Man ish a Social Animal

THIS IS MAGNA CARTAAAAAA !

manishkris@gmail.com (The Mudd) — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 09:15:00 +0000

Don't ask why. Sometimes you just can't resist.
I can promise you that it was a lot of fun doing this.

CASSATAAAAA !

MALTAAAA
& VALETTAAAA !!

ATTAAAA !

GANDHI THATHAAAA !

IBN BATTUTAAAA !

SPAR DAAAA !

STOMATAAAA !

And last but not the LEAAAAAST !

In case you're wondering what all this was : they are parodies of "This is Sparta !" from the movie 300. (I know this sounds lame, but from my 'recent past' experience I've realised that many people, especially women, haven't seen the movie.)

Credits

Gerard Butler as the Teacher
Poppin Fresh as theAtta Mascot
M.K.Gandhi as himself
Some Guy as Ibn Battuta
GIMP as the Software that made the whole thing possible

I offically have nothing to Blog about.

manishkris@gmail.com (The Mudd) — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 05:36:00 +0000

The writer's block is upon me. It makes no sense, I know - even I advised it to go sit on something worth blocking. I agree that some stuff on this blog deserves to be blocked but utilizing a whole block of writer's is way overboard. See, I can't even wrote.

Since I ran out of topics, I thought I'd blog like everyone else does -
" So I visited the doctor today. His name is Mr.Ramakrishnan. He has been our family doctor for ages. Ever since I was a little kid I used to go to him.
He took out his stethoscope and checked if my heart was beating .....", while all through the post I'd actually be meaning - "Heyyy....this blog is about me!! So STFU and read whatever crap I write about my life. You may take a nap if you wanna"
This blog is way too stupid to do something like that. See, that last sentence just made this blog an animate being. I can't write !

But it's been more than 2 months since my last post so I need to put up something here to keep my IndiRank above 30. 25 is like when you decide you've had enough of blogger and move to wordpress just because everyone else is doing it but forget to update your IndiBlogger account and it realises that your frequency of posting has come down for some reason and reduces your IndiRank. Well, I'm almost there, and I'm not even moving to wordpress.

But yes, I do get ideas. I was pretty dashed when Michael Jackson died. I grew up listening to him and consequently, my body is tuned to automatically moonwalk and pelvic thrust when his songs start playing. His personal life may not have been great ( thanks to some *&^*^*&) but that shouldn't affect the way people react to his music. One cannot judge people based on allegations and lifestyle. The reason he was white was because he had Vitiligo and not because "Dei, he din't want to look black da" or "He is just one of those weirdos".
Phew... that was the single longest serious piece of text you will see on this blog.

And of course, I could blog about work and kill you people. But I wouldn't do that to my readers considering that there are exactly 2 of you. Yeah ! I know you. I can track you down with my Feedjit thingy on the side pane. You better read every post of mine.

PS: Please do not rate this post on the star thingy that comes below. I don't even know how to selectively make it go away. Please.

Less cricket per cricket

manishkris@gmail.com (The Mudd) — Mon, 18 May 2009 07:33:00 +0000

I just had to. The IPL is taking the cricketing world (read : My life) by storm. The funda behind the (sophisticated) title is that even though we are swamped with as many as 80 overs of cricket per day, we have over 26 hrs of so called cricketing broadcast everyday.

Here is a list of piss-offs and a list of awesomes that the IPL has given rise to .

Piss - Offs - !
Awesomes - +

! Repetitive broadcast of Jilpaanx Shetty's blank face - which has no idea of how to change expression depending on the performance of her team.
+ The Miss Bollywood contest - lame as it sounds, it still makes the cut.

! Waiting for Lacks Man Vishnubrahmakrishnan to say something with a purpose and not just - " That has hit the bat and rolls away on the ground towards the fielder at point who gets his hands down and fields it with both his hands and gets up and looks towards the keeper. He now digs his nose .... "
+ Robin Jackman and Harsha Bhogle showing what commentary really is.

! The strategic timeout - just when you've found a cozy spot in the hall.
+ If it results in a wicket of the opposition.

! The soooper Umpiring of many like Mr. Bad Hexer who would lift the right fingers at exactly the wrong times. Wish someone would raise the wrong finger at them. Oh oh, did I mention 3rd umpiring decisions ? There is enough technology to tell you everything about the action, just short of making a decision by itself. What was that Symond's stumping all about anyways??
+ If the wrong decision goes in favour of your team.

! The fielding of the team you are supporting.
+ The fielding of the opposition.

! Not being able to change your Fantasy Cricket trump player before the next match.
+ Realising that the player who would've been your trump, if you had the opportunity, gets out for a duck.

! Watching Jilpaanx's team win those incredibly close games and Ambumani's /Rukh Ja Khan's losing them.
+ Watching Jushit Shawarma hit 21 off the last over.

! Beergalore Cheerleaders
+ GultiGaaru's Cheerleaders

! This Guy.
+ This Guy.

! "Khuda Jaane" being played with such frequency that people, like me, who do not know hindi start humming it.
+ The (place where animals are kept)(place where animals are kept)s.

! Ads being played as soon as the last ball of the over is bowled, thereby screwing any possibility of watching the replay of a good shot off that ball.
+ The horn like sounds made by the DJ and the consequent cheering by the SA junta.

! Watching A Run Red using words like "Niyanthran" and "Anuchith" and not knowing WTF he's talking about.
+ Same as above. :)

! Watching Shanti Bedi (With the short hair and majorly degraded sex appeal) trying to sound interesting in all her interviews.
+ The organisers donating generously to the schools in SA, indicating once again that they have an incredible amount of money.

! Going blech at the site of Modis Operandi signing autographs at the stadium. Seriously ! - Puke , Puke.
+ Watching the kind of crowds that turn up to watch the tournament.

