Miscellaneous Mom

My Guilt is Your Guilt (In other words, I will not go on the field trip)

FairyTaleMom — Thu, 24 May 2012 13:10:54 +0000

Mom guilt plagues us all. It doesn’t matter if you’re a stay at home mom, a work at home mom or a working mom, we all feel it. At some point, we have all carried the heavy yolk of guilt accross our shoulders about something we missed, didn’t share, didn’t buy, or any myriad of other things we “failed” to do for our children.

This week, mom guilt has been smacking me in the face all day every day. As if it weren’t enough that I carry all 2,000 pounds of my mom guilt to and from work with me every day, this week it’s extra large, and I must have ordered mine with a side of work guilt.

The princess has all of the end of year activities, and I realized that I have made it to scant few of them this year. With choir concerts and dance recitals and school musicals all on the horizon, my work schedule is getting a little lighter than the company would prefer. (I work for a big company that has very defined hours.) When my boss calls, I’m usually thinking about something that I didn’t do at home. And, when I’m home, I’m usually thinking about a customer that I forgot to call back or a conference call that I have in the morning or any number of other things that keep my mind from staying in the moment with my family.

This week has been especially bad. I couldn’t resolve an important customer issue in the same day that I declined my daughter’s request to chaperone the big field trip. (By “request” I actually mean daily begging and pleading in a tone that makes me feel really bad about saying no.)

There is never a day that it all just stops and the guilt subsides. I’m always slighting someone, somewhere. For those of you who will remind me that “family comes first” and I should dedicate myself to the rearing of my child as the most important activity, I want you to know that I agree. Raising my child is the most important thing to me.

That is why I go to work.

I have to work so that she can have food and clothes and dance shoes and shiny costumes for me to carry around. I am a single mom. That does not mean, however, that I deserve extra guilt or extra pity. It just means that I really HAVE to work. There is no prince charming that provides for my family. I’ll accept no judgement on my need to provide for my family, and in exchange, I’ll concede that even stay at home moms feel the guilt of missing something.

The stay at home parent guilt comes in a few special forms, too. There is the “I feel bad that I miss adult conversation” guilt and there is the “I wish my spouse could see this moment right now” guilt that they carry every day. We all have an albatross, we all carry the yolk.

The moments that I am stealing to write these words are coming from the bank of the princess right now. She is happily reading, but I have no idea what homework lies ahead of us this evening. (Cue the guilt now, please.) This one brief, self indulgence is a necessary step in renewing my soul so that I have more of myself to dole out tomorrow.

Besides, I’ll need the energy to carry around the 2,000 pound guilt weight that I pick up as I head out the door in the morning.

Lessons From my Grandfather

FairyTaleMom — Tue, 22 May 2012 13:24:48 +0000

I won’t pretend that I knew him well; what I know of my Grandfather I know from stories. He did live into my adulthood, but we were never close, much to my regret. Recently my Mother relayed one of his teachings: “You always make time to visit the sick and bury the dead”. I always considered him to be a somber man. But, I wonder if he just forgot to to pass on a lesson of celebration.

I’m sure that he meant to tell us to celebrate the joy of life and the triumph of another year and the bond of friendship and love that keep us all going. Maybe with gardens to tend, children to raise and work to be done, he ran out of time to celebrate the beautiful moments that make life worth living. Or, maybe he celebrated quietly that he raised 7 children to healthy adulthood. Or, maybe he was too tired, by the time I was born to his 6th child, to celebrate any more.

What I do know, is that I will make time to welcome new babies into the world with my friends. And, I will celebrate finger painting with my children. I will celebrate a common ground with my brother.

From all of this celebrating, I hope to teach my daughter to value what is truly irreplaceable in this world. The lesson for her is to love mightily and fiercely. To cherish the beautiful moments of companionship, compassion and camaraderie that are shared between people. At the end of this day, at the end of this life, we will never regret the time spent with those we hold dear.

When Her Heart Breaks

FairyTaleMom — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 13:30:28 +0000

Here in Fairytale Land we’ve had a few heartbreaking days, consecutively. For the past 2 days the princess has come home from school crying and feeling defeated. Nothing prepared me for the heartbreak that I would feel by not being able to make it all better.

I remember middle school being really rough for me. I was unsure about my body. I was uncomfortable being smart, but hated being less than smart. I failed tests on purpose. I placed too much value on what other people thought and said about me. My self esteem was lower than slime on the bottom of a pond rock. And, I never said a word to anyone about it.

