This week, because this show is totally based in reality, our oh-so-hawt Bachelor Ben and his suitors travel to Puerto Rico to get their latino on.

Was that racist?

Anyways, I mean who DOESN’T travel to 8500 cities for their first dates with a new boyfriend? I mean, I totally did! Seattle…West Seattle…Tukwila…even Olympia! Don’t be jealous.

So in Puerto Rico everything is going to be “Ah-mazing”. (new drinking game!) Everyone gets a date this week so…yay?

Date #1
Nicki, Let’s find a new love in old San Juan (in Spanish or pig latin or something. Emily translates while the producers hold up giant cue cards with the English translation for her.)
There are a lot of girls on the show that I love. There are a lot of girls I detest. Scratch that, I only hate Courtney. But Nicki? Ugh.

“Aaaaaaah! A helicopter!” Really? I mean, REALLY?! ::eye roll::

Gurl looks rough in her mini drapey dress. I’m all for a little junk in the trunk but dress for your figure, sweetheart. Oy.

Plan A for Ben and Nicki was to walk around town, but after a horrendous downpour, luckily for Nicki, they buy some brand new dudes at a local shop. Ben looks muy guapo in all white linen and Nicki drastically improved her look with a new dress.

As they cruise the streets, the couple comes across a grand wedding. In true Bachelor style, the couple park themselves near by, surely dragging all the attention away from the pesky marriage ceremony. And Ben, can you believe he wore white to the wedding? How rude!

Later in the evening, the two delve in to Nicki’s past marriage and what went wrong there. Sounds like Nicki’s husband fucked around on her during their super long “almost” three-year marriage. Sounds like a keeper.

But opening up worked for her and Ben gives her the date rose and some tongue.

Puke, I don’t see the chemistry there. At all.

Date #2
Group date with Lindzi, Courtney, Jennifer, Emily, Casey B., Rachel, Casey S., Jamie, Blakely: Diamonds are a Girl‘s Best Friend
SQUEEE!!! Jewelry!! The nine girls quickly get dolled up for some sparkly fun…and then they are bused to a local ballfield to play some baseball with Ben.

::sad trombone::

After doing some drills and everyone having to talk via bullhorn (apparently), the girls find out that they have to play a baseball game in order to win an evening beach date with the Bachelor.

Since there are an odd number of girls, Ben chooses Lindzi to play on both teams and therefore she gets an automatic invite to tonight’s date.

In a nail biter of a game (please read that with heavy sarcasm), the teams battle fiercely for Ben’s attention. The game even goes in to extra innings.

::eye roll::

After three extra innings, the red team (consisting of Casey B., Courtney, Casey S., and Jamie) finally wins.

After Ben and the winning five head off in a helicopter, the losing four break out in synchronized bawling. It was very Olympic. All they need were a few ribbons on wands and leotards. Scratch that. MORE leotards.

Over drinks and what one can only assume are ‘smores, the girls lie about how super fun playing baseball was and how they totally didn’t care when they didn’t show up at Neil Lang for a diamond shopping spree.

::begin montage of Ben walking on beach with each girl::

We finally learn through a conversation with Ben and Casey B. (lord, she’s adorable) that Ben’s past relationships ended because his girlfriends didn’t love him.

What the what?! Crazy bitches.

And then Ben gives Casey B. the date rose. Squee!

But wait…there’s more! Courtney steals Ben away and then whispers to him that they should orchestrate some way to go skinny dipping together.

I. Fucking. Hate. Her.

Date #3
Elyse, Stop looking like a MILF from Housewives of New Jersey and come join me for a badly lit date.
Okay, that’s not really what the date card said…

Let’s find love somewhere private…
Surprisingly, Ben “likes what he sees” but I predict that Elyse will be sent packing…maybe even on the date. The couple starts their date on a gigantic yacht where Elyse defends the idea that she is too young.

Young?

How old is she?! She’s looks about 42!

After talking about herself for a few hours, Elyse follows it by…talking about herself some more. And all the cool things she gave up to join the Bachelor shenanigans.

In order to get away (in my honest opinion), Ben suggests jumping off the side of the yacht. I don’t fucking blame him. And that dress she’s wearing at dinner? Stop the fucking ruching down her sleeve! Puke and a half!

