The Mox News Flash

German Court Upholds Ban on Religious Symbols . . . But Not Really

noreply@blogger.com (Abu Turab) — Fri, 26 Jan 2007 10:48:00 +0000

BAVARIA,

Germany

– Over the recent years, many academics and journalists raised concerns over how Muslim minorities will affect the cultural integrity of Europe. Many books and articles have been written arguing that the increase in Europe’s indigenous Muslim population, fuelled by conversion and immigration, would ultimately lead to Islamicization resulting in “Eurabia”, “Euro-shari’ah”, “Londonistan,” or, my favorite, “The Axis of Evil Men that are oblivious to the Biryani embedded in their Beards.”

For the first time in history, Europeans have redirected their racial hatred from all things American to all things Muslim who are supposedly responsible for overpopulation, stealing jobs, increasing crime, and, more suspiciously, leaving mysterious flower pots at restrooms all across their respective countries.

No single issue has been more contentious then the donning of the hijab by Muslim women. The controversy began in the late 1980s when France decided to ban the hijab in public schools. The issue flared up again last October when Jack Straw, a leading official within Tony Blair’s government, called upon Muslim women to abandon extremism and “integrate” into British society by taking off their veils.

Germany joined in on the fray last week when the highest appellate court in Bavaria ruled that it was not unconstitutional for German states to ban religious symbols in public schools. Therefore, the court held, it was unlawful for Muslim women to wear headscarves while teaching in public schools, although the laws created exemptions for robes worn by Catholic nuns and skull caps worn by Orthodox Jews because they were “Occidental.” Judge Huber began his ruling by shouting “West Side” and making a gang symbol with his fingers before arguing that legislators could ban the hijab in order to promote gender equality and integration. He said “There’s no discrimination in these laws! The Muslims are separate, but still equa l! There’s nothing more German than to single people out for discrimination by the law. What better way to incorporate Muslims into German society than by segregating them and making them dress differently from people of other faiths? Maybe we can make them wear special symbols such as armbands stating whether they’re integrated or not. That’s a great idea! I’m surprised no German has thought of this before!” He paused for a moment to ask himself “Or have they?” as he stroked his toothbrush mustache.

The judge’s sentiments were approved by many Germans such as Christoph Kannengiesser, the Deputy Secretary General of Konrad Adenauer Foundation, who said that "We must not allow Muslim women to separate themselves from German society. We have to work harder to integrate them and the women also have to be willing to integrate.” Mr. Kannengiesser proceeded to explain his brilliant program for integrating Muslims. “This is a big problem that must be addressed immediately. The best solution for this integration debacle is to create special integration camps. This shouldn’t be too hard; we’re Germans. We have plenty of experience building ‘special integration camps.’ Haha. That’s an inside joke. Okay, not really, but still. Anyhow, I’ve developed a special test for determining if Muslims are integrated or not. First, we can tie stones around them and throw them into a body of water such as a river. If they float to the top, then they’re not integrated and we’ll burn them at stake. If they sink and drown, that means they’re integrated. It’s a great idea! It worked on integrating witches into European culture, didn’t it?”

Muslim women have not given up the fight to wear the veil. They have proposed a new design for a veil that may be more “in line” with the Occidental values espoused by the court.

Saddam Execution: Parody of Justice

noreply@blogger.com (Abu Turab) — Mon, 08 Jan 2007 06:06:00 +0000

Those of you who have frequented this website in the past know exactly what Mox News is about. It’s a website that uses satire to mock the main stream media establishment while informing Muslims of issues that concern them. Normally, we use a literary device called a “parody” when making fun of the news. This past week, Saddam Hussein was executed in Iraq. Fortunately for us (or unfortunately depending on how you look at it) there is no need to make a parody of this event because the event itself was a parody. The parody in the execution of Saddam Hussein is not one of humor, but of justice. Saddam Hussein was a tyrant and a despicable man. He killed his own countrymen and engaged in war crimes against others using heinous weapons, some of which were provided by the US government when it was supporting him to contain the Iranian Revolution. As terrible of a dictator and a human being as Saddam was, however, he deserved a fair trial. The manner in which his trial was conducted was not all that different being lynched from a lamppost on the streets of Baghdad, like some of his countrymen are being hung today. Street justice is not justice at all. It is a parody of justice.

This farce of a trial began when it was decided that the location of the trial itself which was in Iraq instead of the International Criminal Court. This tribunal was established in 2002 in order to prosecute individuals charged with genocide, crimes against humanity, war crimes, and the crimes of aggression. Unsurprisingly, the U.S. has avoided submitting itself to the jurisdiction of the ICC and has gone so far as to have made treaties with a variety of countries that prohibit the surrender of American nationals, current or former government officials, military personnel, and employees. Countries that refused to sign such agreements have had their aid cut. The main reason why the U.S. has expressed such opposition to the ICC is most likely because it doesn’t want to be charged with violating these crimes. With regards to Saddam Hussein, perhaps the reason why the U.S. didn’t want him tried in the ICC was because the ICC doesn’t utilize the death penalty.

Although the court is often described as a court of “last resort” and normally defers to national judicial systems, there is something very suspicious about the decision not to have the trial in the ICC.

Firstly, the decision to try Saddam Hussein in the Iraqi Special Tribunal and not the ICC was not a decision of a democratically elected indigenous Iraqi leadership, but a decision that was made by the Coalition Provisional Authority, which was created, funded, and sustained by the U.S. Department of Defense and had its authority enforced by the military, not the Iraqi police or its military. The CPA still occupies many of Saddam’s palaces as offices, even though power has been supposedly “transitioned” back to the Iraqi people.

The second point to take note of regarding this "trial" was the crimes that Saddam was charged with. He was charged with committing crimes against humanity for his ruthless oppression of the inhabitants of Dujail after a failed assassination attempt by Shi’as in 1982. What is suspicious is not necessarily what he was charged with, but he was not charged with. In his tenure as dictator, he was responsible for countless tortures, assassinations, use of chemical weapons against civilians, and many other heinous crimes dating up to the invasion in Gulf War II. Yet, this laundry list of crimes was completely ignored and the focus was solely on the actions that occurred in 1982. Why weren’t all of the charges brought against him?

