Envision this scenario: You meet a man. He’s handsome, charming, gainfully employed and attends church regularly – Mr. Good on Paper. After weeks of flirting, he finally asks you on a date for a little dining, a little dancing, and some stimulating conversation. You of course, agree. During the date, he gently takes your hand in his, looks into your eyes, and confesses he’s looking to settle down with that one special woman. Your heart melts. Could he be the one?

Fast-forward one month and things couldn’t be better. The two of you are spending all your time together and your heart is telling you he’s the one, so you give in to your fleshly desires. There’s just one teeny tiny issue: He failed to mention that being monogamous isn’t necessarily his forte. While he loves the idea of commitment, he can’t seem to follow through on it. And this becomes painfully apparent as you discover he not only has two baby mamas, but also a third child on the way.

Funny, how we seem to find out about things after the fact. After we’ve mentally planned out our wedding and picked out china patterns. Or had 12 rounds of mind-blowing sex. As women, we want to believe that Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome is “the one,” so we ignore all the cues from within that tell us otherwise.

“Keep your heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life” (Proverbs 4:23).

The Bible cautions us to be careful about who and what we subject our hearts to. (I can’t count how many times I’ve learned this lesson the hard way.) We always fall short when we let our emotions (and our hormones) weigh in on whether our new beau is worthy of our heart. It takes time to form a genuine relationship and once you give up the goods, it’s hook, line and sinker. Even if we later discover the guy is a loser, we still find ourselves craving his companionship – whether we want to or not. Before we invest too much of ourselves into a relationship, it’s important that we get to know a man… and most importantly, THE MAN (God).

Periodically, your attitude of having a mate may fluctuate between desperation and patiently waiting for God’s timing. Now that I’m in my thirties, I find myself swaying between being happily single and hearing the tick of my biological clock. However, being single is the perfect time to be about God’s business, developing your talents and realizing your life’s purpose. After all, who has time to wallow in loneliness and self-pity when you’re out there making a difference in the world and dedicating yourself to something greater than yourself?

But I admit, it’s not always easy to resist the allure of every fine, six-foot, bald-headed man I meet. (Okay, I have a thing for tall men with bald heads.) During times like these, I simply cry out to the Lord and say:

“Please God help me resist the urge to jump on Mr. Hella Fine and do naughty things; in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

Don’t be afraid to be real with God. Prayer is not a time to be prim and proper and merely recite memorized scriptures. The more honest you can be with God and with yourself, the more intense your Divine connection will be. As you strengthen your relationship with the Creator and focus on cultivating His presence in your everyday life amazing things will happen: You won’t be so consumed with chasing after love; you’ll start to feel more loved and less needy; and you’ll experience more inner joy and contentment.

Photo credit: Micheledias via Flickr.

Welcome to the premiere edition of our new column: Divas on a Mission.  Each month, we will be featuring young women under 40 who are making outstanding contributions to their community.  This month’s featured diva is creative pioneer, Evelyn Bandoh.    

Evelyn Bandoh has been engaged in personal financial coaching and advising since 2005 and is the founder of EAB Creative Planning Services, LLC, a business and financial coaching firm for creative entrepreneurs. Evelyn frequently addresses civic, youth and business groups on how to plan for personal and business financial success.  Her mission is to help creative businesses and entrepreneurs maintain sustainable enterprises by providing training, advising and coaching services that are relevant to the needs of the creative community. 

She facilitates personal finance and small business workshops throughout the Washington, DC metropolitan area and publishes a blog called Fiscally Fit Fashionista, where she provides practical business and financial advice to her readers.  Evelyn also teaches financial, business and investment education to youth in the DC Metropolitan Area and teaches at the Art Institute of Washington in the Fashion and Retail Management Program.

MGS: Let’s start with your journey into entrepreneurship. What was the inspiration behind launching EAB Creative Planning Services? How did you find the courage to pursue your dreams and what was the defining moment when you realized it was finally time to make the leap?

Evelyn: In short, the inspiration behind EAB was to help creative entrepreneurs generate wealth through their creativity. My business initially started out as a regular small business training company, but I soon realized that this did not fulfill me. One day while having a heart-to-heart with myself I asked: “What’s missing?” The immediate answer was “creativity.” From there, it took about four to five months of soul searching to place that statement into context and put things in perspective.

