I may not have been a fantastic daughter, and have gone through my phases like many teenagers and young adults to. But I’m not a totally bad person or a totally useless daughter. But I’ve not heard my mom praise me to anyone. But I do know she complains about my short comings, or the ways in which I’ve failed her.

And it occured to me 2 nights ago (left me sleepless that night), that there’s a high chance, that it could be that everyone she knows must have a low opinion of me.

Indians have this idea that if you say how good things are going for you, then others may get jealous and cast an evil eye.

It must be on that basis, she’s never really praised me to others. But I suppose she also doesn’t realise that, that means people around her must think of her daughter as a failed product.

So here I am organising a travel trip for her and her friend, and realising, her friend must think I’m crap. While other parents share the successes of their child, my mom just pulls out all the ways in which I’ve failed her. How do I sit with that?

So I asked Dr Google, “How to manage feelings of uselessness brough on by parents” and the AI summary was plemtiful, and these are the ones I’m going to use to NOT sit that what I realised.

1. Reframe and Detach from Parental Messages: Stop Awaiting Validation: Do not wait for closure or approval from the people who caused the pain. Peace comes when you stop expecting them to change.

My mom does what she does because that’s what she knows. She’s tried her best. She’s doing what she can with her experiences. I don’t expect her to change her ways, but I’m still grateful she was in my life.

2. Set Boundaries and Create Distance: Physical distance: If living with parents, spend more time out of the house and minimise time in shared areas.

It’s not that I moved away from home because of this. But because I moved away from home, I realise, I find it increasingly hard to go back home. The distance has allowed me to grow into my own person. Form my own idealogies.

3. Actively Rebuild Self-Esteem: Make a List of Accomplishments: Document your personal successes—no matter how small—independent of your parents’ approval. Identify Your Strengths: List your good qualities and keep them handy for when you feel worthless.

I’m not the best human in the world, but I’m certainly not the worse. I’m just an average human being, getting through the years that I have to be here. In that time, I’m proud of all that I’ve achieved, even if my mom doesn’t share it with anyone else for fear that someone might cast an evil eye.

4. Build a New Support System: Form a “Chosen Family”: Connect with friends who appreciate you for who you are.

And even if I don’t, I reckon, I can get by.

So anyway…….. as hard as it was for me, 2 nights ago, realising that all her friends probably think the worst of me….. I reckon, the people who are meant to be in my life will be in my life celebrating me. And the people that aren’t, find their own people to celebrate.

Does it really matter? In the end, we are all passing through.

When we were younger, I remember being the deviant.

Walking home from primary school, I remember walking with my him to the playground instead of home, as instructed.

I remember always getting scolded for not being a good student, and he’d feel sorry for me.

I remember in secondary school, we would play obstacles courses and fortress, until we heard my dad’s bike and then we sat quietly on our study desks, pretending to study.

I remember us laughing over TN07-2345, so many times.

I remember we had a longkang we’d go to, as our secret hideout and run around freely. Think we called it the Rat Place.

I remember him in his NS uniform. I remember him graduating.

I remember when he covered for me when I was hiding in my room after a depressive break up for many yrs.

I remember his smile and laughter.

I remember him feeling proud of my achievements.

I remember that he was always there for me.

Now he has to ask for permission to see me.

Why didn’t he tell ME that he didn’t want to go ahead with it?

Clearly he didn’t feel like he could talk to me.

That’s my fault. I’ll live with that guilt for as long as he has to ask for permission to see me.

You still mean a lot to me. So wherever you may be, be well. Know that you’ll always have me around the corner, if you ever need.

Thank you for 1983 to 2019.

the effort it takes to not let these two people affect how i live my life – is a lot.

there’s still so much healing left.

man, as i get closer and closer to my birthday, my FOURTIETH!, ive been wishing more and more than I’m with people i’ve known for longer than 2 yrs. this expat life is starting to take a toll. i miss people i grew up with, did things with more consistently, than with transient friends in expat lifestyle.

