Jessica Simpson broke her nose while filming a scene that required her to both run and carry a gun on the set of her upcoming movie, Major Movie Star. The directors really should have known better.

Jessica Simpson has broken her nose after she accidentally hit herself in the face with a gun while shooting scenes for her new movie Major Movie Star.

The singer-turned-actress stars as an American Hollywood actress who decides to join the army in the film.

Simpson explained: “I was running with a gun over my head and fell over and broke my nose, it really hurt!”

The star has previously cited her nose as her favourite feature, saying: “There are a lot of girls with a similar body to mine, but my nose is special and unique to me.”

I spent about five minutes looking at that picture of her face, trying to figure out what she thought may make her nose unique. Is it the two nostrils? Probably not. The bridge? Hmm, doubtful. The fact that there’s only one of them on her face? That can’t be it. And at the end of this rigorous examination, I came to the only possible conclusion: when you stare at Jessica Simpson for too long, she completely ceases to be hot. She sort of looks like a Barbie whose face is being pinched in from the forehead and the chin, only with way uglier clothes.

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Proving that he can barely so much as put on his shoes without calling a press conference about it, Michael Lohan is whoring out a taped phone message he allegedly received from Lindsay while she’s been in rehab.

Papa Lohan played a tape to Extra, which he claimed was from a phone conversation he had with Lindsay.

The alleged voice of Lindsay said, “I called mom earlier and asked her how to get through to you … She wouldn’t tell me. … To be honest, I sat in a room with Cody (brother) and he wants to see you but he is so afraid of what mom tells him … I know that mom still loves you. Dad, I’m the same person as you. I’m the same as you. … Why are you becoming a minister? Dad, that’s retarded. Are you becoming a minister to prove yourself? You don’t have to be a minister to stay sober … I know that mom’s drinking did not keep you sober. Mom, shouldn’t drink, I know.”

For the first time in the history of ever, I agree with Lindsay Lohan on something: her father should not become a minister. Who the hell wants to go get spiritual enlightenment, only to spend the entire service reassuring the minister that “Yeah, sure, I bet she really likes you best. No, you seem like a great dad. Hey, no, that’s okay, I don’t want to hold her baby teeth. Ew, you have a pair of her underwear? Man, put that away, nobody wants to see that.”

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Because I’m pretty sure it’s now a law that every 20-something woman has to admit to at least one same-sex crush, Jessica Biel is letting the world know that hers is Jennifer Aniston.

Jessica Biel has a same-sex crush on Jennifer Aniston.

“My latest thing is that I want to do everything that scares me.”

It’s a shame that these two can’t have babies together. Healthy, toned, outdoorsy babies. Science really needs to get on that. I mean, yeah yeah, curing diseases, the quest for knowledge, improved quality of life, whatever. The public demands beautiful girl-girl babies!

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Either Allure magazine has a magical wizard on their staff, or their Photoshop experts deserve a raise. They turned Britney Spears from, well, Britney Spears into a vaguely hot (and clean!) woman who could only look less like Britney if they shot photos of Morgan Freeman instead.

Exhibit A:

“Oh, hello. I almost didn’t see you there. I was just in the middle of putting on my size two jeans. As you can see, I haven’t even buttoned them yet! But don’t worry, I fit into them easily. What’s that? My face looks weird? It does not, you shut up right now!”

Exhibit B:

“I had to sit down, your scorn was so exhausting. Do you notice how, though I’m sitting, I have no muffin top bulge? Please take a moment to revel in my silky smoothness. Not a mark or a blemish to be found on this body, no sir! I know you’ve seen recent candid pictures of me that would seem to belie this hot bod, but that’s why I’m here; to set you straight! And I’ll have you know that nobody has a perfectly symmetrical face, STUPIDS.”

Exhibit C:

“Blossom? I do not look like Blossom! Kiss my perfectly toned ass!”

Exhibit D:

“Would Blossom pose this seductively, suckers? I say no. That was Six’s territory. And maybe Joey Lawrence’s. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get some rest. It’s hard being this naturally hot. Hear that? NATURALLY hot. Because this is all me, baby. Candid city. Hot!”

Kevin Federline thought he had a role in a new Keanu Reeves flick, until the day he showed up on the set and was turned away with a “Sorry, you’re not in this movie.”

It looks like Kevin Federline isn’t ready for his closeup after all.

Britney Spears’ baby-daddy was to have appeared, briefly, in Keanu Reeves’ new film, “The Night Watchman.”

“He had a very small role; he was in a montage,” says one West Coast wag.

But the rumor mill (possibly fueled by his own people, depending on how much of a conspiracy theorist you are) beefed the story up until Federline was “starring opposite” Reeves.

