Mirror, Mirror... OFF The Wall.

Groupon is Medicalizing Beauty... and it's NOT "Good for Your Health"

noreply@blogger.com (Kjerstin Gruys) — Wed, 15 May 2013 12:30:00 +0000

On Monday morning I awoke to the usual smattering of 50+ new emails in my inbox. I weeded through a handful of "I love your book!" and "You're so fat and ugly and stupid I can't believe anyone let you out of your cage to write a book!" messages. (I'll discuss creepy jerks another day. For now, just know that I was not "let out" but escaped from my cage and it's been grande!) I soon came across an email from Groupon.com, titled "These Deals are Good for Your Health."

Screenshot of THE email.

I've been a Groupon customer for years. I LOVE getting a great deal on the variety of services and products I consume. Thanks to Groupon, I've tried numerous new restaurants, snagged a few indulgent mani-pedis, spent a romantic weekend in wine country, and had my car immaculately detailed in an urgent post-puppy-puke situation. I usually love these folks. So when I saw the heading "These Deals are Good for Your Health" I was psyched. Bargains! Health! Yay!

I opened the email ready to pounce on discounted dental cleanings, yummy yoga class passes, chub-rub-resistant workout gear, some therapeutic (aka, relaxing) massage, a new ergonomic keyboard, or maybe the latest 28-inch NASA-patented skittles-filled mattress pad. Instead I was offered the following deals, for my "health":

75% off of Laser Hair Removal

58% off of Brazillian Waxes

70% off of Microdermabrasion

56% off Laser Lipo Treatments

55% off Phytobiodermie Cellulite Reduction

69% off Fractional Laser Treatments

To be precise, the "Good for Your Health" promotion email contained all six of the above and two vague offers for discounted "Spa Services," (one turned out to be a fairly benign mani-ped + massage and the other offered a "deluxe oxygen facial" + "microdermabrasion; infrared sauna; herb enriched detoxifying wrap"). But that's it. No yoga passes, no dental cleanings, and the "herb enriched detoxifying wrap" didn't even include medical marijuana! (j/k. Grandmas Ruth and Rita, I would NEVER!) Instead it was just a bunch of beauty "treatments" in disguise.

That Groupon email was one of the ~~finest~~ most blatant examples of "medicalization" I'd seen in a while. In sociology-speak (quoting from this EverydaySociologyBlog essay), the term medicalization

"refers to the practice of redefining a behavior, concern, or practice as a problem to be 'solved' by doctors"

Sociologists study the medicalization of all sorts of things, including childbirthing/delivery, misbehavior/ADHD, fatnes s/obesity, and sexual "dysfunction". (My all-time favorite example of medicalization is "hysteria," a catch-all diagnosis that Victorian era physicians treated through "fine gentle massage"... of the lady parts!) Medicalization isn't inherently bad. I, for one, I'm grateful that a lot of mental health issues are now therapy + doctor things instead of "bad mood" or "just eat" things. But "There's a lot of money to be made from telling healthy people they're sick." I love it when companies solve my problems, but not so happy when they invent them!

So I'm pissed off at Groupon. It's bad enough that these primarily aesthetic "treatments" are described as "Good for Your Health" despite the fact that none of the body bits (pubic hair, wrinkles, cellulite) pose any legitimate health risk in their natural state. But, to make matters worse, almost all of these "services" involve physical pain and/or impose health risks due to the treatment itself. Not such a great deal after all...

Now, I enjoy my own beauty routines as much as the next gal. I reward my "writing fingers" with weekly manicures, wear some makeup most days, and even had a brazilian or two back when I was still trying to impress my husband. I'm not angry at women who want to be beautiful. I get it. I want to be beautiful too. However, I am angry at bullshit beauty advertising. Hate the game, not the players, ya'll.

This cartoon = me + Michael when we first started dating. Ha!

Women deserve a world in which we are free to express individuality and authenticity through appearance, allowing us the pleasurable creativity of self-expression. In this world we would not be so harshly judged for our beauty or our beauty-related choices. We obviously aren't there yet (hence, the "you're too 'fat-n-fugly' to be allowed to speak" emails I've been getting), but in the meantime I'd really appreciate it if Groupon would stop trying to convince us that tearing out our public hair at the root is "good for our health."

Enough of my rant. What do YOU think?
Do any of your beauty routines make you healthier?
Have any of them caused pain or - egads - a trip to the ER? I'll show you mine if you show me yours!

How To Celebrate International No Diet Day! (And How NOT To)

noreply@blogger.com (Kjerstin Gruys) — Mon, 06 May 2013 08:21:00 +0000

It's International No Diet Day! Hurrah! This is something I try to celebrate EVERY day of the year, but on May 6th I get to really fly my foodie freak flag. You might be wondering exactly what INDD is about. Well, it obviously isn't about dieting, but it also isn't about scarfing down junk food in a binging free-for-all. Binging is NOT the opposite of dieting.

Binging on "bad" food is 1/2 of the yo-yo dieting cycle.

It's bad for you, and is not anti-dieting. So don't do that.

Instead, do this: Imagine what your life would be like if you spent as much time, money, and emotional energy on your relationships, career, and/or favorite hobbies as you do on diets. Would your life be drastically different? Would the world be drastically different if this happened on a grand scale? I think so.

If you're uncomfortable with your answer to this question, I encourage you to talk with your friends, family, or even see your doctor or therapist, if you need to. Do some research on intuitive eating and mindful eating. Enjoy my favorite (chocolicious!) mindful eating exercise, Seven Steps to Mindful Eating. Finally, remind yourself of what "normal eating" looks and feels like. I've written on this topic in the past, and I'm copying my favorite "definition of normal eating," below. This is the definition I was given while in treatment for my eating disorder; once this definition "clicked" for me, I finally believed that I could recover (and I did!).

What is Normal Eating? by Ellyn Satter

Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied.

It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it -not just stop eating because you think you should.

Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food.

Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good.

Normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way.

It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful.

Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable.

And it can be undereating at times and wishing you had more.

Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating.

Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.

In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.

Here is how I want you to celebrate International No Diet Day:

Finally do something you've been putting off "until you lose weight!"

Need ideas?

Buy a bikini! WEAR a bikini! Go to the gym! Wink at that cutie from the coffee shop! Spend a shit-ton of money on clothes that fit you RIGHT NOW! Have sex with the lights on!

Most importantly: LOVE YOURSELF! :)

Q: Have YOU ever put off something because you wanted to lose weight? What did you put off? (FYI - I'm guilty of all of the above, but not anymore!)

About-Face(ing) New York, New York!

noreply@blogger.com (Kjerstin Gruys) — Thu, 02 May 2013 23:57:00 +0000

That's me, Audra Lowe and JD Roberto, on the set of The Better Show.

Hi everyone, I'm writing this what-I'm-up-to post as I sit in a lovely hotel room in New York City! My book, Mirror, Mirror Off the Wall, came out TODAY, and it's been a flurry of excitement and fun. I had several interviews today, so I wore my favorite color, green, for good luck and confidence. So far, so good, and I have ONE more interview left tonight: GOOD MORNING AMERICA! (Woooeeee!) Assuming all goes as planned, you can watch the GMA piece during the 8am hour, tomorrow (Friday) morning! I'll be the one in green.

In other news, Mirror, Mirror Off the Wall just jumped from an Amazon.com best-sellers ranking of #475,581 before the book came out, all the way up to #85,915 today! This cracks me up and is quite motivating: I want to be in the top #50,000 tomorrow! And so the journey continues...

Speaking of journeys, I NEVER make a journey out of California (or out of my house, for that matter) unless I have a set of About-Face #MindOverFashion stickers with me. What are these stickers, you ask? Well... they're basically my favorite way to slap an "I'm calling out your sexist media bullshit" message onto any media image that might teach girls to hate their perfectly wonderful bodies.

If you're not yet familiar with About-Face, you should know that it's an amazing nonprofit organization that helps girls develop tools for understanding and challenging media messages that threaten their self-esteem and body image. I'm a longtime volunteer, serving both as a media literacy workshop leader and an evaluation consultant. 5% of my book proceeds will be donated to About-Face (So, seriously, buy the book!). Just over a month ago, one of About-Face's amazing teen "action groups" spent an afternoon "Sticker-Bombing" San Francisco's Union Square, with awesome messages like "You were born to be real, not perfect!" and "Your mind will never go out of fashion!" I found it so inspiring and empowering that I began bringing these stickers along with me wherever I go, just in case.

Last night, when I finally arrived at my hotel room after a long day of travel, THIS is what I found waiting for me in a magazine. In case you couldn't tell.... it's an advertisement for.... LUGGAGE. Yeah, luggage. (That really makes me want to go buy some luggage... NOT!) Anyhoo, I think it looks better - and I feel better - now that it's been anointed with a pink About-Face #MindOverFashion sticker.

I hope my fun and excitement have been at least a bit contagious. Hopefully more good news tomorrow!

What do you think? Can stickers change the world?
Describe or send me the ads you'd like to to About-Face sticker-bomb!

