If you don’t yet “get it” – allow me to elucidate.

My Enablers

First and foremost, if the only time you read or update Twitter is by going to twitter.com, you’ll probably never “get it”. It might sound silly, but it’s way too much work to sit there and refresh your feed manually. And, for posting, to have to head over to bit.ly, TwitPic, TwitVid, yFrog, etc to manually shorten a URL or upload a pic/video is a giant pain in the ass. That kind of activity will discourage your Twitter usage mighty quick.

Personally, I use a great (free if you don’t mind the occasional, but very classy, ad banner) program called Tweetie. It updates itself every 5 minutes or so, and lights up a small icon in your menubar (if you so choose) when new tweets come in. If you’ve also got Growl installed (which I do), you can also get fancy Growl notifications for any mentions, replies, or direct messages. I keep Tweetie running 24/7, even while I’m sleeping, and while I don’t read every single tweet that comes through – I can skim and see if I’ve missed anything neat. When posting, it’s a simple keyboard combo (command-option-s) to immediately shorten URLs, and it has in-app “record video” and “add image” capabilities. Again, this is all within the app, no need to venture around and use all these other sites.

Beyond that, I finally bought an iPhone about 2 months ago. I bought Tweetie for the iPhone to get Twitter on-the-go. Tweetie 2, which was just released, is even better. I’d say it’s the best Twitter app for iPhone – and some other folks agree. I can snap a photo or video and post it instantly – like a dude trying to sell a baby bunny on Hollywood Blvd or my name on a marquee . That’s fuckin’ amazing, damnit.

Combine those two things and I’ve got Twitter everywhere. But, you might be asking, why the fuck would you want Twitter everywhere?

My High

Easily the number 1 detractor for new users coming to Twitter is that question “what are you doing?”. Let me say this now – I almost never care what you’re doing. Moreover, almost no one even posts what they’re doing anymore. The question should be “what’s on your mind?”. Now that’s a question I can get behind. That’s an answer I want to hear. Conveniently, that’s the question most people are answering anyway.

I follow a lot of comedians – I like to know where they’re performing next. When their next CD/DVD/Special is coming out. Better yet, most of them try out one-liners and joke concepts via their tweets. I do it, too. It’s a great way to get instant feedback. I posted the following one-liner a few days ago and it got re-tweeted about 12 times in a matter of minutes :

Beyoncé says “if you like it, you should put a ring on it” – which is why I’ve had my dick pierced for 12yrs now

Whereas, I previously talked about my Prince Albert in my stand-up act by saying “I love my dick so much – I bought it jewelry”, I’m thinking this line about Beyoncé might work better. That’s good information to know.

I read live updates from the set of Iron Man via Jon Favreau’s Twitter. Found out about UCB appearances by Thomas Lennon, Weird Al, Chris Hardwick and Doug Benson. When Reno 9/11 was officially cancelled, I found out about it moments later because of Thomas Lennon’s Twitter update. Oh, and Danny Devito loves to post pics of his “troll feet” in interesting places.

Friends of mine will post restaurant and club recommendations, summarize an evening of debauchery, live-tweet a bad date, review movies & tv shows, post fascinating/funny links… you name it. Getting the occasional snapshot of your friends’ mental state is a fascinating thing.

The Twitter Hate

The funniest thing in the world to me about Twitter hate is that it generally comes from people who use “status updates” on MySpace and Facebook. Umm… you DO realize that’s the EXACT SAME FUCKING THING, right? The pleasant difference is – Twitter doesn’t have “friend requests”. You follow whomever you want, and if they want to be notified of new followers, they will be. If you “unfollow” someone, they’d have to manually check your profile and see that you weren’t following them anymore. There’s ZERO indication that you’ve stopped following their updates otherwise. This makes follow/unfollow into a nice, passive activity. And, something you can do or undo any time you want – in ONE CLICK. Sometimes, I’ll unfollow people for a few days because they’re live-tweeting something that doesn’t interest me and it’s taking over my Tweetie stream, and then I’ll follow them again a few days later when it’s died down. I go back and forth with Kevin Smith’s tweets because he gets a little out of control with the whole thing. Right now, I’m not following him.

Wrapping Up

Seriously, Twitter is amazing. It took me awhile to “get it”, but now… I just love the shit out of it. It’s not just entertaining, it’s also great for self-promotion, and learning new things, and seeing new sides of people I’d otherwise never know. It’s just an amazing bit of technology that seems simple and stupid but is a great example of letting a community define the utility.

Oh, and you can follow me here if you’d like.

Related posts:

1. How’s About some MITCZ, LIVE ON YOUR COMPUTER?!? (again)
2. New RevMitcz.com and MORE
3. Getting In Before Blasphemy Day

Related posts:

1. Note To Self..
2. New RevMitcz.com Frontpage
3. VIDEO : Rev. Mitcz’s 2nd Performance @ Aura Nightclub

That being said, it’s also very hard for me to get up the courage to put all of my work onto the written page. This is a labor of love for me. I’ve spent many years actively working on the material and I’d be lying if I said I haven’t, at least in some way, sort of spent my whole life trying to unravel the mysteries I’m trying to uncover in the book. So, putting that sample chapter up in the first place felt like inviting the whole world over to give me an in-depth physical. “Go ahead.. put a finger in my ass, complete stranger!”.

Now comes a veritable “moment of truth”. This chapter I’m seeding out (again in both PDF and MP3 formats) is the most representative work of the book. It’s the first non-introduction chapter of the book. It sets the stage for everything that comes after it. It’s brutally fucking honest. Men and women, both, will likely feel a sting of discomfort at some point in the course of the 7 pages of this chapter. And, frankly, I have no idea how the world at large will handle it.

This chapter encompasses my years of research and my personal interpretation of that data in a way that ties it all together to make a point that I feel needs making. This chapter is about the term “slut” – what it means for you, what it means for me, and what it absolutely does NOT mean.

