Momioso

Celebrating my baby's first birthday

noreply@blogger.com (Momioso) — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 13:00:00 +0000

Just a little post to put up a video I created in celebration of my daughter Juliette's first birthday. She was born one year ago today...in the wee hours of the morning. What a beautiful, beautiful day. I am full of love and gratitude for this sweet and wonderful little girl. Motherhood is the greatest gift on earth, don't you think?

PS - there's a little nipplage in there - I am a proud breastfeeding mama, you know :) So don't let it shock ya!

Candles for an Intentional Birth

noreply@blogger.com (Momioso) — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 07:10:00 +0000

So this post is my attempt to contribute something that is "Pinterest"-able :) Have you been on that site? There are so many beautiful things and visual ideas there. As a person who is more about expressing ideas with words versus as things, I have to say I feel a bit like a Pinterest-lurker. I can, however, make one contribution - one beautiful visual kinda-crafty idea:

Birth intention candles.

Here they are:

I made these to hand out to my dearest friends at my baby shower last year. They're kind of a takeaway from a Blessingway - where mamas join together to celebrate and bless the birth journey of a new (or repeat) mama. I inscribed each candle with a word that described the birth that I intended for myself and my baby. The one pictured in the photo says "Painless." Others said "Easy" "Peace" "Love" and "God."

I asked each friend to light their candle while I was in labor, and while it was lit, to hold in their heart and soul the intent I had for my birth: beautiful, easy, painless, fast, and complication-free.

I truly believe in the power of visualization and intention-setting in birth, and that that power is multiplied when others gather with the same vision. Indeed, my birth with Juliette was exactly what I envisioned. I am grateful to my dear ones for joining with me to make that happen :)

If you'd like to make these candles for your blessingway or shower, it is super easy. I got the candles from the 99 cents store! I purchased etching creme and stencils from Michaels and stenciled in the words per the directions (pretty darned easy). And tied on a pretty gold ribbon. Voila, done!

So there it is - my one crafty idea. Share it, will you? :)

Nightweaning and Sleeping Through the Night

noreply@blogger.com (Momioso) — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 05:52:00 +0000

On the heels of my last post about how AP ain't for woosies - and "oh my back is so sore from my nightwaking toddler" - I am thrilled to report that my child and I are now sleeping through the night. Ahhhhh. That's the sound of a mama getting sleep. It feels so good!!!

How did I get from where I was a week ago to where I am today? Nightweaning. I thought it might be helpful to share my process:

I was somewhat apprehensive about nightweaning Juliette because she was 11.5 months old.. pretty young in my own estimation to be nightweaning. I wanted to make sure that I would still be responsive to her needs for food, love, and comfort from hurt, and I was worried that perhaps she could not communicate these things. On the flip side, she was nursing every hour and I could not sleep through it; my body was so sore I could barely move, and I truly needed sleep after more than a year (including pregnancy) of sleepless nights.
So - there was much to weigh. Her needs, my needs. Where to come down?

After receiving some reassurance from some of my AP friends, I came to realize that I could nightwean and still meet her needs. By continuing our co-sleeping arrangement, with her right there next to me, I could still give her all the love and cuddles she needed at night; I could offer her food and water were she hungry or thirsty. And - being right there with her I could intuitively know if something were truly wrong - I could hear her "I'm sick" cry (versus her "I'm tired" cry) or see if she was putting her hand in her mouth in pain or what have you.

So - after coming to a place in my heart that I felt comfortable with - I decided to give it a shot. Generally speaking, I followed my own "Nursies" nightweaning plan. I taught her for at least a month prior about what "sleepy time" is - I pantomimed it, I closed her eyes and laid her down and said "sleepy time" - anything I could think of so she could understand it was time for rest. I also read her the book a few times - using our own word for nursies which is "milkies." And then, on September 12, I began.

That night, she woke up for milk as usual and I told her "no milkies baby, sleepy time" and I laid her back down on the bed. And she tossed and she turned and she complained - not cried - and tossed and turned some more. And then - after about 5 minutes, went back to sleep. This repeated about 4 or 5 times that night. At about 2:30 or so, when I was worried she might be hungry, I offered her water and some bread. She took a sip or two of water and a bite of bread, and went back to sleep. She often fell asleep with her head nuzzled under my chin. Sweetness :)

Within three nights, she began sleeping from bedtime (8ish) to 2:45, then waking up again at 5:30 to nurse. I nursed her at 5:30. Last night, day 7, she slept from 8ish all the way through to 5:30 in the morning.

As compared to the nightweaning process with her big sister Elea - who I nightweaned at 22 months - this has been incredibly easy, for both of us. While Elea's nightweaning was done in the same gentle manner, she still had much stronger opinions about the matter. Some ( a few minutes) crying was involved - crying in arms, but still crying. And the time it took from beginning of nightweaning to sleeping through the night was longer - a few weeks I believe. My hunch is it is likely easier to nightwean a one'ish year old than a child that is closer to two because two year olds have very strong opinions about everything. It could, of course, also be temperament (although Elea is far more mellow than little Juliette, so perhaps not).

Anyway, just a little story from my house to yours - some inspiration if you are contemplating nightweaning. Dreams of sleep to you all :)

*** A couple of caveats ****

1 ) In no way do I recommend nightweaning young babies - heck, as I've mentioned, even 11.5 months is pretty young. Babies need nighttime calories from your breastmilk to grow and thrive and you as a nursing mama need to nurse at night (should your child want to) to maintain a good milk supply. Use your intuition when nightweaning - can your child's needs for love/comfort/nutrition still be met without nursing at night? IMO, the older the child, the more that answer is probably yes.

2 ) In an ideal world where I was superwoman, I would not need to nightwean my babes. I would have liked to be able to meet their nighttime needs/wants until they didn't have the need anymore. Problem is - they all slept like crap, and I'm not superwoman :(

Attachment Parenting Ain't For Woosies

noreply@blogger.com (Momioso) — Sat, 03 Sep 2011 16:00:00 +0000

Okay, I love the title of this blog post. I don't speak that way in normal conversation, I promise! - but it's such a perfect way of saying exactly what I mean: Attaching Parenting Is Hard Freaking Work.

This is going to come across as complaining - and if it does - so be it. I'm allowed a little complaining :) I don't do it much - and I think I've earned it. So here it is:

My body is so so sore because my co-sleeping 11 month old love bug wakes up numerous times at night to nurse and get some mama love - my back hurts from spending much of the night twisting my top breast down to reach her mouth. My back also hurts from carrying this 25 pound chunk a lunk up and down the stairs a gazillion times a day. And from wearing her in the Ergo when she's fussy when my back is already jacked up.

I am sleep deprived. Chronically sleep deprived. I have three girls and each and every one of them - current baby included - have been crap tastic sleepers. It's true - co-sleeping helps so so much (good God I can't imagine actually having to get out of bed and plodding to the next room to nurse!) - but still - REM sleep of any sort is a long and distant memory.

And speaking of memory - I have none. Okay - well, I have a little memory. But I spend much of the time calling my girls by the wrong name and asking them to put their "shoe" in the dishwasher when what I meant was - of course - their plate. Said memory loss comes from the sleep deprivation (at least, I hope so!)

And personal time - just for me - there is too too little. I spend an hour at bedtime parenting the girls to sleep - which means - for the baby - nursing her to sleep (that's easy and delicious!).. but then, going into the girls' room and doing the bedtime routine and then laying with them until they fall asleep. And I homeschool - and so much of my time (that would be free were they in school) during the day is filled with teaching and taking them to and from lessons and play dates and park days.

