Exploring Grief Using Radical Creativity

Creative Prompt: mandala's hand of time

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Henna) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 02:00:00 +0000

Hand of time. Grief messes with time. Passing of time. Value of time.

One the most odd things about a grief experience can be the way it messes with time. I can't believe 13 years have passed since he died. It seems like yesterday that I had him in my arms. I didn't believe my heart could hold this much ache and love for so long. In a flash, I'm back in that room. It's 25 years later, but you never forget.

My mandala share and today's creative prompt is exploring the way grief messes with time. You can use a combination of ways to explore this idea yourself. Start by making a list of words that come to mind when you think about your grief experience and time. For instance, with the piece I did above, I was exploring from a list of words that included:

hand
clock
spiral
number
value
changed
reversed

Options then could be to write a poetic piece or descriptive blurb about your experience using those words. For my playing, I wrote this:

"For me personally, the value of time changed. The numbers on the clock didn't matter anymore. Everything was colorful but muted. My state of being changed entirely. It was surprising to discover how grief and love cycle round and round. I used to thing I kept coming back to the same issues over and over -- but really, it was more like a spiral stair case. I was coming back round to the same things, but I was up a level or down a level, looking from a different perspective."

And then find ways to incorporate these words/ideas into a visual art piece like I did in the image at the top of this post. You can enhance the visual art piece by searching through old magazines and books for images and word blurbs that you can collage into your piece, too.

As always, if you feel like sharing your results, please feel free to leave comments here with link to your own blog posts of photo shares!
Miracles,
k-

Star Leaf Mandala: what grows in my world?

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Henna) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 11:14:00 +0000

Okay, okay, what can I tell you? Heather has got me all fired on the mandala form these days especially after her recent post exploring why she creates them! So I began playing again tonight in the wee hours and knew I wanted to do something with the form of a tree. What you see above is the result...

For some reason the form of a barren tree in particular has been with me. Not so much in the physical environment we live in now -- though we do have one in front and one in the back yard that go barren. But they are surrounded by ever green agave, juniper, and cypress. Still images from friends up north of barren snow scapes, branches coated in ice. And in my very wild dreams the last few nights, barren trees everywhere.

For all their outward appearances of death and dying, there is still something growing there. An apt metaphor for grief maybe? There are days when the grief gales through so hard that every leaf and bud are torn from my body. My barren skeleton of a tree trunk seems to go dormant, limbs flailing at grief's howling and then eventually just still, dormant, for all outward appearances, dead or dying. When I can actually sit in that stillness instead of fight it, I have learned that there is still something growing here.

It's an odd thing to trust what otherwise looks like death, to trust that life will spring again, to trust that I can rest in dying stillness and actually recharge. When I finally do trust the resting instead of fighting it, I often ask myself why I don't come here more often. It is actually incredibly peaceful here after the chaos of grief's storm has settled.

+++

Even more odd is to realize that my seasons are out of sync with the world and maybe, if I can be honest with myself, maybe have always been out of sync. In my off-kilter-ness I often wonder if I'm doing anything worthy or if I'm doing anything right or if there is any purpose to... well, to anything. I feel much like a bird who was never taught to get up in the high branch to get the lay of the land. Instead, I'm down on the ground, sort of marveling at the red dirt, eating a bug here and there, knocking my beak against the needles of the agave to hear the clicking sound that makes.

And all that is totally fine when I'm just set about doing it. But then I look up and see other birds up there somewhere and wonder, "Weird, maybe the *right* way is to do that?!" I wonder if my twiggy foot patterns in the dirt mean anything. Sometimes I wing off in the air, just to try and see if something up there seems to have more purpose than anything down here.

But it all just seems a carousel of doing. Others seem to believe they have more purpose and so seem to be set off with more resolve in their cycles of life. But I can't seem to find any proof that any of that is anything better or more right or more purposeful than anything or any other way anyone else is doing or not doing whatever they do.

+++

It's all babble. I know. It's just that after grief's gale storm, I sort of sit here and go, okay what's next. I actually like the barren time. I'm actually more curious about being curious than I care about what is right or more purposeful these days. I'm actually knocked out each day to witness how much grief there is in this world. I don't feel a sense of competition with anyone anymore because WOW there is a lot to be done in this world and there seems to never be enough hands to do it.

And frankly, I seem to spend more time playing with idea of not doing as opposed to the scramble lately. I'm not sure the scramble is fixing anything. It's amazing how much there is to see and comprehend when you actually just sit still and witness all this scramble. I sort of sit here saying, "What's next" like I'm swiping slide across the screen of my vision.

I'm not making much sense. Of anything.

+++

I don't know. On the outside, for all appearances, I seem barren, and yet something grows here. It is almost as if the process in place for the cycle of this body is besides me -- beside the point -- is a costume of, "Oh, that's fun, let's try that on...". And then soon enough, we all get to a point where we decided, "Okay, that was fun..." shed the body suit and return to something... else. ??

I repeat again, I don't know. There just seems to be so much lately that points to how our being here is not really about BEing.