It’s over twice as long as that first sample chapter (7 pages instead of 3) and my semi-dramatic reading of it clocks in at 18 mins, instead of 6 mins. I think the average reader could plow through it in under 12 mins – and the only friend of mine so far who’s read it managed to read it twice in 20 mins. So… your mileage may vary.

With all of that out of the way, if you’re ready..

Download the 1st chapter of my upcoming book by clicking here

As per usual, any and all comments are welcome and you can comment anonymously by sending an email to : book@revmitcz.com

Related posts:

1. My “Sex Book” Sample Chapter
2. Q & A : “Why Don’t You Have a Girlfriend?”
3. ReLaunch : RevMitcz.com v3.0

so I’ve been dating my boyfriend since <date removed> that makes it <a lot of> years… Before that I was dating this guy who had some issues and moved out to <another state>. Now I’m having some strong feelings towards him again….should I move out to <another state> or not?

My (shortened version) reply was..

For the love of all things you hold dear – DO NOT do this because you think some fantasy you’ve cooked up in your head is gonna work out for you, or that this guy’s suddenly gonna drop everything and agree with your mindset. People almost never change. They just get better at hiding the shit everyone’s whined to them about changing. Spend a few months with someone you think has changed and there’s a 99.9% chance you’ll see the unchanged-but-lying-to-themselves person rear their ugly head. And then you’ll stop and think “ohhh shit. NOW I remember why we broke up!”

To that end, I posted to Twitter :

your ex didn’t “change after you broke up”, they just got better at hiding what you didn’t like

…and I was RT’d several times. I even got re-posted by friends on Facebook. Apparently, I struck a nerve of truth. That’s always good to know. But, I think I should expound a bit, because it’s a fascinating subject. So, here we go..

I’m Not On My High Horse

I truly, really, am NOT trying to be a hypocrite. And, I’m not just bashing everyone’s exes so we can all get on the “yeah, to HELL with my ex!” train together. Hi, we’re ALL someone’s ex. I’m an ex, too. And, yeah, I’m no fan of my most recent ex.. she can suck 100 cocks in hell for all I give a shit. But, I’m her ex, and the above advice (and subsequent Twitter post) apply even to her.

When I met her, she read through a number of old blog posts of mine, watched my show (Aural Salvation) and paid attention to how I was about life, women, sex and relationships. One blog post in particular, I talked about why I didn’t have a girlfriend. The long-and-short of it at the time was “shit… I don’t even know what I want. It’s unfair to bring someone along for the ride that’s not going anywhere”. Though I wanted to hang onto her when I met her, I didn’t want an actual relationship. So, we had an open relationship for about a year and a half and… fuckitlongstoryblablabla had a closed relationship for the next year and a half. Moving on.

I can even remember her watching an old episode of the show where Nad and I discussed marriage and kids. I thought it was a hilarious episode, but she told me “I can’t watch you talk like that”. What she was taking issue with is that, while I said I wasn’t entirely opposed to marriage, “I’m not sure if I’ll ever find anyone I’d want to put up with for that long”. That’s an honest statement – and, yes, I still feel that way.

She, in her ongoing “woe is me” bullshit mindset, ignored the “I’M NOT SURE” part and instead heard “I’ll never put up with anyone that long”.

Over the years we were together, I had to more and more hide these old statements I made. I couldn’t watch archives of the show around her. I couldn’t mention old blog posts. My standup comedy eventually became devoid of any “so, one time… in bed… THIS happened” jokes.

Somehow, I convinced myself that I HAD changed. That I wasn’t “that guy” anymore. That I no longer had any interest in casual sex, and maybe a married-and-one-day-family life is just what I needed. She and I talked about that at great length, even. So, when these ideas popped up in her head about Mitcz The Philanderer, she increasingly became able to dismiss them.

When we broke up – the first time – I jumped into bed with just about every girl who so much as smiled at me. Oops.

Fast forward to our final breakup, earlier this year, and I moved back here to Hollywood. Literally a few hundred feet from where I lived when she met me. And guess what? I’m right back to how I was. I don’t consider this a flaw – it’s who the fuck I am. And I’m done making apologies for what I love about life and you can go fuck yourself if you want to pass judgment towards me about it. I love my life, and I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.

So, Do People Change?

Honestly? The answer is effectively NO.

That’s effectively. To speak from a statistical significance – if 1 out of 23892 people were shitting flowers, it’d still be safe to say “fecal matter smells”. It doesn’t mean ALWAYS, or IN EVERY SITUATION EVER. But, goddamnit… MOST of the time. The test I’ve been using for years is this..

If you’ve run into an old friend, or even an old ex, from YEARS ago and you’re thinking “I wonder if they do still that one thing“. Guess what? Get ‘em good and drunk, give it about 2 hours and you can make a small fortune betting on them doing that one thing over and over again.

Generally speaking, after about 19 years old, people are who they’re going to be for life. Sure, they’ll get smarter about shit (hopefully) and they might knock off a few of their more immature activities – but if they’ve got some personality defect like :

- They think they’re 100% right about everything
- They talk too damned much, and never let anyone finish a sentence
- They have a temper that gets fired like a fuckin’ hair-trigger
- They’re one of those loud, angry drunks
- They love drama and/or creating drama and/or like to whine about shit a lot

….that shit’s probably never going to change. Seriously. And I know every 5 years, you’ll run into them and they’ll make a very impassioned speech about how they used to be, and how they’ve “changed so much”, but run that drunk test on ‘em and you’ll see it. They’ll even get that crazy look in their eyes, the one that immediately transports you back to 5 years prior. They don’t need to be drunk for this test, mind you, but it usually takes a few weeks or months for them to get comfortable enough around you again to let their lying-ass guard down and let the crazy flag fly. Alcohol just speeds up the process.

Full-disclosure : when I was younger, I definitely tried to be right about everything and argued with everyone. I tried to justify every stupid little thing I did and I never apologized or said “you’re right, I’m wrong”. And, I talked a lot. So I was basically just a loud-mouth asshole. These days, I still talk way too much – but I’ve actively worked to change cutting anyone off or not giving anyone “the floor”. Not saying I don’t still probably talk twice as much as anyone else in the room, but it’s an ongoing change where I’m now actively seeking opportunities to just shut the hell up and listen, even asking questions that will lead others to talk at great lengths.