And when they have days where I find their behavior challenging - hitting and bickering and refusing to clean up - I spend a heck of a lot of time with them trying to reason and find mutually beneficial solutions to their conflicts.

Mainstream parenting would be SO. MUCH. EASIER. I often think that, really I do. It would be easier to close the door at bed time and tell them to go to sleep vs laying there with them. It would be easier to sleep train them as babies so they'd sleep through the night. It would be easier on those behavior days to exact discipline by time outs or spanking. And good god it seems like it would be way easier to send them to school (not sure it really would, but I like to imagine that at least :).

Even so though - I could never do that. Because always - at the back of my mind - is the reason I am parenting this way: Because they are beautiful divine beings that deserve to have their needs met. It's my job. Because meeting their needs now means that when they're grown, they will be so filled up with love that they won't have an empty spot in their soul that needs filling up with sex/food/drugs/liquor, etc. Because if I were a child - I would want someone to give me that sort of love.

And let's face it - while it may suck sometimes in the present moment - this time with our wee ones is short. The discomfort, sleeplessness - it will pass in a few years.. and before we know it - our children will be on their own and we will have all the alone time we could ever want. Except then - we probably won't want it. We will want these blessed years back.

How To Night Wean - Nursies When the Sun Shines Nightweaning Guide

noreply@blogger.com (Momioso) — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 22:47:00 +0000

There's no question about it, nursing a toddler is wonderful. It creates a beautiful bond between a mother and child, and it helps ease oh-so-many of those little person woes. For mothers whose toddlers wake up frequently at night to nurse, it can also be exhausting. At some point in the toddler nursing relationship, a mother may wish to night wean her child. It is for this mother that this book was written. This book will help a mother teach her child - through beautiful words and illustrations - that s/he should nurse during the day, and sleep at night.

Toddlers who wake at night to nurse are typically incredibly attached to nursing; moreover, to the comfort and love that they get from mother while nursing at the breast. Weaning before a child is ready can cause a great deal of fear, sadness and anxiety in a little person. Thus, night weaning - like any weaning from breastfeeding - needs to be done very gently, and gradually, and with the utmost compassion and love.

Here are some tips to help you gently night wean your little one:

Considerations prior to night weaning:

1. Make sure YOU are really ready to night wean. Night weaning a toddler can be emotionally and physically challenging for you. You will need to be able to compassionately handle your child's emotions when he wakes at night to nurse and you tell him he needs to wait until morning. Unless you are ready inside to go through with the night weaning, it will be very difficult; you'll find it easier to nurse than deal with your child's emotions, and your child will sense that you're not serious about the night weaning.

2. Make sure your child is ready to night wean. Babies should not be night weaned. Babies need the nutrition from your milk, and are too young to understand limitations being placed on their ability to nurse. Especially in the early days, you need to nurse on demand to keep up your milk supply. Toddlers, especially older toddlers, have at least some language skills, and thus can better understand what a mother is communicating. Using the technique below, give night weaning a try on your toddler. If s/he reacts with outrage (hitting, screaming, etc.) s/he is clearly not ready to be night weaned. Make another attempt to night wean in a couple of months.

A few weeks prior to night weaning:

3. Have lots of conversations with your toddler about the night weaning concept. Tell him or her how you are feeling, e.g. that you are so tired and that you would like him or her to stop nursing during the night so you can have lots of energy during the day to play. Talk to your child about night/dark and day/light. Read him or her Nursies When the Sun Shines; feel free to replace the word "nursies" in the book for whatever you call nursing in your family. Talk to him about the concepts in the book: nursing is for day time when the sun comes up. When the sun goes down and it's dark, then it is time to sleep. When you talk, use pantomime. At night before bed, point out the window and say "it's dark.. it's night time - it's time for sleep!" Pantomime sleep (close your eyes and lay down). When s/he wakes up in the morning, point out the window and say "it's daytime! see the sun? It's time for nursies!" During this time, you would continue to nurse on demand at night.

When you're ready to night wean:

4. Have the conversation about night weaning as usual, but this time make clear that tonight's the night. Let him or her know that when s/he wakes up at night tonight, the nursies will be sleeping, and that they'll wake up in the morning. Make sure to wear a top that is not nursing friendly and easy for a child to lift up. Have a sippy cup of water near by.

When your toddler wakes to nurse, point out the window and tell him or her that it's dark out, that nursies are sleeping, that s/he needs to go back to sleep. Tell him or her that you will hold her and give her lots of kisses instead, and then give her those hugs and kisses and cuddles. Tell her you love her lots. Tell her she can have water if she's thirsty and offer her the sippy cup. If your child is developmentally ready to night wean, she will probably fuss or even cry in your arms for a few minutes, and then calm down and soon go back to sleep. Do the same thing each time she wakes. When she wakes up and it's daylight, make the first morning nursing a big occasion. Show her how excited you are that it's day time and it's now time for nursing.

The Nights Following:

Continue having the before bed conversation as above, and when she wakes at night, continue to give her love and cuddles in lieu of nursing. Your child may continue to wake and fuss a bit for a week or two after you night weaned. Eventually, however, night waking to nurse should be greatly reduced or even eliminated.

You may want to make an exception and allow night nursing when your toddler is ill. They need extra love and comfort, as well as the antibodies in your milk when they're not feeling well. If you do this, though, do make sure to let them know that you're only nursing at night because she's ill.

Knowing When You Are Done Having Babies

noreply@blogger.com (Momioso) — Sun, 07 Aug 2011 07:30:00 +0000


My third and final baby, Juliette

My third baby is now ten months old. Hard to believe, as it seems like yesterday I was blogging about my beautiful home birth! As the months have gone by, and she's grown and flourished in our love and with my milk, I have spent a lot of time thinking about whether I am "done" having children. I grew up hearing my mom tell me that after she had my brother (I only have the one sibling) - she just knew she was done. In fact, she knew so clearly that she got her tubes tied and never looked back.

I think I've been hoping for that feeling. That feeling would make things a whole lot easier. Me though, I don't know. I mean, I have had three blissful pregnancies where I felt like the most loved and beautiful woman on earth. I have had three beautiful home birth experiences that I can remember with love, gratitude and fondness for the rest of my life. And my babies, oh, I so freaking love loving on and nursing my babies. On a daily basis - as this little baby gets bigger - I am reflecting inside - am I really done with all that juicy loveliness??

I guess the answer I've arrived at is a wistful and melancholy "I guess so." I realize that pregnancy and babies are very short lived - and after that - the real and very hard work of parenting begins. I realize that three children is a whole lot of work and that parenting four would kick my ass. Moreover, I realize I could not meet the needs of four children at the level they deserve to have their needs met. I realize I'll be 40 years old next year and that (as my father told me last year), I'm not a spring chicken. (Not that that, by the way, reflects on my ability to actually bear children because I think calling age a risk factor in pregnancy is BS). Moreso, it's the realization that I'd be quite old when the baby would become an adult and they may not have much time with me in their lives. And if I'm really honest with myself - our family - with three children - feels complete.

I think I was thinking there would be more glee in coming to this realization - kind of like graduation or something. But there's not. There's quite a bit of sadness in fact. So - I'm making it okay to feel grief about the ending of this phase of my life. I'm going to cry about it, because in my book, endings suck.

But I'm also going to focus on gratitude - for the amazing decade of baby making, birthing, beginnings.. for my amazing and powerful birthing and breastfeeding body.. and for the three amazing spirits God gave me to parent. Because gratitude feels a whole lot better than sadness :)

Tell me, how did YOU know you were done?

