Happy Mother’s Day to all. We hope you received flowers and cards, and lots of love, especially from the over-21 set! Thankfully the breakfast-in-bed days (all those crumbs) are over.

While Mother’s Day traditionally is a time for our children to acknowledge what paragons of parenting (!!) we have been, it’s also  the perfect time to say thank you to our children too.  When we look back over the past two or three decades we realize how much our lives have been enriched by our children.  Yes, most important, by whom they are as human beings, both growing up and now. Beyond that, there are so many things we all would have never experienced if we didn’t have children.

I started thinking about what my list included. My oldest two children are boys, and thanks to them I learned about space shuttles,  dinosaurs,  losing sports teams (Mets and Jets),  Hulk Hogan, youth sports including roller hockey, baseball, basketball, lacrosse, football, Notre Dame football, the Marines, law school, Wall Street, and on and on.  Thanks to my daughter, American Girl dolls, Barbie dolls, Disney princesses, choral groups, musical theater, ballet, tap, jazz, lacrosse, Shakespeare plays,  girls’ weekends, authentic Italian food, designer clothes and accessories, and, of course, Harry Potter. And with them all, endless books and wonderful adventures.

We all can reel off our own lists of the places we’ve been literally and figuratively with our children. (I deliberately didn’t mention emergency rooms, orthopedists, principal’s offices, etc).  It’s been an incredible ride, with more to come. Our only regret is that it has gone by so fast. But time marches on, and we can’t stop it. The only thing we can do, as we noted in the past, is “Value the passing moment.”  Happy Mother’s Day!

May brings college graduations and the big migration back to the family home since many in the class of 2012 will join the ranks the underemployed and unemployed. In anticipation, an array of experts have offered advice on how to handle this home invasion. We have compiled a list of the best of these offerings and present them, with a few comments of our own, of course (in italics).

We begin with Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein, a psychologist in Philadelphia, who writes in a Psychology Today blog:

• Try not to be adversarial as you encourage your child to become more independent. The goal is to be supportive and understanding with a collaborative mindset. Be calm and firm in your demeanor. (The honeymoon period can end very quickly when your adult child is constantly underfoot; try to arrange to be home at different times.)
• If you can afford it, offer to help pay starting costs of rent on an apartment. (This will cost less in the long term than your shopping sprees or family therapy visits.)
• Make an agreement for decreasing contributions to rent until the child is fully responsible. (In writing so there’s no misunderstanding!)
• Remember that you always have the right to say, “I changed my mind” about a previous promise. (Your own circumstances may change. Be honest about why you are modifying the deal.)
• Remember you are not in a popularity contest. Be prepared for your child to reject you. He or she will most likely come around later. (Tough love is a lot easier to practice with a 13-year-old than a 23-year-old but sometimes the situation calls for it.)

In “7 Ways to straighten out your adult child” at Foxbusiness.com, the suggestions include:

• Change rooms. If feasible, put young adults who return home somewhere other than the rooms they grew up in. This will help send the signal that this is not a second childhood. (Perhaps not a first choice but certainly a novel approach, especially if you’ve already converted the childhood bedroom to a study.)
• Monitor job application activity…Chances are, mommy and daddy didn’t start out in their dream jobs, and young adults need to understand that they can’t be too choosy in a tough economy. (The dream job likely doesn’t exist out the gate; we need to remind them of that. The goal is a get-your-foot-in-the-door job, preferably paid. )
• Make volunteering a substitute for work. If your adult child can’t find a job, have them volunteer for a regular set of hours instead. (Establishing a routine is essential for all concerned to survive this limbo period.)
• Discuss all these expectations explicitly and up front…If they protest against “being treated like a child,” point out that you would lay down formal terms for any adult who sought to rent a room for you. (By discussing these points in a business-like manner, you are actually treating them as adults.)

