The Man Who Mastered The Machine

A giant robot is attacking Metropolis. Terrified people flee while police can barely slow it down. A weapon emerges from its mouth and charges with a piercing sound. The shriek intensifies and the weapon is about to fire. A silver streak flies forward and hits the robot with an ear-shattering blow. The weapon fires harmlessly into the sky. 

The people see a metallic figure swinging a warhammer at the robot. Some are worried it’s another threat, but everyone who spots the S-shield on its chest knows a hero has come. Precise attacks disable the robot’s joints. The weapon charges again, but doesn’t fire before the thunderous swing of the warhammer smashes the machine. The people of Metropolis cheer for the Man of Steel.

Steel is one of the DC Universe’s smartest heroes. He carried Superman’s famous S-shield when Big Blue couldn’t and proved himself worthy of wearing it. So who is he? How did he become a hero? Does he have any superpowers? Let’s find out.

Second Chance: Steel’s Backstory

Steel debuted in The Adventures of Superman #500 in 1993. He was created by Louise Simonson and Jon Bogdanove for Reign of the Supermen, where four heroes based on Superman’s nicknames tried to claim the title after his death. The Man of Steel drew from American folk hero John Henry.

Dr. John Henry Irons was a weapons engineer who created a portable laser. He had a change of heart after seeing his weapons used for massacres and faked his death. Irons became a construction worker in Metropolis. Superman saved his life after he fell off a building.

Irons tried to repay Superman when he was fighting Doomsday. Irons charged the monster with a sledgehammer, but a building collapsed on him before he could attack. Irons emerged from the rubble days later to discover that Superman had been murdered

Crime skyrocketed after Superman’s death. Irons discovered that a gang using his weapons in Metropolis had killed a child. Inspired by Superman, he forged a suit of power armor, outfitted himself with a warhammer, and swore to destroy his creations as The Man of Steel.

Reign of the Supermen: Steel’s History

The Man of Steel waged a one man war against the gang. People noticed the Superman symbol on his armor and speculated that he was possessed by Superman’s ghost. That thought wasn’t too ridiculous when a newly cloned Superboy, a Cyborg Superman, and the murderous Last Son of Krypton were also flying around. Steel earned respect for being the only one who admitted that he wasn’t Superman.

Superboy formed a loose partnership with Steel after helping him fight The Last Son. They learned that Cyborg Superman was a villain who was planning to destroy Earth and teamed up to stop him. Meanwhile the real Superman had resurrected and joined their battle.

Superman gave Steel his approval to wear the S-shield on his armor after they teamed up to defeat Cyborg Superman. Steel was soon invited into the Justice League, where his technical knowhow saved the day just as often as his armor. 

Stop! Hammer Time: Steel’s Powers and Personality

Steel built his superpowers. He wears a suit of power armor that gives him superhuman strength, durability, and flight. Steel’s “Kinetic Hammer” grows stronger the further it’s thrown, returns to his hand, generates EMPs, and analyzes enemies for weak points.

Power armor is good, but it’s the man inside the Steel to watch out for. Dr. Irons is the third smartest person on Earth after Lex Luthor and Batman. He’s able to easily create weapons, trained in martial arts, and can swing a sledgehammer like it’s nothing.

Steel is a wise, gentle man who avoids fights where he can. He hates seeing people hurt by the weapons he designed when he was younger. Steel often prefers supporting superhero teams, but never hesitates when it’s time to fight.

The Actors Who Play Steel

Michael Dorn – Superman: The Animated Series
Phil LaMaar – Justice League Unlimited
Zeno Robinson – Young Justice
Wole Parks – Superman and Lois
Byron Marc Newsome – My Adventures With Superman
Shaquille O’Neal – Steel

Didya Get All That?

A hero who will die with a hammer in his hand.

Image: Byron Marc Newsome and Jack Quaid in My Adventures with Superman. Courtesy Adult Swim.

Steel: Who is the Steel-Driving Hero?

Rating:

Crazy Love

Main Cast: Tom Greaves, Gemma Atkinson

Director: Seb Billings

The 2016 Alter short, My Bloody Valentine from writer/director Seb Billings, is an old story, one we’ve seen countless times—one we may have lived a time or two—of a boy and a girl out on a date at a pizza shop. Boy goes into the bathroom and returns having torn out his heart to present to the girl. The girl freaks and runs away, then has a fling with a married man she picks up in a bar.  Regretting yet another poor life choice, the girl goes to a discount surgeon to have the memory removed from her head.  She then returns to the pizza shop where the man, stunned, still sits, pondering his own life choices.  The two reconnect and run off together to be instantly hit with the realization that this is probably one more mistake about to happen.  Been there, done that.

But that doesn’t take away from the enjoyment of this 12-minute short.  In fact, other than The Smiling Man, it’s probably the Alter short I’ve seen the most, having also been included in the Alter anthology film ROSES ARE DEAD Vol. 1.

My Bloody Valentine stars Tom Greaves and Gemma Atkinson as “Him” and “Her”, and while not a line of dialogue is spoken, both are super expressive and able to convey a ton of information with just a look.

