Prior to adulthood, the only time I visited the ocean was a cold, windy day that was cut short by rain. Long into my life as a wife and mother, I thought I wasn’t really a beach person. I’ve been on a couple of cruises, but that’s not really the same as sitting on the sand next to the shore where waves are rolling in and rolling out. The mountains have always been more my thing because of the calm it brings me. To sit in the midst of mountains is another level of living in my body. Even to go to the grocery store with the mountains peaking out feels different somehow.

A few years ago Mr. Butler went to a conference in Florida two years in a row. The first year we tagged along and spent a week at Disney since none of our kids had ever been. The second year we did Legoland, Medieval Times and spent a couple of days at the beach. There was something life changing about sitting in the sand, feeling the rhythm of the planet reset me. My daughter felt it too. Are you noticing a pattern? Nature, in its purest and most iconic forms, has an effect on me. Since I live in Oklahoma there aren’t mountains or oceans nearby, but we moved to our current home to live among the trees. And it’s my absolute favorite thing.

A few weeks ago, we had the chance to tag along with Mr. Butler again to the Destin area of Florida and stay right on the beach. Our trip coincided with the full moon and I experienced the ocean as nothing short of fury. The power - without even putting my feet in - was overwhelming. This time I didn’t feel peace or reset like I had before. This time I felt seen, if that makes sense. I guess I identified with the intensity and force it seemed to be stirring up. When you spend years of absorbing and downplaying your own reality, it comes barreling out eventually and its not quiet. Like the talkative child you force into silence for too long, years of hushed life explode everywhere.

I always feel closer to God and nourished in my spirit when I spend time in nature, even if its a little green patch in the middle of a busy city. This visit to the ocean put into perspective a beautiful picture of God that is so much more than one thing. We hear a lot about the different emotions God feels - anger, jealousy, compassion, etc. - but staring at the ocean, I better understood how nature displays His nature. The ocean is powerful, diligent, rhythmic, cyclical, not a force you want to go up against, but definitely the source you want on your side. Mountains are stable, firm, supportive, and calming to my spirit in the way the Bible teaches that the Holy Spirit guides.

We have lost a few trees on our property since we moved in and this weekend we planted three new ones. These trees were from a local farm and all a couple of years old. When we went to pull the bag/material off that it had been planted in, the real work began. The roots on the oak tree had started to grow through the material and there was no pulling that would separate them. We had to cut the material, unfortunately cut some of the roots and then pull with all our might to get it loose. The young roots were so strong that my very strong 6’2, 285lb husband couldn’t just manhandle and separate. Trees take a beating in the wind and rain, but usually withstand it mightily. Their roots run far and deep, gathering nutrients to survive. And the life-giving oxygen! They literally sustain life in the most basic way. I see the nature of God in every tree that towers over me. He nourishes from depths I never see and helps me withstand storms that would kill me on my own.

The reflection of God in our natural world seems never-ending, naturally. Yet, we don’t see it most of the time. Our time and energy is often spent on things that take us further away from Him rather than bringing us closer. Standing in front of the ocean, listening to the deafening power it possesses, I couldn’t deny God. I couldn’t deny His presence there. A visit to the ocean was all it took to experience this verse in real time.

“Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10

I remember the exact moment in my living room in 2010 when I desperately wanted to know what my first born son was going to be like. He was scrunched on my shoulder like a tree frog and our journey together had just begun, but I impatiently wanted to know his nature that very moment. That deep desire was coming from my own need to be known and would impact so much of how I parented, even today. Friday I watched that same kid, 15 years old and towering over me, play 4 volleyball games with all the enthusiasm and growing skill you would expect from this ball obsessed guy.

After a really good block, I was suddenly taken back to that moment where the more he snuggled the more I just wanted to know who he was going to be. And there I was in reality watching him jump and dive, passionately showing up again and again, despite a really long schedule. Life is so funny. Knowing his strengths and personality was impossible in the beginning, but it was all I could think about. After a decade and a half together, I have mountains of data and knowledge to build a beautiful picture of who he is today, but it is increasingly easy to dismiss who he is or is becoming. Why? Mostly because parenting is hard, but it’s also hard to get out of my own way. I am navigating all of my own things while also trying to guide 3 other souls. Learning to prioritize your own needs as a mom is vital, but also tough to balance with the ever growing and changing needs of children, especially adolescents.

Technology and driving are big topics right now, whether we like it or not. In my teeter-tottering around how long the leash should be this week, rules, expectations and consequences crowd my conversations and I forget too often to just witness who he is today. So much of our interactions are data-based - Where is this? What did he say? When are you going to finish? Data and knowing facts about someone doesn’t actually ensure a true knowing or relationship with them. I’ve sat through countless conversations where how I felt about something was never something anyone wanted to know, but I had been mined for data, that’s for sure.

I had the luxury of a day at home by myself - husband at work, kids at grandparents - and I contemplated what it might feel like when all of my kids are out of my house. With the 7 year age difference between my oldest and youngest, who knows what life will look like along the way, but I sat in the silence anyway, just to see what it would feel like. And the most prevailing thought that I had was how much I want them to feel seen before they launch. Deadlines and chores all need attention, but if I miss who they are becoming, what is it all for? I pray their picture of God is more than some house manager barking out expectations but is that all I give them some days? Sometimes I get so annoyed with how my brain tries to anticipate all the things, but today I was thankful. My kids aren’t grown yet and still in my house for a few more years at least. Lord willing, we still have time to enjoy life together and witness the becoming we’re all doing.

Starting over is one of the most exhilarating and exhausting things to do. A blank page can feel so freeing one moment and then paralyzing the next. When we moved last year, there were a lot of starting over elements to our life that brought a steady flow of exhilaration and paralysis - New decisions to make, fresh canvas to paint on, entirely different directions for our family.

When my kids were little and I was only dreaming of robust homeschooling, it was common to hear about keeping a slow pace and not overbooking your schedule. As a person with ADHD who struggles to keep up with life, that slow kind of life felt appealing and right. And for a long time - the majority of my children’s lives - I’ve been unwilling to give up all that margin we had built into our days. Like a hawk protecting her nest, I ensured we never felt too crowded for too long. Like most things though, I slid so far in one direction that a stiff overcorrection was in order. Down time and margin is absolutely vital to balance, but we had had it in spades for a long time. After 2020, we even had the luxury of Mr. Butler home full time for the next 4 years and 3 days a week the following year. We had a lot of margin, but margin alone doesn’t fix everything.

In the last 5 years, adolescence had made its claim in one child, looming for the next and the baby was no more in our youngest. The struggles were complex and the fights could be many some weeks, enough to make you let things go out of weariness. In walks all those changes I mentioned, a key one being an unexpected change in our schedule. The homeschool co-op we are a part of unexpectedly had no place to meet and after 2 months of searching, the only good choice was to move our meeting day from Fridays to Thursdays. That one change, that was entirely out of our control, opened up a new direction for our family.

That one change created an avalanche of shifts that we’re still feeling the effects of today. If Fridays were free, then that volleyball league my son had always wanted to try out just might work. Then my daughter thought she wanted to try volleyball too. So, on top of learning new routines in a new house, our weekly schedule got turned on its head, making actual time for school work and direct instruction isolated to specific days and times. That margin I had worked so hard to protect was now so very thin. And that all felt very scary to me. It seemed to be going in a direction I had always been against, on principle at least. Yet, everyone else was on board and excited! So, we dove in.