From consultants Eileen and Jon Gallo who suggest in “Rules for When Your Child Moves Home” that before children move back in parents need to clarify with them:

• What is your role in the house? Nonpaying guest or member of the family? What chores are you going to do? Grocery shopping? Cooking? (It may be necessary to re-institute a “chores list” posted on the fridge so they remember that Tuesday means take-out-the-garbage and other assigned duties.)
• What are you going to do to earn money in the short term if you can’t get a job in your desired career? Flip hamburgers? Walk dogs? (It may seem like a step backwards but responsible babysitters are always in demand, especially in the summer for working moms, and the hours are often flexible.)
• When are you going to leave? It’s good to set a time limit — three months, six months, a year…It can always be renegotiated. (It’s often hard to quesstimate on this; set a reasonable goal, not next week!)

And from Forbes comes the advice to treat your adult children like you would an investment, to “create practical and profitable results instead of a doomed buy-and hold-strategy wherein your child never leaves the garage or basement.”

• Establish A Buy & Sell Price: By establishing what has to happen before they move back out on their own…the likelihood of a successful transition (investment) greatly improves. (Before they move out to their own place: How much money do they need to have saved? How much do they need to be earning? What can they afford for rent?)
• Monthly or Quarterly Review: Don’t assume they are looking for a job, saving money to move out or in order to return to grad school…or robbing your retirement blind. Set up a regular meeting to discuss progress and expectations. (If these meetings are scheduled in advance to occur on a specific date then it seems a lot less arbitrary on your part.)

These are all points to think about BEFORE they move back in. When they actually take up residence, rest assured they’ll be other issues that were not foreseen. To be continued…..

“You’re not wearing that?” How many times did we hear that and other critical comments from our mothers, not only as teens but also as twenty- and even thirty-somethings. My dear, departed mother sometimes made me crazy with her comments. When I complained to a therapist friend she replied, “Your mother knows which buttons to push because she installed them!” She was so right. Mothers know the insecurities sowed when we were children, and, as we become adults, can trigger negative feelings with off-hand (and often deliberate) remarks.

Now as parents of adult children we struggle not to repeat history, particularly when it comes to daughters. Yet the conflicts continue as the Wall Street Journal recounted last week in “’I'm Not Your Little Baby!’ Calling a Truce in Mother-Daughter Conflict.”  The article tallied a litany of prime topics for criticism: clothes, housekeeping, haircuts, husbands, weight, spending habits, grandchildren’s  behavior, makeup or lack thereof, how the dishwasher is loaded, and on and on!

Why do mothers act this way? Is it ingrained in our maternal DNA? Journalist Elizabeth Bernstein interviewed several therapists and reports that among the reasons for this behavior:

Mothers may place unrealistic and at times conflicting expectations on their daughters. They want their daughters to do things they didn’t get to do, but they also want their daughters to be like them. They want their daughters to respect them, and they want them to be a friend.

Of course, we don’t make friends with heaps of criticism, yet mothers often claim that their comments come from love not hostility. It sure doesn’t seem like love to daughters, who often feel they are being treated like little children or with unnecessary cruelness. The daughter’s feelings are magnified, Ms. Bernstein writes, because:

Underneath, they fear they’ve failed the one person they have been seeking approval from since before they could speak.

The opportunity to change this paradigm comes when we are the mothers and our little girls have become young adults. Does turning off the criticism mean biting your tongue, and never enjoying an honest relationship with a daughter? The long answer to that question has filled self-help books and countless hours of therapy. Thankfully, the Journal article provided several suggestions on how to improve the mother-daughter relationship. Some of them are admittedly difficult for both mother and daughters: “Leave your anger at the door” and figure out “What are we really fighting about?” The most-user friendly suggestion:

Find something fun and mutually satisfying to do together instead of the negative pattern. Art? Hiking? Antiquing? Couples who try new activities together are happier. It can be true of moms and daughters, too.

