(It’s my last month on Baby’s First Year, sad right?)

• I reviewed more than a dozen different brands of cloth diapers and had the pleasure of writing Babble’s Best Cloth Diapers of 2012 (It was WAY more intense that the baby bottle and diaper pail one. Phew!) I also wrote about the world of cloth diapering according to me.

• I’m in a seriously dirty relationship. Downright repulsive at times.

• 10 things my baby hates about you. (If you only read one, this is the one, GRUMPY VIVI FACES!)

• Let’s talk about our periods and then get misty about how much we love our mom friends!

• Selfish, lazy and convenient parenting, dude, you’re right, attachment parenting sounds way better.

• Pound for pound, Vivi eats more than a teenage boy. It’s disconcerting.

We had both done things on our own to screw up our relationship and all of those things acted as wedges that pushed us farther and farther apart until we barely even recognized each other despite the fact that we slept in the same bed every night. We could go days without speaking to each other and being sent away for weeks at a time with Addie while he studied for finals seemed perfectly normal. Once we moved to Indiana I learned not to rely on him, school was his first priority and we had agreed to simply stick it out until the end, after all, it was only three years.

Addie and I did everything together. I don’t remember doing many things with Cody that didn’t involve mundane errands on Saturday or church on Sunday. The truth is he was gone all. the. time. so I pushed my way through the loneliness knowing that he was doing it for us and for our future, but I felt abandoned. “He was working hard for us. He was putting in his time now to give us a better future later. This is how he shows his love, he could be a complete deadbeat.” Is what I would tell myself.

I did everything for and with Addie. She was my entire world and I was hers for those three years. She never really expected her dad to be around which was good, because he wasn’t. Cody and Addie have always loved each other fiercely, but he missed out on a grand majority of her life because of school and work. It becomes more and more evident how much he missed as he sees Vivi grow and change.

I can tell it hurts parts of him he doesn’t want to talk about that he missed so much of Addie’s baby and childhood.

I took care of everything because that was my job. His job was to get good grades and get through school, I did everything in my power to make school as easy as possible for him. I wanted more kids, but more than anything I wanted a husband, my husband. I wanted him to notice me and everything I did, I did desperately seeking his approval. When it came to a point where I couldn’t get his attention I became more and more entrenched in the online world. I had friends that lived in the computer that understood me. They liked me. They said nice things to me. They said I looked pretty and they offered words of comfort and condolence when I was down. I was never alone as long as I had a computer and an Internet connection nearby. I began to ignore Cody more and more, our lives became even more distant from the marriage we had once had until finally I decided I could do just fine without him. If he wasn’t going to tell me the things I needed and wanted to hear, I was going to go out and find someone who would.

I had been alone for three years, alone was familiar, being ignored hurt.

He kept promising me that one day things would get better. “After this semester, things will get better. After this year, things will get better. Once law review is over, things will get better. After I graduate, things will get better. Once I’m done with the bar, things will get better.”

Things never got better, and I kept waiting for that magical day when things would, in fact, get better. We wasted three years of our lives together waiting on things to get better, they never did until I decided to leave. I had a plan. I had an escape route. I pulled him aside one Sunday and said “I’m leaving you.” I could tell it hit him from out of nowhere. He truly believed we were fine.

He didn’t get angry. He didn’t beg. He didn’t try to reason with me.

He saw that I had been beaten weary by the last three years of waiting and that I couldn’t stand to be alone and ignored anymore. I had every right to leave, he had every right to tell me to.

But he didn’t. He promised me that from that moment forward I would never go a day without knowing how much he loved me.

We spent much of the next three months in silent recovery. Both scared that one or the other of us would change our minds and leave. We talked about everything, about what a disappointment I must be to him that I couldn’t give him the big family he wanted. He talked about how that didn’t matter, that Addie and I mattered and that more kids wasn’t something I needed to worry about, we needed to worry about saving us and doing everything possible to make that happen.

