Messy Play…squishy, mucky, glittery, bright, wet, happy play! Messy play gives children an opportunity to tap into their creativity, explore all sorts of possibilities, enhance and experience their senses and of course…get messy!

Children just love it and well, some parents really just don’t like it all that much. It’s just so…messy.

The thing is messy play is important for a child’s development, it’s really not just about the mess but much more than that.  Messy (sensory) play for toddlers and preschoolers at its finest is an open-ended endeavor that promotes learning.  Especially in the first five years of life, a child’s brain is developing rapidly and sensory play is vital stimulation for this development.

So what can parents do to offer messy play opportunities and not feel completely frustrated, disgusted, overwhelmed or otherwise annoyed with the mess?  Here are many ideas to make messy play just a little less messy and more enjoyable and slightly less messy:

You can do it

You know it’s going to get messy…but it’s also going to be fun, so dive right in with a positive, can do attitude and it will feel easier.

Location! Location! Location!

Where ever you decide to start messy play, be sure the area doesn’t have a lot of breakables, valuables, or important papers nearby.  By choosing a safe location you can reduce some anxiety about keeping important things clean and just focus on play.

Some great locations for messy play are the kitchen floor, a playroom, the bath tub, the driveway, back yard and the playground or local park.

Dress it up  -  Cover it up

Making sure children wear old clothes or smocks is a great way to take some stress out of messy play.   Additionally, covering and containing the mess is important too.

One thing we like to do is use a vinyl shower curtain and place it on the ground. It can be hosed off and hung to dry after a messy activity and makes clean up much faster.  The curtain can be used just for protection or as the actual canvas for many messy projects!

Another inexpensive way to cover up work areas are newspapers, giant paper rolls or purchasing plastic table coverings from the clearance bin after any big holiday.

An eco-friendly version is to use giant beach towels, old bed sheets or painting drop cloth and wash or just let dry when finished, over time they will become stained with all sorts of messy play memories!

An old picnic blanket that has the vynil backing also works well.

Taping sheets of paper to a glass door for water color painting or finger painting is great.

Other ways to contain the mess: Old metal baking sheets, deep plastic bins, take away containers and foil pans, repurposing a water/sand table and using a kiddy pool.

When working indoors with really messy projects, I have even lined a “walkway” from the table to the sink with towels and masking tape to avoid getting the floor dirty. (Trash bags or plastic foil work too but not so earth friendly…)

Play with the rules

Picture a two year old on the loose with green goopy paint hands wandering by the white curtains…Aww! Although messy play is all about free exploration, it’s really ok to contain or set up guidelines as to where the materials may and may not be.

Whenever we do messy play, we designate the area specifically and create a playful rule around it. For example: “Everything around the shower curtain is hot lava, so please stay on the lava proof carpet” or “this is the magical painting carpet, the paint stays on here only. ”  “No playdough on the carpet.”

For outdoors, using a safety cone for example to mark the end of a driveway is a great way to keep the children safe.

Avoid the sticky stuff…or not

Sticking with less messy materials if you are really mess avoidant is a great way to get started with messy play.  Using buckets, water and paint brushes (no paint) for example to paint the sidewalks, driveway etc…is low on the sticky factor, but is still loads of fun.

Check finger paints and tempera paints carefully, some brands are more washable than others.  Shaving foam is great fun, but it dries into a really glue like mess, so clean up before it dries up!

Mud gets a bad rap but it’s really washable! Making mudpies and rock soup are messy but clean up and set up are pretty easy in the back yard.

Flour, sand and glitter tend to stick to everything. Baby powder is great at unsticking them from little fingers and little toes!

Today I am sharing a very insightful interview with the very lovely Kelly Bartlett, a fellow Certified Positive Discipline Parenting Educator, author and mom of two.  Kelly is sharing a bit about her journey into positive parenting, some of her favorite positive discipline tools  as well as really helpful ideas on what to do when feeling discouraged about discipline and how to get back into a positive mind set.

Q: How did you get into positive discipline and positive parenting?

Q: What does positive parenting mean to you?  Is it about the tools, about the principles…?

Q: What is your favorite positive discipline tool? Why and when do you use it?

