MuguRe

Lemon! Tequila! Salt!

2011-07-21T14:09:00.002+03:00

A pitcher of lemonade, ice cubes clinking, an absolutely hot day. That works well, doesn't it? You raise the glass to your lips, tip your head back and drink deep!Hmmmm....bliss! Maybe that's the picture you should hold in your mind when life throws you more lemons than you can handle. Or so you think. Probably that's what whoever coined that phrase was thinking. Then again you could get the bottle of tequila out with some salt and take some shots, preferably with a pal who can hold your hand to cross the road for it's okay to experience the lemons at a personal level.

Whichever way you wanna handle the lemons that come your way, it's imperative that you handle them. Because lemons will come. And some of us get sacks of them at a time, while others seems to get a few every other year and others still, seem more blessed and get none.

I believe lemons either thrown at you or your friends are opportunities for growth. Unfortunately, when they come our way, we bemoan our fate and repeat to all and sundry just how much misfortune has befallen us. We completely miss the ultimate lesson. THANKSGIVING!

Everything changes when we give thanks, especially when we give thanks for the lemons. I am not sure how it happens but as we give thanks, the pain seems to ease, becomes easier to handle and the days stop dragging. When we experience the pains our friends go through, our own problems suddenly become trivial, we stop complaining about just how much work is on our desks when we have a friend who just can't seem to get a job; our need for more money to buy that shoe or that handbag becomes secondary when we have friends who cannot put a decent meal on the table because all their money is used up in medical bills.

Lemons must come our way to keep us grounded on a human level, to teach us to love and appreciate each other, to allow us to be more compassionate and giving of ourselves.

So, when life gives you lemons, get the tequila and salt. Or the juicer and ice cubes and have some lemonade. The most important part of this ritual - THANKSGIVING.

What's With Grief?

2011-07-21T13:58:00.002+03:00

That it catches up with you,

in the middle of a laugh,

a smile, quiet, easy moments

And the pain is sharp,

doubles you up into a foetal position

You catch your breathe, try to smile

Push the overwhelming emotions back

Get up and get on with life

But it binds you to your favorite seat or corner of your bed

Or on the floor of the shower,

masking the gut tearing sobs

The sense of loss, helplessness,

anger and frustration

You are now crying , asking the usual questions,

Why, Oh God, why?

You want to understand this loss, make sense of the pain

It will probably make it easier, you know, to let go

But that's just the thing with grief

The more you try to make sense of it, understand it,

The more it seems to hurt,

because you can't really make sense of it

You need to accept the pain

by cherishing the memories, good and bad

Kinda appreciate them, in a sense of gratitude

Until grief losses it's power over you

That's the thing with grief!

.

BoneMarrowDanceRocks

2011-07-21T13:06:00.002+03:00

Tonight my soul arose
In a beat that stroked
In the quiet of the night.
Captured my spirit,
Swaying in rhythm
Seeping into ma skin,
Vibrating through ma flesh
To rattle ma bones
To reach the marrow within
Until all of me was fluid

THRUMMING

2011-07-21T12:58:00.002+03:00

It's cold and rainy
With striking lights across the sky
And sounds that growl
Long into the night
Long streaky tears on my window
Yet the thrumming sound nudges
Into uneasy wakefulness
I reach out for comfort
And grasp air
And a cold, impersonal pillow
And the thrumming accelerates
With confusion and uncertainy
Were you really here
Or did I just dream it?

ReneéJ

TIME MARCHES ON

2011-07-21T12:42:00.007+03:00

Earlier this month, 9th July to be precise I shared this note on Facebook. Time really does march on. The sun rises and sets each day effortlessly it seems, yet joy and pain require more effort to work with. Each is a little better than the last though. For that, I am grateful.

It's exactly a year later; almost to the hour when I got the news that my big brother, Chanjo was no more. I remember how the calming words of the Psalmist floated and I wrote down, "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me, thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me" and little did I know that at that moment my brother took his last breath. I still miss him, his funny stories, his easy way of taking life in his stride, no matter what he brought his way, his endless love for his boys and dedication to each one of his siblings.

Today was made difficult because of memories and realization that you cannot turn back the hands of time. When time has passed, it has passed and whatever it brings your way you accept what you cannot change, change what you can and grow some. The pain doesnt grow and you thank God for that because when you count your blessings and walk in gratitude for the time God gave you, He ensures that your joy multiplies in the memories.

It is not an easy journey and some days the strength to get up and move is almost non-existent. So, you reach out to the gifts around you, - be it the sun, open countryside, your siblings, your children, your friends, your job - things that continue to add to your life and you give thanks and you are strengthened for the day and the next one and the next one.

