Debbie, one of my graduating seniors, wanted to stick around in the fall and help out with our youth program.  She had no plans to attend college and desired to stay involved in a program that meant so much to her teenage years.  I felt she needed to move on and grow with students her own age.  I turned her down.

A few years later, Troy made the same request.  Troy had faithfully attended our youth group throughout his middle and high school years.  He was bright and mature in his faith.  He even felt called to ministry.  I turned him down too.

I have a policy in my youth ministry.  Students need to be one year removed from youth group before they can serve as an adult in the youth group.  For my current graduates, they can return as adult chaperones in August 2014.  This is not a hard and fast rule in all youth ministries, but it is in mine.

It stems from an incident I witnessed in college.

When I was in college, I got involved in the Baptist Campus Ministries (known as the Baptist Student Union then).  Every year I would see students graduate and then hang on to their college years by attending all the BSU events.  Some did this for several years after college.

And it stunted their growth.

Instead of moving on to serve in a church or make adult friends, they spent their free time socializing with college students on a college campus where they didn’t attend class.  They had trouble moving on and acclimating to the church at large.  They stayed “stuck” emotionally, spiritually and physically in college.

That image always sticks in my brain this time of year.  I want more for my students than just our youth group.  I recognize that a student must separate from youth group if they ever hope to be an adult with a strong foundation in Christ.

Here’s why:

First, I want the graduate to grow and mature, emotionally and spiritually.  I don’t want them spending their time in a perpetual high school department.   I want them fed and serving God in an environment filled with peers.

Second, I don’t want to harm or affect their relationships with our current students.   I want our students to see our adults as adults, not as friends.  A graduate cannot be friends one week and an adult authority figure the next.   A buffer time is needed to make that transition.

So, the one-year rule went into effect.  Once the hiatus is up, they are free to serve, and I welcome their input and service.    By then, hopefully they’ve grown and matured and spent enough time outside of the group to be seen as an authority and not as a friend.

It’s not the way everyone does it, but it is how I do it.  So far, it’s saved a lot of heartache.

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“Hello,” I answer.

“You’re never going to believe this, but I’m on the side of the interstate,” my wife replies.  “I blew a tire.”

I told you it usually wasn’t good.

By the time I got there, the roadside assistance man had arrived to change the tire.  I gave my car to my wife and then I proceeded to get some new tires.  For the next four hours, I sat in the tire store waiting on a two-hour repair.   It threw my entire schedule off.   By the time I made into the office, it was after lunch.  Needless to say, I didn’t get a lot of work done that day.

As a youth pastor, I have a flexible schedule.  I don’t punch a time clock and I don’t have a certain amount of widgets to make in a day.  Sometimes ministry calls me out of my routine, like when I have to rush off to the hospital or someone drops by for counseling.   Sometimes it’s life that interrupts, like a sick child or a flat tire on my wife’s car.  It’s during those times that I take advantage of my flexible schedule to benefit my family.

I didn’t always have that attitude.  There was a time I resented being the one who had to stay home to handle problems or run errands during my work day.   I took my job seriously and felt the need to put in several office hours.

Now, I sing a different tune.  I gladly take care of a broken down car, stop by to pay the bill, or stay home with my sick daughter (as long as it’s not a Wednesday).  I realized that my job as a youth pastor often collides with family time, occasionally on short-notice.  Many of my nights are spent in the stands cheering on a student or attending a meeting of our local youth ministry network.  At least one day a month, I’m at church preparing or leading an event for our students.  I calculated that I spend at least one month a year apart from my family at camps, mission trips, youth trips and overnighters.

Since I spend so much time away from my family, the least I can do is use my flexible schedule to handle the problems of life. I get to play hero by taking care of a sick child, paying a bill before it’s late or rescuing my wife from the side of the interstate.

We often lament the late nights and odd hours of our job.  Make up for it by taking advantage of the days you’re needed.

Not everyone has the time to be a hero.  Maybe you actually do, at least with your family.

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Cool story,… I know. This story got me thinking about what we do in youth ministry. We have students for an undefined amount of time before they go elsewhere. Whether it is to another church, another town, off to college, or into the adult world. At most, we are looking at six years of their lives. Youth workers need to have the same vision – “What can we do to give this student the best Biblical Foundation in the very short time we are teaching this student?” Here are my three suggestions.