Perhaps the US was concerned about evidence being exposed that showed that it was complicit in some of Saddam’s acts. The American relationship with Iraq began in early 1980’s when President Reagan removed Iraq from the list of known terror states. Desperate to lock in the Islamic Revolution of Iran, the US began sending massive financial and military aid to Iraq: in 1982, Iraq was given 60 defender helicopters, the Defense Intelligence Agency began providing the Iraqis detailed information on Iranian deployments, tactical battles, plans for air strikes and bomb damage assessments; in 1983, the CIA began funneling $5 billion in unreported loans to Iraq; they were given computer controlled machines tools, computers, scientific instruments, special alloy steel and aluminum, chemicals, and other materials that would be used to develop Iraq’s missile, chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons programs; the US also began sending Howitzers, Huey helicopters, and bombs to Iraq in violation of the Arms Export Control Act. In spite of known intelligence that Iraq was using chemical weapons against both Iranian military and civilians, an American civilian named Donald Rumsfield met with Saddam Hussein and assured him of US friendship and materials support on December 20^th, 1983. A year after this meeting, the CIA began sharing information with Iraqi intelligence on how to calibrate mustard gas attacks on Iranian troops. In 1986, when the United Nations Security Council passed resolutions condemning Iraq’s use of chemical weapons, the US blocked this resolution. Around the same time, the US Department of Commerce licensed 70 biological exports to Iraq, at least 21 of which were lethal strains of anthrax. These very chemicals were used against Saddam’s own citizens in subsequent years such as in 1988 when Saddam killed thousands of Kurdish civilians. Later that year, the US Department of Commerce approved shipments to Iraq that were used in manufacturing mustard gas. 1988 was also a good year for Dow chemicals, which sold $1.5 million in pesticides to Iraq, even though they knew that such “pesticides” were going to be used to eliminate human beings, not insects and other vermin. During this entire period, not a single official in the American government raised any concerns or objections to the legality of these actions. They ignored them entirely because the U.S. was focused solely on defeating Iran and not dispensing justice. It turned a blind eye to the atrocities committed by Saddam Hussein and remained silent about it until it was against the “national interest” to support Saddam. Suddenly, some of these skeletons were brought out of the closet when Saddam was charged with these war crimes. Unfortunately, many other skeletons, both figuratively and literally speaking, will remain hidden because they can indubitably traced to the American government through financial or military support. [For more information, click here]

The third point to take note of regarding this “trial” was the day that the verdict was announced: November 5^th, 2006. Two weeks before the U.S. mid-term elections. This fact did not go unnoticed by Saddam’s defense attorneys, who urged the court to delay the announcing of the verdict.

Fourthly, according to the former judge who presided Saddam’s trial, Rizkar Mohammad Amin, stated that the decision to perform the execution on Eidh ul Adha was in violation of Iraqi law. He said “The implementation of Saddam's execution during Eid al-adha is illegal according to chapter 9 of the tribunal law. Article 27 states that nobody, even the president (Jalal Talabani), may change rulings by the tribunal and the implementation of the sentence should not happen until 30 days after publication that the appeals court has upheld the tribunal verdict. The hanging during the Eid al-Adha period (also) contradicts Iraqi and Islamic custom. ‘Article 290 of the criminal code of 1971 (which was largely used in the Saddam trial) states that no verdict should implemented during the official holidays or religious festivals,’ he said.” [Source] Even though such a ruling was in violation of the law, a fatwa was given by Shi’a ‘Ulema approving of the hanging. Why is that not surprising?

From this point onwards, everyone knows the story because they’ve seen the video. Witness how this man was taunted by his executioners, witness how they cut him off while reciting the Shahadah. The fact that such a video was take in the first place shows that protocol at the highest levels of the Iraqi government was violated, illustrating exactly how deep sectarian affiliations have penetrated the government.

Saddam Hussein was not the sole person to be lynched that day, justice itself was lynched. His execution will not bring solace to his victims nor to Iraq as a whole. The manner in which his execution was handled will inflame sectarian violence to greater levels than they already are at. After the execution, Sunnis aggrieved by his execution barged into the Shi’a Samarra mosque and staged a fake janazah.

Of course, from the beginning, this "trial" was not about justice, it was about vengeance, it was about dealing with a rogue agent, it was about eliminating challenges to American hegemony. There is nothing more glaringly morally bankrupt than hosting an execution for crimes against humanity that is carried out by a government which has been deeply infiltrated by death squads.

The United States government will deny responsibility for this debacle, just like it refused to accept responsibility for the terrible deeds done at Abu Ghraib or Guantanamo Bay. These sorts of activities reveal a very ugly pattern of behavior that is downright psychotic. Who will be held accountable for these crimes?

Our suggestion:

Impeach President Bush and his entire administration and ship them over to the International Criminal Court so that they can be tried for crimes against humanity, like Saddam should’ve been tried.

"O ye who believe! Stand out firmly for Allah, as witnesses to fair dealing, and let not the hatred of others to you make you swerve to wrong and depart from justice. Be just: that is next to Piety: and fear Allah. For Allah is well-acquainted with all that ye do."

[Surat Al-Maidah 5:8]

Mox News needs you!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 03:37:00 +0000

Who Should Be The Eidh Mascot?

Every religion has its fair share of symbols and personas. Christmas has Santa Clause, Hannukah is represented by a menorah, Easter has the Easter Bunny, and so on and so forth. If Eidh, the Muslim holiday, had a mascot, who would it be?

We've come up with three potential candidates for this position. Based on YOUR votes, we're going to pick an official Eidh mascot. The winner for this poll will be announced on Monday January 1st.

Send this post to your friends and family so they can vote too by sending them our permalink.

