It was a lavish New York wedding on a perfect summer’s eve, covered by the media with the fascination reserved for movie stars, moguls – and the offspring of a former President and the Secretary of State.  But the steady buzz surrounding last weekend’s union between Chelsea Clinton and her longtime beau, Marc Mezvinsky, has extended beyond hearts-and-flowers and Vera Wang dresses to a complex issue that impacts – and divides – many American families: interfaith marriage.

On Saturday the radiant bride (a Methodist) and handsome groom (a Conservative Jew) were united “beneath an immense chuppah made of woven willow branches, white roses and hydrangeas,” wrote The Washington Post. Presided over by a minister and a Reform rabbi, the interfaith ceremony incorporated a number of traditional Jewish elements: the groom wore a kippah and tallit (skullcap and prayer shawl) and broke a glass underfoot, the couple signed a decorative ketubah (Jewish marriage contract), and was regaled with the chanting of the shevah brachot (“seven blessings” for the newlyweds). The celebration that followed featured an exuberant hora, complete with Chelsea and Marc and both sets of parents hoisted high onto chairs above the dancing guests.

If this was culture shock to the church-going mother of the bride, she didn’t show it. When asked about Chelsea’s approaching marriage during a recent interview with NBC Nightly News, Hillary Rodham Clinton was a model of acceptance:

“I think it says a lot about not only the two young people involved and their strong love but also their deep faith, both of them. But it says a lot about the United States, it says a lot about this wonderful experiment known as America, where we recognize the right that every single person has to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And over the years so many of the barriers that prevented people from getting married, crossing lines of faith, or color or ethnicity, have just disappeared. Because what’s important is, are you making a responsible decision, have you thought it through, do you understand the consequences? And I think that in the world we’re living in today, we need more of that…”

A  USA Today article titled “Clinton-Mezvinsky wedding reflects mix of religions in USA” didn’t specifically deal with “crossing lines of… color or ethnicity” – nor will this post; but it did spotlight interfaith marriage as a growing trend, painting it a much less rosy hue when both partners are deeply committed to different religions:

“… life-cycle decisions will loom, from baptism (No? Yes? Whose church?) to burial (Can you rest in sacred ground of another faith?).

Every rite of passage, sacred ritual and major holy day will require negotiation: First Communion? Bar or bat mitzvah? Passover Seder, Easter vigil or Eid Al-Fitr feast to break Islam’s Ramadan fast?

Looking on: Parents and clergy who fear that distinctive beliefs, sacred rituals and centuries-old cultural traditions will be diluted or discarded.”

And in the “On Faith” section of last week’s Washington Post, a whopping 20 panelists, representing believers and nonbelievers of many  stripes, used the Clinton-Mezvinsky marriage as a jumping-off point for provocative discussion:

“Statistics show that 37 percent of Americans have a spouse of a different faith. Statistics also show that couples in interfaith marriages are ‘three times more likely to be divorced or separated than those who were in same-religion marriages.’  Is interfaith marriage good for American society? Is it good for religion? What is lost -and gained -when religious people intermarry?”

Nowhere is this is a topic of more heated debate than in the American-Jewish community, where the latest statistics (from the 2001 Jewish Population Survey, updated in 2004) revealed that intermarriage among younger Jews (those married after 1996) was at the 47% mark. While this high rate reflects, on the one hand, the acceptance of  Jews into this country’s mainstream, it’s become a call to action among  those who are deeply concerned about Jewish continuity – even, some allege, Jewish survival.

The thing is, those actions vary widely. While the more liberal denominations – Reform and to a lesser degree, Conservative – embrace interfaith families and pledge to provide them with meaningful Jewish experiences, not all Reform rabbis, and no Conservative rabbis, will consent to take part in a ceremony like the Clinton-Mezvinsky’s.  Among the Orthodox, there are those who will still “sit shiva” for a child who betrays Torah principles by marrying outside the faith, severing all ties like Tevye the Milkman vowed to do in “Fiddler on the Roof.” But even within Orthodoxy, some are beginning to grapple with the notion that Judaism cannot afford to turn its back on its children who marry out, or on non-Jewish spouses who (in some instances) commit to raising Jewish children and who may even opt to enter the fold someday, if the door is left open.