Either way, someone on the film decided that K-Fed’s services were no longer required.

“He was fired from the film, but his manager didn’t tell him,” laughs a snitch. “Kevin found out when he turned up for a wardrobe call.”

Federline’s manager did not respond to a request for comment. Despite online reports and the confirmation of our insider, a rep for Fox Searchlight told us that Federline was never cast in the film.

This guy’s whole life is about being dumped in the most embarrassing ways possible. First Britney blew him off via text message, now this. His parents may as well send him a barbershop quartet to say he’s being disowned, just to finish off the trifecta.

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There have been reports of Jessica Simpson’s bad behavior on the set of Major Movie Star, but producer Randall Emmett says that’s all a bunch of nonsense.

The producer of Jessica Simpson’s upcoming film Major Movie Star has denied reports the actress is behaving like a diva onset.

Filmmaker Randall Emmett insists stories of Simpson arriving late on a daily basis and making big demands are completely untrue.

He says, “Jessica’s fun, committed and focused. She is a team player and she makes it fun. She’s a workhorse. Jessica is a total pro.”

If Jessica is focused, I can only assume it’s because the crew learned their lesson and removed all shiny things from the set, and possibly the lost art of stealth Ritalin dosing.

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Criss Angel gets around. First Cameron Diaz, then Lindsay Lohan, and now Britney Spears. I hope he has a trick that conjures penicillin.

“Another night, another hookup for Britney Spears! Her latest conquest? Notorious womanizer Criss Angel, 39.

Cameron Diaz’s former fling was seen escorting the pop star inside the Tower Beverly Hills Hotel on Wednesday night, where the two held hands and headed up to a suite on the 11th floor.”

Criss Angel really IS amazing…for hooking up with the neediest, sluttiest crack-whores in Hollywood. All he needs to complete his set are Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton. He’s 2 steps away from being arrested in a back alley with a transvestite.

Here’s a pic of them together at the Tower:

(Click to enlarge)

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Note: A commenter - who ought to start their own blog, since they’re better at this than we are - has pointed out that Criss has indeed had a piece of Paris. Keep it up, Criss! You’re so close to sweeping the category!

Though his Jason Bourne character inevitably invites comparisons to the iconic James Bond, Matt Damon made it known in no uncertain terms exactly how false those comparisons are.

Assassin Jason Bourne and 007 James Bond might both be agents – but that’s where the comparisons begin and end for actor Matt Damon.

Damon’s character, assassin Jason Bourne, has been repeatedly likened to 007 but at a press conference to promote new film The Bourne Ultimatum, Damon did his very own character assassination on “imperialist and mysogynist” Bond.

Damon, currently Hollywood’s most bankable star, said: “The Bond thing, I understand the comparison because they are both agents and it’s the world of espionage and all, but the characters are so fundamentally different they almost don’t bear comparison.

“Bond is an imperialist and a misogynist who kills people and laughs about it, and drinks Martinis and cracks jokes.

“Bourne is a serial monogamist whose girlfriend is dead and he does nothing but think about her.

“He doesn’t have the support of gadgets, and he feels guilty for what he’s done.”

When asked if the Bourne films were better than Bond, he replied: “It’s not better or worse, it’s just different and it’s almost impossible to compare.”

He went on to say “No, wait, that’s a lie. My movies are way better. Screw Daniel Craig and his stupid limey accent. USA! USA!”

Some pictures of Matt and his wife at last night’s London premiere:

(Click to enlarge)

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Amy Winehouse was reportedly seeking treatment for substance abuse in America this week, but that was apparently a giant lie, since now she’s been spotted getting brain scans in London.  Yeah, I don’t know either.

Troubled Amy Winehouse sensationally walked out of rehab yesterday — then took a helicopter to London for a brain scan.

The heroin and cocaine-addicted singer quit after less than 48 hours — despite her worried parents’ pleas to stay.

She left a clinic in Essex and flew back to Camden, North London, where she overdosed on drink and drugs eight days ago.

Later she and hubby Blake Fielder-Civil visited a private doctors surgery in central London — before planning a night out with pals.

Her worried parents Mitch and Janis are now considering getting her sectioned to force her into getting help for her problems.

Doctors ordered Amy, 23, to have the brain scan after she had a seizure during her overdose. It will reveal whether the singer has a form of epilepsy — which could have been undetected until now.

A source said: “The London clinic has specialists who deal with brain-related problems.”

The good news is that, according to epilepsy.com, heroin is relatively okay for epileptics. The bad news is that cocaine isn’t. The worst news is that, my God, just go to rehab already, you toothless wonder. And eat a freaking cheeseburger or ten. And seriously, enough with the eyeliner already.

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