A great idea! Even those of us who enjoy good relationships with our adult daughters can strengthen the bond by spending time as friends, even if it means footing the bill for the spa facial or movie and dinner. Maybe this Mother’s Day the best gift we can receive is one that we give to our daughters to spend time in a criticism-free zone for a relaxed few hours while having fun together.

Of course, there are many mothers who don’t have an adversarial relationship with their daughters, some even taking that “friends” idea to an extreme. A fascinating look at a mother-daughter duo who really get along was provided in “My Mom is My BFF.”

In the New York magazine piece, journalist Paige Williams dissects  mother-daughter parenting styles over the decades and comes to the conclusion that in the 21st century:

Friendship became a kind of parenting strategy: By treating Child as Adult, parents hoped that the kid would actually become an adult, and a good one. The happy outcome for some: mothers and daughters who didn’t have to wait until middle or old age to actually enjoy each other’s company. To maintain peer-ness, there came a coinciding pressure to stay young, technologically supported by the capacity to stay young. Moms have never had at their disposal so many resources—so much paraphernalia—allowing them to shrink the generation gap. If they want, they can practically turn themselves back into teenagers.

Turning ourselves back into teenagers is a bit more work than most of us want to sign up for! However, perhaps we can consider that trip to the spa for a dual purpose: We cement mother-daughter bonding and look younger at the same time.

We received an invite to a most unusual birthday party last week. Journalist Allen Salkin, a long-time friend, celebrated his mother’s 70th birthday by mounting  a one-woman show in a Manhattan art gallery.

Toby Salkin now lives in southern California, where she paints “bold, flamboyant landscapes and poignant, reflective portraits” that are displayed in the “Faces and Houses” show at the 208 Gallery.

For her special birthday she wanted to return to the city where she was born and lived for 25 years. Allen was not content with simply throwing a party and arranged for hip Lower East Side  gallery to hold the show, complete with a gala opening.

Over the course of her life, Toby endured many hardships, Allen told the Local East Village, and he wanted to celebrate that at 70, “full of life still, she is finally fully basking in the thing she loves and starting to see some flickers of success.”

Happy Birthday, Toby, and sons take notes!

What would you do if your 19-year-old son told you that he and his on again-off again girlfriend were expecting a baby?  Writer Anne Lemott confronted that very question and wrote a book about it, “Some Assembly Required,” chronicling the first year of her grandson’s life.The passage was rocky, and it wasn’t just the midnight feedings. In the book, Ms. Lemott details her emotions about suddenly becoming a grandmother and her struggles with how much she should interfere/suggest/help  her son and his new baby.

The New York Times Motherlode Book Club selected “Some Assembly Required” for its reading list, generating a discussion about the difficulty of accepting an adult child’s choices. One of the best comments came from the father of two sons who calls himself the “Dudes’ Dad.” He writes:

Acceptance is at the heart of parenting. Acceptance, in fact, is a foundation to any deep relationship…It starts with the little things, such as their choices in food, clothes, friends, then some bigger items like career choice, and spouses, and it may sometimes come to what Anne Lamott is facing now in her relationship with Sam.

Acceptance is an essential ingredient in a life of love.

Of all the challenges of raising children, many parents struggle the most with accepting who their adult children have become as human beings and their resulting choices. Baby boomer parents tell tales of conflict over choices big and small,  from lifestyle, love and careers to a grandchild’s name. Yes, we can speak our piece but the ultimate decisions are in their hands. If we want a close relationship with our children, then there is often little choice but to accept their decisions.

So easy to say, and yet so hard to do! So how do parents learn acceptance? Some of us never do, and we make sure our children know of our disapproval and the relationship suffers as a consequence. Some of us grudgingly accept their decisions, and we remind our children every so often of that fact, and then wonder why they don’t call more often. And some of us find the inner strength to accept the situation and offer unconditional love to our children.

When it comes to adult children, we can’t change most things. We can withhold love, money, friendship, comfort and more  but in the end we lose.  In struggling to learn acceptance, perhaps the first line of  the “Serenity Prayer” offers some guidance: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.”  

