First- toddlers don’t need much entertaining. They are toddlers.

The sky is super exciting to them.

Lights are fascinating.

Their knee — groundbreaking.

But if you need a nap or a moment to yourself, here are a few ideas for entertaining that excited, noisy, and busy child by your side.

Personally, I think that less is more. I strive for minimalism in everything, under the belief that it makes everyone happier, even children. So when it comes to kid entertainment, strive for less. Let them become their own person and find their own imagination. Let them explore an environment that is safe, but not completely contrived or overstimulating.

Here are 10 Ways to Entertain your Toddler

1) Simple Wooden Blocks

Blocks equal hours of endless entertainment that makes them smarter and cleans up easy.

Bam.

Blocks are the best. My sweet youngest has one box of blocks that is a few rummaged sets of that game “Jenga.” She loves it and has hours of fun with it. Honestly, it is the favorite toy for her. The things she builds are beautiful to behold and range from houses to living rooms, stairs, farms, and whatever she is imagining that day. I love it!

2) A Cardboard Box

Easy, cheap, and you can put it in the recycle bin when you are done. Kids love boxes. They can imagine a million things from cars to houses to sleds with a simple box. They are especially fun with siblings to join in. But even a box and some crayons to make their own artwork inside, is a blast for a toddler.

3) Baby Doll

Toddlers love the baby, even when they are practically a baby themselves. A simple, soft, baby doll with minimal features is a wonderful friend. Plus, it lasts for years. Anything that encourages nurturing is a beautiful thing for a child. Add that baby doll with the cardboard box, and you have an afternoon of fun. Plus, I love watching my babies nurse their babies!

The hills are alive* / Foter / CC BY

4) A Teddy

One soft, cuddly bear or other fuzzy toy is wonderful and allows imaginative play without overstimulation. A teddy can be comforting during a breakdown and can be a member of a cast of characters in imaginary play. I know cuddly teddies tend to accumulate with children, but I find the fewer they have, the easier it is to choose a favorite and commit, thus having one toy that is “special” instead of 20 toys that are meaningless.

5) A Sheet

My kids regularly play with just a blanket and a pillow and their dolls, making little beds on the ground and chatting about little kid things. As they get older a sheet can make forts, their own special little cave, and a secret place for them to hide and have their alone time.

Yes, sometimes they want alone time too!

In a Waldorf school kindergarten environment, sheets or silks are combined with folding wooden play frames for hours of fun. Simple sheets are a toy that will be used for years. All four of my children from the 10-year-old down to the 4-year-old find joy in this.

6) Kitchen Stuff

I don’t lock cabinets and haven’t for years. I have only safe things low-down and one cupboard that has the plastic or metal bowls and that the kids can eat from. They are capable with feeding themselves as well as playing and banging in the kitchen if they need to. They don’t actually need their own kitchen, they can share yours with you!

Sometimes toys aren’t even needed. My youngest enjoys opening up kitchen cabinet doors and making herself a tiny little cave inside them. She is thrilled and the cleanup involves no more than shutting the door.

7) A Park

I spent so much time with my first toddler at parks. We probably went to one twice a day and were blessed to live in a community with lots of beautiful parks nearby. Of the many things I have done wrong, I have no regrets about the time we spent outdoors at parks. In fact, even though my kids are getting older, I still love taking them to the park. It gives me a chance to write, work, read, or just be still, and they can be active and scream and have fun- all while my house stays clean.

WIN-WIN.

8) Food

Guess what- toddlers are smarter than adults and they know that they need food in order to not freak out and be grumpy. Kids know this!

Feed that little guy. In a high chair. Or anything else that is contained. And then sit and enjoy a moment to yourself sipping some hot peppermint tea or doing dishes.

It’s the little things when you are a mom. And yes, silently washing dishes counts as time to yourself and can be oddly soothing.

soffi • / Foter / CC BY-SA

soffi • / Foter / CC BY-SA

9) A Nap

Just yesterday I saw a three year old freak out, lay down, cry, and otherwise act as though the world was over. Why? Because it was 3 o’clock.

And he was three.

The sad thing about being three is that you need a nap.

And you hate naps. Because you are three.

But don’t forget the value of rest in “entertaining” a toddler so that you can have some time alone. Or- take a nap yourself while cuddling up with a little self generating heater.

I won’t tell you the story about when I “thought” my toddler was taking a nap and I napped too…

When I woke up there was no napping by the toddler but things had been done with poop that still make me shudder.

And no, we didn’t get our deposit back on that apartment and yes, it was because of the carpet.

Ten years later and I still gag on that memory…

10) Grandma

It doesn’t have to be grandma. It can be grandpa, aunt, uncle, or a good friend who you trade kids with once a week. In fact, preschool might be a good fit for you if you really need some time to yourself on a regular basis or a shopping trip that runs smoothly and quickly.

Everybody needs a village, all moms need community, and sometimes a toddler and mom will benefit best from a little bit of time apart and a fresh person who really appreciates all their little quirks. Then, when you get back together an hour or two later, you can see each other with fresh eyes.

Photo credit: / Foter / CC BY

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The post 10 Super Simple Ways To Keep Your Toddler Entertained appeared first on Mothering.

Sometimes, one meets people at the right time for the right reasons. On a recent vacation in Arizona, I went on a solo hike in the mountains. I usually keep to myself when I hike alone, but for some reason, as I rounded a corner and he did too, we started to talk.

We talked about hikes, and camping and canoeing in the North East, where we are both from. “He” turned out to be David Ilse, and I marvelled at meeting someone who’s last name was the first name of my grandmother, and my middle name.

