Yesterday (March 6th, 2010 for those reading this later), I went with my friend Justin Dabuet to try out for Last Comic Standing (season 7) here in sunny Hollywood, CA. It was an insane, grueling 15+ hour affair. Friends of mine asked me “did you audition? how did it go?” and my answer has just been “wait for my blog post about it”. Sorry to make you read all this shit (I’m organizing it by topic and keeping it as brief as possible), but you can skip to the answer to that question written below.

(if you have ADD and need a quick visual tour, here’s a video…)

The Setup

Justin came over around 1:45am (saturday morning). His plan was to meet up with another comedian named Jordan around 3am. So, he hung out and played Wii while I finished up some work, shaved, showered, and got ready.

We headed out to Melrose & Kilkea (the corner where you’ll find the world-famous Hollywood Improv) and arrived at around 3am, with our soda, red bull and cigarettes. I’ve never stood in a line for more than maybe an hour, so the prospect of spending at least 7+ hours in a line was a bit daunting. Surprisingly, however, I was rarely bored.

Good Morning

As the sun rose around 5am, I could see the lay of the land better than before. The tents I’d seen and walked past earlier in the day looked even more abundant than what I’d first seen. I wasn’t yet tired, but it was a strange experience to be standing on a familiar Melrose street at five in the morning with a line of comics (a lot of them which I’ve performed with), all hoping for the same thing : a chance at 2 minutes in front of a panel of judges that with one word can literally change your entire career.

Tents Removed

At around 9am, the camera crews for LCS came around and asked us to line up properly, take down the tents, and make a lot of noise for the cameras that would walk the line and gauge the excitement in the air. We complied, because we are (almost by definition) camera whores — I have no shame in admitting I’m definitely a camera whore. Occasionally, the crew would stop to focus on one of the comedians for a moment, have a little interview, and move on. While I was hoping they might randomly pick me, it appeared they picked people who went out of their way to bug the camera people. So, I wasn’t interviewed (that time around..)

Getting Closer

At around 10am, we were at least in the adjacent parking lot from The Improv. I needed to use the bathroom, but since the port-o-johns were out of order (hardly surprising with two johns, one of which was half-broken to begin with, for the 350+ people in line), they had me walk into the sideroom of The Improv. That’s where things got a little suspicious..

Freaks & …. more freaks

When I walked past the line of people who were prepped for actual time in front of actual judges, I noticed something : I’d seen exactly none of them in line up to that point. I’m not suggesting I looked at every single person who ever stood in line, but I saw 2 drag queens, a guy in a skin tight devil costume, a guy in a purple suit, another guy with balloons made into the shape of vegetables and (my personal fave) Alien Warrior Comedian. I’m actually a fan of AWC – I told him as much, and shook his hand, saying it was nice to finally meet the Gwar of Comics. He was surprised I knew who he was, but I told him I keep my ear to the ground for things like that. Honestly, his comedy is more than schtick so I dig what he’s doing. But the rest of the people mentioned? Fuckin’ hacks.

A Word on Shticks and Hacks

It’s pretty basic : audiences will put up with hack-comics for a time, cause it’s an easy laugh. But hack rarely lasts. Moreover, schtick crap like dressing up and putting on some cliché persona almost never works. But, hey, it’ll work for 30 seconds in a blurb on Last Comic Standing (or American Idol, for that matter) because viewers love to laugh at the dumb fuck. Do you really want to relegate your whole career to being that dumbfuck everyone laughed at and quickly forgot? Hey.. go for it. (again, none of this applies to AWC but he’s another topic for another time)

The Plot Thickens

One thing that sucked greatly was the weather. It rained several times throughout the day, and while I was able to shield myself with my hoodie, I ended up freezing cold and dripping wet. On top of being really tired, and hungry. By the time Justin and I left, we felt like we just went into battle.

Enter Craig Robinson

This year’s LCS host is Craig Robinson, who you might not think you know but I just about guarantee you do. Here’s a photo of him (with a half-asleep Mitcz, after 10 hours of waiting in line…)

He walked the line, cameras in-tow, building up the crowd and reading cue cards welcoming TV audiences to LCS season 7. He was a cool guy, I just felt bad for him having to brave not only an angry, cold, wet, tired and hungry amass of comics – but clearly being lied to (more on this in a moment) and being ordered around by the director.

One of the things that the interviewers throughout the day (and Craig Robinson) had said to comics they interviewed was “tell me something funny”, or “give me a good one-liner”. Having heard about this early on, I thought “I don’t do one-liners”, but I’ve written a few for sprinkling into sets even though I never get around to using them. I needed something I could remember on the spot that showed enough about my act to maybe get me a leg up on the competition.

When Craig walked up to me for an interview, I had been standing in line for about 12 hours. Here’s how our interview went ..

Craig : yo, man.. what’s your name?
Me : Mitcz
Craig : Mitcz, Nice to meet you. I’m Craig
Me : Well.. nice to meet you, Craig
Craig : So… you funny?
Me : I sure try to be
Craig : C’mon man.. you can’t try. You gotta KNOW it. Gotta know it in your head
(I point to my cranium, and smile, saying “that’s like some Yoda stuff” under my breath)
Craig : So, gimme somethin’ funny, man. Make it quick
Me : Beyonce says if you love it, you should put a ring on it. So… I pierced my dick.
(Craig looks a little disturbed, and says nothing. no laugh.. no reaction.. nothin’)
Me : ….. should I have said penis instead?
Craig : Nah, man. They’ll bleep it out. It’s cool. You take care, and good luck!

…I’m still not sure if that was considered a good interview. But, hey, I did what I could in my half-asleep state.

Mixed Signals

One of the producers told someone near me (I was fading in and out of sleep, so I can’t remember if it was part of the “crew” I was hanging out with all day or not) that “everyone in line will be seen by someone today. Either inside, or out here in the line, everyone will get a chance to make an impression on one of the scouts or the judges”. At around 3pm, I was a mere hundred feet from the entrance, and we hadn’t moved more than about 20 feet in the past 3 hours. The rain was drizzling in and out, but one of our crew (big shoutout to Robert B Forsyth) bought some pizzas, so I wasn’t as hungry.

Around 4pm, one of the film crew members came out and said “basically, there’s no chance any of you are going to get a chance to audition today. we’re understaffed and overloaded, and.. I’m sorry. Even the people who are in the courtyard..” (quick explanation : the courtyard was just beyond a gate that was maybe 10 feet in front of us) “….might not get a chance, either”. At that point, most of the line started to clear out and go home. Justin and I agreed – we’d come this far, and if everyone turned around and went home, we could probably get into the courtyard and give it a shot. What had we to lose?

So, we stayed. And we got into the courtyard.

The Angry Masses

There in the courtyard, under some hastily-constructed blue tents, amongst about 50 comics… was a surreal moment. There were comics jumping up and down, literally screaming at the top of their lungs for a chance to get in and audition. One guy just kept giving these loud, impassioned speeches about how “we’re all being treated like animals” and much of the crowd of comics cheered him on. I don’t think he was entirely out of line — to say the event was handled “very poorly” would be giving them too much credit — but I don’t see how yelling at any part of the crew that walked by would entice anyone in charge to think “hey! we should totally bring this guy in to our studio!”. So, I did no such yelling, or cheering him on. I’ll explain why at the end of this post.