Barren trees. I don't know. They just keep cycling around my landscape - waking scape and dreamscape, both.

+++

Hope all who come across this find a gentle way and path.
Sending Reiki to one and all.
Miracles,
k-

Coincidences, signs, who knows?

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Henna) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 07:30:00 +0000

There are many things I'm open to, while at the same time I cannot say if I truly believe in them or not. Reincarnation, for instance. In watching some of the contemporary documentaries on reincarnation, I can certainly see how very stressed out young children are before anyone believes them about the memories they have of previous lives. Once their stories are accepted and explored, they seem to release a certain struggle and become much more present in their bodies and beings. For that reason alone, I'm open to the idea because it seems so wrong to put those children in a space where they are that stressed out! But I'm not really sure if I truly believe in reincarnation or not.

So when weird coincidences happen in my life, I never really am sure if I believe they are signs of something. But I'm at least open enough to notice when something like that happens and pause long enough to wonder! Today I'm wondering :)

Last month while at the silent retreat, I got sick at the end and left a day earlier than was originally planned. It was
not a big deal, but it did mean missing the last dharma talk. Again, not a big deal as I knew the talks were being recorded and later after the event, an email would come with link to the recordings.

When I got home, as part of my holiday gifts, my hubby Hawk helped me create two new space in the house. One for meditation and one for my office/studio space. I wanted to put up art and inspirations around the space of my new desk after we rearranged everything. So I have this bin that is full to the gills with bits and pieces of art, prints, images I've ripped out of old magazines and such. Literally 20+ years of materials overflow from this bin. So one by one, I went through each image and picked pieces I wanted to look at on a daily basis.

One of the things I came across was a page from an old Rumi publication that is a mix of artwork and the quote:

"Be empty of worrying.
Why do you stay in prison
when the door is so wide open?"

That just fell like a brick on my head and heart and I stuck it up on the wall right behind my desk/computer so that every moment I'm sitting here, I see that reminder.

So flash forward to now, a month later, and I finally got around to looking at the follow up email they sent after the retreat and found the link to the recorded dharma talks. I clicked through and found the mp3 of the last talk that I missed and let it stream as I was working here in the office. And what quote do you think Howard opened that talk with:

"Be empty of worrying.
Why do you stay in prison
when the door is so wide open?"

I rewound it twice to just hear it again and be sure I wasn't imagining things.

Coincidence? Sign? Reminder from the Universe funneled thru a big huge mega-phone?

Well, I don't know, but it is kind of hard to ignore.

Anyway, here's to whatever it is, wherever it comes from, whatever you believe -- or just whatever you are at least open to being possibly possible. :)
Miracles,
k-

Celebrating International Creativity Month!

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Henna) — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 16:00:00 +0000

As if I needed another reason to celebrate creativity, I've just learned that January is International Creativity Month! For me, sometimes creativity comes naturally, but very often it has been through the inspiration and model of other artists and heARTists who have given me a groove. So in celebration of creativity, I'm sharing up a few inspirational conversations I've had with artists I adore: Jamie Ridler, Kathryn Antry, and Courtney Putnum. Get yourself inspired, and then go make art! That's what it's all about!

Wishing, Dreaming, Defining Life for Ourselves:
a conversation with Jamie Ridler

click here to stream or right mouse click to "save link as" to download wav

Jamie Ridler (http://www.openthedoor.ca) is a creative living coach and the director of Jamie Ridler Studios. From the Creative Living with Jamie podcast (http://www.creativelivingwithjamie.ca) to the popular Sparkles e-course (http://www.findyoursparkle.ca), Jamie’s work helps women find the confidence and courage to discover and express their creative selves so they can be the star they are.

Hero's Journey and Staying the Creative Course: a conversation with Kathryn Antry

click here to stream or right mouse click to "save link as" to download wav

Kathryn Antyr, also known as the Collage Diva, shares her love for collage, mixed media, photography, and creative journal-keeping. She publishes two blogs: collagediva.com is where Kathryn shares reflections from her highly creative life. She captures the beauty and simplicity of every day living and likes to ask questions that encourage her readers to dig deep. On truenortharts.com, Kathryn offers readers a free weekly journal page to download as part of her Journey of the Heart series. Each week Kathryn writes on a topic or theme and shares her own personal story. The download includes a beautifully designed journal page and questions to ponder. Connect with Kathryn on Facebook at www.facebook.com/collagediva.

Transforming Grief Using Creativity:
a conversation with Courtney Putman

click here to stream or right mouse click to "save link as" to download wav

Courtney has often been called “The Creative Healer” because her approach to bodywork specifically, and healing in general, is creative in nature: the mind is a creative force that can help to heal the body and the messages we receive from the body–through sensation, imagery, or emotion–may not only relieve pain, stiffness, and tension, but may also help us understand our lives in a profound and meaningful way.