*** EXCITING UPDATE: I'm now, at 4:11am PST, #25, 758 on Amazon's ranking! Incredible. I'm kind of sarcastic and kind of obsessed.***

Mirror Mirror Off the Wall Hits Bookshelves TOMORROW!

noreply@blogger.com (Kjerstin Gruys) — Wed, 01 May 2013 16:10:00 +0000

I can't believe it's almost May 2nd. Mirror, Mirror Off the Wall: How I learned to Love My Body by Not Looking at It for a Year hit's bookshelves THIS WEEK! You can find it on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Books A Million, Indiebound, iTunes, and wherever books are sold.

I have a few more announcements to come (hint: I'm packing up for a trip to NYC right now), but in the meantime please enjoy my just-released book trailer.

I don't ask this very often, but THIS WEEK - like, right now, before you forget! - is a great time for YOU to help spread the word about my work and the book. Sooo.....

Please share this trailer with your social network.

Here's the link: http://vimeo.com/65209624

"Your MIND Never Goes Out of Fashion" (Thanks to About-Face!)

noreply@blogger.com (Kjerstin Gruys) — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 23:15:00 +0000

My favorite city:

San Francisco (CHECK!)

My favorite nonprofit organization:

About-Face (CHECK!)

My favorite cause:

Healthy Body Image (CHECK!)

So it should be of no great surprise that I LOVE this image. I hope it inspires you too . Happy Monday!

Why I’m Breaking Up With The World’s Most Beautiful Woman: Gwyneth Paltrow Was My Thinspo

noreply@blogger.com (Kjerstin Gruys) — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 16:18:00 +0000

** TRIGGER WARNING **
Yesterday afternoon I was interviewed by a news reporter who is interested in possibly reviewing my book, Mirror Mirror Off the Wall. I was nervous about the interview, partially because being interviewed is always stressful, partially because it felt like a “big deal” interview, and mostly because I was 10 minutes late. I hate being late.

I think (hope!) I made up for my tardiness by being a pleasant-enough person to speak with for an hour or so. I also think (hope!) that the interview went well. Or, good enough, I should say. But a few of the questions threw me for a loop. One, in particular, left me muttering alternative answers to myself as I drove away.

It wasn’t the question about my relationship with Sherry, my mother-in-law (though I got a bit verklempt when describing what it felt like to worry that Sherry wouldn’t like me.) It also wasn’t the question that started with, “So I found it interesting that you were so open about your sex life in the book.” (I was!? Shit.) Nope, the question that left me almost speechless was this one: “So you probably know that Gwyneth Paltrow was just named the World’s Most Beautiful Woman by People Magazine. What do you think about that?”

What did I think about that?

The question was innocent enough, and certainly on topic, considering the body-image theme of my book. But Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t just any celebrity to me. She was my “thinspo” celebrity – my anorexic drug of choice – for almost a decade. Hearing her name randomly pop up as the new “Worlds Most Beautiful Woman!” felt like it might have felt if I’d been told that an epic-ex, the he-who-shall-not-be-named kind of ex, was going to be the next Bachelor, “didn’tcha know?” It was a great question, and I got through it with a generic “hate the beauty game, not the players” kind of answer, but my head was spinning on the inside.

There are hundreds of female celebrities who are very thin and stereotypically “beautiful,” but Gwynie was the one I became attached to, almost 15 years ago. She was 25 and earning an Oscar; I was 15 and developing an eating disorder. We were both pale-skinned natural blondes with thick straightish hair. Sure, she had blue eyes and mine were brown, but I still imagined that she was the gracefully thin girl living inside of my unruly and not-thin-enough body, just waiting to come out.

A snapshot from my college "look book."
(Otherwise known as retro Pinterest.)

It wasn’t just her looks, but also her presence that so captured me. I was frantic, anxious, and insecure; high-achieving, yes, but never satisfied. I blurted out answers in class (very unladylike) and feared that my appetite for food was insatiable and out-of-control. Gwyneth, in contrast, seemed characterized by an aura of calm entitlement, i.e., the opposite of frantic insecurity. The pleasure of being privileged in every possible way that a woman can be, and feeling as though you deserve it. This is what I saw in Gwyneth Paltrow, and I wanted it for myself. (Never mind that by most standards I am quite privileged, but I wanted her privileges too, those of great wealth, old-ish money, and extreme slenderness – sans guilt.)

So I saw her every chance that I could. I tore out magazine photographs of her and pasted them into my journals. I watched all of her movies, starting with Se7en, The Pallbearer, and Emma. At first it could have been any teenage girl’s celebrity worship, but when I started restricting food – during the same year as Sliding Doors, Great Expectations, A Perfect Murder, and Shakespeare in Love – my worship of Gwyneth’s graceful physical perfection helped me get sicker, and helped me stay sick.

I don't want to be quite this harsh... hate the game not the player, right?
Hate the pedestal, not the woman you've put on it.

In 1999, when Gwyneth played Marge, the cultured and unattainable fiancé character in The Talented Mr. Ripley, I imagined an entirely different movie; one in which I played a female version of Tom Ripley, managing to take over Marge’s privileged life. (Of course in my movie I didn’t have to beat her to death with a boat oar to take her place; she just gracefully handed over her identity, saying that I deserved it more than she did!) Funny, yes. But this fantasy was also a symptom of darker times; I really wanted somebody else’s life. Gwyneth Paltrow’s would have suited me just fine.

By the time The Royal Tenenbaums came out I was in therapy but still struggling. I’d started to worry about my fascination with Gwyneth by then. It had seemed so normal to want to be her, but suddenly I was getting kidney stones and osteopenia, learning about feminism, and fighting to come to terms with the fact that I was never ever (like, ever) going to look like GP. So it was a godsend for her to finally play a character who was weird, sexual, and somber, instead of pure and perfect. I had renewed hope that I could take her with me into recovery. So I had my hair cut into a Margot Tenenbaum bob and kept going to therapy.

And then GP (in a fat suit) starred in Shallow Hal, the movie that was supposed to be about inner beauty, but instead had dozens of misogynistic fat jokes. The nice women were all ugly and the mean women were all gorgeous. It ended with Jack Black’s character heroically “accepting” the fact that the wonderful woman he’d thought looked like Gwyneth Paltrow was actually just a fat blonde chick who he was still in love with, but, like, bummer about the fat chick thing.

It pissed me off. A lot. So finally I gave up Gwynie. Cold turkey.

It was a clean break in the sense that I avoided seeing her, but I never completely got over her, or what she meant to me. Gwyneth was the “one who got away,” I couldn’t talk about because the loss was still painful. But when she started talking about her extremely restrictive macrobiotic diet I knew I’d made the right choice.

Since 2001, I’ve only seen three of Gwyneth Paltrow’s films: Proof (which I loved, as I love most films that deal with mental illness), Iron Man (which I didn’t realize she was in, but dealt with it with the bewilderment of running into an ex at the grocery store), and Contagion (I loved the movie and felt proud that I'd finally seen Gwyneth on film without having a strong emotional reaction.)

The story should have ended there, but it didn’t. Gwyneth is still all over the media, and has become quite the fashion maven with "Iconic Style." She’s become a fitness ~~expert~~ freak and a cookbook author. Oh, and she can sing! And dance! She’s even a blogger. Bit-by-bit, this new (improved?!? MORE perfect?!) Gwynie slipped back into my life.

It’s okay. I told myself, I’m recovered now, and she’s just so cool! It’s not thinspo anymore, just good old-fashioned inspo!

A year ago, on Day 314 of my no-mirrors project, I decided to give myself Gwyneth Paltrow hair a few days before visiting family for the holidays. It went disastrously. I guess GP doesn’t color her own hair from a $5 box of drugstore hair dye. (Shocking, I know.)

And a few weeks ago reality swooped in again, and I’m so, so grateful.

$450,000!!!!!!

First I learned that she’d modeled several spring fashion “must haves” on her website, and that the cost of purchasing all of them added up to $450,000. This was not reality; it was comically absurd. Gwyneth had finally made a serious gaffe. That calm privilege was certainly going strong, but I suddenly realized that I’d been worshiping someone who is so privileged that she was completely out of touch with reality. I guess I had been too.

Then she published her second cookbook, It’s All Good, and, let me tell you, it ain’t all good. It was like reading a manual for orthorexia: no caffeine, alcohol, dairy, eggs, sugar, shellfish, deep-water fish, wheat, soy or any processed foods. Now, I respect food allergies, intolerances, and sensitivities; these are real things that cause a lot of discomfort, pain, inconvenience, and ill health to those who can’t eat foods with common ingredients. But this wasn’t touted as a cookbook for people who had to avoid these ingredients, but for people who want to “LOOK GOOD and FEEL GREAT!” Note the order. There are more pictures of Gwyneth in the book (usually eating, or contemplating eating), than images of food. As one author wrote: it reads like “the manifesto of some sort of creepy healthy-girl sorority with members who use beet juice rather than permanent marker to circle the ‘problem areas’ on each other’s bodies.”