As he turned to leave, after we exchanged numbers because he kindly offered to lend me some camping gear, I uncharacteristically asked a personal question- what sort of work did his wife do? He answered something along the lines of she was an author, and travelled the world talking about, and training other professionals, to help parents cope with and heal from pregnancy loss.

This stopped me in my tracks. I quietly said that I had had several miscarriages. I don’t really remember what was said after that, but we each went on our way. I hiked and sweated up the trail until I got to the river that was the end of the trail. I followed the river upstream, past the usual path, and rounded a corner to a scene out of an enchanted land: smoothed-out rocks forming a sort of channel, through which water flowed, and fell to form a small waterfall, which ended in a beautiful pool of clear water. No one was around, so of course I took full advantage of it and bathed in the desert pool. I was in some sort of magical place, physically and spiritually. For years, I had not even thought of the miscarriages I had. Now, in the desert, under the waterfall, I re-lived some of those experiences, and felt cleansed as the water fell over me. I lay on the sandy edge of the pool with the sun shining down on me, and I cried and I grieved for those babies I had lost.

Twenty-one years ago, I had birthed one healthy baby girl. Over the next several years, I had had four miscarriages. Doctors didn’t have any explanation to me, nor had I been offered any mental health support. Those miscarriages were somehow seen as insignificant to my supposed caregivers. The full impact of those losses was somewhat blurred as I then faced my husband’s diagnosis of cancer, which took precedence over anything else in our lives.

On that hot day in Arizona, so many years later, I finally said goodbye to my babies. At peace, I fell into a calm sleep for a short while.

A few days later, I had the privilege of going to the Ilse’s home, and Sherokee and David welcomed me as an old friend. She told me of her personal journey, of having a miscarriage, a boy who was stillborn, and an ectopic pregnancy. She talked to me about her need to share her experiences with others, so she wrote Empty Arms in 1982. This book has been revised and reprinted numerous times, and has sold over 350,000 copies. Sherokee has since written many other books, and she travels the globe, consulting and training others, including Baby Loss Family Advisors and Baby Loss Doulas.

I talked with Sherokee, and asked her to tell me how mothers (and fathers) can cope with the loss of their baby, and how healing can eventually happen…

————————————————

Me: What was the purpose of writing Empty Arms and how is it used today?

Sherokee: After our son Brennan William died and then was birthed in a hospital the day after his due date, we made decisions with no guidance or knowledge of how to meet him, love him up, and work towards our goodbyes. Within about 5-10 minutes we gave him to the nurse and we never saw him again.  We did almost everything wrong. No footprints, lock of hair, pictures, bath time, cuddling, or sharing him with our family. No one in our family ever saw him and without pictures there really was no way to show he existed. We had nothing except a short little hello.

The regrets are haunting and never really go away.  It was such an incomplete experience, one that did not help our hearts heal. And then I realized we had done the same thing with our first miscarried baby.  Emptiness and anguish went deep and few people understood the depth of love and heartache we felt. I named that early miscarried baby Marama, a name I had saved up for our first girl. David did not think of this baby as a girl and did not feel comfortable about naming him/her. So we agreed to disagree, allowing me to do what I needed to do. Then after our two living children were born, we had an ectopic pregnancy and I named her Byrna.

The only thing I felt I could do was bring some light to others by helping them from making the same mistakes. Otherwise, what was the purpose of their short little lives.  They could not make the world a better place and create their own legacy. Only David and I could do that.

Within a month after Brennan’s death, I wrote the first draft of Empty Arms as a self-help guide to empower, teach and touch parents soon after learning their little one has died or will die. I dreamed that this small book, written in a very simple, loving manner, would be given to each parent soon after hearing the devastating news. If they read even just the ‘Decision-making’ section right away, they could be supported to make decisions that would lead to maximizing memories and minimizing regrets. This seemed to me to be the path toward healing. I continually update the book and publish/distribute it myself through my company Wintergreen Press. And I created a support organization called BabiesRemembered.org which offers specific help, guidance, resources and literature to bereaved families and their care providers.

Me: It seems that miscarriage and other baby losses is still an underground experience, barely talked about our society. Little support is given to families after a miscarriage.  How can we better understand this and what can be done?

Sherokee:  Yes it is true. Sadly. While it is not easy to understand why, I have some thoughts about it and a challenge to everyone reading this.

When do prospective parents begin to bond and love their baby-to-be? At the time of a positive pregnancy test, during an ultrasound, when the baby is born? Yes, these are key times in the journey to parenthood. However, what do young children play (especially little girls) ?  Mommy, daddy, and baby. They play ‘house.’ This is the beginning of that journey.  Might it be there are many years and milestones that lead up to having a baby. Could it be that it all started in childhood?  Love is already there for many who equate, “I’m pregnant!” with “We’re going to have a baby.”

So when those parents have a miscarriage, it is clearly the “loss of a lifetime of dreams, hopes, aspirations. A slice of their future simply vanishes overnight.” (from the poem Miscarriage, by Susan Erling Martinez). They deserve support, comfort, compassion, and opportunities to make memories, share their feelings, and be allowed to grieve.

This is not like merely having a medical procedure for most parents. It is not the loss of a set of keys or even a beloved puppy. It is worse, far more significant and sadly, too often entirely misunderstood by the medical professionals caring for them and their family and community…which makes it worse and more painful.  When people deny these parents the right to mourn the little lives that were to change their future so dramatically, confusion and anger abound. Parents may wonder, “Why do I feel so badly when everyone acts like it is no big deal? Is there something wrong with me?” or “ Don’t they care enough about me to realize that I am devastated and so very sad and empty?” The mixed messages and sense of loss definitely add to the hardship and anguish after a miscarriage for many, though not all.

