Neurodiversity by the Numbers

(Source for stats above)

•  It’s estimated that anywhere between 20% to 40% of the population is considered neurodivergent
• Based on different studies, between 15-20% of the population is neurodiverse — including up to 10% of people who are diagnosed with dyslexia, 5% diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and 1-2% with autism
• Between 10% and 20% of the global population is considered neurodivergent, according to research from Deloitte
• According to Return On Disability Group, although 90% of companies claim to prioritize diversity, only 4% consider disability in those initiatives
• According to a recent Bloomberg Law survey, 72% of respondents currently have metrics to track diversity, and of those 72%, only 17% reported that their organization is tracking neurodiversity
• Half of all leaders and managers would not employ a neurodivergent person

Learning Resources

• The Employer Assistance and Resource Network on Disability Inclusion (EARN)
  • Neurodiversity in the Workplace Guide
  • Great list of Neurodiversity in the Workplace Resources
• Disability:IN
  • Neurodiversity at Work Playbook: Employee Engagement & Growth Series
  • Neurodiversity Inclusion: Checklist for Organizational Success
  • General Framework for Neurodiversity at Work Pilots [PDF]
  • Inclusion@Work: A Framework for Building a Disability-Inclusive Organization
• JAN: Job Accommodation Network
  • Accommodation Solutions for Neurodivergent Workers (webcast recording, slides & transcript)
  • Accommodation Solutions for Individuals with Executive Functioning Deficits
• LinkedIn Learning: Hiring and Supporting Neurodiversity in the Workplace
• Uptimize webinar series on neurodiversity in the workplace
• Personal User Manual example with instructions and templates from Atlassian
• “Manual of Me” template

Articles

(I have dozens–actually, more like hundreds probably, of articles bookmarked–here are just a few for now)

• How Neurodiversity at Work Fits Into “Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion”
• Neurodiversity as a Competitive Advantage
• Global survey: The workplace is failing a major demographic
• What Is the Economic Impact of Hiring Autistic, Neurodivergent and Disabled Talent? Here’s What You Should Know.
• When Great Minds Don’t Think Alike
• Why Neurodiversity Remains DEI’s Least-Tracked Metric
• Workplace neurodiversity is important to Gen Zers
• Neurodiversity As A Strengthening Point For Your Team And Our Society
• Providing Performance Feedback to Support Neurodiverse Employees
• This neurodiversity handbook should be a prototype for all workplaces

Ok, I feel better now lol.

In case you’re new here and are wondering why I’m suddenly focusing on neurodiversity, especially in the context of the workplace? Because I’m neurodivergent and I’ve only learned most of this stuff over the past few years, so it’s all pretty new to me…and also, sadly, pretty much absent from any of the DEI/hiring initiatives of any company–especially association–I’ve ever encountered. It’s also extremely frustrating because, like all things you learn only in hindsight, so much of this stuff explains my job-hopping, angst-laden career path over the past 10-15 years. How did I never know that having ADHD has such a big impact on so many areas of life, especially as relates to work? How did no therapist (and I’ve had MANY) ever know this stuff or point it out to me or offer suggestions/help? Actually, I take that back–my current therapist was the first; I’ve since done several rounds of coaching, read/listened to a ton of books/podcasts and generally continue to self-tutor/guide my end of the bargain in terms of trying to make myself be able to fit into neurotypical work world. 

Of course I’m not the only one who has spent their life working to fit into situations and institutions not made for their brain. Which is why if companies are going to commit to DEI and back-pat about being inclusive and non-discriminatory, it’s not ok that neurodiversity is just not even part of the conversation. It’s not ok that DEI consultants aren’t addressing this. It’s not ok that the only people who are raising awareness about all the facets of neurodiversity are the people with lived experience. It’s time that neurodiversity stop being the invisible diversity; the diversity that’s missing from almost all diversity initiatives in the US. I can keep bookmarking and learning and sharing and doing the work I’m doing, but it sure would be nice if HR and execs and DEI consultants and neurotypical people in workplaces could at least meet me/people like me halfway. Even a quarter of the way would be a good start. 