Over dinner, Elyse complains some more about being left out from dates and I think Ben is getting the feeling that she wants to get married, etc. just to get married. Hence forth and whatnot, he breaks up with her over dessert and says “NO ROSE FOR YOU!” But, you know, nicer.

::cue crying and desperate “what did I do wrong” whining::

Once the girls back at the hotel see Elyse’s bags picked up, Courtney’s bitchy comments about Elyse begin. Jersey Shore comments, good riddance insinuations and another one bites the dust…

Basically the shit I write about here, but said, like, out loud. In public.

After her shit talking, Courtney stalks Ben’s room with a bottle of wine, just being “little miss sunshine.” More like Little Miss Whoreface.

Aaaaand then, they skinny dip.

Whoreface.

And that’s me keeping it…R-rated?

Cocktail Hour(s) and Rose Ceremony
Apparently this week is “Maternity Wear Week” for the girl’s formal wear. Please please please make this mean that the next fashion trend is looking like you’ve give birth to multiple children.

:crosses fingers fiercely::

After random one-on-one moments, Courtney not-so-subtly brings up skinny dipping around the other girls because god-forbid they find out what happened (which I’m pretty sure was Ben screwing Courtney).

Ooooooh, super train wreck Emily digs herself a deeper hole with Ben. She begins her one-on-one time apologizing for bringing up the Courtney-is-a-vapid-bitch conversation…and then promptly follows it up with discussing why Courtney is such a stupid vapid bitch. Ben straight up tells her to watch her step and be careful (read: your ass is going home because I am falling in love with the manipulative whore face).

Handsome Ben gives a…

…rose to Lindzi.

…rose to Jamie.

…rose to Rachel.

…rose to Courtney.

…rose to Casey S.

Holy shit, Blakely is hyperventilating, I shit you not.

…rose to Blakely.

Ladies, Ben, it’s the final rose tonight going to…

EMILY!!

What. The. Fuck!! How the…?! What the…!?! I thought Jennifer was a front-runner!!

Next week: The most glamorous city in Central America…Panama City? Uh…

Backup title for this week’s post “I feel like I made a mistake. I was honest.”

Also Monica: “This is where I’ll be Mama Bear. Fuck her!”

Can you believe that Ben and these crazy bitches have been in our lives for a whole sweet month already?

This week, everyone travels to Park City, Utah because…uh…apparently that is where the “outdoors” are. Phew! I hate the outdoors so luckily I can completely avoid them by living in Seattle. Dodged that bullet.

For no particular reason, three minutes in to the episode, I’m calling that Monica goes home this week. Man, I love her, though.

Date #1
Rachel, Let‘s let nature takes its course

Upon Rachel getting the date card, Casey B., who is ridiculously adorable and falling in love with Ben, has a hard time dealing with other girls going on dates with Ben.

After Ben picks up Rachel from their suite (breaking and yet filling Casey B.’s heart at the same time), they travel to their destination in a…wait for it…all together now…

HELICOPTER!

It’s like a little piece of home when the Bachelor returns to its roots with the main mode of transportation being a Black Hawk.

As they sigh and start smooching in the “peace and quiet” my initial response was “HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THOSE BUGS!!! VIMMAL!!!!”

I’s a county girl, y’all.

The couple sits down to a champagne picnic to yet again discuss the fact that they are…on a date…and…yeah, that’s it. They sit in practically complete silence, except for Ben pointing out a beaver dam, which cool, right?

After walking through the forest, the couple arrive to a fireside dinner in a hut decorated by Yosemite Sam. Ben struggles amongst the cowboy hats and dead animals to get a little, just a smidge, of information from Rachel. She FINALLY confesses that communication is not her strong suit (really?). Ben is happy that she’s “opened up” and he’s looking to “dive in.”

Heh heh heh. That’s what he said.

Oh, and she gets the date rose.

Date #2
Jamie, Casey S., Blakely, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, Casey B., Courtney – Let’s see if you’re a great catch

The next date is Ben vs. The Evil Eight, mostly just because queen bitch Courtney is there. Her first awesome contribution to the date is warning everyone to “watch out for poop” when they begin their horseback riding. The second awesomness is her “yay…” face when Ben declares that they are going fly-fishing!

