Mommy's Weird

I Ate All The Chocolate Philly...

2013-05-17T08:55:00.000-06:00

Um.. when I was asked to review Chocolate Philly, I was stoked. Everyone knows how I love to eat.

So I went to the store and read the label and with Chocolate Philly, you get the dairy goodness of Philly plus the deliciousness of pure milk chocolate – with half the sugar and calories (per 1 tbsp. serving) of the other guys.

SCORE.

And, I hate to admit this, but as soon as I got home from the store, I didn't even put any of the groceries away, I just tore into the Chocolate Philly.

After the first bite, I made such an erotic sounding noise that I am sure the neighbours heard me. Pure delight. It's like an expensive dessert, but in a tub in your hand.

Seriously, I wanted to rub it all over my entire body and let the neighbourhood enjoy.

Did I just say that?

Sorry.

No, I'm not.

And then this happened....

Yes.

That is an almost empty container.

I just couldn't quit eating it.

Honestly, its super embarrassing.

At this point, I felt guilty and threw it on a wrap with banana slices. It was sooooo good. But, I do feel bad that ate the entire thing without sharing with my family. My plan is too wash the container as soon as possible, so no one in this house (Zed) will find out about what I did until recycling day on Saturday.

They are doing a fun little contesty gamey thingy on their Philly Facebook Page. It's a way of shaming your loved ones into making your breakfast in bed.

And you know there is nothing better than publicly shaming the ones you love. Sign me up.

Plus, while you are there, you my as well "like" their page, because in on May 21st, Chocolate Philly will roll out a coupon that can be downloaded from the Philly Facebook page.

Sorry, gotta run, I have a foil lid to lick.

Disclaimer: Yo Yo. It's sponsored post time! Girl, I got bills to pay. I was compensated for this post. The above comments on covering myself in Philly Chocolate are my own. Sorry for the visual. Extra sorry if you are my neighbours.

Super Duper Impressed....

2013-05-15T11:02:00.000-06:00

If you have been looking for me I have been doing some writing all over the place!

I talk about my regrets over at BLUNTmom's.

I talk about leaving my comfort zone over at Blissdom Canada 2013.

And I was published at the Yummy Mummy Club with my blog post, B-A-D Words.

Plus, I shaved my legs.

I know.

Now, you are super duper impressed.

Beep, Beep, Beep...

2013-05-06T14:06:00.001-06:00

I'm not sure if I tell you enough about Baby Bot, so here goes...

He is the sweetest, kindest and most loving little boy on the planet. I just cannot get enough of him.

Until a few days ago.

We were at our local library for Story Time. And my sweetest, kindest and most loving little boy on the planet did not want to sit with the other kids because he is a little bit shy and likes to cuddle with his, "Momma".

During one of the songs, I set him down in hope that he might want to dance along with the other children. He quickly turned around and buried his head in my lap.

Awww.... shy little love.

He then proceeded to lift up my shirt to "see belly button".

"No thank you," I said. "Mommy doesn't like that."

Then he reached up his little two year old hands and started pushing my breasts and saying, "Beep, Beep, Beep", as if my breasts were horns.

Horns.

I'll tell you who has horns.

You do, Baby Bot.

You might just be turning into the devil.

Walmart Frugal Heroes

2013-05-03T10:27:00.001-06:00

I love a good deal.

Who doesn't?

I'm pretty sure even George Clooney is stoked when he gets something half price. Gosh knows that Lindsay Lohan is.

Any who...

Nothing makes me "high as a kite" than a $4 off diaper coupon. But, I usually forget to use them before the expiry date. Which is a huge buzz kill.

I don't even want to show you the date on the tub of sour cream in our fridge.

Shiver.

That is why when I was chosen to be part of Walmart Frugal Heroes Challenge. I knew it was something I could handle and complete before the day was done.

Walmart gave me a list of challenges that I could complete or create my own. I really wanted to do a room make over for my Baby Bot's room, but the stress of actually having to take down his crib, put him in a big boy bed and paint was giving me an anxiety attack and also making me want to have another baby, so I dumped that idea right there in Walmart.

I decided that I would use my $100 to get myself ready to hit the beach this summer. But once I got shopping I realized that I could get myself ready to hit the beach for under $50. I still had an extra $50! So, I changed my mind again and decided to get the ENTIRE family ready to hit the beach this summer!

Slip on beach shoes for a family of four for $23!

Swim suits and hats for the kids for $15!

Trunks for Zed and a swim suit and cover up for me for $48!

Yes, I was surprised that I could get that much for under $100. And want to know the best part? I bought Zed the wrong sized sandals and was able to return them lickity split. Next time, I am going to re do Baby Bot's room and try not to have an anxiety attack in the bedding aisle at my local Walmart.

Disclaimer: Walmart provided me with a $100 gift card as compensation for this post. The above comments on George Clooney, Lindsay Lohan, and anxiety attacks are my own.

My First Blog And Boob Video....

2013-05-02T14:16:00.000-06:00

So I am supposed to be out shopping for Walmart Frugal Heroes, but I wanted to give Vlogging a try instead. I know for some of you this is the first time you have ever seen my chubby little face.