She is a Licensed Massage Practitioner and Reiki Master as well as an artist, writer, and teacher. You'll find her over at: http://www.courtneyputnam.com and at: healingnest.wordpress.com

Here's hoping all of you are finding creative inspirations all this month, too! REMINDER: Applications for the Creative Grief Coaching Certification program are open till Jan 26th if you are interested in digging into your creativity that way!
Miracles!
k-

Mandala RP: blessings on vinyl

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Henna) — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 18:00:00 +0000

Because I've been so excited about my new working studio/office space, I've spent a lot of time making videos lately for posts. Maybe also, it has been sort of a back lash from doing the 365 Project during 2011 where I really pushed myself to make some kind of art every single day, that I've just not wanted to draw, paint, carve, or use the drawing pad at all. But Heather Plett over at Sophia Leadership inspired me with her post the other day about how the mandala form can be broken open.

After having very heartFULL moments on our Creative Grief Coaching Q&A (click here for free recording of that call), I sat down and finally felt like I wanted to play. And the first thing that came to mind was Heather's mandalas. So I decided to play with form a little and see what I could layer up and texture up and what you see above is the result.

Feels good to exercise those artful muscles again, and I think some kind of groove for it is returning. Starting to stew on what I want to do for my Limited Edition Sketchbook project that is due in April. So there is a little series of somethings coming from that path soon. I also realized today that I had a pack of painting knives and sculpting paints that I've never even opened yet!! I think there are a few canvases calling for those, so something there, too. Coming soon... :)

Hope you are all finding your artFULL way, too...sending Reiki to one and all who come across this!
Miracles,
k-

Creative Prompt: Showing Up As You Are

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Henna) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 18:00:00 +0000

Today's creative prompt is about showing up for whatever you are called to do in the moment as you are. Just like it is a waste to wait till you've lost 10 lbs before you live your life, the same goes for grief experience. You need not wait till you are "better" or "over it" (whatever those things mean anyway!) before you life your life again. It can be the authentic choice to show up as you are instead of waiting for ... waiting for, I don't know what... Waiting For Godot ... Waiting For Woody Allen ... waiting for whatever.

Miracles,
k-

Creative Prompt: schedule time with yourself

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Henna) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 18:00:00 +0000

This creative prompt is for shifting your perspective around time for yourself, for exploring what we might do to make our time just as much a priority as anything else. This self care prompt can be done as a meditation prompt, a practice prompt with your actual calendar, a visual art or writing prompt.

Miracles,
k-

Creative Prompt: leave good and bad at the door

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Henna) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 18:00:00 +0000

This creative prompt is for shifting perspective from judging good or bad and instead staying with the present moment of your experience. Can be done as meditation prompt, writing or visual art prompt.

Miracles,
k-

Creative Prompt: hand set your dreams

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Henna) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 18:00:00 +0000

This creative prompt is for shifting perspective from waiting for someone or something else to set everything up for you to do what you need or want or love. Instead, you can hand set your own story. You have a power to look at what you need set in your day and create that story for yourself. Can be done as a meditation, writing, or visual art prompt.

Miracles,
k-

Creative Prompt: Space Within

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Henna) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Stephen Mitchell's translation of the Tao is one of my favorites. Number 11 has especially inspired me for many years now, so today I'm offering up concepts of it as a creative prompt today. Can be used as a meditation, writing, or visual art prompt.

Miracles,
k-

Creative Prompt: no one to be

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Henna) — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

While attending silent meditation at Spirit Rock, Mary Grace Orr presented the idea that we have no one to be. This is a creative look at this meditation prompt and how it reflects the way grief shatters everything we thought we were or ought to be. Could be used as a meditation prompt, or writing or visual art prompt, too.

Miracles,
k-

Creative Prompt: follow the YES

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Henna) — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

It can be good practice to learn where the YES is because we then also learn where the NO is, too. A creative way of finding your YES. Can be used as meditation, written, or visual art prompt.

Miracles,
k-

Creative Prompt: Feathers of an Alien Diva

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Henna) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Finding a character in myth or story or in your imagination that you can explore to tell part of your story. It can be used as a storytelling, writing, or visual art prompt.

Miracles,
k-

Creative Prompt: Blue Sky Energy

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Henna) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Re-energizing outside when there are blue skies is easy. But this prompt is for figuring out how to find blue sky energy to re-charge when there is no blue sky! It can be used as an energy shifter, writing, or visual art prompt.

Miracles,
k-

Creative Prompts: Takeout Order

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Henna) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Using an everyday, mundane event or action to explore how it can reflect your story. It can be used as a poetry, journaling, or visual art prompt.

Miracles,
k-

Creative Prompt: Honor Rather Than Judge

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Henna) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 01:00:00 +0000

This prompt is about honoring the integrity of your grief experience rather than allowing judgments from others or self to complicate whatever is happening for you in the present moment. It can be used as a meditation, writing, or visual art prompt.

Miracles,
k-

Creative Prompt: Puzzle of Self

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Henna) — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 01:00:00 +0000

This creative prompt was inspired by an amazing little girl named Emma, and over the years, I've found many layers to the puzzle of self as I've explored it in the context of the grief experience. You can use it as a meditation, writing, or visual art prompt.