Q: Do your children ever use PD principles/tools on you or their siblings?

Q: What would you say to a parent that is considering positive discipline?

Q: What would you say to a parent that has tried positive discipline but is feeling discouraged about it?

Q: What are your favorite positive discipline resources on the web?

Rephrasing our parental requests of “Because I said so” and “Do it NOW!” and “You HAVE to do it THIS way” with phrases that show interest and encourage involvement really encourage children to cooperate. Additionally, it helps children feel listened to, and in time children start wanting to listen to us in return!

One component of encouraging cooperation is attuning ourselves to the needs and ideas of our children and finding ways to incorporate them into daily tasks.

Just this morning my two year old was washing her hands, the water had been running for almost a minute and I really wanted it turned off.  I was really tempted to just shut the water. Yet, knowing just how engaged and happy she was washing her hands and investigating the soap, I asked a few quick questions instead:  ”Are you enjoying washing your hands?”  ”YES!” “Well,the water has been running for a while. How about turning it off? Who is going to do it, me or You?” “I do it Self!” came the answer and promptly, she turned off the water and moved onto drying her hands.  Would it have been faster to just say “Shut off the water!”, well, faster possibly, but likely to disrupt her investigative process and lead to some tears of protest. This way, with three quick questions we stayed connected, she made her own decision and the water was turned off, which is what I wanted – win, win!

Here are 35 Phrases that encourage parent-child cooperation:

How can we solve this together?

What do you think the problem is?

Last time when we did this, what worked? Should we do it the same way?

Do you have a way you want to do it?

What way would you fix it?

Let’s try team work!

Can you show me a different way to do that?

Do you have any ideas how to solve this?

What can we do together to move forward?

I understand. How would you do it then?

Can you tell me more about your ideas?

Can you tell me more about what you think about this?

If we could start over, what would you want me to do differently?

If we could start over, what could you try differently?

What would you like to do differently?

Let’s rewind and try again.

Would you like to help me?

I see. Now what should be our next step?

May I help you?

Let’s try this again, this time together.

Let’s try this again, can you show me your way?

Let’s try this again. This time I will follow you, then you can follow me.

How about we take turns?

Can you think of a solution?

Would you like to hear my idea?

I would love to hear your ideas.

Do you have any ideas you want to share?

Let’s work together!

That might work. Shall we try it then?

Anyone want to pitch in?

This isn’t working, but maybe together we can think of way that will work.

Can you show me how?

What if we did this in a different way?

What if you tried it like this?

Would you like a helping hand?

What phrases would you add to the list?

Happy Sunday,

Sharing four articles today, a range of topics from reading, crying to potty issues.

For the upcoming week, I will be posting a lovely and insightful interview with Kelly Bartlett who is a fellow Positive Discipline Parenting Educator, some ideas to enhance cooperation and how to deal with messy messy play!

From Boston.com The poop wars: why Miralax is just a band-aid 

From Aha!Parenting Raise a Child Who Loves to Read

From Parenting from Scratch To Help Kids Process Emotions, Ask, “How Was That?” 

From The Guardian Should you allow your baby to cry at night – or should you give in?

If you missed it, here is the weekend challenge: Moving Beyond Perfection

Wishing you a wonderful day!

Peace & Be Well,

Ariadne

I’m joining Authentic Parenting and Hobo Mama for Sunday Surf. Share your best reading of the week, and link up your post at either blog!

For more great reading, visit Hobo Mama or Authentic Parenting for the latest Sunday Surf and linky.

Happy Surfing!

We don’t have to be  perfect parents to be loving, caring, supportive parents. Our children should not have to be perfect to receive our affection and attention.

When we become more realistic in our expectations of ourselves and our children we can start to truly enjoy the gift that it is to be together and focus on building a relationship and a life full of meaningful moments.

This weekend, notice when you are expecting perfection and notice if you can simply instead accept mistakes, appreciate effort and then simply move on. Try to move into the next moment, without fixing, demanding, dissaproving, simply move on, into a space of acceptance, love,  appreciation and connection.