What have I actually changed about myself? Trying to be right all the time. Shit, I’ve been embarrassingly wrong in my life, many many many many times. And while I used to try and defend it – not so much anymore. I even go so far as to start sentences with “I could be wrong, but…” or “Well, as far as I know…” and when I get into a discussion of opinions where one person thinks “we should do this” and I think “no, we should do this”, I immediately try and find a compromise instead of convince them that they should give up their fight and concede to me.

I am by no means a perfect person and would never claim to be. I can say I’m a better person than I was – but that’s my only goal. To better myself and make myself a bit more tolerable to be around. Thing is – change comes from within. And, unless you drop your ego long enough to realize “holy shit… I was SO fucking wrong about that” on your own time, and feel a sense of guilt and shame, all you’ll ever do is hide that shit from people long enough to lure them in. And that, my friend, makes you an asshole.

Conclusion

Chances are, that ex of yours hasn’t changed the very thing that made your relationship fail in the first place. Compounding this is the fact that almost no one is ever 100% honest when they breakup. We all try to be soft about it. And, yeah, we’ll mention faults, but ultimately it ends with “….and I just don’t think it’s actually going anywhere” or “…but I just don’t think it’s gonna work out”. If you were actually honest with the person, they’d fuckin’ kill themselves. No one wants to hear..

“Look, I’ve seen you practically everyday for years now. I’ve lived with you and seen every side of you there is to see. And, frankly, you’re kind of a piece of shit. You’re selfish. You’re messy. You’re hypocritical. You’re needy. You’re judgmental. You make me feel like a lesser person when I LOVE the person I am and now I resent you for turning me against literally my closest friend – ME! Looking at you now feels like I’m staring at an STD. I want to warn the whole world to stay away from your crazy ass, because you’re nothing but hurt, lies, and misery”.

Yes, I wish I’d given that speech, too. But, I had my own bullshit reasons for trying to keep shit civil (not the least of which is that we still lived together and I didn’t wanna get stiffed on rent, or come home to find my shit broken or missing). The smart money, however, says – 10 years from now – she’ll still be selfish, jealous, hypocritical, and vindictive without reason. And, I’ll probably still talk too much (but hopefully, that’ll be even more of my job than it is now).

By comparison – 10 years from now, I’ll still get really excited when I see titties. And I’ll still be thinking “golly.. I’d like to have to sex with that woman” when I pass a hot girl in the street.

So, that ex never found out the real 100% reason you left them, so they’ll never think to change it. And, you might even have forgotten cause it’s some deep-seated shit that would take MONTHS to even uncover. Like, maybe, they have a low self image so they innocently flirt with other people to boost their ego but silently punish you for the same thing by doing minor things they know you hate and pretending they didn’t notice, or they forgot.

Wrapping it all up – don’t dig through your trash and don’t go back to your ex. There’s a maybe 1% chance it’ll work out, and while you’re trying to patch that shit up, you’re ignoring literally a world full of other people you could be with instead.

Related posts:

1. A Vow Of Celibacy, or A Bout of Insanity?
2. Oh, You Creep
3. Q & A : “Why Don’t You Have a Girlfriend?”

This is not unlike Kinsey (and our methods are pretty similar), although I’m not as smart and my research isn’t meant to be without bias. The purpose of my book is to help women feel more comfortable with their sexuality without judgment, while simultaneously urging men to stop passing said judgment. I know, it’s a lofty goal – but it’s one worth exploring.

Anyway, I’ve written a detailed outline for myself and it’s gotten some great response from the people I’ve shown it to so far. So, I went and wrote a sample chapter. I’m offering that chapter to you today.

DISCLAIMER : This chapter is not necessarily the writing style of the rest of the book. This is intended to be mostly conversational. This is also an out-of-context chapter, as it’s the only one in the book that’s specifically targeted towards male readers. Regardless of your gender, you’ll get a rough idea of the tone and philosophy behind the book, and that’s why I’m releasing it into the wild.

Below, you’ll find a link to a .zip file that contains the chapter in both a PDF and an audio (MP3) version of the chapter. I wanted to make sure it would be consumed in a book-like way, and not a blog entry, so consume either/both at your leisure.

All commentary is welcome, and if you’d like to stay anonymous (or at least only reveal your identity to me, and not the masses), you can email : book@revmitcz.com

Download the sample chapter PDF and MP3 as a .zip file by clicking here.

Thank you, drive-thru.

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1. Another Sample Chapter From My Book
2. Technosexual?
3. We Have Hijacked Your Baby

Why I Consider The Bible A Work of Fiction

Consider this important fact : there isn’t a single fact mentioned in The Bible which, at the time of its publishing, was unknown to science and has since been proven true. Not a single fucking thing. Read that sentence again if you must, and really let it sink in. If the creator of all life on earth and the universe itself was speaking directly to humans, inspiring them to write a book about it all, don’t you find it odd that “he” didn’t give a single iota of new scientific knowledge?

Funnier still, however, is that what little “science” you’d find in the bible was either well-known at the time or horribly fucking wrong. One quick example – a few years ago, Bill Nye (yes, THAT Bill Nye) was giving a speech at a college in Texas and quoted this passage in The Bible..

“God made two great lights – the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars.”
- Genesis 1:16

His scientific reaction, as you might imagine, wasn’t very supportive…

He pointed out that the sun, the “greater light,” is but one of countless stars and that the “lesser light” is the moon, which really is not a light at all, rather a reflector of light.

One article I read about it got passed around for a time, when it was brought to light that “some members” (no indication is given as to how many “some” is here, but let’s hope it’s a very small number) were upset by his remark and left the room. One woman even shouted “We believe in God!”.