Miracles,
k-

New Years Gifties ... [Day 365 of 365 Project]

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Henna) — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 05:58:00 +0000

Started 2011 out with a self portrait for the 365 Project, so it seems fitting to end the year with a self portrait to wrap up the 365 Project. It has been an interesting charting of the year, and my artful, heart-Full explorations will continue in 2012 with various other projects and challenges. So much is in bloom here that it is hard to sit still to give it time to unfold. But I'm letting the breath breathe me and being grateful for every moment.

One of the things I'm so grateful for is YOU! Every eyeball that comes here and reads, shares forward, tries out the ideas I share and then leaves me comment here or on FB, Pinterest, Twitter, or via email. You all prove that I'm not crazy woman in the attic writing and creating for the thin air coz you are there! So in appreciation, I'm putting together this little list of gifties. If you are looking for free, creative online resources, here are some gifties for you:

MP3s

eBooks

How-To's

Creative Prompt for Distance Reiki and Loving Kindness Practice - video
How To Put Your Artwork Into Action - photo illustrated how-to
3 How-To Videos: making a 16 page book from one piece of paper; breaking down henna designs; and acrylic transfers - videos

Enjoy!
Miracles,
k-

How-To: heart shaped crayons & learning from mistakes [Day 364 of 365 Project]

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Henna) — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 10:13:00 +0000

This is certainly not an original idea from me! In fact, I've seen three or four different versions of it over on Pinterest. But since I was playing with the idea here anyway, decided to work it up as a little quickie "how-to" for you. Turns out maybe my how-to on this idea will be a little different than the others in that I made mistakes!!! HA! Mistakes bring learning though, so here goes:

First thing I did was to break up a bunch of crayons. It's a great way to recycle all those nubs and half used you
might have from the kids art bin! Or you could do it with a new pack if you want. I found that running an exacto knife down the side of the crayon made peeling any paper left on them very easy to remove!

I just like the above photo of the colors in the bowl after the crayons were all chopped!

Once chopped, you just spread them out into a silicone baking sheet -- I like the heart shaped ones. But you can find small hearts, stars, circles and lots of other shapes in these silicone sheets. Do a search on Amazon.com and you'll find a gazillion options. Or keep your eyes peeled at local thrift shops.

So this is where I think I made my first mistake. I just dumped the mix into the heart shapes willy-nilly. Dark colors, light colors, no notice of which colors were in which cups. I think next time, I would separate out the darker colors from the lighter ones -- or mix particular shades on purpose. It turned out fine (sort of - as you'll see from my second mistake later) but next time I think I would experiment more.

Then put it all in the oven on 230 degrees F and I first set the timer for 15 minutes. Here's my second mistake. We are at higher altitude, so when I opened the oven after the first 15 minutes, the chunks were hardly melted at all. So I closed the oven and set it for another 5 minutes... well...

You can see that extra 5 minutes was too much. It melted everything entirely! Totally liquid. Next time, I would do maybe 1 minute increments and just stay there checking it to get the consistency I want. Once I experiment and find the right time for our altitude and our oven, well then, the times after that, I can set the timer and walk away. But next time I try this, I will have to babysit it a bit more to nail down the right amount of time.

As the liquid solidified, it did brighten up a bit and I started to think maybe all was not lost after all! You can see below that once totally cool and solid, I was able to easily pop them out of the sheet and they actually had retained streaks of various colors. Not quite as chunked up as I would have liked, but still they were not a total failure.

Then I flipped them over and behold!!! On the flip side, they actually were not a loss at all. There was still a bit of chunked colors in there, and they look all pretty!

I do think next time, I'll try the smaller heart sheet or do less in each of the cups of this larger sheet I used this time. I will play with sorting the colors next time. And I will babysit the melting to get it more blended, but much less liquid-ie. But all in all, it was fun, easy, and I'm looking forward to sharing and using these. If you've got kids who love to color in your life, then maybe the heart shaped mish-moshed crayons are a good Valentines idea? For the kids or for a classroom of kids? Or heck, if you are an adult who loves to play, just go for it!

Have fun!
Miracles,
k-

Because it will never be this neat again... [Day 363 of 365 Project]

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Henna) — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 14:05:00 +0000

A few days ago, I shared the new meditation space Santa Hawk created for me. Well New Years is my birthday, and so Santa Hawk helped me revise/create another space in the house for my studio! I'm sharing the photos of it here today because we just finished it -- and lets face it: it will never be this neat again once I start actually working in here!! :)

When the blinds are open in the daytime the light in this space is really great. And we worked a bunch of different lights to make it light up after dark, too. It's so nice to have space to the right there to put out all my supplies so I can SEE what I have. And then to have the whole other table as work space. It feels so luxurious!

We moved a bookcase in here, too, now. I'm not really done fussing with it yet as I'm not sure what all I will use in this space yet. But for now bottom shelf has old books, maps, bags for altering and using on mixed media pieces, along with a stack of inspirational and how-to books. Then I have a few stacks of books I'm reading or use regularly like poetry books, grief/creativity books, reiki books. I think I'll use the top of the shelves as a mini-altar space. But I don't know yet. It's still evolving...

