Since the beginning, this journey to lose weight has been about finding my old self.  Rediscovering that person that loved life and approached it full of passion, energy and zest. I missed the days when I bubbled.  When I was able to shine, in sweats and dingy old t-shirts.  The days where life seemed to be full of endless possibility and it was mine for the taking. 

I have since eaten that person.

And I now know that I am capable finding her. Being her.

When I started Medifast I just wanted to  feel good again.  And, through this journey, I have slowly reintroduced myself to running, I have discovered a passion for yoga and meditation that I never knew existed, I have watched my new “mom-bod” take shape, and I have embraced the mommy-scars that are evidence that I love unconditionally. 

I am beginning to feel good on the inside again.

And I know the outside will soon follow.

In 50 pounds, I can’t tell you exactly how I will feel, but I imagine it will be amazing.  I imagine it quite frequently, to be honest.  And, Medifast does a great job of helping me visualize my dreams.  They love showing me success stories to keep me motivated. Stories like the one of Jessica Westmoreland, who lost 85 lbs with Medifast and has kept it off for 3 years. Since her weight loss, she has become an athlete, opened her own law firm, and gotten engaged! She’s a true example of how you can “Become Yourself” again with Medifast.

Jessica is also the star of Medifast’s new commercial - how cool is that??  Just imagine, losing 85 pounds, changing your life and then becoming an actress!

Here’s Jessica’s new commercial if you want to check it out for yourself – Medifast Success Story

Interested in Becoming Yourself again?

_______________________

Medifast recently introduced a new customer savings program! If you use my new coupon code, MOMNOM56, and sign up for Medifast Advantage when you order $250+, you’ll receive 56 free Medifast Meals and free shipping! Medifast Advantage also has a lot of perks, including free customizable meals and a free BlenderBottle® with minimum purchase.

Here are the details: For your first order of $250+, use my code, and enroll in Medifast Advantage to receive 28 free meals. Do the same on your next order and you’ll receive ANOTHER 28 free meals! This offer is only valid if you enroll in Medifast Advantage, and it’s limited to one per customer.
(It’s not valid with prior purchases, any other promotions or discounts, or for Medifast Ready-to-Drink Shakes.)

Check out Medifast’s website for complete details on program and discounts.

______________________

*FTC Disclosure: I receive free product in order to evaluate and comment on my experiences on the Medifast program. Medifast products and the Medifast program are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease or illness. Any medical improvements noted while on the program are related to weight loss in general, and not to Medifast products or programs.  And, since this is my blog and I DO WHAT I WANT, all the opinions expressed here, positive and negative, are mine. And cannot be bought.

Sunday, you turn nine. You’re almost two full hands, can you believe it? It seems like just yesterday you changed my life forever.  You came into the world, just as you have lived in it these last nine year, wild and full of passion.  Determined to do things your way.  Ready to be doted upon by the large crowd anxiously awaiting you.  From the moment I laid eyes on you, the world was yours to have, and it was our very first secret.  

And I?  I was just the 19 year old girl playing fiddle in your background.  And I loved it.  Even then, I didn’t understand how deeply and profoundly you would change me.  Laying in the recovery room, I knew at first sight that I would forever be yours and you would be mine.   The bond between us was different than I imagined it would be…you were my first true love and my new best friend. 

Son, those words have never been more true than they are today.  That bond has gone un-touched.  Words like proud and honored and humbled do not do justice to the way I feel about being your mom.  In fact, there are no words on this earth that embody what you mean to me.   Someday, when you’re a parent, you’ll know what I mean.

You are so very smart, son.  I can’t tell you how many teachers tell me how worldly you already are.  Wise beyond your years.  You understand the world and how and why it works the way it does.  It seems you came into the world with that knowledge, you’ve always grasped things just outside others reach.  You are passionate, child.  You do everything with such joy and desire and intensity that it’s easy to see why you have so many friends. Your excitement is contagious.  You are fierce.  Especially when it comes to love.  You know you are loved and you return that same love with the most wild and fierce emotions available to a nine year old boy.  And above all, you care. Just last year, your teacher told me that you were the most compassionate and caring kid in her class.  She told me how concerned you always are for other people and their feelings. I cried right then and there, at the parent-teacher conference.  She could not have said anything to make me more proud to be your momma. Or your friend.

You are going to do wonderful things with your passionate, fierce, and caring life. I don’t worry about that.   I know you will make magic happen wherever this one life takes you.  My only worry is that you don’t leave your momma too far behind and that you never forget our path. 

I love you son.  I love you more. I love you most. I love you more than most.  Past the Earth. Through the sky. To the heavens.

You are my love.

To be honest, it mostly needs people with expendable income…but, it’s not going to get that until we sell it.  So, in the meantime, I feel like it needs some work in the HOME department.

Ya feel me?