Parenting in the Now

noreply@blogger.com (Momioso) — Mon, 02 May 2011 05:18:00 +0000

A few days ago I was helping my daughters clean their room. It always puts me in a bad mood; I go into zealous crazy overdrive, railing about the enormous mess (leftover food, game pieces thrown willy nilly, filthy dirty clothes mixed with brand new clean ones on the floor) as I order - drill seargent-like - each girl to do specific tasks. This particular cleaning session was further crazi-fied by my caterwalling 6 month old baby who simply wanted to be held/nursed/loved/paid attention to.   In my fervor, I just couldn't stop myself. I wanted clean. I wanted order. And I wanted it now.

I informed the girls that they had TOO much stuff and that we needed to give some away. They resisted. They wanted all their stuff. They needed every shirt that they hadn't worn in a year. They liked every stuffed animal that sat, buried, at the bottom of their toy bin. They didn't want to give anything away.

And my mind - already twirling - flashed quickly to the TV show "Hoarders" - where poor sad people spend their lives locked in their houses buried along with piles and piles of decaying crap. In my mind, my daughters were the future stars of the Hoarders show.   In my fervor to clean, to give away, to downsize, to organize - I was trying to save my children from certain Hoarders doom.

When, later, I told my mom - my best friend - of this internal dialogue, she burst out laughing. What?? I said. I mean - it feels really real. If I don't teach my kids about the virtues of organization, generosity, minimalism now - won't all hell break loose when they grow up?

My mother's laughter provides me some reassurance that it won't. Apparently, my own room as a child was a disaster area too, and look at me now. I'm an organizational dynamo (or zealot- whichever works for you).

Here's my point with this post though. My most fearful crazy times as a parent have been when I look ahead into the future and imagine that my children will be then just as they are now. Messy today, hoarders tomorrow. Shoe-throwing tantrum-crazy 2 year old, psychotic adult prone to violence.   I know I'm not alone in this; many people decide not to share a family bed because the child will "never" want to leave. They don't pick up their crying baby at night because the child will never stop night-waking if they do.

I have to remember - we all have to remember - that things DO change. Things in 10 years won't be the same as they are now. Children will leave the family bed, they'll sleep through the night, and yes - they'll learn the importance of cleanliness and organization. They won't learn from lectures and yelling and neglect and shame though. They will learn from our example.

I want to be an example of love. So - I'm reminding myself to be in the present moment. To love and be grateful for NOW. To not fear tomorrow.

Next time I help them clean their room, my goal is to remember this :)

My Children's Book on Night Weaning - Published at Last!

noreply@blogger.com (Momioso) — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 18:01:00 +0000

A few years ago, I lay awake in bed in the middle of night when suddenly, inspiration struck. Into my mind popped the title and words for a children's book on night weaning. The title: Nursies When the Sun Shines. I lay there thinking of these sweet lulling words - words a mama would say to her nursling about nursing when the sun came up in the morning ... and when the words wouldn't leave my head, I grabbed a journal and wrote them down.

As I am ordinarily an analytical writer not prone to creative writing, I knew to sit up and take notice at this little gift from God. I knew the words must become a children's book, although I had no idea how children's books are even produced and published. Being the Type A person that I am, I researched and read and contemplated the traditional publishing model (get agent, send to publisher, fingers crossed they'll take notice and you get published); however, I quickly set that aside in lieu of producing the book myself.

Over the next two years, I created my own publishing company, located and hired a fabulous and gifted illustrator - Sara Burrier - enlisted the help of my multi-talented brother to do the design work, located and hired a book printer... and now, drum roll please.....

Nursies When the Sun Shines - A Children's Book on Night Weaning - is now available for purchase. Woo hoo!!! It's a gorgeous book - it's a beautifully constructed hard cover with durable pages, and with illustrations that bring to mind the classic Good Night Moon. I think you'll like it.

It is my hope that it will be a great tool for my fellow nursing mamas to help them communicate to their toddlers that nursing is for daytime and sleep is for night. I've been in the trenches - with a toddler that woke every 2 hours at night for 2 years.. I wish I had this book then!

The book is available for purchase at www.nursiesbook.com and costs $9.99 plus shipping/tax. Autographed books (should you want one!) are $12.99. Should you be in the Los Angeles area, you can also pick one up at the Los Angeles office of Midwife Davi Khalsa or at the Green Diaper Store in West Hills.

If you order one, I'd love to hear your thoughts - perhaps even feature your comments on my website. So let me hear from you!!

- Katherine

The Importance of Nurturing Post Partum Mamas

noreply@blogger.com (Momioso) — Tue, 16 Nov 2010 06:20:00 +0000

I didn't expect to be so overwhelmed when I had my baby last month. My body felt weak, my physical energy minimal. I had two older girls who needed my attention, and who were loud and demanding and tantrumy.. and all I wanted was to have quiet and be alone with my baby. I was beside myself worrying about my brand new baby that was showing early signs of colic, trying to figure out why nursing wasn't soothing her. Since I'm the cook in the family and wasn't in the condition or mindset to cook, we were eating out all the time. And laundry was coming out our ears due, in large part, to our insanely poopy newborn wearing cloth diapers. I was also worried about my husband. He was working his butt off keeping the big girls entertained or shuttling them to our in-laws, doing laundry, getting us take-out, and on top of all that, handling his bankruptcy practice and our personal financial life 300 miles from home. I felt guilty that he was doing so much while I lay in bed.

About three days post partum, my midwife Davi stopped by the house to check on me. She found me in bed, crying, because I was so, so overwhelmed. "Enough is enough Katherine," she said. "Reese has his hands full, and you need some help! You need someone to take care of you!" And without further ado, she whipped out her cell phone, called a post partum doula, and told the doula she needed to get over to our house, pronto. Within a few hours, Glyol the doula was there, taking care of me. She made me food. She brought me water. She gave me a back massage. She held the baby while I showered, ate, and slept. What a relief!

When I arrived home to the Bay Area a few days later, my friends began delivering me meals. Nearly every single day for more than two weeks after we arrived home, there was a friend at my door bringing me a home cooked super yummy vegetarian dinner. And - so very generously - a number of them volunteered to watch my big girls so that I could rest and bond with the baby. Thanks to these gracious ladies, I felt so loved..less overwhelmed.. and much more like myself.

I wish every woman who births had the support that I had. In many countries and cultures, after all, it's the norm to provide a new mother six full weeks of tender loving care.. cooking for her, cleaning for her, caring for her children while she rests and recooperates and bonds with her new baby. Here in America, though, there is no post-birth nurturing for mom; we are expected to go right back to our normal routines with a new baby, and no real support. It's such an incredible shame. We women deserve to be loved and nurtured and taken care of in these incredibly fragile weeks after giving birth to a baby.

Since we do not have that, I would say this to my dear women friends who are expecting. If you are at all able, hire a midwife - because she will provide you nurturing and holistic care after you have your baby. If you're able to financially, hire a post partum doula - even just for a few days... they provide amazing care! And finally, join a mothers club - or two. Not only will you make friends that will be there to support you post partum, many have programs that provide you meals after you give birth.

Juliette is Born: an Easy Breezy Beautiful Homebirth Story

noreply@blogger.com (Momioso) — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 20:35:00 +0000

Three weeks ago today, my daughter Juliette was born into this world. The birth was easy, quick, painless, and complication free. For months and months leading up to the birth, I had envisioned her birth this way. I had asked my dearest friends to hold that vision too. That intention became reality - and for that, I am unbelievably blessed, and deeply grateful.

The story begins in a beautiful Los Angeles home that we rented from this dear couple, Dana and Paula. The home was located in a busy part of the San Fernando Valley, but felt like a beautiful birthing retreat - tucked away and on an oh-so-private lot protected by fir and orange trees. The master bedroom contained a soft, cushy bed with a beautiful headboard, and a big picture window looked out to the orange trees in the front. I sat for hours - both before and after Juliette was born - gazing out that window relaxing in the sanctity of that bedroom nest.

