Adventures of Momdom

New Post! Let Our Actions Speak

2019-02-04T10:00:00.000-06:00

Sometimes it seems the times are changing so fast...but then again, that's what they've always said. The only real question is, what will be your part in it? Read More at mobmomma.com

Don't forget to sign up at our new site so that you never miss a post as we begin to phase out this hosting site. Thank you for joining us on this journey!

New post, New site! Jan 28

2019-01-28T15:50:00.002-06:00

A reminder that the blog has moved to Mobmomma.com or mobmomma.blog
The current blog post is at this link!

https://mobmomma.blog/2019/01/28/foster-care-reflections-the-woman-at-the-well/

Sign up at our new location so you never miss a post! I plan to stop posting here in the next few months.

New blog post on New site address!

2019-01-21T18:50:00.001-06:00

Foster Care Reflections: When Thankful Isn't The Right Word

2018-11-19T11:00:00.000-06:00

Some days it gets really real around here. You trauma mommas know what I mean. You don't get time off for good parenting. You don't even get credit for time served. Trauma doesn't take a holiday or a nap so you don't get one either.
Today it snowed. I think the snow is magical and I was expecting great things. I just love how everything is peaceful and shiny. It's my favorite. I spent 2 hours filling out paperwork with toddlers running around me trying hard to break my resolve to finish, but I persevered! Magic was in the air.

Then, like it always does, the day went to the firey pit in an instant over a chore. I got upset, that triggered a fear response, and what do ya know I had damage to my home. I was holding it together as the only parent on duty while the older kids went into motion to control the other chaos and the younger children looked at me for answers.

Raising teenagers is tough. Raising teenagers in foster care is really tough. Adopting those teens out of foster care is one step away from insanity tough. Yet, somehow God opens up our hearts like the Red Sea and we all get swallowed up. It's a real struggle for my now permanent child to see other fosters visit their birth parents. It triggers old, painful reminders of what he lost and will never get back. He pushes me away so hard I feel the breath leave me with the words he says. His words cut me deep.
I hope no one ever expects their foster child to speak gratitude in moments of pain because that is the LAST thing they feel. He should not feel grateful that he lost his family and his home. He should not feel thankful that he had to face the trauma of being pulled from his siblings, his neighborhood, his friends, and literally EVERYTHING he has ever known and placed with strangers. He should not be on his knees thanking God that he never even got to say good-bye. No, thankful is not the word. I don't feel that in these moments either. I see my baby hurting in a way that I can't even imagine and I'm not thankful that I can't take away that pain. I'm not thankful that I can't love it away. I'm not grateful that "it could have been worse". I'm not thanking my lucky stars that he was placed with us since I love him so much because it means that he lost everything to be here. No, thankful is not the word.
Broken is the right word. We all feel broken. Broken is okay because broken can be repaired. Broken isn't final. If I am thankful for anything it's that God allows us to be broken and mended together. Every new bond is stronger than the one that was shattered before. Our love and our life is a mosaic of grace-filled hope. Our life may look crazy on the outside, but inside we are filled with the gooey goodness of grace and hope 💓

Foster Care Reflections: The Village People

2018-11-09T14:34:00.001-06:00

I am part of a village. This village is a vital piece of what makes life doable....and crazy. It's a mash-up of people who would not normally be in any kind of relationship together.

Economic status is no barrier.

Social status does not stop us.

Having nothing in common is simply where we start.

We build our bridges to each other based off of 1) love for the children caught in the middle and 2) love for the family that we want to see restored.
We are the village formed in the fires of foster care. We live and love through tears and heartbreak. We ride the waves of emotion together. We fight together, we grow together, we celebrate together.

We are a village.

“As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good…” Gen 50:20

None of us began life intending to be a part of this particular kind of village. Yet, our village is strong. Our village is resilient. Our village is one that is not easily broken by superficial topics of the day.

I love being a part of this village. In a time when there seems to be nothing but division that tears us apart, our village is about building each other up. Our village is about crossing lines to make families stronger and generations healthier. Our village is about doing life together. I see so much pain and hatred and fear outside that it can make anyone question humanity, but then I see all of us inside this village and I see hope. It's not on Facebook or Instagram, it's real. It doesn't make the news, but it's life-changing. Even when some people move to the outskirts of the village because they want to try out a little more independence, they never completely leave the safety of the village. We will never forget the bonds God welded together.
We in the system live in a world that is not like normal families. We parent in a way that is not traditional. We deal with issues far from the typical. There is no handbook or manual. Stepping into foster care is like being blindfolded, spun around 50 times, let loose in a dark forest, and told to find our way to safety. It makes your head spin and you get nauseous quite a bit ;) Our village provides the guides and the knowledge of others who have been through the forest before; those who have walked the path and found the pitfalls. The same is true for the birth families who are suddenly whisked into a world of chaos and impossibilities. They are up against deadlines with little to no resources and support. They also need those who can come alongside them and help carry the load-walk that second mile.
We need each other and I'm so glad that we do. I may not have chosen this village in the beginning, but I would not choose a different one now. This is my village and these are my people.

Foster Care Reflections:Talking about Jesus

2018-10-09T18:09:00.000-05:00

My son said something today that made me feel like I'm winning at this parenting thing and reminded me of what a mercy it is that we don't parent alone.

Today my son's science lesson was covering the various theories about the beginning. He is very interested in physics, so he was introduced to the Big Bang Theory. He thought the thought of it was very cool and it gave us an opportunity to discuss how scripture (and science!) refutes this theory. He said the thought of the earth being so fragile made him scared of many things.

**My son suffers from many various forms of anxiety and has since he was 2 years old. Controlling his fear is akin to some people learning how to control their hormones in middle age. It's doable with a LOT of work and some help from the right balance of medication.

So I began, as I have done so many times in the past, to walk him through the memories of how God has taken care of our every need. We are to care for His creation, but we don't do it alone. He has left no room for our doubt of Him and that is why we can trust Him with these really big worries. At this, my son said, "Mom, you always have a way of making me feel better. Sometimes I think 'she's always talking about Jesus!' but then you have a way of telling it to me in a way that I understand exactly what you mean".

In all the ins and outs, the crazy and the chaos, the tears and the joy of foster care-my son heard me talk about Jesus so much that he can say that statement with an eye roll LOL My kids could learn a lot of things, both good and bad, in this missional life we live. Honestly, that's a concern that doesn't leave my heart. While we care for those who come for a season, we have to also maintain the care of those who stay a lifetime. I can admit that I am not a perfect mom. I am not even a hot mess. I am more like cold hands and no makeup kinda mess. At the end of the day though, we are all the same. No matter our missional life, no matter the number of children God has gifted us with, no matter where He has placed us, the call on us all is still the same.

"She's always talking about Jesus"!

By choosing to follow the call to foster, our children get to see us live out the love of Christ for realsies. They get to participate in healing wounded hearts and teaching what Grace is all about. They have seen us pray over broken children and hurting parents. They have been in Bible studies with birth families around our kitchen table. They have witnessed rough seas, joyful victories, and faithful struggles. We may not have our emptied beds filled right now, but I'm so thankful that our kids still see that life is not doable in chaos or calm without GOD over all and in all things. Out of all the things that could be taken from us and passed on to future generations, I hope that this is what they walk away with, unwavering-unstoppable faith.