But, you also end up getting a really cheap look at my breasts.

Seriously. Can nothing ever go my way?!

Inhale.

Exhale.

It's only 2 minutes long so its not a huge commitment for you.

Here goes.....

Movie Review: Koala Kid....

2013-05-01T09:18:00.000-06:00

My kids love kids t.v. Like, love, love, love, love, love kids t.v. If I let them, they would watch kids t.v all day. Seriously. They just cannot get enough of it.

I think its in their genes. Seriously. When I was waiting for Whirlwind to arrive on my mat leave, all I pretty much did was watch Gilmore Girls.

I love that t.v show. Like, love, love, love, love, love that show. If I could, I would watch that television show all day. Seriously. I just cannot get enough of it.

Whoa.

Freaky.

Any who....

Even though my kids love watching kid t.v shows, movie watching is pretty much a disaster at our home.

Does this happen to anyone else?

My kids don't have the attention span for it. They usually do really well until something scary happens and in this case there is scary crocodile named Bog.

Don't get me wrong, they were scared, I wasn't. I can handle a cartoon crocodile. And really, he wasn't scary.

At all.

But, my daughter can be a tad dramatic I think she pulls that routine for the cuddle. And I happily accept "the cheap cuddle".

So this is what the Big Kahuna's want me to tell you about the movie....

Koala Kid

Journey down under and meet a whole new breed of hero in this laugh-filled, action-packed animated adventure with an all-star voice cast, including Rob Schneider, Tim Curry and Alan Cumming. Johnny (Schneider) is a rare white koala bear who just wants to fit in and make friends. But when a twist of fate mistakenly transforms him into a fearless protector of animals, called “Koala Kid,” Johnny finds himself in over his head on a thrilling trek across the outback. With help from his hilarious new sidekicks, including a crafty Tasmanian devil, a lovable lizard and a boomerang-flinging female koala, Johnny may just outwit a villainous crocodile named Bog (Cumming) and become a true hero after all.

And if you want to get it and I think you should, it came out yesterday and don't run all over town looking for it just go to Walmart because that is where its exclusively available.

Disclaimer: I received only copy of "Koala Kid" for the purpose of this review. No cash'ola The above opinions are my own.

Why Are You Mad At Me, Mommy?

2013-04-26T12:00:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I am quiet.

I know, I know.

That shocks you.

But, it's true. I am a very complicated beast.

Recently, I had a busy day with the kids, we had a ton of different drop off's and pick up's. And you know you can't leave your kids in the car. Which is super annoying. Seriously, I am just running into the bank, I am sure they will be fine buckled up and in my locked van for 3 damn minutes.

Whatever.

I would totally move to a small town for this reason alone.

Any who....

It was a bit of chaotic day of loading kids in and out of the vehicle about three thousand times.

As I was buckling in Whirlwind after the after the last drop off she asked me, "Why are you mad at me Mommy?"

And I looked at her and answered, "I am not mad at you, honey."

"Why aren't you talking to me?" She asked.

And it broke my heart.

Personally, there is nothing that ticks me off more than the silent treatment. It takes me back to my own childhood.

The thing is, I wasn't giving her the silent treatment. I just wasn't talking. I guess she isn't used to that. And she doesn't understand the difference. But it scared me, in a way that I haven't been scared before in my journey as a parent.

Children are fragile.

Children are independent thinkers.

The little wheels are always turning in their little brains.

How do you turn that off?

Good Girls Wear Thongs....

2013-04-24T09:17:00.000-06:00

Howdy.

Did you like the word "Howdy"? I'm trying it out for a while, just to see if it sticks.

Today my guest poster is Kelly of Good Girls Wear Thongs Kelly is the type of writer that makes you want to be better. Not only does her blog have a fantastic name but she also likes to write about "toots" too. Though Kelly says fart, don't judge.

Meet Kelly...

I don’t like farts. I know it’s natural. I know they can be funny. I know. I know. I know, all right? I still hate them. Loathe them. And I’m not a princess. I can take a burp with the best of them but farting absolutely disgusts me. So, it would only stand to reason I would choose to marry someone who can wake me from a dead sleep with his casual flatulence. You think I’m lying? He has been known to wake up and startle the dog. Picture a sleeping dog at the end of the bed, then BOOM she’s up on her feet in attack mode. This has happened more than once. It’s like sleeping in a war zone. You never know when you’re gonna be hit.

When I first starting dating Homer, I was shocked at the ease at which anyone in his family passed gas through any orifice. I swore I would teach my kids better manners. The Girl was easy, but it’s hard to police The Boy when his father has no issue with it. Even when I threaten Homer with sexual abstinence, he doesn’t get it...literally. He thinks he should be able to fart and then turn around and have me aroused, because we’re so in love. Really? In real life people need to be turned on to be aroused and I can’t be turned on when a man farts. In my mind Brad Pitt, Ryan Reynolds and George Clooney don`t fart. You never hear a man fart in a movie, soap opera or even a porn. It just doesn’t happen and that’s how I want my world to be...free of flatulence.