I was planning on listing off all the irritating things Courtney does on the date, but, to be honest, they are far too numerous. I’d need a motherfucking Excel spreadsheet.

Courtney tries to steal Ben away from the girls, she catches a fish, blah blah blah.

The group moves on to the evening portion and if the girls didn’t fall in love with him a little more, I certainly did. Especially when he sits down with Samantha and rips her a new one with his blunt honesty. I don’t really feel like we’ve seen too much of Samantha but who the hell is this bimbo? Ben tells you that he doesn’t see a future with you and you laugh?! Thank god he sent her ass packing.

And just when you think that it’s a simple, good thing he’s doing, fucking bitch Courtney has to pipe in with her know-it-all “I’m glad he’s finally sending her home. She was abrasive.” Yeah, SHE was abrasive. Jesus Christ.

After that train wreck, Ben is so ridiculously sweet and pulls Casey B. aside to his room and once she says that she just loves every little bit of time, Ben admits that he that he really wanted to kiss her in the river and couldn’t let himself because he didn’t want the girls to get upset.

Of course, after the cute-fest, Courtney had to follow it with a manipulation of Ben in order to get the date rose. Basically, she faked that she was all insecure to make him think that she needed the date rose of a reassurance. And sadly, it works. The whore actually smiles (an evil Disney witch kind of smile) when he leaves her to get the rose. Bitch knows exactly how to manipulate a guy and if it wasn’t Ben, who is so freaking down-to-earth and lovable, I might even be entertained by it. But lord help me if this girl gets the final rose and engagement. She is HORRIBLE.

Date #3
Jennifer, Let’s pick our love song
Okay, how cute is little redhead Jennifer? I want to date her. And Casey B. And Monica. Wow, that just sounded really lesbiany (TRADEMARK!) (not that there is anything wrong with that).

The adorable couple hike a bit to a…crater…in the middle of nowhere. And they are planning on rappelling. In to the water. That is 300 feet down. And after hanging for a while in midair, the line is released and they plummet together in to a serene pool below.

Somehow, the crater magically turns in to ski lift to a romantic outdoor dinner, where they spill the secrets of their past relationships. Suddenly, the sky opens up and the two just get poured on, which *sigh* right? Obviously, she gets the date rose.

Next he takes her down to a country show just for them and god dammit, the boy even knows how to dance! I’m pretty sure Arla-Shay and I have fallen head over heels for Ben tonight (you know, more than we already were. Sorry Mr. Arla-Shay and Mr. Bee).

Cocktail Hour(s) and Rose Ceremony
The drinks start flowing and the emotions start firing up as the cocktail hour begins. Emily seems to be the only one with the cajones to expose Courtney’s bullshit to Ben. Ben gives Emily an out by saying that he doesn’t expect her to throw anyone under the bus and then she dumbly outs Courtney as the target of her complaints. Sadly, it goes over not so well, and Ben says that in the past people like Emily usually cause their own demise.

When Emily returns to the room with the girls, Casey K. defends Courtney and flabbergasts Emily with her inane arguments that Courtney is super genuine and awesome. Of course, Casey K. runs immediately over to Courtney to relay every bit of information she learned from Emily. That fires up Our Queen Bitch, who finishes her talk with Casey K. with an evil cackle.

Fer reals, who says WINNING?! Apparently Courtney. Like every five minutes.

And, dude, raise your hand if you love Monica!

I kind of want to be her friend. Or stalker.

Ben declares that this week was a turning point in relationships and starts handing out roses:

((Courtney – puke, Rachel – eh, and Jennifer already have date roses))

Rose to Lindzi (yay!)

Rose to Jamie (who is she?)

Rose to Nicki (I don’t see it…)

Rose to Casey B. (yay!! Love!)

Rose to Elyse (what the what?! I had her earmarked for dumpsville, population her)

Rose to Blakely (what is going ON?!)

Rose to Casey S. (barf. Courtney lover.)

And the last rose tonight goes to…

Emily!! SUCK IT COURTNEY!!

Dammit, Monica gets sent home solo since Samantha got sent packing earlier. Poor Monica. WE LOVE YOU, MAMA BEAR!!

