Minnesota JoY

My Mom Called

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Sat, 20 Jun 2015 01:41:00 +0000

My mom called. I haven't spoken to her in decades. It seems so weird that a person can even say that. Decades.

She wasn't at my wedding or the birth of my children. She's never met my husband or her grandchildren. She's never seen my home or my life.

I've been searching for her for years. I just wanted to know if she was alive and ok. I even started a Facebook page and solicited the help of a television show.

In case you ever see this Mom, these are your grandchildren

My mom called. She didn't call me though. I found out that she contacted a family member six months ago. She called from a restricted number and wouldn't share any information that could be used to contact her. She told the family member that if he even told anyone that she called that she would never contact him again. (Sorry Mom - in his defense, he did wait half of a year to tell me.)

My mom called. She has a new family now. She has new children and a husband. She doesn't want them to know about us. Her life is good and she doesn't want us to jeopardize it.

So at least now we know. She's alive and ok.

Knowing that we are disposible shouldn't hurt any more. I've known that for years.

My mom called. My heart is broken.

I Pretended to Be Asleep

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Thu, 04 Jun 2015 15:57:00 +0000

Sometimes it's easier to pretend that nothing happened then face the consequences. Victims of abuse often say that they pretended to be asleep in hopes that the abuser would stop. Unfortunately, that doesn't usually work.

We had a family friend who had fallen on hard times who was living in a camper on our property. He seemed like a good enough guy and got along with everyone. I don't remember a lot about why he was there. He had very thick glasses and I remember thinking that his eyes were beautiful. I didn't even know about contacts back then but felt sad that no one could see how pretty his eyes were. I remember that he seemed to care about me. He was nice to me when my family wasn't. I wonder now if he somehow knew that I was already being abused by someone and figured I was an easy target.

Florida summers are hot. I remember a day when I was tired so I was lying on the floor, dozing in the heat in front of the television. I felt a hand touching me. I remember peeking out of one eye, being very still, pretending I was still asleep. I saw it was him. I feigned sleep, but my mind was screaming. I moved slightly and he jumped away. I yawned and stretched, opening my eyes. He'd moved completely across the room by then. I acted like that I didn't know what happened. I was very good at pretending by then.

He found me alone a few more times, each time getting a little bolder. The last time he touched me, I woke up to his body on mine. I was fully clothed, but he had lowered his pants and was sliding himself outside of my clothes. I think I was around 7 or 8 years old.

I found him in his camper and told him that I was going to tell. There were glow-in-the-dark posters on the walls, the kind that light up when you turn on a black light. I was staring at one when I said it, because I couldn't look at him. After I said what I did, I started to leave. He began crying and told me that if I told that he was going to kill himself. I looked at him and those beautiful eyes were full of tears. I saw that he had a gun. I could tell by looking at his face that he was completely ready to die. I could see the hatred that he had for himself so very clearly in his eyes.

I didn't tell.

I never knew what happened to him after that. I have lost a lot of memories from my childhood. I honestly can't remember if he was around much longer or where he went. I remember his first name and his beautiful eyes. I remember that he truly was sorry.

My mom asked me later if he'd ever tried anything with me. I told her no. I knew if I said the truth that he would die, either by his own hand or hers.

Sometimes, pretending to be asleep is the only defense that you have when you are small. And sometimes? You do it to protect the ones that you care about and the thought of facing the consequences is too terrifying.

What My Kids Do When I Am Busy Trying To Save The World

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Sat, 30 May 2015 23:44:00 +0000

So I was a little busy yesterday. *ahem*

It's been raining on and off all week and the younger ones were getting a bit squirrelly from being cooped up inside. They asked if it was ok if they got wet. I figured since it was bath night that it would be fine.

I shouldn't be surprised by anything that my kids come up with when it comes to getting dirty, but they managed to outdo themselves yet again.

Oh...

My...

Goodness...

Note to self: Buy a new hose. I had to send them to the neighbor's house to get sprayed off because I forgot that we planned on buying a new hose this spring to replace our leaky-and-full-of-holes ones. Guess what I haven't done yet?

Hold me. Summer vacation is only beginning.

Why The Duggar Situation is Personal

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Fri, 29 May 2015 20:59:00 +0000

Current news reports about the Duggar family are incredibly triggering to me. I was repeatedly sexually abused by a male family member when I was a child, and my abuser was never officially charged or prosecuted.

I was 13 when I went to my guidance counselor because I was having nightmares. I was hesitant to share but I had just moved to a new school in Minnesota and didn't really know anyone. I didn't have anyone else to talk to about how I was feeling. She listened to me, then explained gently that because of what I'd told her that she had to contact the authorities. I begged her not to, explaining that I had already told before and nothing had been done. It didn't matter. She had to report it.

Thus began a parade of police and social workers. I was sent to counselors and assigned a guardian ad litem. My mother, whose hold on sobriety was tenuous at best, crawled back to the bottle and stayed there. The people in charge of my case told me that my abuser was arrested. More importantly, they told me they believed me. Then, they told me that he was not going to be charged because the statute of limitations had expired in the states where he had abused me.

I'd told my mom about the abuse years before when we lived in Iowa, when we were still living with the abuser. She took me to the police then. A doctor examined me and decided I'd made it up because there was no physical evidence. He told my mother that I was jealous of her new relationship. When I told her later that it was still happening, she slapped my face and told me to stop lying. I wasn't lying, I just wasn't old enough to accurately describe what was happening to me. Seven-year olds don't know much about sodomy and the male doctor who examined me hadn't checked thoroughly enough.