! Failures of players like Shave-Wag ,Batmansidekick Fatdosawithtoppings, Sorrow Gang Ooly and I'll be Snorkel.
+ The oldies - especially the ex Oz openers, the Beergalorean who just had a kid and the Beergalorean captain.

All said, the IPL is a phenomenon (as opposed to Gautam or Unni or Kay Kay) and is here to stay... and stealing a line from a high calorie ad - I'm loving it.

PS : If you're on twitter, follow me here ...click it... noww.

PLOGARHYTHM

manishkris@gmail.com (The Mudd) — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 15:25:00 +0000

Yeah I know, sucky title. There were many that didn't make the cut : Plogic , Plogspot, Plogger.There was even Mathew Ploggard and Sleep like a plog. I'm sure you would all agree that this is the winner. Yes, this is my first Plog. I got myself a Sony Ericsson W760i a few months back (with a 3.2 MP cam). Now that I have a cam, it only makes sense to use it .

These are some interesting Signboards and other useless crap that I just had to include in my blog because , you know, it goes with the theme.

Let's start of on an Environmental note. Here's the garden city for you :

Hey, wait a sec!

Well, Bangalore is in India after all. And it is human tendency to disobey , especially at that very place. Take this for example :

Please do not sit on the steps ! ( My first Paparazzi pic :)

That's right. "Please do not sit on the steps" , outside Casa Piccola (Jayanagar). The step above this (not in picture) said "Please do not take photos of Step below".

I thought I'd give you guys a peek into my life in Bangalore when I realized I wasn't that big a celebrity to use those words (Yet). For some reason though, I had taken a pic of my Kitchen which is going waste , so here it is .

Our very own lay Meridien

In my life (spanning 23 years) I've seen many spalling mistakes, especially at Restorents, or is it Restaraunt ? Everything from Malay Gupta (at gate, NITT) to "Puncher Shop" (every frikking cycle shop there is). So it wasn't a big deal when I saw this :

Pick Pockters ( Cool Joint ..Jayanagar)

Some smart alec decided he was going to rid this world of scum. As a consequence, right outside the above joint (No, I will not encourage cheap Jamaican jokes), you would find this :

Pick Pocketers

Like Pick Pocketers is correct !

I got too fed up with Bangalorean stupidity, so I went over to Chennai for a weekend. And I find this :

A.T.M (North Usman Rd)

Yeah, sure, thanks. And you take care while talk English. A few hours later, I came across this interestingly named restaurant. (That was just to prove to you that I actually know the spelling ( Orr that I'm tech savvy enough to use spell-check))

Midnight Masala (Kodambakkam High Rd)

No no, I wasn't trying to be the stud photographer that I'm not, was just on a speeding bike. Wonder how the food is though.

That's all folks !. But I'll leave you with a message that has an incredible amount of depth , but whether it was intended or not is a completely different question.

Life Begins With Happy Journey ( Back of Van, Road)

Pink is the new kinda lingo !

manishkris@gmail.com (The Mudd) — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 07:46:00 +0000

I'm sure you all know about this. and this. Now, in the midst of this war of words and ideas and cloth materials let us just take a step back and analyze what is happening (There you go... I already sound important :P).

FACTS :
Mangalore Pub Beat Up
-> Nation (Women in Particular (Karnataka women in more particular ( Karnataka Women who frequent pubs in even more particular(Guys who take Karnataka Women who frequent pubs to pubs in MOST particular)))) agitation

-> Renuka Chaudhury (Minister for Women and Child Development) figures out super lame action plan - "Pub Bharo, Mug Bharo, Pet Bharo"

-> Junta feels that is not enough and action plan 2.0 ( sending valentine's day card to Mr.Muthalik) is born

-> Junta wearing pink chaddis decide they'd rather send their undergarments - considering its shelf life and aesthetic appeal

-> Ram Sene comes up with ingenious action plan 4.0 - send sarees as return gifts - going to prove their generosity and that the Indian culture does not advocate the use of underwear , of course besides the fact that they too celebrate valentine's day.

PONDERING :
. If one gets a saree return for an underwear, will I get a shirt if i send him a pair of socks ? (I can even try and find pink ones)
- sounds a lot better than a Big Bazaar Bargain.

. According to the news item (linked to above), the Ram Sene has collected 150 sarees. That in return to an estimated 1500 chaddis - Does that mean they adopt the first come first served system?
- then I'm sending one right away , and also booking one for the next year.

. If they were to catch a couple on the streets, on what criteria do they decide which thread is given to them (raakhi / mangal sutra)? Because if the verdict is Mangal Sutra for non siblings, then all those couples with opposition from families can just hold hands and walk on the roads.
- And to all those suffering from love failure ( of the rejection kind) just spend a few minutes with your target on the roads.

. The latest buzz is that the Ram Sene is worried about Legal Action (all of a sudden!) - Implying that if they do find couples on the streets, they wouldn't get them married off, but would hand them over to their parents. ( Yes, they believe Parents are worse than the idea of marriage, .. with all that Indian culture and stuff).
- Also, in case they aren't able to find their parents, they will hand them over to the police station. ( aka "Maamanaar veedu"(Father-in-law's house) in Tamil local parlance - Which is in effect the same thing as handing over to the parents , just phrased differently , by the following Axiom Obviosa : Father(x) = Father-in-law(Spouse(x)))

. How are they planning to watch the junta ? Do they just come out of nowhere to catch them couples? Do they have watch towers with positioned guards? People walking around in Mufti ( non-orange clothes - ie visible spectrum - [ Orange Peel, Burnt Orange]) ? Or do they have Surveillance Cameras?
- Oops , I think that last one is against Indian Culture.

. Will they open a lingerie store post V day? One that sells second hand products also?
- Yes, gross ... I know. Now don't say that second'hand' is not the right word.