Next week, they are heading to Puerto Rico (despite Courtney having just been there two weeks ago). Oh mah gawd, I hate Courtney with the fire of one thousand suns.

As we visit week 3 (sorry for the delay folks), we join Bachelor Ben and his League of Evil Suitors in California, this time in Ben’s “home town” (he seems to have many) of San Francisco. Here, Ben has some soda with his sister and declares that she would LOVE Courtney, the evil bitch queen, which leads me to think that, well, Ben is fucking insane.

Date #1
Love lifts us up
Upon receiving the date card, Emily‘s first question is “Will I pee my pants?”

I’d be more considered about Courtney’s bitchface burning a hole in my forehead. Have I mentioned yet that I hate her? And she’s ridiculously gorgeous so I hate her even more. Obviously.

Upon donning her Depends Undergarments, Emily and Ben begin their romantic date…climbing to the top of the bay bridge? He’s scared of heights but so is she.

Sidenote: They are not “scared of heights.” I, my friends, am scared of heights. I would have butt juice projectile shooting out of the legs of my pants causing car accidents below if someone forced me (which they would have to do) to climb up a bridge support.

And a helmet? Really?! That has to be one mother fucking strong helmet to withstand falling how many hundreds of feet down to the payment and/or water.

Emily is super cute, but almost dated her brother at some point in her life which is either a quaint and awkward story or a sign of some really fucked up things to come.

But I have to agree with Ben that she is smart, witty, perfect. “Words can’t describe” so Ben gives her the date rose and some smooches instead.

Date #2
Let’s knock something off our leap list – Attendees: Blakeley, Jacklyn, Kasey B. Erika, Samantha, Elyse, monica, Rachel, nicki, Deanna?, Kasey S.

Okay, first let’s get something out of the way. This whole “leap list” idea? Total bullshit. I mean, have you SEEN these Honda commercials. I’m a Honda lover but even I want to throw something significant yet unable to break my television AT my television.

For those who haven’t seen the 800 Honda commercials, a “leap list” is a list of things you hope to do before you “take the leap”. In the Honda commercials, it’s always getting married.

Because, you know, you couldn’t possibly learn how to play the drums, climb a mountain or anything of the countless other things they list while you are…GASP…WEARING A WEDDING BAND!!

::eye roll::

So what do Ben and the League of Evil Bachelorettes want to do before they get hitched? Skiing. In bikinis. Dressed like whores. Seriously, y’all, they look so ridiculous. By-standers must think it’s a hooker ski parade.

I take that back, the gag reel of them falling was SOOOO worth it! I bet poor Casey B.’s ass is still red from all those tumbles!

They go to a super fab waterfall-in-the-middle-of-the-place restaurant.

Once the one-on-one time begins and turns in to kissy-kissy time, girls start getting some hurt feelings. Kasie B. is friggin’ adorable, though, and her relationship and smooches pick right up where they left off on their one-on-one date.

Mid-group date, Britteny, who isn’t even ON the group date, decides that she is gonna go home instead of letting Ben “waste” a one-on-one date on someone who isn’t in it to win it.

Rachel gets the date rose for kissing him, I think?

Date #3
Britteny – Let’s unlock our love with the key to the city

Lindzi is beyond disappointed when the date card arrives addressed to Britteny, but Britteny is maybe even MORE disappointed. So in the end, since Britteny peace’d out, Lindzi scores the one-on-one time with Ben.

Date v.3.2
Your first impression was a lasting one, now let’s see the city at night.

They ride a trolley, eat some ice cream, go to city hall where they dance to Faster by Matt Nathanson. SQUEE!!!

They follow up dancing with some time at a password-required-for-entry speakeasy, which, dude, awesome sauce!

Cocktail Hour(s) and Rose Ceremony
Okay, so this is some really random stuff, yo. Shawntel from Brad’s season apparently met Ben at some point, has spent some time getting to know him and then, when she found out that he was the next Bachelor, called Chris Harrison and was all “hook me up, yo.”

Needless to say, the girls go absolutely ape shit.

Numerous women are all “I’m Audi 5000 if Ben gives Shawntel a rose.” (buuuuuuuuuuullshit.)

Once the rose ceremony begins, all eyes are on the chick in the teal dress, because as the previews showed, someone is going down tonight.