For perspective, this was about how old I was when I met my abuser

We moved often over the next few years, leaving rumors of other victims in at least three states. I know at least one other child was abused because I was there when it happened. My mother eventually left my abuser. Then she left me behind with a series of friends and relatives while she dove head-first into the bottle. I eventually ended up as a ward of the state after telling a judge that I would probably not survive living with my mother any more. My heart was completely broken when I did this, but my foster parents taught me how families should be and of equal importance, made sure that I got the intensive counseling that I desperately needed. It took years to truly understand that I was not responsible for what happened to me.

Seeing another abuser avoid charges due to the statute of limitations made me so incredibly angry that I was literally shaking as I read the news report. I've been following the story and I've seen all of the online arguing about whether Josh Duggar should have been made to pay for his actions. The family allegedly reported the abuse, and stated that they got help for all involved, but it would appear that that they are being less than honest about that. People are saying that the girls are being victimized again by the story coming out now and that we should leave it alone. I'd like to agree, but I don't because every single day that the people involved stayed silent, the opportunity for Josh to offend again was there. I also fear that his victims have not gotten the help that they need to truly understand that they didn’t deserve what happened to them.

I reported my abuser and he abused me many more times after I did. People who are sexually attracted to prepubescent children don't suddenly stop being that way. My abuser also said that he got help and was no longer offending, but he lied. Last year, another rumor circulated that he’d molested someone well after claiming he had stopped.

The Duggars chose to hide the abuse and shield their son from consequences. They are responsible for every single victim that comes forward from here on out. He abused at least 5 girls, one of which did not live in his household. I am literally sick to my stomach as I wait for more victims to come forward. Sadly, I am confident that we will be hearing from them
soon.

Every state needs to make it so that abusers cannot continue to offend without consequence because the victims don't come forward "soon enough". Some states have legislated that sexual abuse against children does not have a statute of limitations. We need for EVERY state to do so and we need them to do it now.

Summer Vacation is Here

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Fri, 29 May 2015 17:54:00 +0000

Summer vacation has arrived. I have one kiddo off at work and three home with me today. Unfortunately, it is also raining. However, it's after noon and I haven't lost my mind yet, so that's something...right?

The shirt says it all

Harper is a pro at cracking eggs.

The peace sign is big in these parts these days

Jamie got mad because Harper got to crack eggs and he didn't and Harper kicked Jamie in the face...well, because she's Harper. Nap time is imminent. Wish me luck.

Fighting for Change

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Thu, 28 May 2015 21:44:00 +0000

I'm writing blog post pitches and working on getting this blog up and running again. After the amazing response to my post on BlogHer - A Letter to JimBob and Michelle Duggar - I finally feel like I've found my place in all of this blogging stuff. I cannot tell you how terrifying and exciting it is to know that so many people felt like they could relate to my words. I posted it on BlogHer originally because I was so angry and upset. My blog had been neglected for so long that I figured no one would see if I posted here, but I never imagined that I'd get such a reaction. (18 THOUSAND reads so far and counting...Holy cow. I am still in awe.)

I thought I was ready to fight before but I wasn't. Now? Good luck stopping me. I've been given a second opportunity to use my voice for good and I'm not giving it up this time.

I realized that the Duggar situation was so triggering to me because I was victimized in a similar fashion...the laws were not able to protect me because they are faulty and need to be changed. Some states have done it, now we work on them all. The statute of limitations on childhood sexual abuse needs to go away and it needs to happen now. No more new victims because they were too afraid to tell "soon enough". Time to start fighting for change.

Love you guys. Thanks for your support and encouragement. I couldn't do this without you.

A Letter to JimBob and Michelle Duggar

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Sat, 23 May 2015 16:19:00 +0000

JimBob and Michelle:

I am not going to mince words. YOU HAVE FAILED YOUR DAUGHTERS. It is your job to protect them. You did not. Instead, you chose to protect your son.

I read the report. Your son offended in 2002. You chose to discipline him yourself and didn't report the abuse. He offended again in 2003. You can say that you tried to do the right thing and reported that your son molested his sisters. You chose to give that report to a law official that was known to the family. You state that the parties involved received counseling and you allege that you sent your son to a program to receive help (which ended up being less than a truthful account). Considering that counselors are mandatory reporters of abuse, I don't believe that you sought for them the help that they needed. I think that you lied about that just like you lied about your son's treatment. I also believe that you knew that if you could keep the secret long enough that he would be legally protected. You aren't stupid people. I am willing to bet that you knew exactly how long it had to stay quiet in order for him to avoid prosecution. I'm also willing to bet that you were desperately praying that this would never see the light of day.

In 2006, you were confronted with the situation. Your daughters were interviewed and disclosed their abuse at the hands of their brother. Finally, an official report was taken and the abuse was on record. When police attempted to interview your son, instead of encouraging him to be accountable for his horrible acts, you declined to have him be interviewed by police and instead sought legal counsel for him.

I have watched your show. I didn't judge you for the way you chose to raise your family. I admired you for your accomplishments. I defended you when you were judged for your choices. I didn't agree with many of those choices but I believed in your right to make them as citizens of our country.

Now? I feel enraged for your daughters. I also do have a small amount of compassion for your son. He desperately cried out for your help and you failed him too. He knew he had a terrible problem and instead of getting him the help that he needed (even at the risk of exposure), you did what all enablers do. You tried to keep the situation secret. You swept it quietly under the rug and completely disregarded the damage that was inflicted on your daughters. Doing so continued to hurt the people that you are charged to protect.