That was 9 months ago. Now that we are ending volleyball season and spring semester of school, I can tell you how it went. The oldest two loved volleyball and thrived in the sport. Our schedule was busier, but having to be on the other side of town for practices sometimes twice a week allowed for Costco runs, library trips and homework at Panera sessions. The scary down side was that we didn’t get as much school done. When May hit, all 3 were behind in some or all things. I knew that was going to be the case by Christmas, but there was no going back by then. And that might sound like a failure or bad priorities to some. 5 years ago, I might have agreed with that because that version of me hadn’t had to deal with apathy and adolescence yet. Self motivation was not something we could even talk about, much less start mastering in our house. I love when everything fits into its own box ever so neatly, but life is rarely that way. The skill to sacrifice time for something we love and then work extra hard at a separate time to make up for it is a life skill. Going to college, fixing an appliance, being a mom, the list continues of the things that require you to sacrifice time for a desired outcome. Since our out of the house obligations slowed or stopped in May, we’ve been spending full days attempting to get caught up on school. If things going right, we’ll finish up by the second week of June.

The youngest’s reading skills have taken off, the middle’s emotional regulation has come a long way, and the oldest has found some passion while also wrestling with time management and trade offs in a healthy way. I don’t know what I thought these changes would look like, but it certainly wasn’t this. I’m not trying to say a tight schedule is the only way to achieve these results. I just think it was a providential moment that forced my hand where I never would have on my own. As we head into high school with my oldest, I am incredibly thankful for the sweet spot we started learning to live in this past year.

One of the worst feelings is to look around and realize what a mess you've made of things.  Seeing the ways you allowed or caused the problem at hand and not seeing a clear way to fix it, that is just the worst. Today I watched a video encouraging those with ADHD about the boring daily tasks (we HATE those) and how they actually lead to big picture changes (our favorite).  It's been over a year since I sat in puddles of tears over many things, in particular over how I was moving through the world in unhealthy ways, and teaching my children to do the same.  Balancing What's Mine and Yours was a tall order.  In the time since then, we have dealt with a lot - lots of changes, lots of emotions, lots of healing, lots of growth.  When something in the body isn't as it should be, all kinds of problems pop up all over the place.  The emotional state of our family was complicated and thus just getting through the day without a huge meltdown was impossible some days.   

Fast forward to today, a Saturday with nowhere we had to be.  A few really significant things happened. 

 -Last night, I communicated an expectation about when and how any screen time would happen today. 

This is significant because it is ultimately my responsibility how the day goes, especially if I have strong opinions (which I usually do). 

-When any child complained about the details of said expectation, I consistently held the same position I communicated last night without any reactions or overreactions.   

This has been a struggle for me because my codependent leanings would require everyone to be happy in order for me to be okay.  That's no way to be a successful parent. 

-While there were some strong emotions and a few unacceptable behaviors, I didn't change the expectations and everyone eventually complied with grace.  The behaviors were corrected on their own pretty quickly. 

When people get worked up and start acting out, that's often been where I shut down and just want it to go away.  Being able to hold the course in the face of harsh actions is a big deal for me. 

-All 3 of my children practiced volleyball skills together in the living room happily for about 20 minutes. 

That is sum of the fruit of the last year.  It doesn't mean they never fight or will never again. It doesn't mean all emotions are perfectly regulated.  It doesn't even mean our work is done. It just means that the choices, the commitment and the changes we've made over the last year are making a difference.    

In any big mountain you have to climb, each little step makes a difference, but it doesn’t always feel like it does. It can easily feel like this was a bad idea, that the hard stuff will never end, and that success will never be yours. That’s what the hard climbs feel like. But the occasional glance backward at how far you’ve come can be just the boost you need to keep at it. Seeing my kids play together, learning from each other without criticizing or squabbling, taking turns and generally just being okay together was a beautiful thing. It was just the glimmer of hope that I needed to combat the hopeless feelings of hard places. Instead of giving up, the hope is just enough to trudge through the boring day to day in search of big picture changes! 

I thought that if my living room was decorated for fall, the harsh words wouldn’t sting so much. Maybe the feeling of failure would fade if the kids would just look the part. If I could just lose some of the weight, my brain promised that then I would feel valuable to the world around me. There is something instinctive about making sure others see what they want to see in you. We want to please the masses so they won’t judge us. We want to look the part so our friends will accept us. I’m not completely honest with those close to me for fear they won’t love that version of me. Long before we realize it, our life could be more made up than real.

Think of a time you were in an unfamiliar space. It is likely that at some point you said or did something to appear as though you were familiar when you weren’t. Like the wave at a ball game or holding your applause in between movements of a song at the symphony. If you had never been, you probably didn’t know what to expect, but part of you really didn’t want to appear like you didn’t know what you were doing. So you conform in some way. Social customs and polite conformity definitely impacts your relationships and influence. But somewhere in time we took on the idea that if something appears to fit or looks right, then it is or will be so. If I dress a certain way, then I must be that way. If I have all that society says I should, then I will be okay and good. No matter your principles or bars of success, we all have started to believe that if kids or parents don’t appear to fight (in public) then they must have good relationships. Haven’t we learned over the past 20 years that just because someone has nice things, a fancy car and a big house doesn’t necessarily mean they have enough money? And it certainly doesn’t mean they are happy. Yet, how many times have I hissed at my kids about something they were doing in public because I didn’t want people to think the situation was exactly what it was? My kids know how to behave in church but wouldn’t you know on the days they were up late, had loads of sugar or had a stressful day, they often struggle. I catch myself desperately trying to hide that they are kids whose bodies are struggling. How are we any different, trying to hide the disappointments and struggles for fear that others might see us exactly as we are?

There’s nothing wrong with trying to look and act your best for whatever situation you are in, but, like the Wizard behind the curtain, we’ve taken on hiding reality as some life or death scenario. Which ironically, when it starts going bad, can be a life or death scenario. When we hide so much of our feelings and realities, our life becomes more and more of a lie in those places. Self-control is not what we’re talking about here. When we shush or dismiss those with struggles and big feelings, we’re encouraging the facade. Some of the best relationship connections I’ve experienced have been from sharing and acknowledging the ugly truths.

Our school and activity schedule this semester has been sandwiched differently and we still aren’t fully adjusted to it. Tuesday-Thursday we are super busy with Monday and Friday open. That means by the time Friday comes, chores are probably backed up. Last night I spent quite a while really cleaning the kitchen because it had been neglected for several days. It was overwhelming and hard. Big cleaning jobs are really hard for my ADHD brain. If I had pretended it was fine, convinced myself no work was needed and even dressed it up with some kind of curtain or sheet so the mess wasn’t visible, nothing good would have come from that. It was still dirty and dirty things just get dirtier. What ever hardship or personal flaws we’re dealing with, they don’t get better or disappear because we pretend they aren’t there to impress the neighbors. Let’s do the work that needs to be done and pay much less attention to what it looks like to other people.

I’m learning to look for what things really are rather than what they might appear at first glance. In this age of forensic dramas and fake reality tv, we should know that people lie, manipulation is prevalent and nobody wants to be left out or judged. Wait to make judgements. Ask a person their experience before you assume. And quit spending more time on making sure others see an image (economic level, spiritual maturity, healthy relationships) than actually cultivating that image. I think its a bad habit we’ve all learned as a culture and now we need to grow out of it. Here’s to growth! ;)

A couple of months ago, we moved. It’s only 30 minutes away from where we were, but with 5 acres instead of 1, 5 bedrooms instead of 3 and more trees than grass, it is different living. And I am here for it! I was raised in the city and I’ve had many a friend moan about the ills of the outdoors, but I am convinced this country living is the only way for me to live. You could argue that we lived out in the country before, but it was in a neighborhood, right off the highway, and significantly fewer trees. After 8 1/2 years in the old house, we never felt the freedom to explore or be ourselves. An HOA and neighbors in a very different stage of life can do that to you. We never encountered scorpions, copperheads or poison ivy either, but we’re learning what we need to to be successful here.