I have never bought into the concept of the “starving artist,” but realizing this is a reality for many creatives I wanted to take a further look at why they often struggled to make ends meet or even gain recognition for their work. After many years of research, traveling, working with various people, and just being observant, I discovered that it was an inability to focus on the business side, or the left-brained side of their art/creativity. 

In terms of the leap, it got to the point where I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. My job was literally sucking the life out of me. I had no energy and I became fed-up. It was my fear of not being able to support myself that kept me chained to the desk. However, after a series of events, I realized there is never a “right time.” There is only “my time” and “Spirit’s time.” Once we were aligned, I knew I could take that leap of faith and feel at peace with my decision.

MGS: Describe some of the challenges you faced in starting your business and making the transition from employee to business owner. How did you overcome these obstacles? Was it difficult to walk away from a career you had invested so much time into building?

Evelyn: Honestly, one of the biggest challenges was myself… vacillating between faith and fear. This type of energetic movement is very disruptive to the flow of success. I also had to learn how to set boundaries and define my ideal revenue model. Since pursuing entrepreneurship, I have learned so much about myself in terms of how I like to work and the type of work I like to do.

Money and cash flow were other obstacles. When you don’t have a steady paycheck to rely on, it’s important to forecast your cash flow and remain mindful of your spending by creating a budget. It’s hard to be productive when you’re worried about how you’re going to pay your bills.

In terms of the career, it wasn’t difficult to leave because I realized it wasn’t something I wanted in the first place. Granted, I did miss the paycheck, and I did miss the stability and the infrastructure provided. When I struck out on my own, so to speak, I had to create a work schedule that was productive and conducive to my needs. It took awhile for me to find my rhythm and flow in my work cycle. My new motto is “never work harder for someone else’s dream than you would for your own.” Repeating this mantra keeps things in perspective and allows me to make better strategic decisions.

MGS: For individuals looking to make a sustainable income from their creative ventures, please tell our readers a little about the services you offer and how clients can benefit from your services?

Evelyn: To sum it up, I offer services that provide education and awareness; and empower creative entrepreneurs and creative organizations to make great strategic decisions including: holistic business advising, personal finance coaching, program development services for creative organizations and nonprofits, and entrepreneurial training workshops.

Some of my more popular workshops are: Creative Entrepreneurs Boot camp, Financial Planning for Creative Entrepreneurs, Your Money Personality and Exploring Entrepreneurship. In addition to the live trainings, I’m also working on a series of webinars and self learning tools that clients will be able to download directly from the EAB Web site. I will start rolling those out during the first half of 2010.

MGS: You recently added non-profit advisory services for creative/arts-based organizations to your ever-expanding repertoire of services. How have you continued to build your business during the current economic downturn?

Evelyn: I’ve actually taken a step back to re-evaluate what’s working and what’s not. Time is money and if you can provide value in a shorter amount of time, you have truly hit the nail on the head as a service provider. I’m also spending more time developing self-guided tools that can be downloaded, so clients can use them at their discretion and on their own time.

MGS: In hosting seminars and workshops, you have partnered with numerous nonprofit organizations to provide financial literacy and business training to local community residents. Why do you think it’s important to be active in your community and reach out to other organizations with a similar mission?

Evelyn: I think it’s important because you reach a greater audience, and often times you help that organization with its capacity building by providing a service needed in the community. Fostering mutually beneficial partnerships provides both parties with greater exposure and an ability to get the message out to a larger audience.  By collaborating with community-based organizations, I feel as if I have filled a need and because of who I am and what I look like, I serve as an inspiration to others in the community that they can pursue their passions and live their dreams as well.

MGS: Speaking from someone who has successfully launched her own company, what advice would you give to women looking to transform their part-time hobby into a viable business?

Evelyn: 

• Make sure you’re truly passionate about what you want to do.
• Understand that it’s about the journey and not the destination.
• Strengthen your personal finances as much as possible.  Pay down debt, fix your credit, and save money to live on. If you start from a strengthened financial position, when (not if) you have those financial challenges, you will be in a better position to deal with them.
• Understand your lifestyle pre-job and post-job. Have you built your current lifestyle around your job? If so, how much do you need to earn to maintain your lifestyle?
• Reduce your living expenses as much as possible. This will save you grief in the long run. Trust me!
• Understand and know where your sources of revenue are coming from for the next year. Forecast this out even if this is coming from savings and not a client.  It’s better to know so that you can make more informed decisions.
• Develop your support network and start talking to those you trust about your idea.
• Thoroughly research and understand your market. What is your niche? Who is your ideal client? What is your message? How do you create value?
• Start networking.  It’s not my favorite thing to do in the world, but it’s a very necessary part of the process.  Do it with purpose, and it will be a more beneficial experience.
• Take the time to write some type of business plan,whether it be a traditional one or an EAB Cosmic Business Plan.  Also, make sure  it’s feasible and can support itself in the long run.
• Lastly, have fun!