Homer is a very handsome man, until he lets one go then expects me to be romantic. He doesn’t get that any intentions I had for sex vanished in his pungent air. The worst part is I think it`s all my fault. When we were dating I tried to be a good down home country girl who “gets” it, who isn’t a priss, who can slug a beer, eat a steak and belch the alphabet.

Sexy, I know.

If there is one thing I can pass on to my son about relationships it’s that women might pretend to be okay with the fun of a fart but really we prefer it if they held it in until their bowels exploded. Farting can be the vapour between victory and defeat.

One time I was on a date with a pretty nice guy. We went to a movie and later were sitting on a porch swing together just like Anne of Green Gables or something.

Then he farted. Loudly. And it was over. I mean he seemed mortified and everything but it couldn’t have been undone. I thought maybe he would try to pretend it didn’t happen or at least try to blame it on something else...the swing, the dog...Anything but own up to it. But he didn’t. He took off like a shot. I mean ran away as fast as he could, like Forest Gump, leaving me there to smell his ass.

I don’t even remember if he ever came back. I remember nothing past the fart, that’s how much his rip affected my psyche. I just blocked him out. He ultimately cock blocked himself.

So now that you know all this about me, imagine how horrified I am to have developed this issue with holding in my gas. One day it just started happening. I can’t control my toots. How does this just start happening? Are there kegals we can do for our ass? It happens without warning and always, it seems when I’m walking. No warning. And just because karma IS a bitch, they don’t sound like normal toots. To be as specific as possible, it sounds like I’m giving birth to ducks.

Quack.

No lie. The only way to stop it is to completely stop, cross my legs and squat.
The Boy and Homer find this hysterical, as you can imagine.

The other night after dinner I was on my way by them as they were watching something sports related and it happened.

Quack. I stopped and tried to get a hold of myself. No one seemed too noticed so I continued.
Quack. Quack.

The Boy, “Mom, was that you?”

I casually look around, with my legs crossed and distorted, like I don’t know what he’s talking about. It’s all in the way you play it. Deny. Deny. Deny. Then I hauled ass past them as fast as I could go.

Quack Quack Quack Quaaaackkk.

Homer (all casual and vertical with his hands behind his head), “I heard a duck.”

The Boy erupts in laughter.

I try to get up the stairs but the faster I go, the more ducks are born.

“Mom, women don’t fart like that,” The Boy said.

“No,” I hear Homer say, “How do they fart?”

“They go pffft.”

Cue eruption of laughter. I even had to crack a smile. I admit it’s funny and just another example of my ironic life. Here is the woman who tried to banish farting, not only passing gas uncontrollably but sounding like a duck factory. Life loves to make a fool of you.

I really feel sorry for the dog now. Not only is she on edge when she’s sleeping but she’s constantly on the hunt for an invisible duck. Life is cruel.

Kelly Medd lives in Oakville, ON with her two children and her ever supportive husband “Homer.” She is a recovering self-help junkie who relapses on a regular basis. Schooled in the ways of sarcasm she has dedicated her life to “pulling the plug on popular misconception” by outing herself in some very awkward and sometimes embarrassing ways via her blog www.goodgirlswearthongs.com She is an unpublished author (sigh) who desperately needs a new hair style and has a list of useless talents that do not include writing a bio on herself. She can also be followed (or stalked) on Twitter @ggrlswearthongs.

My Molson Coors Birthday Party....

2013-04-21T09:00:00.000-06:00

As of late, I have been finding it practically impossible to see my friends. Everyone is so busy. Girl Guides. Soccer. Field Trips. Band. Work. Holidays. Family Emergencies. You name it.

But, when I told a few of my friends that I was going to have a Birthday Party with lots of Molson Products, they all seemed to find a reason to attend. Plus, I gave most people 2 days party notice, sometimes last minute is the best way into a busy gals life.

Or my friends are just jerks.

You pick.

I really wanted to try Molson Wheat , but it was sold out. So instead I stuck to my favourite's Coors Light, Molson Canadian and Molson Canadian 67. I drank Molson Canadian 67 for most of the night because, well let's be honest, I weigh 200 lbs and I have to MC an event in a few days and I'm borrowing a dress from a friend and I don't want to split it!

My plan was to do a beer and cheese tasting for all my friends. But, as most of my friends know, that when it comes to beer, I would just rather sit back and drink with my friends and have a few laughs.

Okay, I am going to cut the bull crap. My kids were sooooo sick on the weekend. Fevers, runny noses, coughs and very tired. I just sort of whipped together what I could at the last minute, which was nachos and salsa, crackers and hummus, cheezies, a veggie tray, and cheese ball and later because my friends were apparently starving, I found some frozen and thankfully not freezer burnt samosa's and spanokapita's in the freezer.

Meh.

I do what I can.

I even converted a few non beer drinkers during the night and made a few beer cocktails. I love mixing beer and pink lemonade. I know, it sounds crazy, and my friends were looking at me like I was out of my mind, but it is super tasty and they were totally digging it. And its so easy, fill a glass with half a Molson 67 and half Pink Lemonade and add some berries to it so you look super duper classy like moi.

See.

I even spoke french.

Next time I get my gals together, I am going to be MUCH more prepared and try this;

It's a Skinny Peach Sangria. It's pretty a bottle of beer, half a cup of peach puree, 1 cup of Ocean Spray White Cranberry juice and toss in some lemon juice to taste. You mix it all in a pitcher and pour over peaches, lemons and blueberries.