I mean, I know it’s a home – home. Like, it has walls and all that jazz. We sleep there, so there’s that.  But, it just doesn’t necessarily feel like ah-we’re home. (If that even remotely makes sense to anyone living on this planet.) I mean…it doesn’t feel like it represents the people that dwell within it.  Even if home is where the heart is and all that good stuff, your home still has to feel homey.

Homey. (I just had to say it again.)

To be honest, I think my home still feels like two kids who graduated college, had zero cash and threw together some handmedowns their parents had in the basement to make it look full.  At least some of the rooms look like that.  The other ones look like two kids who bought a home, got a credit card, went bat-shit-crazy in Pottery Barn and will pay for it (PLUS INTEREST) for the rest of their freaking life.

So, the house, that needs to be a home, doesn’t even match. (It’s more lovely than it sounds, I promise.)  

It has some things that require cash that we just don’t have the cash (minor detail) to really do right now.  Like…redo all three bathrooms,  new hardwood in entryway and half bath, new carpet upstairs, new countertops in kitchen, a chair and ottoman that need to be re-upholstered, a new kitchen table (WHICH WE MAY BE GETTING FROM MY PARENTS! It hasn’t been sitting in their basement. Promise.)

But, those things are way too big picture for me.  We need big mullah. I have little mullah.  So, they take a back seat. 

What I’m working on?  Projects.  I’ve decided to take all homey (and again) matters into my own  hands.  Therefore, the husband (see how quickly that “my own hands” thing changed? I’ve got that down.) will be purchasing chalk board paint to do something with the back of my island the requires framing and oodles of two year old scribble.  I will be purchasing frames for a art/photo wall in the entry hall. I already purchased a sign for the kitchen that defines my homey-ness.  And it is about to get CRAZY.

Like, I’ll be re-pinning the hell out of some shit for the entirety of 2012.  I have big plans for the entire house (well, except the boys room, his room is just plain adorable) in 2012.  No hallway will go untouched.  Things may get painted if I can convince someone to do it for me. (I don’t paint.)

I’m one tiny craft away from Martha Stewart, let me tell  ya.

I’m going to blog this out.  Don’t you worry.  I’ve got this.

The meditations that yoga led me to were feeding my desire to sit with my Lord and really listen to how He was speaking to me.  In those meditations I was able to be present and truly open my heart to all the things the Lord and I were working on.  I could free of my mind of the struggles that life include and let my inner eye focus on the face of my Lord.  I was present with Him. We were together.  And, I was ready to face anything.

Even if it was just for 20 or 30 minutes a day, it felt good and Holy and right.  And it directed my life in a way that felt like we (He and I) were doing things together, in unisom.  I was finally allowing Him to direct my life.

But, life got busy and schedules got challenging – and yoga got dropped.  And then my daily meditations at home stopped.  And then I began to notice that I was leaving church feeling less than full.  This weekend, when I chose to skip mass for the first time in quite some time, I caught myself saying, it’s not like I even get anything out of church, all I do is chase a toddler, feed a toddler and entertain a toddler.  Even if the statement is true, it’s a hard pill to swallow.

Is it possible that my toddler is cramping my spiritual growth?

We sit in the back of church, in the “cry room” as it’s often referred, behind a glass screen, where toddlers can’t disrupt the other families during mass.  We sit and try our best to focus as one feisty toddler asks to go for walks and get drinks.  We pretend to be listening when she’s asking for food and shows us her dolls.  We bow our heads to pray as she whispers songs in our ears. 

So, are we getting anything out of mass?

Now, I know we could take her to the church nursery.  But in order to that, you have to volunteer to work in the nursery twice a month.  And let’s be clear on one thing – time is a luxury in my life.  And, quite frankly, I don’t want to be spending my time with anyone else’s kid.  I don’t see my own enough as it is.  And, I’m not a big fan of nursery’s anyway.  Call me paranoid, but they make me nervous.  And they guaranteed my son was soon to be sick – and like time, sickness is also a luxury we can’t afford. There is too much to be done.

So, then we’re left deciding if we should split up for mass? Does the husband goes alone or with the boy and I stay home and then I go when they get back and they stay home with the toddler?

But, then I’m left wondering  if it’s right to split us up for mass, which feels like it should be celebrated as a family?  And, is it right to not take the toddler to church? It feels like she should be there. 

We still don’t know what to do. 

But, you can bet that I’ll be bringing it to the table tonight with the Lord when I begin my nightly meditations again. 

Do you take your toddler to church with you?  Do you feel inspired by the time you spend with your faith?

Honestly, it feels a little bittersweet. 

While I am incredibly excited to be officially done with birth control (Especially after our scare in December, when I found a lump in my breast.) and thrilled to not have the should we have another one and when thoughts lingering in my head, I can’t help and wonder if I’m going to regret it. 