Peace & Be Well,
Ariadne

Image(s): FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Welcome to the May edition of the Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival, hosted by Authentic Parenting and Mudpiemama. This month’s topic is “Parenting Practices and Criticism”. Please scroll down to the end of this post to find a list of links to the entries of the other participants. Enjoy!

When I became a parent, I realized that parenting and perfectionism are like oil and water, they just don’t mix. I also realized that parenting choices and criticism were like magnets, somehow always attracting each other.

It doesn’t matter how hard one tries to be the perfect parent, there are too many circumstances, to many variables, suggestions, ideas, possibilities, expert and not so expert opinions, guides and books out there that may challenge or criticize whatever choice you may make.

Parenting has been an excellent rehab exercise for overcoming perfectionism and handling criticism. Over time I have learned to deal with the pressure I put on myself and the pressure I imagine from others to be perfect. It’s not that other people’s opinions, ideas and challenges can’t or don’t matter. They can and sometimes do. Encouraging words from even total strangers and finding like minded parents  is great.   Criticism, opposing views, suggestions, all have the potential to be opportunities for reflection, a chance to fix mistakes, re-align our thoughts. Other times however, it’s just the sock police and well…you just can’t bother about the sock police!

Who is the sock police? When my second child was about a year and half old, he decided socks were not something he would actually be wearing. To get to his socks, he had to take off his shoes, and so, it was not uncommon to spot him with no socks and no shoes at various times of the day and really any place. This was, I learned rather quickly, according to all the elderly ladies in our village, a horrible, terrible, no good thing to allow my child to do. I was told, admonished and counseled so often on the sock issue that I dubbed the elderly ladies “the sock police”. They were so sure that their way was the right way. Maybe it was…for them. For my toddler with hot, hot feet, not so much!

It may be our choices regarding sleep, feeding, comforting or discipline that bring about some kind of “sock police” around. It may be our families or friends just don’t understand the choices we make because they are so different from their own. Those choices or other people’s reactions to our choices may make us question ourselves, but that is really ok.  By questioning myself I usually either affirm my choices or seek the information to make a new, better, more researched, more fitting choice. In the end though, I will never be the perfect parent, I will never please all the different parenting choice patrols and I am cool with that.

Wait, I’m not just cool with that. I don’t  want to be perfect! I know that daily I am modeling life choices to my children and I don’t want them to grow up thinking they have to be perfect. I would rather they learn how to deal with inevitable imperfection instead. I want them to have the fortitude to be themselves and the courage to be make mistakes.

If they hear someone criticize me, they can see me smile and hear me say, “Thanks for telling me that” then we can talk about it,  and hopefully they will learn that sometimes others will have something not so nice to say about us but it doesn’t have to bring us down, and we can learn to respect differing opinions too.

I want my children to see that we are diverse, fallible creatures that can reflect, learn and grow. So there, I don’t want us to be perfect and if people have a need to point out our flaws and “bad” choices so be it! I am not the perfect parent, my kids are not perfect kids…this isn’t to say that I don’t find my kids awesome, because of course I do.

Have you had a run in with the sock police? What about another kind of parenting choice patrol? How do you handle it?

Peace & Be Well,

Ariadne

Visit The Positive Parenting Connection and Authentic Parenting to find out how you can participate in the next Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Stepping out of the box and dealing with criticism   — Stoneageparent shares how she deals with criticism over her parenting choices 
• BEWARE of Sanctimommy — Amanda at Blinded by the Light talks about how recognizing your own inner-sanctimommy and how it will facilitate ways to deal with other criticism in your life.
• We’re on the same team — Brittany from The Pistachio Project shares about how we should support and respect each other because we already get enough criticism from the outside world.
• 30 Responses To Parenting Criticisms — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares 30 ways in which you can respond to parenting criticisms. 
• A Case for the Dramatic — A smart-alec response to a stranger’s view by Jennifer from True Confessions of a Real Mommy.
• I Could Never… — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses how the phrase “I could never” really means “I would never want to” and how owning our words and actions can lead to understanding and empathy.
• Admiration For A Parent’s Strength— Jennifer at Our Muddy Boots shares her admiration for parents who continue  to make parenting choices in the best interest of their child even when those closest to them disagree.
• Assumption Free Zone — Paige @ Baby Dust Diaries challenges us to cultivate kindness for everyone; even if you disagree with them.
• Perfection, Criticism, Parenting and The Sock Police — Ariadne @ The Positive Parenting Connection is sharing how parenting has been an excercise in overcoming perfectionism and handling criticism.
• Silencing the Voices In My Head — At Authentic Parenting, Laura writes about fighting her inner critic. 
• Tackled from the Sidelines — Marisa from Deliberate Parenting reveals what parenting choices she makes that are most often questioned and how she is coming peacefully to the defense of her decisions.
• Different Strokes — Justine from The Lone Home Ranger shares the method she uses to explain her family’s “crunchy” differences to her preschooler.