The mascot that receives the most votes will be featured in the upcoming film "Gandaghee 2."

Cast your vote for the Mox News Eidh Mascot 2006! Use your vote wisely as there can be only one!

-Ali

Seasons Greetings

noreply@blogger.com (Abu Turab) — Sun, 24 Dec 2006 07:47:00 +0000

Dear Mox News Readers,

Seasons greetings and happy holidays.

Sincerely,

Santa Clause
Guantanamo Bay, Cuba

PS: Don't carry suspicious packages when travelling or you'll end up like me.

Conference on Denial of “Holocaust Denial Conference”

noreply@blogger.com (Abu Turab) — Mon, 18 Dec 2006 22:43:00 +0000

CHISINAU, Moldova – White supremacists, anti-Zionist orthodox Jews, and hardliner Iranians were angered by an announcement earlier today by the Prime Minister of Moldova that his country will be hosting a conference inquiring whether the Holocaust Denial Conference hosted in Iran last week ever happened. Mr. Vasile Tarley, the head of state of the obscure eastern European country located next to Ukraine, hailed the conference as a landmark event in history that will culminate in the dissolution of Denial Conferences in the fashion of the Soviet Union. “I am quite aware of the amount of controversy that this will generate in certain intellectual circles, but there is no conclusive evidence that this so-called ‘Holocaust Denial Conference’ ever occurred. Once we’ve exposed this glaring historical farces, Denial Conferences will finally come to an end! . . . Unless of course, we choose to host some more of our own Denial Conferences on Denial Conferences. That’s okay though, because it’s not really a Denial Conference . . . it’s a double-negative you see . . . it makes perfect sense if you look at this flow chart,” he stammered.

A clearly agitated reporter from Iran hammered the Prime Minister with questions. “What do you mean there was no conference? I was there! I wrote articles that were published in at least twelve different newspapers!” he blurted out incredulously.

Mr. Tarley dismissed these claims and many others immediately, scoffing “These are all fabrications. This conference was nothing but a hoax. Those articles were nothing but a hoax. In fact, YOU’RE nothing but a hoax!” He proceeded to close his eyes, cross his arms across his chest, and began chanting “You’re not really here. You’re not really here. Na-na-na-boo-boo. I don’t see you.”

The adamant reporter refused to give up and held up pictures that showed him at the conference along with Iranian President Ahmedinajad. He said “Look at these! I was totally there! I got freaking wasted there!” The picture showed a young man passed out on the floor with the words “I'm extremely gay" written across his forehead along with a mustache and goatee drawn in permanent black marker.

The Prime Minister persisted in his state of denial “Those pictures look fake, they’re probably photoshopped. That’s not even Ahmedinajad. That could be anybody. If you fold the picture in half, then flip it upside down, the image gets subverted into the twin towers burning. There was never an “Ahmedinajad” nor was their ever a conference! Free your mind. There is no spoon!”

In addition to well-known Israelis and Americans who desire tough sanctions against Iran for its nuclear weapons development program, the conference is expected to attract an awkward crowd of misfits such as Iranians who denied that the conference occurred even though they personally attended it. The conference will also be attended by 15^th century Spanish conquistadors who will go so far as to declare that Iran itself does not exist. Their leader, a man named Christopher Columbus was earlier reported to have created a group on the popular networking website Facebook called “We’ve Discovered The New World!” which contained the following statement: “For many a year, our sturdy ships were checked across the seas by the dastardly Turks and were denied our Christian right to India’s spice routes. By the mercy of the Lord, after months of sailing on unknown rough waters, we came across this fair land and intend to colonize it for our Noble King and his Fair Queen. For glory, God, and gold, I say.”

Colin Powell will be attending the second day of the conference, but his concern is not whether the Holocaust Denial Conference occurred, but merely to reiterate his earlier opinion that Saddam Hussein still has weapons of mass destruction. In a special phone interview with Mox News Flash, he told us “I stand by my presentation at the United Nations several years ago. Even though these so-called weapons experts claim that there are no weapons of mass destruction, we know they’re there. I have an insider source who told me it was Colonel Mustard, in the Kitchen, with a WMD. All we need to do is locate this Colonel Mustard character and find his kitchen, and we’re guaranteed to find these missing WMD’s.”

We tried contacting Mr. Ahmedinijad from Iran, but we were told he was too busy working on a counter-denial conference of the Denial Conference on Iran’s Holocaust Denial Conference.

Shaikhs On a Plane!

noreply@blogger.com (Abu Turab) — Sat, 02 Dec 2006 00:50:00 +0000

MINNEAPOLIS, Minnesota - US Airways was pleased to announce that six Muslim Imams have won a secret lottery prize today. Joe Goebbels, spokesman for the airlines, read an official statement from the company where he announced that six, count them six, Muslim imams were lucky enough to win a secret racial raffle. The statement declared that the Imams had not been pulled off the flight because they were flying while Muslim, but because each one of them had won a secret and completely random raffle game and it was out of sheer coincidence that all of the winners of this “special lottery” were Muslim.

Mr. Goebbels said “I was really excited when we found out that all six winners of our secret raffle were Muslim. Muslims are often racially profiled at airports by bigoted scumbags who can’t tell the difference between terrorists and moderates. This prize will do a great job at telling the world that US Airways does not condone racism and bigotry in any way, shape, or form. Seriously though, those people who engage in racial profiling of Muslims based on nothing but physical appearances and misinterpreting practices such as prayers are complete morons. We strongly feel that only idiots with brains the size of peas would do such a thing.” Mr. Goebbels passionately began criticizing those that engage in such practices “Damn, what kind of lamoid tools could possibly even think of engaging in such blatant stereotyping? I can’t fathom how such people could be so narrow-minded and stupid to make such generalized conclusions about the adherents to a faith that has over 1,600,000,000 devotees, that’s one in six people on the face of the earth folks! In fact, perhaps the reason why all of the winners of our secret raffle were Muslim is because there are so many friggen Muslims in the world! It just boggles the mind how people could take the actions of a few thousand terrorists and apply them to over 1,600,000,000 Muslims! That’s less than 1% for crying out loud!!! Man, am I glad that our company isn’t retarded like that and would NEVER EVER even CONTEMPLATE engaging in such gross violations of human rights for a people that make up a huge portion of the human race and have made contributions in every single field of knowledge, including, but not limited to astronomy, mathematics, physics, philosophy, navigation, literature, sociology, and economics. Man, that stuff pisses me off.” Visibly shaken for his sympathies of a minority that has been targeted and abused, Mr. Goebels paused for a moment to contain his emotions before continuing. “I can’t believe some people misinterpreted our actions as being based on race and religion.” He rolled his eyes as he continued “Only a completely competent and drug-free mind would come up with such a dumb conclusion.”