Well,  that doesn’t really apply to any of us but in case you know anyone who is aging (!!!), pass along the tips from Mark Sherman, a psychologist and humor writer, with adult children children ranging in age from 31 to 47. Writing in a Psychology Today blog, Dr. Sherman offered some guidance for those of who find–shockingly–our adult children’s universe no longer revolves around us!  He writes:

• Remember that your children are busy. They are not retired. They may have small children of their own. They love you very much, but they have no time for you.
• Avoid the temptation to say, “You know, I won’t be around forever.” You may think this will get your adult children to think about spending more time with you, but it will probably get them thinking about what you may be leaving them in your will.
• Yes, yes, I know, your kids are raising their kids all wrong. They are overly permissive or they are too restrictive, or they are helicopter parents, or they are letting their children – your grandchildren – do dangerous things, or they are holding them back too much. But …”Remember this: Zip your lip.”
• That “zip your lip” line is an understatement when it comes to your child’s spouse or partner.
• If you can afford it, sending money is always a good idea.

Mother and daughter in "Tiny Furniture"

“Girls,”the new HBO show, dissects the lives of four young women as they leave childhood behind and struggle to navigate the adult world. Certainly not an easy task for these college grads as they extract themselves from parents (“No more money”), unpaid internships (“I am really going to miss your energy”) and boyfriends (“It’s a bummer, but people do outgrow each other”). The show generated immense media buzz for 24-year-old writer/producer/actress Lena Dunham.

While parents play a secondary role in the HBO series, Ms. Dunham puts the mother character front and center in her first film, “Tiny Furniture.” The film looks at the post-college malaise that swallows up the lead character, Aura, when she returns to a Tribecca loft shared with her successful artist mother and her high school senior sister. (Ms. Dunham plays the role of Aura and her real-life mother and sister play the mother and sister; her father declined a role!)

Since many of us are about to welcome our own college grads back home, we thought it might prove instructive to watch the 2010 “Tiny Furniture,” perhaps as cautionary tale. 

There’s no real plot to the film. Basically it follows Aura as she boomerangs back (“It’s my home too”) and wanders around a pristine white loft as her mother and her sister go about their purposeful lives. She eventually lands—and then quits—a job as a restaurant hostess, hangs out with bored friends who make YouTube videos, and allows a platonic boyfriend to crash in her apartment while her mother and sister are on a college tour.

While most reviews considered Aura’s perspective, we were most curious about how the mother, Siri, was portrayed and about her reaction to her daughter’s “post-grad delirium.” Siri, as with her real life alter ego, is an artist who photographs dolls and tiny furniture to “create self-contained worlds that function as psychological spaces.” (Good luck translating.) Aura seems noncommittal about her mother’s success until one day, when questioned about a missing case of wine (downed by her and friends), she lashes out, screaming and crying at her mother, “Did you ever have a job that wasn’t taking pictures of stupid tiny crap? Siri remains nonplussed, letting Aura rant and storm off.

While Siri often remains maddeningly calm (and incredibly patient), Aura occasionally pushes her buttons with a “sense of entitlement” and her incomprehension of why her mother could possibly want the boyfriend to move out. At one point Siri asks in exasperation, “Do you like living here?” Aura looks stunned, “That’s such a strange question. I love living here!”

Throughout the film, Aura wants to sleep in her mother’s bed, and finally Siri allows her daughter to climb in, and the tension melts. There’s no resolution; the film fades to credits with Aura rubbing her mother’s aching back while snuggling next to her.
Although a bit slow, the film portrayed the bundle of contradictions that tangle our new college grads: They love being home and they want to be independent; they want a career yet are scared to leap into the cold world. They’re still works in progress, which is often easy to forget; just because they come home with a pricy degree doesn’t mean they have a play-by-play game plan. And even if it did, given the economy, it’s hard to put that plan into action.

