Mommy Lite - Mom and Dad Parenting Humor

You'll Eat What I F*CKING Give You!

2012-01-26T11:44:00.000-08:00

Just sharing a little poem I felt compelled to write... "You'll Eat What I F*cking Give You!" You'll eat what I f*cking give you! Is that simply too much to ask? Your helping of broccoli’s SO tiny And there’s almost no milk in your glass. You'll eat what I f*cking give you! Do you know that I don’t run a diner? I won’t make you something entirely new So you can stop being such a big whiner.

Thoughtful Thursday - For the Love of a Sloth

2012-01-26T10:35:00.000-08:00

I'm kind of in this whole Redesign/Reconceptualize/Redefine mode for MommyLITE lately. Which is good and bad. Good, because after two years of blogging, I feel like I'm beginning to understand what I want to do here. Bad, because every time I redesign my template I lose ALL of my analytics!!! ARGH! Anyway, I'm thinking Thursdays are a good day for what I'm calling "Thoughtful Thursdays." "

Shoe Stories: Episode #2: "Ottos"

2012-01-25T10:26:00.000-08:00

Welcome to week #2 of Shoe Stories - a vapid weekly on-line series honoring the great loves of our lives...our shoes. (Click here to read last week's introduction to the series and story #1). This week I give you "Ottos" (by a ridiculous [but adorable] anonymous friend who wouldn't let me use her name.) I named my shoes “Otto.” I call them Ottos because I was living in NYC during my 20’s “

Are Pink Legos Building Stereotypes?

2012-01-24T12:38:00.000-08:00

This morning, I again had the privilege of being on NPR's "Tell Me More with Michel Martin." The topic of conversation? Legos. Turns out Legos has made a line of toys marketed toward girls called "Lego Friends." It's pink, the "people" have pretty hair, and it revolves around more of girl-patterned role-playing. Kids can build a beauty shop, a Vet's office and other "girl-friendly"

Shoe Stories - A Shallow New On-Line Weekly Series

2012-01-18T10:54:00.000-08:00

I love shoes. Like, REALLY love shoes. Flats, boots, ballerinas, loafers, strappy sandles, sneakers, "f*ck me" pumps. I love 'em all. There's something about a pair of shoes that changes your whole mood. You're whole outlook. Let's face it, Cinderella's story would never have worked if she had a glass hat, or a glass handbag. She needed a pair of beautiful shoes in order for her

Would You Be Happy for Miss Wisconsin?

2012-01-15T22:52:00.000-08:00

I love Toddlers & Tiaras. And by "love it," I mean I can't look away. Or change the channel. There's something about seeing the embryonic stage of a future beauty queen that is fascinating. Watching three year olds do that weird Betty Boop kissy thing; get spray-tanned, and try to stop their "flappers" or "floppers" oh wait..."flippers" from falling out on stage. It's good stuff. But what I

My New Years Resolutions for 2012

2012-01-04T12:28:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning to see my Huffington Post editors approved of my 10 Tips for Being a Happy Mommy in 2012 despite the fact I encourage sex with strangers and laughing at other people's expense (Thank you HUFFPO for your good sense of humor). To see my 10 Tips just click here. Writing this article made me think about my resolutions for for 2012. I tend to shy away from resolutions because

Christmas Carols Written by Older Siblings...

2011-12-16T04:10:00.000-08:00

This post was inspired by Isabel who just started singing "Let it go, Let it go, Let it go..." to the tune of "Let it Snow" in response to her little sister getting mad about her doing something (I have no idea what - nor do I particularly care) to her. "Let it Go! Let it Go! Let it Goooooo!!!!..." Oh the weather outside is frightful not an ummbrellaaaaa in sight-ful I'll use yours and you

The Fine Art of Procrastination

2011-12-15T11:04:00.000-08:00

I should be writing. I've been sitting at my computer for 2 hours and I have lists and lists of things I really, really want to write about. Things I KNOW would be fascinating and exciting to read. PEARLS of entertainment I just KNOW I could bring to you...if only I actually wrote them. But no. Instead, I am sitting here with a friend of mine who is doing her Holiday Cards (btw she has an

Liebe Schab 1998 - 2011

2011-12-08T10:13:00.000-08:00

This post is in loving memory of Liebe Schab, my mom's most beloved companion. Liebe, you were loyal, sweet, eminenently forgiving, occassionally a little disgusting, and always incredibly adorable. We all loved you so very, very, very much. We will miss your visits, and we will miss seeing you at Grammy's house. You brought Isabel, Livi and Ben so much joy and happiness and we feel so

Kim Kardashian Reveals Lifelong Battle with Tartar!

2011-12-06T14:07:00.000-08:00

In world news today, reality TV star Kim Karadashian revealed she has tartar.* Word of the star’s condition was revealed yesterday when she tweeted “I need to floss” shortly after lunchtime. Sources close to Kim said they were stunned by the news. “I have tartar. My sister has tartar. But Kim? It’s just totally shocking!” The few insiders who have known about her condition spoke of

10 Reasons to Love LA During the Holidays

2011-11-29T12:54:00.000-08:00

I am a transplanted New Yorker. And like all transplanted New Yorkers, we love to kvetch about how LA doesn’t measure up to our gritty, crowded, bagel-laden homeland. Well, the holiday season is the perfect time for us and our "ilk" (i.e. Chicago natives, Ohio natives, the random Philadelphian…) to amp up our complaints; "There's no snow." "There aren't any seasons..." "your pizza sucks!