The morning rush…getting dressed, teeth brushed, to find that back pack, or a favorite teddy.  Sometimes our children just start taking their sweet old time getting ready.  The clock starts ticking, and everyone feels the crunch…What’s a parent to do to get kids out the door on time without being a drill sergeant, without threats or constant nagging?

Here are 10 Positive Strategies to Get Children To Stop Dawdling:

Stay connected

Rushing around shouting orders and nagging can frazzle and discourage a child. The possibility of having to separate from you for all or part of the day can certainly be a factor that could be slowing a child down as well. Build in enough time in the morning to find a moment to connect, even if it is brief. Great ways to stay connected are to have a family breakfast, build in enough time to have a morning snuggle before the morning routine starts and checking in with each other for a hug between say, putting on shoes and actually heading out the door.

Adjust timing & expectations

Make sure you are waking up with enough time to get your things done but also with enough time to be supportive of your child(ren). Some children are happy to go through their routine all on their own, other young children still prefer to have help, even at five or six years of age.  So, if your three year old needs help getting a shirt buttoned up or your five year old needs help getting hair detangled, or if your child needs company and encouragement, being available and having that time always built in to the routine is really important. On the flip side, if your child wants privacy to get cleaned and dressed, respect that, just let them know when you will be leaving and then, follow through.

Give choices but keep them limited

Children love to make choices but choosing what to wear, what to eat, which task to do first all while being on a time crunch can be overwhelming for some children.   By limiting the choices, a child still has control over certain decisions but can better navigate the morning routine. For example, have a set menu for breakfast with two options you know your child will eat is more time efficient than asking “what do you want for breakfast?”  and waiting for the answer, just to discover you don’t even have what they asked for in the house.

Prepare ahead

Right along with limiting choices, preparing ahead is a great way to save some time and avoid confusion. Make a habit of encouraging your child to pick out the next day’s outfit in advance.  Have a set place for hanging coats, stowing shoes, make sure your kids get these prepared ahead of time too.  Do the same thing for your own things too.  At our house,  we pre-set the table for family breakfast in the evenings shaving off quite some time in the morning.

Use a routine chart

When children know what their routine is they are more able to follow it and make choices that will lead to everyone getting out the door together.  An effective routine chart serves as a visual guide, it needs to be somewhere accessible and it should be specific to your child.  Don’t have a chart yet?  How about inviting your child to help make one? The chart is also helpful because it helps reduce the nag factor.

Ask instead of Nag

If your child starts dawdling, don’t repeat yourself over and over. It’s tiring for you and probably not going to speed things up.  Instead, try asking something along the lines of:

*What steps on your routine have you completed?

*What is the next thing on your routine you will be doing?

*What if anything do you need to finish so we can get out the door?

*Is there something I can help you with so we can all go?

Involve & Encourage

Making your child have an important job in the morning routine can be a great motivator to stop the dawdling. My five year old is responsible for opening the van door in our garage every morning, but he knows he cannot do this task unless he is actually ready to leave the house.  I make sure to thank him every morning for opening the door for me. It may seem trivial, but this job gives my five year something to look forward to.  My two year old carries the empty shopping bags to the car, my three year old clicks the garage remote…small tasks, but really these are important and make them feel involved.

Accountability with empathy

Hold yourself accountable for getting things prepared ahead of time and for staying connected. Hold your child accountable for following their routine and preparing ahead too. For instance, If they forget something and it really is too late to dash back inside the house to grab it then, empathize, comfort them through their disappointment but don’t go back.