Foster Care Reflections: The Pushing and The Pulling

2018-09-26T11:00:00.000-05:00

My head is so divided as I try to keep sanity in charge. I know what is happening, but it still rips my heart to pieces.
This is normal the closer adoption gets, my head tells me. When he tells me I'm not his parent so he "doesn't care"- he doesn't really mean it. When he pushes every button that I have- it's just to see how far I can bend. When he refuses to do a single thing I've told him to do- it's just to see what I will do next. When he screams in my face- it's to get me to scream back. When he tells me he needs me to yell at him to feel loved- he's telling the truth, but I can't love him like that.

My logic assures me of all that.

But my heart tells me a different story.

I feel like a terrible mother because I DO lose my temper. I wonder if he has changed his mind about our family. I fear that he doesn't want me to be his mother after all. What if he's seen the worst in me and he doesn't want it? What if he only loved the fun side? What if he needs love in a way I can't give? What if he can never love me the way I love him?

This is adoption, especially with teens. I've studied it. I've read the books.

Seeing it on paper in black and white it dulls the effect you prepare to go through. Once you experience all the feels that come in hurricane floods, your brain and heart have trouble separating logic from emotion. That's where I'm at. I see him hurting and struggling and I want to help as I've done so many times before but he just pushes me away with brute force. No matter which approach I try, he just keeps pushing. It's not so unlike the "pushing" I experienced with my oldest daughter when she grew into her teenage self, but this is the tender grafting time for my son and I. My heart is so afraid that he will push so hard that he will come untethered from me completely and the bond will be broken before it ever really started.

Whoever said adoption was hard was trying not to scare you.

This is where the rubber meets the road. This is where you take your hands off the wheel and simply love the way God taught you to without reservation. This is where you let go and let HIM do the work that needs to be done. I'm a fixer by nature so my first inclination is to jump right in the ring and talk it through or slug it out, whatever it takes! I work at everything as if it were a projection of perfection. Recently during some study time over the verse "Be still and know that I am God." I heard God speak this straight to my heart, "Be less and know that I am God." My eyes just immediately filled with tears because that's the essence of it all. Stand down, let it go, give it up, and get out of the way because HE IS GOD.

Foster Care Reflections: Sabbatical

2018-09-18T13:42:00.001-05:00

We haven't loved on any new bonus babies in a couple of weeks and my heart is beginning to ache.

In the beginning, it was good to allow the dust to settle. We had time to talk, to really slow down and have the heart to hearts. We had time to just be with each other. We had time to rediscover the closeness that we have long done without in the chaos and craziness that inevitably moves in when you mesh two sets of lives together.

But I miss it.

I've realized we are better for it.

I've realized how God breaks us against each other so that He can remake us into a closer version of Him.

All the struggling and straining, all the crying and lost sleep, all the missed engagements and broken plans are a way of bringing us down to our knees and closer to Him. We leave the comfort of our luxurious safety zones and we enter the messiness of a broken world in need of what only He can give. I realize how desperately I cling to Him every moment of every day for the strength just to get out of bed. I realize that I am fully aware of how I have nothing to offer at the altar but my own broken hallelujah.
Foster care is as much about rescuing me from the temptation of whitewashed living as it is about rescuing them from trauma. We're in this together for the sake of our very souls.
I await our next arrivals knowing they will come in tattered pieces, my heart already broken for them. I pray that this sabbatical has been enough for us all to meet them on their battlefield and to go with them to the end.
Though the world around us delves into a chaos of its own, I fear not because I have SEEN the miraculous power of God. I have seen Him change hearts and lives. I have lived to see the sun rise over the horizon. (In foster care, you live the darkness for sometimes months on end!) When you witness the power of such love and such saving grace in action, you find that fear fades away.

Foster Care Reflections: When it's Time to Disrupt

2018-08-19T13:23:00.000-05:00

I had read so many stories of families who have had to break placement and I always wondered what it would take for me to do it. Where was the line that someone could not cross? What would I feel that would make me do it? I looked at breaking placement like divorce, I was determined not to do it...I'm sure everyone says that too.

.
Here I sit awash with more emotions than I can possibly digest. I haven't showered in 2 days...I haven't even brushed my hair in 2 days. I'm on high alert and worried about what might happen next as we wait for the children in our care to be picked up in another 36 hours. I cannot afford the luxury of deep breaths.

Be strong and courageous.

The line that I could not define 3 days ago was clearly spelled out in a flash. I knew in an instant and in the most sickening feeling of my gut that the children I had been loving as my own could not remain in my care. I was as sure about that as I was about taking them in the first place. I had to put plans into place for the protection of everyone in the house. I went into autopilot and did what needed to be done.

Do Not be afraid.

Autopilot is great when it can shut off feelings and just get things done, but eventually, the heartache breaks through. It insists on being heard and dealt with. The moment spilled out when I had to look children in the face and tell them I loved them too much to keep them someplace they shouldn't be. Children who I committed to love and guide and teach. Children who I saw hurting and lost. To watch tears flow and still tell them they had to leave. To try through your own tears to tell them that they are not being thrown away and that you value their wants and needs so much that you are willing to let them go. To blubber through a momma speech about how they are worth more than they have been given and this is not a reflection on their worth in life. The whole time thinking that they probably don't believe me, but praying that they will hear my heart. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Every new thing seems to get harder in this line of work.

Do Not be discouraged.

I found myself just wanting to curl up in a fetal position- to not want to be exposed to anyone or anything else. My entire heart and mind recoiled at the thought of any more human interaction because this had simply hurt too bad. The thought occurred, "how do I do this again"? So I cried and prayed and cried and prayed. I apologized to my children that they had to endure such things in our home. I apologized to my husband. Then I set myself in the ready to just make it through the next 36 hours without having any more of anyone else's world fall apart. No matter what they did, I still love those children and I want them to know that.

For the Lord your God will be with you.

Will I do this again, today I know for sure I will. God calmed my nerves and softened my heart. I'm not doing this for fairytale endings. We are broken people investing in broken lives and that gets messy- sometimes people get hurt on the sharp pieces. God didn't call me out to be safe, He called me out to be faithful. I am grieving, I am hurt, I am angry, I am confused, and I am overwhelmed with a thousand more emotions. That's okay. To hurt deeply is to love deeply and I never want to stop loving deeply.

Foster Care Reflections: The Next Adventure...

2018-07-19T23:52:00.001-05:00

As soon as our grieving was over, God brought us two new angels and my heart is unimaginably full... again. As He has always been, our God is faithful to those who seek Him. He restores in us that which has been lost. For me, it was not children but it was my loving attitude. I had changed my laughter to mourning, but He gave me peace and joy again. The joy did not come through the new children, it came before they ever arrived.
Since the others went home they have been back to stay the night several times and my soul has loved every moment of it. God reminded me that this was how it was supposed to go. THIS is how it was supposed to end. THIS is the letting go that is never really letting go. THIS is foster care and the reason why we do all the crazy hard stuff. We are not in the business of separating families, we are in the business of building and strengthening families. We are in it to win it. We are building bridges and praying for restoration. Everything we prayed for happened even if everything around us was going crazy. God was still in control. He has reminded me over and over as a good Father does that when the storm rages, He controls that too. Family won. He won. So we all won. My heart and soul rejoice.
Now we are in the next adventure with a new family. The kids are older, the questions are harder, and the conversations are so raw. MTV almost prepared me for this...almost.
In just a week we have discussed suicide, sex, drugs, cutting, depression, homosexuality, attempted murder, and so much more. Yet we have also discussed family, grace, Christianity, having a relationship with God, and being His Beloved. I am blown away by their desire to openly talk and freely listen to God's place in all of this. I never knew fostering older kids could be so incredibly scary and yet so incredibly fulfilling. When I began talking to them I feel the Spirit moving in me and the words just flow. I have always said that I just want to work with elementary age children because teens scare me, but apparently, God had other plans this go around! (Never say never because God just hears a challenge).

