“The world is a very tough place Gladysita,” she would say, “You have to be…Tough.”

And like any immigrant mom, she had ideas—her ideas—of what success meant, which was for me to be a doctor or lawyer.

She always believed in me, though, and never stopped even when I felt broken and, for many years, a disappointment.

Though I didn’t live up to her occupational aspirations, I Pushed Through. Whenever I fell, I got back up. Whenever I wanted to quit, I kept going. And I slowly began mending the broken pieces and began chasing my own dreams. And when I became a Mother myself, I soon understood that her list was simply a list of a Mother’s worry, wanting no harm and wanting her children to thrive.

Later in my life, she would routinely tell me that she was proud of me, and I would reply, “I am my Mother’s Daughter.” Which is to say, your legacy, Mom, lives with me, and now with my daughter. Rest In Peace, Mom. You live with us in our dreams.

Happy Mother’s Day.

That week at my in-law’s has begun!

Every night, we get the daily call from our oldest, which starts off with us asking, What did you Mom-Mom/Pop-Pop’s house? Anything fun? And ends with Have fun, we love you!

We are extremely grateful to have family nearby. The Hubby and I do love the alone time we have without the kids, but ultimately we love knowing that the kids are building deeper bonds with family, as well as gaining confidence and independence during their time away from us parents.

Summer with the Grandparents is something I never had. My grandparents lived in Peru. We hardly stayed in touch over the phone.  When we did visit them in Peru, it was always cordial and never close. I loved my grandparents but I did not have a close one-on-one relationship with them. After I became a mother, I wanted that so much for my kids.

I always had a natural curiosity about my parents, where and how they grew up. The kids have learned a lot about our families during time with the grandparents. The grandparents have a lot of experience and knowledge to dispense. A more importantly, LOTS of stories, about their kids, their own parents, their siblings. When I was younger, I didn’t realize just how important the distant family was in understanding how my family came about. They talk about where we came from — the struggles and successes in our family’s unique history. They pass down old family heirlooms, treasured traditions, and my favorite, secret family recipes.

Grandparents also offer funny anecdotes that we parents may not even recall about our upbringing. I am very grateful that my kids have fond memories of my Mom before she passed. She loved to share stories about me — the good and unfortunately bad too And always had this magical ability to make the kids smile instantly. They will always have previous memories of their Nanny.

My oldest is fast approaching an age where she will be too cool to hang with adults. So, in the meantime, it feels so right and natural to allow this special bond to continue to grow.

Because their grandparents are truly generous, with their love and time, that by the time the kids come home, they are always feeling a bit more warm and fuzzy.

Rinse and repeat.

Dieting, or eating too little throughout the week while overdoing cardio and lifts, left me completely depleted — mind and body. I would feel weak after a few weeks of restrictive eating and overexercise, and even got injured. There was never a happy medium. Only an All Or Nothing attitude.

Maybe you’re a competitive athlete or a self-proclaimed perfectionist. You strive to win, to do 110%, to Go Big or Go Home. That all-or-nothing mindset might get you results in the short-term but will likely cause you to do nothing sometimes, which hurts progress in the long-run.

For me, I learned the All Or Nothing, the desire for perfection, as a child. My parents held high expectations for me to achieve. So, I pushed myself on a daily basis to work harder, be more disciplined, in order to earn their love. It felt awesome to succeed because I would receive their acknowledgment and praise in return. But, when I failed, I would secretly beat myself up, literally. Sadness, anger, frustration were Bad Feelings that I suppressed and never took the time to access. My self-worth was tied to my athletic performance, my grades, a perfect body, and how others, like my parents, perceived me.

What did that all-or-nothing mindset do to my mind and body? It created chronic stress and anxiety. By creating extreme and impossible expectations for myself,  I setup myself up for constant disappointment. I was elated and proud of my rare achievements — like placing at a swim meet — but, more than often, I would see myself negatively, which often led to depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.

But here’s the thing. My parents were wonderful and did love me unconditionally. Somehow I created a story in my head that they were disappointed in me, which I would carry for years — this deeply pervading sense that I was unlovable and somehow flawed.

I think it’s grand to set goals for yourself. But, by overemphasizing success, I left little room for error, or for recognizing or measuring personal growth. Life is a self-paced, self-directed journey of self-discovery. I spent so much time beating myself that I had little time to learn from each slip, each stumble. And to take those learnings and use them to to become more self-aware and to create new healtier habits.

I’ve been embracing the mantra of progress not perfection. The idea of personal growth for me is an inward journey of self-awareness and acceptance, of the good and bad, and realizing my true physical, emotional and mental strengths.