I have cried this morning. My heart was heavy and then I remembered this verse that a friend shared with us in our time of grief:

Lamentations 3:31-33

For no one is cast off by God forever.

Though He brings grief,

He will show compassion,

So great is His unfailing love.

For He does not willingly bring affliction

Or grief to anyone.

And for sure, in His unfailing love, He continues to bring us the healing we need. And Chanjo continues to live in these words:

I am still here

Because you are here

I still live in each one of you;

In your smiles

In your tears

In your laughter

In your talks

In your quiet moments

I am still here

Just Rambling On....

2011-06-16T22:40:00.001+03:00

You know, it's another month since you moved to another dimension. A dimension where we have one sided conversations going on....you know, me rambling on and imagining your answers. I am still pissed off with you for leaving so soon though it's not as crazy bad as Dec, 2010. The pain is there but I am remembering you without crying my heart out, the tears still fall but as if you are here wiping them away and whispering it's all good, the flow stops and I catch a smile. I hear again what you told me when I wouldn't stop mourning for John all those years and Chanjo last year and I know for a fact you wouldn't want me crying my eyes out.

Still, I wish you were here. There are conversations that I can only have with you, just one gesture and you would know what I was saying. So many things to laugh over, and marvel and decide on! Well, remember the car? I finally got a car but you know the way I dislike driving, right?! Good thing that I live in a country as superb as Kenya.....I got me a driver to pick me and drop me home; basically chauffer me around. Loolest! I know! Totally extravagant! But why not?! I have had the car for two weeks now, drove it the first time today. My left leg hasn't had this much exercise since ever! Arrrgh! This is really hard work and I really miss you here....you would still do the driving ta imajini? Lol! I guess I better get the hang of it so that I can get around easily.

The Alphabet of Life by Iyanla Vanzant*

2011-03-31T13:13:00.001+03:00

The Alphabet of Life*

*From Iyanla Vanzant's Until Today! (March 31)

I open my heart and mind to be aware… how my ABCs will lift my spirit

Almighty Creator of the Universe

Beloved Father, Mother, God

Create in me a clean heart this day

Deliver me from the limitations of the ego

Exalt Your presence in my mind

Forgive all that I have held against you, myself and others

Grant me peace this day

Hold me steadfastly within the boundaries of Your truth

Inspire my heart to know You, my ears to hear You and my eyes to recognize You

Justify me in the presence of all enemies

Knead my heart with words of kindness

Let no harm befall me or my loved ones

May all I do this day glorify You

Nourish me with Your wisdom

Open my eyes to know Your truth

Purge my heart of all things that are offensive to Your law

Quiet my soul in the midst of confusion

Renew my connection to You

Save me from my secret fears

Teach me to trust You at all times

Use all that You have given me to serve You

Victory for Your cause is my desire

Walk with me so that my strength will never be diminished

Xamine my heart continually

Your love and grace are my good fortune

Zealously I commit myself to Your will for my life

Until today, you may not have been aware of the power of knowing the alphabet.

Just for today, practice making each letter in the alphabet come alive in your life.

Today I am devoted to relearning the entire alphabet of life!

What Was That?!

2011-01-12T00:01:00.001+03:00

I remember January 2010. I was excited. I took the day off to celebrate my birthday. Jan was definitely a happy month. Then Feb came along and the chips turned. My childhood BFF became a widow from a freaky mo'bike accident, just like that Adnan was gone. And the year took on a new feel, a heaviness that was well, heavy. I kept thinking of Kwix and Iraq and wishing him well. March was great, he got out of Iraq, safe and sound. There was a collective sigh of relief. I don't remember much else apart from planning end March to go on safari. April ambled in and off we went to Baringo, laughter, jokes, serious confessionals from the long drive seemed inevitable. Well, hell broke loose from a simple phone.....a phone call that I thought was bringing me Easter greetings and.....some twenty years later that was the end of my fabulous trip to Baringo...... Kwix was dead. I still remember the pain in the pit of my womb and the tears that wouldn't stop falling. I am not sure what happened in May 2010, I was in a kind of daze and I made plans to move.....didn't know where. June found me living with Suzs and it was fabulous. And as we were settling in, I remember a conversation with my big brother.....mundane conversation about bills and how goes life.....the calls you handle casually, always assuming that there will be a next time. That was on Monday in July. Suddenly it was Wednesday and he was in hospital and Friday we were talking with Suzs, trying to get to move him to another hospital and suddenly I wrote in my office diary 'Yeah though I walk
through the valley of death, I will fear no evil' and a very uncanny peace came over me. It was about 10.30am and the phone call came and yes, he was gone. I took a deep breath and drew strength from God knows where and went off to pick up Suzs and my other siblings. I wasn't going to cry.....I couldn't afford to cry anyway, not in the office, in the presence of everyone and definitely not before the family gathered. The tears came, gut wrenching tears and I missed John all over again.....some twenty years later...an older brother who was gone before I got to know him. And just when I was thinking the pain was over.....Dec rolled in and death showed up again and took my Suzs, just as unexpectedly.