Remember that other time I wrote about the diversity that is totally missing from any discourse about DEI, neurodiversity? I’ve actually done quite a bit of reading, writing, learning and even speaking about the topic, and once my current glut of all work/no play is over, I intend to get back to it because I really think it’s well past time to start talking about the importance of different brains in the workplace and, accordingly, the importance of including neurodiversity as part of any DEI initiative.

I’ll come back for the neurodiversity part–in the meantime, here’s a handout [PDF] I created for a panel I was part of at the now-disbanded (don’t even get me started) Association Media & Publishing conference panel on the importance of understanding/embracing neurodiversity in the workplace.

If you know anything about ADHD, especially in adults, you’re probably familiar with the concept of the ADHD tax. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, especially in relation to the non-financial burdens that are just part and parcel of being neurodivergent. (BTW, I’ll stop here and clarify/point out that when I use the term neurodivergent/neurodiversity, here’s a good explanation of what I mean, from the excellent EARN website.)

Neurodiversity describes the natural way that people think, learn, perceive the world, interact, and process information differently. Different ways of thinking, learning, perceiving the world, and interacting with others helps organizations thrive, as a workforce that includes people with a variety of perspectives, backgrounds and experiences can improve creativity, innovation and problem solving.

Neurodivergent people include autistic people; people with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and other mental health conditions; and people with learning disabilities. This group also includes people with other intellectual and developmental disabilities and a wide range of conditions that can shape thinking, learning, and perceiving the world. In contrast, people whose brains and nervous systems function “typically” are known as neurotypical people. A workplace that supports all types of ways to think, learn, interact, and perceive the world supports neurodiversity.

Increasingly, many people in the U.S. and around the world identify as neurodivergent. Research suggests that up to 15-20% of the U.S. population is neurodivergent. You likely know, work alongside, and socialize with a significant number of people who are neurodivergent, including family members, coworkers, colleagues, and friends. No two neurodivergent people are exactly alike. Thus, each neurodivergent person will bring a different set of skills and talents to the workplace and have different access and support needs.

EARN, “Defining Neurodiversity and Neurodivergence”

So back to the ADHD tax because…well, I’ll write about time blindness next time…

Being self-employed has its pros and cons. For me, that’s definitely true; however, it’s been leaning much further into cons territory for a while now. The isolation, the lack of ability to plan/earn a reliable income, all the costs and time-sucks that come with being a business owner, etc. I don’t have a stat handy on this and don’t have time to find one, but a lot of neurodivergent people are underemployed, unemployed or self-employed. Essentially that’s because, at least in my case, after spending years trying to navigate workplace politics, commuting, being able to focus and be productive from 9 am – 5 pm in an office environment, etc, it just seemed easier in a lot of respects to work for myself.

That’s great…if you want to be self-employed. But at the same time, it’s also really sad and hard, to be honest. And it also highlights why workplaces really need to start understanding neurodiversity and the imperative of including it as part of DEI efforts both strategic and in terms of hiring/employee engagement/retention. I want to work. I have great skills and great references. The fact that, like other ADHD tax things, finding, applying and interviewing for, being hired and being able to do my best work/be an asset to an organization–it just seems so elusive…and it absolutely shouldn’t. Not just for me–for the myriad neurodivergent people in the US (I say US because outside the US, neurodiversity is much more accepted and integrated into workplace initiatives).

So anyway, that’s my thought for the day, as I get down to business and try to ignore the gnawing anxiety that, come November, it’s back to the drawing board in terms of finding paid work. And given the association job market/my experience trying to get hired for a good four month period, it seems likely that self-employment/gig work will probably be easier (at least in the short term) to come by–especially since “holiday season” seems to extend from November through about mid-January for associations, and then again from about May until mid-September.

Thanks for reading! My intention (note: INTENTION lol) is to start writing about neurodiversity in the workplace, and this seems like as good a place as any to do it for now.