This creeped me out. I simply could not ignore a book like this. This was Shallow Hal but worse. So Gwyneth had to go. Again. She was the the pair of skinny-jeans I hadn't been able to throw out, even though the mere thought of trying to fit into them made me feel bad about myself.

I literally penned a break-up letter in my journal. It was all like, “Dear Gwyneth, It’s not you, it’s me. Well, actually, it’s me having a problem with you.” There was profession of love lost, what she’d meant to me at different times, and admitting that we never actually knew each other at all. It’s funny how so many breakups end with these words. I apologized for objectifying her for 15 years (because that’s what thinspo is, really), and accepted responsibility for putting her on a pedestal she didn’t ask to be put on. (Well, I’m not actually sure whether or not she likes being put on pedestals, but you have to say some nice things in breakup letters. Karma and all that.). Finally, I wished her health and happiness and said goodbye. "I'm sorry but just can't see you anymore."

So what do I really think of Gwyneth Paltrow being chosen as “The World’s Most Beautiful Woman?” It makes weary. Mere days after I finally took her off of my pedestal, she was hoisted onto another one, a bigger one. I admit to being a little sick of GP right now, but I know that it’s the pedestals, not the women on them, that are the problem.

But what do you think?
Have any of you had to give up a thinspo celeb to be healthier and happier?

Science vs. Dove: Thanks, But We Are NOT Our Own Worst Beauty Critics...

noreply@blogger.com (Kjerstin Gruys) — Fri, 19 Apr 2013 12:47:00 +0000

So there's this new Dove 'Real Beauty Sketches' ad campaign, and I'm finally ready to say my piece about it. I watched the 3-minute version and felt emotions swelling in my chest. I liked this cathartic feeling, so I immediately watched the 6-minute version, which moved me to tears (they welled up in my eyes but didn't fall. I now think my tears knew better than I did...). My thoughts hadn't yet sorted themselves out, but my emotional reaction was pretty straight-forward; I'm pretty sure I reacted EXACTLY the way these videos were intended to make women feel: emotionally understood, connected to women-of-the-world, and grateful to Dove for taking the time to do something so, so nice, just because they (make a shit-ton of money and therefore) could.

But something nagged at my conscience. The video made me feel soooo flipping warm and fuzzy that I didn't trust it. I wanted to watch it over and over again, to revel in that bittersweet symphony, but instead avoided it like ~~the plague~~ Jennie Craig. Perhaps my contrarian skepticism stepped in, or maybe I just never got over the whole "real women" concept (read my last post on "real beauty" here). I've given far too many About-Face media literacy workshops to allow myself to simply react to media without (over)analyzing both my reaction and the media itself.

My suspicions were validated when other body-image bloggers pointed out some major issues with the video. You ~~can~~ MUST read these thoughtful and passionate critiques here, here, and here. These essays rightfully describe the ad campaign as being a heck of a lot better than what we're used to seeing in the media, but still falling short of our vision for inclusive body-positivity, in which being physically "beautiful" or "ugly" (or "real," for that matter) doesn't determine women's paths in life, or feelings of self-worth.

This is all serious stuff, but I've got another bone to pick. Are the claims and assumptions characterizing this ad campaign scientifically supported? I'm a researcher; Show me your data, and I'll show you mine!

Below, I outline 4 science-y assumptions/claims that have been made in this campaign, along with my reasearch-y assessments.

I tried to find a version of this in which a woman taught a man, but nothing. :(

1) "Only 4% of women around the world consider themselves to be beautiful."

Meet Dr. David Frederick!

Dove offers this statistic - a product of "company research" - in the paragraph explaining the video on youtube. Okay, fair enough. I'm actually tempted to believe this number, purely based on semantics. You see, most body image researchers don't ask research subjects whether or not they consider themselves to be "beautiful." Why? Because "beautiful" is highly subjective (particularly if you're asking women "around the world" who may have different cultural understandings of beauty.)

I contacted my favorite body-image-expert and co-author, Dr. David Frederick (who was the friend who came up with "Mirror Mirror Off the Wall" as my blog title!). I asked him to share some of his latest research, from a 2013 paper titled Understanding body dissatisfaction: Social comparison, objectification, and sociocultural factors. I asked him for insight on this 4% number. He offered the following:

"In a sample of over 24,000 men and women, we asked "how satisfied are you with your overall physical appearance?" using a 1-7 scale. (1 = very dissatisfied, 4 = neutral, 7 = very satisfied)" Here are the results:

28% of women are dissatisfied with their appearance.
15% of women are neutral about their appearance.
58% of women are satisfied with their appearance.

If you're wondering how 4% became 58%, it's, again, a matter of semantics. David explained, "There are studies that find most women want to change their weight, but this doesn't mean they necessarily are feeling 'dissatisfaction.'" If we follow the same logic for that 4% number we can imagine that even if 96% of women don't consider themselves to be beautiful, many still (gasp!) manage to be satisfied with their appearance.

Dove: not wrong, but not quite right either. I'll let you decide!

2) Other people view us as more attractive than we view ourselves; "We are more beautiful than we think."
This statement incapsulates the entire "point" of the video, if it is possible to do so in one sentence. The sketch artist "social experiment" seemingly "proved" this statement to be true. But can the finding be generalized? Let's look at the numbers. I couldn't find one single study that answered this question, but have of several that, when combined, help give us the full picture.

In Dave's 24,000 person study, women ranked their own attractiveness on a scale of 1-10. In another large-sample study, participants were asked to rank the attractiveness of others, pictured in photos, using an almost identical measure of attractiveness (1-5 instead of 1-10). Here are the results, side-by-side

65% of women consider themselves to be "above average"

32.5% of women were rated by others as "above average"

25% of women consider themselves to be "average"

52.1% of women are rated by others as "average"

10% of women consider themselves to be "below average"

15.4% of women are rated by others as "below average"

Are you seeing what I'm seeing? Even if we give some wiggle-room between these two studies, the pattern above suggests that our positive illusions lead us to view ourselves as more attractive than others view us. Does this mean we're all delusional? No, we're actually illusional. Psychologists use the term "positive illusion" to describe our tendency to view ourselves and the people closest to us as more spectacular than objective reality (if there is such a thing). Yes, this means that most of us believe ourselves to be above average in attractiveness (and intelligence, and kindness, and honesty), even though this is mathematically impossible. Yet, this also means that our romantic partners view us with similarly "positive" illusions (warm fuzzies again!). Oh, and another great concept, the "mere-exposure effect" predicts that the more time we spend with a person (i.e. "mere exposure"), the more we like that person. Thus, strangers are likely to view our looks more favorably simply by spending a few minutes chatting with us... kind of like the women who were asked to "get friendly with" the women whose portraits they were about to describe!

Dove blew it on this one. Big time. Which brings me to the next core assumption:

3) Dove's "social experiment" is experimentally sound.
No. Not in my opinion, at least. Why? I have a few reasons, but the major one is this: from what I could see from the videos, this social experiment was set up in such a way that the "findings" were almost certainly biased in favor of what they set out to prove. Here are three issues I noted (there may be more):

a) The "real women" being drawn seemed primed to provide negative statements about their bodies. For example, one woman was asked "if you could change anything about your looks, what would you change." She responded by saying "wow, I've never thought about this before..." before deciding she'd like fuller lips. Later, the same woman is asked to describe her chin and remarked "I guess I haven't really compared it to anyone else's chin...." before deciding that her chin stuck out too much. How might the results have been different if she had been asked to name her favorite features?

b) The presence of cameras and interviewers likely caused heightened feelings of self-awareness. This, in turn, would have increased the likelihood that the women participants acted in gender-conforming ways. In other words, the women being drawn were more likely to be properly self-deprecating ladies, and the women recalling the others' features would act like properly sweet and kind ladies. We were basically watching an over-dramatized version of plain old everyday fat talk discourse. Boooooring! (and predictable)

c) Finally, and most damning, the "real women" chosen to be drawn were reportedly selected based on fairly exacting criteria. Here are some choice phrases from the craigslist ad used to recruit them: "FLAWLESS SKIN, NO TATTOOS OR SCARS!" "FIT Not too Curvy Not too Athletic," "Beautiful HAIR & SKIN is a MUST!!!" "Well groomed and clean,"BEAUTIFUL ARMS AND LEGS AND FACE" If this report is true, then the social experiment wasn't poorly planned, but strategically rigged. Want to make sure the women sketched won't be described as ugly? Pick "flawless" "real women" with "beautiful hair and skin." BRILLIANT!

(FYI - Dove has released a "blame the intern" cop-out by claiming that the craigslist ad "wasn't approved." In other words, the ad came from within Dove's walls, even though somebody is about to get fired for it!)

4) Women are their own worst beauty critics.

Seriously. Seriously?

OMG NO! THIS IS A BOGUS CRAPPY ANGERING LIE! Turn on the TV! Open a magazine! Watch a movie! Walk through a mall!

