It was the dress rehearsal for “The Pirates of Penzance” at a local Christian school. A friend had asked me to pitch in on the stage makeup and I was backstage, gleefully smearing grease-paint handlebar mustaches and bloody-looking scars of eyeliner on junior highers. For most of the boys, it was their first day both for lipstick and facial hair.

Interestingly, though, it wasn’t until my very last victim, er, client, when one of them asked a question not pertaining to himself. I dotted sideburns on his chocolate-colored skin as he asked what my family did here in Uganda. I stepped back and grinned a little. How nice was this? Back to the sideburns, I continued a pleasant conversation that left me more respectful of this 14-year-old, who two of my kids later reported had asked their names and ages.

I tried not to be saddened by the fact that only one of the students who perched on my bar stool thought to ask about the person in front of him who had volunteered to help their play. I remembered, too, that a pleasant conversation wasn’t just about teaching my kids to respond, or simply to be the talkers in a conversation. All of us have interacted with children who have a startling capacity to turn any discussion to themselves, babbling on in minutia that while in some cases is developmentally appropriate, in many cases reflects a lack of concern for others and a hyperfocus on self.

It reinforced the need to continue to teach my kids to truly “see” people—of whatever size or station—around them. We all want our kids to have good social skills, and not just for popularity’s sake. It prepares our kids for careers, conflict, and virtually any situation where they’re not alone.

Being a good conversationalist is a way of demonstrating courtesy. Self-sacrifice. Love.

So for all of us, I’ve put together a list of ideas to help our children grow into having loving conversation. But this is just to get the ball rolling! Help me be a good conversationalist, and offer some ideas of your own, would you?

1. Coach your kids to ask good questions.

Before you encounter group settings—even quietly in your child’s ear mid-conversation—remind them to ask a question of the person in front of them. Give younger children two or three simple questions to remember: How has your day been? How is your family? What have you been up to lately? Remind them to listen and respond to the answers. With older kids, discuss questions that convey concern and interest.

2. Discourage distraction.

Distraction displays disinterest. If your kids have earbuds in, are checking their phone or their watch, or are looking around, people get the idea they’re just not that into the person in front of them. Remember that a conversation is an opportunity to care for someone. It’s not about being efficient or entertained.

3. Practice poise.

Poise proves invaluable in so many settings. This prepared, responsive, easy confidence provides an unseen currency that propels our children further into innumerable opportunities. I imagine a 12-year-old Jesus in the temple had some degree of poise to carry on deep discussion with elders in the temple for two days! Gently point out gestures that might unknowingly cripple interactions—fidgeting; holding an arm behind a back; flipping hair, avoiding eye contact; swaying back and forth; mumbling; overusing “like,” “stuff,” or other kid-jargon.

For younger children, teach them the basics of meeting someone, and make it fun—even with a small reward. Hold your head up, like there’s a string attaching it to the ceiling. Look the adult in the eye, and grip their hand like it’s a baseball you don’t want to drop. Then, say the four magic words, loud enough for the adult to hear: “Hi. How are you?” Most of the time, the adult will take it from there.

4. Practice, practice, practice.

Ask children to stay engaged in conversation when you have guests for dinner. When it’s just your family around the table, coach them encouragingly. Have a nightly discussion topic and practice disagreeing kindly, listening well, giving gracious responses, and sharing helpful self-disclosure.

5. Listen.

Part of a stimulating, loving conversation is knowing when to zip the lip! Help kids to maintain eye contact and even give small facial or verbal affirmations when someone is speaking. Teach children the connection between interrupting and selfishness—that interrupting displays our lack of value for the person in front of us. Teach questions that take a conversation further. What happened then? What was that like? Remind kids to pray silently for wise, loving words that build up.

6. Memorize verses like Ephesians 4:29 that offer incredible tracks for the engine of speech. More suggestions: Proverbs 11:25, 12:18, and 25:11.

7. Train their eyes.

Help your kids to “see” the people who serve them, and verbally appreciate them: the lady cleaning the bathrooms, the guy mopping the restaurant, the church staff.

8. Demonstrate grace.

Grace matters. A friend of mine told me that the focus of her household admonitions lately is simply grace. It’s not a bad idea to help our kids think constantly, “What does grace look like here?” If we can teach grace in speech, no matter what the circumstances, we’ve given kids a timeless key to countless doors.

Your turn. What do you do to help your kids develop loving conversation?

Further reading:
Poise—the Antidote to Dumb and Dumber

Father, give my child wisdom.