With the normal reaction of shame and guilt, come feelings that our body failed this little child one. We can wonder what we did, or did not do, to cause such a tragedy. And the pressure is great from others that we should ‘just try again.’ As if this little, unique life can be easily replaced. Whether this was a first try or an expensive infertility treatment that resulted in the loss of their baby, no other child can replace the one who died.

What is hard about a miscarriage where there is no body to see (because the D & C or D & E procedures result in blood and tissue), is that little affirmation comes that this was a baby.  Pictures are rarely taken (though they can be…sometimes there are limbs to see or some of the baby is intact) and memories, especially good ones of meeting and holding the baby, are missing.  here needs to be validation that this was a real baby who was alive. Though their son or daughter died too early, parents still hold the dreams and the love in their hearts.

A mission for changing the paradigm of how we handle families who have a miscarriage has been on my heart for decades. Every time I teach professionals about how to enhance their care of families, I include miscarriage. I ask for more understanding, awareness, and genuine compassion for families experiencing miscarriage. And each time I speak to families experiencing loss I include all babies, even ectopic pregnancies and a blighted ovum. Medical definitions should not define whether love is present or not, whether this is or isn’t a baby to families. Rather, we each get to give our own meaning and have our own feelings that follow loss.

My challenge to our readers: The conspiracy of silence and the conspiracy of the minimization of miscarriage needs to end. Loved babies don’t come in certain sizes. Nor are they defined as special enough to be grieved by the length they were known to parents.  These are sons and daughters whose lives were cut short. They will be missed. Forever.

It is past time to:

• raise our level of consciousness and awareness about what really happens to parents emotionally and spiritually
• affirm parenthood and the love parents hold for this baby in their hearts (no matter how small the body or short the pregnancy)
• recognize and be gentle when parents express that this is the loss of a baby
• learn about the dreams and plans they had for this baby and their lives going forward
• honor these little names and memories, which can help parents in their grief journey
• offer to sit with them and listen
• make or buy baby and/or mommy and daddy gifts, despite the loss and because of the love
• remember them on due dates, birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries
• move beyond our own uncomfortableness and grow in courage and compassion as we reach out, even though it is not easy
• believe that every life matters and speak lovingly of this child going forward

If in doubt about whether there is grief and sadness about this loss, ask. Ask them if this was a baby to them (for some it takes a while for them to view the pregnancy as a baby and a small percentage may never feel that way)? If they answer that it was a baby, then the appropriate support should be given.  Here are a few ideas on what could be said to newly bereaved families, especially those experiencing a miscarriage.

“I am sad to hear about the loss of your baby.  I am here for you to listen and to support you.”

“While others may give you advice to get over this quickly and move on, I will not. This baby was a treasure to you. Therefore this loss is to be given great respect.”

“I don’t quite know how to help you, but you can count on me if you need anything.”

“Please know we are sad about what has happened. Did you name your baby? If so, may we call him/her by that name?”

“You have every right to feel the way you now feel. You don’t need to rationalize your reactions and grief to anyone. Your baby is worth crying for. Of course you will miss your little one! You are her/his parent and will be forever.”

I think you can get the idea.  Affirm, show love, speak of the child now and in the future, and do not join those who see this as a small event for the parent(s). Again, I suggest, if they define this as their baby, you can count on it being hard and it will take doing good grief work over time.

Please know that it is never too late to show concern, offer care, and a listening ear. Even if someone’s miscarriage may be years and years ago. As you know, Katja, memories remain, work may need to be done, and healing can happen at any time and in any special place. Thankfully, some of your healing happened in one of our special places – near a flowing waterfall and pool on a desert hike in the Catalina Mountains.  We are blessed to have met you and now honored to be a part of your babies’ stories.

Me: Why are bereaved parents working so hard to raise awareness about infant death?

Sherokee: If a son or daughter dies, no matter their age or the size of their body there are many facts to consider. In most cases, that child was wanted. There were hopes and dreams along with specific plans for decorating the child’s room, holidays, daycare, preschool, interactions with siblings and other relatives, updating one’s home or moving, saving money for special toys, weddings, college, and so much more.

When that child dies, what is the appropriate response by the parents, the family, and their community?  To recognize the love and the significance of the loss. To offer support and remember that child into the future, saying his or her name out loud. To realize that a beloved person who dies cannot be replaced by another and forgotten. To offer parents time off from work, support over the short and long run, and to promote natural grief work as a means of remembering and healing. This child is a treasure who will be held within the parents and siblings’ hearts for the rest of their lives.  hey did not disappear as if they were never there. Their presence is felt and honored. At least this is how it should be if people thought about how ‘they’ would react.

However, what happens when that child is small as in a miscarriage or early stillbirth, was not seen by others, is born still late in pregnancy or dies in the NICU before even going home? Some staff, many doctors, quite a few family members, supervisors at work, and even some churches make light of the situation – treating this loss as the loss of a trinket. This is painful for parents and confusing. How do you do healthy grieving and integration of this child into the family when the pressure is so great to forget, have another, move on?

An awareness movement is necessary to change people’s beliefs and teach them to be more supportive and openly compassionate.  They need to be informed about how difficult it is to live after a baby dies – literally! Many mothers talk of dying, some become destructive to themselves or their family, and yes, some do take their lives. Why not build a caring, compassionate, kind community of support rather than isolating these mothers and fathers from the help and love they deserve?