I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor and know what it's like to have to sit in front of strangers and tell my story of abuse. I was interviewed and videotaped by police and had to reveal the intimate details of how I was violated. Like your daughters, I went through the experience and was told that no charges would be filed because the statute of limitations had expired on the offenses. My abuser was also allowed to continue to be free to abuse others. I am sitting here, telling you from experience that my entire life has been affected by the fact that my abuser is still out there and has never paid for his crimes. Hearing about what is going on with your family is incredibly triggering for me, and I feel hurt and betrayed all over again by remembering that my family didn't protect me when I needed it most. This is what you've done to your daughters. You have made them like me.

I don't know what the future holds for you but I am begging you to please do everything in your power to help your family heal. Be an example of how to do it right this time. Show everyone that you really want to do what is right. Sacrifice your "brand" in the interest of doing what you should have done in the beginning.
You have failed your daughters. Our country has failed your daughters and has also failed me and all other victims of abuse who don't disclose immediately. Laws need to be changed in ALL states to not allow offenders to be free to offend again just because victims don't disclose abuse "soon enough". This needs to happen so that your daughters can feel supported and validated and your granddaughters can be safe.
The reality is that your son probably did and will continue to offend. If you think that this all ended in 2003, then you are sadly mistaken. Pedophiles rarely ever just stop offending. They just get better at hiding it and convincing their victims that no one will believe them.

Regards,

P.S. Your situation has reminded me that I am passionate about getting the laws changed everywhere to protect the victims of abuse. I've let that sit by the wayside for a bit, but am now recommitted to the cause. I guess I have you to thank for that.

This post has been selected as a featured editor's pick on BlogHer.

Brody's Blanket

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Thu, 26 Feb 2015 15:34:00 +0000

UPDATE: WE FOUND ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dearest friends:

I REALLY need your help finding this blanket. This is officially the most important blanket in the history of all blankets.

This blanket belongs to a sweet friend of mine named Brody. He found out in September 2013 that he has Desmoplastic Small Round Cell Tumors (DSRCT), a rare form of cancer. He's been fighting so hard and gone through so much, unfortunately Brody just got some not so great news that his cancer has spread. He's to the point now where it is time to manage his pain and head home.

This blanket has traveled to every treatment, every surgery, every appointment, even to Texas during his journey. His mother has asked that we all be on the lookout for a duplicate blanket that she would like to have for herself. It doesn't have a tag so I cannot tell you what brand name it is.

Please check the thrift stores in your area and see if you can find one. She thinks it might have come from Shopko, Kmart, or Walmart. It is toddler sized. It is soft and fleece-like (but not fleece). It has the pattern in reverse on the back. It is loved and needed.

Please look for this blanket. Please share it amongst all of your thrifty friends. Please check Goodwill, The Salvation Army, Savers, and any other thrift store in your area. Please move Heaven and Earth to find this blanket. Having a blanket like this one will bring so much comfort to his mom. The thought of saying goodbye to this kiddo is just about more than we can bear and we are doing everything we can to show him and his family love. #TeamBrody #BrodysBlanket #ROAR

P.S. If you can't find the blanket but would like to help another way, Brody also has a Dream List.

Fear

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Tue, 25 Feb 2014 22:42:00 +0000

Some days it feels like I am always afraid. I look at my kids and worry that something will happen to them. I check to make sure that they are breathing when they are sleeping. I tell them that I love them all of the time. I do everything I can to make them safe and pray that it is enough. I send my husband off to work and worry that he'll be in an accident, that his car will slip on the ice and he'll be hurt. I even look at my dog and hope he'll be alive when we wake in the morning. The cat drives me nuts and I still worry about her too.

I heard stories of people who have lost their children to illness and other horrible things. I look at my babies and am so scared that it will happen to them. Sometimes I am crippled by the fear. I don't want my family to leave the house in case something will happen.

I know that these feelings are my anxiety at work. I remind myself that these feelings will pass. I have adjusted medications and am working on getting more sleep so that I'm not at the mercy of exhaustion in addition to everything else. I am seeing a doctor and talking about how I'm feeling.

Most of the days I am fine, but some days I'm just afraid of EVERYTHING.

Brad and I had a disagreement last night over something. It was just one of those things that is fairly minor but gets blown out of proportion by stress, anxiety, exhaustion, etc. and seems way more important at the time. I fell asleep before we'd worked it out. He'd left for work before I woke up.

What if something happened to him before I saw him again? What if the last time I saw him I was mad at him? Never again. I won't live my life feeling fear and regret. Next time I don't care if we are up all night - we will be working it out before we go to sleep.

I realized today that I'm not ruled my fear nearly as much as I used to be. I realized it because today I felt a bit like the 'old' me and I didn't like it.

Tonight when my husband comes home, I'm going to hug him and tell him I love him and apologize not making it right last night. I gave my fear an excuse to make an appearance and I don't plan on doing that again any time soon.

Home Again, Jiggity Jig

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Tue, 25 Feb 2014 22:03:00 +0000

Hello Loyal Readers:

Lots has happened since I was here last. My father-in-law is on the transplant list for a new heart. My oldest is about to graduate from high school. My second started high school. The Boy started pre-school. The Moo started (continues) to drive us all nuts. The Husband is doing well at work.

I have an opportunity to go to a red carpet movie screening next week and I am soooooo excited!! I don't want to give too much information here in case it falls through but I read the book and adored it. I'm planning on taking my girl Katy with me and she's over the moon. I'm looking forward to spending individual time with her.