The biggest point of contention for the line of comics is that they were holding pre-filtered, agent-booked auditions on the same day as this open call. That’s a bit fucked. So, while 300 comics stood in line, about 100 comics were ushered in by their agents before the doors were even opened. Combine the 2-minutes of stage time with however many minutes of pre and/or post interviews, and you’ll find that basic math tells you 9 hours is nowhere near enough time to get through 400+ comedians – all things being equal.

It’s a fair point to make, and I really don’t see why they didn’t just hold the auditions separately – or not having open casting calls in the first place (which, frankly, I would prefer).

My “Audition”

After 15+ hours of standing, sitting, getting 10 minute naps in fold-up chairs, bearing the cold, the rain, the fatigue, and finally being told “sorry, Mitcz.. none for you!”, that angry huddled mass of comics broke through (not physically, but verbally) and the producer decided to bring a camera out, set it on a tripod and give to each comic who wanted it the chance to do one minute of comedy, out there in the rain with no microphone and only a disgruntled production staff and a seething mass of angry comics as an audience.

They said “who’s willing to do that?” – and I just raised my hand and smiled. They said “you’re up!”

Whether or not being the first one (and showing genuine excitement about it) helps my chances, I have no idea. Hell, I don’t even know if they planned on giving those tapes to the judges. All I know is that I’d come that far, and the Mitcz doesn’t falter easily. So, I stood in front of the comics and did the cleanest version of “Women are the Devil” I could. And, frankly, I think I did it well, It was tight, words were chosen carefully, I didn’t stutter, and I didn’t pause for longer than needed. I even got quite a few laughs from both the staff and the angry masses. I call that one point for Team Mitcz.

So, there. That was my “kinda” audition.

Afterthoughts – a brief rant about entitlement and whining

You will see no greater, concentrated group of whiny fucks with an inflated sense of entitlement and self-worth than what you’ll find in the entertainment industry. I saw it all day long, too. A guy (who will forever remain unnamed lest he think he’s important cause my blog comes up when he’s ego-searching himself) even said this around 11am..

“I’ve been doing comedy for 11 years now. Still…. EVEN NOW… I get no respect. I’ve been in this line since 2:30 in the fuckin’ morning. I even had (actor’s name removed) call on my behalf. You know (actor name) ? Yeah, apparently that’s not good enough! You gotta get GOD HIMSELF to call. Fuckin’ assholes. I gotta stand in line in the fucking rain for 9 hours!”

Give me a fucking break. If you’ve been doing comedy for 11 years and you’re hoping your “big break” comes from auditioning for a reality show? Write some better fucking jokes.

This world isn’t free, and anything entertainment-related is gonna be a bitch to get into, and take a lot of fucking work. Sure, anyone who gets onto Last Comic Standing will increase their audience and their booking fees by orders of magnitude in short time – but…. really? Waiting in line for a day or two ain’t shit compared to YEARS AND YEARS of hard work. Every one of those comics knows this. Some of them I knew personally, and I know about the hard work they put into it all. Hell, my friend Justin Dabuet has only been doing comedy for a few months and the dude does more shows in a week than I’ll do this month. And, ya know what? He deserves the benefits of better gigs than I’m getting. Cause he’s putting in the hard work.

Sure, whoever was in charge of the LCS auditions was running that ship at minimal efficiency. They definitely could’ve handled it better. Hell, a one-armed chimp with a drinking problem may have handled it better. And, yes, it was a grueling experience, and my heart goes out to every comic that didn’t get a chance to audition. But, let’s think about this – when else in life do you have a chance to completely change your life by doing nothing more than standing in a line and then talking for 2 minutes? Literally anyone could stand in that line. ANYONE. Don’t give me this shit about “years of hard work to get those 2 minutes”.

It was an experience, I had a lot of fun in the line, I met a lot of great people, and I got a fleeting chance to make a dream happen. Fuck it. I call that an even score.

(and, yes, I have been nervously making sure my phone is charged and in good range of cell towers all day just in case……)

UPDATE! (March 9th, 2010)

I said earlier that I thought Craig Robinson was “lied to”, but never explained why I thought that. What I meant was, all day long he was interviewing people and I heard him ask on more than one occasion “what’s it like to know you’ll be getting a chance at $250,000 and to be on national TV doing comedy? Just beyond those doors is a chance to make your dream come true!”. That’s not a statement you make to someone who WON’T, in fact, have that chance. The people he asked that to were behind me, and this was about 30 mins before they told everyone beyond the gate to go home. So, I think he was being told we’d all get that chance. Or, more likely, that the staff really thought they’d get through everyone. Who knows.

Official Word From Last Comic Standing

The people running the LCS profile on Facebook have sent me a few messages, stating (very kindly, I’ll add) that they never guaranteed everyone would be seen. They wanted me to mention that to everyone who reads this. So, I have. And, I told them I didn’t hold anger towards them as I didn’t figure we’d even get a chance to begin with but that it was worth a shot.

What’s fascinating to me is that they actually read my blog :

We had a neat little convo back-and-forth and while they made it clear to me that the people in charge of the FB account had no part in the casting, I’m still flattered to have been given the extra attention. So, thanx Last Comic Standing Facebook Admins :)

Related posts:

1. Procrastination Is a Lazy Comic’s Pillow
2. Back on top.
3. Goodbye, 20s.

My Old Provider

I’ve been with my former hosting company for about 10 years now (name withheld to not only prevent inadvertent advertising for them, but also because if you’re happy with their service – by all means, have a ball). I can’t remember exactly when I switched, but I’m pretty sure I was either living in Seattle (making it 11 years), or shortly after I moved to CA (making it almost 10 years).

In that time, the original company was bought out and switched names, then bought out again and switched names. With the name switching and server upgrades, I was relegated to obscurity. My hosting plan stayed the same, despite the fact that they never upgraded my plan. In fact, my plan didn’t even exist anymore. My only option was to upgrade. Unfortunately, they wouldn’t let me just swap to a newer solution, saying instead that my nearest upgrade path was around $120/month. Fuck that.

Here’s the problems I’ve had in the last 10 years, which I complained about numerous times and were never resolved :

1. No burst capabilities. If I got any type of traffic surge, my server would just up and die on me (ya know, lest they charge me out the ass for overages)
2. Ridiculously low timeouts. If I connected to my server, changed a file and saved it back to the server, I’d be waiting up to a minute for the server to respond. Even connecting via FTP took me close to a minute each time.
3. My SMTP server had mismatched rDNS (I explain this below) – this was a giant pain in my ass
4. No support for IMAP email
5. Every new domain, new DB, new subdomain, or anything outside of very basic server administration meant submitting a support ticket and waiting hours (sometimes days) for someone to get around to it
6. Did I mention they wouldn’t let me migrate to a newer plan to match their new owners’ service plans?

rDNS Issues

I don’t know too much about the specifics, but apparently my SMTP server didn’t match the DNS records for the domain. Because of this, almost every email service in the world would toss email from RevMitcz.com into the Junk folder and never look back. Having mismatched rDNS is the realm of spammers, and the very first line of defense against spam is to just reject those emails outright — even though spammers haven’t bothered with mismatched rDNS in over a decade. Craigslist responses would immediately be returned to me, stating basically “your rDNS is fucked”. Yahoo, Hotmail, Gmail, all of them – they’d just toss my emails into a junk folder and call it a day. For the past year or two, I’ve used GMail for all outgoing mail to get around this limitation.

