One thing I’ve noticed among some women is a tendency either to prematurely assume that they’re having a “relationship” with a man despite evidence to the contrary, or to push for the guy to commit to having a relationship with them when all they’re doing is just dating.

That got me to thinking about what women should be looking for when they start feeling the urge to label what’s going on between them and a guy they’ve been seeing. Here’s what I came up with, between research and my own common sense:

• Four Month Minimum
• Frequency, Consistency, and Escalation
• Mutual Exclusivity
• Existence and Expression of Love
• Endurance Factor

Four Month Minimum

Most people in the first few months of dating can do a fairly good job of presenting themselves in a positive light, and so (to paraphrase from Chris Rock, I think), you’re not dating them, you’re dating their ambassador. Also, you’re perfectly willing to accept their ambassador at face value, because, in the early days and weeks of getting to know a potential partner, you’re predisposed to seeing only their positive traits.

As Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil describes in her book “Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples“, there are eight stages of relationships, and the first of these is the Euphoria Stage:

During the Euphoria Stage we are virtually blind to each other’s negative traits. We’re driven with our heart and our hormones, not our heads. We can’t make wise choices under these circumstances.

Since the Euphoria stage will typically last anywhere from three to six months, you’re jumping the gun if you start thinking in terms of a relationship during the first three months of seeing someone. Anyone can behave for a few hours at a time in the short-term. It’s only with passing time that people start to reveal who they are, and it’s only with passing time that our rose-colored glasses fade enough to see what they are showing us.

So, until you’ve been seeing him regularly and consistently for at least a four month period, don’t get ahead of yourself: you are still just dating, not in a relationship!

Frequency, Consistency, and Escalation

Even if you’ve been seeing each other for four months already, you also have to consider:

• how much time you’ve actually spent together since meeting
• how frequently and consistently you speak to and see each other
• whether or not the frequency and consistency has increased over time

If you’ve only seen each other a handful of times during the last four months, and hardly converse with one another during the in-between periods, you’re dating – but barely!

If you don’t speak daily, but see each other at least once or twice a week, you’re still just dating.

If you’ve progressed to where you speak to each other daily, see each other two to three times a week (or more), and have a mutual expectation that certain days (like weekends) will always be spent together, then you’re not just dating, you’re developing a relationship.

If you speak to each other daily, aren’t able to see each other more than perhaps once or twice a week due to other obligations (like business travel, or one or both of you has children), but still make an effort to get together as often as possible, I’d say you’re in good shape there too.

If you go days or weeks without speaking to each other, only see each other once a month, or once every two weeks, and aren’t making any efforts to increase the frequency of that pattern, then you’re not only not in a relationship, you’re not even moving toward one! You’re probably engaging in nothing more than a “friends with benefits” arrangement.

Mutual Exclusivity

Have you had a conversation in which you both willingly and happily agreed to be exclusive?¹

Have you stopped seeing other men, while he continues to see other women? (And why on earth did you do that? Get your ass back out there and date until he begs you to stop!)

If one or both of you are still seeing (not to mention sleeping with) other people, you are not in a relationship!

Existence and Expression of Love

If you’re in love with him, but he’s not in love with you, you do not have a relationship.

If you’re in love with him, but don’t know if he’s in love with you, you do not have a relationship.

Some women will try to piece together clues about a man’s feelings in order to determine whether he is in love. While you can probably get a reasonable idea of how he might feel, you can’t rely on this too much because it’s an interpretation which is heavily influenced by your desire to be loved by him. So, it’s rather important that he has actually expressed his love to you in his own words in order for you to be absolutely sure.

Since every man has a different comfort level with emotional expression, it may not be something he says every day or even every week after it initially comes out; but if his feelings for you are significant in any way, he will want to make sure you know that your status in his life is beyond the casual.

Endurance Factor

When we are in Euphoria, we are blinded by our infatuation and fooled by the popular belief that this surge of emotions and hormones is love.

Remember that the Euphoria Stage can last anywhere from three to six months. After it ends, you each start to relax and expose more of yourselves to one another; you start losing the blinders; you regain your ability to make wise choices; and you aren’t as affected by those surging hormones.

So, even if you’ve both already said “I love you”, the reality is you might have simply been fooled by infatuation fueled by lust. It’s what happens after the infatuation glow recedes, and how the two of you handle your new “vision”, which begins to shine light on the truth of your feelings for one another.

Love takes time to develop, and it endures over time once it blooms, even in the face of discovering your partner’s imperfections and quirks. Until you’ve been with each other for close to a year, love – and the relationship that comes with it – may not be there just yet.

So, there you have it. How does your “relationship” stack up?

¹While I’m not a proponent of women initiating “The Talk” with a man, if he hasn’t brought it up himself by the end of the fourth month, I’d probably start becoming concerned. And if it’s been six months, I’d be very concerned!