I haven't been around much. Too busy living life I guess. However, you shall be seeing a lot more of me and I am going to use this blog for what it is intended - an online journal about the comings and goings of our family.

I don't have anything profound to write today. I'm working up my courage. I just wanted to say that I missed you guys. Stop by the comments and say hi. :)

Why I Love You, My Husband

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Mon, 23 Sep 2013 14:48:00 +0000

Dear Brad,

In honor of our anniversary, I thought that I'd let you know just a few of the reasons that I love you. (These are not in any particular order.):

I didn't think the day would ever come where someone would 'get' me, but you understand me even when I don't understand myself.
You love me when I'm not very lovable, not just on the good days. When you said "for better or for worse" you actually meant it.
You support my decisions, even when you don't agree with them. Then, you hold me when I cry when those decisions don't go the way I wanted.
You rub my back when I have trouble sleeping, and instinctively know when the day has been particularly rough. Those days you you rub my hair instead.
You hate getting back rubs so I never have to reciprocate.
You welcomed my children into your heart as your own.
You let me drive sometimes, even though I know you hate it. And you hardly ever act like we are going to crash or hit the imaginary brakes.
You sleep on the couch when you know Harper will have a rough night and will need her mama.
Your eyes are beautiful and because of you, so are our son's.
You watch scary movies with me.
You made me a mix CD when we were dating.
You have shared your love of burping with our children.
You let our children express themselves in any way they choose and don't get hung up on gender roles. If Jamie wants to paint his nails? You get out the polish.
When the housework gets overwhelming for me, you start cleaning. You might be slightly irritated, but you do it because you know that if you start I will join in and it will get done in no time.
You don't care if I shave my legs.
You let me buy a book chair even though we didn't need it just because I loved it. And HELLO. BOOK CHAIR.
Riggs chose you because he just knew you'd be a great doggy daddy.
No matter how many times you threaten to get rid of our bitchy cat, I know you never will because it would make the kids sad.
You always flip me off when I try to take your picture, but when I give you the look then you behave and give me a nice smile.
When you are being a pain in the butt and I give you the look, you (almost always) start behaving.
When you are angry and I give you the look, you always respond with a snotty or sarcastic "What?" like you don't know what I'm talking about. Then we almost always talk about it and work it out right there on the spot.
Some days you think you can't possibly say the right thing. Those days are the days you ultimately end up saying the best things.
Your taco dip.
You hate mushrooms but Katy loves them, so when I make something with mushrooms in it you pick them out and give them to us.
You check Katy's planner and grades online, knowing that you might end up irritated during the process. You do this because you love Katy and want her to be successful.
You call your mom when you are having a problem.
You give the best hugs.
You grab my butt when I walk past you, even when I haven't changed out of my pajamas in two days.
When you have to give me some feedback that I don't want to hear, you try to chose your words carefully. You don't talk to me in a rude or disrespectful manner.
You love coming home to see the kids yelling "DADDY!" and running to you.
You don't want to go out of town for work, even if it meant sleeping in a bed all night in a bed all by yourself without being interrupted by a kiddo crawling into it. You admit it is because you'll miss the kids too much.
You probably haven't gotten a completely full night of sleep in five years. You ~~don't~~ very rarely complain because you know that our babies just need us sometimes.
You do your best to fix stuff, even if you have no idea how.
You watch the same kids' shows over and over and over and over even thought it drives you nuts.
You have spent hours looking for the exact toy that Jamie is excited about, even if they stopped making it.
You almost always find a way to make things work out, even if the situation looks bleak.
You rock Harper to sleep almost every night.
You put up with people that make you nuts if it will make me happy. I say this because we know that most people make you nuts.
You have a beautiful smile, especially if something unexpectedly delights you.
You make sarcasm an art form.
When I sigh, you always ask me what's wrong. Even if I'm just sighing because I'm tired and everything is ok.
You blow on the wet polish on Harper's toes if she asks you to and then tell her how pretty her toes are.
You say words the way the kids say them, just because the way they say them is cute.
You get sad with me when they learn to say the words the right way.
You love our babies as much as I do.
You want to make me happy but at the same time you say no when it's necessary. (Ok, I kind of hate that one but know it's for the best.)
Even though you kind of hate people, you go places with me even if it means dealing with people anyway.
Your heart melts when you look at your sleeping children and I can totally see it in your expression.
You support my borderline-tree-huggerishness.
There are decades of my life left to spend with you. I am confident of this because you are making good choices about being healthy.

I could probably do this all day but one child has just unrolled about half of a roll of paper towels and another is freaking out because someone else has something that he wants.

I love you Brad. Forever. Thank you for loving me back.

Asking Why Again

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 15:24:00 +0000

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." To this day, especially in times of "disaster," I remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world." ~ Fred Rogers

This is the second time that I've posted this quote in a span of months. Another senseless act, another day of asking why some people feel they have the right to hurt others. All I can do is hope and pray things will get better.

I read something that comedian Patton Oswalt posted on his Facebook page yesterday and it resonated with me. The words that follow are his and not mine.

Boston. Fucking horrible.

I remember, when 9/11 went down, my reaction was, "Well, I've had it with humanity."

But I was wrong. I don't know what's going to be revealed to be behind all of this mayhem. One human insect or a poisonous mass of broken sociopaths.

But here's what I DO know. If it's one person or a HUNDRED people, that number is not even a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a percent of the population on this planet. You watch the videos of the carnage and there are people running TOWARDS the destruction to help out. (Thanks FAKE Gallery founder and owner Paul Kozlowski for pointing this out to me). This is a giant planet and we're lucky to live on it but there are prices and penalties incurred for the daily miracle of existence. One of them is, every once in awhile, the wiring of a tiny sliver of the species gets snarled and they're pointed towards darkness.