Capture them - Capture their attention with the story of grace found in the Gospel. A challenge that Dare2Share has presented youth workers for years is to take at least 5 minutes every youth group meeting to share the Gospel. You never know who will need to hear it that night…

Feed them – Give solid teaching and resources that presents a Biblical worldview. Games are great, games are needed. Games in youth group are like Ice Cream –  a bit does the job, and is not a great substitute for your meal.

Water them - Encouragement is what so many teenagers thirst for in today’s world. Many are so dehydrated, that they do not know what real honest encouragement looks like. So they look for any attention they can get. Many find it in the wrong places. Offer honest, Godly encouragement.

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In 13 years of Rural Youth Ministry, there are a few things I’ve learned. One of these important lessons is that the daily schedule of a youth pastor in a small/rural church can be even less predictable than that of the Senior Pastor.

For example, I have been “called out on short notice” during office hours to:

• Feed Alpacas in the rain (after its rained for 3 days straight)…
• Help haul a hydraulic lift to another church so they can change the bulb in the projector…
• Help move furniture into the new Crisis Pregnancy Center…
• and other interesting projects.

On the other side of the coin, on a given “office day” I might be making a hospital visit (youth or adults), going to a local school, or meeting with other youth workers or senior pastors in the region. It is very difficult to find the right balance of ”what is the right thing to wear”.

Here are a couple of tips and questions that I use to strike a balance as a Youthworker:

1. Do I have meetings scheduled that day? Who are they with?
   If I do not have scheduled meetings, that is a great day for Jeans/T-Shirts/Tennis Shoes…
2. On Sunday for church, what is the typical Parent that is your age (or a little older) dressed like?
   My personality is such that I reserve Suits and Ties for Weddings, Funerals, and other very formal occasions. I am not comfortable in them, and I struggle to not let that show when dressed that way. At the age of 33, I am starting age out of the “preacher-boy” stereotype that can often be labeled on Youth Pastors in my denomination.

   On a given Sunday Morning at my church, most of the people in my age group are in some combination of Dress Shirt and Dress Pants, Jeans and Dress Shirt to Jeans and T-Shirt. I generally go Dress Pants/Dress Shirt. Sunday and Wednesday nights are much more laid back and shorts and sandals are common during the summer.

3. Are there policies that address this in your church?
   3A. Guys: Are there policies against facial hair at your church?
   In my church there are no written dress codes for staff. There are churches that do have 3A on paper in their staff handbooks. If there is a policy in place, and you want to continue to serve… follow the policy.
4. Are you being yourself?
   Wardrobe changes as you mature are not a bad thing. But be who you are.

One last thought is this… while I understand the value of first impressions, there is one factor that is equally important as your dress. It is the attitude and way in which you present yourself. I have met people who are on staff at large and small churches that, while they may be well dressed, they DO NOT carry themselves in a professional manner. Some give the idea that they have no idea what they are doing. Others dress and act “one step above everyone else”. A jerk is a jerk, with or without a tie.

My overall goal is to never dress in a way that I am putting myself above OR below anyone (all things to all people…). My secondary goal is also to present my communication (verbal, written, and non-verbal) in a way that shows love and professionalism to all people.

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For one, I detest coffee.  I don’t touch the stuff.

I also don’t dress like the “typical” youth minister does.   I hate flip flops.  I’ve never worn them, and I don’t plan on it.  My jeans have no holes.  I’ve also never worn anything trendy in my life.  A quick glance in my closet will reveal no American Eagle apparel.  It’s just not my style.

On Sundays, I wear a suit and tie.  On Wednesday nights, it’s rare to see me without a polo shirt and khaki pants.   I believe it’s important to make a good first impression on parents, visitors and others in the congregation that expect professionalism from the church staff.  I’ve found in rural settings that helps more often than it hurts.

A recent article brought this issue back to light.

I have to be honest.  For too many years I’ve heard the argument that you have to dress fashionable to be accessible to teens.  I’ve never found that to be true.  My suit has never hindered my relationship with a student.  Wearing a collared shirt on Wednesdays has never prevented me from connecting with my group.

On the other hand, having nice clothes has made hospital visits easier when it’s time to pray for a student or parent prior to surgery.  No nurse or receptionist has given me second thought for access when I have nice clothes on.

Similarly, it’s given me instant credibility with parents who see me as an authority in their child’s life.  When I greet them at church or enter their home, the nice clothes communicates how important I think they are.