We moved from our apartment into a hotel for a month as our home was being finished. We decided we’d hash it all out in the hotel, leave it all there and start new in our first home together. We got in a fight one night, shortly after moving in, or perhaps when I was pregnant. I realized that this isn’t  what we do or who we are. I can remember looking up at him screaming “WE DON’T DO THIS HERE! THIS HOME IS OUR SAFE PLACE! WE DON’T FIGHT HERE!” It ended then and we haven’t fought here (or anywhere) since.

I got my husband back in late 2009 and he got his wife back around the same time. We had made it. We had survived the horrible ugly that is the near end of a relationship built on love. We started over. Things are equal now. Things are discussed. Family comes first and as soon as Vivi came into our lives it’s as though she sealed all the cracks shut between the three of us who had been wandering through life without her for the last decade.

I have a good life. I have the best husband I could have ever asked for, I thought I was in love on June 16, 2001. But as I sit here today I am more in love with him and us together than I ever have been in my entire life. We are so good together. We still have our stumbles here and there, he’s learning to be the dad he wasn’t for the first 6 years and I’m learning to be comfortable in my own skin and reveling in how far we’ve come.

If there’s someone or something worth fighting for, fight with all you have. Believe that you are worth fighting for as well. You deserve all the happiness life can give you despite the horrible pains and disappointments that will be handed to you along the way. Without the dark we wouldn’t have light. Without the bitter we wouldn’t have the sweet. Without pain we wouldn’t have the relief of eventually collapsing into love and finally, for the first time, feeling like we can catch our breath and be ourselves.

So after six years, here it is. What kind of camera you should get (according to me.) I add the according to me part because I am only fluent in Canon (I don’t speak a lick of Nikon) and because my mama raised me that you invest in equipment if you’re serious, which I am. Of course I can hand out advice for those who are not as serious, but know that I am a bit of a camera snob. I’m also a flip flop snob. I would rather get a pair of $40 Born flip flops that will be comfortable and last me for several years than a $1 pair from Old Navy that will give me shin splints and only last for one summer. (No offense Old Navy flip flops, I still like you for the gym and the pool!)

by Shireen

Photography is not a cheap hobby if you really want to take it seriously. Expensive equipment won’t make you better, but learning how to use what you have properly and upgrading from there will help. Just like a super fancy stove won’t instantly make you a good cook, it can make cooking easier once you know how to cook. Make sense? I’m all about the analogies lately.

POINT AND SHOOTS

So you just need a camera that’s slightly better than your phone but not a huge investment? Deal, however my advice on this is kind of lame. I’m going to ask you to go to a store and mess with the three dozen different options. If you know what’s most important to you and you are able to go to a legit camera store, they’ll be able to help you with your decision. (Most important for me with a point and shoot is fast start up and having it actually take the picture right when I click the shutter. I also like a good macro (close up) setting.) Currently I use a $160 Kodak Easy Share that does well enough, in the past I’ve really liked Casios. I’ve found that with Canon point and shoots they attempt to make a little camera do too much. In my mind a point and shoot should do just that, point and shoot – leaving you with the best photo possible in whatever situation you happen to be in.

If you’re looking for something a little fancier but not quite ready for a DSLR I would suggest a Canon PowerShot SX20IS camera. Bigger than a point and shoot but smaller (and much cheaper) than a DLSR, these cameras have almost all the capabilities of a DSLR without the need to change lenses. My mother in law has one and I would own one if I could justify such a thing. It can take amazing macros, take good wide angles and has a really good zoom. The f/stop is a 2.8, which to get a DSLR lens an f/stop of 2.8 you’ll have to pay at least $1K (except for the 50mm.) At under $500 the Canon SX20IS will let you take really good photos (it has good ‘dummy buttons’ as my step mom calls them) and have the ability to control the settings when you’re ready to learn more, all without making a huge investment.

MICRO DSLR (Four Thirds Interchangeable Lens Cameras)

These are kind of new. Maybe. They’re they size of point and shoots with interchangeable lenses. Some people like them, I am not one of them. The lenses can cost as much as DSLR lenses and don’t really have that great of range. The most popular is the Olympus PEN camera, I borrowed one for a month and was never satisfied with it. Very clunky and not nearly as convenient as it was marketed to be. That being said, some people really do love the things, if you’re interested see if you can borrow one first or make sure wherever you buy it from has a good return policy, just in case.