The winners of this purported “secret special raffle” were lucky enough to be the first picks for a “secret special draft”. The Imams were not going to be drafted as players for a famous Minnesota basketball team, but drafted as members of forced conscription thanks to a bill recently introduced into Congress by Senator Rangel from New York. The six imams were pulled off of US Airways Flight 300 and won an all expense paid trip to fight in the front lines of wars that will be fought all over the world by the newly formed “We’re Not Being Imperialist, We Really Care About You And Your Pet Turtles” Peace Corps. The imams received stunningly gorgeous orange jumper suits designed by Armani with matching designer head hoods that were specially made by Tommy Hilfiger.

Incredulous reporters had a hard time swallowing US Airway’s claim that they did not engage in racial profiling and queried whether the decision to take the imams off the flight had anything to do with a note that was written by a paranoid passenger. The passenger purportedly stood up after watching the Imams praying and shouted “I am sick and tired of these mother****ing Sheikhs on this mother****ing plane” and stormed to the front of the plane and handed a note to an air hostess. The note from a passenger read: “2-6 suspicious Arabic men on place. All were together, saying ‘. . . Allah . . . Allah . . .’ cursing U.S. involvement w/Saddam before flight. P.S. would you like to go on a date with me?” The air hostess responded by ejecting the passenger from the plane and into the nearby ocean, where he was promptly torn apart by man-eating sharks all the while yelling “They ate me! The ****ing sharks ate me!” Allegedly, the air hostess proceeded to inform the captain of the note who directed the men to be kept off the plane.

The spokesman for US Airways guffawed “Oh that little note! Well, we can’t deny that they were Arabics. These guys were clearly made up of 28 letters that perfectly represented guttural sounds and occasionally needed a fathah, kasrah, and dhamma for clarification . . . of course they were Arabic! And what’s up with this all this ‘Allah Allah Allah’?” I’m not trying to be a racist bigot, but that’s un-American. If the founding fathers wanted this country to worship Allah, they would’ve written it into the Bible. We’re not engaging in stereotypes of Muslims, we hate all Muslims equally! That’s why we kicked them off the plane . . . err . . . I mean they were so lucky to have won that raffle! Ha. Ha. . . .Crap.” Pausing in the middle of his response, he blinked twice, ran away from the podium, dived into a plane, flew off, and was never seen again.

The Imams themselves could not be reached for comment because their mouths were muffled by their designer head hoods.

New Line Cinema has made a deal with US airways to document the incident in a movie entitled “Shaikhs On a Plane.”

ISNA Switches to Calculations for Matrimonial Services

noreply@blogger.com (Abu Turab) — Sun, 26 Nov 2006 09:27:00 +0000

CHICAGO, Illinois – The Islamic Society of Nothing Accomplished (ISNA) announced today that it would utilize its infamous “calculation method” for its matrimonial services. The “calculation method” first appeared last Ramadhan when ISNA issued a press conference and expressed its concern about the rising trend of Muslim unity and vowed to do everything in its non-existent power to stop it. A committee was formed which consisted of various Muslim intellectuals, scholars, and scientists, all of whom had advanced degrees in Uncle-ology. The committee formulated a very simple step by step program for determining the “sighting” of the moon to commence the beginning of the holy month:

Step 1: Find the Qu’ran and Sunnah

Step 2: Completely ignore it

Step 3: Use an 8-Ball to do Istikharah

Step 4: If the moon is actually sighted, accuse the people who sighted the moon of causing fitnah and causing fitnah is wrong because only ISNA has the exclusive right to cause fitnah.

The calculations which resulted from the formula created massive chaos all across North America as various communities were torn apart over whether to follow the Traditional method of moon-sighting as described in the Qur’an and Sunnah or to follow ISNA. Some Muslims opted to follow Saudi Arabia, which goes against the Qur’an, Sunnah, and what the magical 8-Ball told ISNA. The ensuing fighting that erupted in Muslim communities was so shocking that Sunnis and Shi’is in Iraq had to stop from their daily slaughter of each other to issue condemnations of ISNA’s policy. Adding to the confusion is the fact that some people are still waiting for the moon to be sighted.

After the chaos of the moon-sighting debacle, ISNA went back to work planning ways to destroy whatever vestige of Muslim unity remained. The committee of Uncleologists went back to work for two weeks straight and decided that they had a new way of applying the moon-sighting calculation. They hypothesized that the failure of the moon sighting (-1) multiplied with the failure of its matrimonial services (-1) would equal a positive success (+1) and thus redeem ISNA from its previous flops. With the frothing excitement of a crack addict visiting Baltimore, they proceeded to revamp their matrimonial services by abandoning the classical “sighting” method. For the purposes of marriage, the sighting method is actually two equally valid methods: local sighting and global sighting. Local sighting is based on an in individual observation of a potential rishta.

Under this method, potential spouses were judged on how close they resembled an albino.

The ideal spouse would be someone who was so white that they were actually transparent. The global sighting method looks at a potential rishta based on their country of origin. Under this method, young Muslims make their decision to marry someone based solely on the country of origin. Of course, such a method almost always devolves into inbreeding since people end up marrying their cousins. This might explain why all Punjabis look alike. Or at least why they have big noses. Or it could be because they genetically evolved large noses in order to steal the white man’s air, in which case we salute them.