As I wrote a few months ago (ok, like four months ago), the past few years have been pretty rough for me on both a personal and professional level…and I’m far from alone in this experience. COVID upended everything, personal and business, for everyone and even though life is largely back to “normal” now, this new normal really is anything but normal. Some stats that drive this point home:

• Fifty-three percent of Americans recently reported that they feel the pandemic will never be over. Yikes.
• Especially since the pandemic took such a huge toll on people’s mental health: 51% percent of adults reported that they or a family member had experienced a severe mental health crisis during the past few years.
• Many are still suffering lingering anxiety, depression, isolation and other things.
• Research even goes so far as to suggest that the pandemic may have caused mass personality changes including significant declines in the traits that help us navigate social situations, trust others, think creatively, and act responsibly.
• These changes no doubt play a part in the “loneliness epidemic” that continues to persist even as socializing has mostly returned to pre-pandemic status.

So yeah, for many people, life’s not exactly a picnic these days. I know my own sense of self and direction in life have taken a major beating, and it saddens me to know that I have several friends who are experiencing the same upheaval and resulting distress. Even though I’ve actively been working on navigating a path forward for two solid years now with the help of a great therapist–something many don’t have the benefit of and for which I feel incredibly fortunate–it’s still hard as hell and slow going.

This article, When a Major Life Change Upends Your Sense of Self, describes perfectly a big part of what I’ve been experiencing, which I didn’t even know had a name until I stumbled across it: identity paralysis. The article describes identity paralysis as the feeling of stuck-ness when struggling to move on from past identity to embrace a new sense of self, and emphasized that it often leaves people feeling angry, frustrated, and hopeless about their current situations. OMG YES.

Change is hard; we all know that. And changing your own self-view and life circumstances is no exception; to say it feels “deeply uncomfortable” is an understatement. But inevitable and necessary, especially when it comes to growth and moving forward. To me, identity-paralysis and moving past it sounds very similar to post-traumatic growth (PTG), something I’ve read a lot about and have been diligently working towards. The American Psychological Association describes/defines PTG as  “what can happen when someone who has difficulty bouncing back experiences a traumatic event that challenges his or her core beliefs, endures psychological struggle (even a mental illness such as post-traumatic stress disorder), and then ultimately finds a sense of personal growth. It’s a process that “takes a lot of time, energy and struggle,” I can certainly attest to that!

So anyway, back to my present reality: trying to get my professional life in order. As much as self-employment has been great in some ways, it’s also been extremely isolating and uncertain…things which have led me to consider seeking a full-time job. Just in time for mass economic uncertainty and layoffs in the tech world–so much for the dream job market of a year ago!

If you want to go from feeling down, dejected and insecure about your sense of self-worth to feeling REALLY down, all you have to do is jump into a job search right now. Even though there is no shortage of good job opportunities, the job search process–always a grind–feels especially brutal lately. In addition to the regular annoyances like never hearing back from employers (in spite of spending time crafting custom cover letters, a requirement which seems just ridiculous given the percentage of employers who actually reply to most job-seekers), possibly scoring one interview that seems promising only to never hear back again, and/or just the soul-crusher that is spending weeks or months of your life doing everything possible to position yourself as a great candidate only to be met with either crickets or crickets along with rejections–sorry that was long lol–now there’s the additional fun hurdle of an uncertain financial outlook and a job market saturated with seemingly every person ever because the pandemic also taught us all not to settle.

In short, it’s pretty much a nightmare in its own right; the fact that it comes on the heels of the whole we’re all reeling from the pandemic stuff cited above just makes things even more hilariously depressing. #Goodtimes

So who knows; will I find a job soon and move into the next phase of my new normal, one that includes more than just me, my pets and my house? Or will I decide that the universe is trying to tell me that I’m meant to stay self-employed and send a lighting bolt of inspiration to motivate me to get myself in gear and figure out some new ways of moving past my self-induced isolation and imposter syndrome? Let’s hope whichever it turns out to be, it happens sooner rather than later because this in-between zone is a serious bummer.

P.S. In case you’re hiring or know someone who is, here’s my LinkedIn profile and I will be your best friend forever if you hire me or find someone who will!

Um, yeah…let’s just say between that experience and the utter nightmare social media has turned out to be for democracy, civility, online privacy, people’s mental health and attention spans, it’s hard for me to reconcile the old me–social media advocate and enthusiast–and current me.