In a recent article in The Jewish Week, Conservative rabbi and award-winning blogger Joshua Hammerman wrote movingly of today’s intermarriage conundrum, as it plays out for the faithful living in a time and place of blessed inclusion and diversity.  He concluded:

“Would I sit shiva for my child if he married out? Would I officiate at his wedding?

No and no.

But would I celebrate?

In the words of [Tevye] the immortal dairyman: ‘I’ll tell you… I don’t know.’

But I know that, like Abraham, I will love anyone who comes into my home with an unconditional, unbounded love. I’ll do it because it is precisely that kind of love that will bring renewed vitality to the Jewish people and eternal relevance to the Jewish message.

And I’ll do it because, as I’m sure Tevye would agree, loving our neighbor is a tradition; for it reminds us who we are and what God expects us to do.”

~~~~~~~

What’s a “chuppah,” anyway?  The traditional Jewish marriage canopy stands as the couple’s first “home” together as husband and wife, a sacred space that is open and welcoming on all sides, as were the tents of Abraham and Sarah in Biblical times.  On August 1, 1982 – 28 years before Chelsea Clinton stood under her chuppah – I stood under mine. This poem expresses not only what the canopy symbolizes – but what marriage itself can mean, for hopeful partners of all faiths and no faith, and through the generations.

The Chuppah
by Marge Piercy

The chuppah stands on four poles.
The home has its four corners.
The chuppah stands on four poles.
The marriage stands on four legs.
Four points loose the winds
that blow on the walls of the house,
the south wind that brings the warm rain,
the east wind that brings the cold rain,
the north wind that brings the cold sun
and the snow, the long west wind
bringing the weather off the far plains.

Here we live open to the seasons.
Here the winds caress and cuff us
contrary and fierce as bears.
Here the winds are caught and snarling
in the pines, a cat in a net clawing
breaking twigs to fight loose.
Here the winds brush our faces
soft in the morning as feathers
that float down from a dove’s breast.

Here the moon sails up out of the ocean
dripping like a just washed apple.
Here the sun wakes us like a baby.
Therefore the chuppah has no sides.

It is not a box.
It is not a coffin.
It is not a dead end.
Therefore the chuppah has no walls.
We have made a home together
open to the weather of our time.
We are mills that turn in the winds of struggle
converting fierce energy into bread.

The canopy is the cloth of our table
where we share fruit and vegetables
of our labor, where our care for the earth
comes back and we take its body in ours.

The canopy is the cover of our bed
where our bodies open their portals wide,
where we eat and drink the blood
of our love, where the skin shines red
as a swallowed sunrise and we burn
in one furnace of joy molten as steel
and the dream is flesh and flower.

O my love O my love we dance
under the chuppah standing over us
like an animal on its four legs,
like a table on which we set our love
as a feast, like a tent
under which we work
not safe but no longer solitary
in the searing heat of our time.

Dear Answer Mom: I’m embarrassed and don’t know what to tell relatives and friends. My son, who’s only 26, got married in a big wedding 6 months ago because the bride wanted a big affair. Nobody knew the bride was pregnant. Now the baby was just born and some people are asking if the baby came early. What do I say? –Embarrassed Mom

Dear Embarrassed Mom: Just smile and say the baby didn’t come early, the wedding came late! Be happy that at least there was a wedding. You’re probably a young Grandma. Celebrate. Congratulations for a healthy baby, Grandma. Concentrate on that.

Dear Answer Mom: I think we’re going backwards in time. I’m upset about my daughter who wants to have breast enlargement done. I thought the feminist movement helped women to accept themselves and their bodies but it evidently hasn’t helped my daughter. She has a boyfriend although she’s not engaged to him but I think she’s trying to please him by doing this. She’s a lovely young woman and I think this is completely unnecessary but what do you think I can say or do that might influence her without alienating her? –Aggravated

Dear Aggravated: First she needs to understand that her breasts are not there for any boyfriend. They’re for her and for any babies she may nurse in the future. She also needs to understand that normal women come in all shapes and sizes and their attractiveness, including their sex appeal, does not depend on the size of their breasts no matter what the unreal models and actresses look like in pictures. She needs to understand and value herself but obviously she doesn’t so I would recommend that you ask her to at least see a therapist for a while before she does this unnecessary procedure. After that if she’s an adult it’s her choice.