A wise pastor friend once told me this:  if you want the respect of a pastor, then you need to dress like a pastor.  Too often we, as youth ministers, lament not having the respect of the congregation while we dress like we don’t care about our jobs.  Like it or not, most first impressions come from your clothing and grooming.  First impressions are hard to overcome.

Do I think you need to dress up every day?  Of course not.  I only wear suits on Sundays.  The dress pants only come out on Tuesdays and Wednesdays (both heavy office days for me) or during days I have to make a visit.  The rest of the week, at my pastor’s suggestion, I wear jeans or shorts.  Even then, though, the collared-shirt remains.  I want people to know I take my job seriously.  It’s how I get buy-in with adults.

So let me encourage you to dress up a bit.  If youth ministry is your job (part or full time), then have some pride in your position and dress like you care.  You might be surprised how far a business-casual look will get you.

It certainly won’t hurt in the respect department.  In fact, I believe it will help.

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John 10: 1-16 (ESV) 

1″Truly, truly, I say to you, he who does not enter the sheepfold by the door but climbs in by another way, that man is a thief and a robber. 2But he who enters by the door is the shepherd of the sheep. 3To him the gatekeeper opens. The sheep hear his voice, and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. 4When he has brought out all his own, he goes before them, and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice. 5A stranger they will not follow, but they will flee from him, for they do not know the voice of strangers.” 6This figure of speech Jesus used with them, but they did not understand what he was saying to them.

7So Jesus again said to them,”Truly, truly, I say to you, I am the door of the sheep. 8All who came before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not listen to them. 9I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. 10The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. 11I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. 12He who is a hired hand and not a shepherd, who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. 13He flees because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.14I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, 15just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep. 16And I have other sheep that are not of this fold. I must bring them also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd.

There are three observations I take from this:

1. Sheep are really dumb animals…They will follow each other and eat their way off a cliff because they are terribly near-sighted.

2. However, Sheep are smart enough to listen to the voice of the Shepherd. They will not listen to the Thief.

3. We humans really have a hard time hearing what we should listen to – The voice of the Good Shepherd.

Where I live there, is a large Amish population. One day, I went to an Amish Run shoe store to get a pair of work boots. The man who owns the store shared with me this saying…

You drive a car to get here. For every mile that you drove there are two miles of road ditches. It doesn’t matter to Satan at all which one you fall into.

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We had only been in the community a couple of months as I started my new ministry at the church.  Between hosting families for dinners, youth events and ball games, a night out was rare for my family.  We were enjoying the evening off.

No sooner had I ordered my dinner than my cell phone rang.  I looked at the caller ID.  It was one of my students.  Reluctantly, I answered the call. The student just wanted to chat and I, being somewhat new, didn’t want to miss an opportunity to connect.  Dinner was cold by the time I actually ate it.  My family had already finished theirs.

So much for a night out with the family.

We’ve all had those moments.  A student (usually the same one that always needs to talk) calls at an inopportune time.  We make the quick decision to take the call and soon regret it.  That important conversation wasn’t important at all.  What’s worse, we’ve alienated our friends or family for interrupting our time together.

In youth ministry, you have to have time boundaries.  During certain times, unless it’s an emergency (and somebody better be on the way to the hospital), you have to be off-limits to your students.  I’ve learned that lesson the hard way.  Cold dinners and upset spouses just add stress to your ministry.  It’s not worth it.

It’s more than just phone calls.  Texts need to be ignored too.  It may not cool your dinner, but constantly grabbing your phone to text can cool the conversation.  It also tells others that what’s on the phone screen is more important than they are.  That’s certainly not something I want my daughter to think.

I know some youth ministers that literally turn off their cell phone from 5-6:30 p.m. daily for dinner with the family.  I know others that don’t take it on dates or family nights.  I’m not necessarily advocating going to those extremes, but there are times when you need to ignore the cell phone and get back to the student later.

Here are few times when students need to take a back seat:

During dinner

Date nights

When watching a movie

Family gatherings

Ball games or school activities involving your children

Day trips or vacations

If you don’t set time boundaries in your ministry, students will soon fill up your free time, your study time and your family time.  If you don’t get rest or family time, your ministry will suffer.  Nobody – especially not the students – wants that.

So take some time to take some time away from the phone.  Give yourself permission to send “THAT student” to voicemail.  Make your family and rest a priority.  I promise you, the ministry will be right there after dinner.  It won’t go away.

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It was 4 a.m. when my cell phone rang one morning.  Sheepishly, I picked up the phone and answered it.

“Hello,” I groggily replied.

