Miss Grace's Disgrace

Safety Nets

2012-02-04T00:23:00.000-08:00

Five years ago, I was deeply unhappy, traumatized, lost, unemployed and unable to find a job, an overwhelmed mother to a difficult one-year-old, one half of an emotionally abusive party of two, and stuck.

Sometimes, you want to leave.

Sometimes, you want to make your life better.

Sometimes, you don't know how.

It took all the courage I had to go into the county services office and apply for help.

It is a horrible and degrading experience. I was spoken to like I didn't know how to read, treated like a child, begrudgingly pushed forward in the endless line of perceived fuck-ups.

Because I took a deep breath and started sleeping on a friend's couch instead of my own bed, I was able to qualify for the services that allowed me to leave.

Four years and ten months ago, I got my first welfare check. I worked. I worked and I worked and when I didn't work I looked for work but where I lived work was hard to come by, and it was even harder for me. I was overqualified for the jobs I could get and underexperienced for the jobs I could qualify for.
The state paid my childcare bill.
Foodstamps fed me and my son.
Medi-Cal covered our healthcare costs.
We didn't go to the dentist.

I had a graduate degree.
I had always worked.
I had never been poor.
This couldn't be my life.
This was my life.

Ask me if there's pride in that.
Ask me if that's where I wanted to be.

I did everything I was supposed to and everything I could.

I moved to be closer to my family, to shift the burden of my needs. Of my son's needs.

I worked.
I worked and worked and worked.
And to an extent, it worked.
I worked myself off cash aid and food stamps and healthcare and (almost) everything.

Until December of 2010, I was still a CalWorks Stage 3 recipient. My childcare remained subsidized. I made $15/hour and childcare? Childcare is expensive.

Ask me if that's what I wanted.

In the Fall of 2010, in the midst of a(nother) California budget crisis, my childcare subsidies were cut.
I was one of the named parties in a class action lawsuit against the state of California.
I volunteered.
Without that help, I couldn't pay my childcare bills.
Without childcare, I couldn't work.
Without work, I was back to the beginning.
You know what?
The government pays for the beginning.

Trapped in a circle and always swimming and never winning.

I asked the lawyer for the case, "Am I the right person? I don't feel like I'm the right person. I have a steady job. I'm employed by the government! I have a graduate degree."

"Everyone on this program is the right person. People need to understand that this can just happen and it can happen to anyone and bad things happen to good people and you jump through all the hoops and sometimes you still need help."

Five years ago, I got my first welfare check.

This year, I sit for the CPA exam.

I'm not the exception.

I'm not the rule.

No one WANTS to need that safety net.

But god, what if it wasn't there?

I'm not an exception.

But I've been there, and there sucks.

I'm so grateful for the help I had.

Gabriel, Six

2012-01-26T06:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Gabriel,

It's your sixth birthday! I know every parent everywhere wonders at this, but how did you get so big, so fast?

I can't believe all the new things that happened this year.

You learned how to ride a bike.

You lost your first (and second, and third) tooth.

You started kindergarten.

You had your first Little League season.

You started to read.

You spent your first summer at your dad's.

You went to Disneyland.

Add to that our two moves and the way I totally spun our lives upside down and backwards by going back to school.

You've handled it all so well.

You're this incredibly smart, radiant person.

You think things through carefully.

You are a delight.

I can't wait to see what six is like.

I love you,

Have the best day.

Whiny Winey Monday

2012-01-23T21:48:00.000-08:00

Daniel

2012-01-21T09:16:00.000-08:00

My brother Daniel is 15 today.

He's pretty great.

I think it's time for cake soon.

2012 Resolution Remix

2012-01-01T19:21:00.000-08:00

For 2012, I'm re-resolving my 2008 resolutions.

I seem to have lost sight of what matters.

Have more sex.
Make morally unambiguous choices.

My feelings about moral ambiguity are as before. Try not to do the wrong thing, obviously, but when I do, I like to know what I'm doing and own it.

Photo Challenge Day 11: Something Blue

2011-12-30T16:02:00.001-08:00

2011

2011-12-30T10:08:00.000-08:00

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
This year Gabriel spent a huge chunk of summer at his dad's, so I went the longest amount of time ever without seeing him.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
The only concrete resolution I had this year was to finish my tattoo, and I didn't, so no. I might make some, haven't decided yet.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Everyone had babies this year, it seems like.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, but a lot of people I know died.