Avoid creating tension

Remember the song from Alice in wonderland:

I’m late, I’m late for
A very important date.
No time to say hello, good-bye,
I’m late, I’m late, I’m late…

Sometimes when I find myself wanting to rush the kids around and shout, come on! we are getting late! I remember that song and it always makes me smile. Frazzling the children, when they are still learning about the concept of time in the first place is neither helpful nor constructive. Instead, I look for concrete ways that I can actually help speed things along and try my hardest to avoid saying “we are running late”.

Family Meetings

 If you have a routine, time is adjusted, you have regular special time, and you are holding everyone accountable and your child is still really struggling with the morning routine, have a family meeting  to address the to discover some of the reasons your child is reluctant to get out the door.  Try to listen and possibly re-adjust to find a balance that works for the whole family.

Do you have a strategy for being on time, do you run late or a mix of both?

Please Join me and the growing community of parents over at Positive Parenting Connection on Facebook!!

Peace & Be Well,

Ariadne

Welcome to the Carnival of Weaning: Weaning – Your Stories

This post was written for inclusion in the Carnival of Weaning hosted by Code Name: Mama and Aha! Parenting. Our participants have shared stories, tips, and struggles about the end of the breastfeeding relationship.

Breastfeeding is a special time for both moms and babies. Often when mothers talk about weaning, they compare notes on the crying, the engorgement, the hassle and the confusion that it caused. The good news is that weaning can be a gentle and positive experience full of joy both for mom and child.  In deciding when the right time to wean is, I encourage mothers to find the timing that works best for them and their child.

This particular post is intended for moms that are interested, contemplating or committed to gently supporting their child towards self-weaning.

Children that are given the chance to self-wean usually do so sometime well after their first birthday and before their sixth birthday.  My two oldest children weaned near to their second birthday’s,  my youngest daughter just turned two and is now only nursing three times in any given day.My children’s self-weaning was very sweet and special and a process that unfolded over several months, each when they were ready.

These are three special ways to gently work towards weaning:

Make meals matter

 One component of breastfeeding is nutrition. Breast milk is rich in nutrients that are vital to babies development in the first year and continues to have fantastic benefits well beyond the first twelve months. In order to make the transition from breast to solid foods positive, I tried to offered really tasty and fun snacks and meals to my nurslings in between nursing sessions.

Snack and meal times were treated with the same kind of gentle attention that was given to breastfeeding. Paying attention to my children, watching them investigate their food, allowing them to explore the contents of their plate (much like a nursling enjoys patting an arm or back, twirling hair or examining a necklace) allowing my children to fully become acquainted with what they were eating was important for both of us.

Respecting tastes that did not sit well with them and also allowing my children to set the pace and accept when they no longer wanted to eat their food was important too.  When breastfeeding, if my child was full they could latch off, they set the pace,  so with a plate of food, if they said “all done” and pushed food away or started throwing the food down, I respected that it was the equivalent of a latch off and did not force them to have “just another bite” or to “clean their plate.”

The more enjoyable meal and snack time was the more interesting it became and so just breastfeeding when they could explore rich textures and flavors, the more food became their primary interest and thus primary source of nutrition.

Make time to connect

Another component of breastfeeding is nurturing. Babies naturally calm and love being snuggled and breastfed. For my children, the time spent breastfeeding was mostly also a lot of time spent cuddling, holding each other’s hands, enjoying each other’s company.  While I did spend time nursing at the keyboard, nursing while baby wearing and on the go, mostly, breastfeeding my children has been not only been about nutrition but also about connection.

Naturally, as my children grew from baby to toddler, we spent plenty of time doing things other than breastfeeding; playing, tummy time, reading, taking walks, singing and so on…Making sure to keep these opportunities to create connection when not breastfeeding was really important. I noticed that as my children were self-weaning, they would for example bring a book, ask to breastfeed but the time spent breastfeeding would get shorter and shorter as reading, playing, singing was becoming more interesting, until eventually the only nursing sessions were early morning and evening as they didn’t ask to breastfeed the rest of the day. But, if they did ask to be nursed, they did.