Am I  going to turn 32 or 35 and long for another baby in my arms?  I’ll be 29 and he will be 31 in a few weeks, is that too early to make this decision? Even if you already have a (almost) 9 year old and a 2.5 year old?  If our financial situation changed, dramatically, would we both long to hear the pitter-patter of baby feet on our hardwood again?

The answer is honestly, maybe.  And, in a situation like this, I think that’s just reality and perhaps the best you can hope for. 

But, are these questions normal?  Does everyone that makes this very permanent (relatively speaking) decision to not have anymore kids wonder the same thing? 

The other night I curled up in bed next to my  husband and I asked him something that has also been eating at me since we made this decision… I asked, if this relationship were to fail, for some reason (and we both acknowledged that things happen) will you hate me forever that you made this decision and only have one biological child?

He looked up at me with a serious face and told me that he has two children.  TWO.  Two beautiful, healthy, happy children.  Two children who, regardless of our physical state of marriage, are the most important part of his life.   And, no, he will have no regrets.

I crazy love that man. 

As the procedure date (quickly) approaches, we both know we’re doing the right thing for our family.   We know that we’re financially capable of providing the quality of life we want for our two children.  We acknowledge that we have two healthy kids, who have more than blessed our lives.  We also both know that we may always long for another baby, but that doesn’t mean it’s the responsible or right thing for us.

And, neither of us are opposed to adoption, if God were to call us to it down the road. 

Those are the blessings we are counting. 

That being said, if we’re allowed to be totally honest? 

I’m feeling a tad selfish because I’m sad I won’t ever be pregnant again.  That I won’t ever experience those first kicks, again. I’ve never felt more in touch with humanity, mother nature and my body than when I was pregnant.  I’ll miss that.  I’m sad I won’t get to experience the bonding of breastfeeding, again or the joy of laying eyes on a fresh baked baby. 

I keep reminding myself that this is what is best for my family, it’s not about me.  

must.keep.reminding.

Frankly, I’ll be glad when it’s over and I can’t wonder anymore. 

And, did I mention it’s happening on my birthday?

Happy Birthday, to me.

Medifast blew my mind with how well it worked the first time & how easy it was for me to stick to their 5n1 plan.  I consider myself a very busy person, working full time, running around my son who is currently playing three sports and racing my daughter to gymnastics and dance lessons twice a week…and Medifast has always been able to fit into my lifestyle. 

I also wasn’t sure if I could mentally get in the groove again. Like I said, it seemed so daunting.  And, re-starting seemed like admitting failure, publicly, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to do that.  But, I had to.  I had to come back here and show myself and everyone else that I can do it.   I can hit my goal weight and maintain, through Medifast. 

And I will.

It has taken me a little while to find my groove – perhaps even in just the last few days.  But, I’m happy to report that I feel it again.  That spark is there.  And, the scale is surely helping fuel my fire, again.  

I lost another 2.4 pounds this week.  Which, doesn’t sound like much but I cheated on Monday (My dad was taken to the hospital with chest pains and I sat there for hours on end and didn’t pay attention to my mindless eating.) and then again on Saturday, when we took  my dad out to dinner for his birthday.  We felt like we really needed to celebrate after the week he had, and  I tried to stay on plan, but I did overeat, which still isn’t healthy. 

I’m a work in progress. 

I keep reminding myself, “Do not reward yourself with food, you’re not a dog.”  But, it’s a hard habit to break after nearly 30 years of all celebrations including delicious food.

That being said,  2.4 pounds is a victory!  And, I have high hopes for this week…because, like I said, I really feel like I’ve found my groove, again.  

Weight Lost: 5.4

Weight Left to Lose:   46.2

_______________________

Medifast recently introduced a new customer savings program! If you use my new coupon code, MOMNOM56, and sign up for Medifast Advantage when you order $250+, you’ll receive 56 free Medifast Meals and free shipping! Medifast Advantage also has a lot of perks, including free customizable meals and a free BlenderBottle® with minimum purchase.

Here are the details: For your first order of $250+, use my code, and enroll in Medifast Advantage to receive 28 free meals. Do the same on your next order and you’ll receive ANOTHER 28 free meals! This offer is only valid if you enroll in Medifast Advantage, and it’s limited to one per customer.
(It’s not valid with prior purchases, any other promotions or discounts, or for Medifast Ready-to-Drink Shakes.)

Check out Medifast’s website for complete details on program and discounts.

______________________

*FTC Disclosure: I receive free product in order to evaluate and comment on my experiences on the Medifast program. Medifast products and the Medifast program are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease or illness. Any medical improvements noted while on the program are related to weight loss in general, and not to Medifast products or programs.  And, since this is my blog and I DO WHAT I WANT, all the opinions expressed here, positive and negative, are mine. And cannot be bought.