I also liked that this didn’t look like a short film.  Billings feels like a film director who’s been on the job for decades when, in reality, this is his only directing job to date, and only his third credit of any sort, the first two as production coordinator.  So he’s definitely got an eye and I hope he directs more in the future.  Then again, the story here feels so personal—and yet so universally recognizable—maybe he was just working something out for himself and using the film as therapy.  Who knows?  What I DO know, however, is that My Bloody Valentine is a really good short, with high production quality and excellent effects (the memory extraction scene is cringe-inducing), an excellent soundtrack, and talented actors.  I wouldn’t recommend it to just ANYONE and I’m glad I didn’t watch it while the love of my life and I weren’t together, but it’s “safe” now and I quite enjoy the pang of regret it instills every time I see it; it just makes me appreciate what I have now all the more.

Watch it on YouTube.

Not to be confused with the original My Bloody Valentine (1981) or My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009). We’ve got the trifecta now.

My Bloody Valentine (Short Film)

Promotional Superheroes: Each Sold Separately

Marketing isn’t an easy job. You need every trick in the book to make your product stand out from the pack. That becomes even harder with toys which have a lot of competition for parents’ paychecks. How do you get a wide audience to know about your toy and want to buy it? One trick is to build a TV show around it.

Promotional series are meant to get kids interested in merchandise that already exists. Something is made, then featured in a cartoon or comic to draw attention to it. Don’t mix this up with toyetic superheroes like the Power Rangers where toys were made after appearing on a TV show. So which promotional superheroes did best at conquering your wallets? Let’s find out.

Our criteria this time: The adaptation must be about the product being sold, not an ad appearing in something else like Superman teaming up with the Nesquik Bunny.

#5 Promotional Superheroes: Kingdom Hearts

Promotes: Disney, Final Fantasy
Voice Cast: Haley Joel Osment, David Gallagher, Hayden Panettiere, Tony Anselmo, Bill Farmer

The Merchandise: Kingdom Hearts has a unique spot on this list because the merch it sold wasn’t its own. It was made to promote Disney’s classic movies and Square-Enix’s Final Fantasy. The companies settled on an original story with a Final Fantasy-esque hero traveling through Disney worlds to save the multiverse.

Kingdom Hearts featured many Disney movies and led to profitable redesigns of Final Fantasy heroes. The series formed its own lore and marketable characters across a dozen games, comics, and other adaptations. 

The Series: A boy named Sora and his friends prepare to go on an adventure. The night before they leave, their island is destroyed by monsters called The Heartless. Sora discovers a magic sword called The Keyblade and is sent to another world.

Sora meets court mage Donald Duck and royal knight Goofy, who have been charged by a missing King Mickey to protect the Keyblade’s wielder. Sora searches for his friends while protecting several planets from Heartless invasions. His greatest power is easily befriending legendary heroes, including Hercules, Peter Pan, and Cloud Strife

Fun Fact: Kingdom Hearts almost had a TV show in the Aughts. Eight Crazy Nights’ Seth Kearsley made a promotional pilot with the game’s cast, but Disney rejected it because they didn’t want to interfere with the game director’s plans. Disney is rumored to be considering an adaptation for Disney+.

#4 Rom: The Space Knight

Promotes: Rom: The Space Knight

The Merchandise: Rom: The Space Knight was an action figure made by Parker Bros. in 1979. The company wanted to cash in on electronic toys, but made Rom as cheaply as possible. A terrible commercial didn’t help, suggesting that kids could imagine what his tech did instead of hyping him up. Rom’s toy was a flop.

Comics were his salvation. Marvel was commissioned to produce a Rom comic series that fleshed out the character, gave him a supporting cast, and created villains called The Dire Wraiths. Even stranger, the story and everything made for it is still canon in the Marvel Universe, directly tying into a few characters’ pasts.

The Series: Galador was a peaceful world until it was invaded by the Dire Wraiths, a magical-focused offshoot of the Skrulls. Galadorian warriors called the Space Knights transformed themselves into cyborgs to fight the Wraiths. Their greatest champion, Rom, hunted Wraiths on Earth. Unfortunately, he was mistaken for a rampaging robot vaporizing innocent people.

Rom fought many heroes and villains due to misunderstandings. He unintentionally caused X-Man Rogue to become a hero after she copied his innate nobility. A device used to counter the Wraiths later depowered Storm. Rom eventually exposed the Dire Wraiths and led an army of superheroes to banish them from Earth forever.

#3 Dungeons and Dragons

Promoting: Dungeons and Dragons

The Merchandise: Dungeons and Dragons is a pen and paper RPG series. All you need are the rulebooks and a few (dozen) dice. Additional rulesets and lore for various settings were released over time, including four full “editions” each intrinsically changing the game.

Beyond the rules, Dungeons and Dragons loves selling monster figurines. Dozens of novels have been released, following the adventures of Drow Ranger Drizzt Do’Urden, lich god Vecna, and other major characters. Many video games have also been released. The award-winning Baldur’s Gate 3 will soon be adapted as an HBO show.

The Series: This is tricky. There is no definitive Dungeons and Dragons story, so we’re gonna hit the lightning round with the three best known.

CBS’ Dungeons and Dragons followed several children from Earth who were inexplicably transported to The Realm. A mysterious mentor called Dungeon Master gave them powerful magical items and cryptic advice. They searched for a way home while being pursued by dark lord Venger.

Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves has a Bard who unwittingly helped the Big Bad steal a relic that could doom a city. He assembles a party of fellow misfit adventurers to steal it back, assuming they don’t kill each other first.