The first day we got into that beautiful house, Dana and Paula expressed their desire that we have our baby there at the home. I could not believe it! We later found out that Dana and Paula were veterans at natural living and attachment parenting - they co-slept, unschooled, cloth diapered and natural birthed - and were tickled that we were traveling that same path too. What a universal blessing to be connected with these lovely people!

Once we were settled into the home, I began telling little Juliette within me that it was okay for her to come out now.. that I was looking forward to seeing her - that we were in the place where she was going to be born. Five days went by - I kept looking for signs - mucus plug? bleeding? contractions? Fat face? (always a sign I'm going to deliver soon...)? On Wednesday, October 6, I did finally have that nice ripe full face - in fact, I woke up in the morning and both Reese and Brianna commented on it. You can see it here in this picture!

We went to the Science Museum in downtown Los Angeles later that day... and I got to feeling like things were going to happen. Juliette was moving around like crazy.. I was having funky sensations in my uterus. We went back to the house, and I called Davi, our midwife, and she came over and checked me but said nothing was happening.

Yet - at about 9pm that night, I lost part of my mucus plug. I knew then that Juliette would probably be born soon - both my previous babes were born within 1 or 2 days of losing my mucus plug. I told Reese I was going to try to get some rest, and I went into the darkened bedroom and lay down. But my adrenaline was already pumping in anticipation - and though I lay there for hours, I simply could not sleep.

At about one in the morning on Thursday, October 7, I tuned into my body - and discovered I was having contractions. They were not painful.. only identifiable as contractions by the fact that I was having them every five minutes or so. At two, I woke Reese and told him I was having contractions. Reese urged me to call Davi; I did so even though I was reluctant to wake her in the middle of the night (I always worry about inconveniencing people.. what if this was "false labor?") - Although I was only in early labor, Davi arrived at the house shortly after I called... she knew from Elea's (my second child) birth how fast my babes come. When she arrived, she said I should try to get some rest. So - Reese made up the bed for the birth (comfy sheets for post-birth, then a layer of plastic on top to protect the bed, then, on top of that, old sheets that were suitable for getting dirty), and then I climbed on top, and lay on my left side.

Resting in the silent darkness, I witnessed the contractions within me. The tightness began in front, then ended in the back... I felt like I was in the middle of a beautiful spiral of power. As the contractions came, I visualized and said to my body "...open... open... I am ready for you baby..I am ready." I continued visualizing Juliette's perfect positioning, the cord well out of the way, the fluid clear, her easy journey down the birth canal, her taking a big beautiful breath when she emerged, and lastly - my uterus clamping down after I had birthed her placenta.

Around 5 in the morning, the contractions had become longer and more intense. I began making calls and texts - I called Sandy, the birth photographer, and asked her to come. I texted my dear friend Rose, who was to notify a few other friends that I was in labor. These women would be supporting me spiritually - lighting a candle for me - while I birthed.

Shortly thereafter, I told Davi that the contractions had become more intense...and she could see I was getting ready for my birthing time. She began getting all her equipment laid out on the table next to the bed - getting pads ready beneath me.

And then, around 6 am, I was in transition.. that amazingly overwhelming feeling - your whole body taking over, opening - allowing that beautiful babe to emerge. I began vocalizing - noises of a woman working hard, oh so hard, to allow her babe to be born. I remember Davi saying to me "This is as intense as it's going to get..." I remember not being able to breathe - just taking tiny tiny breaths. And then I needed to push - and I pushed once, twice, and that sweet little babe came out of my body oh-so-quickly... the proverbial birth ejection reflex.

And there she was - our little Juliette. Covered, covered with vernix. A head full of dark hair. Looking just like her older sisters. Beautiful, and perfect.

The birth had happened so quickly, I hadn't called the photographer in time.. I hadn't call my brother in time (he was going to watch my older girls while I was birthing).. he arrived just as Juliette was being born. Here's a shot he took with his I-phone just minutes after Juliette was born.

Sandy, the photographer, arrived within minutes of Juliette's birth. The pictures that she did get, however, tell the story...

Our gratitude.. our joy.. the sheer pleasure of a perfect, cozy birth at home.

Photos courtesy of Sandy Correll at Clicky Photography. She's a great photographer based out of Santa Clarita, CA.

On Haitus - Baby Coming Soon!

noreply@blogger.com (Momioso) — Tue, 28 Sep 2010 00:09:00 +0000

Just a quick post to apologize for not writing in forever! I'm just a week or two from giving birth to our third little girl and have been using all my free time to sleep and nest and veg and all that good stuff.

Do keep me in your heart and prayers that this birth will be - as the other two have been - easy, painless, quick and complication free.

See you on the other side :)

With love and gratitude,
Katherine

On Being an Advocate

noreply@blogger.com (Momioso) — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 04:51:00 +0000

I recently received a scathing comment from a Momioso reader. She indicated that the blog was offensive because I "look down on people who have different experiences." She said that I should communicate in a kinder fashion so as to inspire - and not offend - people with my advocacy.

Now certainly, I disagree with her assessment of me. I don't feel that I look down on or judge people. In fact, I pride myself as being someone that rarely, if ever, says an unkind word about anyone. I understand that people are doing the best they can (myself included), and that we're here on Earth to learn, share, and raise up our consciousnesses.

I will, however, readily admit that I judge, and have strong opinions, regarding people's behaviors. If you read this blog, you know what my opinions are. I believe attachment parenting is the kindest, most loving way to parent. I believe natural family living is the kindest, most loving way to treat our Earth. I believe vegetarianism is the kindest, most conscious way to eat.

And I don't apologize for that. You see, to me, there's a difference between people and behavior. I can honor and love a person, and yet not agree with (or in fact diametrically oppose) their behavior.

I am not writing to be liked or to win popularity contests. I am writing to express my passion for AP and NFL and moreover, for the rights of children to be raised in compassionate, gentle, loving environments. I am writing to inform and educate, I am writing to raise awareness. I am an advocate, plain and simple.

When I started this blog a year ago, I knew full well that some people would get angry with me. I truly believe that you cannot be a leader, you cannot be an advocate, without pissing people off. In fact, others' outrage might even be a litmus test of one's advocacy success. I will always remember something famous self-improvement blogger Steve Pavlina once said (and this is a total paraphrase) - even if you piss someone off, at least you got them to thinking. And thinking is the first step towards change.

There are many, many voices out there, and there are many, many ears. My strong voice will only appeal to some people; other, more gentle and restrained voices, will appeal to others (including the above-referenced commenter). That's the beauty of it all. I can be me - I can convey the words and passion that God puts inside me, and the people who are meant to read it, and be affected by it, will be.

I am grateful for all of you who have read this blog and who have supported me over the past year. Thank you so much.

Only 1 out of 5 Children Free From Physical Harm at Parents' Hands

noreply@blogger.com (Momioso) — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 05:43:00 +0000

Last week, I posted a ginormous rant about how a mom on a Southwest Airlines flight slapped her 13 month old child (who was already sporting a black eye) on the face and legs without any legal repurcussion whatsoever. I expressed my outrage that in our society "parental rights" trump the rights of a child to be free from harm and abuse. (And yes, just to be clear, I believe spanking in any form IS abuse.)