Since I’m such a strong proponent of doing things differently, I’ve decided to break out of the creative funk I’ve been in and finally walk my talk.  For starters, I’ve signed up for NaNoWriMo: National Novel Writing Month.  This is the first year I’ll be participating and while the focus is on quantity over quality, I’m excited to see what happens when I’m forced to face my creative demons on a daily basis.  Secondly, I’ve devised a new morning routine comprised of 30 minutes of yoga, 20 minutes of meditation and 10 minutes of inspirational reading coupled with a cup of steamy, hot cocoa.  As the weeks progress, I’ll work on searching for new ways to stimulate my “C” spot.  

I’m sure most of you can relate to being in a creative or spiritual funk at one time or another.  This week, I invite you to explore how doing things differently can dramatically affect your overall zest for life.  Think of three small ways you can alter your daily routine and start taking steps towards incorporating them into your life. Below are some suggestions to get you started. 

Write a screenplay.  Take a new route to work. Sign up for a belly dancing class. Try on a new shade of lipstick or better yet, get a makeover at the cosmetic counter of your favorite department store.  Sample new cuisine and invite your best girlfriend out for an impromptu lunch.

You lose your job. You get passed over for a promotion. Or even worse, you become the victim of an impromptu diagnosis.  During times like these, it’s only natural you start to question your life’s path.  However, it is in these challenging periods that God calls us to wake up to who we truly are, but under one condition: We allow the experience to strengthen us, not harden us.

Who’s afraid of the big, bad emotions?
“This was not the plan,” I thought.  At age 25, I found myself in a whirlwind of heartache and in dire need of some serious soul searching.  After immense suffering, my grandfather lost his battle with cancer.  In less than one year, I witnessed a once active man disintegrate into skin and bones.  To make matters worse, I was entangled in a ménage à trois I couldn’t seem to escape: me, a soul-crushing job, and a toxic beau.

As heartbreaking as the loss of my grandfather was, it forced me to venture outside my cage. The imprisonment of mental chatter can be a tricky warden because you never know whether it’s telling the truth or not.  Yet, it appears to always have your best interest at heart. 

I was so focused on achieving that I blocked out the sound of my inner voice. When the ‘ish hit the fan, I took a sabbatical from my neurotic goal setting and focused on the task at hand –  awareness.  For the first time ever, I resisted the urge to self-medicate with things like work, alcohol and sex, exposing my wounds instead of trying to cover them up. 

Mindfulness 101
In Buddhism, there’s this great quote that says: “You only lose what you cling to.” God uses our most devastating experiences to shape us into the leaders we are to become. We may wonder why things didn’t turn out according to plan when the culprit was not our misfortune, but our attachment to the itinerary of our journey.

The practice of mindfulness prompts us to not only become aware of when we become trapped by negative emotions, but to also change how we interpret our difficult experiences.  It requires us to sit with our fear, our hurt and our pain completely unarmed.  Instead of medicating ourselves with self-prescribed busyness, remaining present allows us to revel in our feelings of discomfort and push past them.  The funny thing about emotions is that once you face them head on, they will quickly run the other way.

The validity of our anguish is determined by our perceptions, not our circumstances.  Think about it: What would life be like if you didn’t believe the stories in your head? Let’s suppose you disregarded all the chit chat that told you things will never get better or you’ll never survive this.  Sure, in theory, being laid off is a bad thing. However, it could also be the Universe’s way of telling you it’s time to write that novel you’ve been dreaming about. The point is this: Once you learn to welcome life as it comes — without trying to dictate the outcome — you’re able to break the trance of fear and depression.

Both speakers presented a lively discussion on how to get grants and donations for your creative project. While the event was mainly geared towards filmmakers, any artist, writer, musician or photographer can benefit from these juicy tidbits of advice.