Critical Role is the most popular Dungeons and Dragons series. A group of famous voice actors have played through three gargantuan campaigns and currently are making a fourth. The first two have been adapted into Amazon shows: The Legend of Vox Machina and The Mighty Nein. Check out our reviews while you wait for Bells’ Hells and the fourth campaign to be adapted.

#2 Promotional Superheroes: Transformers

Promoting: The Transformers
Voice Cast: Peter Cullen, Dan Gilvezan, Christopher Collins, Frank Welker

The Merchandise: The Transformers were an adaptation of Japanese toys called Diaclone and Microchange. They were recolored and had their lore changed from being piloted machines to living robots. Hundreds of toys were released, including crossovers with other franchises. If you want giant robot versions of The DeLorean, Ecto-1, or a Death Star that turns into Darth Vader, you’ve come to the right place.

The Transformers followed Rom to Marvel for their own promotional comic. The final issue boasted about being the one-hundred and twentieth in a four-issue limited series. They’ve had a few dozen more runs at various comic studios. Some focus on the run-up to the war, others on its fallout. 

The Story: Cybertron was a world populated by robots called Cybertronians. A revolutionary called Megatron rose against the corrupt government, forming a militant faction called the Decepticons. They battled against the Autobots, defenders of Cybertron. Both factions forgot the war’s origins over millions of years, leaving the Autobots as heroes fighting an endless war against the evil Decepticons.

Dwindling resources caused both factions to leave Cybertron. They crashed on Earth and copied vehicles, which they mistook for the dominant lifeforms. The Autobots’ messianic leader, Optimus Prime, fell in love with Earth and swore to protect it from the Decepticons.

#1 Pokemon

Promoting: Pokemon

Voice Cast: Veronica Taylor, Rachel Lillis, Eric Stuart, James Carter Cathcart, Maddie Blaustein

The Merchandise: Pokemon is a series of video games about children travelling the world, capturing magical creatures, and having them battle each other. It spawned dozens of sequels, trading cards, models, toys, anything you can think of, and probably a few things you can’t.

Pokemon was the only option for the greatest promotional series. It’s the most profitable franchise of all time, having raised $115 billion. That’s almost double Mickey Mouse’s #2 earnings.

The Series: Ash Ketchum leaves home to become a Pokemon Master. He’s given a stubborn, lightning-shooting rat named Pikachu who is more of a danger to him than other Pokemon. Ash entered the Gym Leader Challenge for a shot at the championship.

Ash frequently caught new Pokemon and spent a lot of time with others, all helpfully named for kids by his Pokedex. Friends and rivals joined Ash on his journey, which helped a lot after villainous Team Rocket began hunting his unusually powerful Pikachu.

What Promotional series was your favorite? Do you still have any of your old merch? Sound off in the comments.

Image: Nicholas Galitzine stars in MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE. © 2026 Amazon MGM Studios Content Services LLC

Promotional Superheroes: The Top 5

Rating:

Butterflies?  SO not metal!

Main Cast: Ethan Embry, Pruitt Taylor Vince

Director: Sean Byrne

In looking for something short to watch one night, we landed on THE DEVIL’S CANDY on Shudder.  This is an entirely forgettable movie, and I can prove it.  I’ve seen it before.  And I didn’t remember a single detail about it.  It must have been years ago—it came out in 2015, so I maybe saw it in 2018-2019, I’d guess—and I vaguely recall Ethan Embry as the dad, but other than that, it was like I was seeing it for the first time.

So what was my second first impression?

It was alright.

I mean it’s not an original premise at all; family moves into a new house they bought cheap because of its past and those past events still haunt the house and start to influence the new family.  Ethan Embry plays Jesse, a painter and father who tries to be there for his family, but is honestly more interested in painting.  I can’t fault his character there, it’s a flaw in artists; we sometimes get distracted by the art and it draws our attention from the things that are more important.  In this case, there’s a whispering in Jesse’s ear which he thinks is his muse, but is probably something darker and way more sinister.

Meanwhile, that past I mentioned comes back to the family in the form of Ray, son of the house’s former—now dead—occupants.  Ray’s also got a voice in his head but it’s not filling him with terrible images to paint of his daughter on fire, it’s telling Ray to kill.  Ray tries to block out this voice by playing his guitar as loud as he can and this is one of the moments in the movie that stopped me.

The movie opens with Ray’s mother coming to tell him to stop playing so loud and Ray says he has to play loud because it drowns out the voices.  She says she’s going to have him sent back to the hospital and Ray says nah and pushes mom down the stairs.

Once Jesse and his family, mother Astrid (Shiri Appleby) and daughter Zooey (Kiara Glasco), move in, Ray comes back one night saying he needs to come home because they—the owners of the motel he’s been staying at—won’t let him play loud.  Jesse tells him he doesn’t live there anymore and needs to leave.  While daughter Zooey is frustrated with him, saying, “You always say to treat people like you want to be treated,” I say Zooey’s 12 and has no idea what she’s talking about and Jesse was totally right in that situation.

Meanwhile, the voice in Ray’s ear is also in Jesse’s and the things he’s been painting are not only a vast departure from his previous work, but they’re also finally getting him recognized by a local gallery owner.  And circling back to that distraction from the important things I mentioned earlier, the work and the voice in his ear get so intense they cause him to leave Zooey at school until the sun goes down.  Jesse isn’t so far gone, though, that he brushes it off.  He really does want to be a good dad and from earlier interactions it’s clear Jesse and Zooey are closer than Astrid and Zooey.