My house is overrun with teens and tweens and it's nothing like I imagined. They Instagram me and text me when I'm in the next room. They crawl up next to me when I'm doing my homework and ask for private time. We giggle and laugh and watch movies together. It's as if my heart has loved them forever. Tonight we had a family meeting to voice rules and boundaries and hold each other accountable. One has shared the most intimate details of life with me and declared that I am family forever (ditto!). I already can't imagine my day without them...and it's only been a week. I am anxious to meet their family because I can't wait to begin building new bridges and adding to our family again. Can your family ever really get too big??
I've told them many stories about the children who were here before them and I can't help but look at them in a fresh new way. I know that I am going to love them so much I will drown in it...and then I will let them go.
I don't even care...
I'm going to love them anyway.
That's me. That's foster care. That's the Jesus life.

Foster Care Reflections: Time To Let Them Go

2018-06-29T20:18:00.000-05:00

This space is so empty it's as if all the oxygen has been stolen from the room. It's still so raw, I cannot even lick my wounds. Not everyone grieves in the same way, but we all grieve. We will all experience loss at some point. We all know this autopilot feeling where you cannot feel anything or else you will feel EVERYTHING. That's where I'm at right now; I'm holding up the floodgates so my emotions do not drown me before the morning.

Today we said goodbye to angels we have loved like our own for a very long time. The moment we prepared for from day 1 seems to have come too soon. I had a whole life with a whole family before they came into it, yet I can't figure out how to function today now that they are gone. When I try to sound all tough and say that I'm used to this part and I'm fine, don't believe me. I may recover faster by now, but loss is not something you ever get used to. You simply learn how to handle it a tad better and trust in God's timing.
This is the day most potential foster families fear. I wish I could sugar coat it and tell you that it's not that bad. I wish I had prettier words at this moment, but I don't. What I have is a very real moment of what it looks like to love and let go. It sucks. It's soul crushing. And I will do it all over again very soon for another family. My feelers are completely broken right now. My emotions are a hot broken mess all over the place like a toddler set loose in the toy aisle at Target. Our house looks like it threw up everything in every single room (which perfectly mirrors our life). When you have one night to pack three kids lives up, your house tends to become a war zone. And today I just don't feel like putting the pieces back together. I don't want to fix things back. I don't want to put things all back nice and neat like they were never here. I don't want to fill the empty spaces. I don't want to make the empty beds. I don't want to gather up the empty hangers. I don't want to acknowledge that I won't hug them tomorrow. I don't want to move on without them, not today.

So today I won't put one foot in front of the other. Today, I'm not even going to get out of bed. Today, today I'm going to cry whatever tears may come. Today I'm going to let my heart hurt. Today, I'm going to ask God to fill the void that has been left in my heart. Today, I'm going to ask God to remind me in my weakness that He chose me for this path. Today, I will remind myself of His faithfulness and goodness. Today, His grace is sufficient. Even now as I know we go into battle to fight to keep our potential adopted son, I KNOW His grace is sufficient. When I cannot understand anything that is happening, I know I can still trust the One who has called me and because of that "I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me". Philip 3:12 Let me lose everything, just give me Jesus.

Foster Care Reflections: Mountain Moments

2018-06-23T23:10:00.005-05:00

Going to the highlands has a way of grounding me.

My favorite place is in the mountains. There is something about that cool, crisp mountain air that centers me. I feel at home and recharged. My head clears and my anxiety flees; I am free.

We just got back from a week-long vacation in the Rocky Mountains and it was divine. God outdid Himself when he put the mountains in place. We usually think of mountains as some obstacle to be moved, but I love them in all their splendor right where they are. I want to climb them, explore them, and cherish every breathtaking moment I am on them. I never lose my sense of awe for the mountains.
It is rare to have such high points while also going through such low points in life, but God afforded us a well-timed luxury. We have had many challenges this year and they do not seem to be wrapping up anytime soon. During this time of "rest", God brought me around to focus on what mattered. I was reminded that my place was with Him no matter how my circumstances may change.

For me, this has several implications.

First, my prayer is an honest and tear-soaked "Your will be done". I have no idea what it looks like, but I know He knows better than me. I know that whatever He wills to do with our circumstances and all those involved is much better than anything I could have planned. I know this because I remember my whole life! I remember praying to marry a man who is not the man I married. I remember praying to have twins (eeeek!). I remember praying to go to a college overseas. I remember praying for so many things that I KNEW were the best things for me. Obviously, I was so very, very wrong. I have a long history of being wrong while God has an extremely long history of being right.
Second, it means that I'm not in control. I'm not apathetic and throwing my hands in the air while saying 'C'est la vie'. It means I'm not laying awake every night considering the million different ways I should handle a situation and how it might go wrong. It means I'm off damage control. It means my anxiety can back away from the cliff and take a rest for once. It means I don't have to drive when I don't even know where I'm going. It means that if NM is mad at me or hates me for reasons I have nothing to do with, then I can trust it in His hands and His timing. If a girl who was my best friend suddenly thinks the worst of me for reasons I don't understand, then I can trust it into His hands.
Third, it means I'm not alone. So many times I have cried in my closet or in my car and just felt alone in this world. So many times I have felt misunderstood, rejected, beat-up, walked on, etc. Too many times I have cried tears that no one but Jesus has known about. It gets lonely and dark in those moments. Landing my focus squarely on God and praying 'your will be done' means I am not on this journey alone in even the darkest of moments. It's as if the flicker of a single candle broke apart the darkness of my fear.
In the highlands where oxygen is lacking, the Spirit is definitely not. We had a wonderful week of joy, laughter, peace, and family. In the simpleness of nature where cell service did not exist, God softened my heart and helped me remember Him, just Him. He created me a space that was just for me, all I had to do was live out His will. It was then that I realized we often get so caught up in being something (insert "title", "prized reputation", "what your friends think") that we forget we already ARE something to HIM. We get so jealous and envious of others and feel like we need to carve out our "niche" in this world that we forget God already carved that space out at His table for us. Nobody can take away what God gave us, it's our space. We get so caught up in this mess that we forget to focus on just worshiping HIM and doing HIS will. No wonder things get complicated and we are a mess! We forget that we are spiritual beings living in a foreign land, not the other way around. But I digress, that is a topic for another time :)
Though I mourn over so many circumstances happening both in my family and in families I love dearly, I have peace that springs into hope. When I look to Jesus I see my Savior with an outstretched hand simply saying "follow me". Right now, I can't imagine anything more perfect.

Foster Care Reflections: Difficult Mercies

2018-05-15T14:43:00.002-05:00

It seems like in foster care we're always walking through uncertainty. As soon as you think you've mastered one day, you awake to find a brand new one. It's part of the adventure.

