Looking in the Mirror

The so called expert

noreply@blogger.com (Melanee) — Fri, 17 Aug 2012 03:15:00 +0000

I think I stopped blogging here for a few different reasons. One was that whole having a baby and a toddler thing. Busy. Another reason was that I was just tired of the constant debate about what was wrong with me: is it depression, does she need attention, etc. I'm fine. Really. I just like to write. I like to express my feelings through the things I put down in writing. And I think that body image is an incredibly important topic. One that many of us struggle with for many different reasons. Why do I have to have something wrong with me to want to write about it?

Another reason I stopped was that I felt I had been doing this long enough that I needed to be an expert. I guess I wanted to set myself up that way. Kindof a "been there, done that" sort of deal. But the truth is, I haven't "been there" I am there. I haven't "done that" I'm doing that. Right now. Have I made progress? Yes! Have I arrived? No, and now I begin to wonder if I ever will. Or maybe it's the journey that is important, not arriving. But I didn't feel comfortable blogging as an expert as soon as I tried to make that move. So I stopped blogging. But I missed it.

I didn't gain much weight with my last pregnancy. And honestly, I loved my pregnant body. I loved hearing people tell me I was beautiful. I thought I was too. Yes I was big. I carry very far forward. But I was creating life and it was beautiful. I took better care of myself this pregnancy. For some reason I didn't gain much weight. I convinced myself it would be easier to lose it. I started counting on losing that and all the other weight I was carrying from my first pregnancy. I thought it would be easier this time. And I began to feel like it was important to lose weight.

After Azure was born I did indeed lose the weight I gained with her quickly. In fact within a month it was all gone. But the weight from before, well, it's still hanging around 6 months after her birth. I started seeing all these other women and comparing. I started getting down on myself. "How can she be that thin after 4 kids, I've only had 2 and look at me." My internal dialogue lost any sense of being positive. And even though I fought the back slide, or at least outwardly said I was fighting it, inside I was losing. Inside I had once again bought into the lie that once I was thin I could love myself.

Then the feelings of guilt crept in. I'm a hypocrite. I preach to others that they should love themselves, meanwhile I just want to lose weight no matter what. I started looking at fad diets again. I started wondering about cutting out specific foods to lose weight. And in order to make myself feel like it'd be okay for me to do those things I claimed it was for my health. The pain in my back has been growing worse. Surely if I could lose some weight it would help.

Today it all became very clear. I had a rotten morning. I was mad at the world. I was grumpy with my children. I was disgusted with myself. And I suddenly realized how much I'd been obsessing over my weight. I realized how it was effecting everything from my happiness, to my abilities as a mother, to my relationship with my husband. Suddenly it became clear. I had fallen off the wagon and it was time to stop pretending like I know it all and to get back on.

And then I cried a little. I cried because I was frustrated that I had slid back so far. I cried because I was upset at myself for giving in. I cried because I am tired of the fight. And then I cried because I was so relieved to realize what was happening to me. I cried because I knew I had trodden this road before and it would be easier this time. And I cried because I suddenly realized that arriving may never happen, but that the journey is well worth the effort.

Then I picked myself up. Put together a fun craft for my toddler and me to do together. Cuddled my sweet baby. And told her again that she is beautiful and perfect just the way she is. And I told her that mommy would do better. I looked at my children and remembered that in order for them to learn to love themselves they have to see me loving myself first, and I realized that they are saving me. And I understand now how much we can help each other along this path.

Oh yes, and I remembered that I am indeed beautiful.

Home Sweet Home

noreply@blogger.com (Melanee) — Tue, 01 May 2012 17:04:00 +0000

Welcome back. It was a fun little run on our new blog while it lasted. But then you know. . . pregnancy. . . 2nd child. . . life. Yeah. I just didn't blog like I had thought I would when I first made the move. It is better to stay small right now. I'll keep posting when I can. But first I need to watch my little ones. So welcome back.

This is what I've been doing

noreply@blogger.com (Melanee) — Tue, 01 May 2012 16:12:00 +0000

Originally posted April 27, 2012

I've been thinking about my beloved blog a lot lately. But instead of actually posting I've been doing this:

And this:

Enjoying this:

And falling in love with this:

It's fun being a mom of two. But busy. I'll be back to blogging soon. But how can I resist such cuteness. Being there for my kids is my number 1 priority. Everything else has to take a backseat. I sure love these kids.

The Most Amazing Machine

noreply@blogger.com (Melanee) — Tue, 01 May 2012 16:10:00 +0000

Originally posted January 18, 2011

Everything is harder right now.

It's harder to sleep all night. But it's also harder to get up in the morning. It's harder to prepare meals and take care of my toddler. It's harder to walk and bend. It's harder to blog. It's harder to put together a logical sentence. Everything just seems hard. I'm less than 5 weeks from my due date and everything is harder. I have so many things I desperately want to get done before #2 arrives, but as you may have heard me mention lately, everything is harder. Things just don't get done like they used to. I struggle to motivate myself to do the dishes, let alone paint the baby's dresser.

This state of affairs has brought me to tears of frustration a time or two (hormones don't help). I am so tired, but I have so much I want to do. There have been days where I have been so exhausted I didn't get a thing done, but that fact frustrates me. I want to be productive before everything changes again.

One day as I was feeling very "woe is me" over this state of affairs I had the opportunity to teach yoga that evening. So after an only somewhat productive day I taught a bunch of 14 to 15 year old girls yoga. They loved the class (which was really good for my pregnant self-esteem). They all gasped when I did a head stand. They all marveled that I can still do a push up. And they all got something positive out of the class for themselves. Or at least they told me they did.

That night as I was thinking about my situation I realized something: I need to chill. This body of mine is creating life! My body is working around the clock to grow another human being. And on top of that I take care of a toddler all day. So really, even on my days that I feel less than productive, things aren't really all that bad. I mean, my son gets fed and gets love. My baby is still growing and moving. Things are okay.

Then I started to ponder on the miracle the human body is. Not just a human body that happens to be growing someone else at the moment, although that is miraculous, but the human body in general. Think about it. Every moment your body is sustaining life. Your heart beats and pumps your blood. Your digestive system nourishes your body. Your nerves keep you from burning your hand on the stove. And you did nothing to make this happen.

When my son is starting to get sick he doesn't eat as well (not that he's a great eater generally, but it gets worse when he's coming down with something). He is generally not showing any other signs yet. But within a day or so he usually develops other symptoms that let me know he's sick. Isn't it amazing that his appetite automatically adjusts? His body has to deal with other things, like getting him healthy. So it shifts into that mode automatically.

Our bodies want us to be healthy and well. They work around the clock to keep us that way. Since having this revelation I have been trying to listen more carefully to my body. This usually means more breaks during the middle of a project than I had wanted to take, but it also means less pain at night from working too hard. I have been feeling a deeper appreciation for all that my body does. It really is an amazing thing. I mean, I am nearly 9 months pregnant and I can indeed do a push up (not that I really want to). But more than that, while all this development goes on inside me my body is also keeping me healthy and strong. My body is also allowing me to take care of my family even if we do have waffles for dinner far more often than we should. This body is amazing.

Yours is too. Even when things aren't going exactly how you want with your body. Even then your body is amazing. The only thing your body wants for you is health. So maybe we should try to remember that next time we are down with the flu. No it's not fun, but your body will be the one fighting the hardest to right things. Give your body credit for all the amazing things it DOES do. And maybe try a little more kindness towards it. It works around the clock for you after all.

A Glance Backward as we Move Forward

noreply@blogger.com (Melanee) — Tue, 01 May 2012 16:07:00 +0000

Originally posted January 5, 2011

I am still a little in shock that we are in the new year. I don't even have a real calendar up in my home yet. I still have December 2011 hanging up because of the very small January 2012 block that it holds. I spent the days after Christmas mourning the fact that Christmas was over. I had convinced myself when I first got pregnant that I just had to make it to Christmas and the baby would practically be here. Well, we still have 2 months before baby gets here.