I opted, instead, to make really bad choices…

So, now I’m looking at my beautiful 10 year old girl thinking that I’ve never seen anything more amazing in all of my days, and she is feeling defeated, alone and self conscious. I know all of those feelings all too well. I know the pain of imaginary inadequacy. I know the heartbreak of not feeling like I fit in. What I do not know, is how to explain to the most amazing girl I know, that it all gets better.

I feel her heartbreak amplified a hundred times. When I felt these things it was bad, but watching it happen to my girl is more than I can bear.

This mom fail is bigger than anything I know how to fix or manage. I failed her somehow by not addressing my own past. It turns out that the sins of the mother are the sins of her daughter..

This post is linked up to Pour Your Heart Out.

The One Where I Break Her Heart – Again and Again

Yesterday, She Was a Baby

justheather — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 01:58:51 +0000

My cousin and his wife had their first baby earlier this week. She is impossibly beautiful, incredibly tiny, and totally sweet. It’s exciting to watch them begin their parenting journey.

15 years ago, I was pregnant with my own first child. She was impossibly beautiful, not so tiny, and totally sweet. Today, she’s still impossibly beautiful, no where near tiny, and, well, not so sweet. Teenagers are like that.

No one mentions that at the baby shower. None of the unsolicited parenting advice you get when you’re pregnant covers mouthy teens. Or, sassy tweens. Or, even whiny preschoolers.

I just never thought past the baby.

Every time I was pregnant, I pictured a tiny baby. Who would one day grow into a sweet toddler. And, that’s as far as my imagination took me.

I never thought about where I would be now—35 years old, married nearly 15 years, with a kid who’s headed to high school in a few months. I remember thinking about diapers and feeding the baby. Cribs and blankets. Maybe even potty training. You know, forever down the road.

I didn’t think about Barbies and packing lunches. Bunk beds and slumber parties. I certainly never considered what it would be like to teach a kid to tie her shoes.

I never imagined showing a tween how to fix her hair. I never pictured having a teen on Facebook. Or, helping her file a police report after an attempted purse snatching. (Yeah, that happened!)

It makes each new stage a constant surprise. The first day of school. The first spelling test. The first tween holiday wishlist with no toys. The first time a teen asks to go to the mall with her friends—without you. In just 3 weeks, I’ll be taking her downtown for her high school entrance exams.

High school. High. School.

But, now I can finally start to anticipate. I remember being a teen. For the first time since toddlerhood, I kinda know what’s coming. And, I’m totally not a fan.

The first boyfriend. The first school dance. Driver’s Ed. Prom night. Graduation.

Letting go.

This post is linked up to Pour Your Heart Out with my friend Shell.

The Talk 2.0

justheather — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 19:40:31 +0000

Last week, during Jon Acuff’s Blissdom keynote, he said something that really struck me. Parents have been having The Talk — birds & the bees — with kids for years, but we’re the first generation who has to have a digital footprint talk. And, that is a true story.

When the teen first got on Facebook, we had a conversation with her on dos & don’ts. We covered cyberbullying. We covered inappropriate behavior. We covered deleting posts & internet caching (Google never forgets!). And, we covered our own (newly created) digital rules—she has to be friends with us so we can keep an eye on things, we get all her passwords, and if she ever changes them, the account is gone completely.

We decided it was time to have the talk again. We covered all the same stuff, but this time—after a year of experience behind her—she was more able to participate in the discussion. We talked about passive-aggressive status updates. We talked about sexting. We talked about private messages not always staying private. We talked about photos, videos, and how once you put them out there? You can’t take them back.

I learned that she gets it, but she had questions. The biggest was about vague updates—why is it wrong, if no one knows who it’s about? Well, because someone will know. We had to make it clear to her that anything she puts online can be shared by her 100 friends who can share it with their 100 friends who can share it with their 100 friends. (“Okay, okay, I get it Mom!”)

I don’t think kids really get that even if they delete a status or a photo, it doesn’t mean someone else didn’t already copy/paste it, share it or take a screenshot. As soon as you publish it, it’s just out there. Forever. I’m thankful to Jon Acuff (and a recent incident in one of the hubby’s online communities) for the reminder to discuss it again and make it clearer to our teen.

It’s definitely a whole new world for these kids. Have you had the digital talk yet?

Pressing the Reset Button on Chores (A GoalForIt.com Review)

justheather — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 03:01:37 +0000

This year, we’re making an effort to change some habits around here. I planned a few weeks of fast, easy meals so the hubby and I could focus on helping the girls complete their daily chores.