Now, About MediaTemple

For me, the number one thing that got me turned onto MediaTemple were all the great designers that willingly put “hosted by (mt)” banners on their sites. I’ve never in my life put a banner on my site for my previous provider, and frankly I was always pretty reluctant to answer the question I got from clients “which host do YOU use?”. Being a freelance designer/developer, it makes sense that I should know a good provider and be using the very best. I’m an expert – I’ve been doing this shit for 14 years now. But, no, I would shrug and say “I dunno.. my host sucks, but I can find you a good one… I think”. Now, I’ll just say “MediaTemple – without a doubt”.

Their site is gorgeous, and standards-compliant. They keep it updated, too (WebAir, who I was with for all of about an hour once, still uses their design from 1999). They’ve got an iPhone-optimized control panel. They use Twitter (and they even reply if you mention them). They keep a regularly-updated blog. But, most important? They have the best service and support I’ve ever seen. Not only do they have a fully-searchable Knowledge Base that answers just about every question you could have – but they run a 24/7 phone support system (with real, live people who speak real, live English).

For the past year or so, I’d eye their site and think about switching to them, but groan to myself about the difficulties of server migration (I tend to have between 4 and 10 domains hosted on separate IPs at any given time). For fun, I’d call their support line at 4am and ask random questions. I never once waited for more than 2 minutes. When I called for actual support reasons on Saturday, my wait time was 3 minutes and the tech immediately solved my (admittedly very basic) problem, and didn’t try to shove me off the phone once I said “ahh.. that worked!”. I even got an email a few minutes later that described in detail the problem I had, and how it was solved. That’s some serious attention to detail.

What This Means Now

I’m pretty fuckin’ pumped that I’m finally on a nice, fast host. I can finally send email from my own domain to any service in the world. I’ve got IMAP email (!!!!!). I’m future-ready should I do some crazy shit that gets me a huge traffic burst. I can add my own domains without having to submit a support ticket and wait for some lazy bastard to “get around to it” days later. Ditto for setting up new DBs, or subdomains.

I’m in a position where I’m not scared to give the server a little workout. I can work on my own sites faster and in realtime (in Coda) without having to make 100s of edits and then commit the changes to a server and wait for a minute or two for my server to respond, only to find out I misplaced a semicolon and wait even longer.

The long and short of it is – I’m motivated to do more cool shit with my online presence and I have a forward-thinking host that can support such ventures.

Support Me (and MediaTemple)

If you need hosting, get it through MediaTemple and tell ‘em revmitcz.com sent ya :)

(I did not write this whole entry just to plug their shit, I wrote it cause I’m a geek and I’m excited about the new server)

Related posts:

1. IE6 “access is denied” Javascript error – FIXED
2. WebSpeak – A Primer.

(if you’re offended by this : you’re hyper-sensitive, probably an idiot, and you’re reading the wrong blog)

Related posts:

1. Jogging Mitcz : Take Two
2. We Have Hijacked Your Baby
3. The Perfect Message to Online Daters

Related posts:

1. Mitcz : The Expert #4 – It’s personal.
2. Mitcz : The Expert #7 – Changes in 2010
3. Mitcz : The Expert #1 – Wonka is Fucked Up

In front of me was a particularly loud (probably drunk) guy. No one minds a loud laugh – so that’s not what I’m saying. He was a loud talker. Not talking to the comics, per se, mostly just talking to his friends. VERY LOUDLY. That’s rude. But, he never got so out of hand that anyone felt like saying anything, myself included. He was pretty well-behaved for the most part. I was just thinking “I hope he understands he’s very loud when he talks to his friends” – however intermittent those talks may have been.

So, the hot waitress (I’m calling her that to protect her identity, damnit) swings by my table and asks if I need anything else. I told her she’d already made my night w/the remark from earlier and she smiled and walked off. A few minutes later, she was standing near my table and noticed I finished my drink, asking if I wanted another one. I said “no, but there is something you could do for me — punch this guy in the back of the head”.

Understand : I said this jokingly. She understood that. She laughed about it. But, then.. she walked up to him. I saw her talking to him, and then he turned around to look at me, and I saw them both point at me, and she said “yeah, Mitcz” and he said “That’s Mitcz? He said he wants to punch me in the head?”

Oops.

You see, she thought he was a friend of mine. And that I was joking with him through her. It’s a reasonable assumption. If he was a friend of mine, I’d probably have said the same thing, save for one important difference : I would’ve said “hey, tell that guy that Mitcz said…” but in leaving that out, I hadn’t realized she would take it upon herself to tell him anyway.

So, he walks up …

Guy : You wanna donkey-punch me?
Me : Donkey-punch you? No, sir
Guy : The waitress says you wanted to donkey-punch me in the back of the head
Me : Ohhh… yeah. Yeah. I told her to punch you in the back of the head, cause you’re being too loud
Guy : I’m being loud?
Me : Yeah.. like, when you talk. It’s okay. Just go sit and enjoy the show and try to keep your voice down
Guy : (grabs my chin, like in the mob movies) “Ahh…. THIS guy! HA! You were fuckin’ funny tonight, man”
Me : Well, thank you. I hope you enjoy the show.
Guy : Of course!

Later, I had to explain to the waitress her little faux pas. She was embarrassed and apologetic. I said it was fine, as the guy clearly didn’t know he was being loud and didn’t seem altogether offended by it. Thankfully, she didn’t pick a loud, wanna-fight-everything asshole to tell that to.

Oh, and I got her number out of the deal. A winner = me.

I really should call her soon…

Related posts:

1. With Apologies to Your Mother & Fiance
2. Storytelling : Gay Porn
3. Last Comic Stumbling (updated!)

I was told to host the show, introduce the bands, and fill time between bands with comedy. Easy enough, and should be great fun. And it was fun. But, not so easy. Bands like to soundcheck their equipment, which makes telling jokes over a snare drum exceedingly difficult (unless you’re doing vaudeville with rimshots, I s’pose).

Starting off the gig, I had some loud heckler in the front asking me to “come closer, I have a secret for you!”. Psh. Like I’m falling for THAT one. Here’s me responding “just say it out loud, no one cares” :

Later on in the show, my friend Ron Underwood waltzed up on the stage. You might recognize him from his former band Opiate for the Masses. While I’ve known him for about 10 years now, I wouldn’t say we were “close” – mostly just casual acquaintances. This isn’t to say I have anything against him – far from it, he’s a great guy – just that we haven’t hung out that much.

