Want something nice and delicious to wash down that cottonmouth that you’re now trying to fight off? How about a nice pizza pie, conveniently delivered right to your door (which is pretty sweet, considering the fact that you’re in no shape to drive)? Whooo … what was that man? Is that a rabbit wearing a top hat (yea, you’re probably smoking the good stuff, aren’t you?)? Freaky … oh well back to the subject (that was cool though, I’ll give it to you): that jonesing for a pizza … with like seven, eight or nine different topping ranging from the traditional pepperoni to the non-traditional bubble gum (hey screwball, I don’t know your life)! Why don’t you pull out those wadded up bills out of your dirty cargo pants and see what we’re working with? Seven dollars, and two cents … is that all your job’s paying you? Oh, you work at a family-owned gas station? I see … you have a stoner’s job!

Well, I guess we’ll have to work with what we got … did you know that most pizzerias will replace a cold delivery pizza that is delivered late, and some (like Papa John’s) will even refund your money and give you a free pizza for making that mistake? Why not take advantage of this fact? Many pizza shop managers give pizza away, plus some other incentives like breadsticks or chicken wings to calm wily customers down. Domino’s says their pizza will be there within 30 minutes, so if your delivery pizza isn’t delivered in that time frame, then call and complain! Don’t be shy or nervous, because you certainly won’t be the first, nor the last, person to do it (it happens regularly, I heard).

Oh, you don’t want to be a d@#k about things? OK honest guy (real honest … weeds illegal, you know?), here goes some other, more chicken-s*@t ways to go about getting you that pizza for what you have in your cheap hands that smell like a skunk (trust me … I’ve been in your shoes and they work):

Compare prices. You may falsely believe that the chains offer the best prices, but some local pizzerias often offer better sales in order to compete with these mom-and-pop killers. So why not call around to see who has the best price (you’ll never know unless you call. What? You don’t have a phone … OK, this is getting ridiculous).

Look for promotions. Stop skipping past the commercials and actually pay attention for once (note: I’m over here). Many pizza chains run great promotions. If you’re going out to eat, look at the signs they have posted on the windows as well. Also, don’t forget to check out the menu for special inserts. You’re in no condition to drive, so do this one later!

Hang on to coupons. The chains always place coupons on their take-out boxes. Hang on to these coupons for the next time you place an order (a two week old box is sitting on your coffee/ separating table right now). Also, check your mailbox for coupons, or call your favorite place and ask to be put on their mailing list for future (whoa, man) coupons and discounts. You’ll see why later (when you come back down)!

Go to their website. Then place your order and sign up for their newsletter or email list that you’ll see once you’re there. This is coooolll (Ok, pull it together hippie) because you will be the first to know of any specials that are running or any new products on the market. Then, check your email for special coupons that they’ll send you (you do own a computer don’t you … yea, that beige box with a typewriter thing attached to it over there)!

Can’t, remember all of this (too heavy for you? LOL)? Well, that’s OK then … just ask your loser friend who worked down at the pizza shop to bring you home one of the ones they were going to throw away at the end of the night! Pizza places usually throw away whatever pizza is leftover before they lock up. So, if your buddy would only say to his boss, “Can I bring this stuff home?” I bet he’ll get an, “Ok, I was going to toss it anyways (LOL. He said toss it)!” Oh, your friend does this every night he works (two times a week)? Then what the hell are you wasting my time for? Get your high ass out of here!

Well, if anyone else learned anything from this article, I’m glad that I could help! By the way, don’t you think it’s about time to make marijuana legal? Ok, this pothead guy I just tried to advise isn’t helping the cause, but really … is it really that bad! Let your congressman know how you feel! See you later …

This post, along with more great content, is available at MoneyRemix.

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However, did you know that only a century ago, acting was thought of as one of the white-trashiest of professions? The term highest paid actors would have been an oxymoron back then (if people knew how to use it properly … most people couldn’t read, let alone use smart words like that). Now, fast forward to this present day and age and freaking actors are placed among the highest rank members of this fake ass, money-fueled society that us Americans have come to know as our world. The biggest actors are making over $20 million a movie (I don’t think I’ll ever see that much cash in my life … actually, I’m pretty sure of that fact!). Pretty sweet huh (I hope you answered yes … if not, you’re either lying or plain stupid)?