Delizioso.

That was Italian for those that don't know how super duper classy I am.

Thanks to Molson Coors Canada for providing the refreshments and thanks to my friends for loving me just the way I am.

Disclaimer: I was compensated and got some stuff from Molson Coors for my Birthday Party. The above opinions are my own.

Book Review: Heather McDonald's "My Inappropriate Life"...

2013-04-18T09:00:00.000-06:00

If you follow me on twitter you know that I think when celebrities tweet they are actually talking directly to me and only me.

It's a sad little chain of events.

When a celebrity does tweet me back, I not only pat myself on the back, but I also brag about it constantly by retweeting it about 4 thousand times.

But, I like to think that comedian Heather McDonald and I share a little something.

Okay, I know this is going to be terribly difficult to read. As my friend Mommy #3 says, "Twitter gives me a headache."

But, I just had to post this so it looks like I actually have a friendship with Heather and that she wears the "Best Friend Forever Necklace" I sent her.

HeatherMcDonald HEATHER McDONALD

@Mommyisweird I'm following you girl

Mar 30, 11:06 AM via Twitter for iPhone

In reply to…

Mommyisweird Kyla Cornish

Ha ha, Girls got to feed her family! RT @HeatherMcDonald @Mommyisweird me too

Mar 30, 11:03 AM via web

HEATHER McDONALD @HeatherMcDonald

love it “@mommyisweird: @heathermcdonald This post is all about you, girl! Well, not all, but some. mommysweird.com/2012/04/girl-c…”

9:40 AM Apr 21st, 2012

And in all honesty and not to sound like a complete creeper, I like Heather. She is pretty cool. And I adore her on Chelsea Lately and After Lately. When her second book came out, I sort of badgered her a few times for a copy to review. And like the absolute doll she is, she not only sent me a signed copy, but she actually addressed the envelope herself. I think it cost The E Network about $15 to ship.

I read her last book, "You'll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again" and did a review. And I liked that book a ton. But, "My Inappropriate Life", is just a whole lot better. I think its because I couldn't relate to her first book. But, I really can in this one. Maybe its because Heather uses such self deprecating humour that you want to hug her and cover your eyes in embarrassment.

Her stories about snotty Mom's at her kids Catholic School are da bomb. Yes, I just said da bomb. But, excuse me, I am feeling very young and hip at the moment.

There is a fantastic story about an over the hill Play Boy Bunny who like to use old men to be her "Daddy" and a hilarious story of Heather thinking her son may be transgender.

Go read the book and then go stalk celebrities on twitter.

It's da bomb.

Glamour Shots....

2013-04-15T09:53:00.002-06:00

Some of my friends got together and took "Glamour" shots for their husbands for Christmas.

I was horrified.

Not horrified for them.

Power to them. I have some very good looking and confident friends.

I was horrified that they thought I would be interested.

Do my friends not know me at all?

Do they actually think I am the type of person who would be interested in wearing a push up bra, high heels and fishnets? Oh, I know I talk like a trucker and write sexual escapades like a call girl. Plus, I have a very inflated sense of self. But, dressing up for a photo shoot?

No.

Not my thing.

Never has been. Never will be.

But, mainly, I didn't do it because of my husband.

Let's pretend to be Zed for a moment....

Seriously.

Be patient with me, I am trying to paint a scene here. Use your imagination.

It's Christmas morning.

The kids have finished opening their gifts, the house is a mess and you are into your third cup of coffee and Bailey's. Your wife just put a movie on for the kids so the two of you can have some quiet time to open your gifts to each other.

You glance under the tree and notice that there is only one gift left. And its for you!

What could it be?

You already got socks, underwear and the "Neil Young" Biography. What more does a man need?

Then your wife hands you a present. Its about the size of an iPad.

Your mind starts going a mile a minute. You smile at your wife. You try to act calm but in your head you are screaming, "OH MY GOD, SHE GOT ME AN IPAD. SHE ACTUALLY LISTENS TO WHAT I SAY. YES YES YES YES YES. I CANNOT WAIT TO CALL EVERYONE I KNOW. FINALLY I HAVE AN IPAD! I AM LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME! YES YES YES YES YEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!"

Calmly, you open your ipad, er, present.

Wait a minute. This is a picture of my wife?

Why is she....?

Why is her hair....?

Why is she pouting ...?

What is she wearing.....?

WHERE THE HELL IS MY IPAD!

Book Reviews: Gillian Flynn and Ernest Cline...

2013-04-11T10:00:00.000-06:00

I have been pretty lax with my movie and book reviews lately.

Want to know why?

Well, I have become a bit of a stat monger. And I have noticed that the posts about my huge boobs, vulva less models and my daughter swallowing a cigarette butt are much more popular than me chatting about a movie I just watched or a book I just finished.

None the less, I have read a couple of really good books and I think you should read them too.

Gillian Flynn's "Gone Girl" had me from the get go. I was completely invested in all of the characters. Nick is such an unlike-able person that I love him to pieces. I want to go to his bar. I want to get drunk with him. I want to cuddle him for hours. And his wife Amy. Well, at times we would be best friends and at times I would have her admitted to the closest psych ward.