But now that the new year is here I feel overwhelmed with things I want to accomplish before the baby does indeed arrive. But I have so enjoyed reading reflections that others are sharing from their 2011 that I decided to wax nostalgic for just a moment before barreling ahead at full speed. I read the following questions from Teacher Goes Back to School and decided to link up and join in.

What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

Opened a little home yoga studio and started teaching. I love, love, love to teach.

Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? 

I think I made several resolutions, but I only remember one: write in my journal every day. I only missed one day in 2011 so I feel like I was successful. I'll only be making one this year as well: practice yoga every day. I think just setting one goal and putting my whole self into it is a better solution for me. I thought long and hard about this year's resolution. Yoga inspires me to be healthier and happier in many, many ways so I feel like it is more than just a bit of exercise. It's putting my health first.

Did anyone close to you give birth? 

I actually didn't gain any nieces or nephews this year, which is saying a lot. But I did have a cousin who had a baby.

Did anyone close to you die?

Not too close. No.

What countries did you visit?

Ha. Countries? I was lucky to make it out of the state this year.

What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

More yoga teaching opportunities. I want to teach more both at home and in other places.

What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

This is a horrible question for me. I can't remember my anniversary. Seriously. I have to ask my husband each January, "Now what day was it again?" So really, this is hard. It was really a mellow year, nothing too significant happened.

What was your biggest failure?

Sometimes I think my neglect of this blog the last few months has been my biggest failure.

Did you suffer illness or injury?

Just the usual fibromyalgia and fatigue, but that's becoming nothing new.

What was the best thing you bought?

My jogging stroller. We spent hours walking the neighborhood. Great exercise and stress relief. I love to walk.

Where did most of your money go?

Bills. Isn't that where everyone's money goes?

What did you get really excited about?

Being pregnant! New baby on the way. And a girl! What is more exciting than that?

What song will always remind you of 2011?

Hmm . . . Probably "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele.

Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? Thinner or fatter?Richer or poorer?

Certainly happier. Life just keeps getting better. I'm so much more comfortable in my own skin. Even though I'm fatter (to answer the next question). I prefer not to say "fatter" so much as "pregnanter." And on the whole we are probably richer. We most certainly are in the things that matter most (which isn't money).

What do you wish you’d done more of? 

Fun crafts and projects with Cormac. And more yoga. Always more yoga.

What do you wish you’d done less of? 

Painting. But only because I'm burned out; I have so much more to paint on this house.

How did you spend Christmas?

Christmas was spent going to church, opening presents, eating yummy snacks and a good dinner, playing with my son, and snuggling with my husband. We even all got a good nap in. Such a wonderful day.

What was your favorite TV program?

Confession: we don't have a TV. Well, we do have this tiny little thing, but we don't watch it. But we do watch Hulu from time to time and we enjoy Modern Family a lot.

What were your favorite books of the year?

I didn't read nearly as much as I would have liked to this year. But as far as this blog goes, my favorite book was "Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight," by Linda Bacon. Very eye opening. On a more entertainment level, I enjoyed the Hunger Games series very much as well as The Help.

What was your favorite music from this year? 

It seems like I was really burned out this year with most music. I enjoyed listening to Adele some. But really, I spent a lot of time with the music off (a lot more than usual).

What were your favorite films of the year?

I didn't see too many. I enjoyed The Tourist. There are several movies that were released recently that I'd still like to see.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

This year for my 28th birthday my dear husband led me on a scavenger hunt that will forever be one of my most treasured memories. It was wonderful. I also got my hair cut (it had been nearly 10 months since I'd had a trim). I went to a church activity as well. A day later we went to see Christmas lights as a family which I loved.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

More yoga. I needed to be better about getting on my mat.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

If it's not comfortable then I don't want it on. And I've suddenly become very interested in doing my hair every day. Usually when it's long it's always in a pony tail, but not lately.

What kept you sane?

My husband and son. They are wonderful. Also hypnosis for childbirth has been a huge help in keeping me calm and at ease about this pregnancy. I highly recommend it.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011. 

There is a season for all things in life. Right now I need to focus on the things that I can control and need to do. As a mother of a young child (soon to be young children) my first priority is my family. This is the season for me to take care of us. Other things can wait. Children don't wait, they grow up. I need to live in the now and enjoy every moment of now. Put things on hold that can wait, enjoy those that can't.

+++++

Want to play along? Either answer here in the comments or do a post of your own and link back here. Tell me all about your 2011.

Resolutely against Resolutions

noreply@blogger.com (Melanee) — Tue, 01 May 2012 16:05:00 +0000

Originally posted January 2, 2012

Well dear friends, welcome to 2012. It is still a little crazy to me. This year holds a lot of unknowns for me and my little family. Good unknowns, but unknowns non-the-less. I'm a planner. I struggle with not having a plan. But for some reason I am at peace with it this year. I know that whatever 2012 brings I'll get through it. I will have my family and friends. And that, my friends, is more than enough.

As the end of the year approached I started thinking about New Year's Resolutions. I'm sure the rest of you had those moments too. I have a problem with Resolutions though. Because let's be honest, the ones you hear the most about involve weight loss. I'm so sick and tired of everyone talking about the penance that they have to do come the new year for their bad behavior over the holidays. So much money is wasted on gym membership, special diet equipment, and other such hyped up stuff. All of these things are supposed to provide the magic bullet that will bring a thin physique and of course happiness. By the end of the year everyone is trying to get rid of the product they wasted so much money on via yard sale and then it all starts again.

Every time you go to the store all of the magazines in the checkout isle talk about your resolution to lose weight (because of course we are all resolved to do that, it is the universal resolution that brings mankind together. . . right?). All of the ads talk about losing weight. People post about it on Facebook and Twitter. From every single angle you get bombarded with the same idea: Resolve to lose weight now!

And I'm sick of it. So I had resolved not to resolve this year. To be honest all this diet talk can be a bit triggering for me. I've been doing my best to avoid any and all of it. I also feel that waiting until the New Year to start on something you've always wanted to start on is a little silly. Why not just start when you realize you have a goal?

But as I started thinking about 2012 I felt a little softened. Deciding to wait until the New Year may be silly, but honestly, who has time to start something new right in December. And there is something beautiful, refreshing, and hopeful about a new year. So maybe it's not that silly. But I'm still not resolving to lose weight (actually it is my goal to keep gaining for about 7 weeks, but that's a different deal).

So what do I want to accomplish in 2012? A lot. To be honest I have a lot of hopes, goals, and dreams for the year, but they aren't really worthy of being called a "resolution." I decided that this year I wanted to set just one resolution. Just one goal that would be challenging, but extremely achievable. Something that makes me happy and inspires me to improve my life in other areas. And yes, it has a everything to do with living a healthier and more balanced lifestyle.

In 2012 I am going to do a bit of yoga every. single. day.

Now, you are all aware that I'm going to have a baby in about 2 months. So I can tell you there will be days when I won't even get on my mat. I'm sure of that. But taking time to meditate, breathe, and carve out just a few minutes for myself each day is something that I need and want.

I'll be writing some about my experience here. That will help me stay on target. So here we are, January 2nd. I've done yoga 2 days in a row and am excited for the rest of the year.

Did you make resolutions this year? How do you feel about resolutions in general?

The Intuitive Eating Roller Coaster

noreply@blogger.com (Melanee) — Tue, 01 May 2012 16:01:00 +0000

Originally posted December 28, 2011

It was back in August of 2010 that I was first introduced to Intuitive Eating. I borrowed the book Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch from a friend. My friend had changed her life using intuitive eating. She had given up on dieting. She had changed her attitude toward her body. She no longer saw her body as an enemy. She was content, happy, and beautiful. I wanted to be just like her.