The reasons we do certain things aren’t always clear, even to ourselves sometimes. The choices we make in life might be heavily influenced by people and ideas beyond our awareness. Just being an American vs any other nationality changes the way I approach life. My brain was always filtering certain things out before I even had a chance to consider them because it deemed them off limits. Sure, that can be a safe guard when all the illegal or dangerous solutions to a problem aren’t even considered. But what jobs to take, places to live, hobbies to pursue, relationships to maintain are all things that should be yours to choose. Along with expecting others to fill my needs, the last year or so has taught me how little I allowed myself to explore what I wanted or needed to be well. My brain filtered out a lot of things because of other people’s opinions, circumstances or needs that in most cases were not my business or responsibility. When I finally started thinking about what was healthy for me - and for my husband and kids - it was a very different life than I had been living. I have longed to live in the trees since before I was married. Nature has been something I’ve been drawn to for as long as I can remember. My kids are always more themselves after time spend outside. Many have asked why the moved, why now, why here? There have been many factors leading up to this decision, but to put it simply, we are trying to be well.

We are certainly out of any baby stage and instead we’re at the beginning of our teenage era! That brings entirely different needs and issues to the table. They say teenagers need their parents even more in adolescence and I believe my teenage boy (and my other two kids) need to spend time outside working with their hands more than ever, as well. When I might mention that we needed this move, I mean it in all the ways. Did you know that listening to birds - their chirping symphony in the morning especially - is good for your physical health? I’m sure you’ve been told that the more trees around you, the cleaner your air tends to be. Spending time outside and specifically morning sun means higher vitamin D levels which results in better immune function. I know I’m different than most people, but I think about the health of my grandchildren! The choices my kids make over the next 10 years will directly impact my (Lord willing) grandchildren’s viability and wellness. There are so many factors in our world that we cannot control, that might result in pain, disease or heartbreak. But if there were things that we know could improve those odds, why wouldn’t we invest in that? I’m finally getting to know myself enough to know that I absolutely would. Once I realized that, this move was a no brainer.

It’s quieter here in the people and cars department, but louder in the birds, frogs and bugs. Have you tried the Merlin bird app to see what’s visiting your trees? We love it! I’ve never lived in a place where fireflies show up every night now that it is summer! Have your kids ever tried (and probably failed) to grow a frog out of a tad pole? We’ve only been here a 6 weeks and we have tried and failed multiple times! :)
It’s safer for the soul, but requires more caution and guard with critters. We’ve also learned that the best way to kill a scorpion is to pierce it and that my daughter WILL scream louder than she’s ever screamed before when she finds it in her room. Our dog Scout is a wonderful watch dog, especially in the snake department. She was ready to take on the copperhead she came across and alerted us heartily, but Mr. Butler eliminated it for us. Did you know that copperheads don’t want to have anything to do with people and that if they bite you, you’re likely to get only a fraction of their venom? Still nothing to mess around with, but we quickly learned a whole lot to soothe everyone’s concerns. There’s nothing more boosting to the confidence and self-esteem than doing hard things because you have to. Despite nature’s bad guys getting in our business, there is much less stress found here. I’m convinced the trees are magic and just suck up all the stress. That’s what it feels like anyway.

Lots of trees or the outdoors may not be something you ever choose, by ability or desire. I’m rarely found on the side of majority anyway. Still, I’m pretty sure I’ll shout it from the rooftops until I can’t anymore that your body was made to go outside more than our modern life would suggest. Instead of an evening on the couch, head for the park for a walk. That vacation you’re about to spend loads of money on, add in a free local hike just for good measure. Got a kid struggling in all the things? Take them outside to explore and create!. Our mental health just might depend on it!

“I’m sorry for the way I treated you early in our marriage.”

He had finished up some work and I finally got to a stopping point with the kids’ school. As we laid down on the bed to decompress from it all, that was the first thing he said. We’ve been married for 17 years. I asked if he was referring to something specific, but he wasn’t. We both knew what didn’t go well early on. We have grown into completely different people since we began and there are so many things we could have done better.

“I’m sorry for all the ways I hindered us and got in the way of what we needed to be doing.” I said.

From the very beginning of our life together, he was offered a really cool job right out of college, but it was in San Antonio, TX. I had never lived anywhere but Oklahoma. There were a lot of reasons I gave him for not moving, but the only real one was my fear. I wish I wouldn’t have stood in his way like I did.

The apologies weren’t exactly necessary. Nothing can change the past and there are good things about where we are now. So why even mention it? Acknowledging the role you or I played in hard things is one of the most important things we can do in relationships. I know full well all the things he has had to struggle with and I also know how committed he is to me now. But the unprompted words he said validated the young bride who thought it was going to be different than it was. He didn’t really owe me that apology, but I left that moment feeling seen, understood and safe.

We don’t know what life would have looked like if we had moved to San Antonio when we first married. Apologizing for not moving isn’t really that significant, because of all we don’t know. He also chose not to move. Maybe the apology isn’t exactly necessary now, but acknowledging how I didn’t give space for his needs matters a whole lot. That impacts today. The destination of 17 years ago is irrelevant now, but the skills to listen and help him be heard directly impacts the quality of our days now.

It took me longer than I’d like to admit to realize and acknowledge that I’m bad at apologies. My brain likes to jump to excusing or explaining with an intent to move on as fast as possible. Over time what that really means is that I apologize as little as possible. Even when I take blame, responsibility and a whole lot of shame internally for what I perceive as wrong, speaking the words of apology and taking responsibility for my role out loud just didn’t happen very much. It is easy to dismiss the need to apologize because “they should already know.” And maybe they do. Saying it or at least acknowledging something about it is where healing wounds begins.

We often talk about what we would do different, if we could. There’s a lot of regret there. There’s also so much beauty in seeing the human ability to change over time. I don’t love the mistakes we made, but I’m starting to really love how much more beautiful today is in light of those mistakes.

Journaling has been my absolute favorite since I was old enough to keep a diary. I’ve filled many journals in my 44 years and left even more unfinished. The ADHD trait of unfinished projects is definitely one I am familiar with. Still, the need to process and track life’s events is something that brings joy and emotional clarity, even when I don’t complete them. In December of 2022, I ran across a picture on Instagram of someone’s embroidery journal and instantly fell in love! Now that I’m more conscious of my tendency to not finish projects, I immediately got anxious at the the thought of doing one myself because I would hate to not finish it. Not finishing brings with it a lot of shame and nobody needs to carry more of that around. So, I ruminated on the idea for a few weeks, still unsure if I would commit to something like this.

During this time, I was also growing more and more aware of my stress levels being too high and needing some better ways to cope. From an ADHD perspective, any kind of hobby that involves the hands is really great for using up extra mental and emotional energy. I’m not a seamstress by any means, but I’ve embroidered a few quilt blocks so I had a some leftover supplies. As 2023 was about to begin, the novelty of the idea sucked me into diving headlong into the project. I went to Walmart for some material, new colors of thread, and a larger hoop. I downloaded a blank template from Embroiderers’ Guild of America and copied it onto my material.

The purpose of any journal is to document events to varying degrees. For this embroidery journal, it still helped to write down things that happened or people’s birthdays I wanted to include. In my head, I imagined I would sit down regularly and draw or embroider in entries, but that happened only for a week or so. Real life included recording interesting things in the back of a notebook under the title of each month. I also imagined that I would do a lot of this work at home in the evenings. It actually was mostly done during church services or large social events. Having something to do with my hands helped my focus and listening attention increase drastically while also soothing excess emotional energy. A typical ADHD struggle is emotional regulation where emotions don’t come in small steady flows, but huge blasts of tsunami proportions. For me - and my daughter - keeping the hands busy helps to manually support that regulation. My daughter has learned to crochet over the last year and she has learned to bring it with her anytime she expects to be sitting for a while.

The experiment in all of this was whether or not I would actually finish it. Since I was really afraid I wouldn’t AND I wanted to prevent being discouraged that it wasn’t perfect, I told myself there were no rules. I could put whatever images I wanted that meant whatever I wanted them to mean. Some of them are obvious like fireworks in July or a pumpkin in October, but many of them you won’t know their meaning unless I explain it to you. I think those are my favorite. A friend was looking at the finished product and asked me what something meant and I had to think about it for a second. So, maybe writing up a key would be a good idea! The other aspect of not worrying about it being perfect came in the timing of it all. Truth be told, I finished half of September and all of October, November and December over the course of 5 days in December. Which, to the ADHD community, makes perfect sense! That deadline is often the last minute push we need to cover all the ground we could have gradually covered over the past several months if procrastination hadn’t reigned supreme yet again. Still, no rules except for the 2023 label meant that it didn’t really matter how and when as long it pertained to 2023.