But it’s not just Jesse who wants to be close to Zooey; the voice in Ray’s ear has also taken notice.

THE DEVIL’S CANDY is a grimy movie.  Even fresh from the shower, Jesse looks dirty through the entire movie, so much so I made my wife promise if I ever look like that, she’ll tell me.  Ray, too, is a filthy man.  Played by character actor Pruitt Taylor Vince, every movement seems to take it out of him, and he constantly seems on the verge of a heart attack.  Set in Texas, that Texas sun beats down on the movie and coats everything in a layer of sweat.

And then there’s the soundtrack.  During the drive to their new home, Jesse and Zooey are rocking out to some death metal and Astrid asks if they can listen to something softer.  “Metallica?” Zooey suggests.  If you like your music loud, hard, and fast, you might just dig this movie.

But is THE DEVIL’S CANDY worth it?

Like I said, I know I’ve seen it before, but not one single detail stuck with me, except maybe the Ethan Embry as a painter detail.  I couldn’t have told you his name, his predicament, or what he paints.  I couldn’t have told you what the devil’s candy is (it’s children, and Ray has to feed them to Satan).  I couldn’t have told you where the movie was set, when it was set, or even why it was set.  It was such a non-entity for me in the, at least, six or seven years since I’ve seen it that I’ve had it on my Shudder list probably since 2023 and I never realized I’d seen it before.

But it is short—79 minutes—and the third act is pretty intense.  Writer/director Sean Byrne keeps the movie visually interesting even if the complexity of the plot falls short.  The acting is pretty good all around even if Appleby is the fifth most important character in a movie with three more important characters, and Embry’s wig will distract you every single time he’s on screen, which is a lot in this movie.  But in the end, it’s a harmless horror movie that tries its best and just wants to be entertaining.  Do I feel like we wasted a movie night?  No, it was engaging enough.  I just wish the plot had been a little more original, or that Embry had used his own hair.  Overall, though, I give it a halfhearted recommend.

Devil’s Candy, The

Rating:

Little bit of this, little bit of that…

Main Cast: Scott Ryan, Justin Rosniak

Creator: Scott Ryan

Australian actor Scott Ryan has been in exactly two things: The Magician, a 2005 film he wrote, directed, and starred in on a budget of $3,000, and Mr. Inbetween, the three-season TV series that resulted from that film. To say that he has been criminally underexposed to date is an understatement.

Mr. Inbetween is the story of Ray Shoesmith (Ryan), a hit man whose unsavory occupation does not stop him from living a relatively mundane life in his hometown of Sydney. He kills people, then goes home and makes pizza for his daughter or takes care of his brother, who suffers from Motor Neuron Disease. He spends a lot of time shooting the breeze with his friend Gary (Justin Rosniak) and sitting on his couch in a grubby undershirt.

Ray is a cipher. He’s tough and street-smart, violent and remorseless. He’s also an extremely loyal friend, loves his daughter, and goes about his days in a mostly unremarkable way. His temper gets him in trouble, but never professionally. He seems to exist to bust every single stereotype about the glamour of hired guns. He’s very good at what he does, but in his off-hours he’s just a middle class guy.

What makes Mr. Inbetween special is the combination of Scott Ryan’s brilliant portrayal of Ray and the show’s steadfast refusal to bend to convention. It does not hurry, it does not over-pack episodes with action, and it never, ever fully lets us into the mind of its main character. There is no info-dumping about Ray’s childhood, or marriage, or how he came to this line of work. We’re just hanging out with him, watching his life to see where it goes.

Ryan completely inhabits this character, and showrunner Nash Edgerton is not afraid to let the camera linger during uncomfortable moments. Over three seasons we learn to read Ray’s facial expressions and Edgerton takes full advantage of every one. The liberal use of sly, dry humor softens Ray’s sharp edges and elevates the entire production.

Mr. Inbetween is very violent, sometimes crude, and always unflinching. Ray is something of a cross between Dexter and Walter White, but that characterization does a disservice to both Ryan and the show as a whole. This is a most unexpected character, presented in a most unusual way. The sum of these disparate parts is fantastic, with one of the most satisfying series finale scenes I have seen in a long time.

I watched Mr. Inbetween on Hulu.

Mr. Inbetween – Seasons 1-3

Ben Reilly in “The Clone Saga!”

A man clutches at his head. He can feel his mind splintering. He tries to focus on his dearest memories. The kindly couple that adopted Peter, not him. The first time he tried to kill met his brother. The freedom he felt saving people as the one and only Spider-Man’s clone. It had been the greatest time of his life.

“My first life.”

Memories come unbidden. Pain as his body falls apart. Cruel laughter as he’s reborn again and again. Countless lies, endless manipulations. Why has he lost so much and kept only the worst parts?! His happiness, his life, his sanity dropping into a hellish chasm!

Ben Reilly’s eyes snap open. There’s only one way to get it all back. Spider-Man must die.

Ben Reilley is at the heart of one of Marvel’s most controversial stories. It spun a tangled web as he and Peter Parker vied for the title of Spider-Man. So who is Ben Reilley? Is he friend or foe? Who is the true Spider-Man? Let’s find out.

The Scarlet Spider: Ben Reilley’s Backstory

Ben Reiley debuted in The Amazing Spider-Man #149 in 1975. He was created by Gerry Conway and Ross Andru. 