. Will Ramadoss ban Pubs? Or women going to pubs? Or Action against women going to pubs? Or wearing Saffron? Or Valentine's Day?

. Is it safe to walk with people of the same sex on the streets? Do they believe in gay marriage? What happens to people who are already married? Do they believe in polygamy? Are they swerving towards Islamic fundamentals? What happens to the old spouse? What if they find a foreigner couple? Will it make sense to them that they need not follow 'Indian culture' ? What if they find an Indian and a foreigner? Will they half marry them? Like 1.5 knots or "Maanga Thanthu Ma Jee H th Na" ?

Most importantly, will they serve food at the marriage??

He ain't nothing but a Slum Dog !

manishkris@gmail.com (The Mudd) — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 18:01:00 +0000

- Elvis will leave the building shortly.

Slumdog Millionaire.Everyone knows about the movie... It has already won 4 golden globes , and will probably scalp a few at the oscars. I do not wish to give a synopsis because it would be too short and contain spoilers like :
" You know what , he actually won the 20 million rupees" ( Yes, lets face it, as weird as the phrase "Million Rupees" sounds, the Indian show is called 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' (Or Milinaer as the glorious host puts it)..Oh wait, make that 20 , and (getting back to the spoilers)
"Hey, he actually gets the girl of his dreams" and " Hey, his brother actually gets punished for being a bad boy !" and " Hey there's Irfan Khan in the movie " :).

Total thumbs up for the screenplay and the Music which kept the viewer's senses locked to the movie. But this being a critical blog based on satire, it would make little sense to sing praises. So let's analyse some glaring screw-ups .. ha ha ... I like!

REBUS:

Jamal (the protagonist) basically grew up with his brother Salim who had incredible control over the Hindi Swear language, as clearly portrayed by his utterances at the age of somewhere less than 5.( I mean when we were saying a little more than gaga goo goo, he was saying ...). Then he grew up etc into a fine young Chaiwala. Hmmm.. where is this headed..OK, here's what happens.. He develops a frikking British accent. Not just him, the people closest to him ( namely Salim and Lathika) do not call him 'Jamaal' anymore , they call him 'Juh'maal'...ya know..by putting Peter. So, slum guy who's been hearing Hindi(&*&^%%^) and Hindi(**&&**%%) develops a completely out of context Brit accent when people who host a show on National Television can't pull off the word 'Millionaire' without sounding retarded.
Correct me if I'm wrong ( actually don't bother) , but methought these game shows are shot, edited to fine degrees to cut out the good stuff and keep the nonsense and then telecast like a week later or so. Here though, one night he's on the show, the next morning at the police office, and before you know it he's mobbed by fans who want him to win the money, hoping he'd give them a bite.
It gives the word coincidence a lot of work. Make that co^14 incidence ( 14 questions + except the last one he fluked). And to explain that sort of a story to the cops would be quite a task. Frankly, being a little smarter than Irfan Khan('s character) myself, I definitely wouldn't have bought that story.
Anil Kapoor.

If you don't mind ignoring the above, you must love the movie and there is a good chance you were part of the Golden Globe evaluation team. Also, you will notice the following points

Brilliant performances by kids and adults alike ( barring Anil Kapoor), especially young Jamal and younger Jamal.
The lady of the movie looks equally unpretty at all ages... good job, just going to prove that if you look bad now there is a high probability you will, 20 years from now.
The Screenplay.
The slums, the riots, the call center, the undying love for a girl he met when he was 4 , the usage of everyday hindi words by tiny kids etc
The Music is trademark Rahman : catchy and killer.
Did I mention Screenplay?

Suggested Ending : After he wins the million, Irfan Khan goes back to his station and stares at the collage on his wall. There is one Newspaper cutting of Lathika Hardware company, one of a most wanted criminal by the name Salim. He then checks out that tumbler that he was having chai from, which is in fact branded Maman and the tea itself being Taj Mahal Tea. Yes, it would've kicked 'The Usual Suspects' in the ....ahem....ok .. family area... tata.

PS: 20 million rupees does not make you a millionaire can you believe . Look !

Anhoni ko Dhoni (ke Fans) Kar De

manishkris@gmail.com (The Mudd) — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 06:27:00 +0000

Remember the age old Shakespearean question on the topic of which division you should choose in your second grade? I've found the answer - 'To be Dhoni' is the answer. A group of die hard Dhoni fanatics (For over 20 years) , have come up with a plan ( and an elevation and other figures) to build a Place of worship for da man. One doubt :
Haven't they taken this 'Cricket is a religion in India' thing a little too literally?

-- Aside : Why Dhoni ? What sort of a name is that? Here are my suggested etymologies :

1. His ancestors are from Kerala and one of their names was Anthony. But with all that mallu accent around, to his dismay, and to the rest of the world's frustration , everyone called him Undhoni, which people mistook as a conjunction followed by Dhoni , and the name has stuck.

2. Microsoft employees performed time travel into the year 1981 to release a product called MS Dhoni.

3. His real name was Mahendra. There was a famous Bihari song in the 90s that went "Dhoni Dhoni Dhoni". He walked into karaoke pub one night and the junta urged him to sing the song. So they said "Mahendra Sing Dhoni", and since everyone was saying that, some retarded people in the crowd started thinking that it was his name.

4. His Great grand Chitappa owned a laundry shop in Chennai. And well, the Tamil makkal did not know Hindi too well so they'd say " Dho Nee".

5. Dhoni or Doni is a multi-purpose sail boat with a motor or lateen sails that is used in the Maldives. It is handcrafted and its use within the multi-island nation has been very important. A dhoni resembles a dhow, a traditional Arab sailing vessel. Actually that sucks for an etymo. Please Scrap 5.

-- End of Aside , All reals.