God has been teaching me that my peace is not found in controlling the world around me or in building a world that is unshakable. God is teaching me to trust in His certainty when the world is anything but. He has allowed me many times over to walk through difficult times, each time seems like it's more than I can bear. Yet, I find that each time my focus becomes clearer, my heartbeat becomes stronger, and my desire to step where He steps becomes stronger; each time I grow closer to Him.
As with any ministry or mission, your weakness will be drug out and laid exposed. There will be no hiding from it. You will deal with it or it will deal with you. God's mercies are true to be new every morning. Though my coffee may fail, my God never will! So many mornings I didn't want to get out of bed and face another day. So many days I just wanted to go back to bed and wish for a do-over. Every day God has come alongside me and granted me new wisdom and strength. Every day God has surrounded me with friends and a husband who knew exactly when to call or when to hug me. God has never left me alone in this battle, not once.
I was reminded through the story of David that I should not wish to give to God "something which has cost me nothing". I should not spend my life wishing for comfort and ease. I should not secretly wish that I did not have such a heavy burden to bear. My privilege is with the children and family God has placed within my care. My honor is within the talents God has placed in my hands.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners, Isaiah 61:1

To wish for easier would be to wish away the very thing which places me within the will of God and within His presence. I pray that I never forget to love His mercy AND His grace and that I love His presence as the most important blessing of all. If foster care has taught me anything it's that the only treasure I desire is to be unhindered, unconditionally, and undefiled in His presence forever.

Foster Care Reflection: When The Bubble Bursts

2018-04-04T09:27:00.000-05:00

Almost all of us are aware of the numbers. We know the statistics.

Every day a child is

Abused.
Neglected.
Abandoned.

We've heard the numbers, the news, and the social media stories. It's not that we are uninformed, it's just that we are emotionally ~~numb~~ detached. These have become facts to us and nothing more. We feel sad for a moment, but then there's that cute cat video that makes us laugh and we forget all about what we just read on our news feed. They are just statistics.

This is how we compartmentalize information to protect ourselves from deep hurts. This is how we keep our distance from potential emotional harm. This is how we live in ignorance from the frightening world outside of our bubble.

I should know, my bubble just burst.

Even in what I do, I had no idea that I was keeping my distance from the nightmare. Living every single day with these children I had no clue that I was protecting myself from the truth. Be careful when you ask God to reveal what's holding you back because He surely will! In order to protect myself, I would simply switch off my emotional side and use my logical side to analyze the facts of everything. I sorted all the "data" to make the right decisions for the children. This seems logical and reasonable and it keeps emotions from getting in the way. I can control data a whole lot easier than I can control emotions! However, it also keeps my heart from connecting to my head.

Pieces of the nightmare that have broken my soon-to-be child are being revealed to me and I don't even know how to process that kind of evil. I hurt in a way I cannot describe. The darkness almost felt like more than I could bear. It has been nearly 2 weeks of trudging through the ramifications of what has been done and realizing that the wounds may heal but the scars never will. I cannot unknow what I now know. My heart for my child cannot unbreak. My eyes cannot unsee what I have seen. My ears cannot unhear the stories and the screams. My heart is melded to my head and God is telling me that it takes both along with a whole LOT of spiritual grit to be his momma. This boy needs more than my intelligence to get him through, he needs every ounce of my love, grace, and prayer. I am his momma and nothing is going to change that. If I ever wanted to be some kind of superhero-ninja-warrior momma, ready or not, it's go time!

This is the part of foster care where you can never turn back. You can never again say that you don't know what goes on. You can never again say to yourself that you are unaware of what is happening in the shadows while you sleep in your soft, comfy bed at night. You can never again be ignorant and indifferent to the suffering of children. You are forever changed. You are forever a vessel mixed with mourning and joy, hope and sadness. You are forever a bearer of light warring against the darkness.

The deeper you love, the more it hurts yet it only increases your desire to love. That is the foster care truth. Don't be afraid of hurting, be afraid of never really feeling anything deeply enough to know true pain and true love all at the same time.

Foster Care Reflections: How Trauma Celebrates Easter

2018-04-02T08:44:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was Easter. For everyone around us that meant new clothes, egg hunts, big family dinners, and doing life as usual. In our home, it meant controlling the storm that was billowing in my soon-to-be adopted son. What caused this storm is anyone's guess. Was it the weather change, the routine change, the holiday without family? Perhaps it was all three. We're all detectives in this game and we don't get many clues.
While most people were dying eggs, we were soothing self-inflicted hurts. While others were picking out their special outfits for pictures, we were trying to keep the explosion contained to one room. My home and my heart are bearing the scars this morning. Last night was the worst and it went on for hours. He screamed for loved ones now gone and he screamed for me. For the first time, he screamed for me. It was a night of very complex emotions, to say the least.

This process takes its toll. There were times this weekend where I just wasn't sure if I knew what I was doing anymore. There were times where I wondered about it all. And yes, there were times where I felt resentment and then guilt for feeling that way towards a child that I loved with all my heart. As we walked into the church and saw so many families dressed so nicely and taking photos, I felt a twinge of pain for what we could not participate in. There was a bit of resentment for what could never be us because all the pomp and circumstance that the holidays have become are simply too much for the trauma kids in my family. Then I sat down and read this verse:

Galatians 1:1 Paul an apostle-sent neither by human commission nor from human authorities, but through Jesus Christ and God the Father, who raised him from the dead

This hit me right in the heart. I am on a mission too, just like Paul. I have not been sent by man, but by the Father. While I miss out on a few things here on earth that others enjoy, they in no way compare to eternity with Him. How can I complain in my heart? We talk about the power of the resurrection, but how often do we do battle where our faith in that power is tested? Without faith in that power, I would not believe that we could keep going after nights like last night. Without faith in that power, this mission would not be possible. Without this powerful faith, I couldn't make it an hour in this life. We know that Christ can defeat death and so He can defeat this in my son too. Easter is powerful!
This morning I prepare myself- heart, mind, and soul- to calm the storm should it begin to resurface, but also to care for the wounds from last nights battle with darkness. He is just a boy and he fights it hard. It is beyond the scope of my vocabulary to describe what it is like to be in the midst of such a battle. All I can say is if not for that empty tomb, I would have walked off the battlefield a long, long time ago. However, He said He was preparing a place and so I have every intention of keeping my date with Him and taking as many as I can with me. It would be rude after all to not bring guests to such a celebration!

Foster Care Reflections: Becoming A Better Parent Pt 2

2018-03-24T11:38:00.000-05:00

One of the biggest questions in fostering is, "How do you let them go?". It's a tough question and one that reaches down to the very core of who we are as parents and as human beings. God made us to avoid pain so that we could survive! So it seems completely counterintuitive to purposefully love children just to let them go and break your heart. Yet, the Spirit is always counterintuitive to the flesh. The problem isn't so much the pain, it's our concept of time. Especially here in a America we operate on finte time schedules. We want everything to happen on a controllable set point, planned out time. However, the time referred to most often in the Bible is one of timing. God's "timing" is perfect and it's something we struggle to grasp because we want specifics. Like sand between the fingers it quickly slips away no matter how hard we try to hold it.

When our children are born we have so many plans. We plan birthday parties and vacations and holidays. We plan how we will teach them our important things in life along with manners and social skills. We plan for their college and prepare them for jobs and even life after college. We want them to be "the best". We pass down family traditions and our own life lessons. Sports, music, honors academics, camps, early college, whatever it takes to get them a jump start in this life. As our schedule gets busier we try to do all the right things by squeezing in what we can into our schedule and we know it's okay because we have 18 years to get this down right. We've got time.

I'm sure every parent who has ever lost a child unexpectantly has thought the exact same thing.

We are like the people in the days of Noah, the days of Jerimiah, the days of Sodom...we've been warned time is limited, but we think we can squeeze in our plans up until the finish line. We think we have some control over this thing called time, but time cannot be tamed or controlled. None of us have been given a guarantee of time this side of heaven. Every child is a gift, but not a single one comes with a promise of time.