And almost more importantly, awareness is needed to create a nation-wide/world-wide outcry for research on these deaths and reduce the number of babies who die, which will reduce the heartache that tens of thousands of families face in the US each year and millions around the world. For example, people seem to be shocked when they learn that ten times more babies die from stillbirth alone than from SIDS each year–about 72 babies are born dead (stillborn) each day in the US. Yet, there is little research on causes and in fact it looks like a major birth initiative to reduce days in the NICU may inadvertently be increasing the number of babies who die around or after the due date.

I care deeply about such awareness, knowing it is vital for families of all socio-economic levels, cultures, and religions. Love and grief over the death of a child is universal, even if some customs differ.

I continue to dedicate much of my life (for almost 35 years) to support and advocate for parents, to teach and empower caregivers to reach high standards of compassionate and informed care, and to promote community conversation to reduce the number of deaths. We need a publicity awareness campaign; others and I have been looking for a few years for agency with a heart to offer pro bono services for such an important effort.  There is still so much to do.

Me: I have read and heard that there is a movement in the USA to invite families to care for their own dead – including babies who are stillborn or die shortly after birth.  Why is this happening?

Sherokee: To better understand this, we need to look back in time and look at other countries and cultures around the world and in the US. In most cultures, and in the early days of our country, families naturally (and personally) handled their beloved family members who died – literally.  They bathed the body, cared for them, clothed or wrapped them, and lovingly buried or cremated them. In the case of children, babies in this example, having them in their home, in their cribs, in the presence of their other children is just a natural thing to do. In fact, I was just in New Zealand speaking at a Sands conference on baby loss where I met many, many parents who shared how sacred and special it was to have their babies in their homes after death – a standard custom there.  Their eyes glowed with pride and love and they seemed content and at peace that they had this private time together.

For about the last half century in the USA, we unlearned that, so now it needs to be retaught to our bereaved families. They birth in hospitals and funeral homes are called to ‘handle’ their babies. Therefore, when (and if) it is offered to do self-transport or have the baby at home for a short while, they are sometimes aghast at the thought. If they only knew the healing that is taking place for many families who use this private time in the safety of their own home to introduce their children to their sibling in an intentional way. Some families take pictures of their family all together in the yard (sunshine and outdoors is appreciated by many parents) or in their own living room.  Other parents spend hours dressing and undressing their baby, rocking her/him, telling stories and family memories, and even reading a few of the special books they had planned on sharing with a live child.

With all states but 9 allowing families to care for their own dead, this practice is now growing and should be offered as a legitimate option for each family in those 41 states. Staff and/or advocates should then be ready to help facilitate this process, which is something I consult and teach about. Knowing the law and paperwork requirements; having resources at one’s fingertips, using a list/brochure of how to do this in a step-by-step manner are a few ways to assist families at this time. In fact, I have created a short brochure that can be used by hospitals.

Parents deserve to learn of all their (legal) options after their babies die. This is one that may be hard for staff to imagine, but is something they need grow more comfortable and knowledgeable about.

Me: What is the thing you believe parents need the most after their baby dies, including miscarriage?

Sherokee:  Affirmation that they have the right to feel the way they feel.  Recognition that this is the loss of a beloved family member, not just a sad or unfortunate event to be swept under the carpet. They need their family to honor their loss/their baby, to listen without trying to fix their pain, and to help them find resources – books, websites, FB pages, local support groups, spiritual support and more. If they can treat this as a big deal and realize it is lifelong for these parents, they will be able to be supportive over the short and long term. Reading about what parents go through and reading some of the literature about how family can help will be most informative, giving them confidence and tools to know better what to say and do.  I have materials that can be helpful and there are many other resources to. In fact, in the back of my Empty Arms book there are 10 pages of helpful literature and resources.

Some of the resources I have created to help others can be found here.

Me: Please tell me about “Loss Advisors and Loss Doulas” – who they are, and what their role is.

Sherokee:  Yes. This is the newest paradigm shift I am passionately promoting; it has the potential to give some control back to parents who are overwhelmed with shock and disbelief, in the early hours and to help minimize the fear they have, both of which color the decisions they make. With an advocate offering to help them navigate the waters, they can really make the time with their baby very special. In combination with well-prepared staff who have compassionate hearts, these highly trained Baby Loss Advisors™ or Loss Doulas® offer a vital service that is beginning to be sought after by communities all over.

As background: Given that parents who learn their baby has died or will die do not receive preparation for what will happen, what their choices/decisions are, an exploration of the pros, cons, and consequences (including life-long regrets), they often learn the hard way what they should have done after the experience is over. The regrets from making quick decisions in the middle of a crisis with limited ability to take in advice from medical professionals, can be immense and are frequently spoken of by grieving parents.

Therefore, one of the things most mothers and fathers seem to need right away after hearing bad news is a connection to someone who ‘gets’ what they are going through. Someone who has personal or professional experience in offering guidance, comfort, compassion, and even advice about what is to come, what their options are, and an understanding about how the time spent in the beginning impacts their future – including whether their grieving will be healthy or not.

These vulnerable parents should be given the chance to have this person call them (not the other way around, because it is almost impossible to call a stranger or a friend when in the middle of such a crisis). They should learn from their news giver at the clinic or hospital why having such an advocate can help and support them during this dark time.

We have created a certification program for Independent Baby Loss Family Advisors (also Baby Loss Doulas which is a certification for Birth Doulas) for these very reasons.  These amazing women (all women so far, but we welcome men) offer a continuity of care that none of the professional care givers in a clinic or hospital can offer.  They also act as a team member supporting the work of staff who help families birth and meet their beloved sons and daughters.  Here are a few successful examples of how this service helped newly bereaved parents.