All that aside (Heh :) , what becomes of him if this were to happen. He would be the Youngest Hindu God. ( Hindu because very few other faiths have multiple gods, and the others which do wont tolerate him. Even Cricket is too busy praying to the Sachin God. Youngest because he is 27 and , well, he is closely followed by Lord Muruga in second spot at a billion and a half.)
According to the papers they will build a 5 ft tall Idol of him. Oh wait , or is it 20 ft. I think they will settle on 12.5. And what will the bhajans be like?? 20-20 Bhajans?? Well, here's an example :

BCCI had no selection Stratechee
So they looked at the others and said Chee Chee
That is why they gave him the captainchee
And he comes from a place that's so Raunchy.

It is also in his general knowlechee
That the WWf panda's Name is chi-Chi
He is India's very own Annaachee
And he comes from a place that's so Raunchy.

Instead of Saying Hi , Kem Chee
Or Saying Bingo chips is Crunchee
Sorry this song is Pulichi Pochee
And he comes from a place that's so Raunchy

All said and done, Dhoni is a pretty decent captain, and a major patriot. One can see his commitment to the country ( And the Men in Blue campaign) in this picture where he is seen drinking blue water. Dhoni was not available for comment owing to a bitter copyright battle with Bill Gates.( Or because he hasn't visited my house in the last hour, as you like it ( Damn the Shakespeare in me !)).

In other related news, the star of Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi ( a critically acclaimed movie that released hardly a week back), Anushka Sharma, has said that she will only choose the best films. No... Seriously... Go check your newspaper.

Eppocalypse and Eppadicalypse

manishkris@gmail.com (The Mudd) — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 13:18:00 +0000

- A guide to when and how you (as a collective) will cease to exist

Ever since the beginning of human time, man (and woman, if you are a feminist) has proposed infinite theories on how the earth began and how life began (Primarily because they wanted to know how they landed here in the first place) . Every culture, every religion came out with their understanding of what could have happened (read: ridiculous theories with the sole aim to glorify their respective faiths and bash those of the others). Once they were out with this stuff, they were in a fix - They were incredibly bored , and they couldn't come up with competing theories because they would get frikking killed for heresy. All this boredom had one outcome, and frankly it only needed an Einstein to come up with the next course of action.

Apocalypse by itself means "lifting of the veil", ie something you would do to your to be spouse if you were a male christian or a female Tuareg. Yes ,... you would be apocalypsing. Not like the world would come to an end if you did it .. right? ( May be just yours would ! :-). This veil - wedding funda is the probable reason behind the usage of the word Apocalypse to mean "End of the World" or "Doomsday". Heh.

The different problems that the earth is facing today makes one (read: ME) wonder how this world would come to an end. On the one hand there is Global Warming, where Ice caps would melt and our water problems would be solved , and on the other hand there is the energy shortage and its consequences. Oops, I think I just missed out a zillion other possibilities. Lets take a look at a few of them..

1. Terrorism : The act of employing guns and bombs and retarded brain cells to kill innocent civilians to gain nothing but outrage from the affected people for a few weeks and the next point ..

2. War on Terror : The act of employing High Quality guns and bombs that fall from the sky and superiorly retarded first world brain cells to kill a large number of people, of whom a few might be terrorists.

3. Economic Meltdown :
You : What , how is that going to end the world ?
Me : (Puts up retarded flowchart)

Click to see the bigger picture

4. Horsemen : ( Yes, read 4 Horsemen) - The New Testament predicts that 4 scary looking people on horses will go around the world ( in their frikking horses) and spread War, Famine, Pestilence and Death, not necessarily in that order, eventhough the order doesn't really matter. This will be followed by tornadoes and earthquakes and frikkin scorpions which will sting the crap outta the whole non - christian population. Like we don't have enough problems already.

5. The Aztec Prophecy : The world has already ended four to five times, by methods ranging from flood to armies of hungry jaguars. Our world will apparently get the terrifying Tzitzimime, depicted as either skeletons with rattlesnake penises, or a race of bony, female spider monsters from the stars.
Ok, lets breathe here for a minute. Not one person in the whole Aztec empire could predict that their civilisation would end thanks to some normal creatures? Like the Spanish for example? On similar lines, I'd say an Alien Invasion would do it for us.

6. Ragnarök : Wolves eat the sun, Norse Trickster God Loki escapes from ropes made of his son' intestines and hijacks a ship made of dead mens' toenails, and Jörmungandr, the World Serpent, rises from the oceans and spews poison across the lands and skies, the gods stab, poison, burn and eat each other until Earth sinks into the ocean.Phew.
Only two humans, Lif and Lifthrasir, are scheduled to survive Ragnarök by hiding in the Yggdrasil, the world tree. I'm definitely changing my name. ( In addition, Lif Krishnan sounds cool).

7. Robots could take over the world. The rate at which we're progressing on that front, I don't think it would happen before any of the others.

8. There is the new, upgraded LHC

9. According to the Mayan calender, the end of time should be December 21, 2012.( Either that or they did not know to count past that number, or thought there was no point in doing so.) My personal opinion is that time cannot stop. Secondly, they are way off the mark with the prediction if it is about themselves.

10. Bollywood could go global. More suicides as a result of movie watching ( read : genocide).

11. If Sarah Palin becomes POTUS.

12. If the Chinese take this population explosion thing a little more seriously and introduce the "We two (/three) ours none" policy.

13. If any of the games "Rise of Nations", "Red Alert" and the likes are synced to the real world environment. ( And Missile Shield is not researched ! )

14. If viruses dangerous to the human body could be programmed into computers.

15. If Chuck Norris decides so.

16. If Scientific research proved that usage of Cell Phones could kill. Not to mention cheating on partners, being fake, working out math in the loo, bunking class, writing CAT, staring at people of the opposite sex, writing CAT, watching Sachin Tendulkar bat, writing CAT, thinking the government sucks, watching Miss World, watching the Miss World, being bored, killing insects, being a bad boy, smoking etc. ( Orr has the last one been proven already ?)