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again : you can believe anything you want. But beliefs do not make it fact. I can believe I have a 14-inch cock. Hell, I might even be able to convince some people that it’s true through the power of an impassioned speech. Let’s say I even convinced a room full of people that my cock would’ve made John Holmes feel inadequate. But ya know.. dropping my pants would reveal the sad truth of the matter, and my newfound followers would bow their heads and give me a shameful “tsk, tsk, tsk”. This wouldn’t be an altogether uncommon reaction when my pants come off, but I digress.

The point I’m making is very simple – The Bible contributed exactly zero to science. Ever. And it never, ever will.

Want To Fight About It?

I really have zero desire to get into a lengthy religious debate. I gave that shit up in my early 20s, at latest. You keep on believing whatever helps you to sleep at night. Fine by me. If it gives you a moral standing and helps you to be a good person – hey, more power to ya. I’m not here to piss in your Cheerios, man.

If you just have to say something cause, “golly garsh, man.. that Mitcz fucker really chapped my hide by talking smack about The Bible”, well.. go right ahead. Just don’t expect me to give a shit.

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2. A Vow Of Celibacy, or A Bout of Insanity?
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This was the man (well, boy, really.. he was actually 26 days younger than me) who introduced me to D&D and roleplaying.. Introduced me to martial arts. To Frank Frazetta. He taught me how to throw shurikens, wield nunchuks, and eventually how to throw knives. Most of this occurred before we were 10 years old.

From there, we moved onto making our own non-lethal weaponry so we could spar with each other. By the time we were about 13 years old, he and I would hold knife-fighting competitions in the empty desert lot behind his house. That’s where I got my first (and so far, only) not-self-inflicted knife wound. I also stabbed a mutual friend of ours in the leg, which none of us thought was a big deal at the time, but that friend’s mother “banned me” from ever going into his house. Suddenly, Kevin’s mom started wondering if maybe I was maladjusted. Telling her “c’mon, we were all just fucking around – look, I’ve got a knife wound, too!” didn’t help matters.

Kevin was the person who introduced me to classic punk, when I was 12 years old. We even started our own punk band – Flaming Urine (I don’t think Flaming Lips existed at the time, that name was just something Kevin thought would get people’s attention). We made t-shirts for the band out of puffy paint, featuring an upside-down toilet dripping urine into a wine glass on fire, and I got into a fight in 7th grade when some jock tried to light the shirt on fire while I was wearing it. Hanging over at Kevin’s place and writing angry, screamy punk songs about slaughtering said jocks really helped me get through that time.

Together, we attended our first concert, at 13 years old, which was Social Distortion supporting The Ramones. At the time, we had no idea who The Ramones were. We were there for Social D. After the show, we both picked up a few Ramones albums and that became a soundtrack for our shenanigans for a little while. I can remember asking my sister to take us to a crusty underground punk club in downtown Phoenix to see Green Day (this would’ve been just before the release of Dookie). Her respons was “I’m not taking you to see some stupid punk band… jesus, Mitcz, you’re 14 years old”. Almost a year to the day later, my sister would pull up to our house in her Jeep, rocking Dookie and asked me “have you HEARD this band, Green Day? They’re amazing”. *Le sigh*.

In my freshman year of high school, his girlfriend was transferred to my school. Nad and I immediately befriended her because it was like having a piece of Kevin with us in our crew. And, it increased our odds of seeing him at some point. Didn’t hurt that she was a gorgeous punk chick and we were (and, frankly, still are) a couple of geeks with good taste in music.

He got wilder and wilder over the years. I remember him coming to visit me one summer afternoon and my mother almost screamed cause he walked in with about 10 safety pins throughout his ears and face, and only one lock of green hair on an otherwise shaved head. A little while later, he started moving beyond just smoking a little weed and was getting into coke and speed.

Since he lived on the other side of town from me, as I grew up, I ended up moving further and further away from him. By the time I graduated high school, I hadn’t seen him in probably 2+ years.

During a short trip to Phoenix while I was living in Seatlle, back in ‘99, I saw him at the mall. He looked all fucked up. He had this strange, disheveled look on his face, was thoroughly unwashed, and told me “you look good, man”. He was impressed that I was running a web design business in Seattle. My life imitated the movie SLC Punk when the conversation ended, as he said “so, uh… how ’bout kickin’ a couple bucks to your old pal, Kevin? I could really use it, man. I’m …. ya know, I’ve just been couch surfin’. Me and the backpack”. I couldn’t tell you if I gave him any money, but I remember a piece of me dying as I sat there and looked at him. This was my fuckin’ hero. Reduced to panhandling at the fucking mall and living out of a fucking backpack.

That was the last I ever saw of him. And I always wondered if he managed to get back up on his feet again. This was a man with amazing potential, incredibly brilliant, charming.. you name it. Honestly, everyone I ever introduced him to wanted to be his best friend within minutes.

So, tonight I went Googling. I was pleased to find posts he’d made on a number of spiritual websites, where he was looking for other buddhists to convene and meditate with. A few clicks later, it appeared he had a nice little group going, and even found a temple he could hold gatherings at. The few photos I could find throughout those sites showed a grown, 30 year old Kevin. Clean, clean shaven, looking healthy, slim (but not scrawny), and he seemed very happy. Way to go, man. Fuckin’ rock on. He even had a meetup group where he was helping people learn French. When the hell did he learn French? Crazy motherfucking genius probably learned it in his sleep.

A few clicks later, there’s mentions of a church. I thought maybe his spiritual quest had led him to Christianity or some such thing. A few clicks later, and it all made sense…

He passed away back in February. A mere 7 months ago.

Had I done this search before then, I could’ve connected with him. Maybe even had lunch with him on one of my occasional trips to Phoenix. The obituary was pretty short on words, but it mentioned “a long, hard battle”. I wonder if he had Cancer, as that would probably explain the sudden interest in Buddhism. I’d contact his family, as their information is contained in the obit. But, they probably wouldn’t talk to me, and it’d probably be painful to have to connect with yet another friend of Kevin’s. God knows they’ve probably had enough of those. His mom would likely still think I was a maladjusted, though now fully-grown, boy.