But the vast majority stands against that darkness and, like white blood cells attacking a virus, they dilute and weaken and eventually wash away the evil doers and, more importantly, the damage they wreak. This is beyond religion or creed or nation. We would not be here if humanity were inherently evil. We'd have eaten ourselves alive long ago.

So when you spot violence, or bigotry, or intolerance or fear or just garden-variety misogyny, hatred or ignorance, just look it in the eye and think, "The good outnumber you, and we always will."

So again, I'm looking for the helpers and thanking God for them. I'm reminding myself that there is more good in this world than bad and I'm trying not to cry.

BlogHer Book Club - A Good American

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Mon, 25 Feb 2013 04:22:00 +0000

I was really excited to receive A Good American to review because the story sounded so compelling. When it arrived, I immediately dove into the book and didn't surface until I'd read it all. After I read it, I turned back to the beginning and started all over again. Alex George did not disappoint.

James narrates the story of his family, beginning with his grandparents Frederick and Jette Meisenheimer, who immigrated to America from Germany to escape the stigma of an unplanned pregnancy. The paths they chose,people they meet, and their love of music and good food intertwine as they make their way in their new home. This tale comes together in a beautiful and sometimes heartbreaking way.

James says, "And so began my grandfather's rapturous love affair with America-an affair that would continue until the day he died."

Two things happened when I got to the end of this book. I was in a complete state of shock and I felt an overwhelming sense of loss. Shock because there is a twist that you never saw coming and loss because I truly was not ready to say goodbye to the Meisenheimer family.

I truly hope that Alex George plans to write more books. (Alex? PLEASE WRITE MORE BOOKS.)

This is a paid review for BlogHer Book Club but the opinions expressed are my own. If you'd like to join the book club discussion, visit http://www.blogher.com/good-american

p.s. Many apologies to the BlogHer Book Club and it's participants for the lateness of this review. My entire family (myself included) apparently contracted the Plague last week and are just now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel of sickness.

BlogHer Book Club - The Willpower Instinct

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Fri, 11 Jan 2013 05:34:00 +0000

I'm a horrible procrastinator. Seriously. I have every good intention in the world of doing things right away and then life happens and the next thing I know I'm writing an book review at 11pm on a book that I JUST FINISHED READING. *ahem* Having said that, I have to tell you that The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do To Get More of It is AMAZING.

LIFE. CHANGING. YO.

The author is Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D. and she is my new hero. She talks about willpower and literally breaks down scientifically how and why we have it. She also tells us ways to strengthen our willpower and increase our chances to attain goals. And guess what? She's smart AND funny. I kept reading parts of the book aloud to my husband. He already tried to swipe the book from me and he hates reading.

I could not put this book down. Being able to understand exactly why my brain and body act the way they do and seeing the things that I do to it to sabotage myself when it comes to goal achievement just blew my mind. Being given tools to help me improve my willpower was an absolute gift.

The author teaches a course called "The Science of Willpower" and suggests that the book be read over a ten week time period to emulate her course. I am going to do so and I literally can't wait to wake up tomorrow and start this book all over again.

Here's a video bonus :)

People? Read this book. You'll thank me later.

This is a paid review for BlogHer Book Club but the opinions expressed are my own. If you'd like to join the book club discussion, visit http://www.blogher.com/bookclub/what-your-willpower-challenge

Looking For the Helpers

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Sun, 16 Dec 2012 01:51:00 +0000

BlogHer Book Club - My Life Map

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Fri, 16 Nov 2012 05:02:00 +0000

When I was growing up, I read a lot. My life wasn't exactly peachy and I enjoyed the ability to escape into another world. I read those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books but they kind of drove me crazy. With my chaotic life and the constant uncertainty, I preferred stories that had a beginning, middle and end. Controlling my own destiny was not something I enjoyed when reading. I would rather pretend to be or do whatever was going on in the story so that I didn't have to think about being me.

I am going to be honest. I really struggled with reading My Life Map: A Journal to Help You Shape Your Future by Kate and David Marshall. Chapter One tells you how to use the book. It's not a standard 'start at the beginning and go to the end' journey. You have a choice in how you approach the actual process of life mapping. Having choices seemed to increase my anxiety about it.

I chose to use the 'Whole Life Map' as my guideline. I spent a lot of time focusing on the past portion because I have had an eventful life leading up to age 40 so that took a large chunk of time. In retrospect, perhaps I should have done a 'Ten Year Map' instead. I thought that I would struggle with mapping my future more than my past but I was mistaken. Looking at my life moving forwards was a lot easier for me.

You ask yourself so many valuable questions when reading this book. I really enjoyed this part because it helped me let go of the things I couldn't control about my past while showing me how much I am in charge of my future.

Bottom line - read this book. It really helps put things into perspective. :)

This is a paid review for BlogHer Book Club but the opinions expressed are my own. If you'd like to join the book club discussion, visit http://www.blogher.com/bookclub/now-reading-my-life-map.

Brain Dump

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Thu, 08 Nov 2012 04:14:00 +0000

My heart hurts. So many things going on all at once. So much to keep my mind constantly working. I don't think it is anxiety really, but maybe it is. My brain is just seems to be running full steam all of the time. My world keeps changing and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Harper is using full sentences and making her thoughts and wishes clear. Today she was in the car with me and she kept saying my name. I kept asking her what she needed but she just kept saying my name. After about the fourth or fifth time, she said "I LOVE YOU" then giggled. Ohmyheart.