Now as I struggle to understand 2010, to make sense of the pain, I find myself referring to the Book of Job in the Bible – Job3:4-10 and want to paraphrase to 'May 2010 be forgotten, may it be erased from
existence'. Yet, it's the same year that I have made some deep emotional connection without fear or strife. Unfortunately, the pain has overshadowed all the fabulous moments of 2010 and all I am left with are questions that beg for answers yet I know they will not make sense. So, the biggest questions is, 'Is there really a bigger picture or is it a bigger frame?' I still don't get it.

A Month & Counting

2011-01-11T22:50:00.001+03:00

It's 2011. Already?! So soon! And life goes on or so they say. Yet, I wake up thinking of you, of conversations we need to have, of advice I need to give and receive, of laughter to share, of Hot Lemon Ginger and cake at Java, the shopping sessions, of course with me not amused at how long you would take. I shake my head with disbelief at several intervals as the day goes on. Will this nightmare end? How will you know about Prada? Can you tell? Is this a path I should be on? Do you get the joy all this brings in the midst of a pain so tangible? Life seems the same yet I feel naked, bereft and in need of a hiding place. I am still pissed off, you know that right? We had plans, we were gonna start living life, remember? You let go! Why? It wasn't time, was it really? And you know what is annoying me some more, the fact that I can't break down, let the pain flood because it's really huge and I am alone and damn! what if I died? Silly, I know but I remember years back, many years back......waking up crying that you were gone and thinking I would die if you did. So, you see, now that you are gone, I cannot let myself cry like I did then. I know I still need to be here, take care of our babies and keep the story of you alive. Else how will they know?

Lol! Guess what, I am keeping up with the Hollywood 411! Crazy! Fashion faux pas, who divorced who, regular muhahes that you always seemed to know. Hmmm....must be you still. Work, well you know me, workaholic me, and every time I reach for my phone to call you and tell you what the boss is pissing me about or to ask what to do about this or that staff issue. Skype 411 isn't happening, you know? Do you think she will handle and Skype me soon? I give her time......just as you would tell me. Arsenal are still getting their asses kicked and you know I cannot deal with losing......yer, ta imajini? I may need to recruit someone to jeer and cheer with Kris when Man U kick Arssenal ass again. Ooops! Did I say that? Loolest!

I miss you in a way that cannot be expressed in words. It's like our baby girl asking if you took your phone with you and will you pick up if we call? Just to hear your voice again. To hear you laugh. To hug you. To hang out and sleep all day in between watching movies and snacking. And you rib me for being lazy! Just a moment of the mundane-ness of life would be a welcome reprieve just about now.

Well, I am here and you are not. Everyday I will need to get used to not having you here....I will have to accept that you aren't coming back. Slowly I am getting to the beginning of that end, an end that I didn't sign up for. So, you will get to hear more rambling such as these. Especially since sleep is becoming a wee bit elusive.Though I am pissed off, I still love you.

MuguRe: Capt. Kwame K. Waikenda

2010-04-17T17:27:00.000+03:00

MuguRe: Capt. Kwame K. Waikenda

Capt. Kwame K. Waikenda

2010-04-11T10:35:00.002+03:00

HIGH FLIGHT

Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth

And danced the skies on laughter—silvered wings;

Sunward I have climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth

Of sun—spilt clouds, - and done a hundred things

You have not dreamed of—

Wheeled and soared and swung

High in the sunlit silence,

Hov'ring there

I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung

My eager craft though footless halls of air...............

Up, up the long, delirious burning blue

I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace

Where never lark or ever eagle flew—

And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod

The high un-trespassed sanctity of space,

Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.

- John Gillespie Magee, Jr.

Spellbound

2009-07-29T23:57:00.004+03:00

I looked at you,

Our eyes met and held

In that moment you cast your spell

I looked away but the damage, already done

I left but my soul lingered and merged with yours

I ran away but my heartbeat was left at your feet

Beating to a rhythm you orchestrated.

I keep coming back when I shouldn't

Keep holding on when it's much safer

To run like the wind in the opposite direction

You are my life, my soul, my heart

So intertwined we are

I am lost when you are gone

My reason to be more dwindles without you

I breathe you in and fall in love with each heave

Unconditionally you come in and my arms keep you in

This spell is stronger than both of us

What good shall come of it?