Dear Answer Mom: I have two married sons who live in two different states. I get along well with each couple. I’m a young sudden widow now and they each said I should move near one of them so they can help me as I get older. They want me to choose which one I’ll move near and they say it won’t make any difference which one I choose. Do you think it’s a good idea for me to do this – choosing I mean? I won’t be moving in with them but just be living nearby–Deanne

Dear Deanne: Moving near one of them is a good idea if you’ve thought it through and want to do that. Choosing between them is not. When we want to teach kids to be fair when they share we have one of them cut a piece of cake in two and the other one then gets to choose his piece. That was easy – a “piece of cake” as the saying goes. This however, is no piece of cake. You’re right to be hesitant about making a choice between them. So, after assuring them you’ll be happy near either one, insist that  they’ll  have to choose which one you live near. That’s your insurance against the “Mom loves you best” sibling syndrome.

Questions for the Answer Mom?  Send them to Helen Oxenberg, MSW, ACSW at Helen@mothering21.com.

Whether mom’s golden child or her black sheep, siblings who sense that their mother consistently favors or rejects one child over others are more likely to show depressive symptoms as middle-aged adults. –from a study on “parental favoritism”

Last week we ran part one of an interview with Purdue University sociologist Jill Suitor who for more than two decades has studied family issues, with a particular interest in how favoritism impacts children.Her most recent study was the first to look at how being mom’s favorite—or not—impacts adults. 

The study drew on research from in-person interviews with hundreds of Boston-area moms followed by telephone interviews with their adult children.  The results found that adult children who believe their mother played favorites were more likely to be depressed. Symptoms ranged from feeling lonely, sad, and unmotivated, to trouble concentrating and other negative feelings across the spectrum. 

In a phone interview, Prof. Suitor recently discussed her research with Mothering21:

Previous research had indicated that children and teens to be negatively impacted by favoritism but what about adults?

There was always assumption that if there was an impact among adults it either went away or didn’t matter or no one was willing to admit to it.  Now we find that it seems to have a very similar effect in adults as in childhood.

Do adult children still care about which sibling is the golden child?

If anything perceptions of favoritism are even stronger in adults and may be more prominent in adulthood.

When you asked adult children if there was a favorite child were they accurate,  based on what the mom told you?

 Kids are right about 75 percent of time as to whether mom named a favorite but accurate only about half the time which child is the favorite one.

 Which adult children were likely to guess wrong?

 The kids almost 100 certain that “of course, mom choose me” were the most inaccurate. Mom must do something that makes them aware of that because they are accurate that there’s favorite but not which child. So how do they know that but guess wrong so often? We’re looking into that now.

 We know from your research that the favorite child is often the one the mother feels most emotionally close to and the most supportive of her.  As we grow older does the favorite’s child remain the same?

 We are just beginning to study this issue and the question of whether a mother goes to the same child all the time for support, or does she go to different child when unhappy or for advice or to go with her to the doctor. We’re trying to figure out if there’s truly an all-purpose favorite child and what make a difference in consequences.

Parental Finance 101

More than 40 percent of parents still provide financial support to their 23- to 28-year-olds.  How do you know when to offer and help and when to cut off the cash flow. Financial expert  Beth Kobliner offered some advice in “Help Your Grown Child Without Going Broke.”

 
When to help (if you can afford it) : Paying for health insurance, helping with rent

When to think twice : Assisting with student loans, offering a loan

When to just say ‘no’ : Bailing out bad shopping, co-signing on a credit card

 Buy Your Kid a Job???

For the adult child who has everything: how about your own business?  That what Wall Street Journal columnist Sue Shellenbarger found some parents are doing when confronted with the weak job market for new grads. 

 In “Kids Can’t Find a Job, Buy Them a Business,” Ms. Shellenbarger interviewed 10 parents who purchased franchise companies—from business services to restaurants—for their children. What she found: 

The setups can be stressful for parents and children alike. Parents try to strike the right balance between meddling too much and protecting their investment. And adult kids would prefer to be financially independent; some had to move back in with their parents to get their businesses off the ground.