We have a new evening schedule and an online chore chart that I am hoping finally works around here. Because the old system just wasn’t working.

Sending the girls off to “do their chores” usually just resulted in fighting kids, messier rooms, and frustrated parents. So, the hubby and I have reworked our daily schedule to spend some time making sure the girls are actually doing what they’re supposed to. Basically, we’re body blocking the girls back into their rooms until the job gets done.

We’re keeping it simple at first. Instead of making the girls clean their rooms, which are completely trashed, we’ve given them bite-sized assignments. Yesterday, I had them go through the entire upstairs, searching for trash, before they could play outside. Today’s job was to move all the toys from the bedroom, to the toy room where they belong. My hope is that by adding one activity each day, the girls will be building more lasting habits.

From there, we’ll be able to create a daily checklist. The girls can even choose their own background & colors, to personalize the chart. I may even make a chart or two of my own — in addition to chores, there are to-do list, lifestyle goals, and healthy habit options. Goal For It will even help you track your progress. Perhaps if the girls see me working on my own list, they’ll be more inclined to play along.

I hope.

I really do think the consistency of doing the same thing, every night with a little supervision & guidance from us is exactly what we need. Plus, Goal For It includes behaviors and habits we want the girls to develop, in addition to the chores. For example, we can add No Whining to the list and give the girls credit for a good, whine-free day.

Not to be confused with wine-free days, which are few & far between, what with all the whiny kids.

This post is sponsored by GoalForIt.com through BSM Media, but the opinion (and my girls utter lack of regard for chores) is 100% mine.

Raising Geeks: A Who Comics Review

justheather — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 03:50:31 +0000

Thank you to who?Comics for sponsoring this post and encouraging my child to read biographies in comic book form! Please click here to learn more about the app. And follow who? Comics on Twitter for updates!

What happens when a bookworm marries a computer geek?

Their kids don’t stand a chance.

The teen is an avid reader. The tween is wicked into geography. The kindergartner cannot stop talking about school and is genuinely bummed when it’s a no school day. Sure, they love Dr. Who more than Victorious.

They put together map puzzles for fun. They choose reading over games. And, I wouldn’t change it for the world. If we can create lifelong learners, I think our work here is done. I’ll take the rest of the geekiness right along with it.

That’s why the Who? Comics app was such a big draw for us. Reading, electronics and education all in one tidy package? Yeah, that’s right up our alley. We installed the app on the hubby’s iPad, and I couldn’t wait to share it with the tween. Who? Comics makes biographies fun for kids. Not that my girl needed them dressed up much. This kid reads biographies for fun. In the summertime.

Comics are $4.99 each or $9.99 for a themed 6-pack. Brenia chose the Artist/Entertainer pack—she was super excited to read about J.K. Rowling, Van Gogh and Beethoven. She blew through the comics in an afternoon. I’ve never seen her read so quickly. Having the biography in bite-sized nuggets helped her quickly digest the information she craved.

We actually used phonics comic books with Brenia when she was first learning to read. They’re a fun, simple way to engage kids and get information across. She loved learning about how J.K. Rowling created the Harry Potter series. Her life story is told in comic book form, and while the dialogue is contrived, it’s an interesting way for kids to learn.

She also read about Vincent Van Gogh and has the Beethoven biography on her bookshelf. She’s also asked to purchase Walt Disney. Since they share a birthday, he’s always been a favorite of hers. Brenia is can’t wait to read more, so she can earn more Who? badges. Oh, yes. There are badges you can earn for your reading activity.

It just adds to the fun for our little iPad geek.

Thank you again to who? Comics for sponsoring my post. Please click here to learn more about the app. Visit who? Comics for updates. I was selected for this opportunity by the Clever Girls Collective. All opinions expressed here are my own.

On Making Lunch Fun Again (Pepperidge Farm Bread Review)

FairyTaleMom — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 17:06:51 +0000

Lunch with Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Bread

It hadn’t occurred to me that before I even wrote this post that someone would be influenced by what I had to say about a new product. Let alone be excited enough to call me just to tell me about buying it the night before – AND tell me about how her kids reacted.

I’ve written about cars and cleaning products and all kinds of new things that I’ve tried. I’m shocked that the one thing that generated excitement, out loud, was….. a sandwich.

Yep, it was bread that my friend called me about in the middle of the day. She called with the lone purpose of telling me about how her 3 children, of varying ages reacted to a new bread she bought for packing sandwiches in their lunches.