17. Increase in the number of such second rate blog posts.

< Watch this Space: >

Muqablech 3 - The Return of the Jodi

manishkris@gmail.com (The Mudd) — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 19:59:00 +0000

In case you are not a regular reader of this blog, this is a continuation of Superhit Muqablech and Muqblech - Part Deux , and I hate you.

N-2 . INDI re situations when couples want to have soda POP

The genre of LOUW , the genre of repetition, the genre of romance: The Duet.This genre has come a long long way from the ages when the lady of the screen would hide behind the door shyly and make masterpieces on the floor with her toes through an age when every country in the world including some undiscovered ones provided backdrops to these songs, not to mention their faithful law abiding citizens as background dancers / incrediblyembarrassingbootyshakedoers and now, to an age in which movies like Murder and Julie make the man of the movie hide owing to Shame shame all around...-that reminds me of a verse in a poem that went -

" Shame Shame , everywhere,
And all the clothes did shrink,
Shame Shame, everywhere,
From Obamaland to Chink . "

- The Rime of the ownage Legendariner

In other words these songs ,nowadays, are positioned just before or after they du it .Heh.

There are a few parameters that are used as guidelines for judging such songs when we grade them from 0-1.5 (I know that you presumptuous asses would say that you could divide 1.5 into 10 divisions and consider it as a rating out of 10. But you understand what I mean- i'm doing a Nigel - refer : This is Lumbar Puncture. )

1. Differential of No. of Dress changes with respect to time

Remember the good old days when the couple would remain in the same set of clothing through the entire 8 minute song ? No? .. Duh No. There was no such song, at least not after Eastman came into the picture, and before that one couldn't really say for sure that the clothes had not changed considering it could have been any colour that produced the same shade of gray on well, the grayscale.

The dude who made the first colour production was amazed by what colour could do to a movie and said " hey, I bought my wifey 5 new sets of clothes , now how do I fit that into a 5 minute song.". And that my friends became a fad. As India's economy improved, so did its standard of living and , as a consequence ,the number of new clothes Mr.Director bought for his (and other )wives and all this lead to another proprtional increase in the clothes changed per unit song (dCC/dT). In this crazy competition, the directors started taking this a little too personally and the textile industry began to bloom.

Amidst this rat race to achieve dress change targets one cunning tech savvy director invented a technique by which clothes can be changed at unprecedented speeds. He invented the ! SuperChromoAlternator ! Ever seen a song that uses the SCA ?? Ms. Lady's clothes change colour while the clothes are still on her - Hurrah !! This invention gave rise to another jump in the graph (Figure 1.1.1 ) and the dCC/dT values increased disproportionately.
Eventually Director wives started receiving much fewer gifts and the textile stocks began to fall but that topic is beyond the scope of this blog owing to the intelligence levels that it demands. As bollywood years passed, one thing became clear - a greater dCC/dT value will remain elusive. In this long line of innovations, the most obvious thing to do next was to reduce the amount of clothing itself. As(s) a result, the dCC/dT values have drastically reduced lately( because they found it diffcult to change clothes when there are no clothes to start off with) and that innovation has produced yet another kink(y) in the graph. Heh.

Fig 1.1.1 : Dress Changes per Unit time against Bollywood Timeline ( Click to see the bigger picture :)

2. Weighted Aggregate of No. of Embarrasing Moves ('Steps' for those who can't move). The weight being well, their weight.

Imagine taking your girlfriend/wife to an exotic country, then to an isolated hill in that exotic country. To narrow down the search criteria, add the constraint that the hill be covered with lush green grass. Once you are in this situation... utopian , exotic and probably everything you've wanted... you start performing pelvic thrusts and sommersaults - and your wife still loves you, why , even she does her own jig and then both of you engage in a series of synchronised ass shaking.(Note: the previous 2 lines may be construed in many ways - one of them is definitely not what I intended). All right so you are true lovers( read : maniacs) , so chuck it. No big deal. Now Imagine you performing all these acts without a partner.. just for your lady. Nobody else is watching you, and you put up this mini show just for her. To top it all off, she still likes you enough to not break up at the end of it. Who wouldn't wanna be in Bollywood.

In case you have been through all of the above: Hi, Pleased to meet you - I'm a great actor myself , I do not mind doing even Brother roles and Son roles, I can even stoop to as low as The guy who loses his girl to you. My phone number is in my profile :) . And if you are not a Bollywood Actor, you're weird dude , get a life.

3. Log of the utterance count of The Words "Dil" ,"Pyar" (and hence "Inkaar" and "Ikraar"), "Ishq", "Mohabbat" and "Deewana" to the base 2.

In 1933 by the Music of Lovers , Elephants and Saints (MOLEST) Act , it was added to the non-existant Indian Constitution that every duet must have these words in any order , but must contain all the above words. And by the 1977 Ammendment for Non-Sense Usage in Songs (ANUS), every duet must include these words and must also have a very obvious rhyme scheme in such a way that the net meaning of the song must be nothing more than "I love you".
If someone were to ask me why Log to the base 2, I would say something about how the rhyme schemes would make the words appear in powers of 2 as the Indians use either the 2 or 4 lines per verse songwriting. (But what I'd actually be saying is that I just wanted to make this calculation thingy look more mathematical.)

There you go, 0.5 for each category. Now go kick some Song critic's ass. I mean seriously.

Consequences of 'anal'ysis

manishkris@gmail.com (The Mudd) — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 19:07:00 +0000

I realised this sometime when I was in school :

Loo winds and Anal kaathu (Tamil for Hot Wind) mean the same thing , in more than one way. Brilliant !