But the parents I interviewed said that so far, the potential rewards justified worth the risk. “As a parent, the best gift you can ever receive is to see your children happy and successful,” one father said.

“You’re mom’s favorite!” How many times did your children throw that taunt at each other?  How many times were they right that you secretly harbored a favorite?   Maybe it was the “easy” child who took naps and did well in school and survived the teenage years relatively unscathed while another child careened from one difficulty to another.

Now that the children are adults they may not shout those words anymore, but the perception—and impact– of perceived favoritism remains, according to a new study:

 ”Whether mom’s golden child or her black sheep, siblings who sense that their mother consistently favors or rejects one child over others are more likely to show depressive symptoms as middle-aged adults.”

The study surveyed 275 mothers and adult children and found that favoritism can impact the psychological well-being of adults, even those who have been living on their own for years.  Previous research indicated that children and teens can suffer behavior problems as a result of parental favoritism.

The study’s authors, Cornell University gerontologist Karl Pillemer and Purdue University sociologist Jill Suitor, have examined family issues related to siblings for more than two decades.

Mothering21 looked at some of the research that Prof. Suitor and her colleagues conducted and talked to her one recent morning at length about her work.  The favorite child has long been scrutinized, as Prof. Suitor wrote in the introduction to one of her studies:

“Literature and history abound with stories of parental favoritism, beginning with the Biblical story of Israel favoring his last-born son Joseph and continuing to Pat Conroy’s novel Beach Music. In the early 20th century, both Sigmund Freud, who was his mother’s favorite, and Alfred Adler, who was not, noted the potential consequences of such favoritism for children’s development.”

It wasn’t until the 1980s that the subject became to be the topic of  academic study. Since then the research has come to a firm conclusion.  Prof. Suitor told us:

“Favoritism seems to be a really bad thing. We know that from 20 years of research on children.  It’s bad whether you are the favorite child or perceive there’s a favorite child.  The favored child often does not get along with siblings.”

Before we look at the most recent study, we discussed with Prof. Suitor some of the previous research on favorite children.  What the studies have found:

Parents are more likely to favor:

• daughters
• children who share their values
• children who lead normal lives
• children who have provided parents with support
• children who are geographically close
• last-borns, followed by first-borns

Does favoring one child make you a “bad” mother?  Not so, says Prof.  Suitor pointing out that favoritism is most often determined not by mother but rather by the behavior of the children.  The research has shown that if all the adult children are leading similar lives then there tends to be less favoritism.  On the other hand, says Prof. Suitor, “If one kid is going to Yale Law School, and the other kid is facing a prison term then it’s obvious which one is preferred.” 

When adult children have problems brought on by their own misdeeds or behavior, then they do tend to be less favored. However mothers often say they are closest to children who “needed them more” because of  a mental or health issues not of their own doing.

 Before you start feeling guilty about favoring one child over the other, Prof. Suitor has some reassuring advice:

 ”Whether kids feel really loved is more important than the perception that mom favors a particular child.”

 Next week:  Favoritism from the adult children’s perspective

Warning on lithium cell batteries

If swallowed, these tiny round batteries trigger a chemical reaction that can kill children.

Citing a medical journal  report, a New York Times health blog post  reported that the ingestion of lithium cell batteries can burn a hole in a child’s esophagus as severely as drain opener.

The batteries are found in talking books, musical cards, remote controls, watches, garbage door openers and in many toys and other devices. From the article:

In 60 percent of the cases involving children under age 6, the child has removed the battery from the electronic device. The problem is that most parents are not even aware when it happens, yet studies show the battery begins to cause severe damage within just two hours of ingestion

Give a Helping Hand to New Parents

How to be a great grandparent? By helping the new parents in myriad ways.  “The 10 things you don’t say to parents but should” offered several suggestions for being supportive of your adult children as they become parents themselves:

• Please, let me do the dishes! Or the laundry! Or change the baby’s diaper, then make dinner! I’m here to help!
• Don’t worry; you’re wonderful parents. We all make mistakes sometimes – as I know only too well.
• I’m here if you need me.
• All parents feel insecure sometimes …especially with their first child.
• I promise to follow your rules … as much as humanly possible.
• I support your decisions…If you want my opinion, I know you’ll ask for it. (You cannot repeat this often enough.)

Good advice for dealing with adult children

A few  common sense pointers for getting along with the kids were offered in “Parenting An Adult Child.” The tips include:

• Remember – They Aren’t Five Years Old Anymore
• Ask Questions But Avoid Grilling Them
• Keep Your Mouth Shut And Listen

Create a welcome environment and let them spill it out rather than trying to force it from them.  They will seek your advice when they feel they need it, especially if they feel you’ll really listen to them.

 

What do you remember about the hands-on parenting years? (Yes, some of us are still hand’s on!)  The drudgery, the diapers, the fevers, the frustration of tiny tots and toddlers?  The arguments, the tensions, the policing of tweens and teens?  Or have the years smoothed away the rough spots and what you remember the most are  “I love you mommy,” the sweet little kisses, reading books, playing games, grammar school plays and sports, sharing adventures, and family traditions? 

 There’s no doubt that those heavy-lifting years are difficult at times.  But enough to make you love your children but hate your life?  Apparently so for some young parents as reported by a cover story in New York Magazine a week ago and a segment on “Why Some Parents Hate Parenting” on the Today show last Thursday.

 “It’s not that you don’t love your kids; it’s all those other things that come along with the job.” –Today host Meredith Vierra 

 Both the article and the segment cited several happiness studies that found child-rearing ranked low on a list of activities in terms of overall satisfaction. Napping, cooking and housework all tallied higher than the child-rearing.  Who wouldn’t rather nap or cook than change a diaper?  In her New York piece, Jennifer Senior wrote:

 Most people assume that having children will make them happier. Yet a wide variety of academic research shows that parents are not happier than their childless peers, and in many cases are less so.

In both her article and on the Today show, Ms. Senior blamed the unhappiness how “the experience of raising children has fundamentally changed.”  Yes it did change…about three decades ago when Baby Boomers professionalized parenting, carrying babies in one arm and a load of baby books in the other. Professional parenting only spurred more books, more studies, more websites (and blogs!) and movies from Baby Boom to Away We Go (in which a young mom refuses to use a stroller because it pushes the baby away from her!) 

Some of those studies attempt to measure happiness  minute by minute. The reality is that many of us have mixed feelings about almost any experience whether raising kids or work or vacations or going to the gym.  Daily life is filled with ambivalence, noted psychiatrist Gail Saltz, who also appeared in the Today segment. As far as happiness, she explained, it varies greatly on whether you’re trying to measure happiness in the present or recall a time in the past or looking to the future.

When a toddler is throwing up it’s hard to be happy. The routines become numbing when  you’re doing laundry, shuttling kids to activities, worrying about bills. But there finally does come a time, after 20 or 30 years, when the memories filter out many of those wrenching—and retching—moments.  Instead the focus shifts to the  magical moments of parenting, both special and everyday.  Then our lament becomes not how hard it is but how quickly the time passed.  The good news: You get to do it all over again,  the “lite” fun version, as a grandparent!

ET: Text Home!

The secret to staying in contact with your adult children is learning to text.  They won’t answer the phone but they will text you. When a 25-year-old is texting in a bar no one know it’s to his mom about Sunday dinner not a hot date. 

Huffing ton Post writer Elizabeth Cunningham discovered this after not hearing from her adult children for a few weeks: In Sacred Text(ing): Staying in Touch With Adult Children, she writes

Nature abhors a vacuum, and a mother can fill a silence with all kinds of worries and projections. It is even worse when I break down and leave a voice mail or send an email that goes unanswered.

She learned to text and found her kids actually text back.  So if you haven’t learned how to text maybe her reaction will inspire you:

Really, it’s not about me. That’s what texting is teaching me. They’re fine. They know I’m there. I’m the background of their lives, not the focus, the harbor to their open sea, the boulder or tree that serves as a point of reference. That is as it should be. Also, I am making a rule (for myself only) out of respect for the sacred text: Not to do it more than once a week (or maybe twice!)

More Tips For Boomerang Kids

Making it Work When Boomerang Kids Come Back to the Nest includes most of the standard advice of how to get along when an adult child moves back home. The piece nicely summarized:

The big idea is this: this living arrangement should be viewed as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for a boomerang adult to improve their financial situation and get a fresh start.

Good parents give their children roots and wings. Roots to know where home is, wings to fly away and exercise what’s been taught them. — Jonas Salk

Last week we ran part one of an interview with Dr. Carl Pickhardt about allowing our adult children to lead independent lives.  Dr. Pickhardt asserts that to adapt to their changing roles parents need to make attitude adjustments of  “tolerance, reversal, and demotion.”  Why is that so hard?  Why is it so difficult  to accept that our adult children may want to their own lives, not the scenario we plotted out?  

Many young adults have a much difference perspective on life than their parents at the same age: They take longer to start careers, they marry later, they have fewer children and at a later age, or maybe even no children.  Why do so many parents struggle with accepting these differences?

Parents believe the false equation that parent equals child.  They think that how well or poorly a child does in life equals how good or bad the parenting was. It’s hard for parents to accept that an adult child makes independent choices that don’t fulfill some of the parent’s expectations or dreams, particularly if the parent sacrificed and saved to fund that dream.

So junior becomes a professional surfer instead of a scholar.  That stings when parents get together with friends and start the “how are the kids doing?” discussion.

There’s a lot of competitive parenting that goes on in our culture. “How are the kids doing?” is performance question and parents feel that reflects on them.  The most important thing between a parent and adult child is that the bond of love grows and strengthens over time.  That has nothing to do with how the child is performing.  It has to do with power of that relationship, and the joy that comes from it.

Isn’t there also a sense from parents that if they gave the child “everything”—a good education, endless lessons, tutors, summer camps, vacations—that the least the child could do is become a neurosurgeon? 

You never make an investment without an expectation of a return. Many parents self sacrificed to provide their children with all the ingredients for success and now they expect a return on their investment. And they want one that reflects well on their parenting. Sometimes, especially with one child, it’s called vanity parenting.

If a parent can adapt and accept, the next step is reversal.  When children were growing up their lives centered on us. Now we have to reverse roles and to fit into their lives, and on their terms?

Our task as parents is to understand what they believe is important in their lives and to respect their agenda for what needs to happen in their lives.  Initially this can be easy if an adult child has successfully launched, and you enjoy spending time together, maybe even taking trips. You are finally reaping the rewards of all the hard work and then lo and behold the child takes off into other attachments.

So now child goes from one family to three: yours, her own and her partner’s family?

The adult child’s time is fractured into three different loyalties and suddenly parents are not as getting same amount of access and attention.  When the adult child and partner become parents, you become less important than this new child. Less important doesn’t mean less loved, only less of a priority.

So that’s the demotion too. How do your suggest parents adjust and accept that?

Realize that it’s no longer a matter of your adult child focusing on you and your world.  You really become a follower of their life. You have to take the initiative to stay connected with them, to express authentic interest in their lives, and to be involved with them in a way that doesn’t mean showing up on their door step everyday.

Let’s go back to that primal response you write about.  That’s a key way to stay involved and connected?

That primal response is huge.  That “watch me” never goes away as the adult child wants to be celebrated by their parents.  A parent who doesn’t do that denies a primal need. The denial saddens the adult child that the parent is not willing to be part of their life on their terms.

You mentioned that the German poet Rainer Maria Rilke beautifully expressed  the ideas we talked about. The quote?

“Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.”