When a relationship ends, women often spend a great deal of time asking themselves “Why?” and wondering if there is something inherently wrong with them which makes finding love so difficult. Here’s some useful wisdom that you can apply during those times when you start to question yourself in this way:

Don’t ask why. Ask what. What do you want from a man who loves you? And what did you get instead? That is all you need to know. Think about it. When you were dreaming about Mr. Right, did he forget to call you for weeks on end? Did he see other women? Did he spend more time with his buddies drinking beer and shooting pool than with you? Of course not. So he can’t be all that “right” for you, can he? Your dream man would never treat you so badly. So it follows that you should never let a real-life man treat you so badly either.

It’s time to see him as he is – Mr Wrong – not as you want him to be. Remember to look at his behavior as information about him, not as information about you. What did the behavior reveal about his attitudes, considerations, or intelligence? Was he as “ideal” as you had imagined? If you had not been the woman involved, what would you have thought of his behavior?

Does all this mean we should never work on ourselves at all? Of course not. But here’s the rule: make changes only to make yourself happy – not to get the guy or so that the next guy will find you more lovable. And at the very least, every time you don’t become some man’s loved one, make sure you treat yourself as your own loved one. Take good care of yourself until your perspective and energy are restored. Treat yourself just as you would have liked him to treat you. Reassure yourself that you are worth it. And don’t ask why. The only explanation you need is it’s not you, it’s him.

(From It’s Not You, It’s Him: The Zero-Tolerance Approach to Dating)

I first twittered this in five parts, but decided to post it here for the sake of permanency:

I received a picture text from a hot young cub I’ve not heard from in weeks (because he tripped my Bitch Switch on our last date).

The message was a shot of his penis, along with a note: “You didnt come and get your present…so im sending it to u :)”

My BlackBerry revealed that this was a mass text, sent to me and EIGHT other numbers! Nice move, jackass!

So, I decided to bust his balls, and replied ‘TO ALL’: “Wow one present for all nine of us! Should we blame the recession?”

His response: “Had to do some cut backs used to b more, now just 9, one for every inch :)”

Over on Baggage Reclaim, a reader, Kim2, posted this comment:

Why do we waste time with men like this?…I believe it is low self-esteem and low expectations but I don’t know how to correct that. How to get so proud of yourself and respect yourself enough to not waste time on jerks.

Here’s my answer, and it’s surprisingly simple:

You just make the decision not to waste time on jerks, and act on that decision when you are faced with one!

When you waste time on a jerk, do you feel proud of yourself?

When you waste time on a jerk, do you respect yourself?

Of course you don’t! It’s a vicious loop and the way you escape it is to break your participation in the perpetuation of the loop. You develop high self-esteem and high expectations by acting like a woman who has these things already – and a woman who has these things already would not waste time on jerks!

A woman who has high self-esteem would laugh in the face of a man who treated her poorly. So laugh in his face.

A woman who has high expectations would walk away from a man who treated her poorly. So walk away.

Would a woman with high self-esteem call up a man who left her, crying and begging for him to return? No, she would not…so hang up the damn phone!!

Would a woman with high expectations keep seeing a man who is seeing another woman? No, she would not…so tell him “You can’t have us both, I’m outta here.” and then get the hell outta there!

The foundations of self-esteem and self-love, and the forming of high expectations, are all based, in whole or in part, on what behavior you will tolerate, whether from yourself or others. If you are willing to tolerate poor treatment from others, then that sends a powerful message to your own psyche about your self-worth.

Furthermore, you are not only being treated badly by them, but by putting up with it, you are guilty of self-abuse. You become a willing participant in your own mistreatment!!

Fortunately, the opposite effect is also true: if you refuse to put up with nonsense, you are sending your psyche a message that you love yourself too much to put up with it. And the less you put up with it, the more you will come to feel love for yourself, and the less you’ll put up with it! You’ve just broken the old cycle and created a new one!

So, stop worrying about his behavior so damned much, and focus on your own. Stop asking yourself “Why do I put up with jerks?” and simply stop putting up with them.

Vow today that you will start acting like a woman with high self-esteem would act. If you start to act as if you already have confidence, self-esteem, and self-love, pretty soon, you’ll find that you do have all of these things for real.

I focus on myself, my life, my work, my hobbies.

I want someone to share my life with, but I’m not consumed by their absence from it.

Life is good, though perhaps not great. I am happy. I love myself.

Then you come along.

Suddenly, all I can think about is you. Happy, lucky, optimistic thoughts about what we might become together.

My focus shifts to you. What can I do to give you what you want and need to be happy (with me)?

I stop loving me, and start loving you.

I stop relying on myself for contentment and happiness, and start relying on you for these things.

I abandon myself, and I want you to abandon yourself (to attend to me)!

My focus turns to what I think I should be getting from you, and how unhappy I am that I’m not getting what I need (anymore).

Your focus is on you, your life, your work, your hobbies.

And I find myself waiting, waiting, waiting for you to give your focus (and love) to me.

I become increasingly frustrated, obsessed with getting what I need (from you). I start to shut down, become angry and resentful.

Because I am no longer the happy, independent woman who attracted you initially, you start to withdraw.

Because I can (by now) recognize the signs of a man’s impending departure, I withdraw as well.

Either you leave, or I leave, or we both leave; and our relationship is no more.

I feel abandoned and unloved.