Muqablech : Part Deux

manishkris@gmail.com (The Mudd) — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 07:06:00 +0000

In case you are not a regular reader of this blog, this is a continuation of Superhit Muqablech, and, I hate you.

N-1 . INDI "well, very much", " among the amit_123s and kids of ages 15-16 extremely" POP

Yes, we are talking about India's answer to 50 Cent - Inde Cent. Item numbers in the rest of this post will refer to this genre, as opposed to what the counter boy enters into his device to obtain the price of an item.

This genre is not new. Meaning it is old. Meaning, ye ol parents and uncles and irritating aunts shant criticize my generation.(This is where Sachin puts his arm around me and says " Our generation ", but I cut him short and say " You wish!").

Mr. HighlyCriticalAndAtTheSameTimeIncrediblyPissingOffUncle ( HCAATSTIPOU for short ):"Why do you say that it is not new?? Me thought Shilpa Shetty was the first one to be called an Item girl after that song from Shool? The kids these days, pah pah pah ! Abhishtu.".

Mr. HighlyIntellectualChickMagnet ( Mudd for short) : " I appreciate the general knowledge sir (restecp ! ). But just try and remember the days of your youth (yes, difficult,i agree), the movies that came out , remember " Caravan " or "Sholay" or "Namak Halal"? Helen, Parveen Babi??"

HCAATSTIPOU : " Yes, vaguely." ( read: Duh dude, but I just don't want to accept it because I know where you're getting at and my argument would be compromised if I did)

Mudd: " yes, you called them Cabaret performances and 'fast forward songs' (a song which when appears from tape provokes an urge to press the >> button when family is around), but in essence there were skimpily clad women shaking booty (which is an approximate version of Wikipedia's definiton of Item Number). AND YOU WATCHED IT - REPEATEDLY"

Yes, it is old. But the term has now come to mean a larger range of songs : "The term 'item number' has now been relaxed to include almost all upbeat dance numbers involving either a woman in skimpy clothing, or a "guest appearance" from a star who is only in the movie for the length of that song" (a wikiquote)
Even mainstream actresses and actors ( blech ! ) do Item Numbers. Or should I say the ladies who have done item numbers have gone on to become mainstream actresses. Eitherways, the genre has come and will stay on until Bollywood has some laws against bad music and limited clothing, which by recent trend, I do not see happening.
Just to make this post more appealing ( read: To appear on google's search results for hot Raakhi Sawant Pics ( usually 0 results) or I like booty) , here are the leading ladies of this genre, I mean the videos. ( I do not know who sings for them, and frankly, few care)

Not too sure about the last guy, but I have definitely seen him in many such songs.

Note: The neck downs of these images are intended only for mature audiences. Knowing my readers inside out, I cropped them.

P.S : Not all item numbers are bad songs.

Superhit Muqablech

manishkris@gmail.com (The Mudd) — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 10:23:00 +0000

To all the folks who haven't met me , I have a confession to make : My control over the hindi language is limited to the phrases "Arrey bhaaiyee","Mera naam Joker", "Kuch Kuch Hota Hai","Kyunki saans mein kabhi badbhu thi" and " Please don't be santusht", of course ,apart from the Queen's Hindi words that are oft heard in college : "M&^%&^C&^%& , B%&^%&C^&%&^ , G&, L& (Note: the previous 2 words are to be pronounced the way they are written) , B^S^&^&KE " etc. And for those who do know me, the above fact would've become glaringly evident in the first few nanoseconds of our acquaintance.
So , In case your name appears here in bad light, do not panic... here goes:
Any character spoken about in this post might be fictional. (You can thank me later)

Countdown Begins. Here is a non exhaustive list of possible genres that Hindi music can be classified into.
(I lack organisational skills, I have not figured out how many categories will appear in this Countdown , so I will count down from N to 1 :-)

N. INDI POP
The name says it all. Or should I say it used to. This genre of music refers to the kinds that were played when MTV and Channel V first learnt to play Hindi music ,in the mid 90s. Owing to the limited Inventory and Low differential of No. of Songs with respect to time , the same song would be repeated a minimum of 3 times a day ( For all those who came to this site searching for "Himmesh pics" or "Bappi Da Great", the last line implies a minimum of 4 telecasts a day .. thats 1 + 3 repeats. OK? ).
The list of artists usually included in this genre are :

Falguni Pathak ( One takes a long time to figure out if it is a male or a female. Great female voice , but who knows , may be he's just faking it. So lets just call it it. )

Hans Raj Hans( Greatly influenced by the Punjabi translations of works by a certain Hans Christian Andersen . He has also made Solo performances in a few Star Wars movies :) :) :)

Adnan Sami (A piano Prodigy. And a shining example to disprove the old adage "Play Piano, lose Weight". And Btw ,Riddle time : If Adnan Sami was a South Indian middle aged woman, what would his name be???
Ans. Adnan Maami :):)

Many one hit wonders such as Agosh, Aryans, Anaida, Anamika, Mika, etc. (No, not all of them kissed Raakhi Sawant....as far as we know it ie.)

But the killer of them all, the man who could probably be called the father of Indi-pop , ( with a song called "Thanda Thanda Paani" that was dangerously similar to "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice, which in turn is a direct flick from "Under Pressure" by Queen),the king of originals ,Baba Sehgal.

B.S (for short :) is the quintessential Indian rapist wrapper rapper. He has won the hearts of many a Baba Sehgal fan.
But there has been a lot of speculation about his name. Why Baba Sehgal.? The speculation stems from the fact that he does not resemble most of the Baba's known to man. For instance, as is evident from the pictures, he does not resemble Baba Amte or Homi Bhabha or Ali Baba or the Baba mudra or even Baba black sheep.

Note : After years of scientific studyon this chosen nomenclature, it was arrived at that his physiognomically closest relatives are Sathya Sai Baba and the Seagull.