The sighting method is not without its downsides. It has been directly attributed to an increase in blood pressure and celibacy in Muslim youth. One anonymous practitioner of the sighting method said “Matrimonial meetings with aunties suck. They look you up and down like you’re a slab of meat. I can’t be judgmental about others while aunties are judging me! It’s the most painful thing I’ve ever been through."

The moonsighting committee had its name changed to “F-1” for some reason that we still aren’t able to deduce. The committee incorporated immigrant Muslim computer scientists and mathematicians who were sick and tired of being rejected from American Muslim women who wouldn’t marry them using the “sighting” method because they looked, and smelled (mostly smelled) like fobs.

The calculation method is rather simple:

If applicant is a doctor, Rishta score = Infinite Points
If applicant works in IFSM, Rishta score = 4,000
If applicant has an MBA, Rishta score = 300 (Sliding scale based on automobile brand)
If applicant is a liberal arts major, Rishta score = -2930
If applicant is a political science major, Rishta score = Astaghfirallah! (Go to al-Fatihah, go directly to al-Fatihah. You do not go to Masjid. You do not get Nikkah.)

ISNA plans on implementing its marriage calculation method into a computer program entitled Microsoft Shaadi V. 1.3. Like all other Microsoft programs, it is expected to fail almost immediately, just like every other attempt by ISNA to do something productive.

In conclusion, we advise the Muslim youth to stay away from the lobby scene and the matrimonial services that are being propagated by ISNA. In fact, we advise you to stay away from ISNA altogether. Load up on as much garlic, wooden stakes, and silver bullets as your monthly allowance can afford. In the event of an ISNA representative coming your way, immediately call the UCPD and tell them that there are Muslims in the library again. It'll be like the running of the bulls . . . except instead of bulls . . . you'll have cops . . . with tazers . . . and the singing flesh of ISNA. Remember, only you can prevent fitnah fires.

Happy Thanksgiving!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 23 Nov 2006 17:48:00 +0000

Happy Thanksgiving from The Mox News Flash.

PS: Don't die, you crazy, crazy shoppers!

Shootings, Murders, Genocide Occur as Wii Becomes Available in the U.S.

noreply@blogger.com (Abu Turab) — Tue, 21 Nov 2006 19:28:00 +0000

In what has been termed the “greatest rise in criminal activity since the Prohibition”, Americans woke up
yesterday to a bloodbath all across the country following the release of Nintendo’s new gaming system, the Wii. This year, fanatical gamers came to department stores a few days early and set up camp. In their little makeshift tents, they stocked up on potato chips and red bull and spent their time worshipping robotic deities, begging them to expedite the coming of the game system that would save humanity by turning it into a bunch of mindless zombies. All was quiet on the Eastern front . . . until the games were released. That’s when all hell broke loose. Various gangs fell upon the seemingly unsuspecting gamers to steal their lunch money, give them wedgies, and snatch Wii’s wherever they could be found. Not all gamers submitted to such humiliation and, instead, put up a stiff resistance. One gamer went berserk and began knifing everyone around him within a 1 mile radius in the city of brotherly love, Philadelphia. Since he ended up killing a good deal of the population off, the homicide rate actually went down for change.

Even the watchful eye of the Best Buy mercenary team known as the “Geek Squad”, which was armed to the teeth with donuts, snazzy VW Beetles, and iPods, wasn't enough to prevent many people from being robbed by seedy toddlers and 30-year old unemployed fat men. Nintendo spokesman, Mary E. O lamented at these activities saying “If paramilitary nerd troupes are not enough to prevent these types of activities, we’ll have no choice but to call in a more intimidating military force. I’m thinking . . . UCPD . . . armed with Wii wand tazers.” Apparently, no one informed her that UCPD was already on the scene of many of the robberies . . . tazering people and stealing their Wiis then asking them to stand up and when they couldn’t because they were dead, they tazered them again.

The situation appalled the international community to such an extent that the United Nations set up refugee camps at Best Buys and Circuit City’s. Kofi Annan could not be reached for comment because he was too busy wildly gyrating his hands which were firmly clasped to two Wii wands in an effort to beat Hans Blitz’s highest score in a game developed by O.J. Simpson entitled “If I Did It” which is a game where players can assume various murderers in history who supposedly didn’t murder people, but if they did, they would’ve done it by stabbing them to death, hiding the bodies, fleeing from the police in a white Ford Bronco, confessing to the murder, and having their “dream team” of lawyers find loopholes in the justice system to get them out scot-free.

Perhaps the biggest let down of the entire slaughter was the Wii system itself. Gamers learned the hard way that Wii nunchucks weren’t effective against real nunchucks and real fists. They soon discovered that the wands only worked against bullets if they got the memory packs which won’t be released until 2012, when Nintendo finishes building its newest gaming system powered by nuclear energy.

In Palestine, protestors formed huge chains of human shields to protect their radical Islamist gamers from having their Wii systems stolen by Israeli helicopters. Those news stations that mistakenly reported the Israeli incursion as a legitimate attack against suspected terrorists apologized for their error and admitted that they were all working for the Zionist plot to control the world.

Universe Implodes: Or Maybe That Was Just Your Head

noreply@blogger.com (Abu Turab) — Tue, 21 Nov 2006 19:24:00 +0000

EVERYWHERE, USA - Many people woke up on Wednesday morning expecting some degree of normality, but would soon to discover a series of fortunate events. Socks were found matching without holes, Bill O’Reilly converted to Islam, women actually started making sense in arguments about relationships; just a few of the bizarre indicators that something strange was afoot in the cosmos. As the day progressed, a smorgasbord of unexpected events unfolded.