He gave me carte blanche to “just do my thing”, but then he followed me up onstage. I don’t think he realizes I meant to do comedy and then introduce his band (Beezlewood) but my rule is : if you’re on my stage, you’re in my act. Like I said before, I’ve barely ever hung out w/Ron, but.. I like to get reactions so I thought I’d just start making shit up and see if he’d go with it.

Me : Ahh.. if I had a dollar for every time I’ve been naked in a hot tub with this guy
Ron : Haha! YES!
Me : Hey.. you remember that time we double-teamed the girl with the harelip?
Ron : Uhh…
Me : I know, I know… “WHICH ONE?” Oh, Ron. I lost count of how many times we’ve been inside the same woman at the same time
Ron : You know.. my mother’s here
Me : Your mother’s here?
Ron : Yeah. And my fiancé
Me : ……

So, I thought “Oh! I’ll just defuse the situation by making an even more off-color remark that embarrasses me”, and I pulled out the keepsake necklace I made (that contains my mother’s ashes) and said “Well.. don’t feel too bad… my mom’s here too!”

His reaction wasn’t exactly what I’d hoped for

Me : “Well, Ron, I guess it’s time for you to rock these motherfuckers’ faces off, eh?”
Ron : “Fuck yeah!”
(Mitcz exits stage left)

photo credits : MistrsEvilKitten

Related posts:

1. Mothers Rally Where Fathers Cannot
2. A Friendly Head-Punch Suggestion
3. RE : Mitch Hedberg

Anyway, so I constantly get these coupons for things like Zicam and NyQuil. I assumed this is because I’m a smoker and it’s winter. Two great tastes that taste great together give people the sniffles for months on end. I had the following conversation w/the clerk :

Me : “I keep getting these coupons for Zicam. Do you think it’s cause I buy smokes all the time and they figure I’ve gotta be getting sick?
Clerk : “I don’t think so. I used to get coupons for Nicorette and I’ve never smoked”
Me : “Oh. Well, I guess it’s not based on shopping history when you use your CVS card then”
Clerk : “It might be. I get offers for lots of things smokers don’t use”
Me : “Oh? Like jogging shoes or something?” (laughing at my own joke)
Clerk : “No.. things like.. soap and shampoo”

Thanks, clerk lady. Now I’m all self-conscious and shit.

No related posts.

Hey, I’m here to help ;)

I put the “;)” in bold so it would be obvious. That’s a wink. Not a smile. I meant to smile. As in “hey, be happy!”, but instead… a wink. Which says “I’m here to help…. (or, failing that, to grope you inappropriately)”. That’s creepy. I don’t want to be the guy who offers advice in a hey-you-should-dump-that-guy-and-have-hot-sex-with-me nudging manner.

It’s a text message, though. I can’t immediately write back “ohh.. that ;) was supposed to be :)” cause likely she didn’t even think about it. And now she would. Worse yet, it seems like I’m accidentally perverted. That might be worse. Like at any minute in polite conversation I might be like..

Yeah, I like spaghetti too AND I’LL FUCK YOUR HOT SNATCH! but I prefer spaghetti with meatballs OHHHYEAH VEINY COCK STUFFING YOUR MOUTH HOLE

…which is not at all the kind of impression you want people to have. You’ll never get invited to social events if you have Creepy Porno Script Tourrette’s.

So, I just left it as it was and figured “hey… I’ve said worse. she’ll understand an inappropriate wink emoticon”

(or….. will she?)

No related posts.

Mi Vida Ridiculo

This is an area where I plan to tell stories about the whacky shit that goes on in my life. Too long for twitter, but not always long enough for a full blog post (though some stories will end up blog-length). I have a series of weird thoughts that go through my head throughout the day, sometimes triggered by an event, sometimes not. I thought it would be cool to have a little holding pen for them. And now I do.

Mitcz : The Expert

Mitcz : The Expert episodes are now prominently displayed on the frontpage. This will make it not only easier for longtime viewers to keep up with, but will help newcomers actually find out it exists and watch all of them in one place.

Twitter Archives

I was amused to find Twitter Tools, which can automatically post a daily blog entry for my Twitter posts. I took them out of my feed, and out of search results on my blog, so they stand on their own as sort of a mini-blog.

Enhancements

Pretty much just a cleaning up of pages and code, and making everything a little easier to read and digest. If you have thoughts – spit ‘em out.

Related posts:

1. Mitcz.com Version 2.0
2. My Name is Mitcz, and I’m Addicted to Twitter
3. Ecto 2.3.6 Test Post

Personally, I want the Kindle to fail. Amazon’s taking SEVENTY FUCKING PERCENT of the price on e-books and magazines. That’s just insane and fucking wrong. Sure, they’re providing the platform – but since the entirety of the platform depends on the content you consume with it, they’re cannibalizing their entire market. Also, the average price for Kindle books is $10. For Apple’s iBooks store? $5. Bam! G’night, Amazon.

Why it’s a game changer

Right off the bat – forget e-book readers. They’re dead in the water now. Unless they all drop to under $100, they’re just not even worth it.

So, 16GB is WAY more than any current e-book reader has. Not that it matters, you can fit like 10,000 books on a $5 thumb drive. I was a little bummed about the 3G functionality tax, but $30/mo for UNLIMITED 3G, NO contract? That’s a “holy shit” price.

Here’s something you might not have considered, which only just occurred to me a few minutes ago – I have an iPhone, as do millions of others. The iPhone supports tethering. AT&T is supposed to enable tethering soon. What this means for an iPhone-and-iPad owner is : you can save that $130 3G tax AND the $30/month, and still get unlimited 3G service 24/7 just by using the iPhone’s 3G signal as your mobile WiFi hotspot. Fuck yes.

Suddenly, it all makes sense. Throw in that kick-ass keyboard stand, and it’s like having an iMac anywhere you go. Better even than a laptop in some cases : longer battery life, less distractions, thinner, lighter, smaller, higher viewing angle. As you may know, I’ve been writing a book, and while I prefer to chill on my couch or in bed and type out on my laptop – I’m using a 17″ MacBook Pro. I still haven’t found a comfortable way to sit there and write, without lighting my damned lap on fire and/or contorting my body in some manner to fit the damned thing on my lap but still giving me room to type.

The idea of being able to sit there with a slab of 1/2-inch-wide, 10-inch-diagonal touchscreen tech that’s practically weightless, doesn’t overheat, and lets me type on a full-size keyboard anywhere I’d want to sit? Dude – Amazing (or, ya know “magical“).

What’s Missing?

A camera. I can hardly believe Apple didn’t toss a camera up in that bitch. It would be trivial to add, would add something like $2 to the manufacturing cost, and would increase it’s utility by a wide margin. While you can pretty much bet the farm that the 2nd-gen iPad will most definitely include a front-facing camera, I wouldn’t be too surprised to find someone (maybe even Apple) make a dock-connected camera accessory soon. Personally, it doesn’t matter too much to me, cause I’ve already got a perfectly capable Macbook Pro with integrated webcam and video conferencing software, but it’d be damn cool to be able to do Mitcz : The Expert with a thin slab of tech.

All of that being said… I want one. It’s quite possibly the greatest thing Apple’s ever done.