Now that it’s a week into January, I can officially call the experiment a success! I completed all 12 months and I have already cut out and penciled in the months for a new one. What I will do with the completed journal is still up in the air. It could be turned into a pillow, put in a quilt or just tucked away in hiding, I guess. I’m leaning towards finding a great frame and putting it up on the wall somewhere. If I continue this, I might store the past years in a large scrapbook or journal, which feels redundant and ironic, but feels right just the same. Whatever the case, we’ll just wait and see. What would you do with it? I’d love to hear some alternative ideas!

As much as I might enjoy my kids on a really good day, I will still be thankful when bedtime comes. No matter how valuable and good something might be, breaks are still necessary. This year has given me a lot of things, but, boy, am I happy to put 2023 to bed.

Even though bedtime is about sleep, there are still a few things you have to do to get ready for it.

What Went Wrong

I have to admit some of the things I did wrong this year before I can march into the next with any hope of success. This year I really resisted change, even when I knew it was necessary and right. Just because something hurts doesn’t mean it should be avoided. It could actually be communicating what needs your attention the most. I also made a lot of assumptions this year. Turns out assumptions are wrong. A LOT. Especially mine. I spent more time assuming what other people were thinking or going to do than I did making sure my stuff was in order. When I was focusing on other people’s business, not only was I neglecting my own, but I also put a lot of stress on the people in my household. I think I regret that the most.

What I Learned

Reflecting on what you have learned is invaluable for moving on. Before 2023 there were some things I genuinely didn’t know or understand. One of the biggest ones is that no one is going to do the work for you or come in and save you from yourself. This year I discovered that I was carrying around a very immature thought that I had very little control over how or when my emotional needs were ever going to be met. It is like going to the store for ingredients for dinner. Upon arrival, if you find out they don’t have what you need, it would be foolish to just wait there expecting more to show up. No, you go to another store who does have it. 2023 has taught me how to let go of circumstances that do not feed my soul and seek out those that do. I’ve learned what codependency is, how it has shaped a lifetime of choices, how to start recovering and ultimately look for the person God intended me to be. My parenting skills have been challenged by all of this too, which ultimately has brought me more awareness and hopefully a greater capacity to teach my kids things I am only just now learning. That is a huge blessing.

What I’m Proud Of

For years, I have been a very emotional and reactionary person. I would try and intend not to, but I always seemed to be taken by surprise when the surge of feelings showed up. This year, I was still far more than I was explosive. There were still reactions and such, it just trended down over the year. I can’t begin to explain how proud I am of that. It might be a chicken and egg situation, but this year a few of my chronic ADHD symptoms have begun to improve. Especially the last couple of months, my executive functioning capacity has increased. That means that my ability to make decisions and determine priorities has been easier or lasted longer than before. This is probably one of those invisible hardships that people without ADHD don’t see or fully understand. It might seem silly to say out loud, but increasing my endurance where executive functioning is concerned is probably one of my biggest accomplishments of my year.

There was a lot of 2023 that I just didn’t like. It was lonely, unexpected and painful a lot of days. But you know what? Today, the last day of the year, I can say with the most sincere heart that I am so grateful for 2023. It has answered so many prayers in this single year. The peace and calm that it has brought is worth all the pain. So, my heart is full as we put 2023 to bed. I have no idea what kind of year we’ll wake up to tomorrow, but I’m more prepared for it than ever before.

"Dad, she's not listening. She's mad about something."

Before my husband had even looked up at me, he had started talking extensively about something, completely unaware of where my head was at. My 13 year old son hadn’t missed a beat on what was going on with me though. The fact that he picked up on it so quickly, without me saying a word reminded me how powerful unspoken things can be. When we live with each other day in and day out, our body notices things that our consciousness may never realize. One of the things I’ve learned this year is how much my sensitivity - to people’s moods, situations, all the details a brain can carry - was the result of my body trying to ensure emotional security and eliminate any danger or threat. The confusion that ensues is when you need other people’s emotions to be managed in order for you to feel okay. It can feel like other people’s emotion or state of mind is controlling you. That’s unhealthy, like adrenaline over time.

At bedtime, he asked me if I could rub his feet and I said I would.  He hadn't been feeling well and it usually seemed to help.  After I told his brother goodnight and started to sit at his feet, I sighed.  I was tired and in the most stereotypical motherly way, my heart just wanted everyone to be well and okay.  He immediately said, " If it's too much,  you don't have to work on me."  I laughed.  I can't even sigh out of love without being eagle-eyed. But that is what he’s learned.

"I told you I would work on you.  If it was too much, trust me to tell you that it is." I smiled and tried to assure him, but I understood his fear.  I'm still learning how to be honest with those around me about when I'm okay to help and when I'm not.  I tried to concisely remind him that it was my job as an adult to communicate my needs and limitations and it was his job to believe that I meant it. 

"Do you think you could put that cream on too or is that too much?"  He was honestly trying to differentiate where his needs could be and where my needs were supposed to be.  Something I was ashamed that he had to question, but knew it had taken me 40 years to understand that myself.

"Of course! There's nothing wrong with that.  I need the reminder sometimes.  Especially if it makes you feel better."

The last thing I want is for my children - or anyone else for that matter - to feel so controlled or handcuffed by my emotion or state of mind that they don't feel like they can communicate their needs at any point.  And now that I've unknowingly created these dynamics, I feel panicked to fix them.  That's part of the reason I write about it.  It's painful to see traits I've lived with, thinking they were entirely something else, now acted out in front of me in my family.  We never want to feel the blame of something like that, but to deny our part is beyond foolish.  So, I write and process and look for paths through it all.

As long as we are alive, we still have hope, just as a live dog is better off than a dead lion.

Ecclesiastes 9:4

It can be a heavy weight, knowing that you’ve taught someone something that isn’t good or right. It’s even heavier to want to change it and just not know how most days. Old habits die hard, as they say. The good news, I’m told, is that simply by acknowledging the issue, you are changing the direction of the problem towards healthier things. We can’t go back to the past and undo the mistakes. I’m hoping I can teach my kids skills that I didn’t have that can help them navigate what is and what will be in their lives.

There is a beautiful balance where others know you well enough to sense some of your feelings, but also you feel safe enough to share the depth of your experience with them. In a healthy, perfect community everyone could experience space set aside for themselves when it is needed. Maybe you are blessed with that in your life. I hope so. Right now, that is what I desperately want for my little family, but we aren’t there yet. Maybe that is what 2024 is for.

Change and new things really aren’t my favorite, but as this year has proven, I do better when I lean into them rather than resist. So when Mr. Butler excitedly started looking into Trail Life and American Heritage Girls as a possibility for us to explore last summer, I didn’t bat an eye. By September, he was ready to sign everyone up and give it a go for the year. If you’re not familiar with these two organizations, they are much like boys and girl scouts with a Christian focus, complete with campouts, earning badges and community service. Even though our schedule was already pretty full with co-op, choir, and sports, we had Tuesday nights mostly open (Zoey had to cut a soccer practice a little short) and both groups met on the same night at the same place. 5 or 6 years ago I would have never believed that my little family could handle all these things or better yet, thrive in them, but as it turns out, there really are different seasons for different paces.

As of this writing, we’ve been involved in these groups for one semester only, which gives us only so much experience. Still, here is an overview of what we experienced. Beginning in September there were weekly meetings where uniforms are typically expected. The whole troop would come together during the evening (AHG at the beginning and TL at the end) and also break into their respective age groups. My 13 year old son is a Navigator, my 6 year old son is Fox and my 10 year old daughter is an Explorer. During their group time they learn and participate in activities that go towards badges they can learn. Throughout the semester, there were service and fundraising opportunities that we participated in, including a flag retirement ceremony during a campout. Many of these events earned badges as well.