The reason I don’t Cheat is because I don’t diet. Diets don’t work for me because they are  usually unhealthy, not sustainable, and tend to result in cravings and binges on the very foods I try to avoid. The diet mentality is also full of judgments about food like bad or clean that just end up transferring to myself as a person. My physical therapist once told me that a little goes a long way. I do believe that now. Making small, sustainable changes to my meals and lifestyle works for me. So does lowering expectations to reasonable levels, stop punishing myself, and finding joy in nourishing my body.

I eat for my goals — either to cut, maintain or build  — and not for personal validation.  And when I slip, I like to reflect on how this happened, why this happened, and what you can do in the future to prevent it. Rather than expect perfection, I expect imperfection. It is really the only way for me to discover deeper insights about myself.

There is no perfect  — no right way, no right answer — there is just YOU, that you develop over time, on your own, based on your own unique insights, experiences and growth opportunities.

Rinse and repeat that.

In sorting through my mother’s belongings this weekend, a new passion awoke. I reminisced about when, as a child, I’d polish the silver, dusted the dining room furniture, vacuumed the rugs, ironed the clothes. Some two years after my mother’s passing, I see our home differently.

In our home, the females tended to the house—us girls did the chores and household work. We also tended to the emotional labor—everything from tending to each others’ feelings to managing family dynamics to displaying feminine virtue. This was rarely discussed. What was discussed around the dinner table were our goals and tales of success—public life virtues. We were to be A+ students, top athletes, gifted piano players, college graduates. Work done inside the home was considered less than and frankly invisible.

As I sorted through her beloved belongings, I began to think. My mom, as a stay-at-home mom, did she feel appreciated? Was her work acknowledged? Did she feel….invisible?

She raised us girls to be independent and to pursue careers. In the early years as a working mom, I would come home from a long day at work and take on the labor of housework and childcare. It felt like I was effectively working two jobs and not doing a good job in either. In my head, I would grade myself on the real work—how successful I was in my career. And, in my heart, it felt like the more I pushed myself at work, the more I neglected my home and family.

Raising a family and tending to the home is work. In the home my husband and I have now since built, chores and household work are visible, they are cherished, and expected to be completed by everyone. My husband does the dishes and laundry. I shop, clean and vacuum. The kids put away the dishes, take out the trash and walk and clean up after the dog. Everyone pushes the broom. Because I’ve learned that personal happiness comes not from high achievement alone but from strong relationships. Grades and achievement are no more important than caring about others. Chores are not a duty but a way of taking care of each other.

I now feel a sense of duty and honor in unearthing my Mom’s clothes and her beloved belongings. I do think my mother would be proud, as she was of our trophies and degrees, of the work we women do, of the homes we’ve built, the children we’ve raised, and the choices we’ve made for family. With no regrets.

We are not gods, we cannot resurrect. We women build homes and we build families, with our hands and our hearts. And I want to help my father build a new home for himself. Because my mother raised me that way.

I see you Mom. Adelante.

A younger me would have likely freaked the f-out and shouted obscenities at the guy for spewing hate at a meaningful, and very peaceful, occasion. But the older me held back. Don’t get me wrong, I literally felt my blood boil. But…I had my daughter with me. I had to be the bigger person. It took everything in my body not to react as he sped away. I just stood there, holding her hand, as she looked up at me.

And it felt strange.

Along with getting older, my hope is that I am a strong role model for my daughter. The hardest part of being a Mom is living truth: practicing what I preach. It was easy to feel anger, despair or fear in the moment. But, that angry driver had been upset about something that happened long before we walked into his life. Fighting it, feeding it would have produced nothing of value. There are a thousand other ways to make a difference.

It was hard not to be energized by the multitude and myriad of people that day. But, amid this crowd, there was something I hadn’t seen before. There were a ton of little girls there with their grandmothers and mothers. Grandmothers and mothers, who have likely felt and fought hard against racism, sexism, and injustice, now urging their daughters and granddaughters to join the good fight: a powerful charge to young girls to stand up and tell their own stories, fight for their own values, and find their own power.

Some children are born knowing their own purpose and path in life. My daughter, independent and strong-willed, is one of those children. The thing is, she doesn’t require so much instruction, but more so a loving Mom who will point all her energy in the right direction. Along with giving her life, as a mother, I also give her all my hope.  My hope is that she always know there is no limit to a Mother’s love.