Not only did the book have me from the get go, but I am now forever a Gillian Flynn fan. Girl, whatever you got, I am going to read. Send me a journal from you pained highschool years, I will read it.

"Ready Player One" by Ernest Cline blew my damn mind. This is the coolest of coolest books. It's the year 2044 and the world is a damn mess. It's totally fallen apart and this man James Halliday, who in my head looked like Steve Jobs, has created an ulterior world on line called Oasis. The thing is Halliday has died and he has left like a billion dollar prize for the winner of a contest in Oasis. Wade is the main character, he is this poor orphaned kid who has low self esteem but is pretty wicked on line in the Oasis.

What will make you love the book is that it is filled with 1980's references. And that is the catch to winning the big prize. The characters have to act out the entire movie War Games or master old school arcade games. It' s just a super witty book and I didn't want it to end.

And I really want you to download both of them onto your Kobo, read them and I am dying to talk to someone about them.

So do that.

Pretty please?

And follow me on twitter @mommyisweird

Potty Training a Non Potty Training Trainee...

2013-04-08T09:55:00.000-06:00

Baby Bot has no interest in being Potty Trained.

Yes, I wrote Potty Trained in capitals because I believe it deserves the same sort of respect that Jesus does.

This will be an almighty feat in our home. I am aware that Baby Bot is only 2 and a half. I am also aware that boys usually are a little behind girls in this department. But, Baby Bot, totally gets what's going on.

The other day, I watched him making a "boom boom" in the living room. He looks me right in the eye when he does it, which always makes me a little bit uncomfortable, and announces "boom boooom" and when I suggest we run to the Potty, he looks at me like I am a complete idiot and says..

"NO USE POTTY! BOOM BOOM IN MY PANTS!"

Okay.

Fine then.

So after her goes "boom boom", I sort of forget he has gone and I invite him over to read a book with me. Again he looks at me like I am a complete idiot and says,...

"NO SIT DOWN... I BOOM BOOM IN MY PANTS"

So instead of sitting on his 'boom boom", he lies on the floor, rolls over on his tummy and says in his sweetest little voice, "Read here, Momma."

Book Review: Caitlin Moran "How To Be A Woman"....

2013-04-05T09:00:00.000-06:00

I cannot get enough of Funny Females lately. I am absolutely hooked. It's pretty much all I want to read and I am pretty sure its driving my Book Club cray-cray.

There was Mindy Kaling's book. Which is awesome and a must buy.

And Heather McDonald and Sarah Colonna from Chelsea Lately.

I also really liked Tina Fey's Bossy Pants.

I just finished this one by Caitlin Moran called How To Be A Woman

I had never heard of Caitlin Moran before. But, apparently she is a pretty big deal across the pond. And when I read the back cover and saw that The Bloggess endorsed her, I was sold. It's full of her own personal experiences on being a girl.

Funny and explicit details about masturbation, pubic hair, siblings, boyfriends and abortion.

I'd like to add that I am not for abortion.

Nor, am I against abortion.

The essay/chapter on her own abortion is near the end of the book. And it surprises you, because you are not expecting it. Maybe you don't want to know about that chapter because the rest of the book is pretty hilarious But, for that chapter alone, I am glad I read the book. It is heartbreaking and insightful and one of the most powerful things I have ever read. I suggest you buy/download the book.

Softsoap Giveaway....

2013-04-02T14:37:00.000-06:00

So, this showed up at my door the other day.

Too small to be a male stripper and too big to be a pair of swarvoski earrings. It better be big box of potato chips.

It wasn't.

It was a whole ton of Softsoap Body Wash Fragrance and Body Butter.

Seriously, are the people at Softsoap reading my blog? Do they know what a stinky little piggy Motherhood has made me? I have talked about this about a thousand times.

In my defense, now that Whirlwind is five and Baby Bot is two, my personal hygiene is getting a whole lot better. Because I have discovered that I can park those two little monkeys in front of the t.v and I can shower, shave, brush, tweeze and moisturize all within thirty minutes of my children watching "Calliou" whine.

I started reading the information about SoftSoap. And it said, "Have you heard?
Softsoap* skin is in™! Its irresistible fragrances and ultra-rich formulas will transform your shower into an indulgent experience. So go ahead, give your skin the moisture it deserves!"

So obviously, I got naked.

Then Whirlwind wanted in on the action. So, I let her go wild!

And as any professional blogger would do, I grabbed my camera and tried to set up a photo. I got this first shot right before Whirlwind slipped and fell on her nose. I believe in this next photo she was crying and saying, "I thought this was supposed to be fun!"

Sorry kid.

At least we smelled really good.

GIVEAWAY TIME!

I have $50 gift pack of Softsoap to give away to one of you! WHOOP WHOOOP! Just make a comment below and and you will be entered to win. I will make the draw on April 9th!

Sorry this is for Canadian Residents Only.

And if you don't win. Have no fear I have some coupons for you here!
A whole whack of coupons!

Disclaimer: This is a sponsored post. I was compensated and got some stuff and you are going to get some stuff too. The above opinions are my own.