We face a multi-billion dollar beauty industry that DEPENDS on women's insecurities. We don't come up with this insanity ourselves. There is nothing inherent to womanity that destines us for insecurities. Instead, we're force-fed it through the onslaught of media we encounter every single day of our lives.

Hey Dove, do you still sell that cellulite cream that doesn't work? No? How about the "firming" body lotion, or that deodorant that reportedly reduces my "underarm dark spots"? Yeah. That's what I thought.

I'm still trying to figure out what all of these varying data points and interpretations mean for me. On the one hand, I think it's good news that so many women are satisfied with their bodies. And I also love knowing that positive illusions are probably boosting my husband's view of my attractiveness. Do I like the idea that I probably view myself more vainly than "reality"? I'm not sure! I know it's good to HAVE positive illusions about yourself, but is it good to know about them. (Is this blog post going to make you wonderful readers feel more insecure about your bodies?!? Scary!) Does it matter if Dove's ad campaign is a biased social (non)experiment? I think it does matter (frankly, I feel suckered and resentful. That damn mood music!), but I'd rather see it replicated more scientifically, rather than dismissed.

As much as I complain about Dove's "real women" campaigns, I think they do more good than harm. Yes, they reify ideologies that make women focus on their looks and buy more stuff, but nobody else is coming anywhere close to encouraging women to love their bodies, and certainly not with as much energy or commitment. But I need to stop rambling...

What do YOU think of all this?
What's more compelling to your psyche: scientific research or emotional experiences?
Tell my why you love/hate/tolerate Dove!

How To: DIY Mirror Confrontation Therapy (Kate Upton & Sports Illustrated, Take Notes)

noreply@blogger.com (Kjerstin Gruys) — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 22:34:00 +0000

Mirror Confrontation: Like this, but with a full length mirror (flip-flops optional).
Thanks to MaleFeminist for posting this beautiful image!

Next in my series of Bodacious Body Image Activity Wednesdays is a DIY version of "Mirror Confrontation," a therapy exercise often used in eating disorder treatment. Some folks describe this activity as "Body Exposure," while others call it "Mirror Confrontation" therapy. I prefer "Mirror Confrontation," not only because this exercise helped me to confront mirrors again after my no-mirrors project ended, but also because "Body Exposure" sounds a tinge exhibitionist and makes me imagine freezing to death in Antarctica - stark naked, of course. (Note to self: post my rant about Kate Upton's controversial Sports Illustrated photo-shoot in Antarctica some other day... Brrrrrr!)

The term "Body Exposure" reminds me of this Kate Upton SI cover. Don't get me started!

Anyway, mirror confrontation therapy is designed to help people confront the reality of their bodies, while reducing self-objectification. While all versions of this therapy involve standing in front of mirrors repeatedly and for prolonged periods of time, my DIY-able version involves some guided thinking; one must look into the mirror and describe his/her body as precisely and neutrally as possible, while carefully avoiding subjective and negative statements.

Here is an example of a precise and neutral description:

"I have straight blonde hair, brown eyes, and a mole under my right nostril." (all true!)
"Oh, and I also have a rounded belly that sticks out a little bit." (true again.)

Here is an example of a subjective and negative statement:

"I am a big fat ugly unloveable loser." (see the difference?)

Over time, and with repetition, "mirror confrontation"will help you view your body - and the different parts of your body - as neutral facts rather than as subjective signifiers of your moral character and/or entire identity!

How would SHE/HE/IT describe your body?

TIPS
(1) SOMETIMES it helps to imagine yourself as a curious and judgment free child. Alternatively I like pretending that I am a space alien visiting Earth with abolutely no sense of cultural mores about attractiveness. (Oooh! Oooh! How about "curious and judgement free alien child"?? I digress...)

(2) IF a subjective and negative judgement pops into your head during this activity, write it down, followed by a neutral and precise statement you can use to challenge that thought the next time it shows up! (For bonus points, I like adding, "and who the hell cares anyway?!?" at the end of the neutral statements, i.e. "I have a rounded belly that sticks out a little bit and who the hell cares anyway?!?" Try it.)

Okay, so now go for it!

Let me know what you think.
For those of you who try it once, would you do it again?
Anyone willing to share their notes?

Were You Once a Bossy Little Girl? Quote of the Week From Sheryl Sandburg

noreply@blogger.com (Kjerstin Gruys) — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 21:15:00 +0000

I still haven't made it through (ahem, started!) Sandberg's book, Lean In, but it's already inspiring me! As a former "bossy" little girl, this quote resonates deeply. Please spread the message!

Were YOU a bossy little girl?

What messages were you given from the grown-ups in your life?

Call To Action: "Day Without Mirrors" Blogger Challenge!

noreply@blogger.com (Kjerstin Gruys) — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 17:00:00 +0000

I ended my year without mirrors just over 1 year ago, and on May 2nd, exactly 1 month from today Mirror, Mirror Off the Wall (MMOTW) will hit bookstore shelves. To celebrate the release and help spread the word, I'm proposing something fun and adventurous for all you other bloggers out there:

a "Day Without Mirrors" Blogger Challenge

If YOU are a fellow bodacious blogger and this sounds remotely intriguing, here's what I want you to do:

1) Contact me via email to request an advanced copy of MMOTW. (Read it! Love it! Share it!)
2) Embark on your own "Day Without Mirrors." (C'mon you can do it! Just one day!)
3) Share your experience with your readers by posting about the challenge/the book during the week of May 6th.
4) (OPTIONAL) Host a book giveaway of MMOTW.

***Also, any bloggers who decide to not participate in the challenge can still request an advanced copy of Mirror, Mirror Off the Wall for review or coverage on your site. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the book!***

Alright blogging friends!

Don't leave me hanging.

Who's in?!

(Oh, and is there anything - anything - you'd like ME to do as a complimentary challenge? It would only be fair.)

My Disappointing Search for Body-Positive Adult Fiction (Help Wanted!)

noreply@blogger.com (Kjerstin Gruys) — Fri, 29 Mar 2013 15:48:00 +0000

"A girl learns that stories happen to 'beautiful' women, whether they are interesting or not. And, interesting or not, stories do not happen to women who are not 'beautiful.'"

- Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth

I've begun a new quest! No, no, don't worry. It's nothing quite so personally disruptive as giving up mirrors for a year. Yet, in some ways, my new quest also has life-changing potential. Here's the scoop:

Who: Me.
What: Build a long list of body-positive adult fiction books, and read them all.
When: Now! This year! Forever!
Where: Wherever books are sold (or, preferably, borrowed, exchanged, or given away for free)
Why: Because before I was a writer, I was a reader.

It kills me to know that I'll never be able to read every great fiction book in my lifetime, but - given this fact - I may as well start filtering out the stories that make me feel like shit about my body. I'm also perfectly willing to give up books that reinforce the idea (the MYTH) that "stories do not happen to women who are not 'beautiful.'"

I'm SO SICK AND TIRED of reading books I've picked up specifically because they are rumored to have an amazing and complex female protagonist who doesn't fit mainstream beauty norms, only to find that the protagonist's happy ending only shows up after she loses weight or goes through some other sort of physical transformation. Of course, no writer has ever directly said "my character's life completely changed because she got that haircut!" No, they aren't that obvious. Instead, they show us that ugly duckling heroines who finally become swans, find happiness because of the confidence that comes along with becoming a swan. Yes, it is not beauty but confidence-brought-on-by-beauty that changes women's lives for the better. Ohhhh, right. I get it now; there aren't any other ways to build confidence other than by changing one's appearance! Anyway, you know what kind of books I'm talking about, the ones that teach us that, no matter how many good things we've got going on (exciting careers, fulfilling hobbies, loving relationships, pure dumb luck), our lives will only be as fabulous as our looks.

Well screw that. It isn't even true.

Zillions of REAL, LIVING, women have bodies that are ugly/plain/weird/fat/short/crazy-tall/hairy/big-footed/small-breasted/round-bellied/crooked-toothed/frizzy-haired/etc., and yet they still manage to find gorgeous love, exciting careers, and generally fabulous lives. YOU are probably one of these women!

But where are the literary stories that share this truth?

Great book series! Start here.

I refuse to believe that they aren't out there. I probably just haven't known where to look. I've tried building a list of body-positive adult fiction.... and it's been really hard. So far I'm reading or re-reading some of the best from Jennifer Weiner, and have also tracked down a sweet mystery series written by Sue Ann Jafarian, in which the feisty sluethy heroine is a "never-married, middle-aged, plus-sized woman who makes no excuses for her weight." But that's about it.

Instead, my searches on Google and on GoodReads.com have mostly landed on one of three not-quite-right categories:

(1) Lists featuring "books with plus-sized heroes/heroines" which are not, actually, body-positive, due to the fact that in many of these books, fat/chubby/plus-sized characters find happiness only after weight-loss (such as Wally Lamb's She's Come Undone or Doug Crandell's The Flawless Skin of Ugly People - which both happen to be amazing books with the exception of their subtle "get prettier then get happier" messages).

(2) Lists of body-positive young adult fiction (I mean, I loved Judy Blume's scoliotic Deenie, back in the day, but I want the grown-up version for my grown-up life!).