When I go back and read the post I wrote about that time I realize now how little I understood intuitive eating. I had it in my mind that it was really simple. All you had to do was listen to your body. Eat when you were hungry. Stop when you were full. Only eat things that made your body feel amazing. Simple.

Except that I've been trying to do it for the past 17 months and am still not really there. I know that if I eat anything white and refined I will get a headache and feel terrible. I know this. I know that my body doesn't like it. And yet there are days where I look at those foods and say to myself, "Yes, it will make me feel sick. Oh well."

I have more of an understanding now though. You see, intuitive eating isn't easy when you've lived a life of denying yourself foods. It isn't easy when you've used food to cover up anything and everything you were feeling emotionally. It isn't easy when you've used food for comfort or rewards. For most of us, we have abused food. Learning to let go of that isn't easy.

It takes time to learn to trust yourself and your body again. I think this was a key understanding that I was missing. I thought that since I had made the decision to never diet again I would be off and running, but it hasn't been that simple. First I have had to really truly convince myself that there are no off limit foods. That process has been interesting. It sometimes takes a very scary turn when I start using it as an excuse to binge. It takes time to learn that balance and to learn trust.

But lately what I am discovering is much more profound. I didn't realize how much food was intwined with every aspect of my life. I have used food to mask emotion, cure boredom, and to bond with friends. I have used food for nearly everything except to nourish my body. I had assumed that when I started listening to my body I would automatically just use food for it's proper use. But it isn't that simple.

You may have noticed my lack of blogging lately. I've been taking the time to sort through things. I've been sorting through the clutter in my home. My poor basement and office were in desperate need of attention. I've taken time to process being a mother of two. That change will be here in just two short months. I've taken the time to enjoy being in the moment now. I've been trying to enjoy every moment of having an only child. I never would have thought the clutter in my home could effect my eating, but it certainly has.

Learning to eat intuitively is a wonderful goal, but what I now understand is that it comes hand in hand with learning to live intuitively. It is difficult to honor our body and mind in one area (like eating) when we are out of order in another area (like in our finances).

Looking back on what I thought about intuitive eating when I first learned the concept I'm glad I thought it would be easy, or I maybe wouldn't have tried it out. But 17 months into this journey I'm glad it hasn't been too easy. I've learned more about myself then I ever would have had it been the "magic bullet" I had imagined.

So if you've thought about trying intuitive eating, or if you are trying it and find yourself on a roller coaster know that this is normal. It's okay. It's all part of the journey. Even though it can be difficult I believe it is worth it. I haven't been this content in my own skin since I was a very young child. And though I think I have a long way to go it's nice to feel liberated.

The Person I Am: Shaped by Pain

noreply@blogger.com (Melanee) — Tue, 01 May 2012 15:59:00 +0000

Originally posted November 23, 2011

It is 4:00 am. I want to be asleep. My body is physically worn out thanks to the demands of a busy day and the fact that I'm now 5 days away from my third trimester. But alas I cannot sleep. I finally got out of a restless bed to do something more productive, but relaxing. Writing is relaxing for me. My nights are getting a bit harder in general. It's not easy to get comfortable when you can't lay on your back or stomach and you have a basketball for a belly. A basketball that kicks. Tonight was different though. My shoulder is burning. I get this horrible, burning, aching pain in my shoulders and upper back. It's my body's way of letting me know I overdid it. I guess all the cleaning, baking, laundry, dishes, and toddler chasing from yesterday were a bit much. The pain is always the first thing to remind me that pushing myself too hard has consequences.

I shun pain as much as the rest of the world. I don't like to hurt. Not physically, mentally, or emotionally. Especially the later two. But in all reality, I am thankful for pain. I truly am. It may seem strange, but I can honestly say that without pain I wouldn't be the person I am today.

When I was young, probably about 7, I broke the blinds in my brother's room. When confronted about it I lied and said my sister did it. She denied it. We were both punished until the truth was found out. It was a very painful and horrible ordeal. I had disappointed my parents terribly. I hated disappointing my parents. It was painful for my sister, and I had caused that. I finally told the truth and was grounded for a week. I had to sit inside while my family was out raking and jumping in leaves. I love fall. Jumping in leaves was my favorite. But I learned. Lying is not acceptable. That experience shaped me.

There was the pain of losing 2 of my friends in the same year. That year happened to be when I was in 6th grade. Even though my grandfather had died when I was 8, this was really my first experience of loss and death. It shaped me.

From 4th to 6th grade I had very few, almost no friends. I was alone during most recesses. I sat and ate alone. I was teased. The few friends I had were mean to me. When I entered middle school I found true friends. Friends that valued and loved me. The way I pick and choose friends was shaped by that experience.

There were plenty of painful experiences in high school as well: abusive boyfriend, the beginning of an eating disorder, 9/11. Things that shaped me.

In college I developed fibromyalgia. Constant physical pain. That started me down a path to self-kindness. Oh this path took years (and I wouldn't say I'm "there" yet), but the pain started it all. I was running myself into the ground. I couldn't physically do everything I was trying to do. I started learning to pace myself, to say no, to set up boundaries, and to be kind to myself.

The pain of my disordered eating finally caught up to me as well. Resulting in this blog. It has changed the way I eat today. It has helped me to be healthier (in the end). It has shaped my attitude towards food and my body. No longer in a negative way. I got fed up with that. I was tired of the pain. So I made a change.

Then there was the day all the pain medications failed 3 times. I was in labor for 2 days. That was real, physical, intense pain. But now I watch as my beautiful little boy runs around the house and tells me to, "Mon" (come on) when he wants to show me something. Lots of physical pain to get him here. But now that he's here I have the most joy I've had my entire life.

So when I say, on this eve of Thanksgiving, that I'm thankful for pain I hope you can see why. I can't say that my burning shoulder is teaching me any profound lesson tonight (other than I should have taken more breaks yesterday), but I do know that some of the hardest fought and most precious lessons I have learned in this life have come as a result of pain. Letting ourselves feel our pain is a beautiful, difficult, sometimes horrifying, thing. But if we allow it to teach us it can shape our lives. We choose how to react to the pain and how to let it change us. The first step is feeling it.

*This post is part of November’s Self-Discovery, Word by Word series, hosted by Shannon over at Nourishing the Soul. If you want to participate check it out.

The Only Skill You Need: Forgiveness

noreply@blogger.com (Melanee) — Tue, 01 May 2012 15:57:00 +0000

Originally posted October 28, 2011

Are you one of those people who reads a blog about eating healthy and think, "That's easy for you, but for me in my real life that's just not practical?" Because I am. And I write a blog about better health. I hope that doesn't make me lose credibility in your eyes, but the truth is, this doesn't come naturally. I'm not someone who has always hated desserts anyway and wanted to be health (like my sister). No, I love me a big old chocolate bar. Every day if I could. Every meal if I could for that matter. French fries and other deep fried goodness? Why yes, please pass it my way. I love the taste of these foods. I also love eating out. It's so easy. I don't enjoy cooking all that much most of the time. I do enjoy baking desserts and then consuming them. I hate cleaning up after kitchen adventures. I admit to being an emotional eater. I eat when I'm bored too. No, eating a whole foods diet that is mainly homemade was never something I saw myself doing.

Sometimes when I read blogs with people and families who have given up processed food I'm a little down on myself. Why can't I be better? The truth is I love the way I feel when I'm eating well all the time. I hate the way I feel when I eat processed food. Which is motivating, but then there are days like every day since I got pregnant. Days where you say I-just-need-to-eat-and-it-needs-to-be-fast-and-tasty-freezer-section-here-I-come. Days where you simply don't care. Days where you don't have time to care. Then I read those blogs and I think well all you perfect people leave me alone. Normal people are like me, not you.