I Shouldn't Have Married My Husband...

2013-04-01T10:00:00.000-06:00

I've been busy over at BLUNTmoms. My most recent post called, I Shouldn't Have Married My Husband.

Doesn't that sound awful?

Trust me. It's worth the read.

Before I run, not literally like around a block or something, I just mean run to the fridge, I have had some people say nice things about me. Thanks to Kim at Two Bugs and a Blog, for naming me one to the Top 5 Bloggers she loves.

People are so nice.

I should be nicer.

Or at least return their phone calls.

Or write thank you cards.

Or return their casserole dishes.

Not Pretty....

2013-03-29T21:14:00.001-06:00

You know how I feel about the park. I have a love hate relationship with that place. But it truly is a wonderful way to spend a Sunday Morning.

Zed quickly put the kids in the van, as I grabbed the snacks and put on my coat. When I walked outside Whirlwind looked at me and asked, "What are you wearing under your coat?"

"Just a sweatshirt. " I answered.

"Let me see it."

I undid my coat and showed her my Team Canada Olympic Sweater from a few years ago.

`"Oh." She said, "Not pretty."

Wow.

I sort of started to giggle and then wondered if this could be a teaching moment.

"Whirlwind, what's pretty?"

"When you do your eyes and put on lipstick."

Hmmm... these are not the sort of messages I want to send my daughter. At the same time, I want to put on make up and look pretty. And I do look pretty when I am wearing make up. But, I want her to feel pretty all the time.

But, when it really comes down to it, I just want her to be good at math.

Stupid Disney Princesses...

2013-03-27T12:55:00.000-06:00

Suppers at our home can be pretty hectic. The kids are climbing, running, choking, throwing and spilling.

But there are a lot of very special moments, too. Lately, 2 year old Baby Bot has jumped into our new family tradition of asking everyone, "What was the best part of your day?"

Though if you don't speak Baby Bot, it sounds a lot like, "Whadabeparyoudaydada?"

After we all answer, it ends up being a free for all conversation at our table. And I love it.

Until the other night.

Here is what happened....

Whirlwind: Mommy what would happen if you weren't wearing your seat belt and got in a car accident?

Me: Well, its very important to wear your seatbelt because if you were in an accident you could end up in the hospital or even worse, die. And you wouldn't have a Mommy anymore.

Whirlwind: That's okay because then I could get a Step Mom.

Wow. Another reason to hate those Stupid Disney Princesses.

Yo Yo. If you want to follow me on Facebook you can here.
And I am also sharing the craziness on twitter, you can follow here.

Toot vs. Fart...

2013-03-24T09:30:00.000-06:00

We say "toot" at our house, not "fart".

I know, I know. I am going all June Cleaver over here.

When Whirlwind says "fart", I always look at her puzzled and tell her that I have never heard that word before.

The word "fart" bugs me. Especially when children say it.

And it bugs Whirlwind that I don't know what it is, because usually she gets angry and yells, "FART MEANS TOOT!"

The entire conversation is a bit silly, which is another word we use around here. We use silly instead of stupid.

Which is really stupid.

Here is why...

I left the kids in the van while I ran in to drop something off at my parents. In the three minutes I was gone, Whirlwind had taught 2 year old Baby Bot some new words.

When I opened the van door he looked at me with his giant baby blue eyes and gorgeous smile and greeted me with, "Stupid Mommy."

I was shocked.

And clearly unimpressed.

I told them that was not a nice word. And that instead he could use the word silly.

So, now he calls me "Silly Mommy".

And it really ticks me off. Because I know he doesn't mean it, deep down I know he really wants to call me stupid.

Tales of A Ranting Ginger: Mommy's Weird Genius Cookies...

2013-03-22T07:00:00.000-06:00

Damn, I am all over the place these days.

And not emotionally.

Well, at least not for a few more days.

Then watch the heck out. If its sweet its not safe in my house. I have been known to eat a plain packet of splenda. I am still waiting for my third arm to grow spontaneously from my forehead.

If you want to find me today I am beyond honoured to write for the amazing Tales of A Ranting Ginger and I posted a recipe. I know. Crazy. But, I did that once before. Remember? And I still get teased about it.

Jerks.

As usual, when I post anything to do with anything, I somehow make it about myself. And this time is no different. I hope you enjoy the back story of my childhood behind Mommy's Weird Genius Cookies.

The Girl Next Door Drinks and Swears...

2013-03-19T15:44:00.001-06:00

I wish I was one of those people who says they live their life with no regrets. I'm not. And you will never hear me say something that stupid. My life is a story full of regrets. I regret stealing a bra from Woolco. I regret pushing my friend H into the bushes. I regret wearing these pants today, damn the waist is tight. And I regret not naming my blog, "The Girl Next Door Drinks and Swears"

I feel so lucky to be in the blogging company of Meredith and I am glad that on January 23rd of 2013, we sealed our online friendship with a very weird series of emails. Yes, I have kept them all. I am going to make her a a really creepy home made decoupage with them.

You know how I like to pick favourites right? Well forget everything I have ever told you before and read one of the funniest Guest Post's ever written at Mommy's Weird.