Wow, this 1991 cover really brings back memories! You too?

(3) Lists of explicit erotica serving unique fetish readers. (I'm not knocking explicit erotica, but I'm waaayy to prudish to read this stuff on the bus, and I find appearance-based fetishes to be somewhat - errr... inherently - dehumanizing. I mean, check out the book covers below. Is it just me, or is this just a sexified version of the dehumanized "headless fatties" we're always seeing in the "scared-of-fat-mainstream-news-community?")

Headless Fattie Erotica: Exhibit A

Headless Fattie Erotica: Exhibit B

Sigh...

In other words, I haven't yet found an already-curated list of truly body-positive adult fiction.

So, I'm making one. Can you help me?

I need book recommendations. ANY fiction genre is welcomed.

What are YOUR favorites?

Bodacious Body Image Wednesday: Seven Steps to Mindful Eating (of Chocolate)!

noreply@blogger.com (Kjerstin Gruys) — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 12:00:00 +0000

It's Bodacious Body Image Wednesday again, and do I have a (chocolatey) treat for you! This week's body image activity is an exercise in mindful eating.... of CHOCOLATE! What is mindful eating? Well... the New York Times did a great job exploring the concept in this article, but I'll try to boil it down to this quote from Psychology Today by Dr. Jan Chozen Bays (Zen teacher and author of Mindful Eating: A Guide to Rediscovering A Healthy and Joyful Relationship With Food) :

Mindful eating involves paying full attention to the experience of eating and drinking, both inside and outside the body. We pay attention to the colors, smells, textures, flavors, temperatures, and even the sounds (crunch!) of our food. We pay attention to the experience of the body. Where in the body do we feel hunger? Where do we feel satisfaction? What does half-full feel like, or three quarters full?

Mindful eating - which is different from "intuitive eating" - focuses on taking sensuous pleasure in foods, and on the conscious engagement in all of your senses (except for your sense of guilt!). Mindful eating is the opposite of mindless eating (you know, the kind of eating that starts with a DVD and a box of Krispy Kremes and ends with .... a box). As someone who once had a love/hate relationship with food (Krispy Kreme glazed chocolate cake donuts in particular), I am grateful to mindful eating for teaching me to just. love. food.

Mindful eating is awesome and 100% consistent with the

"Definition of Normal Eating!"

I used to binge on a box of these, eating only the glazed exterior... yipes!

Through mindful eating I discovered that I don't even LIKE the slightly chemically flavor of Krispy Kreme doughnuts (it turns out that I much prefer the Passion Fruit Milk Chocolate pastries from Dynamo Donuts). Mindful eating helped me kick my "clean the plate even if you're stuffed" habit. It turned me into a sublime savorer, a moan-when-I-eat nosher, a best-hamburger-in-San-Franisco chaser, and the last person at the table to finish eating. This is a vast improvement from the girl who ate the exact same calorie-counted breakfast, lunch, and dinner every single day during my freshman year of college (save for the donut binges).

Passion Fruit Glaze + Milk Chocolate Crumbles? OH YEAH!

Mindful eating, like many Zen habits, is not learned overnight. Below is a beginner's lesson, step-by-step. The only supplies you'll need are: an open mind and a small piece of chocolate (a Hershey's kiss is a good size, though I'd upgrade to a higher quality chocolate if possible!) I am drawing from a lesson outlined in this Psychology Today article. (Modeling each step is my sister, Hanna, great lover of chocolate and the person who first introduced me to Califonia's abundant gastronomic culture.) Bon Appétit!

Steps to Mindfully Eating Chocolate:

1. Notice the weight of a piece of chocolate in your hand. Look at it closely.

Looks good to me! Swiss chocolate whoooeee!

2. Observe the shape and color. Use at least three words to describe it to yourself.
("Swiss!" "Red" and "Just the right size")

3. As you unwrap it, listen closely to the crinkle of the foil or paper.

"Crinkle"

4. Bring the chocolate up to your nose, and inhale deeply. Notice what thoughts come into your mind as you do this. The smell of chocolate can bring up some powerful feelings and memories. Deeply inhale.

Doesn't this image make you take a deep breath just from looking at it? Better go get yourself some chocolate!

5. Do any critical thoughts come up like, "I shouldn't eat this"? If so, let the thoughts come and go as if you are letting go of a balloon.
(Hanna didn't have this problem!)

6. Place the chocolate in your mouth. Notice the flavor, richness, and texture. Pay attention to how the sensations change as it melts and molds to your mouth.

Yeah, I know you're jealous!

7. Follow the sensations as the chocolate slips down your throat into your stomach.
(BTW isn't this video super cute? Half-way through, Hanna asked, "Can I have another bite??" Yes, of course you can!)

This is how you can eat chocolate mindfully. But don't forget - ANY food can (and should!) be eaten mindfully. Good luck!

Any chocolate lovers out there willing to give it a try and report back? How did it go?

What is YOUR favorite chocolate treat?

P.S. - I'm a huge fan of these Equal Exchange Organic Panama Extra Dark Chocolate bars. I buy them in bulk from Amazon.com so I never run out.

Greetings from Barcelona: TODAY Marks One Full Year Since I've Brought Mirrors Back Into My Life...

noreply@blogger.com (Kjerstin Gruys) — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 21:25:00 +0000

Greetings Friends! I'm in SPAIN!!

Exactly ONE YEAR AGO I was gearing up for my "First Look Party" AKA my Body Positive Bonanza, filled with friends, family, and my favorite Bay Area positive body image organizations: About-Face, Voluptuart, and activist extraordinaire, Marilyn Wann. It was an amazing night, perfectly end to a year of smeared makeup, lessons in trust, and ample self-discovery. Life has been pretty great since my no-mirrors project ended. I'll save the details for you to read about in the book (out May 2nd!), but suffice it to say that I'm more secure about my body, a better friend and partner, and generally happier that I was before the project.

Anyhoo... I can't think of a cooler way to commemorate March 25th (which also happens to be my 4-year dating anniversary with Michael!), than by seeing THE FINAL HARDCOVER version of my forthcoming book, Mirror, Mirror Off the Wall (left). Oh, and it doesn't hurt that I'm currently in Barcelona, Spain, kicking off a week of vacation with my parents and siblings, Hanna and Peter. I only wish Michael could be here with us, but he's being sent to the Philippines, Australia, and New Zealand for work. (Yeah, I don't feel sorry for him either!)

Okay, that's all I've got for now. More soon. I can't wait to share this week's positive body image activity with you on Wednesday. Hint: in the spirit of my stay in Europe, CHOCOLATE will be involved!

PS - Have any of you been to Spain? It's my first time here and I'd LOVE recommendations for activities, sight-seeing, and dining!

Fun Fact Friday: Publishers Weekly STARRED Review for Mirror, Mirror Off the Wall

noreply@blogger.com (Kjerstin Gruys) — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 12:30:00 +0000

"This book should be required reading for those women who struggle with body-image issues—and even those who don’t."

Alright, alright. I know this isn't typical for a "Fun Fact" post (for newcomers, my FFF posts usually cover interesting tidbits from sociology, psychology, history, and contemporary feminist scholars). But still, it's a fact, and a fun one at that. My heart is bursting with pride.

My forthcoming book, Mirror, Mirror Off the Wall, has received a coveted "starred review" from Publishers Weekly. When I heard the news last week I hadn't even heard of Publishers Weekly, but my editor explained that it's one of the main sources that book buyers turn to when purchasing their inventory. Woohooo!

Here's the full review:

In this brave and inspiring work, Gruys challenges long-held cultural cues about female beauty.

After recovering from an eating disorder, the author set out to show—guided by her volunteer work at About Face, a San Francisco nonprofit organization, and her pursuit of a Ph.D. in sociology at U.C.L.A.—that true beauty is anything but skin deep.

She vowed to not look in a mirror—or any reflective surface—for a year, and to document how this decision affected the way she related to her fiancé and to the world at large, writing a blog about the experience to keep herself accountable. Gruys’s project is especially admirable given that her wedding occurred during the year in question (and weddings have been known to make even the most humble woman become image-obsessed).

Gruys admits to her all-too-human insecurities and describes her sometimes-difficult effort to live life without defining herself through beauty. Her story encourages others to do the same. This book should be required reading for those women who struggle with body-image issues—and even those who don’t.

For a first time author like me, a review like this feels incredibly validating. Will it increase book sales? Who knows. Right now I'm just feeling proud of myself and grateful for those who have supported me along the way.

Speaking of gratitude, I'd like to send out a special message of thanks to the following authors and scholars who took the time to read and review a pre-publication (i.e., typo-ridden) copy of the manuscript:

Peggy Orenstein, author of Cinderella Ate My Daughter
Caitlin Boyle, author of Healthy Tipping Point
Golda Poretsky, author of Stop Dieting Now
Sally McGraw, author of Already Pretty
Cynthia Bulik, author of The Woman in the Mirror
Natalie Boero, author of Killer Fat
Lynn Peril, author of Pink Think
Autumn Whitefield-Madrano, founder of The Beheld
Lynne Gerber, author of Seeking the Straight & Narrow
Jennifer Berger, executive director for About-Face
Marilyn Wann, author of Fat!So?
Abigail Saguy, author of What's Wrong with Fat?