First and foremost in this never-ending list of Microsoft upgrades to the Universe was the violent coup d’etat in the US legislature by the Democratic Party. Armed with votes that were still sizzling from the ballots and with absolutely no idea what the hell they were doing, the Democrats breached the Capitol’s perimeter on a gigantic pirate ship. They had their baseball caps turned to the sides and proudly displayed their flipped out depends and chanted “Guess whose back? Back again? Tell a friend.” But the Republicans weren’t going to go down quietly and put up a stiff resistance. In the beginning of their counter maneuver, they attacked the ideological footing of the Democrats by insisting their views would be supporting terrorists by engaging in this . . . how you say . . . “thinking process”. . . which they condemned as evil. When that failed to work, the Republicans drew out their secret weapon: Karl Rove. They fired the fattest man alive from the world’s biggest catapult and directly hit the Democrat’s pirate ship, sinking it and much of the free world, into the recesses of the Potomac. That wasn’t enough to stop the wave after wave of Democrats bravely putting their lives on line to fight for entry into the nation’s legislature. It was only a matter of time before the Republican army, consisting mostly of demons and girl scouts, caved in. The second they broke the Republican line, the Democrats began fighting over the booty: house and senate seats and those classy Corinthian-leather chairs. An air of sadness filled the country’s capital as the landscape revealed scores upon scores of bodies. Most of the dead apathetic young men who, when given the option by MTV to “Vote or Die”, chose the latter and performed mass ritual suicide in the streets.

The second indicator of massive change in the universe was the resignation of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Well, technically speaking, he didn’t resign, he was fired by President Bush since he’s the one who made the announcement. Mr. Bush stated that “A bigger, faster, stronger view” was needed to solve the innumerable debacles created by the Bush administration spanning the distance between Morocco and the outer rings of Saturn. The President praised Rumsfeld for his accomplishments during his term. “Donald, or Donald Duck as I like to call him, has done things that no other Secretary of Defense in American history has been able to accomplish. He’s brought our military into the 21^st century through his hyperbolic time chamber training device, he’s taught many soldiers the fusion dance which bares a resemblance to the Macarena, and he’s single handedly managed to piss off every single human being on the face of the Earth. That last one is a tremendous accomplishment because I set the bar kinda high there with my war on terror. The American people still respect him as a person and just want to be friends, but sort of wanna keep their options open and see other Secretary of Defenses, the younger, sexier kind.” The rest of his words were drowned in the din of munchkin protestors who sang “Ding Dong! The Witch is Dead!”

Another surprise was the election of America’s first Muslim congressman, Keith Ellison, who won a seat in the House of Representatives. Islamophobes responded by throwing a vicious temper tantrum until they got tired, sat down, began sucking on their thumbs and whimpering for their mommy’s. Glen Back, a card carrying member of the “I Hate Muslims Because I'm a Redneck” Party and, coincidentally, commentator on CNN, interviewed Representative Ellison and asked him “I’m not saying you’re a terrorist, but if you were a terrorist, would you be a terrorist?” Representative Ellison responded that he was not a terrorist, but was cut off by Glen Back who began shouting “I KNEW IT! YOU’RE TOTALLY A TERRORIST! ONLY A TERRORIST WOULD SAY THAT! YOU ADMITTED IT ON NATIONAL TV! DIE! DIE! DIEEEEE!” Representative Ellison never lost his cool and quietly said “I think I’m going to support the ‘Use of Federal Funds To Go Back in Time and Abort Glen Beck’ fund.” We here at the Mox News Flash congratulate Representative Ellison and scream like teenyboppers every time we hear his name and hope he will sign our beards.

In the midst of these universal revolutions, there is one thing that clearly hasn’t changed: the Redskins. They still suck. That’s the one universal constant. The universe might explode or something, but the Redskins will still be there . . . somehow . . . someway . . . still sucking . . .like they always do.

Bush Expands Definition of “Enemy Combatant”

noreply@blogger.com (Abu Turab) — Fri, 10 Nov 2006 06:29:00 +0000

Earlier this week at a press conference in Washington D.C., U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced that the federal operation known as “Falcon III” had successfully arrested over 20,000 fugitive felons. Federal agents nabbed 971 convicted sex offenders who had failed to register with local authorities, 364 gang members, 218 rappers, 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 17 Duke football players, 3 French hens, 2 turtle-doves, and a congressman stuck in a pear tree with an underage page. Mr. Gonzales praised the efforts of U.S. Marshals stating “We haven’t done such a mass round up of human beings since the Nazis!” He proceeded to give them all two thumbs up. Roger Ebert, ululated in his native tongue and gave it two blubbery appendages down. The Attorney General shot him with a tazer and said “Alright folks, lets get these guys some soap and vaseline and send them on their merry way. Andale! Arriba! Arriba!”

Civil rights organizations all across the country immediately began scrutinizing the list, termed "The Schindler's List", for human rights violations. John Babbit, the Executive Director of Human Rights Watch, made a stunning finding. In a phone interview, he explained his discovery. “I obtained a copy of the list of fugitive felons from the Justice Department and began making rounds to the various prisons which were housing the arrestees when I noticed an ancient parched document being used as toilet paper. On closer inspection, I was shocked to discover that this document was the Constitution! I immediately called up Attorney General Gonzales and demanded an explanation. He told me that President Bush was going to address this issue later tonight.”

Later in the evening, the President indeed appeared. “My fellow Americans, tonight I come before you to explain some recent actions that I as dictator-for-life, I mean Commandante-in-Chief, have taken. Recently, it has come to my attention that the Constitution contains this little clause in the 4^th, 5^th, and 6^th amendments that have come to be termed as . . . how you say . . . 'due process'. Although this due process might seem rather innocent at a first glance, my dashing powers of perception have found out . . . that they give people certain rights! Things like . . . right against self-incriminalization, right to an attorney, right to a fair trial, and so on. What’s worse is that the Constitution has been giving these so-called 'rights' to Terra-ists which is definitely 'aiding and abetting' them. It is for this reason that I am sending the Constitution to Guantanamo Bay as a 'combatant’s enema'.” He paused for a moment as a secret security agent quickly ran up to the President and anxiously whispered something in his ear. The President firmly nodded his head and corrected himself saying “I meant enemy combatant. Anyhow, we must make it clear to the terrosaurists that aiding and abetting terraformists is terraflorism.The Constitution is a te:rawr:ist because it gives terROARists this 'due process', it should be called “die process” because it hates our freedoms and way of life. I’m also sending the Supreme Court to Gitmo for aiding and abetting the Constitution by interpreting it, which means that it also aids and abets terrorism.”