Add something special into the regular routine

In the evenings, after breastfeeding but before sleeping we have always had a tradition of telling stories that I make up.  As my children got older and were able to participate in the creative process of storytelling, I started asking them questions about the characters and plot, inviting the children to participate in the story-telling. By this point, when they could participate in the telling process they were toddlers and they were probably breastfeeding mostly just in the morning and in the evening.  The more involved they became in the storytelling, the more exciting it was to just get to “lights out” to start story telling time so they wanted to breastfeed less and less.  Adding something special to the routine can be as simple as a cool new handshake or a stuffed animal singing a song, and while there are no guarantees that it will be more interesting than a warm loving nursing session, it’s still something special to share so I highly recommend it! You can read a little bit about one of my boys very last nursing session here.

Where are you in your breastfeeding journey? Just starting, somewhere in the middle, leaning towards weaning? Do share below in the comments!

Peace & Be Well,

MudpieMama

 

Thank you for visiting the Carnival of Weaning hosted by Dionna at Code Name: Mama and Dr. Laura at Aha! Parenting.

(This list will be live amind updated by afternoon May 21 with all the carnival links.)

• On Breastfeeding, Weaning, and One Mother’s Identity — Jessica at Natural Parents Network has been nursing one or more of her children since 1993 – breastfeeding is wrapped up in her concept of mothering and herself. She shares her thoughts on weaning.
• two tales of weaning — Aspen at Aspen Mama writes about their countdown to wean.
• Wean Me Gently — Tam at Please Send Parenting Books shares a beautiful weaning ceremony.
• You say potato, I say bleeeuuuuch… — Anelie at Mindcradle had read the books and knew just how to introduce her baby son to solids—unfortunately, he had other ideas.
• A Post Called Weaning — (Not) Maud at Awfully Chipper writes about how weaning her son took longer than she expected.
• On Weaning, Pregnancy and Emotion — Shannon at The Artful Mama talks about her mixed emotions as she allows her son, Little Man, to guide her through his weaning process.
• half of her life — Staci at Springpatch Jam looks back on her nursing relationship with her first born.
• Is it just this After Forty Mom or is it harder to wean when its your last? — Amanda of After Forty Mom shares her emotional journey towards the impending self-weaning of her toddler daughter.
• Nursing Limits — Jorje of Momma Jorje shares how she has weaned her toddler down to minimal nursing and her guilt about the decision to do so.
• Weaning Video Series #1: Preparation for the Weaning Process — Why is weaning such a taboo topic? Dionna at Code Name: Mama got mamas from across the blogosphere to start talking about weaning – on video. Come check out the first video in a series of five that she’ll be posting this week.
• Weaning due to anxiety — Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes talks about how she had to wean to preserve her mental health.
• When Will I Wean? A Guest Post — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama hosts a guest post from a mama who contemplates when her breastfeeding relationship will end.
• On His Own Terms — Momeeezen shares her heartbreak from when her son weaned much earlier than she anticipated.
• Our Weaning Story – Sudden, Surprised, and Embracing a New Season — Weaning doesn’t always go how we imagine. That Mama Gretchen shares the story of her daughter’s sudden weaning and how she has embraced this new season of motherhood.
• A Tale of Two Weanings — Valerie at Momma in Progress shares the similarities and differences of how her nursing relationships with her now six-year-old and four-year-old daughters came to a close.
• She Doesn’t Remember — Alicia at Lactation Narration finds that her 6 year old no longer remembers nursing, only one year after weaning.
• It’s The End of the World As We Know It — A story about the end of a tandem nursing relationship on Never Mind The Rain: A toddler moves on to a new phase in her life before mom is fully ready.
• A Natural End To Our Breastfeeding Relationship — With two self-weaning children, Jennifer at Our Muddy Boots does not know when the end will come, but that it will be natural and without regrets.
• Child-Led weaning: It’s Not Extreme; It’s Biological — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children explains why child-led weaning is based on biology rather than social constraints.
• 6 Years of Natural Weaning in 5 Steps — Jess at miniMum shares how and why she let her first child stop when he was good and ready.