Okay, that's all I've got for today... Enjoy your weekend!

Introducing Bodacious Body Image Wednesdays + Ten Steps To Positive Body Image

noreply@blogger.com (Kjerstin Gruys) — Thu, 07 Mar 2013 00:39:00 +0000

Can you find it??

I have a file in my office where I keep a collection of activities and quizzes that promote Healthy Body Image. I've tried several of these throughout my own journey to a healthy body image, and I use some in my classrooms and in the media-literacy workshops I give in my volunteer work for About-Face. I've even shared a few on this blog (like HERE).

But few days ago I realized that this file folder filled with great body image activities and quizzes wasn't doing as much good as it ought to. So.... beginning this week I'm introducing:

Bodacious Body Image Wednesdays!

Every Wednesday for the foreseeable future, I'll be posting a new healthy body image activity or quiz for your enjoyment! I'll also be building a "master list" on my new "BODY IMAGE ACTIVITIES & QUIZZES" page, up there in my navigation bar.

For today's activity - the very first of this new weekly series - let's start with something simple: the "Ten Steps To Positive Body Image" list from the National Eating Disorders Association. I posted this list way back in August 2012, but want to bring it out again. So... Here it is, looking all artistic:

Anyone know the original source? I haven't been able to find it.

Step 1:
Download this image, file it, pin it, whatever works for you. You can also find a printable black-and-white PDF HERE.

Step 2:
Read through the list and note any steps that particularly resonate with you.

Step 3:
Take ONE step. (my favorites are #7, "Wear clothes that are comfortable...," and #9, "Do something nice for yourself...")

Step 4:
Note how your ONE step made you feel. Consider taking a few more steps, time permitting!

Step 5:
Keep this list handy, either printed out in your home or workplace, or easily accessible on your computer or Pinterest account. Return to it OFTEN, particularly when experiencing what I call the "Body Image Blues." (otherwise known as a "Bad Hair Day" or an "I Feel Fat" feeling or an "I hate my [fill in the blank with a body part]" thought.

Step 6:
Share with others! Spread the word on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, snail-mail, whatever!

And that's it!

What do you think of my new Wednesday series? Do you have any great body image activities to contribute? I want to hear about them!

The Poetry of Normal Eating, Defined

noreply@blogger.com (Kjerstin Gruys) — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 12:30:00 +0000

NEDAwareness 2013. Everybody Knows Somebody.

Last week was National Eating Disorder Awareness (NEDAwareness) Week of 2013, the largest education and outreach effort on eating disorders in the United States. As a recovered anorexic (well, technically, a recovered Eating-Disorder-Not-Otherwise-Specified-ic) this week always swells my heart with emotion, and I take it pretty seriously; I could have used this kind of enthusiastic advocacy, information, and support in high school, maybe earlier.

UCLA's Body Image Task Force is pretty awesome!

For my small part, I headed to Los Angeles to give at talk at UCLA, for "I Love My Body Week," run by the UCLA Body Image Task Force. The students running the Task Force were phenomenal (big shout-out to Nicola S. for !) and I had a great time. Most of my talk was in a Q&A interview format, but I had about 5 minutes at the beginning to plug NEDAwareness. I'd planned to narrate my experience developing and then recovering from my eating disorder, but at the last minute I had a change of heart. I decided to read a poem. Admittedly, the poem I recited wasn't originally written as such, but the first time I heard it read aloud the words sunk into my heart with the intensity and emotion that has always defined poetry in my mind.

The year was 2002 and I was in my first month of "Intensive Outpatient Therapy" at an eating disorder clinic near my college. I had just finished a group session of "calming" yoga (which was far-from-calming since the room was filled with palpably anxious young women, at least 1/3 of whom were quietly crying in Child's Pose while another 1/3 were trying to stealthily burn a shit-ton of calories by adding imperceptible calisthenic moves into our Sun Salutations. I was one of the criers). After the Corpse Pose grande finale (and some of us really did look like corpses) were all shuffled into our next therapy activity for a lesson on "normal eating."

Normal eating? What the hell is that? I remember thinking. Okay, give me the "normal eating diet" and I'll follow it, I thought. I was good at diets. But normal eating wasn't a diet. It also wasn't a list of foods, or "points," or food groups, or even levels of satiety that needed to be monitored "intuitively." Instead, it was this:

What is Normal Eating? by Ellyn Satter

Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied.

It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it -not just stop eating because you think you should.

Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food.

Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good.

Normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way.

It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful.

Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable.

And it can be undereating at times and wishing you had more.

Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating.

Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.

In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.

I won't dive into the details of why and how this "definition" (poem, I tell you. POEM!) shaped the trajectory of my recovery. Suffice it to say that I'd never been able to successfully eat "intuitively," but finally forgave myself for this after learning that normal eating takes some "time and attention" and that emotional eating isn't always disordered (indeed, mindful eating is all about pleasure and being in tune with your body!).

Because when it comes to poetry, all you can do is TRY.

So anyway, at my talk last week I did my best to recite this "definition" of normal eating with the spirit of spoken word poetry. If I'd planned ahead, I would have worn a beatnik beret, brought bongos, and insisted on finger-snaps instead of applause. But, even without these poetic accouterments I think I managed to pull it off with the emotional effect I was hoping to cultivate. Regardless, I hope someone else out there finds it helpful.

Now you tell me: What is YOUR definition of "Normal Eating?" Can it be defined? And what's your opinion of having governmentally defined "dietary guidelines?"

Mirror, Mirror OFF the Wall - Cover Design & Pre-Order Info!

noreply@blogger.com (Kjerstin Gruys) — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 18:40:00 +0000

I'm incredibly proud to announce that my 1st book

Mirror, Mirror OFF the Wall:

How I Learned to Love My Body by Not Looking at It for a Year

is available for pre-order on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Books A Million, Indiebound, and iTunes.

Also: here is that book cover you've all been waiting for!

Look for the hardcopy and electronic versions coming out in the first week of May!

P.S. - What do you think of the cover? Too pink? Just right?

What's Up With All of the Recent "Size 8" Pride? (And What, Exactly, IS "Size 8," Anyway?)

noreply@blogger.com (Kjerstin Gruys) — Thu, 06 Dec 2012 07:07:00 +0000

Size 14? Well, yes, but no. Read more here.

The other day I was editing an article I'm writing for the academic journal, Social Problems. (The article draws from my master's paper, about the "Plus Size" clothing industry.) It was my second round of responding to reviewers' edits, so most of the requested changes were pretty minor. One, however, gave me pause.

Reviewer #2 wrote: "Inconsistency: Sometimes the author says she is a size 8 and other times a size 10."

Inconsistent? Sure. But it's also true. When I wrote that I "generally wear a standard-sized 8 or 10 in pants," I meant it. Some days I'm an "8" and other days I'm a "10." But to be completely honest, depending on where I've been shopping for clothes, I might also be a "6," a "12," a "Small," a "Medium," a "Large," or an "XL." My closet currently contains clothes in all of these sizes, and they all fit. Sure, my measurements fluctuate a bit depending on my hormones and/or the length of time that's passed since I last ate a super-salty meal (yummmm), but I know my body, and it doesn't change all that much.

It's not me, it's them.
Who? Them.
The clothing companies who can't seem to make up their minds about what size(s) we are.

The crazy inconsistency of clothing size standards in the U.S. fashion industry fascinates me. It fascinates me so much, in fact, that I've conducted research on the topic. I'll tell you more about the particulars of my sociological stuff some other time, but suffice it to say that I kind of scoff whenever I hear anyone - particularly celebrities - claiming to be any certain size.

The stand-out offender, to my memory, was Jennifer Love Hewitt, who responded to trash magazines that had dissed her for gaining weight by saying on her blog, "Like all women out there should, I love my body. [...] A size 2 is not fat! Nor will it ever be." It really pissed me off that Jennifer used a completely nebulous concept ("size 2") to tell the world that she wasn't fat, and, therefore, shouldn't be picked on. For the record, this was pure "fat talk," and while it may have seemingly gotten supposedly-size-2-Hewitt off the hook, it also reinforced the idea that it's okay to be cruel to women who are fat. Folks called Hewitt a body image advocate for sticking up for herself, but I wish she'd stuck up for the rest of us too. Nobody - not even very very fat women - deserve to be treated with disrespect. (Oh, on a side note, mark my words: if vanity sizing continues the way it's been going, size 2 may very well be considered "fat" in a future filled with size quadruple-zeros!)

Anyway, back to the present. These days, "Size 8" seems to be the new cool-girl size. Female celebrities owning their down-to-earthiness are all about the Size 8! (This all kind of reminds me of the whole "Real Beauty" thing from a few years ago, which sounds nice, but also suggests that certain women are somehow more real than others.) Anyway, this recent SIZE 8 IS GREAT! trend started with my favorite funny-girl, Mindy Kaling.