So, Kevin… I’m sorry. I should’ve stayed in contact with you. I should’ve at least made an effort. I’m a terrible friend sometimes, and I wouldn’t be half the person I am had it not been for you. Hell, I’m still just a geeky little fuck-up, but I’d like to think you’d be proud.

Rest well…

Related posts:

1. The Most Important Metal Bands of All Time
2. My Evening with Skinny Puppy
3. All Energy Flows According to the Whim of the Great Magnet

I told her that if I were to ask, say, anyone who would respond to such a question who would be included in a list of top 5 most important metal bands of all time, everyone would at least mention Iron Maiden.

To that end, I posted on Twitter (and by extension, Facebook) a question : “What would you consider the TOP FIVE MOST IMPORTANT METAL BANDS OF ALL TIME?”

Before I post the results, let me clarify some things :
1. “Most Important” doesn’t mean “bands you rocked out to more than any other”
2. This is strictly a “metal” list. Hard rock/Classic Rock/Industrial doesn’t count.
3. Album sales definitely have an impact on importance but, for instance, Slipknot’s album sales will NEVER mean shit to oldschool metalheads. And, frankly, they shouldn’t. Slipknot sucks. Get over it.

The List

Here, then, is the full list of bands (in alphabetical order) that were suggested as “most important ever”, in parenthesis is the percentage of times the band was included in people’s answers. If you see a “*”, that means a special note.

• AC/DC (40%)
• Black Sabbath (100%)
• Deep Purple (1%)*
• Gwar (1%)*
• Iron Maiden (98%)*
• Judas Priest (27%)
• KISS (20%)
• Led Zeppelin (60%)
• Mayhem | (1%)*
• Metallica (65%)
• Motley Crue (30%)
• Motorhead (20%)
• Pantera (35%)
• Possessed (1%)*
• Slayer (40%)
• Throbbing Gristle(1%)*
• Tool (5%)
• Venom (1%)*

Deep Purple = Suggested by one voter. Not sure that even counts as “metal”, but included for prosperity.

Gwar = Also suggested by one person. Though I love Gwar, I don’t think they are/were “important to metal”.

Venom, Mayhem, Possessed = All suggested by Shane Bugbee. Amazing and wonderful motherfucker. You should take a moment to vote for him to give a speech at SXSW by clicking here because the story of how he produced an underground documentary about America on zero budget is astonishing — and I say that as a personal friend AND a fan of his.

Iron Maiden = Technically, Iron Maiden got 100% of the vote (along with Black Sabbath), but two people voted twice by coming back later to include Iron Maiden. I’m guessing they saw other people’s comments and added Maiden after the fact.0

Throbbing Gristle = One person voted for this band. In a list of “Top 5 most important INDUSTRIAL bands”, I’d expect this. But they had zero impact on metal. That person conceded as much, and said “okay…. Motley Crue, then” as their 5th choice.

My “top 5″ List

Honestly, I’m trying to stay as unbiased as I can. But, I’ll give my “top 5 most important” and explain why they made it while others didn’t.

Black Sabbath
Does this really need an explanation? 100% of people who heard “important metal” listed Black Sabbath. WIthout question, they are the most important metal band of all time, and are easily in the top 10 for most important bands of all time, regardless of genre. Am I the only one that finds it fascinating that they’re also the only successful band from the late 60s whose original members are all still alive? This includes Ozzy, who apparently was so bored snorting every drug known to man that he even snorted fucking ants. That he’s still alive says to me that he and Satan are close friends. Or that Sharon is Satan’s daughter and she keeps telling her dad that “he’s actually a really nice guy” and he can’t bear to break his little daughter’s heart by killing Ozzy.

Iron Maiden
Take a listen to Killers and you’ll hear the end of punk progressing into the beginning of speed metal. When Bruce Dickinson took the helm as a vocalist, it’s almost as if he introduced the very concept of higher-pitched vocals for metal. That they’ve consistently released albums for almost 25 years speaks to their importance. Surprisingly, they’ve also never sold out to some new genre/style that was popular at the time, either. My personal favorite album of theirs is Seventh Son of a Seventh Son and I can still hear traces of it in A Matter of Life and Death. This might explain why they’ve managed to sell over 70 million records.

Metallica
You can safely ignore everything that happened after …And Justice For All and you’d still have 4 of the greatest albums ever released to the world of metal (or, up-for-debate, across any genre). In fact, what made their self-titled “black album” so upsetting for us longtime fans was that they just got amazingly better throughout each album. To top Justice would’ve been an amazing feat, so I can’t say I’m surprised they didn’t accomplish that goal. As far as I’m concerned, they all died in a terrible accident just after that album and were replaced with clones who looked identical, but had almost none of the talent of their original donors. Still, you can’t underestimate the fact that they’ve sold over 100 million records.

Slayer
I’ll admit – I’m not a big fan of Slayer. But I’d be an asshole and a liar to ignore their impact on the world of metal. They’ve consistently been harder and faster than almost any band out there and they’ve stuck to a formula that works and gets the fans in a whirlwhind throughout the last 28 years, spanning 10 studio albums and 2 live albums totalling roughly 10 million album sales.

Pantera
As far as I’m concerned – the aforementioned 4 bands are mandatory. Whoever you pick as the fifth is just personal opinion. And, in my personal opinion, Pantera was immensely important. They kept the metal scene alive when bands were under-selling, over-producing, and just generally dropping the ball, while shit-ass “neu metal” acts stole the spotlight with mediocre attempts at compiling the masses. I’m looking at you, Slipknot (who, for the record, still sucks), POD (who sucks even worse because they’re metal for Jesus. Umm.. that’s illegal in the metal world, you fuckin’ pansies) and Limp Bizkit (don’t even get me started on these panty-wastes). I also maintain that Great Southern Trendkill is as hard and fast as metal is allowed to go before you’re just singing along to the lead guitarist to prove a point. That theory was proved when even Pantera themselves had to slow down for their lackluster follow-up album Reinventing The Steel (an album that was “too little, too late” as far as I’m concerned). This is also the time to say that while I would love to see a reunion tour, this is one of the few bands that I doubt could ever make it happen not because of the death of their lead singer. To me, Pantera was a whole unit and there’s no way they could kick your face in without Dimebag (or, frankly, any other member of the band). But, it bears repeating – Dimebag Darrell was one of the greatest guitarists in history and arguably the greatest metal guitarist of all time.