And guess what: the highest paid actors are not necessarily only on the silver screen either. Many big name television actors (you know them by heart, so no need to mention them here) command top dollar for what they do (which is not that much, if you’re into that sort of thing). People like George Clooney (I hate this lucky bastard … it’s like he won the lottery before he was born) who has first made his name on the hit television series E.R., has successfully made the huge jump from TV to film quite nicely.

Most of the times, however, it’s the Hollywood film stars who are at the top of the list of highest paid actors. And most of them can be broken down into four generalized categories (which is much easier for the brain to comprehend … well, at least my brain, which is high on coffee right now):

Heartthrobs. Sure time changes everything, but in the world of film there will always be the “It” men that get regular women’s motors running (and then these same women come home, and watch out … the fire has been set! Woo Hoo!). The 80’s had Cruise and Depp (he’s kind of coming back a little bit now, but not too much), the 90’s had Hanks and Pitt (freaking show-offs) and the millennium has brought us … who in the hell knows any more (Man, I’m getting old … forgive me)! Well, you get the point, right?

Sweethearts. These are the ladies that prove you don’t have to be a bitch or a diva, to make it in Hollywood! Julia Roberts is probably at the top of this list, and so are Jessica Alba and Jennifer Garner. Women, this is the type of lady that you’ll want to become if you ever want long lasting success in this business (and also if you don’t want your heart to keep getting broken like Jennifer Aniston … I can only guess her standards are way too high. Plus, Angelina is so much hotter. Sorry).

Comedians. Can you think of someone funnier than Will Ferrell or Adam Sandler (never mind their latest crap sandwiches)? I can’t, but if you’re the type that needs a distant second, I’ll throw some more, less amusing guys at you … Jim Carrey, Will Smith, and Jerry Seinfeld (Oh, looky here … all three have sold out and are doing some really, really not so funny stuff lately).

The Legends. You looking at me … I don’t see nobody else, so you must be looking at me … yea, De Niro made this list, and so did Pacino! These are the type of actors who have a lot of clout in Hollywood, and have earned the respect from the rest of the suck-up losers. They’re now at the point in their careers where they no longer have to brown nose, because they are just that good. Note: you’ll want to get to this level … trust me on this one! These guys will be around forever!

Trying to break into acting now? Ok then, here comes the scary part: you’ll have to bust your ass for a few years to even earn enough credit to get a SAG card, and even then it’s not all roses! The down side of a SAG card: it’s going to cost a couple thousand buckaroos to get one. Here’s the rest of my scare tactics (that I hope will work for you weak-willed kids): a non-union extra only gets $50 to $75 per day. Now joining SAG (finally) will bump you up to $150 per day, and if you are lucky enough to become a one in a million long-shot who finds themselves with a little camera time, you’ll make about $375 per day (before taxes, of course) usually. Is this real money, in your opinion? If so, I say go for it, and good luck (I personally like to have better odds than this at making some serious dough — but that’s just me)!

Now here’s the really scary part (for you thick-skulls): actors are famous (no, notorious) for waiting tables! That’s kind of the everyday joke about actors who aren’t acting currently. However, the ones who don’t have giant egos usually wind up doing smaller spots such as cameos, commercials, and supporting roles during the slow periods (which most of the time, it will be). They’ll also pursue their other interests (i.e. singers, going to college for something more substantial) until they get another acting gig (which may never come, to be honest with you). Sorry for being a Debbie Downer … but it’s the simple truth of the matter!

Hey, this acting stuff just isn’t for me (Plus, I’m kind of ugly as sin) but if it floats your boat, then I say go for it … just don’t sell out along the way (like most of the phonies you see plastered all over the tabloids)! Good luck thespian (No, I didn’t mean lesbian)!

This post, along with more great content, is available at MoneyRemix.

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By this, I mean that the old hierarchical structure and chain of command needs to go out to the dumpsters, as do the old-fashioned sort of job titles (which are only used to keep salaries down). Employees in this day and age shouldn’t be hired to only do one specific “job” for a company (which may not even be around 12 months down the road) but taken on for their skills, attitude, conversation style and their aptitude to quickly learn new skills.