Off in the other corner, there was plenty of room to move my easel and stool into this space now, too.
I can use one of the shelves of the bookcase off to the right there to set paints and such when I start to work with pieces there. For now, there's just a stack of prepped canvases awaiting some playtime!

And then there is the closet in this room. Can you guess what it behind this door? More art supplies!

Ta-Da!! It is sooooooooooooooooo incredibly luxurious to have storage space inside the closet of this room. Using the shoe racks and hanging mesh/cloth shelves like this helps me be able to see what it in storage, too. Plus it gives me space to rotate out supplies from the tables if I need more table top space to work a particular project.

There is space in this room for me to sit with my laptop, too, so I'm finally getting some writing done. I have tons more writing to do, but I think the coming weeks will prove productive since I can squirrel away in this space and work now.

I have to experiment to see how comfortable it really is, but if it works out, I may move my digital drawing tablet in here, too. Then I really and truly would have all my mediums in one space!!

BIG HUGE love and thank yous to Santa Hawk for the holiday and birthday gifts. I am so incredibly grateful! And it really does feel like a renewal for the New Year which is a great bonus.

Sending Reiki and gentle renewal vibes out to one and all!
And if you've got a space you are renewing or revising for the New Year, do tell!!! I'd love to hear about it...
Miracles,
k-

How-To: Roasted Plum Vinegar Almonds [Day 362 of 365 Project]

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Henna) — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 09:00:00 +0000

[Little something different than my normal grief & creativity how-to's, but then you know, nourishment is an art, too! Hope you dig the yummies!]

This is the quickest and easiest yummy snack ever! ONLY TWO INGREDIENTS!

When I first learned the recipe, I thought it was odd, but after tasting it the first time, both Hawk and I were won over completely. We pretty much always do this to our stash of almonds now.

Ingredients

Any 12 ounce package of raw almonds.

You can also buy them bulk which is often a great deal especially if you want organic.

And

Ume Plum Vinegar - 1 Tbsp - give or take as your taste buds come to prefer.

How-To

Put a dry, non-stick pan over high heat to get it all warmed up.

Turn the heat down to medium and dump in the raw almonds.

Stir them up with wooden spoon and let them roast.

You'll smell the almond baking smell & you'll see them start to brown.

Once they are browned, sprinkle the Ume Plum Vinegar over them.

You can measure it out to be 1 Tbsp. give or take - depending on what you prefer taste wise.

You can see here that I do this so often that I just tilt the bottle and sprinkle -- I don't even measure anymore.

You'll notice the almonds get very wet and moist and brighter in color.

That's totally fine, just keep stirring with the wooden spoon and they will soon dry again.

You'll see the vinegar that hit the bottom of the pan starting to turn to a salty color and texture.

Just keep stirring the contents.

You want the almonds to dry out again and roast a little more.

You'll see the vinegar begin to coat the almonds with a white salty flavoring.

When they are totally dry again, you'll see the vinegar that hit the bottom of the pan is turning brown.

Dump the whole batch out into a bowl or spread out on a plate.

You can eat them warm right away which is incredibly YUM - careful though, don't burn your tongue!

Or you can just leave them sit out a bit till they are totally cooled off and then transfer them to a jar or bag.

This is an incredibly yummy snack to keep on hand!

Enjoy!
Miracles,
k-

Creative Prompt: support for past traumatic moments [Day 361 of 365 Project]

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Henna) — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 10:11:00 +0000

This 5 minute vlog gives you a new creative prompt/coaching tool for shifting perspective on the traumatic moments held in memory about a loss or grief experience. I talk about Distance Reiki, but it can be as simple as a Loving Kindness practice. Try it out yourself with a sense of curiosity instead of judgment and just see what happens.

As always, if you want to leave me comment here or send an email, feel free!
Miracles,
k-

Renewal [days 356 to 360 of 365 project]

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Henna) — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 10:29:00 +0000

Renewal. Revisiting spaces we have. Revising visions to come back to center. Breathing in the chaos and breathing out calm blessings. Realizing that everything I have to offer - if I stay aligned with my heart instead of my ego - everything I have to offer is written in my bones. The practice of re-aligning with my breath, of letting the breath breathe me, *this* is a practice of staying with my heart.

Even as I miss my boys terribly, I breathe in the blessings of the people who have remembered them this holiday season with gifts from the heart making wishes come true. The winter lights lit, the candles lit, the glow of holiday figures...reminders of beauty and warmth even as we pass through the darkest night of the year.

Being in grateful space, able to appreciate having resources to fix a dead car, to plan a trip to see the grandbabies, to know there is work - meaningful, heART-full work - awaiting us in the new year. Knowing nothing is permanent, but realizing this moment is abundant beyond what I thought possible at last year this time. Realizing that it is not my job to know how dreams will come true but to simply say YES and YES and YES to the dreams and go through the open doors when they appear. To trust what is unfolding in front of me.