Association social media fail 2023

But old habits die hard and when today I happened to come across an association’s Instagram post flooded with comments, my curiosity got the better of me…I mean, what association’s Instagram posts ever get any engagement at all, let alone dozens and dozens of comments? Almost all of which are negative…shocker. Like “I’m cancelling my membership” negative, multiple times over, plus many, many more calling out the association for being inauthentic, performative…and on and on. Reply(yes) from the org? Zero.

Seriously? We’re still using social media as bullhorn, just posting to post, tallying vanity metrics (if anything) and talking about how great it is that associations are using social media to engage members and the public, etc? Don’t even get me started on the fact that where is the crisis communications leadership from this org, the concern about alienating members and/or damaging the reputation of the profession the association represents? How is stuff like this still getting a pass, all while associations continue to pay lip service to “engagement” and “digital” and all the other things associations talk about while touting marketing automation and data-gathering as member engagement and talking about being digital-first when most association websites are still a nightmare to navigate and just today I had to email to request membership information about an association that I’m joining in spite of the fact that in order to do so I had to print an invoice to MAIL with my payment?

Sigh. Sorry to just jump into this apropos of nothing–suffice it to say that it’s not often that I actually have something to weigh in about other than my mental health or…well, that’s been about it for the past few years. : )

ChatGPT…not all shine

And while we’re on shiny and I still have a few minutes until dinner (aka pizza delivery), can I also throw into the mix the current frenzy over ChatGPT and generative AI in the association community? If we’re going to champion diversity, equity and inclusion and denounce racism and taking advantage of marginalized groups, we also need some collective education about how AI works and the myriad social justice issues inherent in not just AI in general but ChatGPT in particular. A good and low-effort place to start is by watching the documentary Coded Bias on Netflix. There’s also a great accompanying set of resources, including a discussion guide and a bunch of other great things (scroll down to the bottom of that page for more than are listed above the fold).

Then a few things to read about ChatGPT in particular:

• OpenAI Used Kenyan Workers on Less Than $2 Per Hour to Make ChatGPT Less Toxic
• The Dark Side Of ChatGPT
• ChatGPT: New AI system, old bias?
• ChatGPT could be used for good, but like many other AI models, it’s rife with racist and discriminatory bias
• ChatGPT: Who Owns the Data?
• Danger in the Machine: The Perils of Political and Demographic Biases Embedded in AI Systems

I’ll leave it at that for now. And thanks for humoring me if you read this far; bonus points if you have any thoughts to add or additional links to share.

Anyway, I digress. Also, I’m not going to belabor this post or stick to the format I used to use–I’m just going to share the 10 movies released in 2022 (or in a few cases, 2021 but I saw them in 2022) that stood out for one reason or another. I’ll also say this: movies this year–and last–for the most part sucked. I mean, I get it–the world sucked for the past few years and making movies was no small feat. But I sure hope that now that the world is pretty much open again that someone figures out how to make a decent movie again soon because even the most hyped 2022 films were, in my opinion, solidly disappointing. Wait–one exception–Jurassic World Dominion–no Jurassic Park movie ever disappoints me because just by existing it is not capable of disappointing IMO.

Ok, here we go. In no particular order, these movies were either standout good, fun, so bad they were good or actually kind of great.