UPDATE :

Looks like Apple’s already announced dongles for things like USB :

So, I give it about 1 month after launch before there’s a webcam solution.

Related posts:

1. New Mac Day
2. My “Sex Book” Sample Chapter
3. A Geek and His Money Are Soon Parted

Nonetheless, here’s a quick breakdown of Do’s and Don’ts.

Do Not…

• Use netspeak/slang. (words like “ur”, “u”, “luv”) or bad spelling (“wut”, “realy”, “cant”)
• Use physical compliments (“you’re sexy”, “beautiful”, “hey cutie”, etc)
• Mention using outside services to get to know them (email, AIM, yahoo, cellphone, etc)
• Mention god. Unsurprisingly (to me, at least), Jesus and God decrease reply rates even amongst other religious terms.

Do…

• Be humble, especially for men. Surprisingly “sorry”, “awkward” and “apologize” all had high success rates.
• Mention something in their ad. The phrase “you mention..” had the highest rate of any term
• Mention a common interest. It appears common taste in a specific band is your best bet.
• Compliment something non-physical. Phrases like “it’s cool that..”, “fascinating” and “awesome” did very well
• Use “how’s it going”, “what’s up”, or even “howdy” (my fave). “hi”, “hello” and “hey” achieved very low success rates.
• Mention atheism. Oddly enough, it got a success rate almost on-par with musical tastes. No other religion fares well, though.

The Perfect Message*

Putting all that data (hooray science and math!) into a human-readable form means that the following form letter should yield you the highest possible success rate for messaging another user on a dating site. The keywords/phrases from the OkTrends article in bold, insert your own variables between {brackets}

How’s it going? Cool profile. I noticed that you’re a fan of {band}, aren’t they awesome? Have you heard {obscure older album by that band, or one similar}? It’s amazing. Also, You mention {random topic}, so I’m curious what you think of {similar topic}. Sorry if these questions seem awkward, but I’m pretty sure you’d have some fascinating responses, being a fellow {atheist, vegetarian, metalhead, gamer} with good taste.

Hope you’re doing well, and maybe we’ll talk soon.

There ya go, kids. It’s like having an aggregating math robot do all your small-talk for you! Have fun with that and let me know if it works.

Theoretically, if the robots are to be believed, this hits all the right chords. I’d feel cheesy sending out this message, too, but it’s worth a shot

Related posts:

1. We Have Hijacked Your Baby
2. Wading through the personals pool
3. My Evening with Skinny Puppy

Let me know your thoughts…

Related posts:

1. Mitcz : The Expert #4 – It’s personal.
2. Mitcz : The Expert #3 – Dick Size and Dick Pills.
3. Mitcz : The Expert #5 – Psychic Shitheads

So, here’s a video that sums it all up in about 3 minutes.

Related posts:

1. Mitcz : The Expert #4 – It’s personal.
2. Mitcz : The Expert #5 – Psychic Shitheads
3. Mitcz : The Expert #8 – Black Metal!

As I see it, the love for horror movies boils down to one or more of the following :

1. We love/relate to the hero(es)
2. We love/relate to the villain(s)
3. We just want a demented laugh
4. We just want a good scare
5. We like being fucked with

Breaking that down, I’ll explain each reason and give examples where it’s been done well.

We love/relate to the main character(s)

I originally wanted to say “protagonist(s)” instead of “hero(es)”, but the “heroes” are rarely protagonists in horror films (and, frankly, rarely heroic – but let’s just go with it). Many times we’re watching the villain(s) go on a rampage against a group of characters that are the focus of a story and they’re just running around defending themselves. They’re not on a mission, per se, they’re just trying to stay alive. That would make the killer the protagonist. Sorry to be so pedantic, I’m the son of a drama teacher and it would feel wrong to not explain this distinction.

A vast majority of horror movies are working on the premise that you’ll want to root for the good guy, thereby making the bad guy seem scarier. After all, if you relate to a character in any story, you feel like whatever happens to them is happening to you. And, if you feel like you’re being chased, you’re going to be scared.

What pisses me off are shit-house horror flicks that rely on me relating to and liking the main character, but not making them anyone I give a shit about. This is either due to a lack of a proper backstory, or just cause there’s not enough character development to make them human and likable. This is why, to me, 30 days of Night sucked ass. I didn’t give a shit about the main characters. I didn’t know who they were, and they weren’t interesting/likable enough for me to give a shit.

If you’re not going to make your main characters likable or multi-dimensional enough, at least make the villain likable and amusing. Again, 30 days of Night failed at that, as well. It’s not the only one : Hostel 2, most of the Saw movies, the entire Blade franchise, and Underworld suffered as well (sure, sure, Kate Beckinsale was pretty neat – but she answered to some douchebag vampire gothbag, which made me question why she was listening to him in the first place, thereby making her character weak and dramatically lame).

Where has this been used to good effect? Here’s some brief examples.

The Descent – A group of rough-and-tough chicks (many of them also attractive, which helps), including a woman who’s child and husband are killed in the first 2 minutes of the movie. We watched them all having a grand old time right away, seeing how they live when they’re at the apex of life, and then we immediately see the frailty of happiness as her daughter and husband are killed instantaneously in a car crash. When the whole crew gets together, you can’t really find one amongst them that you don’t like. You might not love them all, but you certainly don’t despise any of them. As a further stroke of writing genius, each of them have flaws that make them multi-dimensional and you’re not entirely on the side of any single one of them, but you certainly don’t wish them harm. There’s a shitload of layers to this film, but the basics are this : you like these girls, and you want them to survive. What happens to them scares the shit out of you because you empathize.

Hostel – You’ve got 3 guys here. The geeky, introverted nice guy Josh. The suave, well-toned Paxton (whom you might not like at first, but come to realize pretty quick is just a young dude having fun, and he’s a really good friend) and the goofy-but-harmless foreigner Oli. Like The Descent, you’re not entirely on the side of any of them, but you don’t wish them harm. I thought the first Hostel was an amazing film, because you fucking hate everyone they come into contact with but you genuinely relate to and like those main characters. Again, you empathize so you’re frightened by what happens to them.

Alien/Aliens – Ripley fucking rules. That’s all there is to it. You have no empathy for giant, acid-spewing aliens – you just know they can fuck shit up. But if you don’t love Sigourney Weaver’s character in these films, I posit that you either hate women or you have no taste. That it takes place in an alien world adds to the scare because you don’t know the rules of the landscape – so really anything is possible. We’ll ignore the remainder of the Alien franchise for now.

Halloween – Don’t pretend you don’t love Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween. This was especially scary for women, because she’s a babysitter and that strikes at the heart of a lot of teenage girls. Even though I only did a little babysitting in my teens (and mostly during the day, at that), I was scared for JLC. The remainder of the Halloween series focused on Michael Meyers, but (as we’ll explore later in this article) he didn’t have any personality to latch onto so… frankly, who gives a shit about him?

The Host – You’ve gotta love that whole family, really. They’re just regular people and your heart goes out to the deadbeat dad who wants a better life for his kids, but just can’t pull it together. What makes this story special is seeing him find an opportunity to prove his worth as a father, and because he’s so likable and goofy – we want him to succeed.

