Wicked Jokes

সেরা গোপাল ভাঁড়: আন্ডা সন্ধানী

2010-02-01T23:23:00.000-05:00

রাজা কৃষ্ণচন্দ্র গেছেন মাছ শিকারে। রাজা বলে কথা, একা তো যাননি, সাথে সভাসদ যাঁরা ছিলেন সবাইকে সঙ্গে নিয়ে গেছেন। মাছ ধরতে ধরতে রাজা বললেন, "পুকুরে কতো হাঁস দেখেছো গোপাল? নিশ্চই পুকুরে খুঁজলে তাদের ডিম পাওয়া যাবে।"

"তা তো রাজামশাই পাওয়া যেতেই পারে।"

"তাহলে একটা প্রতিযোগীতা হয়ে যাক কি বলো? দেখা যাক কে কে এক ডুবে হাঁসের ডিম তুলে আনতে পারে।"

যেই কথা সেই কাজ। সব সভাসদ প্রতিযোগীতার জন্য তৈরী। গোপাল যা জানতো না তা হলো রাজা সবাইকে আগেই একটি করে হাঁসের ডিম দিয়ে দিয়েছেন গোপালকে জব্দ করার জন্য। ফলে যা হবার তাই হলো। সবাই এক ডুবে ঠিকই ডিম তুলে নিয়ে এলো। গোপাল তো আর কিছুতেই ডিম খুঁজে পায় না। সে ডুব থেকে উঠে এসে হাঁসের মতো "প্যাঁক প্যাঁক" শব্দ করে পুকুরময় ঘুরে বেড়াতে লাগলো।

রাজা হো হো করে হেসে বললেন, "এ কী করছো গোপাল? সবাই তো ঠিকই পারলো। তুমি একাই পারলে না তো?"

"আজ্ঞে রাজা, আমি তো ডুব দিয়ে উঠেই প্যাঁক প্যাঁক শব্দে আমার জানান দিলাম। আসলে বাকি সবার মতো আমি তো আর হংসী নই। আমি হলাম যাকে বলে গিয়ে হংস!"

On the Way to Become God

2009-07-03T02:55:00.003-04:00

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.
"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"
"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

Drowning Lawyer

2009-06-12T11:16:00.002-04:00

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Lawyer's Dog

2009-06-12T11:13:00.000-04:00

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

সেরা গোপাল ভাঁড় প্রোজেক্ট

2009-06-02T02:41:00.005-04:00

আজ গোপাল ভাঁড়ের নামে গুগলে খোঁজ করে দেখলাম এখানে প্রকাশ করা গোপালের কৌতুকগুলো দাড়ি-কমা সহ অন্য ব্লগে ফোরামে আর সাইটে তুলে দেয়া হয়েছে। এতে আমার আপত্তির কোনো কারণ নেই। লেখাগুলো মৌলিক কিছু নয়। আমি ব্লগেও লিখে রেখেছি যে প্রকাশিত কৌতুকগুলো যে কেউ ব্যবহার করতে পারবেন কেবল সূত্র হিসেবে আমার ব্লগের একটা লিংক দিয়ে দিতে হবে। নানান জায়গা থেকে খুঁজে-পেতে সেরা গোপাল ভাঁড় প্রোজেক্টের জন্য নিজের মতো করে কৌতুকগুলো লিখেছি। সেই কষ্টের প্রতি সম্মান দেখিয়ে একটা লিংক তো রাখাই যেতো!

Widow's Future

2009-04-23T09:30:00.001-04:00

A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, "Will I be acquitted?"

Late Night Call

2009-04-23T09:24:00.008-04:00

An attorney telephoned the governor house after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Governor sir," said the attorney, "Judge Smith just died and I want to take his place."

The governor replied, "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."

Poor Adam

2009-04-21T23:21:00.000-04:00

Eve: Adam, do you love me?
Adam: Who else?

Potential vs. Reality

2009-03-02T14:20:00.000-05:00

A kid asks his father for help on a writing assignment. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up thoughtfully and says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but asks his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on $2 million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two sluts."

Where is Jesus?

2009-02-27T00:42:00.001-05:00

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells, 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

Clinton, Bush and Washington... Sinking Ship

2009-02-27T00:41:00.004-05:00

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts, "Save the women!"

George W. Bush hysterically hollers, "Screw the women!"

Bill Clinton's asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"

Mozart Beyond the Grave

2009-01-13T01:51:00.000-05:00

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

Do Not Disturb

2009-01-13T01:50:00.000-05:00

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

How to Impress a Woman/Man?

2009-01-05T21:54:00.000-05:00

How to Impress a Woman:

Compliment her,
Kiss her,
Caress her,
Love her,
Comfort her,
Protect her,
Hold her,
Spend money on her,
Wine & dine her,
Listen to her,
Stand by her,
Support her,
Go to the ends of the earth for her.

How to Impress a Man:

Show up naked,
bring beer.

Pros and Cons

2009-01-05T21:52:00.000-05:00

If "CON" is the opposite of "PRO", what is the opposite of PROGRESS?

Stick of Dynamite

2008-12-01T01:13:00.000-05:00

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

The Dyslexic Devil Worshiper

2008-12-01T01:09:00.000-05:00

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

Toilet Paper, For Who?

2008-11-25T05:27:00.000-05:00

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.

"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

Death Row in Women's Prison

2008-11-25T05:25:00.000-05:00

Three women are about to be executed. One''s a brunette, one''s a redhead, and one''s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

The Most Gruesome Death

2008-11-25T05:23:00.000-05:00

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."

The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought "Please God spare my life" and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."

It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator..."

Some Sport Fan

2008-11-25T05:19:00.000-05:00

There was a Packers fan with a really lame seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

Blonde Driver

2008-11-20T01:24:00.000-05:00

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"

The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"

The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"

Sensitive Beer

2008-11-20T01:23:00.000-05:00

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

The President's Puzzle

2008-11-20T01:22:00.000-05:00

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

Texas Trooper

2008-11-20T01:19:00.001-05:00

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, "Why did you do that??"

The trooper responds, "You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!"

"I apologize sir, I'm not from around here."

The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.

"What was that for?" asked the passenger.

"I know your kind," says the trooper, "About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a bitch would have tried that crap with me!'"