• Men. I just saw this last night so I’m putting it first because OMG it was crazy good…with the emphasis on crazy because holy fuck what even was that movie?! It gets an automatic A+ for the English countryside and house…and from there it was just creepy good until it went off the rails and became WTF legend on par with Hereditary and Midsommar, and then some. If you want a more storied review than this, the NYT has you covered. And if you want the real real, Reddit never disappoints.
• Fresh. If you don’t like horror or gore, skip this one. If you do like horror and/or gore, this may even be a bit much for you, as it was for me. But still kind of A+. Which reminds me, I need to watch it again.
• Deep Water. My boyfriend Ben Affleck looking hot af; Ana de Armas even hotter. Even if that pretty much sums up the movie, I still watched it at least four times and need to watch it again.
• Jurassic World Dominion. The original stars in a random new Jurassic Park movie in the middle of a movie desert? What’s not to like? Loved it.
• Don’t Worry Darling. I don’t know why this got panned–I loved it and thought it was great. Definitely worth a watch, and also an Oscar contender IMO, in multiple categories.
• Homebound. Yes, another English countryside horror-ish/suspense movie but OMG this one is good and not gory or even really scary, just suspenseful and creepy. IMO this was actually the tightest 2022 movie on all fronts–well made, acted, directed and just a good film.
• Tár. I need to watch it again to decide what I really thought of it but I will say that it definitely didn’t live up to the hype on first watch. Cate Blanchett will win Best Actress for sure though. It’s definitely solid and worth a watch but it’s no Whiplash or anything.
• Hatching. Ok, yes, I do like horror movies. And this wasn’t even scary, just weird and awesome and gorgeous. Yes, it’s in Finnish with subtitles but still so worth it, if for no other reason than the “huh?” value.
• Nightmare Alley. Ok, if you’re looking for a non-horror movie that’s really good, this is it. Beautiful cinematography–especially the Art Deco hotel, but also just in general. Good story and really good movie.
• Spiderhead. For the music alone, this movie wins. It’s just a good, entertaining watch, nothing scary or overly spectacular, but IMO it was weirdly under-hyped by Netflix and should have gotten higher billing.

Ok, so now go watch Men and tell me wtf did we just watch.

So I doubt anyone is really wondering what happened to this blog. Like why, after almost 14 years of pretty regular writing I just sort of lost my writing mojo, or maybe just had said all I had to say and decided it was time to just wrap it up…does it really matter to anyone but me? Probably not…but has that ever stopped me from rambling before? In that spirit, I figure why stop now. Worst case, I get this off my chest. Best case…I get this off my chest.

Even though I spent literally two years building and tweaking my new site, Chic n’ Geek, I just can’t seem to just move on and leave ole Mizz Information once and for all. I’d say I’m not sure why…and I guess technically I am not entirely sure why…but I’m pretty sure it’s because I personally hate things that just end without a decent explanation or at least a satisfactory ending. I also am, as you already know if you’ve read this blog, an over-sharer about the personal details of my life, especially when they pertain to my ongoing struggle with mental health issues. And while mental health issues aren’t the sole reason I just sort of stopped being able to write for a year or two, which led to the inevitable sunsetting of this blog, they certainly played–and continue to play–a non-insignificant role in its unceremonious demise. I touched on it in this post, “it” being the fact that I’ve spent the better part of the last two years battling severe mental health issues, the likes of which I’ve never experienced before. I know I’m far from the only one whose anxiety, depression and other mental health issues worsened during COVID, but it sure feels like it…as I know it does for each and every person who feels they alone are the only person not able to just cope with a world turned upside down, etc.

I basically dropped out of life, isolating in my house, losing touch with professional colleagues because I wasn’t able to work and also because my sense of self was shattered. This podcast episode describes best how isolation and loneliness can cause depression, but also how those very things keep us from seeking the very social interaction and connection that could help the most. This has basically been the story of my past few years–brutal depression and anxiety that made it next to impossible for me to leave the house at times or to reach out to friends or family, which in turn just made the depression and anxiety worse and dulled everything in life to the point where even doing basic things like showering or replying to texts or emails seemed insurmountably difficult. Making the fun even funner was the fact that medications that had worked for me in the past stopped working, adding another layer of awesome to the nightmare anyone who has had to navigate the mental healthcare system in the US. And, the part that relates (finally) to this blog was that I couldn’t write anymore, which was just scary and frustrating as hell. To spend your whole life being able to write without even thinking about it to suddenly be unable to articulate even simple thoughts–it just sucked, to put it mildly.

It also meant I couldn’t work and honestly worried whether I’d end up permanently disabled, unable to work at least in any capacity resembling the career I hadn’t realized played such a big role in the way I saw myself and my value…I know, not great to tie self-worth to work, and I hadn’t ever really thought of myself as a person who was defined by work, but apparently I was wrong. So work and agency…gone, at least for a good long while. Social connections also pretty much gone, as I struggled to reach out to friends or participate in activities even once COVID lockdown ended. I just didn’t have it in me to act like I was still the same person and everything was fine, but also felt such a deep sense of shame about the reality of my situation that silence and isolation were pretty much the only option that felt do-able.