So as parents we try to sympathize—and assume multiple roles from career coach to therapist—without encouraging slacking. While it’s hard for us, it’s even harder for our young adults. In one scene in “Girls,” an gynecologist tells the character played by Ms. Dunham, “You could not pay me enough to be 24 again” Ms. Dunham answers, ”Well, they are not paying me at all.”

Although probably not its intent, “Tiny Furniture” makes clear how much has changed since we baby boomer parents were on the cusp of adulthood. Life at age 24 seemed easier in the 1960s and 70s when jobs were plentiful, college tuition and rents cheap, and relationships followed a traditional path. Maybe we need to show a little more understanding and patience as our adult kids try to find their way, even if they are driving us crazy in the process!

Earlier this year I posted about the wonderful experience of taking my college student daughter to the Harry Potter Theme Park in Orlando.  This week, Betty Ming Liu, a good friend an fellow journalist, returned from a 10-day trip to Paris with her teenage daughter, and posted  “Taking Your Daughter on Vacation” .

Betty writes about savoring the time with her daughter and quotes a beautiful Langston Hughes poem, “Mother to Son” that speaks to all of us whether we have sons or daughters.

We wish all our readers a Blessed Easter and Happy Passover with family and friends.

Dear Answer Mom: I still live in the same house I lived in before I got divorced. My children grew up here and they like to come back to it on holidays and whenever they have time. They don’t want me to sell it because they like the memories.

It makes me very sad though and keeps reminding me of better times. I’m afraid if I sell it I won’t see my children much and that scares me. I keep going back and forth with this. What do you advise? –Undecided

Dear Undecided: Sell! Your children’s memory lane runs right through your ghost town. It may be pleasant for them to look backward once in a while but looking backward all the time has got to cause a pain in the neck! Explain to them how difficult this is for you: how it keeps you from moving on with your life and how important their visits are no matter where you live. Tell them to leave the ghosts there and take their memories with them. Move out and move on! –The Answer Mom

Dear Answer Mom: My daughter, in her mid-twenties, was very hurt when she broke up an intense relationship. Now she’s going out with a man who some friends of mine know a little, and they think he has a weird sense of humor and is a little different. My daughter thinks he’s very funny but she’s evidently the only one who laughs. My friends tell me he’s got rocks in his head. I don’t know what to say to my daughter.

Now my sister-in-law is telling me I should advise her to drop him. She’s been lonely for a while now and she says he never does anything to hurt anyone and she has a great time with him. My friends think I’m wrong not to pressure her to give him up before she gets hurt again. Should I listen to them or what should I say to my daughter? -
Kate

Dear Kate: As long as the “rocks in his head” match the holes in her head it can work. Tell her to give it plenty of time to make sure those rocks won’t hurt her. Then, if she’s still laughing tell all the critics that she’s lucky to have found someone with the right rocks. –The Answer Mom

Dear Answer Mom: For the last 10 months, my 20-year old daughter has been dating another student at the community college they both attend. He lives on his own, and his grandparents pay his college tuition. They’ve decided that next year they are “going to their next college together.” Her grades have been medium and his a little lower.

It is his first real relationship and she goes from one long-term relationship to another. They want to live together at their next college. My husband and I are against it. We are not against living together per se, just not at college especially since neither one is a great student. We are not sure whether to tell her we won’t pay her tuition if she does this against our judgment. Do you think we should do that? –Worried

Dear Worried: Tell her because you love her and really care about her future you will continue paying tuition but you will not pay the living expenses if they refuse to listen to your advice and insist on living together. Since they are not great students they each need solo time to do their work without being distracted by togetherness. If they live together they will have to get part time employment to pay their own rent. Hopefully, they will both graduate with degrees and then, of course, where they live and with whom and who pays for it is up to them. –The Answer Mom

Problems? Want answers? Ask THE ANSWER MOM Email Helen Oxenberg, MSW,  at Helen@mothering 21.com or email helox72@comcast.net