What is the American Dream for our Adult Children?  

The New York Times loves to track trends—sometimes real, sometime manufactured–for the sake of a story.  “The American Dream Is Elusive for New Generation” is the newspaper’s  latest contribution to the tsunami of articles on emerging adults.  It’s the woeful tale of a 2008 college grad who, after two years of looking, can’t find work.  Oh yes, he did turn down a $40,000 offer from an insurance company because it was a job not a career. We won’t criticize his decision;  the dozens of comments did that. 

Two questions left hanging.  The first: What is the 2010 version of the American Dream? Is the goal  to do better financially than your parents?  Do have a nicer, bigger house?  To climb the career ladder higher?  Or in this economy is the American dream simply to have a job that seems to be leading somewhere?  Or to have a job that you actually enjoy and find fulfilling?  That seems to be the goal of many young adults, and not easily attainable.  But like the young man in the article some young adults are holding out for that dream, even turning down offers. 

The other question then is how long should parents support their post-graduate adult children?  The young man in the Times piece recently moved in with his (employed) older brother and the parents are subsidizing his rent. All the experts advise setting a deadline for ending financial support?  Is two years too long? No easy answers; just questions to ponder. 

The piece got wide coverage including Gawker which declared “Being Young and Unemployed Sure Is Trendy”  and lambasted the “Millennial Job Whine.” In Fortune, editor Patricia Sellers concluded “Who Cares About a Career? Not Gen Y” and wrote: 

While we Baby Boomers typically place high value on pay, benefits, stability and prestige, Gen Y cares most about fun, innovation, social responsibility, and time off. 

Which goes back to the question: What is Gen Y’s version of the American Dream?  Might make an interesting conversation with your adult children. 

The Long Road To Adulthood Is Getting Longer 

The hot topic of “emerging adults” was discussed on the airwaves  on Neal Cowan’s NPR program last week.  He interviewed several experts including Prof. Frank Furstenberg,  chair of the MacArthur Foundation’s Research Network on Transitions to Adulthood.

Prof. Furstenberg made several interesting points, the first on why it takes longer for young adults to make the transition to independent lives. 

Conan: And the milestones that measure adulthood – well, they’re not as ubiquitous as they once were. 

Mr. Furstenberg:  Well, they’re less orderly than they once were. Marriage used to be the mainspring of the transition to adulthood. It accompanied leaving home and for men, was followed shortly after entering the workforce. But no longer. Now, marriage lags the work transitions and the school transitions and leaving home by – often by a matter of some years. 

Conan: And parenthood can lag even that. 

Mr. Furstenberg: Yes, it can. Parenthood increasingly is occurring in the late 20s and early 30s, whereas in the baby boom era, it often typically started in the late teens and early 20s 

That “emerging adulthood” period comes without a price for parents: 

Conan: It’s interesting. One of the conclusions is that children have to rely more on financial support from their parents. Adults between 18 and 34 received an average of $38,000 in cash and two years’ worth of full-time labor from their parents, or about 10 percent of their income, according to studies by the MacArthur Network. 

Where Do You Go After the Nest Empties? 

Trend forecasters looked into their crystal balls  and predicted that suburbanites would sell their homes and head to the cities for retirement.  Not  so, says the Wall Street Journal in  “The Myth of the Back-to-the-City Migration.” Baby Boomers are not selling their houses and heading downtown: 

 But roughly three quarters of retirees in the first bloc of retiring baby boomers are sticking pretty close to the suburbs, where the vast majority now reside. Those that do migrate, notes University of Arizona Urban Planning Professor Sandi Rosenbloom, tend to head further out into the suburban periphery. “Everybody in this business wants to talk about the odd person who moves downtown, but it’s basically a ‘man bites dog story,’” she says. “Most retire in place.” 

 And what about our adult children? Certainly they are more city mouse than country mouse. For a time, but not forever,  according to the article: 

Urban areas do exercise great allure to well-educated younger people, particularly in their 20s and early 30s. But what about when they marry and have families, as four in five intend? A recent survey of millennials by Frank Magid and Associates, a major survey research firm, found that although roughly 18% consider the city “an ideal place to live,” some 43% envision the suburbs as their preferred long-term destination. 

.