5. What countries did you visit?
No countries. I haven't been out of the country since before I had Gabriel. SADFACE.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Money, time.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
My brother got married on July 2.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Grad school, definitely.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I've totally abandoned all exercise routine, and have been feeling pretty bad about myself, looks-wise.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing especially comes to mind, but I'm sure I had some ear infections or something.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
MacBook Pro.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Gabriel's awesome, per usual. My friends and family have all been wonderfully supportive of my life even though I've turned into a flaky recluse who isn't any fun.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
ExBF. Aubrey Huff. The awful temp I had to train to replace me at my old job. Maybe some other people but I think they read my internet.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Living expenses. Text books.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Grad school, birthday, job acquisition, skittles vodka, weddings, babies.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Something by Justin Bieber, since this is the year my son became a fan.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? About the same.
b) thinner or fatter? I feel fatter, not sure if that's true.
c) richer or poorer? Much poorer, but with prospects of becoming much richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercising, knitting, photography, art, sleep, sex.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
School, driving.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
At my parents' house. None of the kids freaked out or had meltdowns, so it was pretty successful.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
Nah.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Always Sunny.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I don't hate anyone, but there are people that I don't care to speak to anymore.

24. What was the best book you read?
I read a bunch of good YA this year, including: Forest of Hands and Teeth, Birthmarked, The Daughter of Smoke and Bone, Enclave.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I don't think I made one. I need new music, whatcha got for me?

26. What did you want and get?
I got into grad school, I got a post-graduation job offer, I got the internship I wanted, I got a new computer, I have a yard now.

27. What did you want and not get?
When I really, really want something, I make a point of getting it, I'm stubborn like that. But I would have liked to travel more, and I wish I'd seen more of my friends.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Horrible Bosses.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Went out in SF night before, day of hung out with my family. I turned 29.

30. What is one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Sleep.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Spent a lot of the year trying (and possibly/probably failing) to look professional. When I didn't have to do that, I alternated between 'starving student' and 'little girl dresses self for first time.'

32. What kept you sane?
Wine. No, seriously.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Chris O'Dowd.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Sports pedophiles, SOPA, limiting access to birth control.

35. Who did you miss?
Molly, Ben, everyone I didn't see when I didn't go to BlogHer, all my friends who live entirely too far away for my liking.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Krystal, who is my grad school friend (see! I made a new friend!)

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
My beliefs are important.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Run around just so I don't have to think about thinking.
--
2010
Apparently I skipped 2009
2008

Some Things I Bought

2011-12-29T22:47:00.000-08:00

Poised Pleats Dress

Elizabeth Dot Tie-Neck Blouse

Stuart Weitzman Women's Naughty Pump

Photo Challenge Day 10: Childhood Memory

2011-12-29T14:22:00.000-08:00

My grandmother was involved with the California Missions Foundation. She helped with Fiesta every year, and we spent a lot of time running around there. We also spent a lot of time learning about mistreatment of the Ohlone, so no need to chastise me for being fond of missions.

This was hers, and when she died, my mom gave it to me. I also have two more (Santa Barbara, San Luis Obispo). In fourth grade when we studied the Missions, we each made a model mission, and I made mine with clay on a tile, after this one. My mom has it somewhere.

Photo Challenge Day 9: Someone You Love

2011-12-28T19:31:00.000-08:00

Photo Challenge Days 5-8

2011-12-27T11:54:00.000-08:00

Day 5: From a high angle

Day 6: from a low angle

Day 7: Fruit

Day 8: A bad habit

Photo Challenge Day 4: Something Green

2011-12-24T09:00:00.000-08:00

Photo Challenge Day 3: Clouds

2011-12-22T14:50:00.001-08:00

There was hardly a cloud in the sky today.

Photo Challenge Day 2: What You Wore

2011-12-21T18:54:00.001-08:00

Photo Challenge Day 1: Self Portrait

2011-12-20T19:36:00.001-08:00

30 Day Photography Challenge

2011-12-20T19:35:00.000-08:00

Here's a thing I decided to do, because a bunch of my friends are, and Megan's good at organizing stuff.

Who knows, maybe I'll start blogging regularly again?

A girl can dream.