Here is what Mindy writes about being a "chubby 8" in here book Is Everybody Hanging Out Without Me?:

Since I am not model-skinny, but also not super-fat and fabulously owning my hugeness, I fall into that nebulous, 'Normal American Woman Size' that legions of fashion stylists detest. For the record, I'm a size 8 (this week anyway). Many stylists hate that size because, I think, to them, I lack the self-discipline to be an aesthetic, or the sassy confidence to be a total fatty hedonist. They're like 'Pick a lane.'"

I like that Mindy suggests that her body changes by the week, but what about her clothing size? A size 8? From where, exactly? I'm not suggesting that Mindy is actually bigger than a size 8, or smaller, or whatever. In my opinion a woman's actual size and clothing size shouldn't matter at all. But they do, so why claim something that we all know to be... well... "nebulous." Are we all agreeing to ignore this so we can tell ourselves that WE are, in fact, size whatever-we-want-to-be? (FYI, I find it really interesting that she thinks stylists prefer either super thin or super fat. In my experiences working in the fashion industry, "super fat" was what they called... me. So maybe times have changed?)

Next there was Miranda Lambert.

Lambert told everyone who reads SELF magazine, "I feel my best when I'm a toned, not flabby, size 8." Again, size 8 is the chosen size. But, don't worry, she's not flabby. Indeed, Miranda's as-long-as-I'm-not-flabby body confidence appears on the magazine cover next to a headline promising to "Peel Off the Pounds!" Sigh.

Finally, formerly-skinny-sized-now-formerly-plus-sized-model Crystal Renn added her two-cents.

Renn fended off critics of her recent weight loss by saying,

I've been a double-zero, children's clothes, at 95 pounds, and I've been all the way up to a size 16 and everything in between. [....] Now I'm a 6, 8, sometimes a 10, depending on what designer I'm wearing. And that's an interesting place to be in fashion, where extremes are the norm.

Renn's quote is actually my favorite of the three. Why? Because it (finally!) recognizes that clothing size labels are all over the place. I have no idea what's going on with Renn's weight-loss-gain-loss (and it's really none of my business), but I do believe what she's decided to tell the world about her clothing size: it totally depends on what designer she's wearing.

Since clothing size varies tremendously across brands, celebrities (and real people!) can claim to be any variety of sizes without lying. For example, I could describe myself as an "XS" since I have one t-shirt in my closet that fits. Or, I could describe myself as "XL" thanks to another t-shirt that fits. (It's magic, I tell ya!) Anyway, my point is this: why are celebs suddenly claiming "Size 8" instead of something smaller (or larger, for that matter)?

If Mindy and Crystal are to be trusted, this "in-between" size isn't very appreciated by "the industry." My opinion? I think that claiming to be a "size 8" is intended to give us the impression that the celebrity is not so skinny that we can't relate to her, but also not so fat that we cringe on her behalf, or no longer aspire to be her.

But I'm not sure how I feel about this.

On the one hand, I don't think a woman's body size or clothing size or weight or does-she-did-or-doesn't-she enhance her appearance through surgery or hair dye should matter a fig to anyone. All of these things ought to be simple matters of biology and/or personal expression, NOT determinants of whether a woman ought to be respected or admired or loved.

On the other hand, since the above situation seems unlikely in the foreseeable future, my second-preference would be for female celebrities - and the rest of us! - to be completely upfront and open about their bodies. For example, my mother-in-law, Sherry, has had quite a few cosmetic procedures and has a policy of complete disclosure. I respect this a lot. Instead of us all obsessing about "does she or doesn't she," I'd like women to simply say, "yup, I dye my hair," or "yup, I got an eye-lift," or "yup, I pay an enormous amount of money for a personal chef and personal trainer," or "yup, I had weight-loss surgery," or "nope, I eat like crap and I'm probably going to kick the bucket early, but I've got crazy good genes for looks!" Even more basic, I'd like women to say, "yup, I'm 5'5" and today I weigh 157 pounds," (that's me, by the way). I can't help but wonder if sharing more objective information about our bodies might help us cut through some of the little fibs we tell each other - and ourselves - about what makes a someone "normal" "ideal" or even "real."

Of course, we don't yet live in a world that allows women to say these things while also controlling how people react to them. Because of this, I'd never ask anyone - celebrity or not - to "come out of the closet" about this stuff. I just wonder whether pushing ourselves into a culture of "full disclosure" (i.e., talking about our measurements instead of our clothing size) might help us get closer to a place where the mystery of these things have less power over our lives.

But what do YOU think? Is it nice or just sneaky when celebs talk about their clothing size? Is it none of our business, or are you frustrated when celebrities keep their beauty secrets secret? Finally, are you attached to being, or fitting into, a particular clothing size?

New Article, "Does This Make Me Look Fat?" Published in Social Problems

noreply@blogger.com (Kjerstin Gruys) — Mon, 19 Nov 2012 22:20:00 +0000

Hey folks,

Time for some flagrant self-promotion. I'm excited to announce the publication of my paper, "Does This Make Me Look Fat?: Aesthetic Labor and Fat Talk as Emotional Labor in a Women's Plus Size Clothing Store" in the current edition of Social Problems.

Read it and you'll learn all about my experience working in a Plus-Size clothing store. There are plenty of crazy stories (An employee weight-loss contest?! Skinny managers "Fat Talk" to Plus Sized sales associates?!?), plus academic analyses explaining why the stories matter.

Follow this link to an electronic version of the article:

http://www.kjerstingruys.com/website/Publications_files/Does_This_Make_Me_Look_Fat_.pdf

Show and tell: I'd love to know your own war stories from shopping for clothes. Rude salespeople? Warped "skinny mirrors"?

Halloween temporarily turns me into an evil Slut-Shamer, so I'm staying inside to protect the world from my bitchy negative vibes.

noreply@blogger.com (Kjerstin Gruys) — Thu, 01 Nov 2012 04:36:00 +0000

It's been a looong time since my last post, but the winds of change and blogging productivity are finally blowing back in my direction. (In other words, my book manuscript is SUBMITTED! Huzzah!) I chose the night of Halloween for my first new post, because Halloween is a holiday rife with gender stuff and body stuff. I can't avoid it, and needed to write.

I am not the first person to have noticed with concern that costume stores are stocked with a fairly limited assortment of highly gendered (and often highly sexualized) costume options for boys, girls, men and women (I highly recommend this article published by Miss Representation for an insightful critique of Halloween costume culture). Because of this, Halloween has long been my least favorite holidays. (Admittedly, lingering food issues and the abundance of bite-sized candy may also play into my anxieties!)

Daria is hilarious but also kind of judgy.

I feel like a rigid and totally-not-fun sourpuss when I see so much eager self-objectification among my fellow ladies. I am Halloween's version of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. Really, every year I should just dress up as Daria, so I can blame my cynical eye rolling and huff-puffing as an effort to "stay in character." Knowing this, and not wanting to ruin anybody else's fun night with my judginess, I typically lay low on October 31st. (Caveat: I do enjoy costume parties hosted by my closest friends, but the last time I went to one there were 2 women dressed up as Daria, four as the modestly-clothed Golden Girls, and there was a Gloria Steinem greeting people with vintage feminist awesomeness. In other words, my friends aren't really mainstream Halloweeners....)

I hate feeling judgmental towards my fellow women. It goes against my feminist commitments to empathy, celebration of all women, and general disdain for ladies keeping other ladies down. Here's the worst part: feeling (and, even worse, acting) bitchy about women who choose to dress provocatively on Halloween makes me a Slut-Shamer. (FYI, according to FinallyFeminist101.com, Slut-Shaming happens when a person "publicly or privately [insults] a woman because she expressed her sexuality in a way that does not conform with patriarchal expectations for women.") Slut-shaming is REALLY BAD STUFF! It contributes to a sexual double-standard in which men are praised for their sexuality while women are shamed for it; it polices rather than celebrates women's bodies and sexualities; and it implicitly (and often explicitly) positions the slut-shamer as being somehow "better-than" the slut-shamed.

This is Slut-Shaming. By 12-year-olds. It's awful. Really, read it. Don't do it.

My Halloween slut-shamery troubles me profoundly. On the one hand, I hate (hate! hate!) how our culture objectifies and hyper-sexualizes girls and women. I think that sexual objectification is a direct cause of body shame and disordered eating, and it is painful for me to see what I assume to be women's self-objectification on Halloween. Yet my assumption that women dressed provocatively must be self-objectifying - the idea that they have unknowingly or complacently fallen victim to our culture's sexism - is just that: an assumption. This assumption downplays women's agency. It forgets that women can - and should - find enjoyment and pleasure in their sexuality. It forgets that we are all in costume, every day, and that our various costumes represent only one aspect of our complex selves. Most importantly, it ignores the possibility that Halloween might be the one day of the year when women imagine that they can dress with exaggerated provocativeness without being slut-shamed.