In the day or so following that post, two articles were published that show just how prevalent this abuse is in our society. According to University of North Carolina researchers, a whopping 79 percent of parents spank their pre-schoolers; nearly 25 percent do so with an object other than their hand. Tulane University researchers found that 65 percent of 3 year olds were spanked within the previous month; they also found that children whose parents were aggressive towards one another were far more likely to spank their children. (No surprise there, of course. Abuse begets abuse.)

The truth about the sad state of parenting - and childhood - in our country? Only 1 out of every 5 young children is free from physical abuse at the hands of their parents. 1 out of 5.

These statistics are appalling. Our children deserve so much better - so much more love and compassion - than that.

A Call to Action

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to change. It's not.

- Dr. Seuss

To you, the 79 percent that are spanking your children: Educate yourself about the harm and ineffectiveness of physical punishment, and learn new ways to parent - gently.

To you, who stand with me in the belief that our children deserve the same love, respect and gentleness that we adults require, speak out - teach others - do whatever you can to spread the word. Your advocacy WILL make a difference.

---------------------------------------------------
NOTATION:

In 1999, Dr. Elizabeth Thompson Gershoff of Arizona State University conducted a meta-analysis, pulling together the findings from 84 international studies on corporal punishment, involving nearly 40,000 subjects. She found links between spanking and 10 negative behaviors or experiences, including aggression, antisocial behavior and mental health problems. Findings were exceptionally robust that corporal punishment:

... decreases children's moral internalization
... increases aggression in childhood
... increases criminal and anti-social behavior in childhood
... undermines a positive relationship between parent and child
... impairs mental health in childhood
... increases the likelihood that children will be victims of physical abuse

More info at: http://www.wavetrust.org/index.htm?http://www.wavetrust.org/Preventing_Violence/Effects_of_Smacking.htm

The Southwest Airlines Mom and How Our Society Condones Child Abuse

noreply@blogger.com (Momioso) — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 06:37:00 +0000

I'll admit that I get riled up pretty easily - but nothing, and I mean NOTHING, makes me more crazy than parents hitting their children in the name of discipline. A story broke yesterday that has got me going. A mother on a Southwest Airlines flight slapped her 13 month old child in the face and on the legs because she couldn't get the child to stop screaming. Passengers complained, a heroic flight attendant intervened, and the child was taken from the mother for the remainder of the flight. Ugh. So sad, so maddening.

What really makes my blood boil, though, is that the police in the case let the mother go merrily on her way. No arrest. No jail. Nothing. I am outraged that our legal system and our society permit - no, condone - physical violence towards children, as long as that violence doesn't go "too far."

We've learned from this case that in our great nation, it's not "too far" to publicly slap your child in the face, speak to the child in a demeaning fashion ("Shut up" and "I didn't hit you that hard,"), and to "pop" said child whenever she won't stop screaming and kicking. It's not even "too far" when said child was already sporting a black eye from an alleged dog bite.

There is an insane double standard at work in our country, as evidenced here. If this mother had engaged in the very same behavior on the very same flight towards any other person on that plane (including someone else's child), the mother would have been hauled off in handcuffs and booked on assault charges. Yet because she hit her own daughter, the behavior was a-okay.

Bang head on wall.

The bottom line - our society values "parental rights" and privacy rights over the sanctity and safety of our children. The only way to explain the insane double standard is that our society believes children are of less value than adults. Since they are less than us, parents can do to children what they want, within reason.

It's tragic. It's barbaric. And it's blatantly wrong.

Listen up: The only difference between a child and an adult is the size of the body. Children have the same minds, the same hearts, the same souls, the same fears, the same desire for love and respect and autonomy as adults. If we are EVER to move ahead as a race, we have got to realize this. They are not our property. We do not own them. We are their guardians, and that is it.

Spanking, "popping," slapping, shaming, all inflict harm on a child - physical and mental. And if a parent is doing it, then he or she is not a guardian, but an abuser.

To the woman on the Southwest Airlines flight, to any parent that can not get between their anger/frustration and their raised palm or fist, I say this: Get your shit together. Stop justifying your behavior as permissible because you're a parent, or because God or your church said it it okay, or because it was done to you and you're okay. Get some therapy. And learn how to control your freaking emotions.

Photo courtesy of VMJones, istockphoto.com

Preserving Childhood

noreply@blogger.com (Momioso) — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 16:22:00 +0000

Photo courtesy of my amazing brother, Paul Emerson

A study came out this week indicating that girls are entering puberty earlier than ever before. 10-23 percent (depending on race) develop as early as 7 years old. SEVEN. How incredibly shocking - and sad - is that?

It's no surprise to me that this is occurring; most parents regularly feed their children non-organic meat and dairy produced by factory-farmed animals that have been jacked up with hormones. Add to that the gobs of estrogen-mimicking processed GMO soy that is in everything... our childrens' bodies are simply one big toxic mess.

It seems to me, though, that the early puberty phenomena is also a physical manifestation of our society's desperate drive to make our children grow up, and be independent, earlier and earlier. Babies are expected to sleep in cribs, on their own, all night, so as to train them to be independent.   Little boys are chided not to cry, to be tough, when they feel sad or are hurt.   Young girls are dressed in sweatpants with the word "Juicy" on the butt and are proud to sport their mani pedis. Children - in many cases - have a mere 18 months at home with a parent before they are placed in pre-school to get them "ready" for school. Our school system's main focus? To teach children more and more, younger and younger, so that they can succeed later in life.

Why does our society have such little tolerance for childhood?? What the hell is the hurry?

I, for one, am doing everything I possibly can to protect and preserve my girls' childhoods. I know that they literally have (and should have!) 11, maybe 12 years of real childhood before puberty kicks in. And I want them to enjoy every last minute of those short years. I want them to be free to be silly and crazy. I want them never to doubt how amazing they are. I want them to be ignorant of trends and fads. I want them to learn and grow at their own pace.

Here is what I do, and have done, to preserve and protect their childhoods:

1) No Disney princess anything and no old Disney movies. Period.   My children don't need to be waiting til their prince will come, and dressed all sweetly in ball gowns and crowns to make that happen. Blech.

2. I homeschool. My girls are exposed to our values which encourage them and support their self esteems. They are friends with children whose parents share the same value systems as I hold dear. They learn at their own pace, in their own way.

3. I tell them, frequently, that childhood is short, and amazing, and they need to enjoy every minute of it. This typically comes up when they comment on another girl wearing nail polish, or make up, or Disney princess outfits.

4. We avoid commercialized merchandise. They aren't permitted to wear or use anything that is tied to something on television or in the movies.

5.   Similarly, I only buy for them clothing that is age appropriate. My girls will never wear Juicy couture. They do not wear clothing that is low cut, or half cut, or sexualized in any way (this includes bikini style bathing suits).

6. We allow media in the home, but we are selective as to what they watch.   PBS and the Disney Channel (in the AM) are allowed as they have quality content and feature little to no commercials for crappy "food" and crappy plastic toys made in China. We expose them to classic and wholesome movies like The Sound of Music and Annie and Alice in Wonderland.

7. No nail polish, no make up, even for fun. I make it clear that those things are for bigger girls. I, myself, rarely wear either - so there is little focus on these things in the house.

8. And, to minimize their risk of early-onset puberty, our family eats a high quality, nutritious, organic, vegetarian diet.

The results of my efforts? My oldest girl is nearly 7, and my youngest is 4.   They are healthy (rarely rarely sick) and happy, with strong self-esteems. They have active imaginations and play for hours with dolls and blocks and pretend kitchen toys. They aren't afraid to be silly, or loud. They love the outdoors. They wear dresses and flowers in their hair, embracing their feminine in a wholesome way. They never compare themselves to other children - to what other children have or do. They have excellent manners. They don't judge other people; they're colorblind. They take people as they are. They pursue their passions and have no knowledge of any limitation.