But here is what I've learned: Forgiveness is key. Now I've written about this before, but the longer I strive to be healthy, live well, and eat good things the more I believe that the only skill we really need to master in order to move forward is the skill of forgiveness. As usual, let's paint a picture:

So you've decided you want to eat better. You're giving up processed foods. You feel a big difference and you love it. But then you have a bad day and decide that what you need is a day of eating junk. And you go for it. There are a few different things that could happen at this point:

You feel horrible that night and beat yourself up about it.
You feel fine, but the guilt of eating junk all day is killing you. How could you be so stupid and weak?
You feel fine and decide that eating healthy is over rated. Maybe you keep eating horrible for a few weeks and then it catches up with you, but the guilt is too strong. If you couldn't do it right the first time what makes you think you could ever eat a healthy diet?

There are maybe other consequences, but let's just go with this for now, you get the idea right? What I am submitting to you is that all of these things are a recipe for failure. Instead in any of these situations what we need to learn to do is observe how we feel. Realize that we aren't happy when we eat poorly, overeat, or otherwise derail out health. Then we forgive ourselves and move on. Forgive and start fresh. If you can't forgive you can't move on and the truth is, you will never be able to live a healthier lifestyle.

Everyone makes mistakes. I know I do. Dwelling on them or feeling like we can't move on because we've screwed up our "perfect" record is not healthy. It does nothing for us. In fact, perhaps it is time to change the thinking all together. You didn't screw up because you weren't healthy today, no, there are no screw ups. Rather, tomorrow you aren't going to eat junk because you like it better. Beating ourselves up does nothing but hold us back.

So to all those of you who, like me, may never have a perfectly "healthy" diet please know that's okay. What we do most of the time is so much more important than the occasional McDonald's hamburger. Let go of the idea that you've been "bad," and learn to move on to a new day.

The Challenge with Avoiding Fat Talk

noreply@blogger.com (Melanee) — Tue, 01 May 2012 15:55:00 +0000

Originally posted October 18, 2011

I know, two posts in a row. What is going on? I don't know either. The creative juices are flowing again or something. Anyway, I wanted to talk briefly about avoiding Fat Talk because, let's face it, it's not always as easy as we would like. Let's paint a picture:

You have decided to stop fat talking. You know that it creates negative energy in your life. It damages the way the children around you see themselves. You no longer want it. It's been two days and you are doing great. Then you go out for lunch with your girl friends. The menus come out and guess where the talk goes? Straight to calories, diets, and other talk concerning weight. Inevitably someone says something negative and the whole group joins in. What do you do? Do you join in? If you don't you're weird. You don't want to insult your friends, but you also want no part of this talk. How do you deal with this situation?

Well, I don' t have all the answers. In fact I have very few answers, but I do have a little life experience here. I thought since this week is the week to stop fat talk that it would be a good place to let you all in on a few techniques that have worked for me.

1. Avoid the subject at all costs. This is easier in small groups, but whenever possible I just steer the conversation away from anything having to do with body bashing and fat talk. If I think the conversation is heading in that direction I generally try to insert some comments on living a healthier lifestyle. Sometimes that means talking about yummy food that is healthy and amazing. Sometimes that means telling people why I don't engage in fat talk anymore. I find that many people are receptive to the idea of talking about better health, and if you are careful it can be a very loving conversation without the bashing.

2. Get your friends on board with you. This doesn't always work. It is important not to interrupt a body bashing session to preach about how good you are to never do it again. That just doesn't come off well in my experience. Rather, when the moment is correct I tell people about what I have researched and now believe. I try to be kind and loving to all view points. A large number of people I love are currently on a diet that I do not agree with. It's not something I would do, and I have expressed as much. But it has not stopped us from sharing. They are comfortable telling me about their diet, and I am comfortable telling them my feelings toward food and body image. It is all done out of love. We all approach health differently. Our choices concerning health are incredibly personal. They come through much experience, research, doctors' opinions, and other such life circumstances. Even if we think we are right we should be wary of telling others they are wrong. Share your opinions in love and leave it at that. Those you like what you say will join in. Others won't. Those who don't will generally respect your perspective in the future. Thus the fat talk can stop.

3. Change the subject. Have you ever picked up a friend and had her tell you how such and such makes her look fat? The natural response is to soothe her feelings by telling her that she looks great compared to you. Right? I know many of us have been there. Rather than putting yourself down to elevate your friend tell her she looks amazing and move on. If she persists in feeling down about whatever it is point out all of her great qualities making sure to include things that are both visible on the outside and those that aren't. She'll get the pick-me-up she needs, and you can keep your own integrity.

4. Don't participate or put a positive spin on it. There have been times where I have found that I have no power to change the subject, interject a contrary opinion, or otherwise influence the drift of the conversation. In those cases I generally just sit quietly until the conversation moves on to something I can get behind. It's not my favorite, but sometimes there is just no other way. If asked for an opinion I usually put in a little comment about how I feel that negative thoughts do not create positive change and then shut up again. It's my mini protest.

Now don't get me wrong, my record is certainly not 100% since I have started to avoid fat talk. There have been plenty of slip ups. There have been days I just didn't care and wanted to be negative. There have been days that I just wasn't really thinking and got sucked into the talk. It happens to all of us. But the key is to move on and forgive. When I realize I have been negative I notice how it makes me feel worse. Then I forgive myself for my weakness and commit to try harder in the future. Getting down on yourself is maybe the worst thing you can do in your quest to become Fat Talk Free. Take it one day at a time, and remember the key is to be loving to yourself and others.

What are other things that have worked for you? How do you avoid fat talk?

Body Lovin' the Third Week of October

noreply@blogger.com (Melanee) — Tue, 01 May 2012 15:53:00 +0000

Originally posted October 17, 2011

There are a lot of exciting things going on this week in the body lovin' world. I thought I'd share a couple real fast so you'd be sure not to miss out.

October 19th (this Wednesday) is Love Your Body Day. What exactly is this day all about? Well, from the site here is a quick summary:

"Hollywood and the fashion, cosmetics and diet industries work hard to make each of us believe that our bodies are unacceptable and need constant improvement. Print ads and television commercials reduce us to body parts -- lips, legs, breasts -- airbrushed and touched up to meet impossible standards. TV shows tell women and teenage girls that cosmetic surgery is good for self-esteem. Is it any wonder that 80% of U.S. women are dissatisfied with their appearance?

Women and girls spend billions of dollars every year on cosmetics, fashion, magazines and diet aids. These industries can't use negative images to sell their products without our assistance.

Together, we can fight back."

This is something I can get behind. I don' t know about you, but there are times I just want to be told that I'm okay just the way I am. As part of this day Rosie Molinary has written a Body Warrior Pledge. I'm really excited about the pledge. It's beautiful. So I went over signed up (which automatically entered me into an awesome giveaway), and I encourage all of you to check it out.

This body pledge was a wake up call for me. Since I got pregnant I have been obsessing about my weight and body. It's been very hard around here to keep a healthy perspective. I have found myself getting lazy, beating myself up, and eating poorly because "who-cares-I'm-going-to-get-fat-and-feel-like-crap-anyway" syndrome has been easing into my life. But I'll tell you more about that another day. The bottom line is that I needed a reminder of what I really believe and want to foster in my life.

The other cool thing about this week (and something I certainly needed to recommit to) is that this week is Fat Talk Free Week. Don't ask me who comes up with all this stuff, but I'm sure glad they did. Now, if you need a reminder of how I feel about Fat Talk you can read this post. I truly believe that nothing will change until we stop body bashing ourselves and others just to fit in. So, I have pledged to end fat talk and hope you will do the same by clicking on over here.

Let's make this week a positive week. Life is too busy and stressful to be adding body shame to our daily lives. Get rid of it!