Spider-Man was captured by The Jackal, a mad geneticist who had cloned Gwen Stacy. Spider-Man woke up and saw a second Spider-Man in the same room. Jackal claimed that a hostage would die if the cloned Spider-Man tried to defuse a bomb. The two Spider-Men fought until they could rescue the hostages. Jackal died when the bomb exploded.

Both Spider-Men survived the explosion and one left New York because he wasn’t sure who the original was. He named himself Ben Reilly after Uncle Ben and Aunt May’s maiden name. Ben wandered the country for years, but returned to New York after learning that May had suffered a stroke.

Ben and Peter were standoffish because of stress and lingering doubt. Was Peter the clone who had stolen Spider-Man’s life or was the clone now butting in? Ben decided to stay in New York and fight crime as the Scarlet Spider.

The Jackal: Ben Reilley’s History

The Scarlet Spider and Spider-Man formed a loose partnership, helping each other when necessary. Their bond was disrupted by The Jackal, who had cloned himself and played both Spiders against each other. Ben Reilly was the clone one week, then Peter the next.

Two years of identity crises ended when Green Goblin attacked a pregnant Mary Jane Watson. Scarlet Spider and Spider-Man fought the Goblin, who claimed to be behind all of Jackal’s schemes. Ben Reilly was mortally wounded and disintegrated, revealing that he had been the clone all along.

The Jackal cloned Ben Reilly to find a cure for his cloning process’ trademark degenerative condition. Twenty-five clones were murdered, cloned again, and given Ben’s memories while the Jackal experimented on him. A now-insane Ben escaped, killed Jackal, and stole his identity. Ben created clones of everyone Spider-Man had ever failed, all rigged to spread a deadly virus. The plan failed and Ben/Jackal went on the run.

Chasm: Ben Reilly’s Modern Stories

Ben Reilly traveled to San Francisco and became the Scarlet Spider again. He was repentant for his actions as The Jackal, but slowly spiraling as trauma from all of his deaths went unchecked. Even worse, another Spider-Man clone named Kaine was also acting as Scarlet Spider in the city.

Ben returned to New York when Peter was hospitalized where the Beyond Corporation convinced him to become a Spider-Man that they sponsored. He was happy to finally have a support network and life of his own. Ben discovered that he had died several more times. Beyond kept cloning him from incomplete samples that erased his memories.

Their betrayal broke Ben Reilly. He blamed Peter for all of his pain and became a villain called Chasm. Spider-Man defeated Chasm, unintentionally sending him to another dimension with experimental tech. He fell into Limbo and was driven mad. Chasm was freed by Madelyne Pryor, an evil clone of Phoenix who saw him as a kindred spirit. She forged Ben Reilly into a weapon while they planned revenge against their original selves.

Dark Web: Ben Reilly’s Powers and Personality

Ben Reilly has all of Peter Parker’s powers: super strength, agility, durability, wall-crawling, spider-sense, and inherent knowledge of how to make webbing. Scarlet Spider’s signature trick was impact webbing, web balls launched with concussive force to instantly trap enemies.

Chasm enhances those powers with Madelyne’s dark magic. His Spider-Sense now automatically counters attacks instead of warning him. He also gained the ability to create energy weapons and erase memories.

Ben Reilly was a jovial smart aleck like Peter in his early days. He grew more cynical after years of manipulations, mind games, and dozens of deaths. As Chasm, he lost control and lashed out at everything he saw, with a particular hatred for Spider-Man.

The Actors Who Play Him

Christopher Daniel Barnes – Spider-Man: The Animated Series
Scott Porter – Ultimate Spider-Man
Andy Samberg – Spider-Man: Across the Spiderverse
Nicholas Cage – Spider-Noir

Didya Get All That?

From great pain, there will come no responsibility

Ben Reilly: Who is the Scarlet Spider?

Rating:

¿Dónde está la biblioteca?

Main Cast: Zoe Jarman, Kylee Russell

Director: Dan Samijian

You know what the world needs more of?  Horror movies set in a high school with a sub as the main character and hero who uncovers a sinister plot taking place inside the school and they fight back against the evil and save the school, the students, and possibly the world.

Or not.  I was kidding; we don’t actually need more of those movies.  But that didn’t stop director Dan Samijian and co-writer Dave Cain from making a short anyway with 2017’s THE SUB.

Zoe Jarman plays Mae Zalinski, the titular sub who is having a very strange day in a very strange school where the students are NOT pleased that she can’t find and administer the test they were supposed to take that day.  All hail the curriculum.

But Mae tries to make the best of it, instead bringing out a pinata and giving the kids a crack at breaking it open.  When blindfolded Penny Petzinger (Kylee Russell) accidentally hits another student with her field hockey stick, the other students insist she be punished because violence of any kind is against the rules.  The students are very adamant about that.

After class, Mae goes to the teacher’s lounge where she overhears the other teachers talking cryptically about something they’re doing after school, something that involved duct tape.  All hail the curriculum.

I think we all see where this is going and I have to say if I hadn’t already been over this 15-minute short, I probably would have been at this point.