I have tried to dispel it

But I seem to weave more than unweave

I am you

You are me

Spellbound to eternity

PRIVATE PARTY

2009-07-29T23:17:00.001+03:00

I am listening to India Ire sing 'Private Party'. A celebration of the woman she has become. So, when was the last time you threw yourself a party, did all your favourite things in the world, shut out the rest of the world and sat with you, laughed, sang, danced and cried? Cleansed your body and soul of the world tardiness, war and rumours of wars, hunger, lack, leftover anger at the persons you had allowed to hurt you, treat you like crap, took all you had and never gave back, for the family who constantly don't see or hear you, the friends who choose to become your enemies, the boss who never gives you credit or the colleague who just doesn't seem to get it?

How about throwing you that party? You go all out, get your favourite stuff together; a book, bubble bath, a great wine or chocolate vanilla ice cream; or the sinfully delicious cheese cake (forget the waistline for this once), some great music, hide away and give thanks for the person you have become, for the challenges you have gone through to be here. Forgive yourself for thinking less of yourself, for giving yourself less than you are worth, for allowing people to come in and hurt you, take from you and leave you running on empty. Forgive yourself for thinking that they have power over you, that you serve no purpose, for losing sight of the greatness that you are destined for. Know for a fact that no one can really hurt you but you and those unrealistic expectations.. That you can give yourself every wonderful thing you deserve and more. That when you finally love you the way you were meant to, you will give and give and give and give and give for you have love's prerogative – to give

So, every now and then, step back and throw yourself a private party and celebrate the person you are constantly becoming, getting renewed by appreciating your abilities, your challenges, your failures which give you the opportunity to know what doesn't work and needs to be thrown out. Sing, dance, jump with glee like a little child discovering the many great things that life has in store, just waiting for you to unravel the packages it's presented as your family, your friends, work.......

Go on.......have your party.

SOMETIMES

2009-05-31T00:39:00.004+03:00

Sometimes,
I catch a glimpse of you
In the million strangers
That I encounter in my daily life
Sometimes
I catch a glimpse of you
In someone else’s face
A smile given
A twinkle in the eye
A gentle touch felt
Sometimes
I catch a glimpse of you
In the perfect body movement
Swaying to a tune
Or walking down the street
Sometimes, yes sometimes
I catch a glimpse of you
In the everydayness of life
In things so typical
Yet they serve to remind me
That there is continuity
Of love
Of life
Of hope,
Of caring
So I continue to live.

Original composition for a friend from Rwanda Jeff Rwabudariko who died in a road accident.

ThE OnE

2009-05-31T00:18:00.004+03:00

I should have told him. She thought again, agonizing that the opportunity had passed. Her thoughts ran amok and her own voice screamed "I love you with everything in me. From the first moment I saw you, my heart skipped the proverbial beat, it felt like for a minute there, my breathing stopped. The same happens to me when I see you now." But she hadn't spoken a word because at the same moment she was thinking of everything he had put her through, knowing that she really owed him nothing, not even the time of day. Yet, she was stuck and couldn't stop thinking that he be all that and a bag of chips. Her heart seemed to have made a decision to love only him, as imperfect as he was. She loved him because doing so completed her, made her a better, happier person. She accepted that how she felt did not necessarily have to be at par with how he felt about her. She promised herself that she would grow in this relationship, tend to it with all the tenderness it required to bring it to an independent place, where it would continue to thrive.Therefore she decided to let him know that she was no longer afraid, that she choose life, life with him in it. The distance counted for nought when the joy of seeing him was something amazingly wonderful to look forward to. He was the one. He had always been , always would be the one.

SMILE

2009-05-30T23:49:00.001+03:00

I opened my eyes and smiled.
The sun was not streaming into my room, yet I smiled.
I smiled at the infinite possibilities that today would bring me,
I smiled as I received my blessings for the day, an hourly promise
I smiled as I said thank you for the smile that stretched my lips into a beautiful curve,
I smiled at the possibility to be all that I wanted and should be,
I smiled at the beauty of a gray day that made me hopeful of a speck of sunshine,
I smile now at the inspiration, drawn from the mundaness of the day,
I smile,
My heart skips a beat and leaps in a joyous dance,
My step is lighter, springier
And today, all is possible.
So, I smile some more.

Here We Are

2009-05-28T19:09:00.003+03:00

Doing a dance. Stepping hesitantly towards each other. Carefully I place my hand into yours, feel your arm draw me close to you, afraid of the warmth and the tenderness, yet needing it like the earth needs the rain. We move slowly, breathing in and out quietly, to still the tremors that course through our bodies involuntarily. We're here. A place familiar yet strange. How is that possible?