N. helped a family get pictures of their twins alive before the sister died in the NICU.  She also ran out and bought more clay for handprints since they were totally out.  In addition, she spent 2 hours in the cafeteria with the grandparents listening, answering questions, giving compassion, and sharing resources like written materials on Grieving Grandparents.

D.  helped a miscarrying mom in specific ways including how to catch her baby in the toilet so she didn’t have to deal with a decision to flush the baby down.  She offered her ideas on taking beautiful pictures with a new technique called saline immersion, which thanks to Donna, we teach all of our Loss Advisor/Loss Doula students about.

S. helped a family (twice) deal with issues that became roadblocks when they were about to have a D & C after their baby had died early. Instead of giving up on their deep desire to take the remains of their baby home without it going to the lab to become lab specimens for under the microscope, S. helped them find a facility who honored their belief (personal and religious) that this was their child and they deserved to give permission (or not) to cut the little one up per the hospital’s ‘policies.’

S. helped TM (a mom who was reeling from the news that her son would be born a ‘monster’ according to the picture the doctor painted.) Rather than terminate the pregnancy TM carried her son almost to term, birthed him, named him, held him, parented him, and had a very special experience because of the birth plan that was written through guidance provided by her Baby Loss Advisor. The entire relationship was online (not even one phone conversation) and yet TM speaks of her Baby Loss Advisor as a friend and special advocate who helped change the long scary pregnancy into a very special one where she has little to no regrets.

We are so proud of all the work they do in reaching out to families as soon as they are contacted offering personalized guidance, support, and lots of love to help them navigate the turmoil following the horrific news of their baby’s death. Yes, even in miscarriage.

Me: Is there any way a mother whose baby has died can help other mothers?

Sherokee: There are many, many ways. One might be through milk donation when that is possible. I encourage hospitals and our Baby Loss Advisors to offer this suggestion. Many parents want to donate their babies’ organs, but rarely is this possible.

When ready, they are countless ideas such as:

Sending notes of comfort and resource sharing to parents who place a baby obituary in the paper,

Donating to the hospital for their baby loss fund — it can help them buy books, other literature, memory boxes, mementos such as picture frames, cameras, and flash drives to give the pictures to each family when they leave the hospital. This money can help train staff, create bereavement rooms, and buy other program supplies.

Connect with people like myself to learn of specific ways to offer one’s talents and energy   through BabiesRemembered.org and BabyLossFamilyAdvisors.org.

Participate in studies to help learn more about bereavement support and cause/prevention research.

Seek out good organizations and FB groups like SOBBS, First Candle, Star Legacy Foundation, sand SHARE.

Learn more about or become certified to be a Baby Loss Family Advisor or Baby Loss Doula – there is a very specific way to share one’s experience and learnings to help others when it most counts – in those early minutes, days, and weeks.

Please note that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month throughout the world. The organization I founded started this movement in collaboration with other organizations such as SHARE and RTS and many smaller groups and lots of individuals from throughout the US back in 1986.

During this important month, individuals, groups and organizations hold events to help bring miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death, and SIDS/SUID to the community at large in hopes that compassion could be shown, learning about the issues for families could be shared, and prevention could become a priority instead of just accepting that ‘some babies just die.’

For more information on events throughout the world there are some websites that attempt to keep track: october15th.org and october15.ca.

Image: Nathan Csonka

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The post Healing from Pregnancy Loss: Wisdom from ‘Empty Arms’ Author Sherokee Ilse appeared first on Mothering.

The Minnesota Vikings recently released the news that they will be adding lactation suites to their stadium, welcoming breastfeeding mothers to feed their children in a comfortable location.

The lactation stations, created by Mamava, are 4-by-8 feet portable pods, and include a seat, electrical outlets, and a locking door. According the an article by ESPN, the Vikings will also consider a family-friendly nursing area that would allow breastfeeding parents to continue viewing the game if they prefer.

As a veteran breastfeeder, I prefer to nurse wherever my child is hungry. When I had my first baby 7 years ago, I tried hiding while breastfeeding at first, but the more I nursed, the more comfortable I became with it. Since the beginning of my journey as a breastfeeding mother, I’ve learned a lot about the importance of breastfeeding, including representation. The more the sight of a nursing mother is witnessed in public, the more normal it becomes. Because breastfeeding is a public health issue, this affects everyone. I don’t cover or hide while breastfeeding, in part because it’s a hassle, and also because I want to be part of the movement that changes cultural bias against breastfeeding.

That said, there are numerous reasons why a mother might prefer to breastfeed in private (includingless distraction for baby, less anxiety about judgmental people, she simply wants to, etc), and it is empowering to see an organization such as a football stadium taking the initiative to support breastfeeding parents.

What do you think about these new lactation suites? Would you use one?

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If you are that calm, centered, Zen-like parent the rest of us strive to be, you probably don’t need to read this article. Please feel free to go back to whatever you were doing.

… Still here? Thought so.

Welcome to the 99.999% of parents who aren’t so very Zen-like most of the time. And who can blame us? While this raising kids thing can be seriously great, it can also be seriously challenging.

Parenting: It’s life with a cherry on top. Except, instead of an actual cherry, it’s a pile of half-broken toys on the floor with a side of projectile vomit.

And that can make us a little… edgy.

Okay, maybe a lot edgy. Frustration starts to build, slowly ascending to the surface like a dormant volcano.

Before long it erupts, and we’re not behaving in ways we’re terribly proud of. We snap at the people we love, we yell when we probably shouldn’t – and then we feel like the worst. parent. ever.