To spend many hours in meditation, in Reiki space, sending out gentle blessings to those who ache, to those who are missing loved ones, those who feel the loneliness of disconnection. Hoping the small things we are able to do throughout the year in giving will help those who need it most. Believing in a world that helps and heals and connects rather than the world presented that takes, breaks, and competes. Trying to find a space of forgiveness for a grandfather who firmly lived in presented world and shunned the possibility of any other kind of world -- and therefore shunned any other kind of grandchild. Hoping against hope that he and his generation are/were wrong. Hoping against hope that our grandbabies are able to hold onto and live the different kind of world.

And incredible gratitude to my Santa Hawk for creating the above space for me. It's an all year long holiday gift. A space I have craved for a long time. Coming back from the silent retreat, it is a space I know I need regularly, for at least a little bit each day. A practice of letting the breath breathe me is also a practice of letting the blessings breathe me, too.

Sending Reiki out to one and all...
Miracles,
k-

Re-entry of a Buddha [days 353 - 355 of 365 project]

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Henna) — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 09:46:00 +0000

May you be well this Solstice
and in the year to come.

There comes a point when my body mind spirit cannot do another thing. In the past when the moments came, I would just collapse and hide away. Move slow, breathe, cry, shut out the world. I have always been hesitant to share this with people because in the everyday world it seems odd at best.

Here's what I discovered: in Buddhist tradition, it is actually normal and called Silent Retreat. There are monasteries and retreat centers around the world who offer just this. Of course every offering will come with whatever bent that particular entity holds in terms of philosophy and teachings. Just know that going in and choose wisely where you would like to be silent in consideration of the surroundings. And I tell you, the alchemy of the experience can be ... well ... I'm having trouble finding ways to talk about it, frankly.

On the way to Spirit Rock for my recent retreat, we went through Berkeley. Partly it is holiday time, but there was color everywhere, milagro images filling windows, amazing nourishment found in Fairfax on the way. I was already feeling quiet though no formal induction to silence had begun yet.

Even after we arrived at Spirit Rock, I was ready to be silent immediately though the first meal was to be a time to get to know the people around you. I was not particularly interested frankly. I took my sketch pad with me to the dining hall and kept my gaze and attention busy with the line. Folks around me made small talk. I tried to smile to be polite but was not willing to engage more than that.

Just then a person sat across from me, stuck his head across the table, and said, "Are you an artist? That is really beautiful. Hi, my name is Syrus." And he put out his hand. I looked up to discover a young 20-something man with blue eyes and dark hair. It may have been nothing. But my youngest grandson's name is Syrus and he has blue eyes and dark hair. I've never heard the name or met anyone else with that name besides our grandson who is less than a year old. I nearly fell of my chair.

After that first meal, there was a formal meditation sit in the big hall with an induction into silence for the duration. Silence as we meditated, walked, did work, ate meals. We were even given permission to pull entirely into our own bodies and cease making eye contact. I cannot tell you what a sigh of relief my entire BEing felt at being given that permission. It was not hard for me to be in this space at all. To make it even more fitting, it was suggested that we make every move conscious. Go slow. Get up slowly. Walk slowly. Dress slowly. Do work meditation slowly.
Eat slowly. Feel every muscle and bone and breath.

If I could live the way I truly wish to live, it would be this way. Silent, pulled into body, slow.

Many memories surfaced to be released. Memories of trying to be with friends or at events with everyone moving more quickly than I move. No one ever really goes my speed except Hawk who told me when we fell in love that he would never leave me. Memories of eating meals with others around me implicitly or explicitly telling me I'm eating too slowly. Realizing that at some point I made myself speed up. And then I began to resent what I ate and started to make myself throw it up -- the beginning of what has been a lifelong cycle of sickness with food. Memories of feeling like I failed because I came to a breaking point with certain jobs or projects where I simply could not keep up the pace. Realizing that if left to my own speed, I can do meaningful work. But when pushed to what is "normal" for the everyday world, I crumble. And I resent everyone involved for it. Memories of the two pregnancies that ended in death. Realizing that to have been healthy myself -- and maybe to have had healthy outcomes instead of death outcomes -- I would have had to have created an entirely different world around me. But I did not have the language to say what my very cells craved.

And then letting all that go.
Insights? Maybe. Learning skill and language for doing thing differently in future? Maybe.

But in the end, just letting it all go. Coming back to the silent rise and fall of the center of my breathing.

The rise and fall of my breathing. Clearly a physical manifestation that reflects the rise and fall of everyday life, of sitations, of emotions. Come and go. Nothing permanent. Truly, grief, too, rises and falls in its turn. Though it may have its turn many times throughout the cycle of being alive, but sure as it rises, it falls.

As all that cycles around you, making the form of a body or of a life, what remains always is at the center. The breath that breathes you -- until it no longer breathes you.

It was interesting. When the teaching first came about the breath that breathes us, I thought I heard the teacher say, "...the beast that breathes you..." and I actually felt my BEing leap up with delight. I could feel the beast that breathes me. In the center of my body. Dax-like (if you are a Star Trek fan, you'll know what I mean). I could see a beast in the shape of a Koi. Its tail near my bellybutton. Its body swimming up stream toward my heart. Its gills opening and closing as it pumps the breath that breathes the rise and fall of my BEing.