Celebrate movement and beauty

noreply@blogger.com (Melanee) — Tue, 01 May 2012 15:52:00 +0000

Originally posted September 12, 2011

I took my morning constitutional today. What a beautiful day. September has given way to cooler temperatures. I no longer start sweating the second I step out my front door. What a relief. It rained last night and everything smelled fresh. Some of the leaves are beginning to turn. It makes me so happy. I love fall. Gardens are being harvested, flowers are still out in full beauty, and everything just seems calmer while we wait for nature to move forward. I had the majestic mountains that I love so much to one side of me, and a gorgeous view of the valley and the lake beyond on the other. Life was good. Above us some very loud birds caught our attention as they soared through the air. Cormac leaned clear back in his stroller, looked up, and whispered under his breath "wow." I couldn't agree more. Wow.

But I wasn't just enjoying nature this morning. I was enjoying the feel of the pavement and dirt roads beneath my feet. I love to walk. It makes me happy. I love looking at the scenery. I love seeing new neighborhoods. I love, love, love looking at the houses that surround me. I walked 3.5 to 4 miles today. How blessed I am that I can do that. I'm on Cloud 9 already because I felt this little baby move for the first time yesterday. How incredible, not only can my body walk and move, but I'm blessed to have a little person growing inside of me. What is there not to rejoice about?

Let's switch gears for just a second. Don't worry, I'll bring us full circle. Did you know that this month is National Yoga Month! (Who makes this stuff up? Do you know? I sure don't, but I'm going with it anyway.) As a fan of yoga I am naturally excited about it. Let me tell you a bit about me and yoga. I came to yoga out of desperation. My body was in constant, unexplained pain and I had heard yoga could help. So I got a DVD and gave it a shot. It was so very hard. I couldn't reach my toes. Downward Dog was the hardest thing I had ever done. I couldn't hold it for more than a few short breaths. But after each practice my pain would ease up and I would have a few minutes of beautiful relief. So I kept at it. I was amazed that within just a couple of short weeks I could touch my toes with ease. Downward Dog took more time to feel comfortable (and is still a challenging pose for me thanks to my weak and inflexible shoulders). But what was exciting was what I could do. And how fast my body adapted to yoga. It was like we were made for each other. My body wanted yoga, craved it, and responded well when I would practice. It was love.

It makes me sad when I hear people say they can't do yoga because they aren't this, that, or the other. They are missing the point. Yoga has never been about what you can't do. Yoga is a celebration of what the body can do. So maybe you can't turn yourself into a pretzel, but you can do a beautiful headstand. There are so many possibilities with yoga. And your body changes with each practice. With each practice you can do a little more. Your body wants it. And it's a beautiful and amazing thing to celebrate the things that our bodies can do.

As I was walking this morning I was thinking about how boring the world would be if it were all mountains or all plains. But it isn't. It is diverse and beautiful. And it should be celebrated. The Earth i s a gift that we've been given from God. It should be celebrated. But how much more should we be celebrating our bodies. They are different, diverse, and oh so beautiful. They are gifts from God. Special gifts that He constructed just for us. Each is unique. Each has its own abilities. And each is beautiful and needed.

So celebrate that beautiful body this month. Move in a way that makes you feel fantastic. Try some yoga and this time don't you dare look at your neighbor or the person on your screen to compare what you look like with them. No. Instead acknowledge the greatness that is your own body and movements. You are beautiful. Take a few minutes to celebrate that.

Dear LITM Friends,

noreply@blogger.com (Melanee) — Tue, 01 May 2012 15:50:00 +0000

Originally posted September 5, 2011

I am still alive. Thought you'd like to know. I want to say welcome to the new folks who have befriended this site. I'm happy to have you as part of this community. I received this note on Facebook the other day:

"Hey! Miss you--come back already!"

So I figured it was time to write a little something. Pregnancy has wiped me out. I've been tired, busy, cranky, tired, sick, tired, and busy. Did I mention tired? I'm 16 weeks today and am doing rather well, but as I mentioned, I'm tired. So some things have taken a backseat. Unfortunately I've let this blog become one of those things. The truth is, I feel just as passionate about the things I write about here as ever. I even feel that over the past few months I've come to understand my own message better than ever before. But the effort to post has been too much and thus I've not taken the time. The reality is that my life is changing and I will not be able to post as frequently as I used to. However, I value this blog and this community, so I am promising to make a better effort. I'll update at least once a week. I hope we can continue to have good discussions. I also want you all to know that I'm available on Facebook and Twitter for discussions. Let's grow our little community shall we?

In other news, I'm so relieved that it's September (I wish it was February, but one month at a time). The heat has mercifully given way to slightly cooler temperatures for the time being. That alone has helped me come back to life. I've been working hard on the Yoga Studio. I hope to be done in another week or two. It's looking great. I'm excited to share photos with all of you. We are also right in the midst of harvest season for pears. We have 4 pear trees and they are fully loaded this year. I have a lot of work to do. My son is growing as is the little one in my belly (and thus I'm growing, but we'll save that discussion for another post another day). Life is good and I'm so very blessed.

How have all of you been this summer? Anyone planning on doing some canning? What is it you're putting away? Let me know.

The Media Buzz

noreply@blogger.com (Melanee) — Tue, 01 May 2012 15:48:00 +0000

Originally posted August 18, 2011

Did you know there are a lot of interesting things going on in the body image world? I'm a little slow to jump on one. Have you heard about the article that appeared in the magazine "Glamour" by Jess Weiner called "Loving my body almost killed me." As you can imagine with a provocative title like that it has caused quite a stir among the good folks that blog along side me in favor of loving your body.

There has already been a lot said on this subject, so at the end of this post I'll refer you to the many awesome posts written in response. My response is like all the others: How can you possibly claim to love your body when you don't take care of it? From what I can tell Ms. Weiner wasn't exactly doing what she ought to be doing. She hadn't seen a doctor in years, was eating poorly, and wasn't exercising. Sounds to me like she was ignoring her body rather than loving it. But I'll let you read all the arguments to figure out what you think for yourself.

But have you seen what else has recently hit the media? Have you heard about the "Anti-Cosmetic Surgery League" that has been formed by Kate Winslet, Emma Thompson, and Rachel Weisz? How cool is this? I love that these women are taking a stance. My favorite quote from the rather small article:

"I am an actress, I don't want to freeze the expression of my face," Winslet said.

Agreed. In any profession. Why would you want to look the same forever. Have little to no expression. And as was put in the article:

Weisz said that people "who look too perfect don't look sexy or particularly beautiful."

Amen to that. Check out the article. Let's all get on board. Hooray for getting older and beauty in every stage of life.

Be sure to check out these amazing posts:

Medicinal Marzipan, What Loving Your Body Really Means + Why it Probably Won't Kill You
Dances with Fat, Loving Your Body Will Not Kill You and For Health Reasons
Adios Barbie, When Loving Your Body Goes Wrong
Family Feeding Dynamics, Accepting and Loving Your Body Will NOT Kill You
Body Love Wellness, On Jess Weiner and Why Loving Your Body Won’t Kill You
The Body Positive, Loving Your Body did NOT Almost Kill You
The Rotund, I Wore My Ranty Pants Today; Meet the New Body Hate, Same as the Old Body Hate
Jezebel [by Kate Harding], How One Woman’s Weight Loss Story Went Awry
iVillage, Can Body Acceptance Make You Sick
Curvy Yoga, Why it's Hard to Believe Loving Your Body is a Good Idea
Weightless, My Reaction To Jess Weiner's Glamour Article About Body Love Killing You

Please feel free to add more links in the comments if you know of other articles. I'd love to read them.

Trust in your amazing strength

noreply@blogger.com (Melanee) — Tue, 01 May 2012 03:00:00 +0000

Originally posted November 8, 2011

Trust means I have faith in my ability to survive and thrive.

I've been reading "A Year of Living Your Yoga" by Dr. Judith Hanson Lasater. I recommend it. On August 8th I read the above quote followed by this:

"Living Your Yoga: We want to trust others, but we are afraid they will let us down. Today instead of focusing on trusting others, remember that there is something bigger; trust your ability to be okay even if things are not okay."