DSLR (Digital Single Lens Reflex)

So you think you’re ready to make the jump into a DSLR? Good for you! Please remember I only speak Canon, so before you go taking my advice go to a reputable camera store and hold both a Canon and Nikon in your hands. Which one feels better to you? There are other brands of DSLRs available but for convenience, let’s just keep it to Canon and Nikon for now. Thankfully almost everything Canon has, Nikon has a comparable equivalent, I just don’t know the Nikon lingo.

I need to work on fitting back into those jeans.

The most current and basic DSLR (at the time that I write this) is the Canon t3i, the body alone is around $600 depending on where you buy it. You can get kits that come with a kit lens and this is where my camera/flip flop snobbery comes in. Yes. The kit lens is only about $150 more, but it’s not going to take you very far and you’re going to get very frustrated with it if you intend on taking this photo thing seriously. If you do get better and someday want to upgrade that kit lens is going to be $15o of dead weight that you’ll never be able to unload. IF IT WERE ME, I would get just the t3i body and the 50mm f/1.4 ($370.) I would practice and practice and learn what I like THEN add another lens depending on what I wanted. Wider angle? More macro ability? Better zoom? I’d also rent or borrow the lens I was considering for a week before really making the leap (especially if it was a super expensive one.) I have a $500 zoom lens and a $1,700 wide angle zoom and I swear to you I use my 50mm 90% of the time. (I also wish I would have gotten the 15-35 f/2.8L instead of the 24-70 f/2.8L, FYI.) It’s worth it to save up for a few extra months to get something that will last that you really want.

The next level of Canon camera bodies are-

• 60D – $899 (body only) Faster shutter speed and faster continuous shooting than t3i (the new 60Da has an infrared sensor…which is cool, but not really worth the extra $600 unless you dig infrared photography.)

• 7D – $1,549 (body only) Faster shutter speed and faster continuous shooting than 60D

• 5D – $3,499 (body only) Higher megapixels and full format (meaning it actually takes 4 x 6 photos rather than having to do an awkward crop.)

I had a 40D before which served me well for five years until I outgrew the ISO and bought a 7D in January. I could really care less about the video capabilities, but that seems to be the norm on most cameras these days.

LENSES

Kit lenses (the ones that come in the box or with a “kit” or “set” on Amazon or in the store) don’t bother with them if you can avoid it (see above.) I know this is the not possible for everyone starting out (what do you mean money doesn’t grow on trees?) but it is my advice to everyone. Just something to keep in mind.

My 40D and 17-85 f/4-5.6 IS, the good ol’ days.

The smaller the number the more stuff you’ll be able to get in one frame. The bigger the number the farther it can/does/will zoom. The widest lens I have is 24mm. The longest one I have is 300mm. This post shows the focal lengths of Canon lenses. (See the red bands on all of her lenses? That means they’re L-series, which means they’re made of really good glass and that they’re really expensive. Here’s a post about L-Series lenses.) If you like shooting people, here’s a visual on using different focal lengths when shooting people.

Check out the difference between these two photos:

This one was taken with my 24-70, I was using an off camera flash (another thing for another day) but see how the bushes behind her aren’t very out of focus?

This one was taken with my 70-300, I was standing so far from her I had to practically yell at her to move the way I wanted her to, but see how much better the background blurred even though the f/stop is so much higher? Standing back and zooming in let me get a lovely blurred background without having to use a thousand dollar low f/stop lens. It’s a great way to “game” the lens you have to get the effect you want.

Before I had my 50mm f/1.4 I had a 50mm f/1.8 ($100) and before my 28-70mm f/2.8 I had a 17-85mm f/4-5.6 IS ($599) and I’ve always had a 70-300mm f/4-5.6 IS ($450.) I miss the wide angle of my 17-85mm sometimes. The next lens I’d like to get is either a 60mm f/2.8 Macro ($429) or the 85mm f/1.2L  ($2,049) I feel as though I have all my basic bases covered with the lenses I do have, anything else would really just be a luxury. One lens is never going to do everything you could dream, want or desire, so you have to figure out what’s most important to you and how much you want to spend.