Here are the highlights:

Outreach: Emily Verellen suggests you formulate a plan for how you will engage and connect with audiences before you start seeking donations for your creative venture.  Important factors to consider are whom your project will serve, the message you’re trying to send, and concrete ways to get people involved in your movement.  For example, distributing pens, t-shirts and buttons with your logo, hosting events, or sponsoring a contest.

Research: Both presenters stressed the importance of doing your research before approaching donors. Past projects funded and the amount of money donated are just a few things to consider when recruiting funders.  Investigate how your project ties in with the mission or philosophy of the individual, small business, corporation or non-profit organization you’re seeking financing from.   Also, pay close attention to application guidelines; make sure your project meets the requirements of the grants in which you’re applying for.

Partnerships:  There’s no greater way to create awareness for your creative venture than to team up with complementary organizations.  You can reach out to student groups, churches,  or non-profit organizations to co-host events.  Or better yet, you can offer your services at a discounted rate in exchange for exposure and access to their mailing list. 

How can you prevent yourself from repeating the same unconscious relationship patterns? Here are four tips to escape dating déjà vu, and start attracting healthier and happier relationships.

Get rid of the emotional skeletons in your closet
The only surefire way to prevent Mr. Wrong from taking up residence in your life is to clean house. Start working on unresolved issues either through journaling, or by writing a letter to someone who has hurt you in the past. Write out all those gut wrenching experiences and how they made you feel. Then destroy the pieces of paper, which will signal to the universe that pain no longer has a place in your life. Finally, forgive. You cannot move forward if you are still holding grudges. Even though this person may have wronged you, it’s better to be healed than to be right.

Become your own best friend
Since we attract who we are, invite loving relationships into your life by living a life full of love – starting from within. Oftentimes we expect others to love us, when we aren’t even kind to ourselves. We complain about our chunky thighs or our not so flat stomachs when we should be celebrating our curvaceous frames. Or we compare ourselves to others, wishing we had their lives not recognizing the beauty in our own backyards. Begin practicing self-love by identifying your best parts and projecting them to the world. Make a list of at least ten positive things about yourself, and read them aloud on a daily basis. Focusing on your finest qualities will attract those same qualities in others.

Create a vision of your ideal romantic relationship.
Sometimes we settle for less than we deserve because we haven’t a clue as to what we’re looking for in a partner. We may find ourselves going with the flow to see what happens. Unfortunately, by the time we figure out our mate is far from ‘prince charming’, we’ve already become comfortable with their misbehavior. So we start to rationalize their negative underlying traits like emotionally unavailability and lack of ambition in hopes that one day it might magically disappear.

Before entering your next relationship, develop a vision of what your ideal partner and relationship looks like. How does it feel? What qualities does your mate possess? What types of activities do you enjoy together? Once you create a picture of what a happy and healthy relationship looks like, you can then start attracting it.

Become Ms. Right
If you expect to find a man that is open, honest and drama free, be committed to being that kind of person yourself. Make a conscious effort to treat others with respect and toss the game-playing aside. Participating in childish mind games in an attempt to gain control of a situation will only attract a playmate. You’ll soon find yourself licking your wounds when Mr. Wrong engages in a little foul play to even the score. The bottom line is this: the closer you move towards becoming Ms. Right the sooner you will attract Mr. Right because people of like minds are automatically drawn to one another.

Maybe you’d like to start your own business, but you haven’t scaled back on your lifestyle to invest more money into your creative endeavors. Or perhaps you’re allowing fear to prevent you from taking more risks. Regardless of what’s holding you back the question remains: Are you willing to do what it takes to have a more successful and fulfilling career?

Defining Success on Your Own Terms
As professional women, we’ve all experienced times when we want to throw up our hands in frustration. We become stuck and are uncertain as to how to proceed because we have either lost our passion for work or never had it to begin with. Oftentimes, we lose sight of the “why” and focus on the wrong things in attempt to fit in with the mainstream view of success. We then find ourselves in a career that fails to satisfy us emotionally or creatively.

In order to escape your career rut, it’s important to determine what success means to you. For some, it might mean building a media empire with thousands of employees, while for others it might simply be working for a small non-profit organization that serves the local community. Knowing what you want out of life and remaining focused on why you’re in your chosen industry will motivate you to take consistent action, regardless of how scary it might feel.