Further Thoughts

I was surprised no one mentioned Anthrax, Guns N Roses, or Megadeth. While I wouldn’t personally include any of them in the “top 5 most important ever” list – I can’t say they wouldn’t all easily fit into the top 10. Hell, I’d question the sanity of anyone who wouldn’t place them all in the top 10.

As for Led Zeppelin – I don’t really consider them metal. Hard rock? Sure. Classic Rock? Definitely. But, while I have no doubt they made an influence on a great many metal bands (and by extension, metal fans), I don’t feel right including them in the genre of “metal”. Moreover, every band since the 1950s seems to point to The Beatles as an influence, but I wouldn’t include them in a list of Top 5 Jazz Bands, either.

I’m sure this list will offend a great many people, and I welcome any reponses – but, please take a moment to explain WHY it offended you. It’s only fair.

Related posts:

1. Constantly Nerding Out
2. Dispatches of “Truth” pt 1
3. My Life As An Extra : Part 1

I have a new application on my phone that lets me stream LIVE video all over the world at the push of a button. I’ve run some tests, and it works great. The quality could be better, but c’mon.. it’s like having a TV broadcast tower in my damned pocket.

So, I’ve decided I’m gonna try something all-new for my next gig (this Thursday, Aug 20th) – I’ll be streaming my entire performance LIVE.

You’ll get a few mins of pre-show, maybe just me watching other comics. Maybe just me having a pre-show drink and smoke. Who knows. I’m playing it by ear. Then, I’ll do my full performance, and … who knows what happens afterwards.

Oh, and did I mention you can also CHAT, LIVE (I have to put LIVE in all caps, cause it’s that important) with EVERYONE ELSE who’s also watching?

I know what you’re thinking…
“Hot damn, Mitcz. That sounds great! What’s it gonna cost me? How do I get in on this sweet LIVE Mitcz action?”

For one – it’s 100% FREE. No plugins to download. No bullshit registration crap. Nada. Just hop on and watch.

HOW TO GET IN ON THAT SWEET LIVE MITCZ ACTION..

You’ve got two options here :

1. If you’re on Twitter, you can follow me and you’ll see my Twitter update the second I’m streaming live.

2. You could just go directly to http://qik.com/revmitcz between 10pm – 11pm PST (”California time”) and wait for the live stream to kick on.

I don’t know when I’ll be taking the stage, I only know the show runs from about 10pm until about 11pm (or so). It won’t be a very long set (weekday shows are generally “practice time”), but.. I figured I’d give this a shot and see what happens.

Mkay. See ya then? (err.. you’ll see me … fuck it. you get the idea)

Related posts:

1. M+TV Reminder
2. VIDEO : Rev. Mitcz @ Aura Nightclub (Sept. 19th)
3. My Name is Mitcz, and I’m Addicted to Twitter

Moreover, I also pick out behaviors I despise in others and tell myself to avoid inching ever closer to having them myself. The unfortunate side effect of this is that, in moderation, most “bad” behavior is actually good. And normal. Even worth celebrating. When I go too far out of my way to avoid what I find “bad behavior” in others, I risk losing an essential piece of what’s made me…. ya know, ME.

Helluva way to start a blog, but there’s a point a-comin’, I promise. Let’s talk about creeps and creepy behavior.

It’s no secret that I’m full-on single for the first time in almost 3 years. This means I’ve gone back to a Mitcz I was far more comfortable with – the single Mitcz. Who takes opportunities and runs with them. Meeting new people whenever there’s a chance and.. yeah, maybe there’s a date with someone new here and there (specifics withheld to protect the innocent and um.. not-so-innocent).

One thing I’ve seen/heard a lot of over the years is the overwhelmingly creepy behavior of people. Mostly men, sad as it is to say. What women admire and are attracted to above all other things is COMFORT. I could get into a rant on just that alone, but suffice to say that creepy behavior is the world’s biggest turnoff.

So, I’ve become paranoid about being creepy. To such an extent, in fact, that women have recently considered me timid and shy on dates.

Yes, me. The guy who’s stand-up has opened with jokes about baby rape and necrophilia. The guy who spent 4-5 nights a week for over 2 years getting women to flash tits on an internet TV show. The guy who went into the bathroom with my reality show date’s friend to play show-and-tell (oops.. I’m still under contract. pretend I didn’t say that).

But, now I’m timid and shy. And… much as it pains me to say, a bit of a pussy.

How the fuck did that happen?

The grey line.

Look, women tend to dig on a man who’s confident, self-assured, dominant and (sometimes) a bit rough. And that’s great in theory, but… hey, no one likes a rapist. So, you can’t just go around groping women and jerking off in their face at the first sign of a “hello, what’s your name?”.

And therein lies the rub. Because I love talking intimately about sex, and I love the little secrets women hold about their sexuality, I get into these long conversations that I adore the fuck out of. About the first time they saw a penis, first time they held a penis, orgasms, squirting, awkwardness in bed, their penchant for rough sex, you name it. And, because I’m not using this conversation as an interview for potential bedmates, I go out of my way to seem non-threatening. Like I’m Alfred Kinsey or some shit. Or, as they’re more likely to think… their non-threatening gay friend.

This is where it stands, then. I try to not be a creep and I’ve backed myself into situations where women think “aww.. little puppy”. G’damnit, woman, I will cum in your fucking eye.

Just.. ya know, not before I go down on you or something. I’m still a chivalrist.