We love/relate to the villain(s)

This is what fucks up a lot of non-horror fans. But, frankly, I doubt they’ll ever “get it”. Making a likable villain is tricky. You need to make him/her/it tough enough to survive, but also give them vulnerabilities, quirks and/or a personality that make them kind of goofy and likable. The only way to properly explain this one is by example.

Nightmare on Elm Street – It could be argued that there were likable characters in the first NoES, and frankly that’s the only one of the series that follows a more traditional villain-chases-hero plotline. But, something interesting happened with this series that made it one of the better (and, in my personal opinion, best) horror franchises based on a common villain : Freddy Krueger is enjoyable. He cracks one-liners, he’s got a pretty lengthy backstory, he’s a scary monster but also human, and… let’s be honest, he’s got a pretty neat weapon. It also helps that he has really creative killing methods — almost none of which actually involve his built-in weaponry. Seriously… the forced-suicide-as-a-puppet killing in NoES : Dream Warrior? Genius!

Hellraiser – Like NoES, the first one is more like a classic horror flick. But, once Hellraiser 2 kicked off it quickly became all about Pinhead and the Cenobites. After that, it got into some campy-ass territory, sure, but I still enjoyed Pinhead’s killings and one-liners. I genuinely enjoyed Hellraiser : Bloodline, for instance, because of its heavy focus on Pinhead and making his lines so damned quotable. To wit..

and…

How do you not LOVE that shit?

Wishmaster – Ignore every Wishmaster flick after this one. The first one was a stroke of genius. Not only the creative kills (which go into another category I’ll explain in a moment), but everyone I’ve watched this movie with laughs out loud when the security guard says “Well, you’ll have to go through me. Which is something I’d just LOVE to see….” (because, you see, saying “I’d love to see..” is the same as “I wish…” to a genie).

We Just Want A Demented Laugh

This gets into the territory that, if you were the critical and holier-than-thou type, you might point at a horror fan and say “you’re a fucking psychopath”. But, frankly, I don’t think I need to defend my schaudenfreude here. Entertainment – specifically, fictional entertainment – is about fantasy. It’s not a stretch to say that likely most horror fans grew up (as I did) as outcast geeks, dreaming of all sorts of fucked-up death sentences against their oppressors. So, watching the douchebag jock get disemboweled by a chainsaw is an amusing site. This particular category of horror film is rarely malicious, though. It doesn’t take itself too seriously and the entertainment is from the sheer absurdity, as well as “ohhhman… I love how fucked up that was”. That’s one of those great feelings you get laughing at something you shouldn’t – and it’s something I explore a lot in my stand-up comedy. When asked to defend this style of humor.. I’m fucked. I got nothin’. I just figure if you “get it”, then you wouldn’t ask. If you don’t… you never will.

The trick to pulling off this style correctly is in being goofy about it. You should avoid going for insanely-fucked-up if you have a malicious intent of any kind. For instance, I laugh when my black friends tell me what’s commonly referred to as “nigger jokes”, but I’d be pretty fucking offended hearing the same joke from someone in the KKK.

Now, let’s get to the examples..

Dead Alive – If you haven’t seen Peter Jackson’s earlier work (Bad Taste, Meet the Feebles, Dead Alive) then you really should. They’re insanely fucked up. And wonderful. I’ve always heard Dead Alive held a number of records – gallons of blood spilled, number of people shown slaughtered, most kills for under a given budget – but I’m not sure how many are true. The point is that when you watch a scrawny New Zealander take out hundreds of crazed zombie-like monsters with a modified lawnmower, you know you’ve hit paydirt. This movie provides so many “ohhh that’s horrible!” (while laughing your ass off) moments, it should get some kind of award.

Ichi The Killer – This is probably one of the most fucked-up films I’ve seen (though, I also have a copy of the banned Norwegian film “Revenge” which shows a real, human cadaver’s eyeball being scalpeled) and it’s something of a legend among horror fans. Those that have seen it will immediately tell you their favorite scene, those that have only heard about it from others will light up when they see it in your DVD collection, and those that have no idea what this movie is… well, you want to be careful when showing it to them. And make sure you keep a bucket handy in case they need to hurl.

Gremlins 1 & 2 – I honestly consider these movies to be close, in spirit, to Dead Alive. Just silly fun and mindless destruction. Most wouldn’t even consider Gremlins a horror flick – more like a comedy. But, they’re ostensibly horror. I don’t personally consider Dead Alive to be horror, either, but there’s too much gore for most people to consider it comedy. To put it another way : if marijuana is a gateway drug to heroin – Gremlins is the gateway drug to considering gore-horror a form of comedy.

We Just Want a Good Scare

Horror movies are supposed to be scary – at least, in theory. As shown above, oftentimes anything gory that doesn’t fit into any other category gets lumped into horror. And, frankly, that’s fine. Check out the Fangoria convention one of these days and you’ll see just about anything gory or campy-but-death-related being heralded. It’s a good time. Still, it’s kind of rare that a horror film is actually scary, given the broad definition of the genre. If you’re in for a scare, check out these examples…

The Shining – While some could consider 2001 a horror film for technophobes, no one denies that Kubrick’s film adaptation of Stephen King’s The Shining was a horror film no matter which way you slice it. This is the first mention on the list because you don’t really relate to Jack’s introverted son Danny, you probably consider Shelley Duvall’s character Wendy Torrance to be a weak housewife character (cause, really, she doesn’t do anything except annoy Jack and wander around scared all the time), and Jack Torrance is by no means likable – he’s a drunk psychopath with severe anger management issues. All of that is fine, though. The villain here is unseen. It’s all mental. It’s cabin fever. Being snowblind. Paranoia. Ghosts. Dementia. All of the above. WIth no definitive villain or hero, you’re just watching a family descend into madness, lead by a frightening character who suffers those effects the greatest. Perhaps why it’s most frightening is that there’s no particularly good reason this couldn’t happen to any of us in the same situation.

Psycho – A classic, and for good reason. I won’t belabor the obvious and oft-repeated reasons why beyond this : it’s a story about a psychotic man who appears perfectly normal. That’s something that will forever scare the shit out of people, because it’s happened many times in real life (Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer and John Waynce Gacy were all well-respected in their towns).

Texas Chainsaw Massacre – Tobe Hooper said he made this movie because reclusive, tight-knit families in the South scared the shit out of him. I think once TCM hit, many more people shared his fear. Again, you’re not relating to the “heroes” (main characters) of the film cause you know very little about them. And you sure don’t want to relate to or like the fucked-up family they encounter. So, the film is stuck either being a dumb gore-fest without merit or being frightening. Hooper didn’t put much gore in his version (watch it again and count the times you actually see blood), but there was plenty of creepy imagery and an overall unsettling vibe. A masterpiece, to be sure. Still scares the shit out of me and I was born in the outskirts of a small town in Texas!

House of 1000 Corpses – To me, this is Texas Chainsaw Massacre for today’s audience. To hell with the TCM remake – this is what needed to be done. All the things I said about TCM above also apply here (albeit a little subdued, simply cause I was quite a bit older when this came out).

