Mostly Safe For Work

Now that’s clever: Will return clock

Benson, English Guy and Guest Bloggers — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 10:36:37 +0200

Available for about $11.00 here. Brilliant concept for Store Owners and Shopkeepers. The clock is set 15 minutes forward, so you’re never late!

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Clever Pizza Ads

Benson, English Guy and Guest Bloggers — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 12:27:41 +0200

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Did you know 4.0

Benson, English Guy and Guest Bloggers — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 12:09:14 +0200

Lots of interesting factoids.

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Dr. King

Benson, English Guy and Guest Bloggers — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 11:32:38 +0200

DeadDog posted this excellent motivational poster.
I think it deserves reproduction here.

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Grand Ma doesn’t know everything!

Benson, English Guy and Guest Bloggers — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 18:44:03 +0200

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'

H/T John The Baker

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The Kiwi Approach To Salesmanship

Benson, English Guy and Guest Bloggers — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 18:40:50 +0200

A young Kiwi lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Hokitika.'

The manager liked the Kiwi so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Kiwi said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'

'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,23764!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

H/T John The Baker

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The Bells

Benson, English Guy and Guest Bloggers — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 18:38:16 +0200

Twelve catholic priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for

them to line up, totally nude in a straight row, in a garden while a

sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his knob, and they were told

that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not

be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests

until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos...... As she danced,

his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the

ground and came to rest in a nearby pile of leaves.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. As he

bent over to pick it up, all the other bells started to ring.

H/T John The Baker

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6 Affairs

Benson, English Guy and Guest Bloggers — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 18:35:50 +0200

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt..

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded..

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing

to his business down here.'

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

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Real Presents for Real Men!

Benson, English Guy and Guest Bloggers — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 18:33:02 +0200

H/T John The Baker

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Octoberfest has started!

Benson, English Guy and Guest Bloggers — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 06:39:48 +0200

More images here. This just in from our correspondent Ulsterman in Bavaria. Excellent research sir!

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Mostly Safe For Work

Now that’s clever: Will return clock

Available for about $11.00 here. Brilliant concept for Store Owners and Shopkeepers. The clock is set 15 minutes forward, so you’re never late!

Clever Pizza Ads

Did you know 4.0

Lots of interesting factoids.

Dr. King

DeadDog posted this excellent motivational poster. I think it deserves reproduction here.

Grand Ma doesn’t know everything!

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'

The Kiwi Approach To Salesmanship

A young Kiwi lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Hokitika.'

The manager liked the Kiwi so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Kiwi said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'

'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,23764!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

The Bells

Twelve catholic priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for

them to line up, totally nude in a straight row, in a garden while a

sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his knob, and they were told

that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not

be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests

until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos...... As she danced,

his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the

ground and came to rest in a nearby pile of leaves.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. As he

bent over to pick it up, all the other bells started to ring.

6 Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt..

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded..

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

DeadDog posted this excellent motivational poster.
I think it deserves reproduction here.