciding What to Address and What to Let Go

Do you avoid conflict and tense conversations? If so, you are not alone. Many people feel uncomfortable with conflict and stay away from it. After all, it’s human nature to take the path of least resistance. It’s always easier to do nothing than something, especially if the something is stressful.

Some people take the opposite approach—it makes them uncomfortable to let little things go. They’re perfectionists and have a hard time seeing how some issues are not critical, and how part of being a strategic leader is to let things go.

Which do you do?

The Covered Pot Syndrome

Keeping our frustrations to ourselves can create a covered pot syndrome: Your feelings are like boiling water in a covered pot, boiling over at the time we least want them to.

Our avoidance can let the conflict go to the point that it is much more difficult to manage. Pair that with your frustration (the boiling over) and you have a recipe for disaster.

As a confident leader in all your life roles (in your job or business, as a parent, as a sibling or neighbor, etc), the goal is to address situations that need to be addressed even if they are uncomfortable.

The Boy Who Cried Wolf Syndrome

At times it can be a smart strategy to let things go. If you address everything no one will take you seriously. They’ll think you’re a nitpicker and tune you out. As a leader, you need to show people that you can prioritize.

So, how do you decide when to address conflict and when to let it slide? Here are few things to consider:

1)    Frequency. Is it the first time someone has done something or is it part of an ongoing pattern?

2)    Severity. Is it a relatively minor issue that it makes sense to overlook or is it a top priority issue. Consider things like safety, impact on other projects, and impact on your credibility (your most important asset).

3)    Values. If something represents a major class with your personal value and ethical system, it often makes sense to address it or remove yourself from the situation.

4)    Other’s Needs. Something may not seem crucial to you, but it may to others. For example if your assistant is not getting something to a colleague that she needs to complete a project.

5)    Your Natural Tendency. If you tend to address everything, then look for opportunities to let things go. If you tend to avoid everything then look for opportunities to address conflicts.

Once you’ve determined whether or not to address something, there are some ways of doing so that can diffuse tension (yours and the other person’s). I’ll share these in another post.

Worry Makes Monsters Out of Shadows

2010-02-09T15:36:24-05:00

I like to say this ("Worry makes monsters out of shadows") because it's easy to lose perspective when we're worried about something.

Situations don't determine our feelings. Our responses to situations determine our feelings. What we think about the situation (our interpretation of it) determines how we'll feel and respond. This is why two people can be in the same situation and have totally different responses to it.

So what determines how we'll interpret something? There are many things but one of them is the frame of mind we're in as we enter the situation.

If we're already nervous or uncomfortable, we're more likely to interpret the situation in a way that makes us more nervous or uncomfortable.

What can we do about this?

The main thing, and easiest thing, is to remember this. It will help you regain perspective. If you find yourself reacting to a shadow (something small, benign) like it's a monster (something big, threatening), remind yourself that it may not be as bad as you think.

Turn the light on and see things differently. You'll see that it's likely much more manageable than it initially appeared.

What do you think James Arthur Ray's responsibility was in the 3 deaths at his spiritual warrior retreat?

2010-02-04T00:00:31-05:00

If you haven't seen the news, self-help guru James Arthur Ray was arrested and charged in the deaths of 3 members of his Spiritual Warrior event.

What do you think?

I have a lot of thoughts. It's late and they aren't well formed so bear with me. I do not know the details of the case and my intention is not to pass judgment, that does not help anyone, rather to explore factors that may have played a role which could help all of us in the future.

I highly doubt that Ray wanted this to happen. I do, however, think that leaders are responsible for the situations they design. Charisma, power, trust, authority are all tools for influence (they act on an emotional level which impacts the decisions others make), which of course can be used for good or evil. Evil can happen when leaders don't intend it if they are not careful. The more powerful these tools, the more careful the leader needs to be.

This tragic event seems like a devastating example of social psychology principles of mind control, group think, social pressure, obedience to authority...

I wonder if he would have set up that type of situation if he were truly aware of the social psychology and medical precedents with tragic outcomes. Had he done this research he would have spent a significant amount of time encouraging dissension (the #1 way to break group think), listening to your body, leaving and taking a break, etc... not just in a release for legal purposes but in a formal preparation. He would have had medical professional on hand, taken frequent breaks with the lights on, and so on...Again, I don't know if he designed these measures into the event or not.