Back to my original point, which isn’t to whine and plead for sympathy. It’s more like I can’t get past feeling like I have more to say here, or maybe it’s that I worry that I don’t have anything much at all to say other than I miss my old life and this blog played a big role in a part of that life. Pathetic maybe but yolo. I spent 14 years writing here and in the process developed some enduring friendships, launched a career pretty much out of thin air and generally just felt like this blog was a big part my identity. I admit that it’s sort of embarrassing to admit this–that a personal blog known only by a pretty niche group of people and quite easily forgotten by basically everyone but me apparently held/holds such meaning to me that I can’t just leave well enough alone and either move on to my shiny new site and write over there or just dive into my new hobbies or whatever.

Anyway, I’d say sorry for the random melancholic ramble out of nowhere, but I’m actually not really sorry–I’m actually kind of low-key estatic to be back to a point where I feel capable of writing without feeling totally strangled with self-doubt or beyond frustrated to have a brain that somehow just stopped working–I don’t even really care what I’m writing or why I’m writing it, just that I AM writing and it feels normal again.

I guess if I had a point when I started writing, it was to explain that, for as much as I used to write about the importance of being open about what it’s like to live with mental health issues because the stigma that pervades the topic is as strong as ever, in spite of all we hear constantly about the “mental health crisis” in this country. I used to write about how we all need to work to share more and be more open about mental health struggles to reduce stigma and shame…and then I felt like a helpless bystander as my own shame silenced me and cut me off from the world. So maybe this is me, stepping past that shame and back into the world; or maybe it’s just me, grateful to be able, once again, to share my experiences and not let depression and anxiety eclipse my entire life.

I also want to say one more thing–something sad. Over the years I actively wrote here, one of my most supportive friends and commenters was a guy named Rick Rice. He passed away this past year and I miss him every time I think of him, which is often. He was a great, friendly person who went above and beyond to be supportive to even casual friends–the world is lesser without him in it.

First of all, how the hell does COVID time fly by so quickly? I could swear I wrote what I thought was the last post ever here maybe two or three months ago…I now notice it was back in January. Yikes. Or maybe yay is the correct sentiment when it comes to leaving the darkest months (years) of pandemic anxiety, isolation and just all-around shitty-ness well behind us? I mean, not like our current collective reality is exactly great times or anything, but…whatever, I’ll take it over this time last year, and certainly the year before that one.

Weirdly, I randomly picked today as THE day I would just break the seal of overthinking the hell out of whether or not I should start blogging again and just do it already…only to realize that I already wrote pretty much what I’d write today, last year today (sorry–grammar, but nobody but my mom is likely to read this anyway so yolo. So yeah, I can either leave it at just hi again if anyone stumbles on this post or spend the next hour going down the TMI rabbit hole. I guess I’ll save the TMI for another time…or maybe I’ll just skip that part and dust off one of the dozens of draft posts I’ve half-written or finally write one of the other dozens of things I’ve wanted to write about for ages now but for whatever reason decided not to bother. But I need to bother because I need to break out of the isolation bubble I’ve sealed myself in, one way or another, so may as well start here.

Not to mention that I have read and watched and listened to ALL THE THINGS these past few years, so if you’re like me and prefer to read recommendations rather than watch YouTube or TikTok or whatever, stay tuned.

Anyway–hi mom

I just want to say one thing off the bat: I am horrible at saying goodbye. So horrible, in fact, that I mostly just don’t do them–I ghost, I avoid, I say I’m not saying goodbye yet…then just let the clock tick down until the opportunity has passed. I write a note instead of showing up in person. I just deny and figure never say never–what might feel like a goodbye may well not actually be goodbye so why waste emotion/breath on something you may not have needed to do in the grand scheme of things. Or I just delay the inevitable, not wanting to close a door, especially if that door led to something or someone safe, familiar or even loved.

Which is why it’s taken me like three years to realize that it’s time…probably long past time…to say goodbye to Mizz Information. Just typing these words has me itching to backspace over them; to save this post back into draft mode, where it’s been languishing for I forget how long. It’s like an angsty breakup with nobody; an ending that literally nobody but me even gives a shit about–and 99% of me is so ready to just wrap it up and be done with the low-key ever-present guilt that is an all-but-abandoned blog.