So, do you want to be the cool boss who gets “IT”? Well then, you better commit these following tips to memory, and then put them into practice (or else they [read: the one’s above you] are probably going to let you go instead … mark my almost soothsaying words):

Be approachable. Direct access is the key! Take time to speak with an employee’s spouse or family member when you meet them, and let them know how you appreciate the hell out of the one they love. Note: Gen-X is looking for more than just fair pay: we need both personal acknowledgment and job satisfaction.

Take time to be personal. Thank an employee for doing a good job. Listen to what they have to say (trust me … the good managers are) both in a one-on-one situation and in a group setting. Let each employee know that you take ideas or suggestions seriously (this will keep you “in the know” … which is a nice spot to be in).

Encourage employee growth. Provide feedback, and be specific! Make sure the guys understand the company’s expectations. Involve them in the decision-making process whenever possible. Let them do their job without unnecessary micro-management. Most crappy jobs contain routine, day-to-day work; offer employees a chance to work on something that will challenge them — they dig this stuff!

Promote and reward. Recognize an employee who has done an outstanding job by giving an unexpected reward, such as a day off or a free dinner for them and their family at a fancy restaurant. Always manage people individually, and promote outstanding individuals even if it means ahead of older or more senior employees. Note: if they deserve it, and you’re not giving it to them, they will start looking elsewhere!

Show them the “Big Picture.” We need to experience a sense of ownership (sorry if this is bad news)! Encourage this by providing detailed information about any new products, advertising campaigns, strategies for competing, etc. Also, let each employee see how he or she fits into the plan. Show them how their specific goals contribute to meeting the whole organization’s goals.

Sure, we all get old, but we don’t have to act like it (age is nothing but a number anyways)! If you want to be seen as an innovator, and the cool boss, you better start opening up your work environment, and welcoming new ideas. Our generation enjoys having fun at work, so don’t be afraid to try something new every once in a while. Unlike our parents and grandparents, we don’t plan on staying with one job throughout our long careers, nor will we sacrifice our family for the job. We grew up seeing our parents being laid off, therefore our family life is very important to us (I hope you get this … or else you’re in trouble).

The truth is that the company that has a workforce ready to deal with a whole range of future situations is far better equipped to cope when new opportunities come their way . . . and these companies will be in business much longer than those who practice the dinosaur-style traditions.

Man, I hope somebody shoots it this straight to me when it’s my turn to change! For one thing, I’ll be smart enough to listen!

This post, along with more great content, is available at MoneyRemix.

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Then there are those wimps who are afraid to contact their creditors. They don’t really seem to understand the step-by-step consequences of not even trying to pay their bills, which I have laid out, in chronological order: 1) your credit rating will definitely be affected, 2) your creditors will seek a judgment in an effort to get paid, 3) your bill will be turned over to a debt collector, 4) your property might be repossessed and your wages may be garnished, and finally 5) you more than likely will be forced into bankruptcy.

While we don’t have enough time here for specific details of the often complicated measures people take in order to get out of debt, we do have enough to review the correct ways to start turning this problem around:

Pay off that credit card debt. Having a credit card that you pay off in full each month is perfectly acceptable (it’ll help you build up your credit rating) but having an outstanding balance that you have to pay interest on is a recipe for failure. Think of it like this: Calculate how much you pay in interest on your credit cards (not the balance, just the interest). Then figure out how much you would have if you had put that money into a savings account rather than into the credit card companies’ pockets. You should get the picture (I hope so, for your sake).

If you can’t afford it, don’t buy it. One of the main reasons that people go into debt (and consequently cannot even attempt to save money) is that they buy things that they can’t afford, by putting it on their credit card (bad, bad move). Even if you can eventually pay off the debt, the extra money that you had paid in interest will mean that you’ve paid more for the item than it was even worth in the first place.

Save money, then pay off debt. “Save up enough money to pay off my debts”, you ask? “Yes,” I answer! Start by figuring out how much debt you need to pay off, and then calculate how much you will need to save each paycheck in order to pay it off in a reasonable amount of time (don’t forget to calculate in the interest). Once you’ve gotten yourself out of the red, you can finally start working your way towards a healthy degree of savings.