Jamie is almost four is still entirely too attached to his pacifier. We've been explaining that when you are four you don't have a bink anymore. He seems ok with the idea of getting rid of it now, but we'll see how it goes. Tonight he said "I always love you Mama". That boy sure knows how to make me melt.

Katy is my sweet girl who loves to talk more than doing what she's supposed to be doing. Seems like about two weeks ago she was Harper's age, running around in a diaper and a fancy hat and nothing else. I had to get a splinter out of her foot tonight and her feet are almost as big as mine.

Laura is already a junior and I cringe at the thought of her starting college but it will be here in no time. My smart, sarcastic, and beautiful girl will be on her own soon. I'M NOT READY.

My in-laws are celebrating forty years of marriage on Sunday. I am confident that some day Brad and I will do the same but wow...forty years seems like an amazingly long time now. I'm sure Dave and Linda thought that once too.

Brad is hitting a ten year milestone in his sobriety. I can't even tell you how proud I am of this man. I never knew him when he was drinking and never will. I'm confident of that.

I'm in contact with all of my brothers. Not daily but the occasional text or Facebook chat to keep track of each other. For now that is enough but I can't wait to see their faces and meet their children and partners. Someday.

So many things on my mind, good and bad. Past, present, future all spinning around in my mind. I'm so aware of time passing so quickly all of the sudden. It seems like the days are going faster and faster. I just want everything to freeze for a minute so I can relax and enjoy it.

November 7th

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Wed, 07 Nov 2012 22:56:00 +0000

A message to some of my family and friends:

I understand that you may or may not be pleased about the outcome of the presidential election.

I prayed for November 6th to come so that I would no longer have to see the constant barrage of posts on my Facebook wall demonizing the candidate you opposed and referring to him using demeaning terms. (Both sides are JUST as guilty so don't smirk and think I'm not talking about you). My cursor has hovered over the block or unsubscribe buttons more times than I care to count.

Today is November 7th. Please stop. I love you and don't want to have to block your posts. If you think this is about you, you might be right. Then again, there are at least a half dozen of you so your odds are good. What's done is done and continuing to go on and on about it just makes you look bad.

I commend your passion for the issues and am impressed that you know way more about them than I do. But please...ENOUGH.

Enough.

Love,

Yes, I voted for Obama. No that is not why I posted this. I voted for Obama because I was scared to see what would happen to women if I voted Republican. So, go ahead and call me a liberal idiot if you want. I usually run more conservative but voted my heart this time because I was petrified to see what would happen to my daughters if their choices continue to be taken away from them.

Hard Truths

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Tue, 06 Nov 2012 03:49:00 +0000

I wrote another post today for Band Back Together. It's a follow up to to the one I wrote in October last year. I haven't heard yet when it will be posted. I'll likely need a lot of virtual hand-holding between now and then. I found out some hard truths about my abuser and am coming to terms with them.

He is still offending, or at least there is evidence that he has been doing so in the last decade. Seeing as how he swore he was done well before that and insisted he'd gotten help...well, it was disheartening to say the least. He's still offending and lying about it and somehow managing not to have to deal with the consequences of his actions.

He made the mistake of replying to a message that I sent him on Facebook. The reply he sent was fairly damning. Way too much time has passed for me to do anything about what he did to me but it's at least some fairly substantial proof that he was an abuser. I can use this in the future if I'm ever called to testify for someone else. He's since blocked me on Facebook, but not before I print screened our exchange.

When I found out he'd been lying about coming clean about it all, I sent him one final message. I'm not sure if he read it before blocking me and deleting our conversation and I'm sure it won't make a bit of difference but at least I was able to get the words out.

I cannot believe that you had the opportunity to do the right thing and you lied to [redacted]. You molested me for years and you admitted it to me on more than one occasion. I forgave you and moved on. I let you HOLD my DAUGHTER when we met last. You and I had an agreement that you would tell [redacted] and you did not hold up your end of the bargain.

You have the opportunity to make this right. Tell [redacted] the truth. Show me how you truly are not the same person you were. Please do this. Do the right thing.

Just know this, even if you don't tell the truth? I still forgive you and a part of me will always care for you because [redacted].

Please do the right thing. I am begging you. [Redacted] need to know and need to not be caught in the middle between [redacted]. I love them. Please don't risk my chance to finally know [redacted].

(Identifying names and details have been removed for the privacy of others.)

He will never stop and I don't know what to do. He has so many people completely snowed. He painted this picture of me being a sad and confused little girl and how he'd never do anything to hurt me and people believed him because he's convincing. He's been charged but not convicted on numerous occasions.

It was so much easier to move on when I thought he'd stopped. Now I don't know what to feel.

BlogHer Book Club - Diary of a Submissive

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Fri, 19 Oct 2012 03:10:00 +0000

This review and the links therein contain adult content. You've been warned.

I can't lie, I'm a secret romance novel junkie. I can't go past a garage sale table full of books without checking out the covers to see if there are any that I haven't read yet. Put me in a patch of sun with a Johanna Lindsey book and I'm a happy girl. However, I like my books to hint around about the nitty-gritty instead of putting it all out there, yaknowwhatimean?