FLASH

You don’t need a really fancy flash. You just need something that shoots out light and can be set to a manual setting. I have the 430EXII ($279) which is probably a little more flash than I need but I bought it before I knew that more money doesn’t make a better flash. If you want to go off camera there’s several different ways to do it (I use a Pocket Wizard.) A lot of people poo poo flash which is what I used to do, but natural light isn’t always available or pretty so sometimes you’re going to have to use flash. Even though you may hate it, you may as well learn how to use a flash so you can use it right when the situation arises unless you have the power to control natural light which is something I certainly don’t have.

A flash used properly.

EXTRAS

I got a battery grip for my 7D ($58.95) and LOVE IT. It allows me to have 2 batteries to power my camera (had to purchase an extra battery separately, I just got a generic) and it gives me a second vertical shutter release. I’ve had to charge my camera three times since buying it (Including the very first charge.)

Macro adapter ($50) let’s me take macro photos with my 50mm. It’s not AS NICE as a real macro lens but it’s much easier to use than an extension tube and far cheaper.

(without)

(with)

Lens filters. In case you missed it…THIS IS WHY WE USE LENS FILTERS.

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Holy crap that was a lot, and it took a really long time. I hope it helped you. If you still have more specific questions, please ask so I know what else you’d like for me to cover. If someone would like to translate this into Nikon, be my guest. xo (Also, all links to Amazon are affiliate so you can further fund my habit by enabling yours.)

But, oh!

When I do get her.

It’s like capturing her childhood and giggles in a beautiful little jar and being able to hold onto them and enjoy them whenever I want.

I told her the other afternoon that someday there would be songs written about her hair. Wonderful songs that make you want to dance and twirl until you’re dizzy and out of breath.

This wonderful little creature that I call mine is like the most spectacular puppy, long gangly limbs desperately trying to manage some sort of order as she bounds into life headfirst with nothing but love and affection for everyone and everything in her path. She still has strong opinions on managing evil fairies and the proper attire for a princess all while refining her taste in boy bands and the latest dance moves.

Every afternoon she pulls her sister into her bedroom to play. While Vivi chews on Barbie legs and and bangs teacups together, Addie orchestrates grand adventures where she is the pirate and Vivi is the shark. Sometimes Vivi plays the role of baby princess while Addie plays the grownup princess who is forced into marrying someone who is most definitely not her true love. Vivi is adorned with necklaces, crowns and capes, all of which she tears off and throws to the side. Addie never minds, she continues on in her marvelous little world of make believe where everyone falls in love and unicorns really do exist.

My friend Lisa makes magical things for magical little girls like Addie and very lucky moms like me.  And  her newest fine pewter collection makes that a reality for many more families on a budget. All the handmade beauty of her silver pieces at far more affordable prices. Sign up for her newsletter on the bottom right corner of her site for a 15% discount on your first purchase.

Addie is my star and my heart and thanks to Lisa I carry her with me wherever I go (Vivi is back there too, self portraits of necklaces are hard.)

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Giveaway closed, thanks to all who entered and congrats to BeyondNormalMom for winning!

To enter, subscribe to Lisa’s newsletter and leave me a comment telling me you did (lying gives you gas.) You can also tell me what your favorite color is if you feel like it. Mine is dark yellow at the moment. Giveaway will end at Midnight EST on Mother’s Day. Good luck!

“MOAR! MOAR PHOTO POSTS!” you cried. (Well, some of you cried, and I want to help you! I really do!)

Now that it’s summer and you’re going to be out in the bright sunlight (hopefully) a lot you need to make friends with your shutter speed and ISO.

The brighter it is outside the lower your ISO needs to be. The darker it is (usually inside) the higher your ISO needs to be. (The lower the ISO the better the color saturation and less noise/grain.)

Example:

(Seriously, no worse lighting than high noon sun, in a perfect world I would have moved them into full shade.) 55mm f/3.2 1/640 ISO 100

If it’s darker? You need to move your ISO up.

(This is in Addie’s gym with nothing but overhead florescent lights.) 300mm f/5.6 1/100 ISO 1600

Back to the bright sunlight. ISO 100.