For these things, I apologize, and welcome your own thoughts on the subject. I am obviously still working through this, which is why I am spending this year's Halloween in a dark movie theater watching a documentary with my sister.

QUESTIONS:
Is Halloween empowering to you?
Is it a creative outlet?
Is it a cherished and nostalgic holiday?
Does it make you cringe?
Are there any other 1-day-a-year ashamed-to-be-slut-shamers out there?

Finally, a more lighthearted question: What is your all-time favorite Halloween costume?
(Here's mine: I dressed up as a DINNER SALAD one year in elementary school. I designed and sewed my own costume and everything. It didn't exactly win any popularity contests, but I know my parents were proud!)

Is Vanity A Luxury of the Able-Bodied?

noreply@blogger.com (Kjerstin Gruys) — Mon, 27 Aug 2012 06:09:00 +0000

Word.

Feminist sociologists (like me!) do their best recognize that they conduct research from unique social positions, which allow us to see certain things very clearly, while blinding us to other things. In the past, I've written about how my body image has been shaped by having clear-skinned privilege, by having - and not wanting to lose - thin-privilege (yes, even us size-10ish girls enjoy thin-privilege!), and, today, I'm giving some thought to my able-bodied privilege...

...which is why I'm so excited to introduce today's guest-blogger. Dr. Elizabeth (Liz) Joniak-Grant is a dear friend of mine. We met in graduate school at UCLA, and I immediately admired Liz's intelligence, compassion, and witty sarcasm. However, what I didn't see immediately was that Liz is physically disabled, even though she looks pretty normal (okay, gorgeously, fashionably, curvaliciously normal!). Several months ago I asked Liz if she would be willing to share some of the insights she's gleaned on the topic of body image, as a result of having a body that is invisibly disabled. Here is what she wrote:

When Kjerstin asked me to write an entry for her blog, I wondered if I had anything to contribute to a discussion about body image and mirrors.

Meet Liz!

I only have three mirrors in my house. Two only show me from the chest up, and the third is a full length mirror that hangs on the back of a closet door that doesn’t open easily. The only way I can see myself is if I get into the closet (which has no light) and stand about 5 inches from the mirror. It doesn’t provide the most useful or accurate view of my body, but I’ve had this set-up for nearly 3 years and haven’t bothered to change it. Laziness? Partially. But this also derives from the unique relationship I have with my body, one that loosens me from the chains of mirrors.

My relationship with mirrors is shaped by three realities of my existence.

Reality #1: I’m (dis)abled (not handicapped, not differently abled, just plain old boring disabled). What does this have to do with not looking at myself in the mirror and obsessing less about my looks? I just don’t have the energy. So much of my time is spent in doctor’s offices, at physical therapy, and doing exercises to help overcome my physical limitations that most mornings, and especially evenings, I don’t want to waste extra energy looking at, analyzing, and comparing myself to some ideal. In my adult life, I have been a big believer in “good enough is enough” and I do my best to embody that (pun intended!) when I can.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not some highly evolved being who has drunk from the fountain of “I’m beautiful no matter what!” elixir; I have doubts like everyone else. Indeed, I’m currently designing a lovely sign to hang on my neck for all to see, that says “FYI, my recent weight gain is due to my medications and my doctor says there’s nothing I can do about it.” I think it calls for glitter! When I do look in a mirror, of course I notice if my makeup is smudged or if I have a spot brewing. But what I notice more than these things is my posture. How am I standing? Can I pull my shoulders back more? Are they even? Is my head sitting squarely above my shoulders? Is my chin tilted properly? This brings me to...

Reality #2: I use my mirrors as tools. In the brief moments I spend looking in the mirror each day, I answer the above questions, do my best to make the necessary corrections, and then get a move on with my day (well, assuming I can actually move that day!). My body focus is much more about function than appearance; I’ve learned that focusing on one’s appearance is a luxury reserved for those who can take their fully-abled body for granted. I don’t know anyone who, in the middle of a hideous migraine, could give two shits about what their hair looks like or if they have a pimple; they just want it to stop. Pain is more motivating than vanity. This is why most of the time I spend looking in the mirror is during physical therapy. There, I have a job to do. I need to work on getting better and reducing my pain. During therapy, the only comparisons I make are to myself. Finding improvement in my body’s function, rather than appearance, is what makes me feel most beautiful and happy.

Reality #3: I get stared at by other people. A lot. Even though I’m disabled, I often don’t look it. Oh sure, I have those craptastic days, when I’m half limping and my head is completely tilted. (Cue sympathetic stares and pushy questions like, “What’s WRONG with you?”) But usually, if I’m feeling that bad, I just stay home. But on most days, even though my body has severe limitations, I probably don’t look like most people’s stereotype of a “disabled person.” And so I hear comments, generally angry, suspicious, or just plain puzzled. (i.e., “You know this parking is for the disabled, right?!,” “Hummphh, why can’t she just pack her grocery bags herself? I’m in a hurry!”) Traveling via airport is my own personal hell but I’ll leave those entertaining stories for another day (call me and I’ll tell all over a pitcher of gluten-free beer!).

Getting back to my point, I’ve realized that no matter what I do, people will always find something off/wrong/whatever about the mismatch between my “normal” appearance and my limited abilities. So, why should I waste my time and energy staring at myself and worrying about what others see? Here’s the kicker though: the limitations of my body allow me the privilege of seeing exactly how wasteful appearance obsessions are, not just for people like me, but for everyone.

I know I’ve got better things to do, and I suspect that you do too.

Guilty as charged:
I love it when Liz drives because we can almost always find a parking spot!

And let’s face it, the only opinions that should really matter to us are those of our true friends and loved ones. My friends LOVE riding along in my car for the “rockstar treatment” (aka disabled parking spots) and they also don’t mind that I carry a back cushion with me wherever we go, including fancy-schmancy restaurants. They, and my husband, love me whether it’s a good day or a bad day and whether I’m rocking no makeup, a lumpy ponytail, and practical shoes, or if I’m done up to the nines. I am loved for my inner beauty and that feels amazing even on my worst days.

So, what do you think? Is vanity a luxury? How has your body's dis/abilities shaped the way you feel about your looks?

See my Story on ABC's 20/20, THIS WEDNESDAY NIGHT!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Kjerstin Gruys) — Mon, 13 Aug 2012 23:37:00 +0000

Exciting Announcement! THIS WEDNESDAY NIGHT (August 15th), ABC's 20/20 will be featuring a story about my no-mirrors experiment! I'm nervous and excited.

So far it sounds like the theme of the show will be "Obsessions," with my story as an example of conquering an obsession. I'll keep you all posted as I learn more.

10 Steps To Positive Body Image

noreply@blogger.com (Kjerstin Gruys) — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 23:19:00 +0000

The list below was compiled from the National Eating Disorder Association. I love all of the suggestions, and hope you'll try at least a few!

FYI, If you like #2, you should gather a group of friends and try my "Best Body Positive Group Activity Ever" version. Also, for help developing your "critical viewer of social and media messages" skills (#8), check out About-Face, my all-time favorite body-positive nonprofit organization.

What I REALy think of REAL Beauty

noreply@blogger.com (Kjerstin Gruys) — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 00:53:00 +0000

Below are some images you may recognize, along with my responses to them, in pictures. I just joined Pinterest so I'm all about the visuals these days!

#1: Dove's concept of "Real Beauty"

Image found here.

My response:

Image found here.

#2: An image circulating the web at this very moment.

Image found here.

My Response:

Image found here.

If you like what you're seeing, check out my new

Body Positivity Images folder @ www.pinterest.com/kjerstingruys/body-positivity. I'm collecting body-positive images and messages that inclusively celebrate the variety of bodies out there. I'd love help gathering more amazing and inspiring images for my growing collection!

It's A Beautiful Day at ModCloth! (Plus: The Top 6 Ways Fashion Insiders Can Use Their Power for Good Instead of Evil!)

noreply@blogger.com (Kjerstin Gruys) — Sun, 29 Jul 2012 02:30:00 +0000

On July 28th I had the amazing experience of giving an About-Face workshop to a group of aspiring fashionistas attending "ModAcademy" at the ModCloth headquarters in San Francisco. The topic of my presentation was "Fashion Insiders: How to Use Your Powers For Good Instead of Evil." It was a lively and colorful bunch, and I was so inspired by their passion for creating fashion that helps women feel beautiful and confident.

Here are my "6 Tips for burgeoning fashionistas who want to use their powers for good instead of evil!"

1) First, be thankful. YOU are in the business of making people feel fantastic about themselves!

2) Remember that customers come in all shapes and sizes. If the clothes don’t fit, it’s your fault, not theirs.

3) Use body-positive language while you do your job. Unlike our economy, it trickles down into the designs, trust me.

4) Use a variety of body types in marketing.

5) Send photo-shoot samples in many sizes, not just itty-bitty. (Size 12+ fashion editors will love you!)

6) Research styles and cuts that flatter many figures, and incorporate a variety in every season.

Did I leave anything out? What do YOU want fashion insiders to know?