I never jumped on the '50 Shades' bandwagon because I heard too many complaints about the quality of the actual writing and I'm really not into the whole D/s scene. When you've not always been treated well in your life, the idea of giving up control is rather daunting, at least it is for me. Reading Diary of a Submissive by Sophie Morgan (a pseudonym) wasn't too far out of my comfort zone. Writing a review for it was another matter. ;)

Having said that, I have to admit that this book was written very well. The author was *ahem* very descriptive. Her humor and downright stubbornness charmed me in spite of myself. She answers a question right away in the beginning when she discusses her absolutely normal childhood. (I have wondered in the past why the submissive needs to be punished and assumed it was because of past mistreatment. She explains it very well in this article.)

I was very uncomfortable during more than a few parts of the book but Sophie's personality helped me make it through. If she writes another book, I might even read it - if only to check in and see how she's doing.

While submission isn't my cup of tea, it makes her happy and she's a consenting adult so who am I to judge?

I think sharing your story is always important. I'm glad Sophie was brave enough to share hers with us.

This is a paid review for BlogHer Book Club but the opinions expressed are my own. If you'd like to join the book club discussion, visit http://www.blogher.com/bookclub/now-reading-diary-submissive.

I Am The Face

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Mon, 15 Oct 2012 13:29:00 +0000

Today is Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss Remembrance/Awareness Day. I remember when Brad and I were pregnant for the first time and the devastation we felt when we found out we'd lost our baby.

I later found out that one in four women have a pregnancy that ends this way. It didn't help ease the pain but at least let me know that I was so not alone.

You can download this badge at www.iamtheface.org

Much love today and always to the many families who have experienced a loss. You are not alone. *hugs*

Just Write - Week 56

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Tue, 09 Oct 2012 14:41:00 +0000

Sometimes I feel like a failure.

I had all of these big plans when I started staying home. Meal plans, education time every day, lots of walks and outside play time, trips to the apple orchard and other fun stuff...I was going to be the best stay-at-home mom EVER.

Reality? I am sitting here on a laptop while the kids while they dance along to the Fresh Beat Band on Netflix. There are toys everywhere and the breakfast mess hasn't been cleaned up. Dishes from last night are still in the sink and the dishwasher hasn't been started yet. The load in the washing machine had to be washed three times because I kept forgetting about it until it got all stinky. There are goldfish cracker crumbs everywhere.

Granted, every day is not like today. It is rainy and gloomy and wet outside and it's hard to feel positive when we can't get outside at all. The sun helps bake some of the bad feelings out of my skin. I miss it's warmth and can't wait until it is nice outside again.

Some days I keep up with the mess and even get a little ahead of it. I have supper on the table by 6 pm and feel a sense of accomplishment. We all have clean socks and no one has to search for two that match. Some days I play games with the kids and there is lots of giggling.

It is challenging having four kiddos in the house that are ages four and under. I ~~wonder if I didn't~~ know now that I did set my expectations too high when I made all of those big plans. I'm working on being kinder to myself about how much I get done in a day. I wonder how to get enough done to feel better about myself.

So now I'm going to off of my behind and going to get those dishes done from last night. Then I'm going to get out the alphabet flash cards like I've been planning and play with the kids. Then, when nap time comes, I'm going to make a kinder and gentler 'plan' for myself that helps me get stuff done around here and still gives me time to play and relax.

Heather of The Extraordinary Ordinary invites us to Just Write and link up to her blog every Tuesday. She said to just write freely, capturing a moment without forcing it or spending too much time in clarification. Please visit her for details.

P.S. For those of you who worry, I am just fine. Today is just a gloomy and wet day and it's hard to feel good on days like these. I'm going to have (another) cup of coffee and kick it into gear and then I'll feel better. I just didn't realize how much it would take out of me having four littles in the house. We are adjusting to having limited outside time and getting a little stir-crazy from being trapped inside because of the weather. I love being home with the kids and wouldn't trade it for anything. In fact, I had a nightmare about my old job that told me very clearly that I am where I should be. :)

Earning My Own Money

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Mon, 08 Oct 2012 17:00:00 +0000

So, as some of you know, I've recently become an independent consultant for a well-known company that sells kitchen items. I'm pretty excited about it and hoping it will give me an opportunity to supplement our household income.

I love being home but I am struggling a little bit with the idea that Brad is paying for almost all of it. (I also babysit two adorable friends from across the street three days a week.) I know being home and taking care of the kids IS contributing to the family. I just like the idea of buying holiday and birthday gifts with money that I earned.

My only problem is that I don't want to be pushy about selling. However, I love the products. I already had a kitchen full of them and becoming a consultant gave me even MORE kitchen stuff that I love. Kind of a -win-win if you ask me. :)

So here goes - If you are interested in great quality kitchen tools then please ask me about my new business. I'd love to chat with you about it! You can go to my site and order or contact me directly. Christmas is coming and I have some great gift ideas for you!

Even better, have a cooking show and invite your friends to try some yummy food and earn free stuff. Click HERE if you want to know more. :)

I've set a goal to make $1,250.00 in commissionable sales before December 27, 2012 (with the hopes of meeting the goal before October 29th if I can). So far, I've reached $470.07. If I reach my goal before December 27th, I will earn over $250 in commission AND get $100 in product credit so that I can get even more awesome kitchen stuff for myself. :)

Remembering

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Mon, 01 Oct 2012 16:30:00 +0000

I wrote this past back in January 2010. Another dear internet friend has been sober for awhile and I remembered this post when I was chatting with her today. My husband is almost at his TEN YEAR sobriety anniversary so I decided it was worth sharing again.

Dear Maggie, Heather and Meagn,

You don't know me and I really don't know you. Regardless, I have something that is in my heart that will make it burst if it doesn't come out right now.