If you keep your shutter speed too low (assuming you’re shooting on manual) your shutter will be open too long essentially blinding your camera, like flipping on a bright light to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, everything is blurry and white. If you turn your shutter speed up not only will it catch motion faster, it will retain more of the details since the shutter is essentially “blinking” much faster. Dude, I’m not even sure if that makes any sense. VISUAL!

The first shot my camera said “WHOA! TOO BRIGHT! CAN’T PROCESS SO MUCH LIGHT!” and way overexposed. By making the shutter speed faster I was able to retain more detail and avoid overexposure. Shutter speed also controls how well motion freezes. The higher the shutter speed the better the freeze. The lower, the more blurry moving objects tend to be.

50mm f/2.5 1/160 ISO 1000 (ISO was high because it was a very overcast day, I wanted to keep all of his face in focus which is why I didn’t drop my f/stop into the 1′s to make it possible to lower my ISO.)

50mm f/2.2 1/800 ISO 200

Here’s the deal and something I had to learn the hard way, there’s no way to get everything you want out of a single camera or a single lens for a decent price. Even if you have heaps and gobs of money to spend you’re still not going to be able to have one “end all be all” set up. You have to choose what’s most important to you and base your purchases off of that and learn to game the other things you have into doing what you want (more on that later.) You’re not going to be able to get a sharp photo of a cat launching off the couch indoors in poor light without a flash, and if you use a flash you’re most likely going to compromise the depth of field (blur.) You’re also not going to ever find a lens that can take a really close up macro of a flower then zoom across the street to take a photo of your kid’s face riding their bike. You’ll discover as you get better at this photography thing that you’ll wish your camera or lens did something just a little different. I know with my zoom lens I wish I had a lower f/stop so it worked better in low light. Sure enough, there’s a zoom lens with a lower f/stop but it’s $1K more, weighs 9 pounds and is the size of a small keg, so I make my 70-300 f/5.6 IS do what I need it to do as well as it can do it and I realize there are some shots I just won’t ever get with it.

The best thing I can tell you to do is mess with your camera. Mess with it until your family asks if it’s broken because you’re fiddling with it so much. Turn the ISO up, turn it  down, then move the shutter speed around and see what happens. Soon the strange choreographed dance between ISO, f/stop and shutter speed will begin to make sense (I’m 6 months in and it’s just barely starting to click, full disclosure.)

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Tomorrow night (May 10th 8pm EST) Clickin’ Moms is hosting a twitter party around the new book “Beyond Snapshots” which is all about getting your camera off the green square “Cody” setting and onto bigger and better things. There will be prizes (so many prizes!) and you’ll be able to ask questions (so many questions!) I’ll be there, snooping around, answering what I can. Perhaps you’ll join us? Find out more from Jill (and see the prizes!) and RSVP if you think you can make it.

As usual, my offer still stands of a free trial or 20% off a membership to Clickin’ Moms.

Get a free trial with the code ‘MOOSHTRIAL’

Get 20% off with the code ‘MOOSH20′

Hope to see you tomorrow night ’round the twitters!

Thanks to Clickin’ Moms for having me as an ambassador and providing me with a membership to the Clickin’ Moms forums. All links to Clickin’ Moms are affiliate.

Then I looked back at these:

Then I did the ugly cry because I KEPT WATCHING IT.

But I do have to wonder if those Olympic moms ever had to tell their kids not to stick toys in their baby sister’s butt cheeks when they were in the bathtub together.

P&G left that part out.

I have the stamina necessary to pack a 25 pound baby everywhere and carry a massive camera around.

Athletic? Nope. Not so much.

Vivi and I? We enjoy our downtime.

Then there’s these other people we live with.

You know, that guy over there who ran a half marathon after training for…well. He didn’t train, he says he trained for four days but what that really means is he called me on Tuesday and said “Hey, what are we doing Saturday?” when I said nothing, he then said “I think I’m going to run the Mini.”

And then he did.

He finished in a totally average time and even more impressive? He didn’t die. Hooray! He mapped out a very detailed “Pre-Race Checklist” which included “Prevent bloody nipples.” Considering running a half marathon this weekend? Check out Cody’s four day couch to 13.1 mile training plan.