• Is This Weaning?: A Tandem Nursing Update — Sheila at A Living Family bares all her tandem nursing hopes and fears during what feels like the beginning of the end for her toddler nursing relationship.
• Memories of Weaning: Unique and Gentle — Cynthia at The Hippie Housewife shares her weaning experiences with her two sons, each one unique in how it happened and yet equally gentle in its approach.
• Weaning Aversion’ — Gentle Mama Moon shares her experience of nursing and unplanned weaning due to pregnancy-induced ‘feeding aversion’.
• Three Months Post-Mup: An Evolution of Thoughts On Weaning — cd at FidgetFace describes a brief look at her planned (but accelerated) weaning, as well as one mamma’s evolution on weaning (and extended nursing)
• Weaning my Tandem Nursed Toddler — After tandem nursing for a year, Melissa at Permission to Live felt like weaning her older child would be impossible, but now she shares how gentle weaning worked for her 2 1/2 year old.
• Every Journey Begins with One Step — As Hannabert begins the weaning process, Hannah at Hannah and Horn‘s super power is diminishing.
• Reflections on Weaning – Love Changes Form — Amy from Presence Parenting (guest posting at Dulce de Leche) shares her experience and approach of embracing weaning as a continual process in parenting, not just breastfeeding.
• Weaning Gently: Three Special Ideas for Success — MudpieMama shares three ideas that help make weaning a gentle and special journey.
• Guest Post: Carnival of Weaning — Emily shares her first weaning experience and her hopes for her second nursling in a guest post on Farmer’s Daughter.
• 12 Tips for Gentle Weaning — Dr. Laura at Aha! Parenting describes the process of gentle weaning and gives specific tips to make weaning an organic, joyful ripening.
• Quiz: Should You Wean for Fertility Treatments? — Paige at Baby Dust Diaries talks about the key issues in the difficult decision to wean for infertility treatments.
• I thought about weaning… — Kym at Our Crazy Corner of the World shares her story of how she thought about weaning several times, yet it still happened on its own timeline.
• Celebrating Weaning — Amy at Anktangle reflects on her thoughts and feelings about weaning, and she shares a quick tutorial for one of the ways she celebrated this transition with her son: through a story book with photographs!
• Naturally Weaning Twins — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings discusses the gradual path to weaning she has taken with her preschool-aged twins.
• Gentle Weaning Means Knowing When to Stop — Claire at The Adventures of Lactating Girl writes about knowing when your child is not ready to wean and taking their feelings into account in the process.
• Weaning, UnWeaning, and ReWeaning — Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy discovers non-mutal weaning doesn’t have to be the end. You can have a do-over.
• Prelude to weaning — Lauren at Hobo Mama talks about a tough tandem nursing period and what path she would like to encourage her older nursling to take.
• Demands of a Nursing Kind — Amy Willa at Me, Mothering, and Making it All Work shares her conflicted feelings about nursing limits and explores different ways to achieve comfort, peace, and bodily integrity as a nursing mother.
• Breastfeeding: If there’s one thing I know for sure… — Wendy at ABCs and Garden Peas explores the question: How do you know when it’s time to wean?
• Five, Four, Three, Two, One, Two, Three? — Zoie at TouchstoneZ discusses going from 3 nurslings down to 1 and what might happen when her twins arrive.

Sometimes parenting does not go the way we planned, things seems to be going wrong, or just not the way we thought it would or “should” be. Maybe our child(ren) are not cooperating or listening, they are clingy or the days feel long or we don’t get enough sleep, patience or time just runs out.

When things go wrong, we may feel bad, incompetent, sad, frustrated or all of the above.  Yet if we reach within, we can find hope. We can hope that things will get better; we can hope that we will find our way, that we will find a solution or at least the chance to try again.

Today, if you are feeling like something is not going right, look inwards, find that hope, the beacon that guides you and then share that hope with someone. When we share our hope, it grows, it becomes stronger, and then, so do we!