To be continued

Tambrahmology

manishkris@gmail.com (The Mudd) — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 14:34:00 +0000

Warning:This post is just to update my blog. For the junta ( million+) who have subscribed to my blog, it would be a let down to repeatedly log on to their reader/feeds and wait and crave for my next post. Hence, here it is !. For the others who came here by mistake, I suggest you Click Here , yes, I am programmor am programmar write code,and yes, English is one of the few syntaxes I don't know. ( Or was it Language?).

The other day when Nicole Vaidisova was on TV ( I obviously do not remember the event, because I had very little time to notice that), I was wondering what she would look like in a sari(,in general and madisar in specific.)As the thought built up , I wondered what her name would be and thus was born this "Yet another crappy" blogpost.

Likely Tambrahm Names of Highly Untambrahm humans.

Nicole Vaidisova : Nirmala Vaidyanathan. (The Vaidyanathan was a duh ! )
Venus Williams : Veena Vinayakam
Serena Williams : Shanti Vinayakam
Martina Navratilova : Mala the Navarathri Lover.
Burt Reynolds : Bharath Ranganathan
Bart Simpson : Bharath. S ( Simple.)
W.P.U.J.C.Vaas : Ranjiv Ravi Raghavan RajaGopalan Rajam Iyengar
Andy Roddick : R.Anand
Richard Krajicek : R. Karthik
Stanley Kubrick : S.Karthik
Mikhail Kalashnikov : M. Karthik
Ray Romano : Raja Ramana
Harry Houdini : Hariharan

Please come up with more, put it up in the comments ( plan ! ;) ) .
Here's leaving you with a quote from my favourite Radio Ad
"Suppose yuwar rich father in laa kaals you Eediat. Yu waant to kill him na? No. Forgive him. Vai he is kaaling names? Becos you could nat give yuwar wife haeppiness. Make situation baetar by buying apaartment aet *** *** *** , Yelahanka, the fastest growing part of the city today becos of new Aerpoart. Today If you buy apaartment for 3500 par square foot, tomaaro it will touch the sky, so BUY"

PS: Thank you CIC rep vivek for wearing that red programmer tee.

This is Lumbar Puncture

manishkris@gmail.com (The Mudd) — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 17:35:00 +0000

I have just wasted another 2 hours of my life.(And am prepared to waste more by writing about it. )

"This is Spinal Tap" is a Rockumental Mockumentary . The movie begins when a guy - moustache growing, slow speaking, boring environment developing and Michael Moore looking - introduces the "rockumentary" and we (obviously) tend to accept him as a harmless documentarian.
The story is a touching tale of how 2 poor friends fight against all odds to become the most successful rock band in history ( NOT! ) . It is in fact actually about how a band's music gets from bad to worse to worsest(ershire). It chronicles the life of a typical heavy metal band through its many stages - lost popularity , piss off manager, girlfriend politics ( aka figura paatha odana frienda cut pannardu , translated : figure sighting => friend ejection.),groupies, lack of grey cells, further damage of grey cells thanks to drugs, even further damage of grey cells owing to bad music, mysterious deaths ( choking on vomit becoming the order of the day for musicians), miserable punch lines, failed stage antics , jam packed audiences (lol), long antique hair, twisted lyrics, lack of general knowledge and even star status in Japan ( Rajini ishtyle! )etc.

All that apart, the fine line of mockery that runs through the theme of the flick is not lost on the audience. Though subtle, at many points it has quite an impact. If the same film was made as a 90s sitcom, it would've had a perpetual laughing machine playing in the background, but the ambience and the literal seriousness portrayed after every funny scene makes you think twice about laughing.
Some parts of the movie that I found interesting :

Nigel (lead Guitarist) shows off his new amps to the mockumentarian ( no pun intended) : " This one is special because , as you can see, the numbers all go till 11.......means it is 1 louder than the others ."
Mock(kai)mentarian : " But one can just make the 10 louder" ( and hence make the maximum sound equal the one this can produce)
Nigel: "but this one goes to 11 !" ( Refer Video : Heights of stupidity, the BBC iPlayer has a volume slider that goes from 0 to 11 - True story)
Spinal Tap 11
Also, the fundae about how the succession of drummers have died under odd circumstances : one in a "bizarre gardening accident"; another "choked on vomit," (although it was never determined whose vomit it was, as "you can't really dust for vomit"), and a third from apparent spontaneous human combustion onstage, leaving only a small green "globule" on his drum throne (yet another drummeralso spontaneously combusted during the course of the fakumentary).

The movie also has a number of subtle references to the rock and roll scene at the time. Nigel and David , to me, make a duo much like Page and Plant in terms of looks and band member portfolio{ I am wrong according to Wiki !! ( but I can become right ! Alo would know best about this :)} . Yet, David is very much like Plant : his look, his accent, his behaviour etc.
Another allusion can be seen in the song "Big Bottom" by Spinal Tap , very evidently a take off on "Fat bottom girls" by Queen.

My opinion is that Almost Famous is miles better than " This is Spinal Tap" . But considering the fact that the feel of a documentary was to be given, this was a great effort ( aka well tried) .

Moorumentarian : " So there actually was a saint by the name of David Hubbins? "
David : " Yeah. The patron saint of quality footwear ."

That Noosepaper Item

manishkris@gmail.com (The Mudd) — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 18:32:00 +0000

A few days ago I read an article in the TOI Bangalore edition that talks about 3 fat ladies. Considering that it was TOI, one would have expected a gossip column about Khushboo or how Bipasha Basu complains about her weight. But , to my surprise and (lack of) delight it was about the date 08-08-08.

The quoting starteth : " Such dates occur rarely, mostly once in a millennium "..."There may not be any religious or astrological connotations to Friday's palindrome date. But then, this is something that will not come until the next millennium"
I have a few questions : Do we reach the next millennium in another hundred years? Or does mi-len-nium mean one-hun-dred in latin??