Ben begins handing out roses…

Rose to Courtney. She gives him shit about “what’s her butt” in her notoriously bitchy way.

Rose to Casey B.

Rose to Elyse.

Rose to Jennifer.

Rose to Casey S.

Rose to Blakely

Rose to Monica

Rose to Nicki

Rose to Samantha

Ladies, Ben, this is the final rose tonight…when you’re ready…

Tiiiiiimber!

And down goes Erika. Chick faints due to all the excitement, but luckily there are roughly 8,000 nurses in the group of Bachelorettes this season and she is quickly on her feet, smiling nervously once again.

With no explanation (she’s apparently fine after a quick commercial break) and then WHAMMY no rose for you!!

That would SUUUUUUUCK.

Ben decides NO ROSE FOR YOU and doesn’t give out the final rose. In the end, Shawntel, Erika and Jacklyn go home.

Next/This week: I don’t know, I didn’t watch the preview. I’m sure somebody cries, somebody is a total slut, and most likely Courtney will insult about 45 people right to their face(s).

Episode 2 of the Bachelor Ben Bananza brings us to tasty, wine-soaked Sonoma so the girls can get a taste of what it will be like uprooting their lives to live where Ben lives. Because great and lasting relationships always start like that, right? One person sacrificing everything to fit in to a perfect little round hole in the other person’s life?

(Sidenote: I was alluding to a “square peg in a round hole”, not their vagina and/or butt hole. Just wanted to clear that up.)

Date #1
Casey B. gets the first date card, which instantly makes Crazy Model’s talons to go in to attack mode. Ben tells us that he wants to “let her in early”. heh heh, that’s what she said.

Casey B. seems like a nice, down-home girl, family-oriented, but not in the blerg-why-does-she-insist-on-shitting-rainbows king of way. Very seriously, she confesses something very embarrassing…she used to twirl a baton. Like professionally or something. Having grabbed one from a gift shop they visited, Ben and Casey proceed to have a two-person (and very adorable) parade in his home town.

At dinner, they discuss romance and Ben’s dead father…again. (Since we haven’t seen many hummingbirds – Ben’s visions of his father – we can only assume that dating shows aren’t that appealing to the dead [one would hope].)

After a super heartfelt speech about how cool he thinks she is and how he can imagine her in Sonoma with him, Ben gives her the date rose.

But wait! There’s more! They sit down in a theatre to watch home movies from her childhood…and Ben’s, too! So cute! Even naked Ben in the backyard (let’s clear something up – I’d like to see TODAY’S Ben naked, NOT two year old Ben).

But holy shit, tears at all the dad footage! Oy vey, fucking producers.

Date #2
Come Away With Me
(Attendees: Brittany, Rachel, Jennifer, Blakely, Emily, Jenna, Shawn, Monica, Samantha, Jamie, Nicki, and Jackie)

In a frighteningly embarrassing date, the girls must audition for roles in a play ranging from princess to gingerbread man and wait for it…weasel. And their judges? 10 year olds. Kill me now. Fer reals.

However, as long as it’s not me, I can enjoy full-grown adults pretending to be weasels doing a sexy dance as much as the next person. In fact, I may or may not have laughed so hard I peed myself.

And SURPRISE! They will be performing in front of a full theatre house in town!

It was HYS-fucking-TERICAL!

But it’s not long before the date goes in to mingle mode and Blakely is clearly not only a bitch but a “desperate cougar”! Mwaaahahahahahaha.

Samantha quickly extracts herself from the Blakely mayhem, but worries the other girls with her prolonged absence.

When Jennifer (the cutie pie) pulls Ben aside, they have a little make-out spa session that was freaking adorable. But next, Blakely pulls him to a pool and goes full slut and forces herself on him. And sadly, forcing your tongue down a guy’s throat usually does the trick and Blakely runs away, laughing maniacally, with the date rose in hand.

Date #3
Let’s spin the bottle…
Date 3 goes to Courtney (the ferociously bitchy model – for those of you following at home), who promptly says to the remaining girls, “He wants to kiss me! How’d that taste coming out of your mouth?”

What the what?!

How do NONE of those girls stand up to her?? I think Monica needs to cut HER face off.