“Wayne, they’ve taken my dad away.  He wasn’t breathing.  I’m so scared.”

I immediately shot out of bed.   I found out he was on his way to the local hospital.  When I arrived, the family was waiting.  Twenty minutes later they got the news.  Dad didn’t make it.  I stayed and counseled and consoled.  It was all I could do.  About 11 a.m. that morning, I made it back to the office.  I still had a full day of other things to do too.

I relay that story because many of us can identify with midnight calls, early morning hospital visits and late nights in the ER or on the phone.  As a youth minister, you’re kind of like a doctor:  you’re always on call.  On a moment’s notice,  you could be headed to the hospital because a student was in an ATV accident, football injury or had a parent admitted.

Sometimes ministry runs according to a schedule.  A lot of times, it does not.  You can’t control when life intervenes or when a student is going to drop by or call out of the blue.  Often times, those are the moments you will do the most ministry.

A pastor once gave me this sage advice:  They won’t remember most of your lessons or sermons.  They may remember an example or an illustration.  They will remember that when they needed you, you were there.

Despite what we think, the most important part of youth ministry isn’t the lessons we teach or the events we plan.  Often, the most impactful thing we do is being present in the tragedy and triumph of life.

It’s why we attend ball games, and it’s why we rush off to the hospital when needed.  It’s why I often grab a grieving student and take them to the movies for a few hours relief from the pain.  It’s why I take phone calls in the middle of the night.

The most important thing you can do for a student is be available in their time of need.  Now, you need to set boundaries, and that I’ll talk about in my next post, but you also need to be flexible enough to respond to tough circumstances.

Don’t let those opportunities pass you buy.  That’s where most ministry occurs.  Take advantage of it.

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I love Rural Ministry. I love the time that I can pour into that “one kid” that is struggling. I love the lack of pretentiousness in my small town. They know what they are, and what they are not, based on where the community has been. They make no attempt to do things like a larger town, because they know they lack the infrastructure and income to pull it off.

Look at the picture below. Look carefully at the horizon. That is where Rural Ministry begins. You may not know exactly what it is supposed to look like. but you will definitely know it when you get there.

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I’m a writer.  When I’m upset, aggravated, frustrated or out of answers, I write.  It’s what I do.  It’s how I best communicate with the world and with Jesus.  So these words may just be a therapeutic discussion among rural youth ministers.  If so, I hope you take something away from the conversation or at least add something in the comments.

I struggle with the events like those in Boston this week.  I don’t struggle with the purpose.  Regardless of who is at fault, ultimately I know evil is the culprit.  Evil exists in the world, and evil beings seek to harm innocent people.  That was true on September 11, at Columbine, at Newtown and in Boston this week.  I don’t struggle with that concept.

What I struggle with is contextualizing the Boston bombing with my rural students.  Let’s be honest.  The chance of my small town experiencing a terrorist attack is 0.000000000001 percent.  Even that might be exaggerating a little bit.  We have four buildings in town – the post office, the liquor store and two churches.  Everything else is residential housing and farm land.  There is nothing to bomb.  It would take the media a while to get here to cover it.  There is NO reason for a terrorist attack here.

Terrorism is about large targets in populated places with lots of media exposure.  Terrorists want to hurt as many people as possible in front as many eyeballs as possible.  That’s how they create terror.  They want people to fear congregating in large areas.  They want to make a statement with numbers.

I know that.  Parents here know that.  My students know that.  They live in a safe, isolated place in America.  Storms pose threats.  Fires are dangerous.  Alcohol and drugs are real problems.  Terrorism, though, never crosses one of our students’ minds.

That’s the beauty of living in rural America.  To a certain degree, there is safety in small town life.

So, then, how do I, as a rural youth minister, contextualize the Boston bombings with students who have no fear of experiencing terrorism?   They see the images on TV.  They read the tweets on Twitter.  It’s something they’ll be talking about in school, at home and with their friends.  We need to discuss it in our churches with a proper Biblical view.

So how do we do that when our students will not experience that type of daily fear?

Perhaps it’s in relating that ultimately God is in control of all things.  He controls the weather.  He controls the minutia of life.  He controls the events in Boston on April 15.  He was not surprised by those events.  He was already working amidst the tragedy taking place.

And he is control of small town life in rural America.  He knows about alcohol problems.  He has the power over the weather.  He allows daily evils to impact our lives every day.

Even in rural America.

That’s something my students can understand.

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