I can't get this idea out of my head. I'm in love with it. I suppose at this point I haven't much left to hide on this blog, so I'll tell you honestly that I sometimes struggle with fear of the future, of heartache, and of the unknown. I know it isn't really rational, but I often stress that something horrible is around the corner. I worry about losing my husband in a horrible accident or to sickness. I worry about watching Cormac suffer. I worry about my new little one and having something horrible happen during pregnancy or birth.

There are a lot of wonderful people in my life who have had to deal with horrible heartbreaks. I look at what they have gone through and marvel at how strong they are. I wonder if I'd be able to come out on top the way they seem to have.

Now don't worry, I have never gotten to where this fear has crippled me from doing the things I want to do, but it is still a negative drain on my energy. And I know that there are those out there who are ruled by fears. With that in mind, think about this quote a minute. What a beautiful idea: "trust your ability to be okay even if things are not okay."

The human mind and body is incredibly resilient. No doubt you've dealt with pain and heartache already in your life, and while it may not have been as extreme as losing a loved one it was likely a challenge nonetheless. You adjusted. You made sacrifices and changes, but you made it through. And things were okay. Even in the less than fantastic circumstances.

So I've been trying to change my attitude. Instead of thinking about how on earth will I survive if the worst should happen, I've been working on trusting that I will be okay if that does happen. I'm a strong, confident, resilient woman. And while I hope to coast through life will all my loved ones in great health and no heartache, the truth is, that just isn't very likely. But it's okay because I'll be okay. I have my faith, my family, my friends, and my own stores of strength to pull from.

And you? Do you have resources to help you through a crisis? Do you trust yourself?

Cormac has something to tell you

noreply@blogger.com (Melanee) — Tue, 01 May 2012 02:59:00 +0000

Originally posted on August 8, 2011

This may explain a few things. Maybe. Maybe not. I'm 12 weeks today. It has been a long, sickly 12 weeks. Between that and our extremely sketchy internet I haven't had much desire to try and get online to blog. I just haven't had the patience or the drive. I apologize.

When I first tried to get a picture of Cormac in his Big Brother shirt this is the look I got:

Perhaps this is a bit more accurate? I guess time will tell.

On Falling in Love With Yourself Every Day

noreply@blogger.com (Melanee) — Tue, 01 May 2012 02:57:00 +0000

Originally posted July 14, 2011

I am excited to introduce the amazing Mara from Medicinal Marzipan. She has graciously agreed to grace us with her presence here today. Enjoy!

Have you ever been so busy running around, striking things off of your to do list, taking care of everyone around you, that you forget to take a second to celebrate the things that make you unique? Sometimes I will find myself storming around, “being productive,” but so out of touch with myself that I completely forget I have needs outside of things I need to get done. Thus, this summer, I have promised myself that I would cut myself a little slack and dedicate some time everyday to love myself. This is a major self-esteem booster, but it also helps to remind you to slow down, create your own space, and remember that you are important too!

1. Buy yourself a new CD. Create yourself a stellar Pandora station. Make yourself a new playlist of all of your old favorites. Turn off the voice that says your favorite song just isn’t cool, or the one that tells you what you really SHOULD be listening to. Crank the radio up to top volume. Jump around, dance by yourself, scream your favorite lyrics at the top of your lungs.

2. Find yourself an outfit that makes you feel like your very best self, whatever that may mean to you. Do you have a secret hankering to feel sexy? Sturdy? Butch? Girly? Adult? Find or buy yourself something that fits and flatters your body. Get dressed up. Strut. Repeat.

3. Play with children, animals, or your friends. Run around with reckless abandon. Remember what it feels like to get called in off the playground, sweaty and ready to fall asleep the minute your head hits the pillow. Take your shoes off, and feel your toes in the grass or sand. Play a game that you haven’t played since you were a kid. Get out the chalk and draw yourself up a hopscotch board.

4. Do something nice for someone else, without expecting anything in return. Bring them flowers, make an old school mixtape with all of their favorite songs, clean up their room, or do their laundry. Making someone else feel loved boosts your own self-love. You are a generous, loving, and wonderful person! Give your love freely and without wondering what goodies you’ll get in return. I promise that when you’re selfless and forthcoming you will get that back tenfold.

5. Tell your family how much you love them, whether they are nuclear, extended, or adopted. Forgive people for those grudges that you’re holding on to with a clenched fist. Free up the energy that you’ve been keeping wrapped up in anger and frustration. Hold a mini (safe) bonfire and burn up all those love letters from an Ex who dumped you. Clear out old stuff cluttering up your living space. Let it all go.

6. Do something that really makes you feel special. Invest in your talents. Buy yourself the most perfect sketchbook that you’ve been coveting from afar, or the AV cable that you need to stream your I-pod to your car stereo. Spend the afternoon learning how to use HTML to make your blog even better. You are so worth it - revel in that feeling.

7. Tell all of your friends about something that has been really inspirational to you. Read a little blog that doesn’t have many followers? Had a session with a therapist that changed your life? Found a delicious new snack at the grocery store? Tell EVERYONE. Share the wealth.

What are your favorite things to do to make yourself feel special and loved?

Mara blogs (almost) daily over at Medicinal Marzipan about body image, self-love, and authentic living. She can be found rabble rousing on facebook and twitter, and in your very own inbox. Don’t hesitate to hit her up with any of your body image questions or comments! xox

To Helmer and back

noreply@blogger.com (Melanee) — Tue, 01 May 2012 02:55:00 +0000

Originally posted July 13, 2011

Helmer, Idaho that is. My little one and I had to take an unexpected trip up to see my parents. My mom was in need of some assistance. A few weeks ago my mom was catering a big party. She picked up a roasting pan that was filled too full. The boiling water started to pour over her hands, but she was standing near a bunch of children and wasn't able to just drop the pan. She's lucky she didn't need skin grafts. Originally we thought the burns would heal in just a week, but a week came and went and the burns were still horrible. So Cormac and I packed up to go help out. I don't think we were much help, but we were glad to be a distraction to my mom from her pain.

Where is Helmer, Idaho? The middle of nowhere. I spent the whole week unplugged. It was nice, but I'm sorry I didn't give you a heads up that I was leaving. But the truth is there are times in our lives when there are more important things that have to take over. Cormac had a wonderful time, but he missed his daddy terribly. I missed his daddy too. We are glad to be home. It's a good 12 hour drive. Mom has a long way to go before she'll be all the way better, but she is getting more movement. I was going to post pictures of her hands, but on second thought they are pretty gruesome, so I'll spare you. Anyway, I'm back. And I have a special guest post for you tomorrow. It's good to be home.

Finding someone to click with

noreply@blogger.com (Melanee) — Tue, 01 May 2012 02:54:00 +0000

Originally posted June 30, 2011

I have been unable to write since Tuesday's post. I'm struggling to move past it. I think I need to elaborate on one point so I can rest easy with what I said. Namely this paragraph:

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that our health is entirely personal. No one should tell us what is and isn’t best for our bodies. Doctors can make suggestions. We can read the books on good nutrition. We can learn how to move our bodies to exercise that we enjoy from a teacher or instructor. But none of these resources (who are likely just trying to help) live in your body. . . You are the only one that knows what feels good and what doesn’t.

Let me be very clear, I do not believe that seeing a doctor or nutritionist is ever a bad idea. Nor do I believe that you should just assume you know how to do an exercise without the proper training from a teacher or instructor. No, these professionals do what they do (for the most part) because they care about people and want you to be well.

What I mean by doing what feels best has more to do with finding a doctor or health professional that clicks with you. Find someone who listens, truly listens. You need to be able to communicate with this person when something they prescribed just doesn't feel right. And it's okay to seek a second opinion as well.

Listening to your body is about finding solutions that work for you. And that includes finding a doctor that cares about what you care about.