Wow. I’m practically speechless. The model girl is a super bitch!! Which totally confirms my theory that the prettier you are, the more evil you must be.

Obviously, I’m a fucking mad scientist, beeyotch.

On the date, Courtney continues to coat Ben head-to-toe in “oh, you are so sexxxy” compliments. Puke. She’s seriously as deep as a blackhead. The entire conversation with Ben at the lake is ridiculous. I have deeper conversations with my gynecologist.

While I was busy trying to swallow the bile rising in the my throat from the lackluster conversation from Courtney that apparently is winning over Ben, he gives her the date rose.

Uh oh, here comes that bile again.

Rose Ceremony
Ben reconnects with a number of women, until Bitchy Blakely, who is apparently a Stage 5 Clinger) breaks up not one, but TWO one-on-one moments with Ben and other girls. Even Courtney, the model, comments that it is a war out there.

I was going to make some snaky comment about Courtney here, but honestly, I can see how the Bach is straight up like ‘Nam. But with a bunch of white girls. Who are really slutty. And most likely alcoholics. But other than that, TOTALLY A WARZONE!

But wait, there’s more. It’s…Jenna time!! First, shit you not, she drops her jacket straight on hurricane lantern on the floor. “oooh, let’s not put that on the candle…” Ben to the rescue. Man, this chick is a TRAIN WRECK.

The following is yet another direct quote from Jenna that took me way too long via TiVo to document:

“and I don’t, I don’t want you to think I’m not, because it might appear as if I’m not, it’s I mean it’s hard like it’s only you so it’s like waiting around for you and it’s totally worth it, but I just, I’m not like a girl, if that makes any sense.”

“I appreciate that” from Ben which I interpret it as “Uh, okay, can you go now.”

Following which, Jenna retreated to a bedroom to bust into tears. Again.

Shortly thereafter, Blakely goes in to another bedroom to curl in the fetal position in the corner of the luggage room. Ben finds her there to talk it out and then runs in to Jenna bawling in a random room. Obviously, there is some drama in the house, but sadly he doesn’t quite realize that Blakely is a horrible bitch and if Courtney looked as ugly as her personality, she’d look like Andy Rooney. Post death.

After everyone cleans the ugly cry off their faces, roses to to: Jennifer, Emily, Elyse, Jaclyn, Erika, Rachel, Lindzi, Nicki, Casey S., Samantha, Monica, Jamie, and Britteny.

Going home: Some random chicks and Jenna (sadly, we all love her poop faces and her face was worth a thousand words when she accidentally got bumped in to by the last rose recipient. The words were “I will cut a bitch! I‘m fucking unstable, y‘all!”), But luckily, her mouth also speaks plenty of words following the ceremony: “Are you kidding me? I mean, are you kidding me?!“ Shit, I hope that camera man is wearing Kevlar and is prepared with a Costco-sized can of pepper spray.

Next week, San Francisco for street cars, bikini cross-country skiing, ex-girlfriends and medical emergencies. I’m hoping all of the above happen to Blakely. Well, the medical emergency, at least.

Hi there! I think we might know each other? I write in this crusty and damp part of the photosphere that I like to call Mom to Bee…Have you heard of it? Tens of people used to read it, you know, before I went on an unannounced and unexpected blog sabbatical. Also, this post will not be proofread, so have fun trying to decode what I’m writing.

Anywho and whatnot, I back mother fuckers!! And have y’all been watching Bachelor this season ‘cause this shit if OFF THE HOOK! The crazy is so thick you can cut it with a knife that some of those crazy bitches probably have stashed in their luggage “just in case” they need to guard and protect Ben’s heart.

And Ben. Oh, sweet and so genuine Ben. He’s adorably blunt and honest in his…ownership of a fucking vineyard! That’s all I need to hear. Unlimited access to boxes and boxes of wine? Signed, served and delivered, yo.

And he plays the piano too? Are you kidding me?? Pretty soon the producers will be showing Ben rescuing puppies from the pound while serving dinner at a food bank and singing to ignored seniors at the local old folks home. But, sadly, all of that will be WITH CLOTHES because I think the is the first Bachelor in a long time to not have a shirtless-soapy montage and, honestly, I’m not really sure how I feel about that. Surprised? Yes. Disappointed and ashamed because of that disappointment? I’ll get back to you.