40th is a momentous year, and even though im not much of a “let’s celebrate me” kind of person, i do feel like me hitting 40 is kinda special. i know i freaked out turning 29-30. and im not freaking out for 39-40. which is why i want to celebrate. alas, all the people i love are back in singapore. except rob of course. anyway, ive planned out a week of some of my fav foods from singapore. let’s see if i can make it work! plenty of things to be grateful for isnt it.

but i have to admit, this isolation from family is starting to take a toll. it might be june 2022 when i get to finally go to singapore. screw this covid. thats all i want to say.

felt like listening to Mata Jaya Om Lalitambikaye. the song had popped into my head, so went to youtube and downloaded it. it’s been a long time since i heard that song.

last week while i was running, i thought i heard 3 guys speaking in tamil. having not heard tamil here at all, i doubted myself, but was also running fast enough to reach them before i could figure out what language they were talking. i stared at them, they looked at me. and i said, “tamila” in tamil. they said yes. i stopped running. i started chatting with 3 male strangers. there were 3 of them, all from chennai, i shared my parents origin, we talked about jobs, families, etc, half a loop later, i asked for one of their numbers and we got connected. yesterday i went to 1 of the guys house for dinner. he had worked in malaysia, while his wife was a staff nurse at Lion’s aged home, and later at Mount Elizabeth day care centre for the aged. she almost got her singapore PR, but they decided to go back to India cos it wasnt good raising a child with 1 in Singapore and 1 in Malaysia. we chatted for as long as we could, cos curfew here was 8pm, meaning i had to be in the car by 740, so make sure no mishaps happened. they said there are alot of tamils here. i had told my mom that i had met these 3 strangers and she mentioned that there is some joy in meeting ppl of your ethnicity in some far away land. i agreed. this family is moving next week to a place closer to me. and the lady is going to teach me south indian dishes so that when my mom comes, she’ll be impressed with what i can cook! (except all the podi and stuff here are more north indian style, so it wont really be as authentic)

Mata Jaya Om is still playing.

my neighbour, who is actually our agent, moved into the granny flat next to ours. She is separated from her husband. when she first came to ask us whether it was ok that she move in, we were a bit hesitant. we were enjoying our privacy sitting out at the front. but we thought we should be nice. she’s been such a blessing that i feel guilty for even having had doubts abt having her share our front space. she’s an angel i tell you. she is living in a cramped place, and she still has the heart to share her food with me. it brings me to tears that a person who is sad abt her own life wants to share.

i want to give her stuff too, but im not confident with indian food. maybe this weekend i’ll make her banana bread, she can freeze it. she’s a good soul.

an acquaintance in singapore running a sustainable seafood/farm has been giving healthcare workers care package. he’s not always bubbling with money. most of the time, he seems to be making ends meet. he misses his kid. he’s got his own issues. yet he cares for others enough to bother thinking of those who have less than him. humans like this put me to shame. he walks the talk. [Shannon, if for some reason you are alerted to this link, please dont share this post]

i feel so selfish, why am i not doing more? i have money. i have money aside for my parents for when they grow old and need treatment, but why is saving money so important to me? it’s probably because i know the shits my parents came from. i know how they struggled to put me through school. my mom gave even when she didnt have much. she gave to family, she gave to friends. she gave to strangers, she even gave to people who hurt her. she gave her gold necklaces to the Aussies at our wedding so they can look good. who is as selfless as her? she makes me cry when i think of how much she gives. sure people step on her, but she’s been true to herself. she gives. she is a giver. if i can be half as good as her giving myself to the service of others, id have done her some justice.

anyway, this wasnt meant to be a sad post.

Mata Jaya Om still running on auto play… it might be the 15th round. I grew up in a Hindu household, even though my dad is an atheist. some of these childhood songs remind me of the Tues and fridays at home. those days i went with mom to potong pasir temple during the 3-430 (or was it sometime else?) to light lime vilaku. or the days i went to Vadapathira Kaliamman Temple after tamil lesson at Ummar pulavar tamil language center. or that time during nus when i became someone else, going thru a breakup i didnt manage too well. whether or not praying as an effect on future events, praying does calm me, and makes me reflect. i havent prayed in a long time.

i just want to say, i am surrounded by people, good people. sometimes that is more than what anyone can ask for. it’s ok to give. give willingly. give what you can. give to people who have less than you. make someone’s day.

“To experience kindness is to be touched by an angel – to show it, is to be one.” Thank you to all the angels, for being angels.