Are they sheltered? Hell yes. And you know what, I'm okay with that. I am a mommy police officer fighting the crime against childhood - it's my job to preserve and protect their minds, bodies, spirits and souls. So far, I'm winning, and I'm damn proud.

11 Things I Wish I Knew As A New Parent

noreply@blogger.com (Momioso) — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 02:25:00 +0000

A grainy picture of me as a new mother, with Brianna, my first baby.

Ah, if I could go back and tell myself these things, I'd have no regrets.

1.    Despite the excitement of registering for (and receiving) all that baby stuff, it all just gets in the way and ultimately clutters the landfill. A sling and your breasts provide your baby all he could ever want.

2.    Breastfeed. There is nothing - nothing - that makes you feel more blissed out, more loved, than nursing your baby.

3.   When the going gets tough with breastfeeding (and it likely will in those first 6 weeks), don't give up. Do whatever you can to get the help you need. No need for expensive lactation consultants; La Leche League - through their leaders, meetings, and books - offers their wealth of knowledge for free.

4.   Those first few months of your baby's life will pass in the blink of an eye. Spend every moment you can holding that little one.... with a sling during the day, and co-sleeping at night.

5.   Babies and toddlers don't sleep through the night. It's normal and instinctual for them to wake up. Your job is to be there to comfort (and nurse!) them when they do.

6.   Don't listen to other mothers when it comes to parenting decisions, because most of what they will tell you is crap. Crap that is harmful to baby and harmful to the child/mother bond. Listen to your own intuition and guidance instead.

7.   Children don't need to be taught independence when it comes to sleep, feeding, or otherwise. The desire for independence comes naturally to all human beings. When your child is ready to become independent from you, he will.

8. Research every little thing anyone - particularly doctors - tells you that you have to do to your pregnant self and to your child. Research prenatal testing. Epidurals and all things birth. Vaccines. Circumcision. Pediatric growth charts. The sufficiency of your milk supply. You and your baby deserve better than the uninformed status quo.

9.   Your easy-going baby will - at some point - turn into a toddler with a mind of his own. His desires will absolutely differ from yours. When faced with the inevitable tantrums, know that it's a normal and necessary outlet for his emotions, and keep your own energy under control.

10.   Children are loud, messy and chaotic. Expect it, embrace it. Don't waste precious time with your children trying to keep their noise and mess always "under control."

11.   Above all, all your child wants from you is love, physical affection, and acceptance. Do your damndest to provide that to him every day, in every way.

Contemplating This, My Last Pregnancy

noreply@blogger.com (Momioso) — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 20:38:00 +0000

I am 29 weeks pregnant with our third child. She's the final baby. Of that, I am sure. It's long been my intuition that I'd have three children, and I am blessed that the Universe has seen to gift us with three. I suppose there could be an "accident," but it's pretty unlikely. I'm 38 now, it took us a year and a half to get pregnant this time, I practice extended nursing and didn't get my period back after baby two for 2.5 years post partum, and women in my family go into menopause in their early 40s. So long story short, this is it.

The past eight years of my life has revolved, in great part, around getting pregnant, being pregnant, giving birth, and anticipating getting pregnant again. So it seems very, very momentous to be done with having children.

When my beloved step-father died when I was in my early 20s, I learned just how important it is to appreciate our loved ones - and the precious experiences they give us - while they are in our lives. As a result, I likely spend more time than most reflecting on and being grateful for the people in my life. Every day I stop and look at my children, my husband, freezing them like photographs in my mind, wanting to relish them in this moment. For I know that life with them is too short.

It is with that perspective that I am contemplating, appreciating, this last pregnancy. I lay in bed at night, rubbing my baby belly, saying to myself "This is the last 11 weeks of my entire lifetime that I am going to have a baby inside me." 11 weeks more being pregnant. Ever. I am trying to drill it into my brain. I am trying GET the hugeness of this being the end - so that I don't miss it when it's gone.

So when I look at my baby belly in the mirror, I laugh and smile with joy.
When little Juliette kicks and moves and rumbles around inside me, I try to remember in vivid detail how amazing it feels.
I rub my belly as if I'm already holding her in my arms... loving her within me.

Conscious appreciation of life - it's the next best thing to time standing still.

The photo at the top, taken by my brother Paul Emerson, is of me pregnant with my first child, Brianna, at about 30 weeks pregnant.

Homeschooling Mind Trip

noreply@blogger.com (Momioso) — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 06:29:00 +0000

One of the hardest things for me about homeschooling are the mind trips. As much as I love homeschooling, as dedicated as I am to it, there have been many times since I started 2 years ago that I am awash with doubt. Doubt about myself and my ability to do it correctly, worry that I'm doing enough for my daughter, worry that I am somehow short-changing her.

My daughter Brianna is 6.5. Last month, we began second grade; we are working through the summer so that I can take time off in the fall to have my third baby. Brianna, relatively eager to "do school" in the past, has, all of a sudden, begun to drag her feet about school. Meanwhile, her younger sister Elea, is the academic eager-beaver and wants to do school every day, as often as she can get me to work with her.

Today Brianna told me she hated school. Ugh, this made me sad - the very reason I am homeschooling her is because I want her to love learning!! I pressed her for the "why" - and it seems to revolve around her sister. I gather she feels like her sister is in the way, distracting her; she also notices that her sister is more zealous about school and has a longer attention span at it.

And so, being a perfectionist, I start an inner dialogue. Maybe she should be in school...but wouldn't school be worse for someone who professes to hate school? If I were a better, more animated, more creative teacher, she wouldn't be so frustrated. I don't have the energy to be that kind of teacher though. I need to get her into more activities.. she's high energy, so she's bored. But we only have one car right now so that's hard. Should I be "unschooling" her? But unschooling doesn't feel right to me. How do I juggle teaching these two, clearly very different children? What if I'm short changing her and she will look back at her school years and blame me for them not being "normal?" On and on and on. Yup, quite the mind trip I'm on.

I went through one of these mind trips last year as well. My homeschool advisor Allison talked me down from that one. She's been talking me down from this one as well :) Thank God for her.

Ultimately, though, when it comes to homeschooling mind trips - I have learned that I just need to walk (and work) through the doubt. Do the best I can with the energy and resources that I have. Ask for help from those who have been there done that (a homeschooling support network is a must). Trust my intuition that homeschooling is the right choice, at least right now. And pray that because I am giving my heart and soul to my children, giving them the love, attention and education that they need - that they will, in fact, be grateful for the gift of homeschooling.

Do You Use Plastic as a Parenting Proxy?

noreply@blogger.com (Momioso) — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 15:41:00 +0000

It seems to me that as soon as babies pop out of the womb, they are parented more by plastic than by people.

Instead of being held closely, skin to skin, babies are transported and often left to sleep in plastic bucket car seats and strollers. Instead of feeding and soothing babies with the breast, their mouths are plugged with plastic and silicone pacifiers and nipples. Instead of sleeping body to body against the warmth of their mothers and fathers, babies are left to sleep alone on plastic covered mattresses in wood and plastic cribs. Instead of being lulled to sleep in the arms of a parent, or in the swaying closeness of a sling, they are placed in battery operated plastic swings.

This parenting by plastic proxy is considered absolutely normal, totally unquestioned, and in many instances, even preferable (think of the medical and governmental takes on co-sleeping and baby slings). It's crazy to me.

How did we get to this point, where actual flesh-and-blood human touch and caring of our children is too much of a burden? Why is it so hard for parents to hold, love, carry, touch, be with their babies? Why do they always need a plastic something-or-other between themselves and their child?

I have some theories.