Since this is the “oh-my-gawd-there-is-so-much-crazy” introductory episode, here are my CliffsNotes on most of the girls. Some where just, well, not worth the imaginary ink. As always, my Bachelor commentary is meant to be funny. Like, haha funny. If your mother’s aunt’s sister’s cousin’s daughter is best friends with one of these women’s brother’s dog walker, my bad.

Without further ado, BACHELOR 2012!!!

In general, every single woman on the show this season looks like she’s been rolling around in Nacho Doritos dust.

Lindzi C. from Bellevue
Holla! Lindzi is representin’ my ’hood(ish) so despite the equestrian obsession, I’m obligated by state law to love her. Poor Lindzi stood out by displaying the worst break up text EVAR:

“The guy sent me a break up text that said “Babe, welcome to Dumpsville … population YOU.”

Asshole douche knuckle does not even COVER a dude like that! So obviously, I’m rooting for her. Even though she rode in on a horse and touches her hair WAY too much.

Amber T. from Nebraska
(1) NRA member. (2) Loves killing adorable animals and birds. (3) Despite her love of killing shit, she is a nurse. (4) Blind (I’m assuming that due to the dress she wore that burned my corneas.

Kacie B. from Tennessee
Yeah, I think she’s gonna end up being a stalker.

Courtney from Santa Monica
A model with duck lips the size of the stick that is firmly up her ass.
“I’m better than them.” Yeah, she SAID that. Barf.

Jamie from New York
Nurse, who looks very down to earth and adorable. Druggie mom and took custody of younger siblings. Nervous but caught Ben’s eye. I’m a fan.

Lindsay from Scotsdale
Who’s that dude? Seriously, she is the most British-looking Brit I have ever seen. You know, if the Brit was a dude. She’s a diplomat’s daughter and is enormously frightening in all different languages.

Jenna from New York
Blogger/Romance writer (read: Carrie Bradshaw wannabe)
Her entrance was *crickets* and awkwardness. Kill me now. PAINFUL. She is shocked that every single woman isn’t instantly in love with Ben on sight and immediately displays that she will be the most emotionally unstable and, for obvious reasons, my favorite of the entire season.

Shawn from Phoenix
Single mom of a 7ish year old son. She stood out when she slapped Ben on the shoulder, surprising (and maybe hurting our delicate flower,) Ben a little bit.

Nicki from Texas
Has the depth of a wading pool when she declare that both her and Ben have “gone through things in our past.“ Uh, so has, like, EVERYONE? Married at 21 and now divorced, Nicki seems to believe that she is a survivor, ain’t gonna give up…

Rachel from New York
Her middle name is Rose. I like her.

Erika from Chicago
Her dress seriously made me VIMMAL. And then the “Ben, you are guilty of being sexy” line? I just threw up even MORE in my mouth.

Amber from Vancouver, Canada
Baconator. ‘nough said.

Elyse from Chicago
Totally forgettable.

Emily from North Carolina
Works for the CDC or something. Sanitized Ben properly and then scored the first kiss of the night.

Samantha from Los Angeles
Miss Pacific Palisades. Who? What? Go away. Worst hair I’ve ever seen.

Casey S. from Kansas
Weird half see-thru dress. Besides that…forgettable.

Holly from Kentucky
Wore a gigantic hat and looked ridiculous.

Shira from Los Angeles
Who?

Blakely from North Carolina
VIP waitress. Pretty sure that means a waitress that gives happy endings.

Sheryl from Colorado
Retired, 72yo. And on crutches. Freaks Ben out fer reals when he sees her, but he calms down when Sheryl introduces her cute granddaughter, Britteny. Upon entering the cocktail hour with grandma, bitch faces COMMENCE!

Diana from California
Works for a non-profit. Had the world’s biggest brain fart and giggles that hurt my brain. If she worked for a for-profit company, she would’ve been fired by now.

Jennifer from Oklahoma City
…

Anna from Detroit
Is super ballsy and whispers “hi” and then passes up Ben to walk straight inside.

Monica from Salt Lake City
Confession: she misses her dog. Really? ::eye roll:: But later she’s super loud, funny, bi-curious and full of the awesome!