Healing takes time, but eventually, I remember who I was before you came along.

I focus on myself, my life, my work, my hobbies.

I want someone to share my life with, but I’m not consumed by their absence from it.

Life is good, though perhaps not great. I am happy. I love myself.

I had love and happiness when we started; I have them back again now that we are through.

So, where did they go during our time together?

The light bulb turns on.

My fear of abandonment has nothing to do with you, or the man before you, or the one before him, or the one before the one before him.

It has everything to do with where I look for what I need and want, for what will make me feel loved, for what will make me happy.

When I am not in a relationship, I look inside myself for these things.

When I am in a relationship, I look outside myself for these things.

You didn’t take these things from me; I gave them up, expecting you to take over my job.

You didn’t abandon me; I abandoned myself, long before you were out of the picture.

Totally representing where I’m at these days:

Finally, someone has put a name to my personal texting pet peeve:

The Dangling Text: Nothing leaves someone to ponder their last correspondence more than the dangling text…it’s just out there cavorting amongst the airwaves unattended and unanswered. Whilst engaging in digital banter, keeping the pace is imperative. If you must abruptly return to the board meeting or tend to the whipper snappers, send a polite “/text” to inform your cohort that your attention is needed elsewhere and you will resume at a more convenient time. Not doing so is as rude as hanging up without saying good-bye…and that’s not okay either! (Eve-101)

I feel the same way about IM conversations where the other person just “hangs up” in the middle. Grrrrr! Rude!!

This conversation took place entirely by text message.

MB: How’s work?
EC: Good Hows it going
MB: Good here. Just relaxing.
EC: Hey what are YOU doing tomorrow
MB: I think my oldest son is coming to visit. Then every Sunday night I go to Cantina Laredo with a friend. What are YOU doing tomorrow?
EC: You
MB: ???
EC: I am doing you :-)

Ummmmmm. Oh really? Says who, you moron? So I turn to sarcasm, which sails riiiiiiight over his head and outta the ballpark:

MB: Well be sure and let me know it turns out. ;-)
EC: So you had complaints before???

*thud*

MB: One guy came too fast and he said it was my fault for moving too much. Does that count? But that wasn’t what I meant, silly.
EC: Yea cause you in for guys who never get it and they cum to fast get a man thats been there done that so he can last
EC: Like myself
MB: Oh is that the secret?
EC: You Havent figured that out yet and they so when you get older your :)
MB: Now your sentences don’t make sense lol. How do you know what I have and haven’t figured out? Hahaha
EC: Cause you men you choose are desperate and cum to fast
MB: That was ONE man. Others have done MUCH better than he.
EC: Lol sure :)

At this point, I was tempted to tell him just exactly HOW PHENOMENAL sex with my most recent lover had been — in excruciating, glorious, multi-orgasmic, soaked-sheet detail — and end it with a “there’s absolutely no doubt in my mind that you’d never in a million years be able to outdo him – NEVER.” But oddly enough, I felt that doing so would be to abuse the memory of such fantastic sex. Plus, I suspected he wouldn’t even have believed me anyway, which would only irritate me all the more. So, I stuck to sarcasm:

MB: Want their numbers? :)
EC: Yea cause you didnt enjoy it and your on a search for a good one
MB: Now you’re just talking outta your ass lol
EC: Yea you will see im an not
MB: In my experience the ones who feel the need to brag about how good they are tend to be the worst at actually doing it. ;-)
EC: I never once bragged just told you about what you pick
MB: But you don’t know anything about what I pick. Bad sex has NOT been the issue. Not even close.
EC: Well if a guy comes to fast with you what else do I need to know :)

By this point, I’m completely agitated by both his arrogance AND his typos – if he’s this much of a tool before he’s even met me AND when he should be on his best behavior, I can’t imagine what he’d be like after the new wears off. Asshole much?

So, I say nothing further to him in reply. Being the insightful intellectual that he was, he didn’t take the hint too well, and sent another text a few hours later, at 1:30 in the morning no less:

EC: Hey are YOU up

Why yes, yes I was, but there was no way in hell I was about to tell him that. And when he called me two days later, and texted me a couple more times after that, I could have cared less. Meh.

Woman (sarcastically): I'm sorry, I'm such a bitch.
Man: Hmm…
Woman: You think I'm a bitch, don't you?
Man: I didn't say that.
Woman: You didn't disagree with me.
Man: You know yourself better than I do.
Woman: I can't believe you called me a bitch.
Man: I didn't call you a bitch, you called yourself a bitch.
Woman: But you didn't tell me I'm not a bitch.
Man: Because you're acting like a bitch.
Woman: See? You think I'm a bitch!
Man: I said you were acting like a bitch.
Woman: Whats the difference?
Man: Dustin Hoffman acted like a retard, but it doesn't mean he is one.
Woman: I don't know what that's supposed to mean, but you're a dick for thinking I'm a bitch.
Man: Do you mean I'm acting like a dick or I am a dick?
Woman: Fuck you! (storms out)
Man: Too easy. Caramel Macchiato please!

(via Overheard Everywhere)