The Supreme Court had nothing to say because it had already been arrested and sent off to the Cuban military facility in a brown paper lunch bag along with a peanut better and jelly sandwhich which was promptly thrown in the trash, a Polly-O string cheese which was traded for a fake tattoo of a rare Yu-Gi-Oh card, and two rolls of Fruit-By-The-Foot which were the things packed by mommy that were actually eaten.

The American Civil Liberties Union, which has chosen to represent the Constitution in a imaginary court, has vowed to fight the administration’s decision, arguing that detaining the Constitution is unconstitutional.

Vice President Dick Cheney, speaking from his summer home, responded by pointing out that the Constitution couldn’t invoke constitutional rights because it would “support the terrorists.” He promptly fired a gigantic laser beam at Kevin Bacon who was connected to Al Qaeda through at least six different degrees.

British filmmakers announced yesterday that they will be documenting the journey of the Constitution from a mild-mannered American who loved hanging out with the founding fathers and pissing off Republicans into a radical baby-gnarling zombie-infested ideologue who runs around in between the prayer lines during ruku and deserves to be punted out of the Masjid like a football. They have decided to call the movie “Road To Guantanamo 2: Revenge of the Sith (and by Sith we mean Dick Cheney).” The film will undoubtedly cast shocking images based on real life events such as the Constitution in an orange jump suit being beaten in a cagematch by Hulkamania. Another graphic event that might be portrayed in the movie could be about how the Constitution was attacked by vicious guard dogs and military police responded by having salt poured into its open wounds causing him to melt like a slug. The movie might also show the riot that ensued after a Constitutional amendment, a text religiously revered mostly by liberal hippies, being thrown and flushed down the toilet. Perhaps the most horrifying event to be displayed in the movie will be in regards to when the Constitution was locked up in solitary confinement with flashing lights and repeatedly forced to listen to K Fed’s “Lose Control”. This last event resulted in the Constitution being hospitalized and made nearby baby unicorns cry blood.

Later this month, the “Articles of Confederation” will be sworn in as the new governing legal document. This event will be followed by an after-party commemorating “The Victory of the South Against Northern Aggression”. A separate “after-party” will be held for Muslims and Arabs at “Club Abu Ghraib” (No Need To Dress to Impress, in Fact, No Need to Dress at All, But Everyone Must Bring Their Own Bags).

Sony Unveils PS3 Game

noreply@blogger.com (Abu Turab) — Tue, 07 Nov 2006 19:52:00 +0000

MACHINE CITY, The Matrix - Earlier today, Sony unveiled its new gaming system, the Playstation 3. The PS 3 contains many of the same features as the earlier Playstation systems, but now comes with wireless web, a DVD player, an internal George Foreman Grill, and diabolical weather control. Aside from Dick Cheney who was heard whimpering “gimme gimme gimme!” at the mere mention of diabolically controlling the weather, most of the audience expressed their curiosity as to which game would accompany the system when it would be made available for sale later this month. During the question and answer session, Alfred Smith, from Minneapolis, Minnessota stood up and asked “Which game will accompany the new system?” Other members of the audience (which was comprised mostly of obese teenagers, scientologists, and unemployed Rastafarians) echoed his sentiments as excited whispers filled the room.

Arnold T-1000, the half-human half-machine founder of Sony, fired bolts of lightning into the air to silence the murmuring crowd. He shouted “Fools! Behold the power of cheese!” while the lights dimmed and a screen came down from the ceiling. An old woman's head exploded in anticipation of the preview of the game. Or maybe it was just Dick Cheney being diabolical again. Regardless of the cause of the old women's sudden loss of level headedness, frankly speaking, we at the Mox News Flash don't really care about old people anyway.

The opening cinematic scene shows a little Muslim boy running into a Masjid as an Islam-o-fascist chases after him. After the sequence ended, the title of the game appeared in bold letters: “Grand Theft Masjid.”

The concept of the game is modeled off the highly successful “Grand Theft Auto” game developed by the Rockstar company. However, instead of stealing cars, players must steal the shoes of people attending salatul jumaah while avoiding the Mutawaa – the heavily bearded religious police armed with highly reflective sunglasses and bid’a blasters.

The game begins in the parking lot of the Masjid where the main character is tasked with obnoxiously parking his taxi cab in an attempt to create a gridlock so horrendous, no one in a 400 mile radius will be able to move. After successfully pissing off 80% of the local population, players must direct their character to run into the masjid while avoiding confrontations with angry Pakistanis who will be late to work at gas stations all across the country. Upon entering the Masjid, one must steal as many shoes as possible while stuck in the midst of hairy, smelly men pushing and shoving each other around while heading nowhere.

The next level occurs in the bathroom. Players must deftly maneuver around the dirty Masjid bathr oom while hopping around in two left sided non-matching slippers. The objective of this level is to try and find a stall that is not doused in urine and fecal matter. Players only have two minutes to accomplish this near-impossible feat before all the breathable air in the bathroom runs out and the character succumbs to the noxious gas emanating from the hordes of people constantly making and breaking (mostly breaking) their wudhu. If the character dies during this level, his body is immediately snatched up by the Mutawwa and taken to the kitchen where his corpse is diced up into bits and put into biryani that will be served at the upcoming fundraising dinner.