I’ve wondered what I’d say when the time finally came to write the last of almost 600 posts I’ve written here over a decade and a half (almost). 14 years is almost the longest I’ve done anything in my life. Ok, except for be married–twice–each for 14 years (15 years with Patrick this year!) and parent my kids. This blog essentially chronicles an entire era of my life–what started as an effort to practice writing about business topics in hopes of making a go as a freelance writer ended up leading to a new career, a bunch of new friends, opportunities I’d never even considered as possibilities for myself and a weird memoir of sorts in the bargain. It’s earned me the reputation among some as “crazy” and “negative”, as well as I’m sure as navel-gazing and attention-seeking–but also as brave and confident and outspoken. So–I’ll take that as a glass more than half full.

I could go on and on with this memory lane for one, but I’ll spare us all–it’s not like I’m planning on nuking the archives right away or anything. And I still plan on blogging over at my fancy new site Chic n’ Geek (or at least continuing to obsessively fiddle with the design) and possibly trying out a newsletter if I can ever manage to figure out what I’m planning to do next professionally (please hire me someone! Self-employment + COVID isolation is just too isolating).

So see you on the flip side and thank you for indulging my ranting and oversharing these past 14 years!

Hey! Blogging feels so weird now, as if there wasn’t an entire 12+ year period where it felt as natural as breathing. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to push past the weirdness and just jump back in, only to have overthought it to the point of somewhere between panic and abject boredom before deciding just forget it. In an effort to regain both something that I love–writing–and also to try to add some normalcy back to life that has become anything but normal, I’ve kept at it…only to have a bunch of partially-written drafts that will never see the light and that’s about it. I figured maybe my blogging days were just done and I’d said all I had to say.

Then, I believe I mentioned before, I spent approximately one billion hours last fall (ask my husband if I’m exaggerating) creating a totally new and different blog, Chic n’ Geek, in case the problem wasn’t that I was done with blogging but was just done with blogging here. I’d never wanted to be a lifestyle blogger and if you’ve read this blog you’re probably laughing at the thought of the most negative, non-domestic person ever suddenly embracing sponsored posts and sharing professional-is photos and inspirational quotes. (Ok, if you’ve seen my Instagram, you know there’s no chance in hell my photos are anything but crappy so…yeah.) But it was winter and lockdown and I just had a vision of this fancy new blog and was determined to bring it to life.

Which I did…after so many months and so much drama that you just don’t ever want to ask my husband how he enjoyed the Chic n’ Geek saga, it finally was just as I’d originally pictured it, more or less. Well, minus the actual blog posts, that is. It turns out that I loved building the site, customizing no fewer than seriously at least five themes, creating custom branding and graphics (no, I didn’t know how to do either of those things before) and then randomly branching out into designing a bunch of paper products, jewelry and other stuff I never had any interest in or idea how to do before. So while Chic n’ Geek is up and running at long last, I somehow can’t be pressed to actually start writing there. Yet.

But I miss writing and connecting with people–especially writing about whatever and not saddled with the weight of the weird perfectionism I developed during my Chic n’ Geek winter (and spring, and summer). So here I am, still with nothing in particular to say but determined to just write something, even if just to prove to myself that I still can. with both a ton of things to write about here but also, simultaneously, no real idea where to even pick back up again…or if I should bother picking up where I left off to begin with. Will this be the start of a new stint of blogging or it yet another one-off “Hey, I’m back and promise I’ll be writing more now” post, then back to radio silence for six months, or longer? Your guess is as good as mine–if anyone’s even reading this to begin with. And the good news is, it doesn’t even matter–I’m just happy to be writing this now so that’s good enough for me.

So, in non navel-gazing news, I just passed the three year mark of being self-employed. While it’s mostly awesome being your own boss and I can’t imagine leaving my dogs to go work somewhere 5 days a week from 9-5, it’s also kind of lonely as hell and stressful. Not to mention paid holidays and vacations seem like luxuries beyond my wildest imagination. I so wish I had some kind of community of people like me who have been self-employed but are finding it so isolating and just overwhelming that they’re wondering about going back to working for someone else. I would totally BUILD such a community if anyone’s interested–in fact, I have so many “test” communities I’ve built out just to test all the new platforms that have sprung up over the past few years that I have several places all built and ready for business if anyone happens to be interested in participating in yet ANOTHER community. So please, if you’re interested, please let me know and I’ll get one ready for company!