And it wasn’t even that the story was so trite and predictable.  For me, the biggest problem was if I come to a HORROR channel I would like to watch a HORROR movie.  If I was in the mood for a horror comedy, I’d have gone to a horror comedy channel.  And I know, I know, all the best horror uses comedy as a break from the tension, but you first have to build up some tension, and THE SUB jumped into the comedy feet first.  Yes, there was that very, very brief cold open with Heather Langenkamp as the regular Spanish teacher who is attacked in a closet, but we break from that REAL quick and from there on it’s bright colors and Zoe Jarman’s considerable comedic talents on display.  In a horror short.

There were so many gags and cheap jokes in THE SUB that, by the time we finally get to the actual HORROR of the story, I just didn’t care anymore.  Especially considering the plot itself was so overused.

Now, having said that, it wasn’t all bad; there were some good things.  It’s very well made.  Samijian only had two other director credits at this time, but he’d been in movies for years before in several different positions, so he definitely knows his way around a film set.  Jarman’s acting credits go back to 2005 and did I mention the Heather Langenkamp cameo?  THE SUB has definite talent behind it.  I just wish the story had been more original OR that there hadn’t been so much emphasis on the comedy.  Or that it had just been a straight comedy, because Jarman’s talents definitely lie in that direction.

So as a short film, THE SUB works.   As a HORROR short … can we just watch COOTIES again?

Watch it here:

Sub, The

Rating:

For the most part, you are dull and blundering

Main Cast: Sally Field, Lewis Pullman

Director: Olivia Newman

Like nearly everyone I know, I read Remarkably Bright Creatures for book club. The 2022 bestselling novel by Shelby Van Pelt was a smash hit, a feel-good read with a trio of lovable characters.

Screenwriter/director Olivia Newman brings Remarkably Bright Creatures to the screen with a movie that not only captures the spirit of the novel, but also creates a visual experience that is part dream and part fairy tale.

Remarkably Bright Creatures is, on its face, the story of a mischievous octopus living out his days at an aquarium in Washington. Marcellus is a Giant Pacific octopus, unhappy with his captivity and his exposure to most people. The only human he tolerates is Tova, the night cleaner. Marcellus narrates the story of his own life, and those of Tova and Cameron, a new addition to the aquarium staff.

The story here is about human grief, aging, healing, and purpose. Marcellus is the lens through which we see the humans struggling with, well, being human. His affectionate contempt for their tribulations is tempered by his valiant efforts to help them heal.

Remarkably Bright Creatures is a gentle movie, tender with its characters and with its audience. Tova is sassy and demanding and has a group of friends who revel in being age-inappropriate, much to Tova’s chagrin. Cameron is fumbling and awkward, learning to let go of past slights. Marcellus is the tie that binds them.

Two elements make Remarkably Bright Creatures a film worthy of its source material. The first is the exquisite use of visual effects. The rendering of Marcellus and the aquarium is magical. The cinematography is never gritty or hyper-realistic; instead it has a soft, gauzy feel that makes a narrating octopus seem perfectly natural. There’s a talent here that’s hard to put a finger on, but cinematographer Ashley Connor does a marvelous job interpreting this material.

The second is the superb casting, particularly of Sally Field as Tova. She gives the character the depth she deserves, allowing her to be inconsistent and stubborn and caring and detached. Her grief has shaped her life, and Marcellus is her only real confidante.

The rest of the cast is great, but they’re all riding in her wake. Lewis Pullman does well as Cameron, and Joan Chen, Kathy Baker, and Beth Grant are fun as Tova’s friends. Colm Meaney is a cut above the rest of the supporting cast as a local shopkeeper.

I really enjoyed Remarkably Bright Creatures, but it isn’t for everyone. It’s a lovely, fairy tale-esque movie with great performances and beautiful effects that elevate the story. If you’re looking for heart-pounding action or gritty conflict, one look at the poster should tell you to look elsewhere.

Remarkably Bright Creatures

Child Guardians: Two for the Price of One!

Badass loners are a dime a dozen. You’ve got assassins, mobsters, wandering gunslingers, and other jaded leads who can mow down armies of mooks. But why would they get involved in plots that don’t concern them? The easiest way to see the character beyond the killing machine is to give them a child to protect.

Child Guardians are an easy story to tell. The child is younger than 18 and often a different gender than the guardian. They generally can’t protect themselves and are more optimistic and innocent. The guardian is at least a decade older than their charge. They are unstoppable and slowly become vulnerable by raising the child. Guardians often die in the sequels so the child can become the main character.

Who are the top 5 child guardians? How many Pedro Pascals will make the list? Let’s find out.

#5 Zabuza and Haku

Voiced By: Steve Blum and Jason Marsden
Series: Naruto

Child Guardians are often heroes. Most villains lack the empathy and patience needed to care about a tagalong. This cold-hearted killer found a perfect tool.

The Child: Haku was a farmer’s child. He discovered that he had been born with ice magic and showed his parents. His father gathered an angry, frightened mob and murdered his wife for having the same powers. Haku slaughtered the mob with ice spikes in retaliation.

Haku wandered the countryside, not sure what to do next. He was found by a runaway ninja named Zabusa who was impressed by his magic. Haku swore to live for Zabusa’s sake and became a living weapon for the older warrior.

The Guardian: Zabusa Momochi was a child soldier raised in the Hidden Mist Village. He was nicknamed “The Demon” after murdering his graduating class to prove his skills. Zabusa joined the elite Seven Swordsmen and led a failed coup d’etat against his village. 

Zabusa knew that Haku’s ice magic would be useful for a second rebellion and trained him as a medic. Zabusa believed that people could only use others, but slowly embraced Haku’s philosophy of living for others.