This is what overwhelmed looks like; it’s to be expected sometimes in a life chock full of responsibilities, but there’s no doubt it’s ugly.

And what should we do when life hands us some ugly? Take some downtime, of course.

We should get lost in a good book, or go for a run. We should get together with a friend or escape to a coffee shop, where someone else does the food prep.

But for some reason, many moms (and dads, too) feel we just can’t do that. Not without a heaping side of guilt, anyway. That somehow, in our desire to escape the chaos, we’re letting down the people we love.

They need us, you know.

True. But here’s the thing: they need the whole us. The entirety of us. Not just the tired, cranky version of us trying to keep a lid on things.

Sometimes we might think we’re failing at this parenting gig if we need to take breaks. But everyone needs breaks, whether they want to admit it or not. We are not failing for needing some space. We are honoring the reality that we cannot simply move from task to task, from responsibility to responsibility, without a little carefree time thrown into the mix.

As special and important as parenting is, it’s only one of the many things that define us. There is more to our lives than diapers and dicing carrots, more than mortgage payments and montages of a child’s first birthday.

What about health and humor? What about conversations and creativity? Woven together, all these aspects make us the well-rounded people our children can learn from and look up to. What are we teaching our kids if we neglect big pieces of ourselves that bring us joy?

There is no question we need to sacrifice a great deal of personal time when we take on the care and feeding of little ones. In fact, there are plenty of days when any kind of escapism seems impossible; there is simply too much to do and too many people to do it for. We go into robot mode, just trying to get from sunup to sundown without completely losing our minds.

But even robots need maintenance or they eventually break down.

What if we can’t go for a run or escape to the coffee shop today? Try some of these 10-minute self-care rituals instead. Even a short chunk of time can do wonders for the mind, body and soul.

Taking time for you can be the difference between rushing over in a huff to scrub the marker off the wall and standing back to admire your child’s contraband artwork first with a grin on your face.

Refreshed people see the world differently. We tend to be more positive and centered. We are kinder and gentler. We are better parents, partners, employees and friends. Putting ourselves first makes us whole again – and we like it. Everyone benefits when we’re at our best.

You never know; with a little bit of self-care, you might even be the calm, centered, Zen-like parent who doesn’t need to read this article.

Well, until the next bout of projectile vomiting, anyway.

Image credit: Jorge Royan, shared under the Creative Commons License.

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There is a prevalent idea out there that women can “have it all” and get everything they want. Family, marriage, children, awesome career (that is also spiritually fulfilling), money, success, fame…whatever you want, or don’t want, it is there for the taking if you only “believe” and work hard.

This may be possible for some women. But for me, I think the idea that I could and should “have it all” just led to unnecessary stress and self loathing.

I remember my own horror when I hit 25 and had not yet been published.

Good night! Would I ever matter?!

I married young, just after I turned 20. I finished school a year later and had my first baby at 25. I had yet to do anything “special” in this life according to my, or anybody’s standards.

I have to admit, I felt like something of a failure. I wanted all the things and I wanted them now. I wanted to feel special and be important.

Surely my career in food service and popping out kids wasn’t making the grade on that front.

It has been some time since those early days of wifehood and motherhood for me. I am 35 (yikes!) and I probably am still not special or accomplished.

But I am different because I finally care less about “having it all” or looking successful to others. Let me share with you what I have learned along the way, in the 10 years I spent birthing and breastfeeding (and writing about it).

You Are Doing Something

I know I didn’t feel that important as a 25-year-old babysitter to other people’s kids just so we could buy some groceries and scrape by on credit cards and student loans. Struggling to make it as a new family was hard and grinding. It didn’t get easier overnight and I by no means “had it all.”

I wasn’t doing anything impressive (I thought) and didn’t even write Christmas letters for years due to my own feelings of embarrassment.

Who wants to write a letter about being broke and feeling lonely?

But I learned a lot over those years of struggle about myself, my marriage, my children, and my abilities. I started writing. I found my voice. I learned that I was doing something important. Raising children, nurturing them, nursing them, etc, it actually started to matter to me.  I saw the value of what I was doing and the lasting impact it could have. I realized it mattered more to me than anything.

Surprising Things Happen Along the Way

As it turned out, having my children was the thing that helped me figure out who I really was, and what I really wanted to do. All that worry when they were little about “mattering” and “having it all” and it was the kids that helped me figure it all out.

Having and nursing those babies helped me find what I was really good at, and gave me opportunities. The uselessness and the emptiness that I sometimes felt during the years of sleepless nights opened my life up to so much more than I would have experienced otherwise. 

They Grow, And So Do You

The children are growing older. Not huge, but they are done with the nursing, they are heading to school, and less needy of my constant care. Now I travel some for my work training childbirth educators. I am loving my life right now. I don’t have it all – there are missing pieces and disappointments, but I have all that I need and it is a joy.

I wish I could look back and say that I took my own advice and appreciated the moments, found joy in the waiting, and loved learning lessons that were hard.

But I can’t. It sucked. It was hard. I hated it and I struggled.

But it worked out. Eventually.

You can have it all, maybe not all at the same time. That is a beautiful lesson in sacrifice and love. Enjoy it.

Sometimes, when you hold those kids in your arms, it feels like you DO have it all.

Photo credit: VinothChandar / Foter / CC BY

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This is not a small undertaking.

Many of us who practice Attachment Parenting and gentle discipline do so because we understand the importance of raising children in a non-violent atmosphere, to help create a non-violent world. We know we want to create a peaceful and harmonious relationship with our children, and raise them to be compassionate, helpful, kind, responsible adults.