1408 – I love John Cusack, so this might’ve slipped into the “love the main character” category, but they intentionally want you to dislike his character as a fluff-writing douchebag. I’m a sucker for a good ghost story and/or movie about someone losing their fucking marbles, so this isn’t entirely unlike The Shining. Not sure why it didn’t do as well in the theaters, as everyone I’ve shown this to (now that I have it on DVD) has fucking loved it.

We Like Being Fucked With

This doesn’t apply solely to horror films – there’s plenty of suspense/drama/thriller flicks that fit this category. But, something horror movies are able to accomplish outside of those genres that adds an interesting edge is that you’re forced to relate to and follow a character that is horrifying and disturbing. One movie I left out of the list below, because I’m not entirely sure it fits into the horror genre, is Hard Candy. In that film, Ellen Paige plays a young woman meeting a photographer at his home. At the beginning of the film, you get the impression that the photographer is kind of a creep. Then you get the impression that Ellen Paige’s character is a psychotic woman, taking advantage of a vulnerable man. But, they further fuck with you as the film goes on because you hate both characters but also relate to both characters. I still haven’t figured out who’s side I’m on in that film (and, having watched the DVD extras, the director feels the same way).

Anyway, here’s some fine examples

Silence of the Lambs – It’s hard not to love and relate to Clarice Starling. She’s the underdog, in a male-dominated field, constantly undermined because of her inexperience (and her gender) who’s out to do right and prove her worth. Meanwhile, she’s also the only one the FBI can rely on to extract information from their favorite man-on-the-inside serial killer Hannibal Lecter. As a viewer, you mostly only hear about what he’s done that’s so horrifying – all you really see for most of the film is how pleasant he is. Gentlemanly, polite, exceedingly intelligent… and, sure, a little rough around the edges, but it’s to be expected when he’s got all these people over the years trying to fuck with him. You, like Clarice, are charmed by him. Then, of course, we see the claws come out and we see him do some pretty unruly shit to people who don’t really deserve that wrath. So, it fucks with you. Are you really rooting for the law (and Clarice) in bringing him down? Or are you kind of hoping he’ll escape, because now you’re sort of on his side, despite the atrocities he continues to commit? It fucks with you, for sure. And they follow that up nicely with Hannibal (the following two films were prequels, and quite a load of shit at that).

American Psycho – This one fucks with you because it’s really hard to be on anyone’s side in this film. You certainly hate Patrick Bateman’s entire social circle and his girlfriend, and pretty much every single person he comes into contact with. They beat it into your head how vapid and shitty those people are. No one gives a fuck Bateman even exists, frankly, and you just wish they’d all get fucked. But… wait. We’re seeing this through the eyes of Bateman. And you don’t really like him, either. He’s also vapid, self-obsessed, paranoid, vain to an obsessive degree, and clearly psychotic. Is he also a killer? We never really find that out either. Part of me ended the film saying “well, if he just imagined it all – then he’s not so bad”, but… what if he imagined being told he didn’t kill anyone? Conversely, if he did only just imagine killing those people, does that really make him any more decent a person? Like I said, it fucks with you.

The Devil’s Rejects – You really want to hate the group of deranged killers that are the focus of this follow-up to House of 1000 Corpses, but Rob Zombie’s genius was in making you like them anyway. You’re not given much of a choice. They’re underdogs and outcasts. They’re kinda funny. They’re a tight-knit group that watches out for each other. They’re up against a scum-sucking lawman. Those are all traits that, given to any other character in any other film, would make you hoot and holler for them. But, here, you’re conflicted because these people are fucked up. And clearly need to be jailed. And beaten to death. That’s why the film works – you hate them and are being forced to root for them almost against your will. The final moments of this movie are just amazing. I hope one day I get to tell Rob Zombie how impressed I was with this flick. (and, full disclosure, I did already tell the whole cast how much I liked House of 1000 Corpses).

The Formula

So, all you budding horror directors out there, here’s the formula I’ve come up with..

If you want to make me root for the main character – give them a backstory, and make them likable.

If you fail at that (or it is not possible, given your cast and/or screenplay), then make the villain charismatic and humanizing in spite of their evil plans.

If neither of those apply, and you’re just going for gore – go all the fuck out and give me a reason to feel okay about watching that level of over-the-top gore, make it campy if you must (hell, Peter Jackson got handed the Lord of the Rings trilogy after a puppet-fuck movie and 2 indie gorefest orgies).

If you’re not looking to make an audience laugh, and you genuinely want to scare some people – make it realistic enough that I worry it might happen to me or someone I know.

If none of the above apply, or you just want to make a lasting impression, mix all of that shit into one film that gives everyone a “WTF?” feeling, but make it skirt the edge of all 4 points and you might work your way into cult status (and I’ll probably buy your DVD and blog about it).

Putting it all together

To me, the number one horror film of all time – the one that applies all five formulas into one amazing film is the original Dawn of the Dead. You’re rooting for the main characters because they’re comprised of a group of everyday people and amazing hero-types. None of them are 100% likable, but you can relate to each of them in some way. Even in the beginning, with no-name redneck characters hunting zombies for kicks, you feel a kinship of “wouldn’t that be kinda fun?”. The zombies are just goddamned funny, and they explain why you should relate to them (answer : because they’re just like you, they’re mindless consumers flocking to what comes natural) but they’re also scary as hell.

It’s at times gory in a funny/campy way, because of the various death sequences (choreographed by the brilliant Tom Savini – who learned all he needed to know about realistic gore from his time in the Vietnam War). It’s scary because, while you can outrun slow-moving zombies… where the fuck are you gonna go when the world is full of them? Finally, it fucks with you because all these elements come together with no actual crux, no actual plot, and no actual outcome. There’s no “happy ending”. It’s just a snapshot of an all-out zombie war and post-apocalyptic survival.

Funny side-story : I did an awards show with Ken Foree a few years back, and we went out for a smoke so I told him that I considered him one of the greatest horror movie heroes of all time and asked him what he thought of the Dawn of the Dead remake. As if he was a g’damn psychic, he laughed and said “Ahh man… if I say anything, that shit’s gonna end up all over the internet. ‘Ken Foree takes on the Dawn of the Dead remake….’ haha. Fuck that. But, seriously… those zombies move too damned fast. I think we did all we could do with the first one.. I don’t see the need for a remake, but… I didn’t hate it”.

Anyway, that’s how you make a fuckin’ horror movie. Just in case you were wondering.

Related posts:

1. Go See “Shortbus”
2. Oh, Me? I’ve been okay…
3. Get your tickets now

I’m not breaking any new ground by saying the music industry has seen some pretty rough times as of late, I know. I’m also not breaking any new ground by saying “today’s music-buying public doesn’t pay attention to the radio or MTV”. But, therein lies what I’m getting at. WHY don’t people pay attention to new music avenues? My argument : because there ISN’T one worth paying attention to in the first place.