1. Breathe. Calm the reptilian brain – you know that part of your brain that is responsible for flight or fight, fear and rage.  Put the phone down, resist compulsively sending those angry e-mails or texts (or maybe even throwing your phone at someone), and regain control by taking deep breaths. Breathe in and out, deeply and slowly, right down and into your belly. After hearing bad news, the Hubby and I would at times go for long walks and vent. Walks along really busy streets, on windy days, or anywhere where the occasional f-bomb or two could be muted, are perfect. But really, looking back, these walks were effective ways to boosts endorphins, alleviate stress, and key to keeping cool.
2. Get the Facts. Now that you are calm, redirect your brain to gathering facts. Facts are harder to debate, alternative facts and fake news aside, so start with just the facts, m’am. Ask those What, Where, When, Who, How, Why questions. The Hubby is a sensing person  – a here and now person – and sees things as they are. Me, on the other hand, I am more initiative and am more likely to follow my gut and jump to conclusions. Frustrations occurred because he needed mechanical details first – the particulars –  and I wanted to understand their application. So, for me, slowing down, being as specific and concrete as possible, was key to keeping cool.
3. Brainstorm.  Accept all ideas, discuss all possible solutions and, more importantly, embrace the approach that sometimes there is no perfect answer, just the best one. Prevent misunderstandings and show your partner that you’re paying attention to them and care about what they’re saying. Use active listening techniques – When your partner speaks, paraphrase what they say. In addition to listening to your partner, you need to take their perspective and try to understand where they’re coming from. Much of his frustration with me was when conversations would bounce off in all sorts of directions. This drove his A to B to C mind crazy. So, taking a moment to listen first prior to forming an opinion, or likely a misunderstanding, is key to keeping cool.
4. Agree on Messaging and Communicate. Make sure you and your partner understand why a decision was made. Confidently convey the information, leaving no room for interpretation, by preparing and rehearsing what you’re going to say and how. Hubby is a major introvert, so he pretty much left all types of communication to me. However, he would encourage me to be more concrete and direct in my messaging, and would at times look over my shoulder as I crafted e-mails and texts, despite my deep breaths of annoyance. Making sure you’re on the same page, and taking more deep breaths, is key to keeping cool.
5. Focus on the Future. Now that that’s done, redirect your brain back to the big picture and to goals. Buying and selling a home is an inherently unpredictable process, but the more you learn about the process, the easier it is to see potential pitfalls and deal with both future small and heart-pumping problems. And of course, keep cool.

And here I am, on the last day in August, wondering where did the summer go?

I felt guilty. About working and being away from my family. About being slightly stressed when I was with them. About not taking them to the pool often. About checking e-mails and taking calls when I was with them.

This week, we are at the beach and I am doing my very best “turning off”  work and other distractions. And it’s fantastic. Along with spending needed time with the kids, I am finally getting what feels like a good night’s rest, and surprisingly the writer’s bug again.

As I look through old photos and videos over the summer, I am reexamining this guilt I feel. It’s certainly been a busy summer, but maybe I just haven’t had the time yet to reflect. Maybe it’s time to cut Mom a break.

I was able to make the most of my recent work trip to a Boulder, CO. I used downtime to capitalize on a scenic drive through the Rocky Mountains with my Hubby, explore Boulder’s food landscape by foot, and catch a play at the Colorado Shakespeare Festival.

While I worked, spent much-needed alone time with the Hubby, the kids enjoyed a fun week with the grandparents. I enjoy being involved in their activities and in their lives. But, as a result of these little vacations, I also know that they don’t need me there at every moment of the day in order to feel loved and to grow into secure and well-rounded adults. And vice-versa: they don’t need to be at my side at every moment of the day in order for me to feel loved and guilt-free.

When I’m working, I’m working for me, for my daughter and son, wanting them to benefit from my success however they can.

I’m not sure if there is a cure to swift summers or for mommy guilt. But, worrying less  and capitalizing on moments you do have sounds about right.

Swimming has been challenging given I am still recovering from my shoulder injury. What I have found really helpful for correcting strokes is video.  I am using a camera to record my technique. The visual feedback is immediate and I often hear myself sigh, I had no idea I was doing that. I use a GoPro HERO5 Black to take above-surface and below-surface shots and replay them while in water.

Some shots are in my newest vlog here:

I also record myself during lifting sessions to review my form and ultimately avoid possible injury. I like to record bench presses, squats and dead lifts, which are the compound moves that I love for building power and strength but am more likely to hurt myself. As a result of recording myself, I have at times dropped weight, taken a slower approach, in order to focus on form.