1. Do as the Jones Do. It's part of the human condition to do as others do. Everyone parents by plastic proxy, and thus new parents do it too. Plastic parenting is so prevalent that parents (like me, with my first baby) will ignore their instincts - their desire to love and hold their children - in order to heed the status quo.

2. It Requires an Open Heart. Flesh and blood parenting (that is, parenting without plastic) is hard work. It requires a lot out of you emotionally and physically to give to your baby that which your baby truly requires. It's easier to stick a bottle in a baby's mouth versus learning to breastfeed. It's easier to plop a baby in a swing versus stopping what you're doing to hold and rock your child. It's easier for most people to detach from their children, using plastic, than meeting the child's many and constant needs. Parenting - in its ideal state - is work intensive, all hours, constant need-meeting. Most people simply don't have the heart to do it.

If you're currently using a lot of plastic in your parenting, it's simple to stop. Pick something, and stop using it. Leave your stroller at home and buy and use a sling instead. Ignore the Joneses, and bring your baby or child to sleep in your bed with you. When your baby cries, don't pop a pacifier in its mouth. Hold the baby, rock the baby, sing to the baby, feed the baby. Respond to its needs.

We parents can change the status quo. We can open hearts. Each one of us that provides our children physical and emotional responsiveness teaches them the importance of flesh and blood, truly human caring. They will know how to love and give fully, and will pass these gifts on to their own children. And slowly, plastic parenting will give way to humanity again.

The Family Bed: Not Just for Babies

noreply@blogger.com (Momioso) — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 16:45:00 +0000

In attachment parenting research and discussions, there is a lot of emphasis placed on co-sleeping with infants. The benefits are numerous - promotion of infant/parent bonding, making breastfeeding easier, helping parents get more sleep, even reducing the likelihood of SIDS.

There is little to nothing written, however, about co-sleeping with the older child. The dearth of discussion may lead newer parents to believe that co-sleeping must end once an infant becomes a toddler and/or ends the breastfeeding relationship.

I am here to say that this is not true. Co-sleeping continues to benefit both children, and parents, even as the child grows. Toddlers, who spend their days exploring and pushing limits, feel comforted at night, laying with their parents, knowing they are loved - tantrums or not. Pre-schoolers - who often fear bumps and monsters and all sorts of creepy things in the dark - feel safe and secure with parents by their side. And the pressures of the school day melt away when school aged children are allowed to share the family bed with their parents.

My girls are 6.5 and 4 years old, and remain, quite happily, in our family bed. I truly feel like our nighttime closeness is their "safe place to land." No matter the chaos or emotionality of the day, they know they can go to sleep with their parents by their side, safe and secure and loved.

I too feel the peace of having them there at night. I look at them before I go to sleep... and every night, the last thing I feel is the depth of gratitude and love that I have for them. On days when I have been driven crazy by their tantrums or insane amount of energy that I can't keep up with, I just have to admire their angelic sleeping forms and all that stress just melts away. And as far as motherly worldly worries are concerned, I never have to worry that they're too far away in case of a fire, or intruders, or earthquake or what have you.

My brother, who is not yet a parent although supportive of attachment parenting, has been asking lately how long the girls will be sleeping in our bed. It's a fair and important question... I am sure that many parents don't co-sleep at all for fear that the children will "never" leave the bed.

Here's the answer. They'll leave the family bed when their night time attachment needs are met.. when nights are not so scary... when they don't need mom and dad so close at hand. How long will this be in actual months or years? It depends on the child. In my early days of attachment parenting, I asked a mom who had been AP'd herself how long she co-slept. She told me she wanted to start sleeping with her older sister, so she had left the family bed at 2.5.

Be assured, dear reader, that it won't be forever. Your child learned learned to talk because he was ready to communicate, he learned to walk because he was ready to go faster, he transitioned to solid foods when he was ready for more than milk. Children will leave the family bed because independence from parents is inherent in human nature.

My girls are perfectly happy in the family bed - and I am glad for that. I know these precious days of their youth - when they want to be around us and share all our daily lives - are sadly sadly too short. The beauty of the family bed is that that precious time we parents have with our children is doubled, simply by sleeping side by side at night.

Check Out My Guest Post Over at Code Name: Mama!

noreply@blogger.com (Momioso) — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 15:56:00 +0000

Friends, I'm so excited to announce that my guest post, Approaching Children's Behavior with Compassion, is featured today on Code Name: Mama's wonderful blog! Code Name: Mama's blog is a great resource for information and support about natural parenting. She also runs a monthly Natural Parenting blog carnival.. this month's topic (coming soon!) is Outdoor Fun. Be sure to head over to her site to read my post and to check out all the other great things she has to offer!

Why Do You Get to Sleep With Your Partner, But Your Baby Has to Sleep Alone?

noreply@blogger.com (Momioso) — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 22:13:00 +0000

Time after time after time after time on Yahoo groups and discussion boards and at the playground and everywhere else young moms communicate, there is a familiar refrain: "My baby's not sleeping through the night. What should I do?" The response, inevitably, is some kind of variation of "you're going to have to let her cry to teach her how to sleep."

As a mom to two children, trust me when I say I understand sleep deprivation. My youngest child woke every two hours until she was 22 months old.

What I don't understand is why parents torment their children by leaving them to cry alone in their cribs instead of taking that freaking child to their bed and sleeping together as a family. Babies and children wake up, most often, because they want comfort and closeness with their mother. Why do we deny them this? How come all us mothers get to sleep comfy and cozy with our partners, yet we deny our babies the same pleasure?

The hypocricy, the doublestandardness of it all, angers me.

Truth is, I know why parents do it, because six years ago - in my early parenting days - I did it too. I remember the desperate need for sleep. I remember reaching out to a friend and asking what to do. I remember her telling me to let my daughter cry. I remember thinking that at six months, my daugher was old enough to handle it - that she "knew" I loved her. I remember believing - because Tammy Hogg, "The Baby Whisperer," told me so - that if she didn't learn to sleep now, she never would.

Thing is, it's all just such crap. Your child will sleep through the night, sooner or later. Children learn to crawl and walk and talk and eat without any help from you. The same thing applies to sleep.

Parents, make it easier on yourself and make a more loving choice for your child. Bring the baby to your bed, cuddle up, and enjoy being together.

Handling Your Child's Behavior Problems With Compassion

noreply@blogger.com (Momioso) — Tue, 25 May 2010 06:03:00 +0000

It always comes as a surprise - especially to new parents - when a young child suddenly develops a will of his own. The ease of the baby years pass, and suddenly, that complacent little cherub learns the word "no." He refuses to eat what you want him to eat. Refuses to put his shoes on. Wants to wear underwear to the store and nothing else. Screams when you put him in the car seat. Whines all day long. Throws tantrums in the grocery store. Throws shoes at unwitting parents from the back seat to the front (yes, that was my child). From the toddler years, on, we parents are presented with a vast array of behaviors that challenge, frustrate, anger us, and perhaps drive us to tears.

Our immediate, innate reaction is to get control of the situation. We adults always want to be in control. When a child acts out, it scares us. Our brains flash forward ten years, and we fear that if we don't get control now, the child will be wild as a teenager. So we react. We react with threats.   "Stop screaming now or I will put you on time out." "Stop throwing your shoes or I will take away your new toy." Or, we react with bribes. "If you put on your shoes, you can have a cookie." "For each night you stay in your room without getting out of bed, you'll get a sticker on your star chart."