Radio, Radio, Go Away

I stopped listening to the radio around 2002, when I had a car stereo installed with an MP3-CD player. MP3-CDs can hold about 100 songs, which was more than enough to hold me over from point A to point B. On road trips, I could pack 5-10 such CDs and be good for the whole trip. My Faith No More and Nirvana complete discography MP3 CDs alone pretty much did it, frankly.

In 2005, I got the 60GB iPod and the Alpine head unit w/the iPod controller. That changed my life, and ever since, I’ve only used iPods in my car. 60GB is roughly 10,000 songs. That’s almost a solid MONTH of non-stop music.

I know I’m not alone. I can’t even remember the last time I got into a friend’s car and heard a radio. Some of my friends listen to so-called “internet radio”, but it’s actually Pandora – which is personalized streaming music. No commercials, no whacky DJs, no stupid contests and commercials for the local Guitar Center, and no hearing the same Top 20 tracks everyday for 2 months solid. If you don’t like what Pandora’s picked – hit a button and you skip it. Hit a different button and you’ll never hear that track again.

Radio existed on a basic premise that stayed along the same path for most of its existence. I’m 99% sure it’s still the same today. Each station has a particular demographic, and a certain style of music – pop, rock, metal, rap, oldies, etc. – and they stick to a playlist that will provide the largest amount of income from the labels that provide the rights to the music. That doesn’t work today for a few reasons.

1. Because WE want to choose the entertainment being provided
2. we want to choose WHEN we consume the entertainment
3. we want a VARIETY of entertainment to choose from

Growing up, we had about 12 channels on over-the-air TV and about 40 via Cable. Now, there’s over 500 channels – not even including pay-per-view and On-Demand services.

So, some loud-mouthed DJ “spinning the hits” 24/7 (without the ability to skip shit you don’t like and a very small selection of songs rotated through) is just bullshit. It’s dead, and worthless. Interestingly, talk radio has seen something like a 500% increase in their audience in just the last few years. Why? It’s constantly fucking different. Every single second.

Why MTV Ruled

Not to sound like one of those aging “in MY day……” fogeys but uhh… in MY day, MTV was the shit. If a band had even semi-regular airplay via MTV, they’d be superstars over night. I saw Marilyn Manson in 1995 at a small venue called Club Rio in Phoenix, a mere 3 months before Smells Like Children (and by extension, their video for Sweet Dreams) was released. The following tour, they were rocking full-sized arenas and have been ever since. When I saw Nirvana play at an arena in support of In Utero, they said “the last time we played Phoenix was at Club Rio.. which 20 of you were there?”. That’s right… in the early days of Nevermind’s release, Nirvana was touring 100-seat venues. A scant 2 years later, they were playing to a sold-out crowd at the America West Arena in Phoenix (that’s where they held the Phoenix Suns games).

What MTV had that radio never did, and why it would still work today, is variety. There was only one MTV. And, among the possible 24 hours of programming, you would catch a “top 40″ show, a hip-hop show, a rock show, an alt-rock show, a metal show, a blast-from-the-past show, and then music news and a rotating list of weird/alternative non-music programs (like my all-time faves : The State, Beavis and Butthead, and Liquid TV). You never really knew what you’d get from MTV, but you knew it was the pulse of America. It was definitively what was going on for the 12-20 year old demographic. If what they were doing wasn’t what you were into – you knew you could check back in about 20-30 mins and have a whole different experience.

To this very day, MTV is the only station I was ever able to watch for 6 hours straight and be entertained the entire time.

Fuck you, MTV

At some point in the 90s, and it was a gradual change but I can still remember when it happened, MTV decided to get in bed with Bunim-Murray productions to put the abomination of society that was The Real World onto your TV set. Looking back, MTV was that really fuckin’ hot chick that you just couldn’t believe was that cool to you, and you fucked her everyday and you LOVED IT. Then, one day, you find out she gave you herpes. And she’s like “ohh… I thought you knew? It’s no biggie…”. Yes it is, hot chick. Yes it is.

I mean that sincerely. MTV gave the world herpes when it gave us The Real World. We can all pretend it isn’t there, but The Real World gave birth to 90% of the TV programming out there, and the rise of a culture of self-obsessed jackasses who have no concept of embarrassment cause “OMG LOOK! I’M ON TV!”.

Since Cash Rules Everything Around Me, and apparently no one believes in having a fucking soul or doing something wonderful for the world, MTV said “Hey! This reality TV thing gets big numbers every time there’s a fight between two hairbrained shitheads!” and commissioned enough reality TV to take over most of their programming schedule. Goodbye The State, Goodbye Liquid TV, Goodbye Beavis and Butthead, Goodbye 120 Minutes, Goodbye Alternative Nation, Goodbye Headbanger’s Ball, Goodbye YO! MTV Raps, Goodbye fucking everything. They even killed off the ONLY remaining music video show – Total Request Live – even though… who the fuck is going to request videos they have no way of knowing even exist?

Bringing it all together

So, we’ve stopped giving a shit about the radio, MTV gives us nothing but vapid hams having scripted fights, and we’re left with…… what? Pretty much nothing. To discover new music, you must actively seek it out. For my part, I just keep my ears opened. Thankfully, I’ve got Shazam on my iPhone so if I happen into a club here in Hollywood that’s playing a particularly interesting track – I can find out WTF it is. Beyond that, unless I get a trusted review from a friend, I not only don’t know about new bands – but I’ve no easy way of finding out about new albums released from bands I already enjoy. What I do, normally, is check Amazon.com’s upcoming releases.

What confuses me, though, is how bands “make it big” these days. How did you people hear about Lady Gaga? MGMT? Kings of Leon? For me, I heard about Lady Gaga because friends of mine mentioned her from time to time. MGMT I found out about through an interview I read on Patton Oswalt talking about his “best albums of 2008″. Kings of Leon, I found out about because I was trying to watch Faith No More play a reunion show at a festival in the UK, and KoL was headlining, so I thought I’d check them out.

But, seriously, how does a band make waves in this new world? I honestly don’t know. Moreover, since there’s no easy way to find new music outside of a small sampling (via radio and MTV), many people just go ahead and download a whole album and then decide if they like it. Conveniently, if you listen to 12 songs from a band and end up liking 3 or 4 of them, you’ve got a much more favorable opinion of them as a whole than just really liking the only track you’ve heard of theirs.

This is why live acts are making more money than ever before — once you dig that band, you’re more likely to go see them live. In the past, you could safely sit on the sidelines and wait for that next single to drop in a few months, and maybe never make up your mind about the band. To this day, I still don’t own a single Alice in Chains album, and I still have no feelings about them one way or another. Meanwhile, I like MGMT more every time I listen to Oracular Spectacular, despite never having heard them on the radio or seen them on TV.

The future?

Who really knows what’ll come of the future. I know a lot of people are working on it, and I doubt I’ll have a say one way or another. I’ve got a million proposed solutions, and some of them I could prove would work, but I’m just some lowly comedian with a big mouth. We’ll see where it goes from here, but I hope MTV dies a painful death in short order. Shouldn’t it be illegal to call yourself Music Television when there’s no Music on your Television?

Assholes.

Related posts:

1. Sorry, Kevin.
2. The Puppy
3. With Apologies to Your Mother & Fiance