Purpose behind the Inquisition : Many of us might not live long enough to see the 8th of August 2108 owing to increasing terrorist activity, increasing murders of daughters and servants, skyrocketing stats of death owing to alcohol overdose and well, increasing age and the consequent complications.
But, tell me if I'm wrong (click on the 0 comments link a few centimeters below.. please.. and I'd be happy if you cant find it :-) , when you write this date in the dd-mm-yy format ( or the 3!-1 other formats considering the 2 ds and the 2 ms and the 2 ys prefer to stay together), doesn't the date resemble a 08-08-08 ?. Again, when the date does arrive, will we be in the next millennium ?

Waitees, the blog post ain't over 'til the fat lady sings.
So thats that about 08-08-2108. Oops, what about 2208, and 2308 and 2n08 (n E Z , n>3, n <10 ) ??

On the contrary I can think of one point of view that not only makes Mr.Author human ( from amoeba thalamoid ,atom cerebroid gorrilanus) but a genius , is that the very idea of fixing when a millennium starts or ends has no sanctity attached to it.Who knows when the world began? Was it 4.5 Billion years ago? So that would imply it began during the year (4.5bn-2008) B.C ?
All right, so you say its the Birth of Christ that defines the zero on our scale? May be Mr. Author uses a different scale, may be he is not Christian or perhaps he's not a fan of Pope Gregory. To beat it all ( read : kill it all/ own it all) he could be a Brahmin Iyer ( read : Palakkad Brahmin Iyer) , which implies there is no way he cannot be a genius. So, he probably has his own calendar, his own milestones, his own measurements. In the authorian calendar, the millennium may start on the 9th of August every thousand years or may be each gregorian year equals a hundred authorian years.

Ok gtg, the song "Kungumappotin Mangalam" is on air. So blog post is over ! ( why?)

Traffic

manishkris@gmail.com (The Mudd) — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 10:26:00 +0000

If you're looking for a movie review for Traffic, then "Wrong Number"... and I think you should check out : This !
Thanks a lot for visiting my page. Keep coming back, I might have more such intentionally misleading stuff.

But, if you're slightly demented and would rather a few crappy blog posts then stick on and scroll down.

Ok...All reals ! .. .. traffic is a concept. Its something that people come across at sometime or the other in their lives. Every constituent of today's junta would have suffered this harrowing ordeal.
Now how does one react in a tense slow moving traffic situation: One in which if even one more vehicle is added to the equation, the whole system collapses.

On the one hand there are those craven owners of lilliputan rickety vehicles that they have bought from their whole life's savings.

On the other are those chauffeurs of august looking luxury sedans who have no clue of what might be their fate if their employer finds that scratch near the tail lights of thickness 2.3 nanometers. Theyd be thanking god that most of these owners are old and cannot tell an M80 from a Ducati using all that equipment (after crazy loads of depreciation) in their head.

On the third hand( oops...ok.. leg then),the Heavy Vehicle Man. By that I mean buses and trucks and lorries and even those hugeee things that have stuff like "MAERSK" written on them. These guys just don't give a "rat's ass"( read -four letter word beginnin with an F and not fool or fart or feud or fill or free or ...) .

Among all of these heavy weights are the Bikers...( Do not immediately picture a Harley Davidson ridden by a 250lb man wearing a 300lb leather jacket. Come back to earth- Yeh India hai Bhaaiyee !!(said with profound thambi accent(And THAT is nested paranthesisation for you))). Wait..I need to figure out what I was writing before those brackets. Aaah...so these bikers... riding anything from black 220cc pulsars to pink scooties would meander through the traffic, again regardless of what they might hit on the way and whose rear view mirror they may take along.

This is quite a scene. Add to this the fact that 20% of these people are one their cellphones (Some people at least have the "Gidney" to use hands free).
And to top it all off, this high entropy scenario gets some further jolts from some jackass jaywalkers.(juss missed alliteration)

What is most surprising is that almost everytime every single one of these people come out unscathed and totally normal as if nothing even happened ... As if its not even worth a blog topic. And they're right, Ive been there millions of times and I am sane(my opinion)... and life goes on as ever.

K...lunch time...:)
But here's a thought (for the day, if ud like..if it reminds you of good ol days in school)..
"If u are who u are and i am who i am because u are who u are and i am who i am then u are who u are and i am who i am but,
if u are who u are because i am who i am and i am who i am because u are who u are then u are not who u are and i am not who i am"
- Thanks to the evam play "Art"... Awesome play. You must really watch it if given the opportunity. (@Mr.Evam : you can pay me later)
And Yess , I am taking up Philosophy in a big way, and probably sainthood too.. it seems like an easier way to make money.
In a few weeks my blog will be shifted to www.theincrediblyawesomeguywhobecameasage.blogspot.com

Light from this side of the tunnel

manishkris@gmail.com (The Mudd) — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 14:49:00 +0000

In another 40 hours or so one Video Cam will go where nothing has gone before,...My Nose, Of course barring the occasional fly and that pen cap when I was 4.... Euww? I know, even I sympathise with the cam. But you must understand that these cams are also inserted into some unspeakable (unsmellable rather) holes. I just wish that that particular instrument hasn't been anywhere else on its journey called life for I might be woken up midway through the procedure from general anasthesia.The past few days I've been walkin around with my hands together.. as an attempt to keep all fingers crossed (Figured its not possible with my toes..i tried !).

Its supposedly a procedure called FESS. They will have a look at the insides of my head with a cam attached to one end of a rod shived up my nostril and then remove matter from the 8 cavities in the skull called sinuses. I'm just praying they do not remove the little matter that there is from the other "almost" cavity-there's another blog post stored there.