Just that monday, i got news that my work permit cos approved. it was a four month wait, from when i was offered the job in nov.

meanwhile, my man had got his biopsy results back saying one of his sunspots was a BCC. he was advised to remove it within 2 months.

the Aussies in Fiji were told to leave within the next 2 weeks. suddenly, they were going to leave next weekend. and then suddenly the story changed again and they were going to leave THAT weekend. that day and the days that passed, we lived from hour to hour. amidst the buzz of our friends leaving within 2 days, and flights potentially being stopped and borders closed, my man and i decided it was best that he left for Aus. Thurs late night, he bought his tickets from Suva to Nadi to Bne. We also wanted to say bye to friends. We had dinner at M’s house, and took their food products. Then drove to J’s house to say bye to J and D. they had their own issues, cos D was going back to the US, and J didnt want to leave D without making sure D was on the plane to the US. We took their plants (i’ve already killed the lemon basil and thai basil, btw). then we went to F’s house to say bye to C who was leaving the next day cos she promised her mom that as soon as a case turned up in Fiji, she’d leave.

the same night, we contacted 3 airbnbs in brisbane to see if they would house a person who needed to quarantine for 2 weeks. of course our easter dive trip to Taveuni had to be cancelled. we went to bed, unsure of what the near future would look like. it was a very very very long day.

the next morning (fri), we got positive news from the airbnb ppl in Aus. no one felt like working on the friday after the news of Fiji having the virus. we spent the time at home. dropped off some bottles for recycling. bought from dried food for him to take to aus for isolation, bought some for home here. the school called and asked me if i could come in to get some admin done. i said monday. suddenly, news came out that fijiairways had cancelled some flights. my man went to their website to find out that his nadi-bne flight was changed to nadi-syd. but there was nothing on the website to click to say acknowledged and accepted. once again, we went to bed apprehensive. he woke up in the middle of the night to call fijiair – no response.

the next morn (sat), we drove down to fiji air office, queued for 2 hrs just to confirm that he was indeed on the nadi-syd flight. he was. then got home to book syd-bne flight. informed airbnb that he’d be at their place late. all good, spent the day with each other. suddenly he got news that his syd-bne flight was pushed to a later syd-bne flight. all in all, he was going to be travelling 20hrs, on a trip that should have taken 5 hrs.

the next morn (sun), we woke up at 330am. drove to the airport. he checked in. we said our byes. he left. i drove back to Suva. entered a quiet house. looked around for a few seconds. i cant remember what else i did that day. probably just lazed. i was strong. i knew we didnt know when my man and i would meet again. we’d gone thru long distance before. we know what it is. we have confidence in our relationship. that wasn’t an issue. for him, the issue was that he was leaving me behind. for me, the issue was that i got to make sure i dont get the virus cos im here on my own.

the next morn (mon), was my first day at school. it was a buzz of confusion. i took in as much as i could. i saw some students from some classes.

tues onwards, it was e-learning. wasn’t the best of conditions to start teaching, but what the hell… i have a job.

as of today, it’s been 3 weeks since my man left. in the meantime, our car battery died one evening. thankfully F stayed with me so i wasnt alone. Cyclone Harold paid us a visit from afar. the house is fine. but the car battery died again. you know what, i am strong. but it will still be nice to have someone to hug on difficult days. and with the virus, i cant even hug friends. the Singapore MFA called last week, asking about recovery flights. that didnt happen cos Suva was on lock down.

the count as of today is 16. but they’ve only tested close contacts. some of the people have loitered shops before going to clinic. the virus is out there, for sure, there are more cases. a curfew has been imposed. 8pm onwards. no gatherings, even of 2 people. no visiting friends. mix only with people in your household – in this case, it’s me myself and i. hence the isolation.

i am very grateful for alot of things. having a nice house, nice enough view, a good neighbour, contact with fellow singaporeans. i have a job, my man has a job. we are better off than many other people in the world. I’ve tried to ease the worry of my parents, telling them that it is fairly safe here. thats true. but i also have the responsibility to stay safe, cos i cannot afford my parents worrying. im generally holding it together, but some days are a bit tough.

i must say, what an experience Fiji has been so far. i still feel unsettled. as im sure many people are.

not the nicest of things to hear.

but got to let it go….

i’ve started art. so i’m doing that now and then. but that gets done in the morning. other than that, thankfully i have internet, and im on the laptop most of the time. sure i need to do some weeding, and sure i need to do some house chores, but i can also do them later, or tomorrow.

without ‘work’ to organise your day, it’s really just a blank canvas isnt it.

whatever that work is.