The Duo: Zabusa and Haku reluctantly worked as hired muscle for a mobster named Gato. They battled a team of ninjas protecting their latest target. Haku became friends with a young ninja named Naruto, debating philosophy with the headstrong rookie.

Haku fought Naruto while Zabusa battled his teacher. Haku’s ice magic overwhelmed Naruto until he abandoned the fight to save Zabusa from a lethal attack. Zabusa claimed that Haku’s sacrifice meant nothing, but admitted to caring after an impassioned speech from Naruto. Zabusa sacrificed himself to kill Gato and died next to Haku, wondering if a sudden snowfall was his companion’s tears.

#4 Child Guardian: Wolverine and Jubilee

Played By: Hugh Jackman and Lana Condor
Series: X-Men

Wolverine adopting surrogate daughters is a running gag. It’s such a common trait that it made our list of Wolverine Secrets. So why did Jubilee get chosen to represent him as a child guardian?

The Child: Jubilee was a runaway whose parents had been murdered. She discovered her Mutant powers and began living in a mall. The X-Men saved her from Mutant hunters and unknowingly brought Jubilee to their base.

The Guardian: Wolverine is a 200 year old Mutant who has fought his way across the planet. He was captured by Weapon X, which coated his bones in unbreakable metal and removed Wolverine’s memories to make him a perfect weapon. He escaped and went on the run.

Wolverine was recruited for the X-Men and became a troublemaker. He often disobeyed orders and flirted with teammate Jean Grey. Even after warming up to the team, he kept many secrets and was rude.

The Duo: Jubilee saved Wolverine from the X-Men’s enemies and traveled the world with him while they tried to reunite with the globetrotting team. The mall rat was forced to grow up as Wolverine became her mentor, teaching her how to survive in the real world.

After reuniting with the X-Men, Jubilee continued acting as Wolverine’s sidekick. That made her a target for Dracula’s son Xarus, who turned her into a vampire to bait a trap. Wolverine was able to cure himself of vampirism, but she was stuck as a bloodsucker. Our Jubilee Backstory has the rest of that tale.

#3 Jinx and Isha

Voiced By: Ella Purnell and Lucy Lowe
Series: Arcane

A child guardian’s charge isn’t always special. There are only so many people with a secret heritage or magic blood. Sometimes, the specialness is in how mundane they are, giving their guardian something tangible.

The Child: Isha is a non-verbal girl living in the Undercity of Zaun. As Zaun edged towards war with its sister city Piltover, Isha was pursued by thugs. She accidentally fell onto notorious terrorist Jinx, who killed her assailants.

The Guardian: Jinx was the adopted daughter of crime lord Silco. While coping with many mental health issues, she committed crimes to prove her worth to him. Jinx discovered that her estranged sister Vi had returned to Zaun and was caught in a power struggle. Her madness spiraled out of control, causing her to accidentally kill Silco and Piltover’s Council.

Jinx wandered Zaun, unsure what to do as the Undercity made her a symbol of rebellion. Silco’s second in command wanted to make her a figurehead and Piltover wanted her head on a spike. All Jinx wanted was one last fight with Vi so she could die by her sister’s hand.

The Duo: Isha began following Jinx around, saving her from Vi and acting like Jinx’s little sister. Jinx indulged Isha, helping her slowly recover. Isha responded by performing terrorist attacks disguised as Jinx and riling up the whole city.

Jinx and Isha reconciled with Vi after finding their adopted father, Vander, who had been transformed into a monster. They searched for a way to help him until their enemies caused Vander to go berserk and attack everyone. Isha stole Jinx’s gun, overloaded it, and sacrificed herself to kill Vander while Jinx could only watch.

#2 Child Guardian: Din Djarin and Grogu

Played By: Pedro Pascal
Series: Star Wars

Show of hands, who didn’t see these two coming? The Mandalorian and Grogu movie release helps, but the truth is that it’s hard to demonstrate a more ideal child guardian than Space Clint Eastwood and Baby Yoda.

The Child: Grogu was a Padawan who survived The Empire’s purge of the Jedi Order. He was evacuated from the temple and placed in hiding. Monks kept Grogu safe because of his powerful connection to The Force.

Grogu was found by Din Djarin, who defied the bounty hunter guild to protect him. Grogu bonded to his new guardian, following him around and occasionally helping him with The Force. 

The Guardian: Din Djarin is a Mandalorian bounty hunter. He saved Grogu from another hunter after learning Grogu was a child, which Mandalorians are protective of. His sect assigned Din to find Grogu’s people and return him to them.

Din traveled the galaxy while working itinerant jobs to fund the search. He doesn’t have The Force, but his armor is made out of unbreakable Beskar steel, and he has decades of Mandalorian training with dozens of weapons. 

The Duo: Din and Grogu were constantly on the run, but forged an alliance with many bounty hunters and people they had helped. They were eventually found by Luke Skywalker, who agreed to train Grogu. That apprenticeship ended when he realized the child wanted to stay with Din and become a Mandalorian.

#1 Joel Miller and Ellie Williams

Played By: Pedro Pascal and Bella Ramsey
Series: The Last of Us

Superpowers and special training don’t make a child guardian. There are many important traits, but only one question that matters in the end: The kid or the world? This guardian was forced to make that choice.