Each kid has had a unique experience that has been just what they needed. Rory gets the chance to explore all kinds of outdoor things with regular reminders that God made it all possible. Not that he needed it much, but it’s certainly boosted his confidence and independence. Zoey should be receiving an Aviation badge, a Soccer Pin, a Physical Fitness badge and a couple of event badges for this semester’s work. She’s making friends, but also being motivated to dive deeper into certain things in light of our identity in Christ. Jude has probably benefited the most, simply because of his age. His age group camps a lot and is working on a badge that requires a lot out of him. It’s been really positive for people - especially men - to have expectations for him beyond just his dad and me.

The double-edged sword of homeschooling is that you as the parent/teacher are in charge of everything. You get to decide how the learning happens, which is kind of the whole point, but it can be overwhelming and exhausting when you feel alone in it all. Doing other things - like joining a co-op, sports, and now this - really does diversify the people in your child’s life AND helps lighten the burden of responsibility to all the things. After 8 years or so of homeschooling, I’m still learning a lot of lessons. I’ve seen in real time WHY we choose this path. We get to walk down all the new paths together. I also have grown more familiar with all of my limitations. I just can’t do it all and I never should have thought that I could. Expanding the opportunities my kids have to learn from a variety of people in a variety of circumstances has been a huge blessing to me and my kids. From an ADHD perspective, which seems to be a factor for all of my kids, the structure of badge requirements and built-in opportunities to fill said-requirements helps set us up to succeed on several levels. Because it doesn’t always come naturally to me or brains like mine, I am learning to value organization and structure more than ever. As the semester is coming to an end, I can honestly say our Trail Life and American Heritage Girls experience was a success and we plan to continue!

"It's not your job!" I said for what felt like the tenth time that day.

"But it feels like it is!" he said with the threat of tears in his already lowering 12 year old voice. 

We had been arguing more and more about when it was his job to tell his siblings what to do and when he took it too far.  In that moment, my breath left me and I knew what he meant.  I had lived with that feeling my whole life.  So many times it felt like it must be my job to instruct, correct, guide, lead, and ultimately take responsibility for everyone else.  Not necessarily because I wanted the job, but because it felt like it was my job - it felt like no one else would.  Or sometimes it felt like I was expected to because I was able to.  Whatever the reason, I never got the message that much of what other people did was not my responsibility and often none of my business.  I never should have carried the weight of the world, especially not for that long.  As I heard my son sum up my whole life with that one reactive response, I knew there were some things that had to change in my parenting.

All my life I picked up all the rocks that others were dropping in an attempt to help.  It seemed like the right thing to do.  Those rocks were left in my path and I kept tripping over them anyway.  What I didn't realize was how much responsibility I was taking away from the people who dropped the rocks.  As I was developing, it never occurred to me that I was teaching the world to give me their rocks and silently hoping they would come back for them, but unaware I could put them down.  Fast forward to parenthood and I had instinctively begun to teach my son that picking up other people’s rocks - like his siblings or his parents - was his job too. That’s a lesson I never would have given him intentionally, but so much of life is lived out absent of true understanding. Since that day, we’ve been slowly walking back from blame, responsibility and assumptions that weren’t said but heavily communicated by my own emotional turmoil and habits.

This year has been a long lesson in regulating my own emotions instead of expecting the world around me to do it for me. My body has been screaming at me for a while that the continual stress I experienced was not good for me. I could change my circumstances, but the turmoil I felt inside didn’t seem to change that much. The problem wasn’t the stress, it was me. Seeing the immense (and unfair) pressure I was unknowingly putting on my son to pick up the slack when I couldn’t cope like an adult convicted me all the more.

So, I’ve been spending more time reassuring my kids when my emotion is and, more importantly, is not about them or their responsibility to fix. I hate that it has taken me so long to realize what was happening. We talk about individual roles and responsibilities in ways I’m still wrapping my head around. It feels embarrassing to be struggling with something I’m trying to model for my teenager. And yet, that seems to be what parenthood is like a lot. Ready or not, here we go kind of days.

He picked me. He picked me in the beginning, but then he’s continued to over and over again. Lots of times when I didn’t really deserve it. He makes me laugh so much. As an engineering guy, his logic didn’t always know what to do with my colorful approach to life, but when I broke it, he tried his best to fix it. When I lost it, he would probably replace it. When I bite off more than I can chew, he helps me carry it. When I hurt his feelings, he (eventually) forgives me. When I’m stressed, he takes me on walks to talk about it. He gives me breaks, cooks almost half the time and takes willingly takes the kids on errands. He loves those kids and takes being their dad very seriously. He always looks at scripture in ways I would never have considered. When I’m driving and getting anxious - in the rain or a game of Mario Kart - he reminds me to look further down the road to see where the white lines are heading rather than getting hung up on what’s directly in front of me. When I dream, he tells me why it will never work, and then suggests something more achievable that’s usually better anyway.

He works really, really hard and most of the time isn’t quite sure he’s getting it right. His job is pretty demanding right now. He’s coaching a soccer and a volleyball team this season. He’s teaching a PE class at our co-op this semester. He plays games and makes art with our kids. He sits and talks stuff out when a kid (or two) isn’t getting it. And sometimes, he worries if any of it matters.

“What’s a soul mate?”

“It's uh... Well, it's like a best friend but more. It's the one person in the world that knows you better than anyone else. It's someone who makes you a better person. Actually, they don't make you a better person, you do that yourself - because they inspire you. A soulmate is someone who you carry with you forever. It's the one person who knew you and accepted you and believed in you before anyone else did, or when no one else would. And no matter what happens, you will always love them. Nothing can ever change that.”
― Dawson Leery

While the whole soul mate idea may be debatable at best, the description in that quote hit me different. In our early years, I had a regular fear of him dying before we ever had kids. My young mind was afraid I would forget my life with him, but if we had kids that somehow I would have something to remember him with. It’s a silly, overactive mind that concocted that, but I understand now how he will be with me forever, no matter the future. We’ve been together long enough and been through enough hard stuff that if I ever have to live without him, his imprint on me is permanent. Our friendship, his encouragement, the commitment he makes daily to the life we’re trying to build is a gift from God that I haven’t really understood before this year.

So, Happy Birthday, Mr. Butler. It all matters more than you know.

We’re a few weeks into new habits and new curriculum and hanging out in the gap right before co-op, sports and various activities start up again. This year J is in the 7th grade with an actively lowering voice, feet almost as big as his dad’s and trying to master time management and independent work. Miss Z is in the 5th grade with fresh piano skills coming along, a great eye for drawing and those beautiful curls still bouncing! The Racecar is in the 1st grade with an industrial size creative streak that sort of tolerates my interruptions of schoolwork, a growing desire to entertain us and a new best friend in our dog, Scout. As parents, we often lump the three of them into ‘the kids’ category, but it is good for me to remember that they are 3 unique humans with different strengths, struggles and lives to lead.

They are all doing well overall, but I think this will be the year that we lean into ADHD processes and solutions as a family. With Miss Z and I taking up the limelight in this category, the boys have gone overlooked when it comes to the speed of their brains. The brain differences of ADHD present themselves differently in boys and girls so if you’re only looking for one specific type of child, it’s easy to miss the rest. Looking at my kids through an ADHD lens doesn’t ultimately justify bad behavior or do away with standards. Instead it helps parent and child understand the child’s brain in order to equip it with better tools to address the real problem. Did you know that lying is a common ADHD symptom that results in the brain trying to cope with stress and avoid more trouble? Did you know that impulsivity and forgetfulness can create really sticky situations for kids that find it easier to lie to avoid making the issue worse? It doesn’t justify lying, but if I understand what might be going on, we can work together to solve the real problem. Otherwise, it often turns into a stand-off of punishments and parental frustrations that want to escalate. So, focusing on the uniqueness of all of their brains is the goal for now.