Foster care brings home this sense of urgency. In this missional life we are healing hurts, teaching life lessons, instilling morals and values, loving them full Every Single Day, and, most importantly raising them to leave us. We are never NOT aware that our time is very short. We show up and give 100% everyday because time is short. We live in a world of temporary-permancy. Their lives with us are temporary, but we must love them as if they are permanent. We don't plan for college because that's too far away. Most of the time we don't plan vacations, holidays, or even birthdays because those are too far away. We teach them how to have friends now, how to be responsible now, how to heal now. We teach them how Jesus looks in their lives everyday. We show them how He loves them inside their hurting hearts and broken worlds. We read them His promises for right now. If they cannot learn all of this right now, they will not carry it with them into the next year. If they don't take it with them into the next year, then does it matter if they make it into Harvard or a community college or go to college at all? Eternally speaking, does it? In foster care you learn that moments, not set point milestones matter most. In foster care you learn to be present. In foster care you learn the richness in God's promise of His sufficiency of grace for today.

Parenting my own children should have the same intentional urgency. I have to show up every day and give 100% because I DO NOT have time to waste. Those precious gifts are gifts and they are mine to care for only for a limited time. I must be present now or it will not matter later. I must show them Jesus today in every moment now or it will not matter later. There is no greater mission, no greater job, no greater responsibility that God has given me than this right here of being a mother to the children He has placed in my care. One day, they will leave too. They may be my blood, but there is no gurantee that when they leave my home they will carry my morals, my values, my hopes and dreams for them, or even my devotion to God if I DO NOT DISCIPLE THEM EVERY SINGLE DAY AS IF IT WERE THE ONLY DAY WE HAD TOGETHER. Foster care has taught me how precious our days are together and how great my responsibility is to be present with them.

I have found less guilt in saying no to things that take me away from the children. I have that my passion is fueled even more now that I am fully committed to every day and not divided. My desire is not for their collegic future, but for their hearts and lives to belong to the Kingdom. I am absolutely convinved that God can handle it from there. It's pretty amazing, as a mom, that once you put yourself in the place of Hannah and hand your child over to God and let Him carry their future, your job in the right now becomes crystal clear. God gave us a mission and it's an amazing one, moms! Don't miss out on it. Life is but a breath and if you plan too long you will miss the best parts.

*Obligatory disclaimer: This is the area where God is refining me because I am an addicted planner of everything! I have my days where I have my OCD moments and I have to tell myself "Hey Elsa, let it go."
Read Part 1, How Foster Care Has Made Me a Better Parent

Foster Care Reflections: How Foster Care Has Made Me A Better Parent Pt.1

2018-03-19T14:44:00.001-05:00

Parenting is an adventure full of ups and downs, excitement and tears. Whether it's your first child or your fourth child, you always doubt yourself a bit. Parenting books are even more popular than dieting books because these tiny humans aren't born with instruction manuals! Yet, at some point we begin to fall into a comfortable routines with our children. We know them. We know their facial expressions and their laughs. We know their likes, their dislikes, their fears, and their dreams. We don't know it all, but the guesswork begins to disappear with time.
Foster children do not afford us the luxury of time. We do not know what they were like as babies or if they have the same laugh as their grandfather. We don't know if they have any inherited diseases or personality traits. We have no clue about the secrets they hide about fears, dislikes, dreams, and desires. They are an enigma.
To parent them we must ask lots of questions. We must become the puzzlemaster and investigate what motivates their behavior. Why do they react this certain way around certain people? What makes them not want to go to school? Why would they lie about seemingly unimportant things? What drives them? Who do they look up to? What do they fear the most? How can I love them the best? What is their love language? What do they enjoy? What kind of learner are they?
As I got into the habit of asking all of these things with my bonus babies, I realized that I rarely did them with my own children. I took for granted that I knew what motivated my own children. Even though I logically know children develop and change, I assumed I knew what they were thinking. I stopped investigating my children in such a way that would help me know them deeper. My children were adapting and changing not only to life itself but also to every foster child who came into our home. The culture in our home would change slightly every time someone new came to live with us. We could never take for granted that we simply "knew" each other anymore. The moment I realized that I knew my bonus children better than my own was the moment I realized my parenting needed to change.
For starters, foster parents cannot parent like any other families. Our family dynamics are completely different. This goes for our bonus babies and for our own children as well. Once that fact is understood, we can move on to the next phase which is parenting our children in the way that they need. Our children need to be understood in the same way we strive to understand each new child that walks through our door. Our children will adapt and grow throughout the fostering process so we need to be aware of this and remain curious of our budding bios. We can never take for granted that "they know we love them" because this entire process is scary for children. We can never blow off the fact that they just "know I'll always be here for them" because this system has shown them life doesn't play fair.
In my house there are no favorites. When I was looking for the best way to design a new parenting style, I looked to Jesus. Jesus does not play favorites-rich, poor, Jew, or Gentile. So in my house, they are all my children and I do not play favorites. Every single one of them needs to know how much they are loved and that I will always be there for them. Above that, they all need to know that I am human and I will disappoint them, but God's love is everlasting to everlasting. Instead of dividing my love and trying to decide who gets my best and who gets the rest, I went with the example of Jesus and I give them His ALL poured out through me.
This is exhausting, I'm not even going to lie. Yet, if you know me you know that I find exhausting to be the most exhilirating way to live. "...They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Foster Care Reflections: PTSD Pays A Visit

2018-03-13T14:00:00.002-05:00

PTSD in children is a real thing. It's a terrible thing to witness as it spirals out of control. As a mother, you want to comfort them and ease their pain; you want to bring calm to the raging storm inside of them. PTSD is no friend of mothers, it's no friend of anybody. As an outsider, I have to watch helplessly as it rips open wounds inside my bonus baby that eyes cannot see. PTSD symptoms don't just last a few hours, they can last for days. So I stay close, I offer reassurance, and I hold my breath.

The thing about parenting children from hard places is that their past traumas don't follow our schedule. They don't play favorites and they show no mercy. Training does not prepare you for days like these. Books do not describe what it feels like in your soul on days like these. No one wants to talk about days like these (honestly, neither do I). It shatters your heart, it punches you in the gut, it makes you angry, and it strikes the worst kind of bone-melting terror into you. Will I know the right way to handle this? Will I even be able to handle this? When will I know when it's over? How will I know before next time?

Then the dust settles and you look back and beat yourself up a little over how you missed the "signs". Why didn't I notice that he was on edge? How did I not see the trainwreck about to happen? Why was I not more vigilant? It's what we mothers do, always. I'm sure I missed a few clues somewhere, but there is no way I could have predicted with accuracy how it all would have fallen apart. Logically, I know this is true. My momma heart still hurts a little too much right now to fully take it in, though.

Humans are fascinatingly diverse. This also means children suffering from trauma operating in survival mode are virtually unpredictable. For some, this unpredictability makes children from hard places dangerous and even scary. I get that, I really do. Yet, I also see beautiful souls that are hurting and scared and need adults to come alongside them and let them know it's going to be okay. We don't look at someone in a car wreck that's bleeding from the head and run away because they are "damaged and dangerous". We don't yell at them for being stupid and tell them they now have to suffer the "natural consequences" of their actions. We don't tell them it's time to get out of the car and "move on" because everyone has had a wound at some point. No, we spring into action. People remove victims from the damage, get them to safety, treat the immediate wounds, and get them the proper help. Why do we not do that for the children who come into our care barely walking in their damaged lives with a bleeding heart? They don't need our routines as much as they need our care. They don't need our discipline as much as they need our grace. They don't need our "culture" as much as they need us to help them understand how to live inside their own. They don't need our family as much as they need us to bridge and mentor the one they already have.