The different faces of health

noreply@blogger.com (Melanee) — Tue, 01 May 2012 02:53:00 +0000

Originally posted June 28, 2011

I have been ruminating over the fact that "health" looks different on every person. Just like no two people look the same, no two healthy lifestyles look the same. Sometimes we get caught up in the idea that the healthy way we live is the healthy way everyone should live, but this isn't necessarily the case.

Take for example napping during the day. There are some who simply function better with a nap. Pregnant women, for example, often need that extra sleep to keep them going. This is not to say that it is lazy or unhealthy in these people. No, they just need a nap. But in someone else needing a nap to get through the day could be a sign of serious illness or depression.

One of the best examples I can think of is water intake. While I think it is true that most of us (me included) do not drink nearly enough water (not diet soda folks, water) I do not think that the recommended 8 glasses of 8 oz is necessarily true for everyone. There are some individuals who probably don't need as much. And I know for a fact that some people need much more (especially those working outside in the hot summer sun).

There is really no "one size fits all" when it comes to everything about health. A vegetarian or vegan lifestyle might be incredibly healthy for some, but others might be using that lifestyle as a form of restriction fueling an eating disorder they have yet to address. We are often quick to judge when someone does something we disagree with, but who's to say that for that individual eating meat isn't exactly what their body needs in order to thrive? Oh I agree there are things that are clearly unhealthy and things that are clearly more healthy than others. But on a large scale perspective do we really have a right to judge the health of another person because they choose differently than we do in a few areas?

Size is the biggest debate for most when it comes to health. We see a curvy woman and assume that she never exercises, eats potato chips, drinks soda, and has simply given up trying to be healthy. But this is an unfair judgement. Sure there are folks out there that fit this description, but there are a lot of skinny people who could also be categorized as such. No, there are many fantastic curvy people who are leaps and bounds above some of their thinner peers on the health scale.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that our health is entirely personal. No one should tell us what is and isn't best for our bodies. Doctors can make suggestions. We can read the books on good nutrition. We can learn how to move our bodies to exercise that we enjoy from a teacher or instructor. But none of these resources (who are likely just trying to help) live in your body. None of them knows that after running or doing heavy cardio you get migraines and can't see straight for the rest of the day. None of them gets that you aren't being lazy by taking a nap; your body just requires more rest than the average person. You are the only one that knows what feels good and what doesn't.

It's time to stop looking around to figure out what is healthy. It's time to start turning inward and asking your body what it wants and needs. Trust me, it knows. With a little practice you'll be able to figure it out, and your life will be more full and much more healthy because of it.

When Family Just Doesn't Understand

noreply@blogger.com (Melanee) — Tue, 01 May 2012 02:50:00 +0000

Originally posted June 27, 2011

Today we are privileged to hear from the talented and wonderful Dr. Ashley Solomon. She is the mastermind behind Nourishing the Soul. I have really enjoyed reading her thoughts and my association with her since starting this blog. Dr. Solomon is a therapist who specializes in treating eating disorders, body image, trauma, and serious mental disorder. And without further ado here are her thoughts for us today. Enjoy!

The daughter lifts her gaze and with eyes swollen from tears looks at her mother, having just revealed her year-long struggle with her eating disorder. The mother, rocked inside, but in a controlled and loving way, wraps her arms around the one who will always be her little girl. She murmurs gently that she will help in any way she can.

Music rises and lights fade. Made-for-television special goes to commercial.

As most of who live in a world outside of one constructed in Hollywood know, sharing our deepest secrets and enlisting the support of others doesn’t always come quite so easy. And when we’re talking about parents… well, things can be downright painful.

It’s often said that first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem. Well, the second step is seeking support outside of yourself. Whether we’re struggling with depression, stress, addiction, a trauma, or eating issues, we need the support of others to help facilitate our journey to a more healthy life. The fact is, not only do we not need to go it alone, but we shouldn’t.

The importance of social support in recovery is well-established both by research and anecdotally. Various studies show that being bolstered through the tough times can speed up recovery from a host of illnesses. In fact, researchers in one study found that patients who had experienced a heart attack who received high levels of support from family and friends had less chest pain, a better quality of life, better mental and physical functioning, and fewer symptoms of depression compared with those who received little support.

When it comes to mental and emotional difficulties, however, garnering support can at times be difficult. Unfortunately, while our culture is moving slowly to a more comprehensive understanding of mental illness, stigma remains (despite the fact that over 44 million people experience a mental disorder each year in the U.S.).

When parents learn that their child – even their adult child – has a problem, they can sometimes react with hostility and defensiveness rather than the compassion that we would hope to see from them. While this can be incredibly painful to experience first-hand, it can sometimes be helpful to put these reactions in context.

For centuries, parents, and especially mothers, have been put at the center of the ring of blame for their child’s maladies. Despite a wealth of evidence indicating that mothers do not cause eating disorders, for example, stereotypes hold fast that leave many mothers feeling that their child’s life-threatening condition was caused by their short-comings. Because this is too difficult – unbearable even – to believe, some parents react with defensiveness and anger. It’s a way of protecting themselves from the enormity of the pain.

Regardless of the reasons, however, it can be devastating to not have one’s family on board when one is ready to tackle the issues and make major life changes. It can be extraordinarily helpful to participate in family therapy with an experienced clinician who, from his or her safe and objective seat, can help creatively bring a family to a shared understanding.

Unfortunately, some families will simply never be able to to be there in the way that we might hope. In those cases, it’s vital that we recruit additional support, while also grieving the fact that we may not have the families we’ve always wanted.

Finding support may mean taking an uncomfortable step and making ourselves vulnerable to allowing others in. It may also mean being open to support from unexpected places, such as coworkers, members of your spiritual community, neighbors, and even online. It may involve finding a mentor. It’s important to remember that just because we may not be blessed with families who understand us doesn’t mean that we are left to be misunderstood.

Forever Fabulous

noreply@blogger.com (Melanee) — Tue, 01 May 2012 02:49:00 +0000

Originally published June 24, 2011

I bought a new shirt this week. I loved the way it made me feel in the dressing room. I love the style of the shirt. I love the material. As I stood there in the dressing room I felt cute. Maybe even a little sleek. In a word I felt fabulous. I bought it.

Later I was wearing this same shirt and caught a glimpse of myself in some full length doors, and it happened. I had a bit of a panic when I saw that maybe this shirt wasn't the most flattering for my specific body type. A little self-doubt crept in. Maybe I had no business wearing such a shirt.

As I thought about it later I decided that I was being ridiculous. Didn't the shirt make me feel fabulous? Then if I felt fabulous in the shirt I must be fabulous. Think about it. If you see someone wearing something that obviously makes them feel good don't you think they exude confidence? I think they do. They do, indeed, look amazing. Their self-confidence is evident, and beautiful.

We do this a lot. At least I do. I can wake up one morning, look in the mirror, and think, "not bad," or even, "looking good." But then instead of letting myself feel fantastic I go jump on my scale. What could have been a wonderful day where I felt great about myself gets destroyed by my needing some outside validation. And here's the thing, the numbers on the scale are actually getting smaller, but it is very slow and sustained (you know, the healthy way to lose weight), but because the scale doesn't show a significant drop off I start to feel down. And frankly it can be triggering for me. As soon as I step on the scale I start wondering if I should indeed go on another diet. Maybe the newest fad would work for me. Or maybe I should start working out long hours during the day.

By the end of the day I have usually talked myself out of these things with the realization that I am so much happier when I eat intuitively. I feel good about myself when I move my body in ways that I enjoy; rather than punishing myself on a treadmill. No, it's not worth it. But I sometimes waste a whole day reminding myself.

So I have made a decision (I think). I think it's time to throw the scale out. I mean all the way out. I want to do it. But I'm still a little chicken. Then I remember that the next time my husband pays me a compliment I want to just feel great for the day. I don't want to use it as an excuse to step on the scale just to see if what he says is reflected in numbers. Yes, I think it's time for the scale to go. And I think it's time for me to only wear what makes me feel great as opposed to what I'm "supposed" to wear for my body type. Because there is no reason I can't feel fabulous every single day. You on board?