The Child: Ellie Williams was raised in a fascist society following a fungal apocalypse. While exploring with her girlfriend, they were bitten by a zombie. Ellie discovered that she was immune to the virus and was forced to kill her now-zombified lover.

Ellie was smuggled out of the city and traveled the country, searching for a group of rebels called The Fireflies. She saw many people suffering from the virus and hoped that her blood could create a vaccine. The difficult journey turned Ellie into a survivor.

The Guardian: Joel Miller was a carpenter and single father. He lived through the pandemic, but his daughter Sarah was executed after being mistaken for an infected. Joel became a smuggler in the new world, performing crimes for extra supplies.

Joel was contracted to bring Ellie to the Fireflies. He killed zombies and hostile survivors to protect her, slowly seeing Ellie as a surrogate daughter. Joel often feared he wasn’t strong enough to keep Ellie safe and kept her at arm’s length.

The Duo: Joel and Ellie became inseparable, despite knowing that they would have to part once they found The Fireflies. That changed when the Fireflies drugged Ellie and planned on lethal surgery to extract the cure from her brain cells. Joel went on a rampage, slaughtering the Fireflies and saving his adopted daughter.

Joel and Ellie retired to a survivor compound founded by his brother. Ellie was outraged after realizing what Joel had done because she would have sacrificed herself to save the world. They reconciled just in time for Firefly remnants to track Joel down and kill him in front of Ellie. She swore revenge and left her newfound home to hunt them down.

Who is your favorite Child Guardian? Is there a duo that should be with these ten? Tell us in the comments.

Child Guardians: Ranking the Top 5

Rating:

This is the demon hole?

Main Cast: Jeffrey Checker, Denise Checker

Director: Jeffrey Checker

We had a little time to kill yesterday while we ate lunch—not a lot, though; we still wanted to get a walk in before it got too late—so I went on to Screamify intending to watch one of their shorts.  I was just about to click one when I noticed right below it a documentary.  I wondered how long it was, but the app doesn’t have run times listed on the product page, so I hit play and checked it.  An hour and 15 minutes?  Hmm.  Well, lemme check out the trailer first … okay that looks sort of familiar, actually, in that it reminded me of the few ghost hunts my wife and I had done at the local mental hospital over the years.

Sure, let’s watch this; it should at least be good for a laugh, right?

Nope.

AREAS OF HIGH STRANGENESS: STIMSON HOSPITAL is 75 minutes of repetition and noise perpetrated by Jeffrey Checker, self-proclaimed demon hunter.

His team, the Demon Hunter Society, enters the Stimson Hospital in Eaton Rapids, MI, in hopes of capturing evidence of paranormal phenomena and get, according to this short documentary of the events, both more and less than they bargained for.

According to their equipment, the spirits—or DEMONS as Checker insists they are—are very vocal, talking nonstop and engaging with the team.  Myself, I understood very little of what was coming from the spirit box they were using, other than a lot of static broken up by the occasional grunt that may or may not have been a word.  I certainly didn’t hear all the words and phrases the subtitles insisted on.  I did, however, hear Checker repeating the same lines over and over because in addition to writer and director, Checker was also the editor of this mess, and whether to emphasize the importance of what he was preaching, or just to pad out the run-time because things need to be a certain length in order to considered a “feature film”, he kept re-playing the same clips over and over.

I love how these ghost hunters always seem to insist everything they encounter is a demon.  The Warrens did it, Zach Bagans does it (so I’ve heard; I’ve never actually seen anything he’s done).  Jeffrey Checker certainly does it.  I’ve said for 30 years that my house is haunted, but I know enough not to say I know for absolute sure that ghosts exist.  I just know I’ve heard weird things here and there in my house, things I couldn’t have heard if I was alone in the house, doors opening and closing, knocking on my office door when no one else is here, but even with that, I don’t say I know definitely that ghosts are real.  And I certainly wouldn’t jump to, “It’s demons!”  But all the paranormal investigators I’ve seen on TV, they always do it: it’s DEMONS!!!!

Alright, alright, calm down.

My wife was over this one REAL quick, but I was engrossed in just how off the rails the whole thing went by the end.  What started as a silly documentary that had us laughing in the first 10 minutes eventually turned into a drinking game that would have had us both passed out on the floor before the credits ran.  AREAS OF HIGH STRANGENESS: STIMSON HOSPITAL is just … wow … the fact that this was picked up and released as a real thing, as something that another person in the world saw and thought “yes, the world needs to see this,” just baffles me.

What baffles me even more, though, is that Checker has another one about an old mill that I’ve added to my Tubi watchlist (this one’s also streaming on Tubi, FYI) and, when the wife goes out of town to her parents’ for the night, I’m totally watching it!

Jeffrey Checker and his band of idiots just might be one of my new favorite things.  Fair warning, though: if you’re NOT someone who can put on Nine Inch Nails’ THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL and play it at high volume, I don’t think you’d be able to sit through this one either, with the spirit box’s constant whirring and static and beeping going on nonstop.  This was a noisy one for sure and if it had gone on much longer, I just might have had to bow out myself.  This one’s not for everyone.  Hell, this one’s not for anyone.  Watch it as a joke, but that’s as far as it goes: for someone wanting a serious look at the paranormal world, AREAS OF HIGH STRANGENESS: STIMSON HOSPITAL is not the place to look!

Areas of High Strangeness: Stimson Hospital