Now back to the question I posed in the title about how people are doing, as in ACTUALLY doing. Not “fine” if fine is the furthest thing from the truth but you figure nobody really wants to know the truth or cares to take the time to listen past that one-word answer. I’m sure it comes as a shock to pretty much nobody who reads this blog or knows me that the past year (or two…or three) I’ve not been doing that well much of the time (to put it mildly). And where I still feel strongly about stigma fighting by being open about my mental health struggles, at some point I started contradicting myself because I didn’t want people to see me only as “the one with depression” or the melodramatic one or, worse yet, a self-centered bore. So while I’ve shared a bit–like in my last post–I’ve pretty much gone into seclusion and become the person I always insisted it was important NOT to be: another of the millions of people who suffer with mental health issues in silence because they’re worried what people will think, or that if they’re open about their experiences it will hurt their job prospects, etc. And it’s sucked on a bunch of levels–the least of which is that so many people have been suffering and struggling in silence over the past 18 months, and I KNOW that each of us are suffering alone when it could help so much just to know we’re not the only ones and that talking about it really helps.

We all know about me and my history so there’s not really much new with me–except that of course there is but for once I’ll spare everyone the TMI and instead ask–how are YOU doing? Have you found sources of comfort and community where you’re able to open up and feel less alone? Are you just bottling it up, praying you’ll be “back to normal” soon but also wondering how much more you can take until your facade of “fine” cracks–and worrying about what would happen if it did? Please feel free to share, either in the comments or privately if you’d like. Have you found relief doing certain things that you’d recommend to others? Or feel like you’re holding on by a thread and need advice or just someone to listen. Or anything in between. I know I’d love to hear from you, as would others who most likely won’t comment or share because they’re self-conscious (totally understandable–that’s me equally often as I’m TMI-ing). If nothing else I know it would help me feel less isolated to hear from basically anyone and I’m sure would help others as well.

And if you’re suffering but it’s too hard to share, I truly hope things start easing up for you soon–being in that place is horrible and I wish nobody ever had to experience it.

I wish I had something uplifting or funny to close with but it would probably just be something stupid like a Stepbrothers quote that’s only funny to me, so I’ll just do us all the kindness of not typing anymore

It didn’t occur to me at the time that maybe the dead of winter during COVID, totally isolated from any social interaction and also “taking a sabbatical” from working isn’t the best time to hyper focus and become consumed with a new site. Somehow in my mind, starting a lifestyle blog was the perfect cure for the loneliness and isolation I’d been experiencing well before COVID. Instead of actually staying in touch with anyone or participating in stuff like Zoom socials or even leaving my house. Because everyone knows that all you have to do is launch a blog and instantly you find yourself a bunch of new friends from outside the social world you already have but had retreated from during the time you most needed to reach out and connect. Particularly when you’re not exactly the bubbly, enthusiastic airbrushed lifestyle influencer type.

So–transition to TMI part because I’ve realized that the reason I’ve become so closed off from essentially everyone over the past two or three years is because, contrary to my usual openness about my own struggles with mental health/illness, the thing that has dominated these years involves me but isn’t about me–it’s about my daughter’s battle with addiction. I’ve been shattered, filled with hope, in denial and then back through the whole cycle again and again, suffering mostly in silence by walling myself off from basically everyone. I never in a million years thought addiction would touch my life, let alone in such a devastating way. If you want to know what it’s like, you should watch or read Beautiful Boy…such a good film, and also pretty close to my own story with my daughter.

Why am I sharing this? Because I’m hoping that opening up and laying down the burden of carrying such a heavy, hard thing in secret will be a step towards reclaiming my voice. Also, I’m hoping to meet others who have gone through or are currently going through a loved one’s addiction. And, most of all, I’m hoping to start shifting my focus towards things I can control, and to be able to engage with the people and topics that give life meaning and purpose.