But how? How do we even begin such a monumental undertaking? How do we break old patterning, better ourselves, so we can be better for our children? How do we do it every day?

There are a great many books, articles, blogs, even instructional videos emphasizing techniques for gentle discipline and peaceful parenting. These resources are invaluable for daily reminders, for creating a strong practice of gentle parenting, and for re-reading and clinging to on days where you’ve been thrust beyond your limit by one too many inexplicable messes or an extra loud round of competitive screeching.

There’s so much advice available, it can be overwhelming. But it doesn’t have to be.

It all begins with one simple first step:

The Golden Rule.

Treat others as you’d like to be treated.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. 

We’ve heard it before. This is common knowledge. This is oft-cited wisdom meant to remind us that we need to be the change we want to see; to encourage us not to be hypocritical in the behavior we expect from others if we cannot provide it ourselves.

But we break this rule consistently with our children.

We expect self-control from our children (often unreasonable for their age and brain development) and then we have grown-up tantrums.

We require patience from our kids, and then we impatiently tell them to hurry up.

We tell our children to be quiet, and then we raise our voice at them.

We demand that our kids listen to us, and then we tune them out.

We tell our children to use gentle touches, to learn to solve their problems without hitting, and then we’re expected by some to hit them to mold them into decent human beings.

Kids these days, after all, are so unruly (a common complaint that has been made for hundreds of years by every generation about the following one).

But what is it that kids are witnessing? What is shaping them? What are they seeing that is influencing their behavior? Are they regularly witnessing kindness, compassion, human decency — not only in the way we treat others, but the way we treat our spouses, our children, and ourselves?

The basis of the golden rule is avoiding the hypocrisy of demanding from others — our children, in this case — what we are unable to show them. This is especially poignant when we consider the fact that our kids do not have fully developed brains, but we do. Our children do not have our level of emotional intelligence or impulse control, because their brains are not yet fully developed.

Ruminating on this should evoke an enormous amount of compassion towards the “flaws” we tend to see in our kids.

Our job as parents is not solely to discipline our children. It’s certainly not to punish them, as punishment comes too late. Punishment is the aftermath of a missed learning opportunity.

Our job is to guide and teach. To model the emotional intelligence we want to see. To do unto our children as we would have them do unto us, unto the world.

Our job is to be the change we want to see.

Image credit: Jaci Kulish

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If there is one absolute when it comes to parenting, it is that everybody will have an opinion on how you’re doing it wrong.

For some lucky few, those opinions won’t be said out loud. But for the rest of us, everyone from well-meaning neighbours to our co-worker’s second cousins will try to tell us how to raise our kids.

Most people mean well, but it can be a little… frustrating.

As a mom of three, I have been handed a tall stack of free advice and opinions over the years. And while some of it has been a sanity saver, much of it was unsolicited and, frankly, rather unwelcome.

So how should one respond to unsolicited advice? It’s probably not the first thing that pops into my head (which, regrettably, is almost always a little defensive and snarky.) I find the best response – should I feel the need to give one at all – is assertive, confident and kind. This is the way I’m doing things, this is why I’m doing it this way, and I am not going to change my mind. Thank you. 

Looking for some examples to use in your own life? Below are my favourite go-to responses to some of the most common parenting advice thrown my way. How do you deal with unwanted advice?

“You should just let your baby cry it out if you’re that tired.”

What I almost say: Actually, what I’m really tired of is you telling me what I should do with my baby.

What I actually say: Thank you for your concern. I believe being tired is a natural part of early parenting. I also believe in raising a child with compassion, and I don’t find crying-it-out methods to be very compassionate. If you believe otherwise, that’s your prerogative. When I decided to have children, I took on the responsibilities involved, including some inevitable late nights and early mornings. Thankfully, I know this stage is short-lived. In the meantime, I’m going to respect my baby’s brain development, hunger cues and comfort needs.

“Your child wouldn’t behave like that in public if you disciplined better.”

What I almost say: Why thank you for that incredible insight, random parking lot stranger! Do you also have some ideas on how I can avoid getting unwanted advice from people I don’t know when I’m in the middle of dealing with stressful situations?

What I actually say: I’m sure you mean well, but this really isn’t helping. You don’t know my family, what kind of day we’ve had, or what kind of parenting we practice. You don’t know if my child is sick or if she has special needs. You don’t know how she normally behaves when we go out. All you’re seeing is a snapshot of our life, and it’s unfair and unwarranted to make comments about my parenting or my child’s behaviour based on a few moments with us. So thank you for trying to help, but what I really need is compassion and understanding, not a lecture.

“I think you’re too attached to that child. Breaking away a little bit would be good for both of you.”

What I almost say: What I would really like to do is break away from this conversation. That would definitely be good for me.

What I actually say: I think what you mean is, “You’re more attached to your child than I would like to be to mine.” That’s fair. We all have different ways of parenting, and this is the way I’m doing it. These early childhood years are fleeting, and I want to enjoy them as much as I can. Besides, I like the closeness we have, and believe it will pay off later in life. If I want to have trust and communication with him when he’s older, I need to start instilling those things when he’s younger. So you do it your way, and I’ll do it my way, ok?

“I don’t think anyone needs to breastfeed that long.”

What I almost say: And I don’t understand why what I do with my breasts is any of your business.

What I actually say: Did you know the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends breastfeeding for at least the first year and the World Health Organization recommends two plus years ? So do many other health organizations around the world. They would love to see breastfeeding continue well beyond that, whenever possible, because there are so many proven health benefits. It’s not a decision everyone can or wants to make, but I’m happy and proud to be doing this for my child and myself. What other people think of it is none of my concern.