If players survive the Masjid bathroom, they still have to make it in time to pray four rakaats before a boy, whose voice sounds like he's finally reached puberty, issues the adhan. After this, players must sit through the Imam’s khutbah without falling asleep. After the khutbah is over, players must run out of the room before the announcements are made by an incoherent Arab man or they’ll be stuck in the game forever and forcefully conscripted into the Tableeghi Jamaat. This part of the game is truly interactive because the Tableeghi Jamaat will actually jump out of the TV screen and ask you to come with them for forty days repeatedly until you succumb. No we're serious. You're screwed for life if you die in this game. These guys dont' take "no" for an answer (although they will take first born sons, jews, and expensive Picasso paintings as acceptable substitutes).

The most challenging level of the game by far occurs in the darkest, gloomiest, coldest depths of the masjid known as "The Dungeon" (affectionately termed "The Sister's Quarters" by the Masjid Board). In addition to being a prison cell for sisters convicted for the crime of being born female, this area of the Masjid also serves as a vacuum cleaner closet, a garbage disposal, and a gateway leading to the seventh circle of hell. The first challenge in this level is for players to enter quietly in order to order to avoid getting spiked in the face by sisters wielding high-heeled shoes while screeching "We can't hear the Imam!" The next challenge in this mission is to tell them that the khutbah has been over for four hours and they are getting evicted into the street in order to make room for the brand new brother's entertainment room which is comprised of a jacuzzi, tiki bar, and Playstation 3 entertainment system. If the sisters don't rip the character to shreds, he escapes the Masjid and is forever free from the Mutawwa, the Tableeghi Jamaat, and uncles that demand you place some funds into their kufis-turned-donation-boxes.

There are many other levels in the game, but we don't want to spoil the entire game for you.

Weapons featured in the game include shoes, miswak, bid’a blasters, shirk shooters, kufr cleavers, and prayer rugs laced with barbwire.

This game has been rated “M” for "Makruh" by the Saudi Gaming Association and "A" for "Astaghfirullah ul azeem, la hawla wala quwatta ill billah" level of harmness by the Hardcore Hanafis of Houston Gaming Association.

Jack Straw Calls for Integration . . . Again

noreply@blogger.com (Abu Turab) — Tue, 31 Oct 2006 06:35:00 +0000

LONDON, United Kingdom - Jack Straw, a leader of the House of Commons and high-ranking official in Prime Minister Tony Blair’s government, is at the center of another cultural controversy. Earlier this month, Mr. Straw made headlines worldwide when he complained that veils worn by Muslim women fomented divisions between Muslims and non-Muslims in England.

Yesterday, he repeated his calls for Muslim women to "take their niqabs off, spin it a round their heads, like a helicopter" during a press conference where he candidly also called for clowns to “abandon their silly costumes and integrate just like the rest of us". While sipping on a slurpee through his namesake, the British politician passionately declared “For centuries, clowns have been an insular minority in this country. They dress differently, talk differently, and they look funny. Clown costumes are a veil of separation between clown minorities and mainstream Britons” he said. “Plus, they scare me with their fake noses, wigs, and make up. It reminds me of the terrible times this country went through during the 80’s when fashion tastes reached an all time low. What was up with Boy George’s hair? It was a weapon of mass destruction. Anyhow, the point is, clowns are evil Christ-killers who hate our freedoms.” To illustrate his utter hatred towards clowns, Mr. Straw issued an order to a military officer who promptly nuked Clownistan, also known as "Bollywood" in common parlance.

Clown organizations all across the country expressed their disapproval of the politician’s comments. A few hours after the press conference, the Clandestine Insurgent Rebel Clown Army ("Al-Clowniroun" in Arabic), held a protest in front of Parliament in a gigantic red tent. For the most part, the demonstration was peaceful as protestors chanted “Jack Straw is a coulrophobic.” It wasn’t until a few of the more radical clowns pumped their fists in the air and shouted “Clown Power!” that police intervened and began spraying the demonstrators with tear gas through flowers pinned in their suits and began making arrests. Some clowns were seen being chased by police dogs, lions, tigers, and bears. An on looker shook her head as she uttered “Oh my!” in disgust. A clown wearing a cowboy hat was killed after being chased by a raging bull which threw him in the air with its horns.

During the MTV Clown Awards last night, Sad Eyes, leader of the human rights organization “Insane Clown Posse”, shocked viewers when the former quietly said “Jack Straw hates clown people.” Michael Myers, his co-host, swiftly responded by knocking him upside the head with a mallet.

Across the Atlantic, White House spokesman Tony Snow refused to address a reporter’s question as to whether George Bush would have to integrate into mainstream British culture. After he expressed the Bush administration's support for clown integration and clownicide, he was asked by a New York Times Reporter "Does this mean President Bush will have to integrate as well? I mean . . . c'mon . . . even without the make up . . . he kinda looks and talks like . . . a . . you know . . .you know a . . . clown." After pressing a red button which caused the ground to open up from beneath the reporter causing her to plummet into a den of man eating ligers, Mr. Snow said“Although we support the War on Humor and the British desire to eliminate comedy and make the world a dry and bitter place, they have no jurisdiction over the United States. We respect their sovereignty and expect them to respect hours and will continue to support them in torturing and killing clowninists. We’ll smoke them out of their circuses or rodeos, wherever they may be. Besides, President Bush isn't wearing a clown costume . . . thats all real.”

In a related note, radical Muslim cleric Shaykh Babba Ganoush angrily demanded that Mr. Straw "quit clowning around." In an e-fatwa that was uploaded to his myspace page next to depressing and melodramatic emo poetry, Shaykh Gannoush wrote: “Retards like Straw need to stop being ass clowns and integrate with normal, non-idiotic people.” The Shaykh was immediately arrested by M 16 agents, placed into a gigantic green canon, and fired across the British Isles into France, along with some other famous clowns.

Who should be this years Eidh Mascot?
	A. Money Man
	B. Three Hugs
	C. Uncle Clause
	D. Other (offer your suggestion in the article comment box)