When Christ was calling me years ago, I was resistant because I believed that I was too broken, too sinful, and too damaged for Him to love. That's when I found the true meaning of grace. After all the melt-downs and the behaviors and the broken things from my bonus babies, I keep coming back to grace. Children from hard places can become hardened to such luxuries as grace, forgiveness, and unconditional love. It isn't up to us to save them, it is up to us to be living breathing examples of His love. If Christ could take a broken life like mine and redeem it, then He can build my bonus babies up from the rubble as many times as they attempt to knock the house down. And as many times as it takes, I will stand by in faith that God isn't finished with any of us yet. PTSD is real, but so is God's amazing ability to transform brokenness into beauty.

Foster Care Reflections: You May Be Tired But He's Not Done

2018-03-06T09:14:00.000-06:00

Many doctors and nurses have said the same thing, "this year has been the worst!" and we're barely 3 months in. I completely concur. Our house has battled non-stop sickness since December and it's now March. At first, it was no big deal and we rolled with it. However, I have taken the full force of it for the last month and this momma and her body is tired. I'm worn out. Finito. Done. Exhausted. And whatever other words there are to describe it. For the past week, I have barely showered, ate, or done anything other than take meds and sleep. Yeah, I'm so rock n' roll.
As I sat at yet another doctors appointment for another kid, I began to just wonder how I could possibly carry on the mission God has given me when I myself could barely stay out of bed. How useful could I possibly be worn out, used up, and sick all the time? As I sat there trying not to fall asleep, I thought of Paul in prison. I thought of Paul and his shipwreck. Paul was a guy who had tunnel vision. Circumstances never determined his mission, they only added flare. He had tunnel vision for Christ. He had a mission and he was sticking to it come what may. So there in the waiting room, I found a new prayer. I prayed that God would give me opportunities no matter where I was and that He would open my eyes to those opportunities. I prayed that in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer that I would be in step with His Spirit. If I am to love HIM more than my husband, more than my children, more than any other thing on this earth, then my vow should echo as much. If chains cannot bind me and the grave cannot keep me then sickness cannot stop me when His will is what drives me. So I also prayed for forgiveness for shortsightedness on a temporary problem and thinking that it could derail an eternal plan.
Momming is so tough during seasons such as these. When you have a mob of kids it's even tougher. It's so easy to think that we're losing ground and losing the fight of what God has called us to do. It's so easy to beat ourselves up because we aren't doing everything like social media says that we should. If you're a foster mom, I say with complete love STOP IT. Rule number 1, you cannot parent like everyone else because we are basically like a whole separate subspecies here. The typical rules just don't apply! God gave you a mission that is unique and wonderful and you should treasure that. Don't trade it in for a cheap knock-off. When you feel you're in the middle of that storm, do what Paul did and seek God first. When you feel you are chained in a prison of troubles with no way out, seek God first. God gave Paul opportunities each and every time. Paul was effective each and every time. Paul's circumstances didn't necessarily change, but Paul was able to use them. I think that's where we need our hearts to be in this life. We need our eyes and hearts to change and soften with grace and then be awakened with boldness. We need to see that even the worst circumstances can be useful if we will just seek God first.
So if this is you too, if you got up out of bed this morning and that's as far as you got, God can use that. If your house is a wreck and you're a week behind on laundry, God can use that. If you have zero energy, no fall back plans left, nothing but tears to offer anyone, God can use all of it. I cannot guarantee that your circumstances will change, but I can guarantee your perspective will. After all, that's all that really ever does, isn't it? Once we see the way God sees, we find that it is us that changed not the world around us. Momma, unload your burden and lay down that weight. God has something different in mind for you.

Foster Care Reflections: You Cannot Do This...

2018-03-03T13:39:00.003-06:00

When approaching any worthy endeavor in life we should always count the cost and prepare for the task. We should make sure that we have acquired the skills and knowledge needed for whatever journey we are about to embark on and spend time thoroughly covering the "what-if" emergency plans. It's how we cover the details and ensure that what we invest our time in will be worth our effort and end in success. It's how we ensure good results. Or at least it's how we spin our wheels trying.
Most people who go into foster care do the same thing. We go through the training, we talk to others, we read a book and we prepare our home. We are filled in our hearts with a sense of great purpose and great dreams of how we will love hurt children all the way to healed again. Sure, we are aware that it's not all sunshine and rainbows, but we are just as sure that we are up to the task because we KNOW that we have been called! Unfortunately, no one ever really tells us that all the preparation in the world cannot fully prepare you for what walks through your door. That's when the rubber meets the road and all your training and preparation is forgotten. You're on your own. From that day forward you are tested and tried and every ounce of your faith and character is dragged out for judgment. You are refined in the fires of foster care.
In case you're wondering, no you cannot do this. YOU are not strong enough, patient enough, nor loving enough to stick it out. I promise YOU are not. No matter how much of a saint you are, your strength can only hold so much, your patience has a limit, and your love has a bottom. You will reach your end long before the children even get warmed up. YOU cannot do this by yourself.
God, however, has loved that child long before they were thought of. I have found no end to the love of God. His love is "everlasting to everlasting". When you think you've hit your limits and you've had enough, He says "No, you need to regroup and go back. That's my child in your home and I'm not done with either of you". When you think you've been taken advantage of too many times, when you think the birth parents have screwed up too many times, when you think the system is too messed up to work with, God reminds you that His patience is something you cannot possibly understand. He reminds you that YOUR eyes belong on HIM. YOUR focus is to be on HIM. If you take your eyes off of Him and look within yourself you will only find a limited amount of resources and the outlook will be pretty grim. The system is a mess, foster care is hard, people are broken-not a delightful sight. If you keep your eyes focused on HIM you find hope, strength, grace, joy, and everything you need provided in abundance. He does not have your prejudice, your bias judgments, your favoritism, your need for space, your selfishness, or your finite view of the heart. He doesn't look at people the way we look at people nor does He judge time the way we judge time. By keeping our eyes focused on Him, we learn to open our hearts and minds to love others the way He loves us.
What typical training doesn't tell you is that you don't start with a good book or the "right heart", you start on your knees with the right focus. You absolutely cannot venture any further into foster care without the guidance of God and the power of the Holy Spirit. Peter didn't reach out for Christ's hand on the water as a last resort, he was already walking after Him. That's exactly how it should be with us. We should begin our journey walking after Christ first, then let Him lead us through foster care.Then and only then can we navigate the wind and waves that come with broken families in a broken world. To our human hearts, this seems impossible and terrifying; we fear the pain of loving strangers in such an intimate way. To God, this is the exact kind of life He has called us to. In the same way that He grafts us into His family, we are to model this love to the world. We are living, breathing salt and light in a way that the world cannot understand but so desperately needs.
There are many, many days that I end up in tears overwhelmed by the task before me. I come to the end of myself. Thank God I'm not by myself. It's especially on these days that I hear that familiar whisper "keep your eyes on me". Everything then comes sharply into focus; "Feed my sheep". Foster care is my mission field, I know it as much as I know anything else. I also know I have not the strength, wisdom, grace, or depth of love to carry on one single day by myself. There isn't enough coffee in the world to keep me going day after day. Yet, I am cautious to say that I do this because I am "called" because I never want people to mistake that I feel under obligation. I am honored to be called, but I love what God has given us to do. I am compelled BECAUSE of His love and it is that love which continues to pour out onto others. It is hard and it is scary, but I absolutely love it. Even on the worst days I never, ever think of NOT fostering. Fostering feels like active love at its messy best. In Luke 6:27-36 But to you who are listening I say:

Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful".