Since J started Kindergarten we have used My Father’s World for the bulk of our history, Bible and science curriculum and the Racecar just finished Kindergarten. Even in the curriculum I feel like we’re in a new place. This year we are studying Exploration to 1850 (American History) and attempting to memorize the entire book of James. I’m excited about the American History, but the memorization is a bit daunting - parents are encouraged to do it too of course. So, we’ll see how it goes! J is trying out volleyball at the Y for a change and the other two are continuing in soccer. With co-op and choir, we keep busy. We also are attempting to try out Trail Life and Heritage Girls. We’ve heard good things so as long as it doesn’t put a strain on our schedule, we’re optimistic. The legitimate debate about how much extra-curricular is too much is a fine line. I never realized how tricky it becomes when you have a full spread of ages. How much different is my youngest’s life than my oldest when he was that age because of how much we did or didn’t do outside of the house? For better or worse? I don’t have a lot of answers, but checking in with each person in the family to see how they’re doing regularly seems like a great place to start. Are they struggling with important things? Do they have time for important things, relationships? If there is too much stress, it’s worth considering what can be left off this year. But it isn’t an exact science and every kid is different. :)

I would like to say being your child’s teacher is easy and wonderful, but that’s not a reasonable thing to say ever. Being the decision maker for a lot of things is a lot of work and pressure. That’s the reason many parents never consider homeschooling. Either they don’t feel capable or don’t want to the responsibility because it is a big job. That being said, I love being able to see the progression of all of my children from non-readers singing their ABC’s to readers who comprehend and laugh at a joke in something they just read. I’m thankful to discuss whether or not Christopher Columbus discovered America, whether there should be a holiday in his honor and what that means for us today. I get to do stuff like that all the time. I’m incredibly thankful for the freedom in Oklahoma, but also the hard work of Mr. Butler who makes sure I can stay home at all. This year I am focusing more on organization in preparation for J moving to high school in a few years and being more thankful because the wonder of learning is definitely growing older in our house. I want to enjoy it more before it develops into other kinds of wonderful things. I mean my oldest man-child was moved to the high school choir and can’t participate in the youth honor choir activities because his voice is officially changing!?! Ready or not, here we go!

While my kids are attempting to learn their slated things each year, mom ends up with her own education too, like it or not. As we head into September, I’m trying to learn how to take the time and space that I need to better manage my stress and mental health. And I’ll be honest, that is a hard thing. We don’t usually realize how bad we need some kind of break or space until it is too late. Most moms will tell you that when we feel handcuffed between needing to take care of ourselves (shower, exercise, write, plan, etc.) but feeling like the price of sacrifice is too high. It FEELS like someone else’s needs will have to be neglected in some way and then mom ultimately has to pay the price eventually anyway. My education this year is to learn how to do it all differently. If I want my children to ask for what they need to live a healthy, balanced life, then I must learn to demonstrate that for them.

So, there we are in a nutshell! The decision to homeschool is multi-faceted, but today I’m really thankful for the time I have with my kids.

Around here, the end of summer break is usually in the middle of August. Even though we homeschool, most of our extra-curricular activities follow a version of that schedule too. And to say that summer is over feels incredibly bizarre for lots of reasons. The first being that it is incredibly hot here in Oklahoma. Today it dipped into the low 90’s and it felt amazing! By the end of next week its supposed to be back around 100 degrees. So as for the seasons of the year, summer is definitely still in full swing. Daylight is another one. I’m writing this at 8:30pm and I could take a walk around the pond and still get home before the sun sets. We complain about the heat or being out of routine, but the world getting dark at 5:30 shoves our heads into depression sometimes, doesn’t it? This beautiful daylight regenerates my soul, even as it’s almost out of view. Maybe it’s the ages of my kids, maybe it’s a different life perspective running through my veins this year, but I am really resistant to rushing through things this year.

Our busy culture tempts us to avoid or rush past life in the name of getting somewhere else, but what if I want to stay right here for as long as I’m allowed? I’m looking forward to fall and winter for all the comfort they bring, but there is good right here. There is good right here that might be gone soon and I guess I’m ready to accept that reality instead of avoid it. Accept it and face it accordingly. When my son’s moods fluctuate as much as his adolescent voice or the dog gets out for the 15th time chasing the guy on the bike down the street, I know there is good there and I’m ready to see it. My children are healthy enough to push into their next stage of development. That is something to celebrate. I have a smart, beautiful and good natured dog that has brought us so much joy this year. She is a great blessing. Maybe the cyclist didn’t feel blessed by her today, but who knows? I just want to live in it more. Maybe it’s mindfulness or engagement or just not going through life in a stupor of fear or reaction. Whatever it is, I’m trying to soak it in before this summer really ends.

There is so much about fall that I love, but honestly, we get cheated more often than not with a week of fall and then blasted with winter, while having been in tank tops 2 weeks before. I really don’t want to cheat myself out of the good right here by getting hung up on things that don’t matter as much. One of my favorite spots to write, think or just be right now is my front porch where a cozy corner waits for me with a bench and a big windchime (that I got when Costco marked it way down). I want the joy I get from spending time out there not be voided out because of the messes that I will find inside the house. It will sometimes, but it’s not good for me to live there.

Whenever your summer really ends, I hope you feel filled up. It’s not all perfect and a lot of it might be really hard. The sun can burn our skin if we’re not careful, but staying inside like a vampire is no way to live. The thorns and stickers that might hurt us should never block out the beauty of the waves on the ocean or the wildflowers in the meadow. Let’s soak all the beauty in until we’re all filled up.

One day in early November, I was taking a shower and Randy cracked the door, quickly saying, “We don’t have to talk about it now but what would you think about us fostering dogs?” The suggestion was almost as surprising as the manner in which it was suggested, but, if you know my husband, you know he rarely does anything he hasn’t already thought about at length. By the Sunday after Thanksgiving, we were picking up a very cute 5 month old puppy. As busy as we can be with church, homeschooling, sports, choir and co-op commitments, it might seem like this was a rash decision that we would soon come to regret. However, it is now mid-January and we are seeing the many fruits of this choice still unfolding.

A little history…

We are animal people to begin with. Less than a year after we got married in 2006, we had gotten 2 dogs that we loved until they died at ages 10 and 14. The 14 year old passed away last February and I’ve been mourning not having an animal in the house, but also not sure I was ready to commit to another one. They bring me a lot of comfort and the 10 year old, Grace. was my dog that had such an emotional temperament. All I really want is another one like her, which Randy knows and he quickly warmed up to fostering as a way to have animals in the house while still looking for the dog I want.

Benefit #1: You get time to shop around for what kind of animal would work best in your house. With any official fostering programs, you always have a choice to say no to any animal, have choices as to gender, age and breed, to limit the time you can foster the animal, to go on a vacation, or take a break from fostering. If you are unsure about fostering or unsure about what animal your family really needs or wants, this is an ideal trial program.

Why would we add this to our already full plate?

It is true that we lead a full and busy life, but one of the bigger frustrations that I have is that I am a mom with ADHD to kids that share a variety of ADHD symptoms. Discipline and structure doesn’t always come naturally to any of us and it has grown more and more apparent that they needed to be more independently disciplined with their chores and schoolwork. The busier we are, the less of me there is to go around and it grew clear that everyone was waiting for me to push them. A little tip for dealing with anyone with ADHD is that they like things that are new or novel. New supplies, new setup, new obsession, new DOG, anything new increases the dopamine they are inherently low in and helps the internal motivation to increase. Fostering animals with the idea that our house is a temporary spot for them to recover, put on weight, gain some training and prepare them for finding a good permanent fit teaches kids (and adults) a lot of compassion, patience, dog training and commitment to something outside of themselves.