Jaclyn from Massachusetts
…yawn…

After horse-rider-inner, the serious bitch faces come out and the claws are getting sharpened on the psychos’ pointy teeth. How DARE someone ride in on a HORSE?! Pa-shaw!! The NERVE!!

PS: Are they all totally wasted?

All in all, the conversations between Ben and all the Bachelorettes so far have been so nauseatingly boring. And since when does feeding someone candy out of a hobo’s drinking sack foreplay?

As the alcohol is absorbed in to their anorexic stomachs, the real crazies start to appear. Like, what is Jenna’s PROBLEM?! Besides being super crazy face? And wanting to share a tampon with Monica? Which makes Monica drink more and be FUCKING HYSTERICAL and threaten to cut Jenna’s face off. Have I mentioned that I see a lot of myself in Monica? She’s fucking rad.

And Jenna has the first cry/weep/sob of the season! Yay! And then lies about it. And insults Ben. And babbles:

“I just feel like, you, like, I know but, that makes us, if, we could be more more nervous, but you could, we all could be more nervous, but the way you’re calm, like we’re like so nervous, but it calms us down a little bit.”

That’s a motherfucking QUOTE people! And it took like five minutes of pausing and restarting the goddamn TiVo to make that happen.

You’re welcome.

And while Jenna talks to herself (and the voices in her head) in the bathroom, Ben supports our local stock by giving the first impression rose to Lindzi, our Bellevue gal!

Cue sobbing in the bathroom from Jenna.

Flush.

After the puking/duece dropping/cutting herself/whatever, Jenna finally joins the crowd waiting for the rose ceremony to begin.

There are far too many women to figure out who got a rose and who didn’t. But I won’t lie. I actually DID fist pump in the air and scream YES when crazy frizzy-haired Jenna got a rose. The crazy will continue!

Can I tell you how I feel about micro-managing, egotistical, know-it-all power-tripping bitchfaces?

I pretty much hope that they all get herpes covered in genital warts on their face from Santa.

Needless to say, there is more coming soon on this story. Stay tuned…

Song title: Merry F**kin’ Christmas (Live) by Denis Leary

Bee: “Mommy! My baby (doll) said something!”

Yeah, what’d she say?

Bee: “Get to a better state. State Farm!”

Song title: TV Baby by Bif Naked

Organizing my closet by color makes me happier than it probably should.

Song title: The Color Of Love by Boyz II Men

Most of the time, I can’t figure out how to explain to childless individuals how simply amazing being a mom can be. I think this may work though:

Last night, as I was putting Bee to sleep by singing our nightly songs (SEVEN songs, to be exact), Bee declared that she was mad.

You see, lately Bee has decided that any negative attitude can be explained by nightmares the previous night (whether or not nightmares actually occurred, of course). So I began explaining how she could simply tell her bad dreams that they were meany jelly beanies and that she was going to be happy anyway and wouldn’t let bad dream make her mad anymore.

Bee’s response was to throw her arms around me, snuggle close and say, “…or you could gimme lots a hugs…”

Yep, that works for me.

Song title: Bad Dream by Keane

DISCLAIMER: I’m pretty sure this post has PMS written all over it, so please feel free to skip it unless you enjoy hearing me bitch about people i don’t know.

So the other day I was reading a blog that, get this, was complaining about their popularity. It seems this particular blog had so many readers that the blogger was overwhelmed by the pressure to write and just really felt like complaining on the blog about his or her popularity.

Are you fucking kidding me? Too popular? And you’re complaining about it? How many bloggers out there it would just kill for thousands upon thousands of readers to visit our blog everyday? And you’re complaining about it ?

Next they’ll be complaining about how big their houses are or how much money is coming out of their asshole when they take a shit.

Do those people not understand what lowly bloggers like me would give to be able to share their stories, their jokes, their honesty with more people on the Interwebs? And I don’t mean for money or fame. Just to spread the fun and inappropriateness.

Of course, that would probably mean I would need to blog more than once every two months…

Anyway in response to the “oh no, I’m too popular, listen to me complain. Wah wah.” blog, fucking get over it already and enjoy your popularity before it’s gone.

Song title: Mr. Cool by Kevin Ayers