Then there’s this other kid, who obviously takes after her dad.

See that giant rope hanging from the ceiling in the middle of Addie’s giant gym?

THIS IS ADDIE CLIMBING IT (to the top) USING ONLY HER ARMS.

Seriously.

I’ve gotten at least 4 stars on every song in Just Dance 3, I dare say more than half are 5 stars. *bows*

I’m really proud of these two.

Cody’s recruiting people to run the Mini with him next year, when his secretary asked “Is Casey going to do it?” Cody replied “Casey doesn’t run.” to which I responded “I run away from bears.”

Cody then offered to dress in a full bear suit and chase me through the streets of Indianapolis so I’d run the Mini. He even offered to growl, he also said there was a very good chance we’d make it on TV.

I’m still considering his offer.

Whew! Two birthdays a bit of depression (I’m feeling much better!) can make a girl fall behind. Sorry about that. Cody’s still been chugging away at his new found blogging hobby and is out of his mind with worry and stress about pageviews! ZOMG THE PAGEVIEWS! I had to sit in a parking lot and talk him down from a ledge about the pageviews. THE PAGEVIEWS! Poor guy. (Curious about what’s with all the slideshows? WHY SO MANY SLIDESHOWS!? Here’s why.)

• “Dude, your husband. He’s not a very social guy, WHY IS HE BLOGGING?” I know, right? Turns out he has a few reasons and it’s really been a learning experience for him (blogging, NOT LIKE LAWYERING AT ALL.) Here’s a few reasons why he’s doing it (and despite one “helpful” commenter, it’s not for ‘egocentric motivations.’ Check out Cody’s response. HE’S ALL MINE PEOPLE.)

• Turns out I have the cross examination skills of a seasoned lawyer, all from motherhood. I’ve never seen Cody more impressed with my existence.

• When Cody found out I was pregnant with Vivi the first word out of his mouth was a very loud “No!” (Here’s why.)

• I’m very well aware that there are times Cody needs to chill the hell out and thankfully he’s got plenty of ways to do just that. (Two of them involve me, one of those two involve making out with me. *ehem*)

• The importance of pain, and also the importance of our girls participating in sports.

• Have you ever used your kids to bully another adult? Addie became a pawn in a gross neighborhood game of tattletale.

• Ever wonder what family vacations with a history major/nerd would be like? Here’s 20 historical places he’s determined to drag us to take us as a family no matter how much we kick, scream and demand the beach. (See also: Watching movies with history majors/nerds is truly awful sometimes.)

• Try not to be jealous of these delicious culinary treats that Cody prepares on occasion as he rounds up 15 meals any dude can make for his lady friend on Mother’s Day, maybe circle one and send it to your husband so you don’t end up with boxed mashed potatoes like I did one year? (His cheeseburgers really are quite delicious.)

• I spank, Cody was spanked, we all spank naughty kids (of our own) when all the other options have been exhausted.

So Vivi doesn’t really like cake. Or balloons.

But she ate enough Mexican food at lunch to convince me that she is in fact my daughter.

She had a wonderfully simple birthday.

Her friends sang her Happy Birthday, something Addie has always hated.

Vivi seemed pretty thrilled with the whole idea.

Thank you for all the birthday wishes. One day I’ll be able share with her how many people have loved her since before she was even born.

Cake from 111 Cakery, inspired by Sweetapolita. White dress from Target, floral jumper from Paulina Quintana via Zulily.

I was going to post my favorite photos of Vivi.

Problem is I could only narrow it down to 103, that was after narrowing it down from 430.

I don’t care how much you like me or my baby, no one wants to wait for 103 photos to load.

So I put them into a video. You’re welcome, for Vivi’s birthday you get to wait for a video to load instead.

Cant’ see the video? Click here.

You guys? My baby is one.

Holy crap.

Here’s a few posts about Vivi’s first month, it’s been hard, but it’s been so worth it.

Here’s Vivi’s introduction to the world.

The one about my heart nearly exploding.

The one where a tiny miracle outdoes the biggest plans.