Benefit #2: Fostering an animal gives your family an opportunity to learn skills of service through the novelty of a new animal. As a homeschooling family, it’s my job to give my kids a well-rounded education. Besides our Christian values imploring us to serve, I feel like it is important for them to be willing and able to serve others regularly and not just be satisfied to receive. This is a small way that they are learning that the world is bigger than themselves and when given resources, they should use it to help others whenever possible.

But what if I don’t want an animal?

Not everyone is setup for animals, that’s true. Allergies might be holding you back and that can be really disappointing. Still, some people think they don’t want an animal, but have never really given it a chance. If that is you, I think you don’t know what you are missing. Animals can be work, they require a little bit of money, and most need some training, but they give you more than they take most of the time. The comfort of an animal that sits at your feet, begs to play or simply follows you around to clean up the crumbs your kids drop is simply one of the comforts of home to me. Do you know what I missed the most after my dogs died? Having a good cry in my closet with a too-big-for-my-lap dog in my lap. Trust me, I’ll be the first person to say not all dogs are created equal. Finding one that suits you can take time, but once you do, it will quickly feel like they’ve always been there.

Benefit #3: Animals, while not the same as humans, provide comfort, purpose and joy to the family who owns them. If you have children in your house, they deserve an animal to care for at some point. If you struggle with loneliness, you deserve the comfort of a constant companion. Need a good listener that won’t interrupt or give bad advice? Animals are notorious for not talking very much!

How can you handle giving up an animal after a short time?

I think it’s all in your mindset from the start. In a very real sense, you are doing this animal a big favor by keeping it out of the elements, providing a safe space without 50 others competing for attention and teaching it some manners. Fostering usually happens when animals are about to be put down due to lack of space. You are saving it’s life. So in a sense, you have already done so much for this animal. By eventually sending it to a permanent home, you are providing that same salvation to another animal. We are enjoying our current foster dog, but we are also looking forward to whoever we might get next. Female puppies are our preference and always bring a level of cuteness in the beginning. So, whatever attachment we feel for a foster we find a home for will be replaced be the exciting newness of the next one.

Just like every kid is different, animals come in all sizes and personalities, but if we let them, they always teach us lessons about the world that are worth learning. And if we aren’t willing to learn and grow, how are we living the life God intends for us? If you are wanting more information about fostering in your area, look up your local animal shelter and they will get you in touch with the right people. We have adopted from and are now fostering through Pets and People Humane Society. They are also a great place to donate in supplies or financially because of all the work they do.

I spent years dreaming about being a wife and mother, but I never imagined homeschooling being a part of my life. It wasn’t something I had ever really been exposed to or had thoughts about at all. My oldest is 12 and I started planning to homeschool him probably as soon as he was born. I had been sitting in college classrooms and listening to all the struggles classroom teachers were having with the current public school model and government framework. What was best for the individual child seemed continually at odds with what was practical, feasible and quantifiable in the classroom. I had been to school and college and I knew how to learn and to teach so why couldn’t I share that with my son? Of course, I would eventually learn about the hills and valleys of homeschooling but the bottom line stayed the same, especially in this internet age. Whatever I don’t know, I have resources regularly at my fingertips to begin educating me on it.

Now that we’ve been living this homeschooling lifestyle for over a decade, I have no regrets about the choice to homeschool. There are details I would change if I could and lessons I wish I had learned sooner, but I am so thankful for all the time I get to be a witness to my children’s growth. But does that mean we will always homeschool? Not necessarily. Does that mean they would fail miserably in another environment? Nope. Does that mean I believe that anyone who doesn’t homeschool is wrong? Of course not! Am I mad when other people make different choices than me? What? How does that even work? You can’t see it but I’m rolling my eyes at all of these questions! They are silly, but I’ve gotten a version of all of them before.

There will always be debates about the choices people make and arguments for or against, but I suspect that for the most part everyone just wants to feel confident in their own choice. A 1 bedroom apartment seems great until your friend upgrades to a penthouse. Eating dinner at the local diner seems fine until you hear about friends’ fine dining at a fancy steakhouse. Your nicest dress seems great until you see that fashion icon friend who can pull off anything and makes you feel frumpy. We often get sucked into comparison or validation-seeking behavior in all aspects of life, but especially when it comes to our parenting choices. How you educate your kids (public, private, or homeschool) just might be a huge stumbling block, but don’t forget that in each category are dozens of subcategories. The moment you choose a private school, there will be judgements made about it compared to the other one down the road. I always felt pretty judged for my (public) high school because we were inner-city and underfunded. You think homeschoolers just agree on everything and become inhuman once they make the jump? There are dozens of homeschooling styles, curriculum options and entirely different approaches to co-ops. No matter what you choose, you could feel judged by some for it. So, if you are making your education choices in hopes of being the least judged, good luck! There is judgement everywhere! Once you make peace with that, life gets a little simpler, I think.

If there is one thing I have learned and grown in conviction for over the last ten years it’s that when parents are able in body and mind and engaged in their kids lives, there is no better advocate in the world. No matter the educational choices, families can make or break the direction a child goes. I am thankful that homeschooling is an option for us, but don’t misunderstand me. There are homeschool kids that fail. There are private school kids that make horrible choices in their life. There are public school kids that are a menace to society. And in all of them, there are also wonderful, wonderful outcomes.

Never let yourself believe that one method is 100% right or wrong in all situations, because it isn’t true. There are competing factors that will always vary from kid to kid and family to family. Many private schools are out of our budget, but so are a lot of the co-ops in our area. Some students do not thrive in public or most private classrooms because of learning issues, but thrive in homeschool settings. Never believe that you would never adjust your choice if circumstances changed either. The resources we have or the needs of our children can change in a moment. Single parent households might be limited with time outside of work making homeschooling challenging at best. Parent health issues can change what’s possible. Whenever you feel judged for a choice or a heated discussion arises on the topic, remember that the most important thing is that our children get what they need and you have the best seat in the house to see what that is, especially if it changes.

I am an advocate of homeschooling, especially because historically there has been so much pushback against it. I’m living in it and seeing the beauty, value and success it is bringing my family. That’s why I write about it a lot. Still, I’m a mother first. Mothers look for what’s best for their kids and family, even if it doesn’t look like what others think it should. If you want to chat about homeschooling, I’m ready for it! But more importantly I want parents to feel encouraged to make whatever decisions are best for their kids’ and family’s needs. The world will be arguing about what that is until Jesus comes back so in the meantime, ignore them, decide what your family needs and love your people.

One of the many gifts homeschooling has given my family is the love of reading so any new book is exciting in our house. The joy of discovering a new book that you turn out to love is only surpassed by also learning that it belongs to a series with at least 6 other books! As a chapter is closing in the Homeschool Review Crew and this being my final review for them, it is appropriate that it is a book review. My children have grown up with exciting adventures waiting for them in the mail every so often for reviews and Quest for the King's Crown from Focus on the Family closes out our time in the same fashion.

What We Received:

We received Quest for the King’s Crown, Book #7 in the Last Chance Detectives Book Series in a paperback form and a pdf file emailed to us. The book is 25 chapters long and 144 pages.

What It’s About:

The Last Chance Detectives series chronicles 4 kids, Mike, Winnie, Ben, and Spence and their adventures. In Quest for the King’s Crown they race to find an artifact that claims to be Jesus’ crown of thorns. Through some plot twists and people turning out to not be who they claim to be, the kids make their way through clues and signs of what is really going on. In past books, one of the kids had discovered the plane his father was known to have died flying and the end of this book proves to be an exciting cliff-hanger.