Even the most responsible, intelligent and practical people on this earth can sometimes get overwhelmed by their finances (see, you’re not the only one). So if you’re one of those people who can never seem to save enough money, don’t worry! You are not alone. No matter how bad your savings habits are, there is always hope. And while it may take some drastic changes to your lifestyle, the steps I went over can really help you on your path to better savings goals.

Remember this: the temporary thrill that you get from spending money can’t compare to the pure satisfaction and sense of accomplishment that you’ll feel when you look at your bank account and see all the money you’ve been able to save.

The road to financial recovery will take total commitment from you. You’ll have to decide that you want to be debt-free. Then you have to find the discipline to take the necessary steps to paying off your debts. You, and only you, can determine if you are willing right now to make the sacrifices it takes to achieve this goal. Go ahead: do it and feel better about yourself!

This post, along with more great content, is available at MoneyRemix.

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What is up with my internet connection today …

I can’t do this, and I can’t do that (by this I mean watch streaming video highlights of the games last night, and by that … ah, forget about that… it’s personal [the online doctor said I’ll be alright. LOL])! I haven’t really been able to surf the web as easily as I’m used to doing and this weekly review has taken me much longer than usual. Now, keeping this in mind, please note that I put a lot of timely effort into it, but the ROI (read: amount of time it took me vs. the enjoyment you’ll get out of it) might not be exactly up to par. However, if you do wind up enjoying yourself, please disregard this drawn out disclaimer!

Well, here they go … in all their glory (for what it’s worth):

THE BUSINESS INSIDER: Buffett: First Stimulus Was Like Viagra Mixed With Candy. How the hell is this old fart supposed to know what Viagra feels like, mixed with candy? Oh, I see … because he’s old, just like his old ideas! Hey Buffett: second stimulus you say? You’re full of s@#t and ploys to make money off of people’s suffering … that’s what I say!

Gear Live: Amazon drops price of Kindle 2 by 16% to $299. Oh, you didn’t hear the latest? I have a crystal ball and it’s telling me that you’ll be able to pick up one of these crappy things up for under $100 in a few months. Really, who wants to lug this hunk of junk around with them? Make it smaller Amazon … make it smaller!

FRESNOBEEHIVE.COM: Season six “Project Runway” designers announced. Now that I have cable running to all three of the TVs in my house, I no longer have to watch this type of garbage (my wife has just lost her stranglehold on the remote control … Woo Hoo!). As I recall, this show only has one thing going for it: Heidi Klum (NIIICCCEE!).

Engadget: T. Boone Pickens scouting new home for $2 billion wind farm. Didn’t I just tell you three articles up that old people don’t know s@#t (LOL)? This billionaire moron’s plans aren’t going anywhere! Wind? Really? How Are YOU going to make money off of this silly idea (Lord knows that’s all that’s running around that shallow, greedy head of yours)?

FiveThirtyEight: Is Obama Improving America’s Global Image? Not to detract from how swell of a job I think our Commander in Chief is doing lately, but in all actuality a talking turd could give America a better global image that that last clown and his sorry ass den of thieves! Seriously … a talking turd!

Were you just entertained by any of this (please be honest. I can take it [up to a certain point, I should add here. I’m a Pisces … what can I say?])? I’d love a “YES”, but if you say “NO”, I won’t crack (well not in front of everyone else here at the office. Maybe later. In the restroom. LOL). Let me know what you truly think through my feedback section! This way we’ll be more like pals than some of those fake friendships we all find ourselves in from time to time. I’m a straight shooter, and I wouldn’t talk crap behind your back (unlike Mark in Accounting … that freaking jerk!). I love to know what my customers like to read, so that I can write it for them!

And if you haven’t yet, please subscribe to my daily feed or email! This way I can send you instant notifications of all my latest posts, which are worked on each Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday (I’ll stop here, because I don’t play that weekend jive-turkey nonsense. Those are my fun, footloose and fancy-free days).

Ok, I’ll see you back here on Monday … I’m going to chill out for a couple of days. Man, I need it after that long last weekend of moving my junk from one house to another! Well, have yourself a great weekend!

This post, along with more great content, is available at MoneyRemix.

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