Getting Served With My Favorite People

2011-12-12T09:33:00.000-08:00

This post is sponsored by Serve from American Express. Sign up for Serve and receive $10 credit towards your first use. Comment below within the next 7 days for your chance to win an extra $100 credit to your account!
--
This past weekend I was given the opportunity to try out Serve from American Express. Serve is a digital payments platform that allows you to send and receive money. If you're out and splitting the bill, or you owe money for a cab, this is a new way to settle up with friends instantly via email or mobile device, cutting the awkwardness of owing friends money or chasing them down for what they owe you.

Set up of my Serve account was quick and easy. Because of the financial nature of the service, you do have to provide some personal information, as with other forms of payment.

Planning this out, I thought to myself, "Self, what is the best way to test the features of this service?"
And then my self answered back, "Jenny, you should take your friends out and see what happens."

Friday night I met up with some of my favorite people on Earth: Julia, Amber, Cody and Daniel. That's a friend from elementary school, a friend from junior high, a friend from college, and a friend from grad school, in case you were curious.

We met at Cody's bar, where he bought us a round of drinks. We decided not to worry about money until the end of the night, at which point we would figure out who spent what and go from there.

This picture represents everything you need to know about me and Julia.

Cody and I are playing the part of Mariah Carey giving The Biebs creepy sex face in their new music video. Mariah Carey is 41, and Justin Bieber is 17. Do you know how old I'll be when Gabriel is 17? I'll be 41. That's A CREEPY WAY TO LOOK AT A LITTLE BOY. You can watch the music video if you want, but I must warn you: it's creepy.

Daniel is tall enough that we don't know how to take a picture with him.

Amber drinks cheap beer even when I try to buy her a drink, but she keeps her pinkies out, for she is a classy lady.

Serve comes with a debit card linked to your account, which is nifty. You can use your Serve card anywhere American Express is accepted, just like a credit card. I used mine to buy snacks at a corner store.
It was easy, and chips are delicious.

So is Cody.
At the end of the night, back at Cody's house, inhaling homemade nachos, I decided to pull out my phone and pay everyone back for drinks, bacon wrapped hotdogs, and late night snacks.
It was really easy. Through the Serve mobile app, I reimbursed everyone for their varying expendatures. You have to verify transactions by PIN, which adds a measure of comfort and security to sending money by phone.
We were all squared away before we went home for the night to sleep and sleep and sleep.

I thought this service was completely simple and intuitive to use. I was comforted by the fact that Serve is run by American Express, a trusted financial institution.
If a system of paying people or paying people back through email or mobile is something that interests you, you get $10 just for trying it (sign up here). Additionally, once you're signed up, you can get up to $50 for referring your friends to the service. And! As per my note at the end of this post, by signing up for a Serve.com account and commenting here that you did so, you will be entered to win a $100 credit from your account.
You really have nothing to lose.
Admit it, you want to go out with me, don't you?

You can learn more about Serve on Facebook and Twitter.
--
Remember to sign up for Serve and receive $10 credit towards your first use. Comment below within the next 7 days for your chance to win an extra $100 credit to your account! Official sweepstakes rules and regulations may be found by clicking here. I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective, which endorses Blog With Integrity, as I do.

And now none of us know how to say it

2011-12-10T10:57:00.000-08:00

Michael Jackson Medley?

2011-12-03T11:56:00.000-08:00

Gabriel has been standing behind me on my chair all morning. Singing.

My life as a lunatic space cadet misplacer of things.

2011-11-29T19:39:00.000-08:00

Pick Gabriel and Elliot up from school.
After Elliot is retrieved by sister, do TINY amount of work.
Gather things to take Gabey to the park, which is a 5-10 minute walk from house, depending on pace or whatever.
My things for the park, if you are wondering, include my book, phone and keys.
Why do I love the park?
Because at the park, I can read for pleasure without being pestered OR feeling guilty that I'm not doing something else.
An hour into my zombie book, realize the sun is setting, start to mosey on home.
About 40 seconds from home, start to fumble for my keys, and realize that I definitely DON'T have them.
Panicked walk back to the park at breakneck fear-induced speed.
Panicked hunt for keys in the semi-dark, with an ever growing group of skeezy park-at-dusk spectators (mostly hoodlemish teenagers, peppered with some bums).
Panicked walk back to my house, searching the ground along the way in case I somehow dropped them.
Confirmation that all my doors are locked.
Attempt to peer into my window and see if my keys are somehow on the key hook that I never use (please be on the key hook please be on the key hook).
Cannot see hook from window.
Luckily, I have my phone.
Call my mom, who is on a walk.
Send my 14yo brother after her on his bike to convey the severity of the situation.
In what is now full darkness, sink into Defeat Slump on the front steps.
Mope about inability to drive somewhere, or even walk somewhere for dinner while this situation resolves itself.
Curse self for never bringing wallet anywhere.
Or keys!
Sister calls, she was on walk with mom.
She wants confirmation that I really don't have my keys.
Confirmed.
She is on her way.
It is a 40 minute drive.
With help on the way, sit Gabriel on my lap and take turns playing Angry Birds.
Thank god for my phone.
Get into house with sister's arrival.