Maggie, I read your blog for the first time today and I need to tell you that I am so very proud of you. So. Very. Proud. Why I feel like I should tell you this will make sense shortly.

Heather, I've been following your for a bit as you probably know. Being a fellow Minnesotan, I have you on my blog roll but never seem to get around to doing much more than checking in once in awhile. So very glad that today was a day that I did. Congrats on one of the most important decisions that you will ever make. *hugs*

Meagn, hehee...you know me already and have gotten more comments from me than I’ve left for anyone else in forever. I have a special place in my heart for you and will continue to be one of your biggest bloggy cheerleaders.

Now to explain why.

I am the child of an alcoholic. My mom drank for as long as I can remember. So much happened to me as a result of her dependence on alcohol.

I watched her hop from one bad marriage and/or relationship to another. I watched her dump the 'good guys' because she didn't feel like she deserved to be treated well. I watched her stick it out with the 'bad guys' because she felt like no one else would love her.

I watched her strip for money. I sat next to her in the front seat of the car while she drove drunk. I watched her steal when we needed something and didn’t have any money because she spent it all on booze.
I took abuse from her when she was angry and frustrated with her life. I took abuse from her partners because she was too drunk to defend me or too drunk to notice.

I watched younger siblings because my mom was too drunk or hung over to get out of bed and care for them. I got on school buses and watched their little faces in the window as I drove away and cried and I worried all day that they would be cared for properly. (I was seven.)

I constantly moved from place to place because she couldn’t hold a job or was evicted for not being able to pay bills. I was always the ‘new kid’ and never felt pretty, or smart or important. I was always stared at for having the wrong clothes or the wrong accent or for just being different.

I had little contact with relatives, either because my mother was mad at them because she thought they were judging her or because they too were just as dysfunctional.

I lost my brothers, first one and then two more, because when she decided to leave their fathers she took only me with her. I have three brothers that I have seen very little of in 30 years. (One since I was five and the two others I’ve seen twice since I was 10).

I wondered if my brothers were the lucky ones and worried and thought about them often. At least two of them have spent time in prison and I wonder if I could have done anything for them if I’d stayed, even though staying was not a choice for me. I’d have done it, even though their father was abusing me. For them – I WOULD HAVE STAYED.

I watched my mother try to stop drinking again and again, only to fail when it became time for her to make amends to those she had hurt with her drinking. I saw her enter treatment programs and AA meetings. I watched my mother blame everyone else for why she drank and why her life was unmanageable. I watched her stop drinking again and again and again… until the next time she started because of a bad day, or because we weren’t listening to her or because of a million reasons that we just never understood.

I spent time being shuffled from friend to friend and relative to relative because my mother could not cope with being a parent and her alcoholism at the same time. I went into foster care when my mother went into yet another treatment program and we’d run out of friends and relatives that could or would take me again because of all the bridges my mother had burned with the fuel of her her anger and her drinking.

I went in front of a judge and finally told someone that I could not live with my mother any more. (I was 12.) I loved, and still do love, my mother but finally realized that I wasn’t going to survive if I stayed with her. I watched my mother walk away from me, angered at my ‘betrayal’ of her. She never understood that making the choice I did was the hardest thing I would ever do.

I insisted that the court documents for my custody state clearly that I was to go back to my mother if she ever quit drinking. I made sure the judge knew how much I loved my mother. My mother didn’t know this because she didn’t show up for court, but I wanted her to know in case she ever saw the court documents.
I graduated from high school and went on to college and started my family and got married and swore that I would never be my mother.

I gave up my dream that she would ever really be my mom when her father (my grandfather and one of the few stable people in my life growing up) died and she caused trouble during the process of setting up the funeral – the same funeral where she never showed up. That day I wrote her a letter. I let her know that I loved her and would think of her but that I finally realized that she would never be the mom I needed and that I was saying goodbye to that dream and to her. I asked that she consider herself no longer a part of my life because I needed to think of myself and my children and our safety and happiness and well-being.
I have not heard from her since.

I miss her though. I remember when she was young and pretty and smiling. I remember her singing to me. I remember her laugh. I still love her.

The reason I’m sharing is this:

Maggie, Heather and Meagn, you are giving your children, present or future, the very best gift there is. You are giving them a mother who will be happy, healthy and PRESENT for them. You are giving them good memories that will far outweigh the bad. You are giving them joy and peace and love.

Thanks to you, they will never have to tell a story remotely like the one I have. Don’t get me wrong, my life is good. I’m grateful to God every day for my husband and children. I would not have the blessings I have now if not for what happened then. My history makes me…well…ME.

But…because if what you’ve chosen to do, because of your strength and love for them and for yourself…you will never have to hear them tell a story like mine.

Because your children cannot say thank you, I will do it for them

THANK YOU.

Much love,

Melancholy

noreply@blogger.com (Jo) — Wed, 26 Sep 2012 14:53:00 +0000

I'm sad for my dear friend today. She lost her dear kitty to the highway by our house, the same highway that has claimed two of our fur babies.

I heard another story about someone who lost her husband to cancer.

We just had to drop a ton of money on getting our pipes repaired.

My father-in-law is back in the hospital.

The kids woke up too early and I am tired. I know that the melancholy comes to roost more easily when I don't get enough sleep. Still, I am wondering today (as I often do) why so many bad things seem to happen in this world to so many good people.

However, the sun is shining. The kids have been fed and are running around being cute. I got some things accomplished around the house and hope to do more throughout the day. I know the sadness will pass because it usually does.

Just hug a few extra people today for me. It costs nothing and means everything.

Love to you,