Breaking through the Psychological Glass Ceiling
We often settle for less than we deserve because of our self-limiting beliefs. For instance, we get a new idea and immediately talk ourselves out of it by thinking of all the ways it can’t work. “I don’t have enough time” and “I don’t have the money” are among the top excuses people have for not aiming higher and going after their dreams. Sound familiar? Rather than put ourselves out there and stretch beyond our comfort zone, we sit by the sidelines and then wonder why we’re not achieving our desired level of success.

We say we’re willing to “do anything” to accomplish our dreams, but let’s be honest: Are you really taking all the necessary steps to create your dream career?

If not, make a list of all the things that are standing in your way. Then write down all the possible solutions you can think of for overcoming them and take one action within the next hour – whether it’s making a phone call to a mentor for advice, scheduling an appointment to meet with a career coach, or introducing yourself to a new business in the area.

The Need for Action
How many times have you invested in books, business courses and seminars only to discover you’re no further in your career than when you began? You can have all the knowledge in the world, but if you’re not implementing the ideas, they’re useless. What separates the success stories from the stories of disappointment is our willingness to take action. When we allow fear and a negative mindset to dictate our performance at work, we set ourselves up for failure. Despite our best intentions, we slip back into “bad behavior” and continue to do the same things we’ve always done.

So what’s really holding you back from the career of your dreams? Is it money? Time? The economy? Whatever you “think” it is, it’s time to confront your demons. Create a list of all the things you’ve been afraid to do in business and in life. What immediate thoughts surface as you review your list? Acknowledge what they have to say, and then write out all those self-sabotaging beliefs that tell you how you’ll never make but a certain amount of income or achieve a certain amount of success. When you really think about it, is it true? There are others who have overcome great odds to achieve professional bliss. Why not you?

Photo: Zappos.com

An uninvited houseguest
Self-loathing has popped into my life on more than one occasion. Initially, it started out with short visits: a pity party over a mishap at work that day or a week of overindulging in fast food and sweets. Then it progressed to more long-term stays. I’d mismanage my money and find myself in a financial rut for weeks on end; fail to exercise and nourish my body with enough fresh food and water; and I’d allow men of questionable character into my bed when I knew they didn’t have my best interest at heart. To say the least, self-loathing had definitely made itself at home.

Emotional housecleaning
It has taken me several years to clean up my self-love act. For starters, I had to get clear about what it means to really love yourself. Self-love is more than getting a mani-pedi every week or treating yourself to the latest designer handbag. While many of us say we love ourselves, if we paid closer attention to our thoughts and actions and how we treated our bodies, we’d soon realize we’re not as loving as we claim. In fact, if we did really “love ourselves,” we wouldn’t continuously experience self-doubt, sacrifice “me time” for “we time,” settle for unsatisfying jobs and relationships, criticize our body parts, and overindulge in food we know is not good for us.

The Four-fold path
I admit that the journey to self-love is no cakewalk. It takes lots of intense self-evaluation, forgiveness, personal reflection, and radical acceptance. Along my own journey to loving me, I have experienced several emotional breakthroughs. When I began getting real with myself about the reasons behind my poor choices and forgave myself for my misbehavior, my life changed. My thoughts, actions and decisions all started to shift.

So, as you begin to steadily make your way to this place called self-love, be patient and don’t beat yourself up about what might seem like a lack of progress. There are going to be a lot of twists and turns: breakdowns and breakthroughs. However, the key to staying on track is believing you’re well worth the wait.

As a young girl in Zimbabwe, Tererai Trent only had one dream: to get an education. However, because she was a girl she was not afforded that opportunity. She was forced to marry at age 11, and by age 18 she had three children. Then one day she met Jo Luck from Heifer International who asked her about her greatest dream. “My name is Tererai, and I want to go to America to have an education, and I want to have a BS degree. I want to have a master’s, and I want to have a PhD,” she replied. The then 20-year-old wrote out her dreams on a scrap of paper that she later placed in a piece of tin and buried under a rock. In December 2009, Tererai will realize her grandest dream — earning her doctoral degree.

So, what is your greatest dream? Travel around the world? Become a bestselling authoress? Launch a business? No matter how impossible your desires may seem, this story proves all things are possible with God. All you have to do is write them on the tablet of your heart and believe.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4).

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