From what I know of James Arthur Ray, he had a positive message to share. My guess is that after all of his fame and powerful healing sessions, he continued to up the ante. It may not have been a conscious intention (the fear that if he didn't provide a more intense experience each time he could lose his followers), and it certainly could have stemmed from a positive desire to provide greater help for his followers. I do think that somewhere along the way he should have gotten many outside perspective on the experiences he designed.

I hope other teachers, healers, seminar leaders, business leaders, members of the media, parents, etc, will take away the message that people's lives are literally in your heads and as a leader you accept a tremendous amount of responsibility.

We need to be mindful of treading very carefully with power, knowing the literature of potential responses in high social pressure group situations, encouraging people to break free from groups for any reason (in fact rewarding people for breaking free), and consulting with medical professionals when designing anything that involves heat, sweating, excessive drinking of water, etc.

And we all need to remember to listen carefully to our thoughts, feelings, and bodies. And as soon as we get that instinctual feeling that something isn't right, get out of the situation.

Building Self Confidence: 7 Qualities Praise Must Have to Build Confidence and Self Esteem

2010-01-28T15:01:19-05:00

Today’s article is inspired by my recent observations of both bosses and parents delivering praise. I’ve noticed that many well-meaning people are giving praise, apparently in effort to build someone’s self confidence, but the way they do it backfires.

It upsets me to see people with positive intentions who put forth solid effort but don’t get the results they want. I’ll share tips on how to help important people in your life build their confidence. This is a key concept in personal leadership.

Before reading the article, take a minute and think about the important people in your life and work: your family, your clients or customers, your employees, even your boss. Who can benefit from a self confidence boost? If you’re thinking something along the lines of, “my coworker is too darn confident, this doesn’t apply to her,” think again because people who are seemingly arrogant often suffer from a lack of true self confidence.

Whether you’re a parent, aunt, uncle, grandparent, neighbor, or friend, building confidence in children is one of the most important things you can do to leave a legacy and give back.

Enjoy the article and post comments or questions.

Building Self Confidence: 7 Qualities Praise Must Have to Build Confidence and Self Esteem

I think the most important leadership characteristic is the ability to build confidence in others. If you can have a staff filled with motivated, self-assured people willing to be creative and push the limits, your department or business will prosper.

If you’re a parent, other than good health, what more could you want than a child with good self-esteem. A confident child is less likely to do poorly in school, succumb to peer pressure, and suffer from anxiety and depression.

So, how do you go about building confidence in others?

What most people do is begin to lavish on praise. This is not the best approach.

While giving praise is certainly important and MUCH better than not giving attention or being critical or negative, some types of praise increase confidence while others decrease confidence.

Here are the characteristics of praise that builds confidence:

1) It is sincere. What makes praise sincere? The delivery. You stop what you’re doing and look at the person. Smile. If you can’t take the time to attend to the person, they’ll figure you don’t really care. Showing your genuine emotion contributes to the sincerity of the feedback.

2) It is specific. Saying “great job,” is not as powerful as saying exactly what you’re pleased with—keep the next point in mind when you do this…

3) It focuses on effort. When you praise effort people feel like they can reproduce the positive experience in the future, all they need to do is put the effort in. When you praise ability (“you’re so smart,”) people feel like they have to prove themselves and live up to that label which creates anxiety.

4) It is sporadic. This is another counterintuitive point. Research shows that variable reinforcement is more powerful than reinforcing a behavior every time. If you say it every time it loses its power and doesn’t get attended to as much.

5) It is sometimes “constructive.” Don’t feel that you can never give someone negative feedback for fear of damaging their self-esteem. Constructive feedback is important. If you’ve played a sport you know that the coach typically gives more attention (often in the form of criticism) to the top players. Keep the ratio of positive to negative around 4:1.

6) It doesn’t “sandwich” or use techniques. I don’t recommend using the sandwich technique of praise, criticism, praise. When you do this, people just hear the “but…” piece. Over time they’ll tune out the positive and wait for the negative. Instead delivery each piece of feedback separately using the 4:1 ratio discussed above.

7) It encourages learning. Praise that encourages growth, even mistakes and failures, opens people up to take risks and try new things. They figure that you must really believe in their ability to do it (or, more importantly, to handle it if it doesn’t go well) which boosts self confidence.

Who can you help by using these techniques for praise to build their self-confidence?

Not only will you help them feel and perform great, but you will as well. Try it. You’ll see.

If you find these tips helpful and would like more specific strategies on personal leadership, have a look at The Confident Leader. Leadership in all you do begins with you.