The ins and outs

noreply@blogger.com (Melanee) — Tue, 01 May 2012 01:39:00 +0000

Originally posted June 23, 2011

Did you know that before I was about 13 I had never heard of the "internet." And I wasn't an anomaly, you see, there was no internet. I have had this great tool only a little over half my life. There was a time when I even hand-wrote papers for school. Granted I was in elementary so how hard could the papers be, but friends, I didn't learn to type until I hit the 7th grade. I had no need for it before that.

In the last week my internet has been out twice for nearly a day each time. The first time I was ready to throw my computer out the window I was so frustrated. I can't get on the internet? How is this possible? What am I going to do? Okay, maybe not throw out the computer, but I was frustrated.

Last night and this morning it was out again. What's a gal to do when she happens to have insomnia one night? No internet. I suppose I could have worked on my brochures for the yoga business, but it was 3 in the morning. I was more in the mood for writing a blog post or aimlessly wandering around looking for blogs I could get into. Ya know?

Ah how quickly we become dependent on things that we used to do just fine without. Blows my mind a little. It's kind of like how we start to use food or other such things as coping mechanisms. Which is something we never needed to do when we were young. Or maybe how we suddenly feel we must have make-up on in order to be seen by anyone. There was a time in each of our lives when we could function without those crutches. I think we often forget that we were born with all the tools we need to succeed and live a happy, healthy life.

Food for thought. Now I think I'll go get out the kiddie pool. It's way too hot to be in my house right now. And it's certainly too hot to be outside dry. Time to wet us all down. Do you remember when we were complaining about how cool it was? Yeah, well, it got hot. Whew.

5 Tips for Getting Out of a Body Image Rut

noreply@blogger.com (Melanee) — Tue, 01 May 2012 01:38:00 +0000

Originally posted June 20, 2011

I'm excited to introduce another guest today. The following was written by Margarita Tartakovsky, MS who is the associate editor of Psych Central. She writes her own body image blog for Psych Central called Weightless as well. Be sure to check her out. She is fantastic, and I'm so excited to have her here on LITM today.

Regardless of how you feel about your body, everyone has a bad day. A day when we feel like the ugliest person on the planet. A day when we’d rather wear sweats. A day we’d rather spend underneath the comforting shelter of our favorite covers.

It’s natural to feel blue about your body sometimes. But fortunately, there are many things you can do to rise above a rut. Here are five ideas.

1. See the bigger picture.

Remember that this is just one bad day or several of many good ones. Instead of letting yucky feelings overwhelm you, focus on the bigger picture. Body image has its ups and downs. A positive body image is a daily process. Just remind yourself that even though right now you don’t love your body, you refuse to get caught up in a harmful cycle of nit-picking and negative thoughts.

2. Consider what’s really brewing.

Ask yourself what’s really underneath your rut. Are you angry over a fight with a friend that you’re taking out on your body? Are your hormones running amok? (A good possibility!) Do you just feel bloated? Are you stressed out? Is something in particular bothering you?

Years ago, whenever I saw a huge monster staring back at me, it had nothing to do with my appearance, of course. It was that I was unhappy with my life. I was anxious, tense and sad—all reactions that contributed to my feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. And instead of asking myself the important questions, I kept things on the surface, thinking that getting thin was the answer. (It wasn’t.)

Sometimes a rut might be telling us something. That something isn’t to lose weight or change our appearance. It’s to take a hard look at what’s going on and dig deeper.

3. Do an activity that makes you happy.

When we’re in the midst of a body image rut, the last thing we want to do is take action. It’s much easier to wallow in our misery and bad feelings. But doing something that focuses away from our negative thoughts is immensely helpful.

In fact, make a list right now of the things that you love to do. Keep it handy, either in your purse or on your desk (or on your forehead, which is where I feel like I need it!). The next time you experience a rut, take it out and start going down the list. Fun and fulfilling activities boost your mood, put life into perspective and alleviate stress—all of which can improve your body image.

Your list may include anything from taking a walk to journaling to drawing to watching a funny movie to talking to a friend. Try to include a good mix of quick activities and longer ones that you’re passionate about or just make you smile.

4. Get out.

When a rut sets in and we think we look terrible, the last thing we also want to do is be with people and, let’s be honest, see the sunlight. (It’s as if the covers are calling us!) But getting out of the house, smelling the fresh air and seeing all the beauty around you has a way of making you feel better.

See if you can meet up with a friend for lunch or for the whole day. Choose someone who’s not only positive but also doesn’t engage in fat talk. The worst thing to do when you’re in a body image rut is to commiserate over each other’s supposed body flaws.

5. Be grateful.

Counting our blessings also boosts mood and happiness—and it’s a huge help for lifting a sad body image. When you’re feeling down about your body, make a quick list of all the things you’re grateful for. Also, include the many things your incredible body helps you do!

For instance, I’m grateful for:

My amazing family,

Being able to practice Pilates,

Having the endurance to do tough workouts and bike many miles,

Being able to play with my 16-year-old cat,

Books, books and books,

Watermelon, berries, smoothies, chocolate, ice cream, fettuccine Alfredo, seafood and potatoes,

A job that’s fulfilling and helps me grow constantly.

How do you overcome a body image rut? What makes you feel better? What tips do you have? Please share!

P.S., Melanee, thanks so much for the opportunity to guest post! It’s an honor. And happy blogaversary!!!

The un-impartability of self-worth

noreply@blogger.com (Melanee) — Tue, 01 May 2012 01:36:00 +0000

Originally posted June 21, 2011

When I see my son I know how amazing he is. I know that he worth more than the riches in the world. I know he is special. I know he has a wonderful body that is capable and needs no "improvements." I know that my son has much to offer the world. I know he doesn't need to change or conform to standards that others may see fit to place upon him. I know that. But what about him?

Granted at the moment he is only 20 months and (I hope) entirely clueless of the pressures he may find himself under later. He does not doubt his worth or the love of those around him. He is not insecure. And oh how I wish I could keep that confidence and happiness with him always. I don't ever want him to feel any self-doubt or low self-esteem.

The word "self-worth" is an interesting one. It is called that because it is something that only the "self" can have. It cannot be shared. I heard a wonderful speaker once say that we can tell our children of their worth. We can tell them how wonderful they are. But all that means to them is that mom (or dad) loves them. I've been thinking of that ever since.

If we can't teach children their own self-worth how is it learned? Heaven knows the world won't even attempt it. What is a loving parent to do? Here are my thoughts.

Parents need to know their own self-worth. Children watch. If they can see that mom or dad think they are less than worthy the kids will find those same faults in themselves. We can certainly teach doubt, but we can also teach confidence just by having it. You cannot change other people, only yourself, but making this change could influence your children's lives for the better.
Teach divine worth. When children understand that they are special, that they are children of Heavenly parents, and that their worth is eternal they can feel that worth from a higher power.
Give some trust. Few things are more empowering to anyone than to be trusted. And it may be something as simple as trusting your child to clean the bathroom or to always pick up the mail on their way in, but that bit of confidence empowers children. It shows them they are worthy of trust. George Macdonald said, "To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved." I believe trust creates a sense of worth in individuals. If you know you have the trust of others you know you must be worth something.
Teach service. Happy is the person who can lose themselves in the service of others. By showing love to others love pervades all around. The individual who serves is happy. The individual who serves sees the worth of all beings no matter their circumstances. The individual who serves is blessed to know personally that the beggar is as worthy of love and care as the rich man. Teach you children to serve, and you will be placing a critical block for self-worth to develop.

So while we may not be able to hand over a helping of self-worth on a silver platter to our children we can place the stepping stones that will help them learn it themselves.

Have more? Excellent! Please keep the list going in the comments section. I'd love to know your thoughts on this subject.