Related posts:

1. Q & A : “Why Don’t You Have a Girlfriend?”
2. I’m Writing a Book and I Need Your Help..
3. A Vow Of Celibacy, or A Bout of Insanity?

In this video, I discuss :
- Why I haven’t done a new Mitcz : The Expert video in a while
- What I’ve been up to
- All the ridiculous/depressing/happy/wild shit that’s happened to me in the past year
- How to stalk me
- How to find more of my stand-up comedy videos
- How to get me to your town
- My appearance on Bad Girls Club
- a lot of other shit

Let me know if it was worth watching. And, of course, send in more questions :)

Related posts:

1. Mitcz : The Expert, Episode 2
2. My YouTube Channel is GONE : But there’s good news, and more videos.
3. Dustin’ off the Keys for an Update

First and foremost, here’s a basic idea for how the shirts might look (a few different styles/colors cause nothing’s finalized yet)

And a close-up of one of the designs :

Now for the initial dilemma : would anyone buy one? To that end, I’ve setup a poll here on the site, and you can vote right now :

The next dilemma (and, yes, I encourage honest commentary on this) is that there’s two routes I could go. Zazzle or Self-Produced. They each have their ups and their downs. Here’s the basic breakdown :

Zazzle

Benefits :
- I can make almost unlimited designs, and never have to be to stuck with designs that won’t sell
- I can update/change/add designs as I deem necessary
- I don’t have to worry about billing, shipping, taxes, etc.
- You’re buying from a trusted 3rd party and not some fucked-up comedian

Detractions :
- Way more expensive for the end-user (that’s you)
- I don’t make as much money per sale as I would doing it myself
- I don’t yet know the quality of the material used for the shirts
- I feel like a schmuck using a 3rd party “anyone can make a shirt through us” service

Self-Produced

Benefits :
- Way less expensive for the end-user (again, that’s you)
- Higher profit margin for me
- I would be using materials / shirts that I know are of high-quality
- The printing would be higher quality as well
- I don’t feel like a schmuck, cause it’s the fancy way to go

Detractions :
- Since I’d have to buy in bulk, ahead of time, I’m limited to which designs I could use
- I’d have to figure out billing, shipping, taxes on my own (though using PayPal for payments would ease 2/3 of those)
- Once they’re printed, that’s it. No changes can be made, and if they don’t sell… I’m stuck with bad product I can’t unload.

One final dilemma (especially worrying if I go the self-produced route) is.. what look/text should I go with? I want these to be jarring, but funny — like me! Here, then, are a few ideas I’ve kicked around. An asterisk ( * ) means I feel really good about the tagline, and an arrow ( -> ) means a new line (for multi-line taglines beneath the logo).

UNISEX :

- keep comedy evil* (this is sort of my “thing”, so if I only made one tagline, this would be it)
- fuck safe* (i like this one because it’s slightly ambiguous. it really means “to hell with ’safe’ comedy and being PC”, but some people might think it’s a reminder to use condoms.. which I also support)
- mitcz is my -> new satan.
- purveyor of -> quality dick jokes.*
- catnip : cats -> cocaine : strippers
- don’t be so suburban

MALE :

- let’s get gay.
- i love my dick so much -> i bought it jewelry*
- not dating material*

FEMALE :

- mitcz can -> fist my cunt*
- i will punch you -> in the cunt*
- women are the devil -> and you love it.*
- staring at these -> will alter your decisions.*
- heh. titties.
- heh. pussy.
- what’s a hot, large-breasted -> sexually-adventurous -> young woman to do?

Please vote in the poll above, and if you have an extra moment, shoot off a comment (or email me) to let me know which designs/taglines you’d actually wear. (example : “I’d buy and wear the white logo on a black shirt, with the tagline “keep comedy evil”).

Thank you for your time.

Related posts:

1. Mitcz.com Redesign, and a new logo
2. How’s About some MITCZ, LIVE ON YOUR COMPUTER?!? (again)
3. VIDEO : Rev. Mitcz @ Shooters (30 MINS!)

Along with the redesign, I’ve unveiled the new logo for all things Mitcz. It’s something I sketched out about a year ago, but never got around to actually finalizing. Last weekend, I did. Last night, I finally used it somewhere.

If you’d like a closer look, here’s the semi-final Mitcz Industries (tongue firmly planted in cheek on that one) logo…

As for the blog – you’ll notice a few new things here, some enhancements, and obviously a whole new look. One of the best things about this new design is how much more readable the entries are. The line spacing, font size and color scheme really invite your eyes to keep going.

For years, I’ve wanted to project “evil…. but classy” throughout my projects / marketing, for reasons I’ll explain another time, and I feel like I finally nailed that goal with the current Mitcz.com design. I’m really happy with this new look, and it almost makes me want to redesign RevMitcz.com again. I neither have the time nor energy to do that right now, so it’s on the backburner.

Who knows, maybe this new look will inspire me to blog more often, too. We shall see.

Related posts:

1. New Mitcz.com
2. ReLaunch : RevMitcz.com v3.0
3. Mitcz on your shirt – yes or no?

It seems TEH INTARWEBZ are all a flutter (can’t say all atwitter anymore, thx you guys) about concept art and imagery released to build up the hype machine surround Tim Burton’s “re-imagining” of Alice in Wonderland. While many are excited, I feel an equal mix of worry, anger, disappointment and confusion.

Why confusion? Well, it seems to me that many of you have forgotten how many times Tim Burton has smeared fecal matter on celluloid and you’re ready for him to fuck you in eye sockets yet again. How lovely. Maybe that’s his secret appeal, though. Maybe that’s why studios continue to give him money. Call it artistic amnesia if you will. Sure, he’s always had intense and amazing visuals in his films (this is to his credit), but maybe some of you let that cloud your memory banks and you wake up the next day only remembering his dream-like dark worlds and little else. Not unlike the time your uncle touched your bathing suit area, and you don’t even think about it anymore and would sooner pretend it never happened until… well, some asshole like me brings it up.

Sorry about that. You wanna show me on the doll wher…. nevermind. Let’s just move on.