At some point I realized that sitting with the rise and fall of my breath actually breathes and builds capacity for sitting with trauma, grief, loss. Heck, it builds capacity for sitting with joy, love, and celebration, too.

So often with the "dark" emotions, we latch onto all or nothing. Everything is horrible. All is lost. When I sit with breath and feel all that rise, I can stop and feel the place where my foot makes contact with the floor. That is a very neutral space. It is not horrible there. It is not a space of loss. So at the very least, not *all* is lost. It's a glimpse of a space where there is something happening (or nothing happening) that is not about grief, loss, trauma.

So often with the "light" emotions, we latch onto wanting it to continue forever and begin to try grasping it, don't let it go! When I sit with breath and feel all that rise, I can stop and feel the place where my foot makes contact with the floor. That is a very neutral space. It is not all wonderful there. It is not a space where I feel I must grasp or else lose the light. So at the very least, not *all* so precious that I don't want to lose it. It's a glimpse of a space where there is something happening (or nothing happening) that is not about joy, love, celebration that I fear will end too soon.

It is just a space of IS.

And I come back to breath. It begins to dawn on me that *all* of it just IS.

Many other realizations.

When grief does come, it forces us into the present moment. We are so overwhelmed that there is no space for anything but the present moment. The dead body. The services. The whatever. The impatient world tries to rush us through it all. Take the body away as soon as possible. G-d forbid you might want photos of the body -- look at all the horrible energy and words thrown toward the Duggar's when they chose to have family photos taken with their baby who died. The impatient world labels and judges. The impatient world wants you to get over it or get better as soon as possible. G-d forbid you might need more than three days death/grief leave from work or that a bereaved father might want to take his full paternity leave after his baby has died.

Being silent and fully in my body alone for this week made me realize that instead of acquiescing to the impatient world, we could be doing the exact opposite when grief forces us into the present moment. We could, instead, lean into the present moment. Exaggerate it. Move even more slowly on purpose. Feel every muscle and bone and breath in our body as we hold the body of our dead loved ones. Feel every muscle and bone and breath in our body as we decided on services or funeral plans. Feel every muscle and bone and breath in our body as we slowly eat every meal in the months after someone we love has died.

The world would be a much different place if we allowed people to stay with the present moment that grief forces us to anyway.

+++

At some point, too, I discovered that the way the retreat was programmed just wasn't a fit for me. There were over 100 people. Silent and moving slow, to be sure. But still that is a LOT of electricity pouring form 100 heartbeats when sitting in meditation hall.

So much like I would make the world different by allowing people to stay with whatever grief forced upon them in the present moment, I decided to make the retreat different by allowing myself to stay with what IS.

When the 100 people came into the hall to sit meditation, I went outside and walked meditation or did my work meditation. No one around. Peace.

When the 100 people came out to walk or work, I went inside and sat meditation in the hall. Usually no one around -- maybe one or two others, but that's it. Peace.

When the 100 people rushed down to dining hall for meals, I walked extra slow. Or I did something else till meal time was almost over and didn't go down till just before the food would be cleared away. I ate slow and skipped the meditation sits right after dinner, opting instead to take another full hour to finish eating.

It was just another way of moving with the breath that breathes me. Honoring what my own pace was. Getting the most out of what the sacred space and time was offering without cow-towing to any "program" or getting in the way of others.

Maybe it's just another reflection of how I live my everyday life -- work and live all night long, sleep days. I can't stand trying to work and live when the whole neighborhood is awake and teaming with people. I have been the opposite of the "real" world for a very long time.

Leaning into that fact in the extreme was incredibly restful and renewing for this weary soul having a body experience!

+++

Other realizations.

I do not like being away from Hawk. Since the day Kota died, I have not wanted to be away from Hawk because it will never been enough time between now and when the breath stops breathing one of us. Why miss a moment together ever? When venturing to go off to something like this silent retreat last week, it is often with a criss crossed heart because I miss him so much.

And when I miss him that much, my drama queen mind goes to catastrophe. What if something happens and I never get to see him alive again? While meditating, I touched on this of course. This time though, as I let the breath breathe me and there is a rush of memory.

After Kota died, I hated life. I wanted more time with him and felt cheated that I didn't get it. But then I set about making as much time with him as I wanted anyway. I said fuck the world.

Instead, I fussed with Kota's baby book. Made art for and about him and his absence. Eventually mussed around with the nursery items. Wrote letters to him. Wrote books and articles about life in this alternative reality. On his birthday each year, we made time with him. On holidays, we set empty chair for him. I took as much time as I damn well wanted.

In mediation when the catastrophe scenarios set in, I realized that the whole process after Kota's death built skills in me that nothing and no amount of time can take away from me. If and when I have to out live another loved one, when the feelings of being cheated out of enough time with them set in, I know now how to fuck the world and make as much time with the other person as I want and need.

In the end, it was a basic Buddha story that brought it all home and heart for me.