Sometimes fostering feels like forcibly loving your enemies. The children don't like you or trust you (and rightfully so) and all you want to do is love them! If you get caught up in how ungrateful they are for all you're doing, then both of you lose. If, however, you stay focused on what God has commissioned you to do and see it through, He will be glorified whether you see the results or not (and that's the point anyway).
I know this was a lot, but I really wanted to press us all back home to where our focus should be in times of crisis or times of joy. We cannot minister to others in foster care if we are not being ministered to through the Holy Spirit. It's very easy to get lost in all the paperwork and meetings and appointments and behaviors and charts and whatever, whatever. It's so easy to just drown in all of it and find ourselves unsure of which way is up. It's easy to lose focus. Been there, done that, lost my t-shirt somewhere in it. Everytime, usually during a good cry, I bring it back to God. Every time. He's my pillar of fire in the darkness, He parts the sea when I'm overwhelmed, He grabs my hand when I'm sinking. I simply cannot stress it enough that there is no other first step than towards Him. If you are considering fostering, please let God thoroughly search your heart so that you are in alignment with Him first. Second, check out the resources page on our website Foster the Future. If you are currently fostering and struggling, take every moment that you can to BE WITH GOD. Let Him be your source of strength, light, joy, peace, and grace. Support from others and great and very much needed. However, others cannot fill what you need, only God can do that. May His grace and peace be abundant in your hearts and in your homes.
Kristy Nofsinger
Foster the Future-Ministry Leader

Foster Care Reflections: It's Just Intense

2018-02-26T17:00:00.001-06:00

Doing what I do with a mess of kids is incredibly joyful, but it is also incredibly intense. Having one child with intellectual disabilities and one child with an anxiety system on crack makes things even a bit more interesting. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do with every fiber of my being. It's just that hearing my name a thousand times in a span of five minutes some days can be....intense.
Parenting is stressful. Foster care ramps this up a lot and this is where we have to be careful. Research shows that parents who are stressed parent differently and this affects the entire family. We may think that we are the only ones who feel the burden and the strain and the intense frustration, but we aren't. Everyone in the house is feeling it.
I have to make behavior plans and chore charts and reward systems and even activity choices because there are so many behavior issues we are currently correcting. They are all filled with an extreme amount of possibility and hope, but the responsibility can just be daunting on a day when all you want to do is talk to your husband about nothing. There are days when your organized, color-coded brain wants a break to do nothing but sit and enjoy the day. However, these children thrive on routine and "go with the flow" spells absolute disaster. It's an internal struggle for mommas like me. Part of us wants to do the fun things we see other mommas doing on lovely days like today by throwing out household duties and heading to the park, but we can't. We want to say "no" to afterschool routines and say "yes" to anything that involves outdoors, but we can't. We just want to relax, but we can't. Some days that is hard to accept.
It's the intense days like this that just suck the joy out of a momma. These are the days when we have to step back, buckle down, and remember that God has called us to an entirely different kind of life than those other mommas. He didn't say it would be easy. He never even said it would be fun (and it totally has been). He said it would be worth it and I believe Him. He has honored me with a life that is filled to the brim with purpose and promise and that doesn't come easy. A life like that is supposed to be INTENSE. These are the days when I have to remember that I chose this life when I chose to follow Him because He loved them long before I knew them. Where He goes, I go; whatever road, whatever cost. Most importantly, I have to remember how intensely and how fiercely I love them. The charts and the plans and the routines are how I love them the way they need. These don't confine us, they help us grow together. We do our own thing and we do it really well.
If you are in the same place, try not to forget why you are here. Do not let yourself get sucked into the negativity of comparison. We live a life that is beautiful in its own way. Let it be intensely beautiful.

Kristy Nofsinger
Foster the Future Ministry Leader

Foster Care Reflections: The Beautiful Mess

2018-02-19T15:23:00.000-06:00

I'm a mess. Kids are a mess. Foster care is a mess. At least we're a mess together. As much as I love children and I love the end result of reunification, I always secretly fear the middle mess of foster care. There are so many unknowns. So many things that could go wrong. So many things that DO go wrong. It's great and then it's not. You're the hero and then you're not. You're in a rhythm and then you're not. You've figured it out and then you know absolutely nothing. It's crazy and wonderful and terrifying.

This time around had been all of that times 100. Up and down and around the mountain she came. I had several breakdowns where I thought I just couldn't do this anymore. I questioned my purpose and calling in all of this. Yet, meeting and spending time with mom has been wonderful. God's grace never ran out on me. His patience with me has inspired more patience, more understanding, and even more compassion for others. I can honestly say now that I enjoy her. I enjoy watching her with HER kids. I love seeing their faces when they see her. There is no more pain in my heart. I feel a twinge of pain now only to think of not seeing HER as well as the children. It's as if God opened my heart so wide it swallowed her up too. Our family is wrapped up together by His divine plan.
I found myself at the alter the other day because of her. The weight of walking alongside her as she begins to lead her family by herself was nearly crushing. It is an honor, but also a great responsibility. My heart aches for her at the same time it rejoices in all she has accomplished. The mess I secretly feared, full of its unknowns, is here and it's a mosaic masterpiece.

I'm looking forward to much more of walking together. I'm looking forward to strengthening this new friendship and building our new family. I'm looking forward to watching her grow in strength and courage herself. I am looking forward to watching God restore their family and heal their hearts. The part so many people fear about foster care is the letting go, but this is the part where I get to step back and watch God do AMAZING work in people I love so very much. This is a time to rejoice and be excited! Being strong and courageous is a command pregnant with excitement for the journey that God has laid out ahead. Fostering is hard, but it is also so very good.

Foster Care Reflections: Life With Birth Mom

2018-02-03T09:02:00.000-06:00

We have been spending time doing family with birth mom and it has been nothing short of wonderful. It is always something people fear, including myself. There are so many unknowns when we venture to take that step of letting others into our lives on such a personal level, yet this is the call of foster care. Foster care isn't about dropping money into a bucket and walking away. It isn't about keeping one foot out the door so that you never get hurt. It isn't about being safe with your emotions. Foster care is dangerous, it hurts, it's scary, it's unpredictable, and it's the best thing that has ever happened to our family.
We have had dinners and bible studies with birth mom. We have shared games and motherhood stories together and even church with mom. We shared our life stories around the table of what brought us to this point and what Christ has redeemed. It was a beautiful, bonding time between all of us. God moved mountains in our hearts. The Spirit parted the sea of months of frustration and anger so we could walk right through it and then, at last, the walls around my heart came crashing down. I looked at the mom of the children I had grown to love with brand new eyes. I realized I loved this mom just as much as I loved those kids. I never thought that could ever be possible, but I knew there was no way I could ever see this family fail. I loved this entire family, not just the children.
It takes God calling you out and reminding you that you are holding back STILL from what He is calling you to do. I know so often we see that foster care is only about the children. So often we see only the needs of the children and we forget entirely that they are just a piece of a family system. We forget that they are not orphans and that they have parents who love them the best way that they know how EVEN if that isn't OUR way. We forget God is calling us to a much, much bigger mission than just to love very hurting, innocent children. I know I forgot. It's so easy to do. I'm so thankful God reminded me because I might have missed out on this lovely woman who sits in my house and is sharing her life with me on a regular basis.
We are doing life together now and I love it. I honestly can't imagine doing this any other way. There is a peace in knowing that we are stronger together, the way God designed community to be. There is comfort in knowing that it is the Spirit that works when we are together so that I don't have to say all the right things or try to do all the right things. I don't have to overthink things, I just have to have the kind of wisdom we are told to have in James 3:17.