You Can Do Better Than That, Vicki.

I was sitting in the salon getting my hair done by a nauseatingly adorable, perky, impeccably dressed, perfectly groomed 20 year old, feeling especially decrepit when she asked, "So, do you like Victoria's Secret? I got some good deals there this weekend."

I refrained from bursting into tears and instead replied, "Well, I'm not really a big fan. I mean some of their t-shirts are cute." Yep. I referenced t-shirts. When discussing Victoria's Secret. I'm officially pathetic.

She was taken a bit off-guard by my answer, but I left it at that and chose not to elaborate. I didn't want to scare the shit out of her, as she probably doesn't spend a whole lot of timehanging out with 30-something moms that require elaborate contraptions of metal, elastic and other industrial strength materials to hold up what's left of the milk makers that were once a positive attribute of their pre-motherhood bodies. At least they were for me. Were. Past tense.

Sure, there was a day that I owned cute little bras and panties that were all matchy matchy and didn't look like they had been hijacked by a gun range and used for target practice. These days I'm doing good to wear both items at the same time - to hell with matching - and if I figure out which of the holes riddling each piece are actually meant for legs and arms I'm having a real good day.

I was well endowed. Still am, but now instead of being perky and round, my breasts are more of the droopy and long variety. Cylindrical, if you will. Vicki's frocks just aren't designed to support this shape appendage. And I hate them for it.

Just because I've carried and birthed children, and had the life literally sucked from my boobs does NOT mean that I wouldn't like them to be sheathed in something pretty on occasion. Is a little bit of coverage too much to ask, Vicki? When I bend over to pick up one of the 27 pair of unmatched socks scattered throughout my house, it's not helpful when my boob flops over the edge of the barely-there so called full-coverage bra you have so inconsiderately designed and charged me $60 for the privilege of wearing. One more thing to pick up off the floor, ya know?

And don't even get me started on their underwear selection. First of all, I'd like to know exactly what demographic they are using to determine their size chart. Because it sure as hell isn't women between the age of 30-40 who have birthed children and eaten leftover chicken nuggets and goldfish crackers for lunch the past 12 years.

I'm generally a "medium" across the board. Average. Until I get to VS. In which case, if I'd like to fit both ass cheeks into a single pair of undies and not feel like the circulation to my lower extremities is being compromised, I must purchase size G. As in "gargantuan". WTF? Might a suggest a more forgiving brand of elastic that doesn't smoosh out all my fat womanly curves?

I realize not ALL mothers are plagued with the typical post-baby body and some bounce right back to their cute pre-preggo figure. Maybe it was good genetics, or you put in a lot of hard work at the gym, or you had a little surgery. Or perhaps it was a combination of all three. However you did it, congratulations and loud applause. Balloons and confetti.

I wasn't quite so fortunate, and from the conversations I've had with many a mother, I'm not in the minority here. I'd like to offer a suggestion to the designers and advertising gurus over at Vicki's. You could come up with a line of merchandise targeted at mothers desperate to find a piece of attractive lingerie that actually lifted (PLEASE!) and contained the body parts for which the were intended. I know it's a tall order, but you somehow led grown women to believe it was a good idea to walk around with the word "PINK" scrawled across their asses. You can do this.

Meredith of “The Girl Next Door Drinks and Swears” met her future husband at the ripe ol’ age of 9. She has learned that life is best enjoyed with a sense of humor and heaping sides of sarcasm and smartassery. A current resident of the Golden State, she proudly declares her roots come from the Great State of Texas. She enjoys writing about her kids, the arguments she has with her husband, and the shenanigans she gets herself into on a regular basis.

BLUNTmoms: Working From Home...

2013-03-18T09:00:00.000-06:00

Hey, what's up!

Just so you know, I am writing over at BLUNTmoms today. It's a post about working from home as I have just started working from home and it is as tricky as making risotto.

Not like I have ever made risotto before. But, all those chefs on Hell's Kitchen have a hell of a time doing it, so imagine its a very difficult thing to do.

Hell, even spelling risotto is a hard thing to do.

Triple Threat: Life with 3 Boys...

2013-03-15T13:39:00.001-06:00

This is Julie of Triple Threat: Life with 3 boys. Julie has been an amazing supporter of Mommy's Weird and always takes the time to comment. Thanks girl! Give her a big warm Mommy's Weird welcome to her first GUEST POST!

Well hellooooo there! I’m SO excited to be guest-posting for Kyla today! I still can’t believe she asked me…and I’m still not sure she knew what she was doing but hey, here I am!

Oh, you might want to know who I am right? I’m Julie. I rant and rave over at Triple Threat: Life with 3 Boys. If you guessed I have 3 little men, you’ve won a free, um, chance to click that link! Yeah Baby YEAH! So, back to bidness. Dramasaur is 8, and, as his name implies, prone to drama. Stanky is recently 6, and as gassy as they come. PigPen is 3, and filth just seems to jump on him no matter what he is doing. Grumpasaur is the man in my life. He plays all gruff and tough, but he’s a great dad, and I couldn’t ask for a better partner in crime.