KEYS.
ON.
KEY.
HOOK.

Resolve to be less forgetful.

Thankful, 2011

2011-11-23T22:27:00.000-08:00

Dad, Duncan, Mom

Daniel, Laura, James, Duncan, me.

Camille

Caleb

Elliot

Simon

Gabriel

This was my quiet year.
I'm thankful for my family.
I'm thankful for opportunity.
I'm thankful for my life.

Awk.Ward.

2011-11-23T09:38:00.000-08:00

So, yesterday.
Yesterday I accidentally recorded myself all morning.
Edited for lapses of time when I'm not there, etc.
Here's me, and all the scrunchy faces I make when I'm staring at my computer.
Music choices are lyrically NSFW.

My Ass Goes Shopping: Jeans

2011-11-20T17:36:00.000-08:00

I have a big ass.
While I'm by no means on par with Julia, my butt is bigger than your average white girl's, especially when you consider ass:waist ratios.
Jeans are difficult to buy.
While I also have inseam issues (real quick: I have short legs, pants go flowing on for miles after my legs have ended), I find those can mostly be solved with a little thing I like to call hemming.
My ass cannot be hemmed.
There are two camps of jeans rise: lower, and higher.
Both are fraught with danger.

Low rise pants in the appropriate size typically look okay from the front, if viewed from a standing position, in a skinny mirror, with all muffin top minimizing measures in place.

The danger lies in the back view. Pants end, and the ass is still trucking merrily along up my back. As they do.

The problems with lower rise jeans mean that I don't usually go down that path. I stick to the mid-high rise categories. This puts me danger of Mom Jeans, but I'm hopeful that I've so far managed to avoid that fate.

Hey look, these are my size.

BUAHAHA JUST KIDDING SUCKER! Feel the frosty air on your lower back! SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!

So what does it all mean, really?
It means that I own SEVERAL pairs of jeans designed by renowned fashion houses.
*ahem* Nelly *cough*
--
Jeans recommendations, anyone?

Horrifying Nightmare Things

2011-11-14T09:35:00.000-08:00

A couple months ago, my mom stopped by my house because she was in town. I was doing schoolwork, so my she offered to take Gabriel with her while she went downtown and ran a couple errands. This was great, as it allowed me to get some work done without the constant chatter of a 5-year-old.
A few hours later, Gabriel came bursting through my front door.
"Mom! Mom! Look what I grandma gave me! She said I could keep it! For myself!"
He had....this:

"I'm going to put it by my bed! Aren't I lucky??"

I stared at my mom, who had come in after.
"Don't look at me, you're the one with the child who wanted it."
"Why do you HAVE it?"
"It was under some stuff in the office"*
"....Great....it was hiding out, waiting for him."

This thing is standing by Gabriel's bed now.
So good luck getting me to check on you, ever, child.
That shit is creepy.
He loves it.
--
Last week, my mom was helping my grandma rearrange and tidy so that she could get her carpet replaced. Gabriel and I came over to help with the computer.
My grandma gave him this weird, stuffed M&M-ish thing.
Whatever.
On Friday, Gabriel declared that he was going to 'make a project'.
He cut the legs off of a pair of discarded tights.
He cut the hands off of this little round stuffed thing.
He borrowed some thread and some tape.
And PUT IT ON MY WALL.

"Don't you love it mom? I made it for you! Isn't it cute? Touch it! I want you to like it!"
I don't know what kind of monster I'm raising, but this is...this is no good.
--
*My grandpa's office is attached to a vacant retail building downtown, unoccupied since the 1989 earthquake left it yellow-tagged. My grandpa stored all kinds of weird stuff there: art, restaurant equipment, a motorcycle. My mom has slowly been clearing it out.

That's a pen...

2011-11-12T10:00:00.000-08:00

I'm really bad a pretending, apparently.