A farmer comes to Buddha with stories of all his problems. His crops, his wife, his kids, the grief, the hardship, this, that, the other. He asks how Buddha can help him. Buddha says, "Nope. Sorry. I can't help you." The farmer protests that Buddha is suppose to be some kind of teacher or healer and how can it be that he won't help with these problems.

Buddha tells the farmer everyone has 83 problems. Some get resolved and fall off the list of 83 and then a few more crop up to take the spaces. Ultimately, we all always have 83 problems. That's life. Buddha can't help with that. But maybe he can help with the 84th problem. The farmer asks what the 84th problem is and Buddha says, "That everyone thinks they shouldn't have the other 83 problems for some reason."

In the end, it is about accepting the fact that I will always have 83 problems and how can I be well anyway!?!

Have problems.
Be well anyway.

There it is.

+++

There was one last experience that really brought me out of the retreat and back to the world, too.

After several days and nights there, I was reaching a crisis point. It was dark, cold, and coming out of the dining hall I saw the star clusters in the sky that my family considers to be reminders of our dead boys. I tried to ignore it all and walk silently up the dark path to the meditation hall. But the tears came in sobs. Other people passed me in their scurry to the meditation. Rightly, my breakdown was not their concern and I was not interested in breaking my silence anyway. I moved off the path into a very dark spot where I knew there was a bench to sit down.

At first as the last people crossed the path in front of me, they knew I was there because I was still crying and they could hear that. But then my sobs went silent, too, and I was screaming in my head at Buddha and at my dead boys, asking WHY the fuck am I still here. This is all so pointless. I demanded answers. I'd freeze to death out in the cold that night, refusing to move till Buddha and my dead boys answered me. WHY?????????? What the fuck is the reason I am still here.

At this point, everyone had made their way to the meditation. There was no one around for miles. Then one last stray person came in a dash up the path of the hill, running to get to meditation. But they stopped on the path, just across from me. They did not know I was there as I was still silent and back a ways in the dark at the bench.

I swear to G-d, they stopped, looked up at the star clusters I had just been screaming at in my head, and then farted the longest, loudest fart I have ever heard in my entire life.

And then the person dashed off again just as fast as they'd been running before and I heard them rush into the meditation hall, door clunking behind them.

Total silence. And total dark again. Except for me, now sideways on the bench, laughing my ass off at that fart.

I had my answer.
Why?
Fart.

I laughed my ass off that entire night.
In fact I never did go back for meditation again because I could not stop laughing which would have disturbed everyone else's meditations in the hall.

Summary

Why?

Fart.

Problems?

Be well anyway.

+++

Last but not least, I am glad to be home with my Hawk as today is Solstice and it is his birthday! I share the odd photo above to showcase the meat pie in the sky we saw while in Berkeley. Add candles to it and wa-la, "Happy Birfffffday to you, Hawk Jones!" :)

It's good to be back. But don't look for me to pick up any sort of speedy pace again anytime in the future. There are a truck load of emails, calls, and to-do list items piled up awaiting my return. I will get to everything eventually (or maybe not if the breath stops breathing me any time soon), but I simply will not rush anymore. Sorry. Can't do it.

So while I used to say 24 to 48 hours for reply. Maybe. But it might just as easily be a week or two, too. It will
all happen when it happens in the pace I can live peacefully with -- and if that pace doesn't keep up with what you need, want, or expect, then please know there is a busy world of others out there who might suit you better. I peacefully wish you to be well today for Solstice and every single day in the new year -- at whatever your own pace is.

Reiki to one and all...
Miracles,
k-

Off the radar & happy Frida holidays [days 342 to 352 of 365 project]

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Henna) — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 05:19:00 +0000

We got there early in the daylight...

We bought two luminaries - donations made in the names of all the children named here, all the children everywhere, who are gone too soon, MISSed so much...

At 5pm the bells at the chapel rang out...

And people fanned out all over the property, lighting one candle to the next, and then each in turn, beginning to light the luminaries. There were 6,000 total...it was so beautiful. I have video footage that shows it much better, but that will wait for Winter Solstice post. In the meantime, photos...

There were music stages in three or for different spaces around Tlaquepaque...there was warm apple cider for all...and a few of us shared kleenex when the tears flowed...

Before we left, we made our stop at the shop Nectar. They carry the most wonderful Day of the Dead items all year long. I loooooooved her window display -- this is my kind of skellie holiday display!

And the Frida Skellie that started this post -- you can see below, came home with us. She is my holiday ornament this year for the boyz. I loved her red and gold glittery hair. I loved that her eyes and earrings are small skellies, too. Just fell in love with her...

And with all that said and done, I'm just posting an FYI that I'll be off the radar for a bit which is why this post will cover us out till day 352 of 365. Heading to a week long silent retreat. No phone. No computer. No books. No talking to anyone there. Not even any writing except to maybe sketch a few images as notes of my experience. Walking silent. Sitting silent. Eating silent. Doing chores silent. Just plain old silent. I'll either go completely insane or you'll never hear from me again coz I won't come back I'll love it so much!

So here's to holiday insights. Here's to truly silent nights for a few. I'm sure I'll have something to share upon return...see ya flip side!
Miracles,
k-