I’ve been able to find time to train while working and being a Mom of two. Swim sessions are in the evening after I’ve put the youngest in bed. Long bike rides are in the early morning on the weekend, and my runs and lift sessions are typically during my lunch hour or while my oldest is at swim practice. I anticipate this month’s plan to be harder to manage so have been using Google calendar to schedule my workout plan and Sundays to review my weekly plan against my family and work schedules. The Hubby and I use Google calendar to share doctor appointments, work travel days, school closings, and just about anything we can think of. So, needless to say, we LOVE Google calendar.

So here’s to the next 12 weeks and to staying on track!

Upon arriving to the bowling alley, I quickly remembered how stressful kid’s party are and how crazy they can get. I was fortunate to have family around to help, but I still found myself running around the joint. How hard could it be? All we need is a cake and some balloons and we’d be ok, right? Nope. I found myself continually catering to requests. But even amid what seemed like chaos, I had to remind myself that this was a birthday party for a child. If there are friends, activities, and sweet treats the kids will enjoy regardless of the details. So, I tried not to stress much and enjoyed the day.

We parents are constantly giving to our children. And never anticipating getting anything back. Let’s face it—parenting is a thankless job. Before we had kids, the Hubby and I had unrealistic, embarrassingly unrealistic, expectations of what it’s going to be like. It’s been hard work raising the kids, and most of the time we are simply just trying to do our best.

At times, I feel I scramble to find time for work, social and family functions. I never seem to have enough time to complete projects, to spend with family and friends, or just to be alone. Then there are the feelings of guilt and stress because of my divided attention between work and family.

But, ultimately, like bowling, having balance is an important quality to have as parents. Not all days are strikes. There have been plenty of gutter balls. But mostly, there are good days, days that I’ll to settle for a spare. And cake.

There have been many pitfalls to my self-training. The most obvious one has to do with my knowledge of the scientific principles of training. I am determined and purposeful in my training, 100% committed to my goals, and honestly love the fitness journey. But, to be successful, I must train smart. 

What is the best way to get in all my workouts for maximum gains without overtraining? 

Last November, I experienced a shoulder injury that had me out of the water for three months. And for those three months, I stayed primarily fit with strength training and doing short HIIT treadmill sessions while I gave my shoulder a break. Which was the Worst Decision Ever. Once I returned to the pool and couldn’t move my arm through ANY stroke, my heart sank. Fearing the injury was way worse than anticipated, I saw my orthopedic surgeon for a MRI. The report confirmed I had shoulder impingement and a small SLAP tear. My swim team referred me to a Physical Therapist who specializes in swimmer shoulder injuries. She believes I now have frozen shoulder, or adhesive capsulitis, which has limited my range of motion. After an injury, followed by a period of immobility, the tissues around the joint stiffened and scar tissued formed. The shoulder essentially became frozen, making movement difficult and very painful. Early treatment could have prevented the stiffness setting in, as well continuing swimming with stroke modifications. Currently, I am doing shoulder stretching exercises to bring back movement, as well as swimming breaststroke and freestyle only, doing stroke drills and lots of lots of kicking. 

There are the common principles of training and then there is ME– the decisions I make based on my own experience and intuition. My personal philosophy has been More is better, Train hard. And avoid seeking medical advice, obviously. My Hubby calls this: Being a Knucklehead. Being a Knucklehead is the leading cause of my injury, my potential burnout, and my previous overtraining. By adopting a more moderate philosophy, like Train Smart, I hope to avoid these problems. 

A principle of bodybuilding that I’ve come to appreciate has to do with cutting: what is the minimum amount of cardio you can do in order to lose fat. The primary aim of the cut is to lose fat and preserve muscle. Which is REALLY hard. And why I really respect bodybuilders. Losing weight is one thing, but becoming cut is an art. It takes YEARS to build up muscle, and fat loss is done carefully. So here, less is better. The small fitness gains made over a long time are better than quick fitness changes over a short time. 

The idea of placing limits on training is a scary thought for me. My shoulder injury was an A-Ha moment for me. I abuse training not because I want to be a better swimmer, but because I can’t bring myself to change. I am addicted to overtraining. But overtraining is causing injury, downtime, and a frustrated me struggling to get back to previous levels of training. Like my Hubby says: the juice ain’t worth the squeeze. 

I aim now to finish a workout with the feeling that I can do a little more. And when I get the itch to do another set, I stop. Which is hard. Because I don’t always trust my judgement. But rather than train hard, I want to devote my workouts around building endurance and strength, recovering, and prefecting my form.

So here’s to a safe, restful and smarter season. And to a new goal to push me not be stronger or faster, but smarter and maybe kinder too.