Peace & Be Well,

Ariadne

Parents often believe that demanding obedience from their child is the only way to get them to do what the parents expect of them, like doing homework, brushing teeth, cleaning up and so on. The problem is, obedience implies that a child is doing something without any choice, simply complying with a command. Demanding obedience thus comes at a high cost of squashing a child’s self-esteem and abilitiy to learn self-discipline. ( Read more on that here)

So, if not obedience, then what?  What can a parent do, what should a parent do when they wonder:How do I get my child to do his homework? How do I get my child to take her medicine? How do I get my toddler to pick up her toys? How do I get my child to help around the house?

Well, first we can stop focusing on GETTING and instead focus on inviting and welcoming cooperation to create a relationship with our children in which they WANT to do these things, yes, even take medicine and do homework.

See, unlike obedience, with cooperation a child is choosing to do something, participating in the decision making process and learning how and what such choices can lead to. This way, everyone feels in command of their own body, mind, choices and actions and then things just tend to run much smoother.

So, how can a parent create a relationship with their child that invites cooperation?

While there are many positive parenting tools that foster cooperation these are five of them to get started:

Give Choices

When we give our children choices, we are restoring to them some control over their own world and body.   When given choices a child also starts to form a concept of self-discipline and capability. Choices can be limited to help the process and provide safety. For example, for a child climbing on furniture, skip yelling NO and demanding that they get down. Try instead: “I see you feel like climbing, but, the countertop is for preparing meals. Would you like to go to the yard and climb the slide or to the play room and jump on the trampoline?”  Another instance is crossing the street. Holding a hand is non negotiable, but which hand or even which finger for a little one, well that could be a choice!

Respect Individuality

Just like adults have preferences over what they enjoy eating, what music they enjoy listening to, what store they want to shop at, children have preferences. What’s more, as they are growing and learning about themselves these preferences change, sometimes daily, sometimes hourly. Respecting a child’s desire to wear a side-ways pony tail or to have pants on backwards or to play with the same puzzle forty times in a row is really ok.  It may not be your taste or your personal choice but it is what your child needs/wants at that moment, if it is not harming or threating anyone then why not try to respect it?

Adjust expectations

Know what your child is able to do at each age and stage and adjust accordingly. For example, you would like for the toys in the playroom to be cleaned up, but there are hundreds of small Legos everywhere. If it looks overwhelming to you, you can bet that even though a five year old may have happily dumped the Legos out and played for hours, it’s just too much to envision cleaning it all up on their own. Skip the demands and or nagging and instead offer to help clean up, and even better, try to make it fun! Similarly, a teenager cannot do homework if a television is taunting their attention and a toddler cannot be expected to sit quietly, empty handed in a waiting room.

Hold yourself accountable to the NOTs

Obedience often centers on wanting children NOT to do certain things. Not jump on furniture, not eat too much candy, not to poke their younger brother.  What part do you play in all these NOTs? Do you leave candy where it can be reached? Do you leave two young children unattended? Sometimes looking at what we as parents need to do to prevent a situation is much more effective than demanding compliance in impossible situations.

Acknowledge & Follow Through

As parents, as hard as it may be when we are pressed for time, stressed and tired, we need to honor and welcome the thoughts that our children are having. At least acknowledging the thought is a good step, for example If your child wants to know why you have decided to do something. “I hear you have questions, I want to answer you. Let’s talk about that at home before story time when I have time to really explain myself.” Later, when you do have time, DO follow through, answer those questions, welcome more questions and you will ultimately build a relationship of trust and true cooperation.

You can find more ideas and examples on compliance versus cooperation here.

Parenting is a daily learning experience and sure there are moments when we absolutely believe we NEED our children to do certain things, but approaching the vast majority of the situations in a positive and cooperative fashion can only lead to stronger and more connected relationships, ones that lead our children to feel empowered, confident and ultimately WANT to do that which we believe they NEED to do! So will you give it a try? Next time you want your child to obey you, will you try one of these alternatives instead?

Are you struggling with cooperation at home?  Share in the comments what your struggle is (toothbrushing, picky eating, clean up, homework, potty problems etc…) and three comments selected at random will receive some positive pointers, ideas and inspiration for change.

Do you want more ideas, tools, inspiration and guidance to bring more positive into your parenting? Join me and the growing community over at Positive Parenting Connection on Facebook!

Peace & Be Well,

Ariadne