The start of all of this was a few months ago when the wonderful people at Pepperidge Farm asked if I would like to try their new Goldfish Sandwich Bread. (Of course I did, all of the Pepperidge Farm stuff is awesome!) The Princess and I both loved it – and it actually made the dreaded lunch packing task tolerable. (It just makes a difference when your bread is smiling at you.)

At a moment when I was growing tired of the usual lunches, this little smile in her lunch box made it a little more interesting and, while not enjoyable, certainly tolerable to pack lunches.

To top it all off, the stuff is pretty good for you. It’s thin, so at only 120 calories per fish shaped bread, I may have enjoyed some in my lunch too. Which is how Tammi was introduced to my sandwich (I may or may not have been singing about my lunch smiling back at me at the time – She promised never to talk about it.)

If you were wondering, her oldest, a 14 year old boy did not appreciate the smiling bread as much as her other 2 kids, both girls ages 10 and 12.

I did receive a package of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Sandwich Bread for writing this post, but the opinions are all original. And all stories about my friend Tammi are true.

Top 10 Reasons NOT to Get a Dog

justheather — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 13:49:29 +0000

When Indy began deteriorating, I said I was never getting another dog. It was just so hard. I still miss him. I still think I hear his click clack on the hardwood floors. I still check the back door to see if he’s ready to come back in. And, I still tear up when I realize he’s not going to be there ever again.

But, I saw this pin. And, the next thing you know, we’re calling the pet rescue. Yet, I still couldn’t quite convince myself it was happening. I had a list, you see. A list of reasons why I didn’t want another dog. EVER.

They get in you, and it’s so hard to let go. They follow us around & travel with us, in a way our cats just don’t. Not that it’s easy to lose a cat. I just think it’s harder to lose a dog.
Pee. OMG—I just can’t handle puppy piddle. No. Just no.
Poop. Backyard land mines? Not a fan.
Dog drool. Dog drool! Need I say more?
Dog food smells. Worse than cat food. (True story.)
They shed. Oh, how they shed. Of course, our cats already shed, so maybe that one’s not a biggie. Don’t worry—I have more!
Rain. Also? Snow, but we’ll just count it as one. Wet dog might possibly the worst smell on the planet.
Holes. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve twisted my ankle in a hole a dog has dug.
Boarding. Who takes care of the dog when you leave? It’s so expensive to board dogs and nearly impossible to convince friends & family to take care of them for you. A cat will get buy for weeks with a clean litter box, food and water. Dogs are so needy.
Seriously needy—there’s also food (smelly food), water, exercise, toys, treats, a bed. A bed. Why can’t dogs just sleep on the floor anymore?

And, it’s all well & good, except for one thing. Just one, teeny, tiny reason why one might want to get a dog:

Meet Sunny. She needed a forever home. We happened to have one without a dog.

She comes home tonight. And, we’re keeping her. But, not the name. That’s just got to go.

The One Where I Found My Wicked Stepmother Wart

FairyTaleMom — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 23:03:20 +0000

I find myself sympathizing with Cinderella’s wicked stepmother these days. Not in the “prevent the child from going to the ball” kind of way. But in the “how much more can I give with no thanks or appreciation” kind of way.

The princess and I are now living with NBF. Things are going well. She has adjusted to her new school, made friends and even the honor roll. We have a busy, yet predictable, routine. And every other weekend the other 3 children come to visit, making our family whole for only a few days a month. I do believe that having them here, home, is the only time that we are a whole group.

I also believe that it’s the most challenging 4 days of the month for me.

At their last visit, I really felt like an ATM. It was like the only thing that Her Highness had to say was “I need this” or “I want that” or “Why does the Princess get that and I don’t”. It really started to wear on my nerves. I found myself saying no just because someone opened their mouth to speak.

I really didn’t like this version of myself. I also don’t like feeling like my only purpose is the servitude of the ungrateful demands of the children. I need to find the balance between the “requests” of the kids and the place where I come to an understanding about the fact that it is exaggerated because they do only come home for a few days a month.

Just to be clear, I understand that this is a Fairytale Mom issue and not something the children have done wrong. And, I’ll repeat, I do love those kids and want nothing but the best for them. I’ll take my Wicked Stepmother wart when making these admissions. I get that I’m being a bit unreasonable.

I need some help getting to my happy place when Fairytale Land is full of kids.

Why is This One Always Sick?