While these tactics come easily to us, and do, indeed work to some extent in the moment that they're applied, they are not ideal. Alfie Kohn, author of Unconditional Parenting and numerous other wonderful works, believes that when we use threats and bribes on our children, we are not providing them unconditional love. Instead, we are teaching them that our love depends on their complacency with our demands. When we bribe, we are telling them that they need to earn our love; when we threaten, we make them feel that our love can be taken away.   We certainly do not intend to convey these messages, but indeed, they are the messages that are communicated.

We need to challenge ourselves to parent from a gentler, more compassionate place.

When confronted with a behavioral problem - which we typically only realize after we've been in react/control mode and our threats/bribes have failed us - we need to step back and ask ourselves one question: Why is my child doing this?

The answer, generally speaking, is that the child has a need that is not being met. Here are some of the major needs that might be underlying behavior problems.   When confronted with a problem, mentally scan through these and see which might apply:

1.   Overtired. Did your child get up too early this morning, or go to bed too late last night? Miss a needed nap? Hasn't slept well for days?
2.   Low Blood Sugar - Has your child recently eaten healthy, non-sugary food, or has it been many many hours?
3.   Sick - Is your child sick, coming down with something, or teething?
4.   Diet - Has your child eaten artificial colors (e.g. F, D & C # whatever), MSG, high fructose corn syrup/refined sugars today? Every day?
5. Is there a new stressor in your/your child's lives? Are you pregnant? Did you just have a baby? Are you and your partner going through relationship troubles? Is your child being bullied, or having trouble (e.g. grades) at school? If you're single, do you have a new partner?
6. Could this just be the child's developmental stage? Is this simply a point in your child's development where behavior challenges are normal?

If you think reasons #1-4 might be the problem, cut your child a lot of slack. Understand that his behavior stems from one of these causes, and let him release the energy for the moment (it's okay to let him scream! it's okay if he doesn't eat!). Then, work to meet his needs. If the child is tired, help him get more sleep in (sleep WITH your child if you need to). If your child has low blood sugar from not eating in awhile, get him healthy protein and vitamin rich food STAT! If your child is sick, or teething, offer him the breast and/or soothing food, homeopathy (or Western meds if that's your thing), and lots and lots of hugs and holding and quiet time together on the couch. If your child is eating food that's not good for him, change what your child is eating - ensure his diet only consists of healthy, organic fruits, vegetables, nuts, proteins, and whole grains, and lots of water.

If there is, or recently has been, some major change going on in your lives, you must keep this in mind: children are incredibly sensitive. They DO know what's going on. They feel stress just like us, and just like us, feel afraid and angry as a result of the stress. Unlike us, however, children do not know how to gently communicate their feelings. Children are great big balls of emotion and energy, and instead of talking or crying it out, they scream, they throw things, they hit, they are so lost in their emotion that they refuse to listen to us. If your child is acting this way, instead of threatening, instead of bribing... allow her to express that energy. And then make it your mission to let her know she is loved, cherished, adored. Always.

How? Increase your physical contact with your child. If she's light enough, wear her in a carrier (we carried our 2.5 -3 year old in an Ergo after her baby sister was born). Let her sleep with you in your bed if you're not already. Hug her all the time. Sit with her on the couch with your arm around her. Take her on special trips where you can spend quality time together. Tell her how much she is loved, that she is safe, that there's no need to be afraid.

If none of these whys seem to fit, then the behavior problems that you're witnessing could very well be part of a normal, developmental stage. Remember that children, by nature, want to become independent from us. They want to make their own choices, they want to have control over their own lives. This starts in those early toddler years, and continues until they leave our homes as young adults. In these instances, we need to stand back and appreciate our child's need to grow up. Let them make choices for themselves even if it's only-underwear-all-the-time, even if it's eating yogurt all day.

Really, when you come down to it - children are like us. They have one overreaching need: to be loved and understood. Dear parents, whatever the behavior problem, keep in mind the whys, take action to meet the needs if you can, but mostly - just shower your little one with love.

Important note:
I am not saying that we parents should not set limits on our childrens' behavior. Children do need rules and limits, absolutely. However, the point of this particular post is to get parents to recognize that many behavior problems stem from unmet needs, and that we can address those problems not by applying limits/repurcussions, but instead offering love and compassion.

Modern Family Star Julie Bowen Takes Tandem Nursing Public!

noreply@blogger.com (Momioso) — Tue, 18 May 2010 23:47:00 +0000

Last night, Modern Family actress Julie Bowen appeared on Lopez Tonight, and allowed Lopez to show a picture of her beautiful twin babies tandem nursing. It's rare enough in our culture to see any pictures of breastfeeding at all. But to see a photo of two babies nursing at once - perhaps unprecedented. I am always heartened when a celebrity - with their ability to reach and influence millions of people - makes a public statement in support of attachment parenting and natural family living. I love to imagine all the women (and their partners!) expecting twins that saw that tandem nursing was possible.

I also love to imagine all the men and women that were embarrassed, made uncomfortable, and even outraged to see such a public display of breastfeeding. Even if people experienced these negative emotions - they still were exposed to the image and idea of breastfeeding. The more that people are exposed to the idea, the more comfortable they will get with women breastfeeding in public. And that's the bottom line.

Whether you nurse discreetly under a cover - or are like me and are a brazen pull-down-the-neckline-of-whatever-shirt-you're-wearing kind of nurser - let all of us nursing mamas band together and nurse our babes proudly, whenever, wherever we are. We may not have the platform that Julie Bowen does, but we can (and do) reach many people each time we sit down to nurse.

In Praise of Husbands that Support Attachment Parenting/Natural Family Living

noreply@blogger.com (Momioso) — Sat, 15 May 2010 05:18:00 +0000

When I was pregnant with my first child, I knew I wanted an out-of-hospital birth. Yet money was tight, and our HMO insurance wouldn't cover a dime if we chose to birth outside a hospital. I felt defeated, trying to relegate myself to a hospital birth that I didn't really want. My husband Reese knew how I felt about the hospital. He knew - because he read with me books like Ina May Gaskin's Spiritual Midwifery - how amazing homebirth could be. And so, while I flailed a bit in pity, he made up his mind to make a birth center birth possible for us. He scoured the internet for birth centers. He found one that looked promising and made us an appointment. Together, we fell in love with the beautiful birth center and the warm and friendly midwife. And he told me, in no uncertain terms, that we would make it work financially. We paid some cash, we put the rest on a credit card, but by george, we did make it work. And thanks to Reese, we had amazing, loving prenatal care and a beautiful birth for our child.

Seven years later, and pregnant with baby # 3, Reese has done it again. Earlier this week, I told him how uneasy I was feeling about the OB backup situation and the group nature of the midwife practice I'd chosen. Seeing my sadness, he suggested we call Davi, the Los Angeles area midwife that delivered our second child. Although the idea of birthing with Davi again made tears of joy well in my eyes, I worried she wouldn't want to do it, and worried that the Bay Area to Los Angeles logistics would be crazy. Were it me alone, I would never have called. Yet Reese - man of action that he is - called Davi immediately. And within 24 hours, he had a conversation with her wherein she happily agreed to deliver our third and final baby. I am in heaven.

I have been blessed with a husband that researches, and supports all things AP/NFL. He deeply believes in home birth, he cherishes co-sleeping, he loves that I breastfeed our children, he rails against "cry it out." We're completely on the same page about the dangers of vaccines, he would never even think to circumcise should we have a boy, he believes in green living and he eats more healthily than I. Although none of these ideas and ideals were anywhere on our radar when we married nearly 11 years go, somehow, some way, we are perfectly aligned.

To my husband, I say to you - my gratitude for you is deep and without end.

To all husbands who stand with their wives to parent their children naturally and with love, compassion, and responsiveness, you are princes among men. I know your wives, and children, feel equally blessed by your love.