You know, when I found out Dramasaur was a boy, I envisioned lots of schmoopy things: mommy-son dates, lots of blue (my favorite color), playing outside in the dirt, and lots of quality hugging. Nothing could have prepared me for the things I’d see and hear having 3 boys and I never could have night-terror-imagined the things I’d be saying. So, without further ado, my 10 Things I Was NEVER Prepared to Say Out Loud. To Anyone.

1. Pee one at a time! I don’t care if he does open his legs.
2. Get off your brothers’ head.
3. (along with #2) That doesn’t mean sit on his face!
4. (also said with #2 & #3) Do NOT FART on his nose!
5. I don’t care how small the turd is, you always have to flush it.
6. Please don’t chew on the dog’s tail.
7. Take off your brothers’ dirty underwear – they don’t belong on anyone’s head.
8. Why is the bathroom covered in wet toilet paper?
9. Rocks do not belong in your nose. (after a 4-hour ER visit to get one out)
10. So what if he peed on you in the shower? You have both soap and water Right There. Deal with it.
11. BONUS: If you wipe one more booger on my pants, I’m going to…

Anyone else noticing a trend? I rarely have to mention anything with dirt or bugs, because they seem to just know about that stuff. It’s the sick crap I have to police! What disgusting things do you have to deal with? Any gems of wisdom out there for me (or anyone brave enough to check out my blog)?

Thanks for letting me visit Kyla!

I Just Want To Pee Alone...

2013-03-12T21:25:00.001-06:00

I have come to the sad realization that even when I am an adult, I can still suffer from being left out. Mostly, I blame Facebook. If Facebook did not let me see that all my friends were invited to the same party and I wasn't, well I wouldn't have known and I wouldn't of cared.

Do you follow?

The thing is, once I see that I was not invited, then suddenly I am in Grade 6 again. And everyone is going to Dee's birthday but me. And it doesn't feel good.

FYI: Dee is a real person and my best friend from when I was in my 20's and she is going to hate that I used her name, but I don't care because, really, that was a jerky move, Dee!

Any ways...

For the record, in this blog, I am not "fishing" for any "You Go Girl!" comments. Keep reading, by the end of this post you will realize that I come around.

So here goes.

There is a group of Kick Ass Mom Bloggers who wrote a book.

Now, I have not read it, yet. But, I will and I know its going to be bloody amazing. I know that because I follow their blogs and some of them follow mine. And they are awesome people and amazing writers and I highly suggest you check some of them out. Like, Funny is Family, Baby Sideburns, Momaical and People I Want to Punch in the Throat. Seriously, buy the book. Plus, I love the name and can totally relate!

Want to know what my problem is/was?

As if its not obvious.

I wanted to be part of that book. I wanted to be part of that group. I wanted to be claimed as a Kick Ass Blogger. I didn't understand. I also have an elephant sized ego so I was shocked to not be included. But mostly, I was jealous. I was really, really, really jealous that I was not asked to be in it. Damn it, I want to be part of these funny Mom bloggers! Because apparently, if I read it online, then I must be part of it. Kind of like how I think I am writer on Chelsea Lately because some of them talk to me on twitter.

Just a little bit pathetic.

I know.

Get over yourself, girl.

Amazing things are happening for me. You see, I am in this book...

And this book....

And I am not exactly sure, but I think I might also be in this book....

And I also am part of the most amazing group of bloggers called, BLUNTmoms. They have claimed me. And I am thankful. We are totally filthy, funny and brave. So brave that most of us don't use our real names when we write for them. I gotta say, it's nice to have a tribe. A group of women that you have never met, but you know that no matter what those ladies have got your back. I take it back, the internet is a wonderful thing. It's a big beautiful place with room for all of us.

How Many Strollers Do I Need?

2013-03-10T10:54:00.001-06:00

Not only was I super annoying when I was pregnant with my first child.

But, I was also super naive.

I thought if I read the Baby Whisperer, I would know how to put a baby to sleep. I only made it half way through the book before I burst out in tears.

Ignore? Routine? Celebrity Endorsements?

Surprisingly not for me.

In our home, that woman is now forever referred to as "The Baby Nazi".

I was also positive that I would use cloth diapers. I mean, do you know how long it takes a disposable diaper to actually dispose?

Like a trillion years or something. That is a long friggn' time.

Any ways, I really owe an apology to the environment. Sorry Mother Earth, but cloth diapers really scared the bejezzies out of me.

Inserts? Bamboo? Snaps?

I was also very naive about baby strollers. When I was six months pregnant we were visiting some friends and talking about strollers. They took us to their garage to show us theirs.

They had 4 strollers.

Seriously.

There was a stroller that you could plunk the baby car seat into. Then there was a sit and stand stroller for when the new baby came along. Of course, there was an umbrella stroller for the airport or mall and then the bike/jogging double stroller for longer trips that both the kids could ride in.

What the salami?!

WHO NEEDS THAT MANY STROLLERS?!

We left their home in shock of there excess. Seriously. Who were these people? One stroller would be sufficient, don't you think? There was something seriously wrong with our friends.

So, after all that ask me how many strollers we have?

Go ahead, ask me!

We have four.

Please don't ask how many baby carriers we have.

Now, that would be embarrassing.