“For the Lord gives wisdom;
from his mouth come knowledge and understanding;”

Proverbs 2:6

My oldest child just turned five, which means he will be starting kindergarten in just a few short months.  After wondering where on earth the time has gone, my immediate reaction then becomes a little bit of panic regarding the school situation: Where should my child go to school?  

Should I homeschool him?  Should he go to the private church-based school where he has attended preschool for the last two years?  Should we send him to the public school district where both my husband I attended all 13 years and where I taught after graduating from college?

This decision, I’m convinced, is going to give me an ulcer.

Perhaps the decision seems so momentous because I know it will have a lasting impact on the life of my child, or maybe because there isn’t an absolute right and wrong. After all, the Bible doesn’t tell us explicitly “Thou shalt send your child to public school” or “Thou shalt homeschool.”  There are advantages and disadvantages to every option!  Although I certainly do not have all the answers (we haven’t even made our final decision yet), I want to share some thoughts and resources that are guiding us along the way.

1.  Pray about it.  Prayer is critical in a decision of this magnitude.  We must communicate with God daily for His direction for our family and where He wants each of our children to be educated.  We must plead with Him to let His path be clearly evident to us.  No matter how much research I do or how much wise counsel I seek, nothing takes the place of prayer.  Although I know His answer won’t be as obvious as being written in the clouds (which would be great), I can depend on Him to guide my heart … even if it is only the gentlest of whispers.

2.  Seek the counsel of faithful mentors and friends.  Find families that you admire and ask what has worked for them and what led them to make that decision for their child.  Recognize that what works for one family might not work for yours … but be open-minded and willing to listen.

3.  Explore the options.  Visit the schools you are considering and observe friends who homeschool their children.  Ask God prior to each visit to guide your heart in the path He has already chosen for your child.

4.  Do some research … but not too much.  You can literally drive yourself crazy with all of the material out there meant to sway you one way or another.  Each writer/author is passionate about the path that he/she has chosen for their family and will present compelling arguments that convince you to do the same.  If you’re anything like me, you’ll read one thing and convince yourself that’s what you should do and then read the opposite argument and then feel compelled to do that!  Throughout your research, ask God to guide your heart … not someone else.

Here are some resources we found to be very helpful as we tried to keep an open mind about all options:

Public School:

Going Public by David and Kelli Pritchard

This book approaches public schools as an opportunity to train our children to be lights in the world.  The authors make the argument that public schools can provide excellent opportunities for teaching our children how to handle situations the world might throw at us in God-honoring ways while they are still under our loving guidance and care.  I found this book to be a great parenting resource in general, whether you choose to send your child to public school or elsewhere.

Julia DesCarpentrie also shares similar thoughts in her essay “Public School Mission Field“.

Homeschooling:

In this article, Tricia Goyer shares the extensive benefits of homeschooling her children, such as discipling them, spending quality time with them, and protecting them from unhealthy influences.  Tricia also shares how God helped her cope with challenges and doubts throughout her journey as a homeschooling mother.

My friend Stacie also shares “5 Reasons she and her husband have chosen to homeschool their children.”

Educating the Wholehearted Child by Clay and Sally Clarkson

This book is a bit intimidating upon first glance because of its large size.  I found the first chapter to have the most influence on the reasons this family chose to homeschool and the remaining chapters were simply resources to help others in their homeschooling endeavor.

Private School:

The American Association of Christian Schools shares many of the benefits to a Christian education.

(And if you just want something lighthearted in the midst of all your decision making, check out Jon Acuff’s list of Public, Private and Homeschooling Stereotypes and have yourself a laugh.

Finally, we must recognize that what is right for our family is not necessarily right for everyone.  God has led each family as He sees fit … the important part is that we are reverently seeking His guidance for our family and asking for the courage and strength to do what He has asked of us.  We must give grace to our friends and neighbors who have chosen different paths under God’s direction.

*The resources shared in this post are solely for the benefit of the reader and are not officially endorsed or affiliated with MomLifeToday.com or Family Life.  

Father, I pray my child will have lifelong faith in you.

“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”

2 Timothy 4:7

Do you ever wonder how to raise a godly child in a culture of entitled privilege and uncensored technology? Uniquely pulling an insightful parenting plan from the book of Nehemiah, Susan Merrill’s strategic guide will give you the “building bricks” necessary for parenting effectively in today’s world. Dare to pray, prepare, and persevere!

Learn more about The Passionate Mom on Susan’s blog.