Life isn't about playing it safe. At least, living a life for God isn't about playing it safe. We are constantly entering into a new adventure, a new season, a new stage of unknowns. Yet one thing I have found is that whether you are 40 days in the wilderness or 3 days in the tomb, God's faithfulness is everlasting to everlasting! Do not waver when He asks you (or calls you out) to take that step into the unknown because He knows exactly where you're headed. Trust His lead.

Foster Care Reflections: There Is Only An Us

2018-01-13T10:00:00.000-06:00

For the word of God is living and effective and sharper than any double-edged sword, penetrating as far as the separation of soul and spirit, joints and marrow. It is able to judge the ideas and thoughts of the heart.Hebrews 4:12

The WORD has truly been my undoing. As if you pulled a loose thread from a tapestry and continued to pull until it lay in piles of colored thread on the floor; unrecognizable from its original beauty all intricately woven together with skill and precision. There had settled in me a comfort in where I was in my faith and, in that, I grew fearful. I began to recognize that my American Christianity did not line up to Kingdom Christianity in so many ways. There was a division, an imbalance. My mission field was clashing with my home turf. I was coming undone...and I hadn't gone anywhere.

God was branching me out-to hold more, to reach more, to see more. I could not remain who I was and become who I will be.

But everything that was a gain to me, I have considered to be a loss because of Christ. More than that, I also consider everything to be a loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. Because of Him I have suffered the loss of all things and consider them filth, so that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own from the law, but one that is through faith in Christ — the righteousness from God based on faith. Philippians 3:7-9

There is only us.

The two greatest commands tell us 1) it's ALL about God and 2) it's about "the us". There is no room for me, there is only us. When we read Bible stories we often zero in on the main character and overlook the fact that there is an entire society around them. The stories are meant to spotlight an individual's story within the group not a group of individual's stories. We read it wrong because that's how we live, as individuals. This individual thinking makes it hard for us to comprehend the importance of biblical language on such things as family and honor. We struggle to understand the importance and application of it all and so we skip most of it. We break it down to 5 min devotionals and just our favorite books and we leave the rest because, seriously, Deuteronomy?? But it's because we don't understand the context, the culture, or the big "WHY"!?

What I'm learning is that I need to adjust my eyes, my thinking, and my heart to a counter-cultural way of being. What's more, this applies to bridging families in foster care. I've said numerous times how we are like a culture all our own and this fully applies! You see, in foster care, there is no me or you either, there is only an us. WE all LOVE the children so much that we must have the same goal and so there absolutely, positively, no way around it, has to be an US. There is no room for me. There is no room for you. There is no room for individualistic preferences.

There is so much to unpack here that I will be writing several posts on this; I simply cannot put it all clearly and fully into one. Here are some things I will be addressing in the future posts:

We often tell each other for encouragement, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jerm. 29:11, as if this is a promise to each of us individually, but it doesn't say that. He said that to those He was exiling as a promise that He would eventually bring them back. Some did not make it back, some even got left behind, and the King had his eyes cut out after watching his sons be murdered right in front of him. Obviously, it didn't seem to work out so good for everyone. The 'you' is an everybody 'you'. Would you still faithfully follow Christ even if the only promise you had meant that the "plans to prosper" was for the WHOLE Body and not for you personally? What if the 'promise' was not to be fulfilled in your lifetime, would you still follow?

We teach Jesus loves ME. God made ME. God sent His son for ME. The Bible is a love story for ME. I am special and I am unique. The only problem is that we all grew up thinking I am the center of God's universe instead of the other way around. In an individualistic society, we just assume that everything is about ME (after all that's what we've heard in every single Bible story as far back as we can remember). Yet, that's not the way it was written. Do you treat God as the center of your universe or as if You are the center of HIS? Do we even really know what idolatry means?

As God continues to grow me through the process, I am humbled and grateful that I get to share it will all of you. I am thankful that you all come along for the journey and I hope you are all growing too. We are an US. Continue to encourage and pray for each other!

FC Reflections: Sometimes I Forget I'm Human

2017-12-28T08:48:00.000-06:00

Do you ever see me dressed all frumpy and think I should try harder? Do you ever hear me get short with my kids and think I could have done better? Do you ever see me missing from social engagements, show up late for meetings, sneak out early from gatherings, or just sit away from the crowd and think that I must be in over my head? Don't worry, I think the same things all the time. I forget I'm human too.
Moms are incredible, but not like the world makes us out to be. We aren't some kind of movie-star heroes. I mean, I don't even own a lightsaber (okay, not anymore). The older I get (not to mention the more children who come through my home) the more I am aware of my own weaknesses in the mom department. Never deceive yourselves about a child's ability to show you in a nanosecond where your selfishness and sin hides. We teach them many things and in the process, they teach us. In this battle for heart and soul, for square footage and remote, I forget that I am only human. I often forget that though my expectations run high and self-set standards even higher, these are simply unrealistic. The load I place upon myself is too heavy and eventually, my weary knees give out.
It's days like yesterday, during Christmas break, where it seemed everyone had a bad day all at once. Seriously, 9 people had a bad day all at once and it was too cold to go outside. We were stuck together for better or worse. Nothing this momma did seemed to work. I pulled out every trick in the book and nothing worked. It was Armageddon, kidlet style. I was in tears of failure by 5pm. I forgot I was human. Have you ever had those days? Have you ever forgotten that though you were created to be incredible, you are also human with finite strength?
Maybe you don't watch many hero type films, but I'm a big fan of Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. If you have ever read a hero style book or watched a movie they all follow the same pattern. The hero is called to action and then gets some kind of supernatural help. Then, he finds friends who help him on this quest where he must face trials of many kids. However, he usually gains rewards and wisdom to prove himself as the "hero". Have you ever noticed our lives kind of follow the same pattern? We are called to action in our Christian walk in whatever it is we do by which God has already promised that He is our strength, our comfort, our generous giver of wisdom. I know I need not look far to find friends that God has brought into my life for this journey and even when I cannot find words, HE is there. Through all of these trials, He grants me more grace and wisdom as I seek Him and, paradoxically, I find peace and humility rather than a sense of elevated status like the movies. I also find that I'm not the hero of the story and I have no desire to be. I have no desire for a medal or trophy because I know the eternal reward that awaits is far greater than anything that could be given me on earth. So, like the prodigal son, I begin chasing the dream of being a hero only to find myself at the King's court pledging myself to His service instead.
So, yeah, some days I forget I'm human. I beat myself to a pulp. I'm pretty sure we moms do that a lot. Honestly, we need those days as reminders that we aren't superheroes and we don't do this alone. Not even the heroes in the movies do it alone. So while it's nice for a moment to motivate ourselves with images of Wonder Woman and think we can conquer the world or something, she's no more of a hero than us. We would do better to set realistic expectations, logoff, and open our Bibles. God has really been impressing upon me James 3:17 as we approach the new year. As I look at setting good and reasonable expectations, I love this verse for mine. Have a blessed New Year full of grace, wisdom, and real joy.