Photo credit: “Angry girl” by Rolands Lakis – originally posted to Flickr as Bernadeta. Licensed under CC BY 2.0 via Commons

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Imagine there was a way to have a Non-Stress test without ever visiting a hospital. Now there is.

There really isn’t anything non stressful about a Non-Stress test (NST). While it’s a less-than-invasive way to check up on your baby’s vitals, it’s anxiety inducing and often involves going back and forth to appointments for multiple tests. This is hardly ideal for a high risk or overdue mom.

At a recent Apple event Dr. Cameron Powell, co-founder of the health and mobile technology company Airstrip, highlights how his company has already been involved in monitoring over 3.5 million babies by allowing connected physicians and others on a mom’s medical team to view fetal heart rate tracings remotely on their mobile devices. Up until now, it has been necessary for the expectant mom to be in the hospital and connected to the NST monitors.

Since Airstrip’s acquisition of Sense4Baby in 2014, it is now possible for a mom to perform her own Non-Stress test from the comfort of home.

Imagine this:

According to Dr. Powell you can be comfortably at home (well, as comfortable as a significantly pregnant woman can be) when your doctor sends a message to your Apple Watch asking you to perform the test.  You put on the Sense4Baby monitor and press a button to start it. While relaxing on the couch, you can turn on the audio of your baby’s heart beat and listen to that beautiful “woosh, woosh, woosh” sound. Once done, simply press “send” on the watch and the collected data is transferred wirelessly and securely to your physician.

Your doctor can then interpret the results and send a reassuring message back.  This completely eliminates the need to schedule an appointment, drive in, find parking, pay for parking, wait your turn, or even change out of your PJs!

At-home doppler devices are not new. The difference with the results AirStrip delivers is its ability to use data from both the Apple Watch, which monitors mom’s heart rate, and Sense4Baby, which monitors the baby’s. A doctor can then look at the two independent heart rates and have confidence that the fetal results are indeed that of the baby and not a poorly positioned monitor that picked up mom’s heart rate by mistake. This heart rate data, along with traces of uterine contractions, give your practitioner the information necessary to make quick and informed decisions about any intervention you or your baby might need.

Again, all without ever leaving the couch.

While Dr. Powell’s presentation focused on this new technology’s use for at-risk pregnancies right now, it isn’t difficult to look into the future and see how these devices can be used to improve the well being for a broad spectrum of mothers.

Giving a pregnant woman the tools to reliably check on her baby’s well being isn’t just liberating, it’s natural. Without having to schedule an appointment or require a doctor’s requisition, it eliminates the unnecessary medicalization of pregnancy. So often thought of as a medical condition, it’s important to remember that pregnancy is a healthy, natural state.

Image: Roberto Carlos Pecino Martinez

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Yesterday my daughter and I were talking about heaven.

“Who is in heaven that loves you?”

“God!”

“Yes, but who in your family?”

“Papa!”

“That’s right!” I sat there smiling watching her play with her toys thoroughly done being quizzed by me. I hesitated. She turns four this week. Is it time?

“Did you know there is another person in our family in heaven that loves you?”

“Uh-huh,” She was way done with this conversation. It didn’t seem time. I stood up to leave. “Who?” she was still concentrating on her toys but I obviously peaked her interest.

“You have a big brother or a big sister in heaven.”

“Oh. I’m a big sister.”

“Yes, but you are a little sister, too!”

“Oh,” she continued to play as if this wasn’t news to be all that excited about.

I watched her for a moment until I felt the tingling in my nose signaling I couldn’t keep it in, and hastened into the kitchen to let the silent tears spill. I talk about my father often to her. It’s always been important to me for her to know that a person who loves her unconditionally, and who would’ve considerably increased the enjoyment in her life, is missing from her day-to-day. Papa lives in heaven and she knows that as fact. It didn’t dawn on me until this moment, in the kitchen doubled-over and trying to catch my breath, that the existence of my oldest child is a concept she is not familiar with.

Unfortunately, it’s a concept most people in my life are not familiar with. I didn’t even tell my family I was pregnant until I was miscarrying. I don’t regret this. Looking back on the first weeks of grief, I’m glad this introvert was able to endure the tsunami of pain without an audience. Especially when people have conflicting feelings on what it is they think I lost. I’m glad for those private moments, but my baby didn’t come and go. She took up residence in my heart and I am struggling to find a place for her to exist outside of me as well.

When people ask how many children I have they don’t expect me to count the one I lost. Three hearts took their first beats inside my womb and I am the lucky mother to each. I don’t know where the physical remains of my first child are, but as long as I’m alive on this planet, he is here, too.  He is in the room every time I type in my passwords (his nickname). I feel him gathered at every family event. He is in my thoughts every day and in my prayers every night. As I wrestle with my guilt, my grief, my questions, and my anger, he is there.

Some days are better than others. Some days I stay focused on the tasks at hand, and thoughts of my dad and baby together in heaven are pleasant and comforting. Other days, it’s all I can do to keep from losing it while typing away on my laptop at Starbucks medicating my pain with hot chocolate. It’s a forever ebb-and-flow stomachache of the heart and the only remedy is the love I have for her. Pretending she doesn’t exist doesn’t feel very loving, and while it may make some confused or uncomfortable, I will tell you I have three children even if you only see two of them in frames on the walls, two sets of shoes at the door, and two place settings at the table.

October is approaching and since it is “Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month,” take some time to talk about your heaven-side babies, or talk to other grieving parents with babies we didn’t get to meet. Because even though we didn’t get to meet them they still live in us, and they need a space here on earth, too.

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