10 Things I am Thankful For This Year

2011-11-22T17:09:00.000-08:00

1) My family: Because they are a part of me, and I am a part of them, and they "Complete me"...blah, blah, blah. 2) My boyfriend: Because he makes me laugh every day and if I don't say it, he won't give me a backrub tonight) 3) The invention of wine: God bless the first person ever to take a swig of really old grape juice. 4) Tee Tree Oil: My only defense in my battle against that most horrific

The Girl's Got Game...

2011-11-17T07:35:00.000-08:00

I figured with the TODAY Show/TODAYMoms piece up about Livi and possibly quitting gymnastics, I'd share a couple videos of her at States this past weekend. Keep in mind, it's Level 3 (7 and 8 year olds), so it's not quite the Olympics - but I am kvelling (which, by the way, is also something else we Jews do in addition to kvetching. Wait, maybe there's a kvelling version of a cheer too... 2! 4

This Mama Didn't Raise No Quitter! Or Did I?...

2011-11-16T13:56:00.000-08:00

If you read MommyLITE regularly, you've heard me rave about Livi's gymnastics prowess. (Click here to read my "Confessions of a Bleacher Mom") About a month ago she told me she wanted to quit to be a cheerleader. A CHEERLEADER! Jews can't cheer! We kvetch, but we don't cheer. Unfortunately, competitive "kvetch-leading" never really took off (outside of my family at least): "2, 4, 6, 8! WHO

Haiku Tuesday

2011-11-15T10:29:00.000-08:00

I sit on my bed Surrounded. Too much to file. I think I will nap.

"Massage a Trois" and Other Things They Have in Heaven

2011-11-07T11:37:00.000-08:00

First off...let me just say that going on vacation without children should be law. Like maternity leave, our jobs should compensate us and cover the cost of child care while we escape, I mean "rejuvenate." Every time I go away without children, I forget how TOTALLY AWESOME it can be! Peace, quiet, adult conversation. No children fighting, no children arguing, no children screaming. The law

Illegal Activity...

2011-10-31T09:29:00.000-07:00

In honor of Halloween, I am re-posting my favorite Halloween post ever! (I'm SO wishing I could find this costume right now...) I illegally entered someone's home the other day. I didn't mean to. My intentions were honorable. I was just looking for cake. Security rolled by in a golfcart and eyeballed me as I ran out the front door of some woman's home dressed in a toga and clinging a

My Biggest "Mama Beef" Is...

2011-10-25T14:01:00.000-07:00

We're talking "Mom Beefs" on "Tell Me More" with Michel Martin on NPR this morning. Aren't you SOOOOOOOO curious to know who really pisses us off? You can click the link below to hear the the show. It'll make you want to rant...

An Open Letter to "Parker Brothers":

2011-10-24T11:52:00.000-07:00

To the makers of "Scattergories", I am hoping you can help me. I need a new timer for our game. I recently brought Scattergories on a "girl's weekend." Yes, a good time was had by all. However, I left the game in my car overnight. This morning, I ran errands and heard an ongoing "tick, tick, tick, tick, tick..." Unsure what it was or whether or not a bomb had been planted in my car by

Wiping the Habit...

2011-10-19T10:17:00.000-07:00

My family has a "Pack A Day" habit. No not cigarettes. Toilet paper. We go through it like...well I'd say tissue paper, but that seems a obvious. And redundant. I don't know how we do it...use so much toilet paper I mean. I don't believe that collectively we go to the bathroom anymore than normal people. I mean, Livi does drink a lot of juice... I think they're just using so MUCH of it

Lice Expert

2011-10-13T22:11:00.000-07:00

I think I have officially become an expert on lice...This must be my fourth article this year about the little buggers... Fun conversation though on TodayMoms...Do you tell people when your kid gets lice?

In Memory of Steve Jobs

2011-10-06T23:00:00.000-07:00

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life,” Jobs said. “Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is

Escape from LA!

2011-09-30T15:11:00.000-07:00

I am overworked, totally stressed out and hanging on by a thread. So are a few of my friends. So last week we spent the day at the Montage Hotel in Beverly Hills - SHHHHH don't tell our kids! (...and don't worry - I was lice-free!) We sipped morning mojitos, ate fresh fruit by the pool, and leisurely dips in the gorgeous jacuzzi. And we didn't have to even leave town. Just click here to

Mommy Lice

2011-09-21T10:12:00.000-07:00

Yup. Lice. We got em. In fact, we got 2 of them. (Well, if you add mine, we have 5 total). But that's not the point. We have lice and it TOTALLY SUCKS! It just figures that we would start a new school, I would instantly offend somebody and THEN we would get lice. When I walk into a new situation, I really make an impression. Yeah...I figure, why waste my time getting to know people -