To cure a small corner of the internet of this artistic amnesia it seems to be suffering, let’s take a quick walk through Tim Burton’s cinematic guano[2].

I’m leaving out Ed Wood and Mars Attacks because, while not exactly “great cinema”, I can appreciate that the dude was having campy fun with shit no one cares enough about to protest. And, hey, they’re not too shabby.

Sleepy Hollow

To me, this is the high-water mark from which you can see his movies slip further into unwatchable crap. At the time he was making this film, he stood atop a grand mountain. High up there, sitting on the success of Edward Scissorhands, BeetleJuice, Nightmare Before Christmas, 2 Batman films, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure .. and, hell, even James and the Giant Peach to some degree, he must’ve sat and thought “From way up here.. I can shit on a lot more people’s heads”.

And so he did. And he did it by taking one of my favorite childhood short stories (and probably many of yours) and turning it into some film student’s half-assed attempt to put way too much fucking thought into something so simple. You’ve got a headless fucking horseman! And Johnny Depp! And millions of dollars budgeted! And a beloved tale! And…. you turned it into an episode of Scooby fucking Doo?

If you don’t remember the plot, here it is :
Johnny Depp is an investigator from New York sent to Sleepy Hollow to look into some beheadings. He doesn’t believe in ghosts and ghouls (how fucking original), so he sets out to solve the case with SCIENCE! Alas, science doesn’t win cause an evil witch stole the skull of the headless horseman (not sure how one manages that feat, but hey… she’s a witch!) and she commands the horseman to, ya know, go forth and do her bidding. Johnny Depp gets the skull back, gives it the horseman and he drags the witch to hell. That’ll show her!

Planet of the Apes

Seriously? Fucking SERIOUSLY? Now, I know you younger kids like your movies action-packed and all that backstory and endless dialogue really chaps your hide (what do you kids wear on your hides these days? girl jeans, right? Pussies.), but there’s a pretty important element in the original POTA. You see, the humans are treated BY APES the way apes are (ostensibly, and for the time the movie was released) treated BY HUMANS. To the apes, humans are morons. They’ve not the capacity to speak, or think grandiose thoughts, or… barely even wipe their asses. They are kept in cages because, as the apes long ago learned, humans do some pretty unruly shit. This is why the scene where Charlton Heston says “get your hands off me, you damned dirty apes” is such a big deal. No, it wasn’t the usage of “damn”, but it’s .. “HOLY SHIT! THE HUMANS CAN TALK!” and suddenly it fucks up their whole society cause they always thought humans were complete fucking morons. That they could talk unravels the very fabric of their reality.

In Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes, the humans are talking the whole time. They’re just, for no discernible reason, being treated like shit by some kind of super-human (well, super-monkey, I guess) apes. No rhyme, no reason. No backstory. No big revelation. Just “hey, we can jump 40 feet in the air! We’re so much better than those humans. We should, like, take over shit”. Ooga booga.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Here’s TIm Burton, reaching far back into the recesses of my mind where everything I hold dear from my childhood hides out, hoping no one will get to them and.. he just smacked it around like a little bitch and tried fucking it in the ear. Probably took photos, too, the sick fuck.

I’m not going to go into great detail on why this remake was not only unnecessary, but also near-insulting to fans of the original. Once again, however, we have quite a lack of backstory on the children. The importance of the golden ticket isn’t played up NEARLY as much as it should’ve been — and the humor behind the world’s search for said tickets in the original is one of the greatest moments in the history of cinema. In Tim Burton’s version? A few minutes here and there, with some fucked up fascination Burton seems to have with proper dental care. His Willy Wonka also has some deep-seated daddy issues that made him basically run the factory just to piss off his daddy. Thanks, Burton. That’s a WAY better story. Oh, and he also left out all my favorite fucked-up shit going on in the original[3]. That shit’s character-building, motherfucker.

Sweeney Todd

I don’t know anything about the original musical. The few people I’ve known that did, however, have said the movie adaptation was mostly a pile of campy shit. The female amongst them added the obligatory “…but Johnny Depp wielding a straight razor made me wet”[4]. I’m not in a position of knowledge on the comparison, but I can say I left the theatre thinking “gosh… I sure wish I’d have used that 2 hours watching my dick wiggle instead”.

A hope, and a Plea

Admittedly, I have enjoyed quite a lot of Tim Burton’s work. I’m still on the fence about Batman Returns, but I own it and I’ve watched it.. maybe twice in my life. It’s decent. Though, compared to Nolan’s rebooted versions, neither of Burton’s originals are worth a shit. But then, I also have a soft spot for Michael Keaton cause he was Mister fucking Mom!

My hope in writing this is to remind everyone that Tim Burton has done a LOT wrong, and if he were anyone else, I’d half expect some angry nerd to have lit his house on fire by now (this is not a plea, it is a joke. Don’t burn anyone’s house down, least of all Tim Burton’s).

And, Mr. Burton, for the love of all things once wonderful and sacred PLEASE don’t fuck this shit up. I won’t be seeing it in the theatres anyway, cause I only let people piss in my eyes so many times before I learn to say “no” when they ask if I “want another drink there, big fella?”. But when I pirate the fucker, I might one day consider buying the DVD if it’s not as full of suck as I’m betting a shiny angry fist it will be.

Quick Notes

1. Julene told me to write this. Read her blog, too. She’s funny. And she shows her tits on there a lot.
2. Guano is bat dung. Yes, I’m aware of the irony. We call this “humor”.
3. You can see what I mean right here
4. Hey ladies – I use a straight razor, too. I’m no Johnny Depp, but uhh.. I have a lot of his DVDs.

Related posts:

1. Getting In Before Blasphemy Day
2. A Vow Of Celibacy, or A Bout of Insanity?
3. Hi, I’m a jackass. Er.. geek. Designer geek.

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1. New RevMitcz.com Frontpage
2. Tell Her the Truth! (and avoid those silly woman questions)
3. My New Place : A Visual Tour