What We Thought:

My 9 year old daughter read this book and loved it! She loves adventures and mysteries, which Quest for the Crown is both. When I asked her all about it, she was especially excited to tell me how the thief, who you don’t know is the thief at first, disguised himself with prosthetic limbs making him appear much larger than he actually was. She thought that was hilarious! :) I asked her to compare it to other books she had read, it was clear that it definitely comes from a Biblical worldview and supports the Christian lifestyle in mentioning Bible studies, faith and of course historical events around Jesus. She immediately asked to have the other books in the series put on her Christmas wish list, so definitely daughter approved! After a recent visit this summer to Focus on the Family headquarters in Colorado and discovering several books they have available, I’ve grown very fond of so much of what they do and stand for. They have a large number of books and series that my kids are thriving on and I am so grateful for that. Praying they continue to be successful!

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Wondering what other families thought about this book? Check out the other reviews through the link below.

My oldest child turned 12 this week and my youngest is 5. We have officially moved out of the baby years in our household. There are many blessings to that, but I do miss those toddler voices. We are incredibly blessed to be living in a time where audio and video recording even exist. What I wouldn’t give to have recordings of my grandparents and the stories they would have told. The product I’m reviewing today, The Voice Library - Audio Book Creator from The Voice Library, is something every family could find beautiful uses in preserving those little voices or epic memories for posterity.

What We Received:

We received a one year subscription to The Voice Library.

How It Works:

The Voice Library is known as a digital storytelling platform that allows the user to record audio up to 15 minutes per file. Those files are then available to download and/or stored for listeners to hear at any time. You can make recordings through their website or mobile apps available for android and apple products. In the program you can download a file, as well as upload one. If you have audio editing software, you could download a file, edit it, and then upload the edited file onto the Voice Library database. Through the subscription, there is the option for a recorder login or a listener login. As the recorder and owner of the account, I can share listener access information with whoever I want. If I wanted to allow others to record on my same account, I could give them my recorder access information as well. For example, if I was working on a family history project it might be convenient to have others make recordings of family members who are a long distance away. Another way allowing for multiple recorders would be a birthday or anniversary gift that includes messages from love ones all over. The company is a big proponent for encouraging storytelling and increased relationship connection as well as increasing our attention spans. The projects and uses for this product are truly endless.

What We Thought:

There are several ways to access the program and it was my experience that not every one of my devices worked the same. On apple devices, I could upload photos to attach to each audio file, but not on the website. My android phone would record, but you had to be careful with how close the person speaking was to it or it would just sound like static. There are also phone numbers you can call to make recordings that way, but I didn’t try those. Once I tried everything out, I found what worked best for me and it was easy after that.

When I first received this product, I had several ideas on how I could use it. The first big one that came to mind was to record my mom and dad’s commentary on the various recipes they make regularly, since they both are very active cooks. I can’t tell you how many times they have commented how much they would like to ask my grandmothers questions about how they did things with various recipes, especially around the holidays. I thought how nice it would be - for me and my kids especially - to have their own advice documented. I still may attempt that as we are heading into holiday cooking, but I didn’t have the time to dig into that. Aside from general storytelling, my next idea that I actually acted on was just to get my kids voices and reactions saved and what better way than about our recent trip to Florida. It was like an audio scrapbook. I showed them pictures of a particular day or destination we stopped at and then recording what they thought about it. Some of it was very plain, but a lot of it just captures where they are in their life right now, which is moving so fast. Being able to save it and be reminded of those precious voices is such a gift.

Follow The Voice Library on Social Media:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheVoiceLibrary
Twitter: https://twitter.com/voicelibrary
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thevoicelibrary/
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/thevoicelibrary/
YouTube: https://youtu.be/ovVepv493OI
Vimeo: https://vimeo.com/manage/videos/703528895

Wouldn’t it be interesting to learn about how other families used this product? Click on the link below to read their reviews.

How are you spending your time? Are the things I’m consumed with today worth my time, considering I only have so much? When your children move out, what values will they carry with them? When they start their families, what priorities will they have learned from their years in your house? When their marriages get difficult, finances get rough or medical hardships overtake their life, will they have learned strong and resilient lessons from watching you climb your own mountains? When I am finished with my life here on earth, will my loved-ones carry regret over how much time I spent looking elsewhere for contentment or satisfaction? Will the relationship with God that I model throughout my life be one they are trying to imitate or will it be the “What NOT to do” guideline they live by?

As the busyness of school, sports, holidays and just life gets stirred up this time of year, our priorities can get really jumbled. The list of HAVE-TOs are largely made up by expectation and peer pressure when you really think about it. So many things we do are good or nice, but when we let them get in the way of what’s important, they’ve become a problem.

It is so easy to fall into have to mode before you’ve even really thought about it. Honestly, that’s hard any time of year. Music, committees, programs, sports, social clubs, co-ops, and jobs of all kinds can be very good for our families. We are heavily involved in several of these things in my family right now. They are valuable on so many levels. But it becomes a problem for my marriage if our involvement in anything eliminates all the downtime for just us. Or these activities become a problem if we are always missing time with family or worship because a job or sports team takes up the majority of our life. If my child moves out of my house and can’t fill a dishwasher, do a load of laundry or change a tire because all of his extra activities always came first, then I believe that’s a problem. If another child aces every test she takes, places first in everything she plays, and racks up a full ride scholarship to the best places, but can’t say a kind word to anyone or has no real appreciation for what Jesus has done for her, then there is a problem. No matter what we’re talking about, there’s always a line where really good things, can become a problem.

So, the purpose of a November Reset for Priorities is to eliminate or prevent those kinds of problems creeping in. In this year alone Randy has coached 2 soccer teams for 2 seasons and 1 season of t-ball in the middle of it, I have taken on a significantly larger responsibility at our local co-op, all 3 kids have joined the homeschool choir (which is a big driving commitment), and we’ve taken several trips on top of regular life and school stuff. All those things are good things and largely things we don’t regret in time spent. But there is a constant nagging in my brain that says, “Did we get to all the important stuff though?”

When I think about resetting my priorities, it looks like taking stock of the next several weeks and boiling them down to what’s really important. If 6 weeks go by, what are the most important things I hope to accomplish or facilitate? In 6 weeks, I could change the course of a relationship, establish new routines, eliminate bad habits, learn a new skill, and so many other things. We say we can’t get to things, but the truth is many of those can’ts are just non-priorities. We haven’t decided they are more important than the things we do get to. We all prioritize choices every day. The question is are those the important ones.

And after looking at your life, maybe you’ll come to the conclusion that you ARE prioritizing the important things. What a comfort that is! But, maybe like me, you see some things that you wish were different. The reminder I need is that it isn’t too late to grow over the next several weeks. Whatever needs tending to or refocused on, we can push a reset button and commit differently this time. One of the ways I want to adjust is my internal dialogue and how that affects how I think about my family. Here’s an example. When I get sick, I wish Randy took care of me the way my mother does. He will largely do anything I ask, but I have to hand out the instructions, which I wish I didn’t have to do. There isn’t a big right or wrong here but simply preference. We got sick over the weekend and I did have a bit of resentment over wanting to just burrow further into my bed and instead needed to get up and cover all the bases somehow. But today, that husband of mine offered to run an errand (with kids) for me so that I could have some time to myself. He even tacked on extra library time mostly just to give me extra time. He knows I need it and that I need to write. My mental commentary leans heavy to the negative. I know it. I’m pretty certain it’s genetic in more ways than one. The point is this. I should appreciate the good good man that I married for what he is, rather than get hung up on what he isn’t - especially when we’re talking about preferences. I don’t do that enough, but what if I set an intention for the next six weeks to dwell on and appreciate the things he does out of love. If I really tried, couldn’t I strengthen our relationship and encourage him as my partner with a more positive outlook directed at him? Lord willing, no matter where the kids go and what they do, my husband will be my constant friend. Why wouldn’t I want that dynamic to thrive every chance I get?

Maybe you simply want to walk through the holidays with peace and calm. Maybe your health is in a crisis and you need to make changes. Maybe there’s a project or skill that you’ve neglected for too long. Perhaps we’ve just let all these things in life to take our eyes off of Jesus and what He wants us to be doing. Whatever it is, let’s take stock and reset our priorities.