The tension slowly seeps away, making way to a languorous feel. I draw closer still, want to melt into you. I feel you draw closer too, feel the strength in your body bind me to you. I breath in your essence. I want to be here. I know I need to be here. I sense your joy of been here.

And so here we are!

Inner You

2009-05-28T19:07:00.002+03:00

Today her heart broke. Or so she thought. In retrospect, it was just the existing wear and tear showing up, reminding her that she had not healed. Guess when you use tape instead of super glue, you will be in trouble. She let her heart take over, lost all her objectivity, listening to his pleadings and believing his promises of eternal love. She dared to look back, to hope that they could still work. How did she get here? When did she miss the turning and wound up on this familiar yet terrifying road?

In the process, she did get a new perspective. She stepped outside her realm and looked on, as the drama unfolded. She had been sucker punched and getting perspective when you are doubled up in pain, wasn't an easy feat. The pain reminded her to breath, to reach up and get up from way down there in the pit of self pity.

She is still smarting over, annoyed for the time lost, absolutely pissed off, especially at herself for losing focus, getting her eye off the real project. She has to start all over again and she can only hope that the footing lost will not cost her some more years of anguish and loneliness. Yes, her heart broke today but the most amazing thing happened.....her inner eyes opened and her sense of self arose. She is not just listening, she is understanding what is required of her.

Waiting

2009-05-21T21:05:00.003+03:00

She did all she could have done, tried to move on to no avail. So she resolved to wait for him to figure it out, that they were connected for life. That walking away was never an option. That it didn't matter how far away he stayed or the fact that he never called. Her flings, the CFAs counted for nothing. They just had to be here, starting all over, knowing that they were meant to be. It was long in coming, the wait felt like a lifetime.

They both know that they are not there yet, but knowing that thus far they have come, the journey ahead is bearable. They have loved each other relentlessly even as one heart went south and the other east.....longed, yearned even for the moment when they would come back to the centre. A place warmed by friendship made over the years, though it has taken a beating, there's more than embers to light the fires to get them going again.

And the waiting is worth the joy of their culmination.

SMSEX

2009-05-18T22:22:00.002+03:00

You know that guy or that babe, the one you are angling for but cannot, should never, ever even look at. She is hot, absolutely sexy but she is your best mate's gal. Or that guy who is going out, worst still married to, your gf. You both know that you can never get together but moments come up and you get to flirt, telling each other the most outrageuous, daring sexy thoughts ever and it goes something like this:-

“Show me yours. I’ll show you mine,” he says.

“Do you want to see only or do you want to touch?” she asks

“Touch”, he says. “Everywhere. Your breasts, cup them in my hands, feel your nipples slowly respond. I kiss you deeply and feel your naked body press against me, a sense of urgency building up as we try and prolong the moment. My hand is leaving your breast and inching downwards, taking in your soft, brown skin as it seeks out your secret pleasure.........”

“Ooooh!” She moans and whispers, “Am flushed hot, all over my body. And I can feel wetness trickle down the insides of my thighs.....I reach out and feel your skin, my legs part all so slowly, I pull you down and kiss you back ever so slowly as I seek to get you beneath me. I move my tongue over your stomach, working down to the hardness of you; I open my mouth and take you in......”

Moaning softly he whispers back, “I feel the warmth of your mouth as you take me in, you slowly move up & down and the feeling is unimaginable. I reach down and move your body into position as you continue to work your magic. Your body is now over me. I lift your legs so that now you are above me. I lift my head to taste the essence of our love. You moan........”

“And groan and almost lose control to the emotions your tongue evokes. I can’t wait, I need you inside me, and I need you to feel me. I move my body, I want you on top of me, you oblige and slowly, ever so slowly I feel you enter me and I am outta breath. I feel my body lift to receive”, she whispers.

“The warmth of you engulfs me as you thrust upwards, gyrating your hips. You wrap your legs around me and pull me in deeper. I can feel the very depth of you. The moment takes over as we are caught up in rapture. We move faster, with more urgency.......” his voice trails off.

And she picks up and whispers, “ in a perfect rhythm, kissing deeply, our senses in tune, our heartbeats moving in response of the other, giving as much as we are taking, staring into each other’s eyes, marvelled by the beauty of the emotions we evoke in each other. You thrust deeper, stronger. I feel the beginning of my orgasm......I think I am going to die!’’ She gasps.

“I can feel it too”, he affirms, “a rising tide in a sea of emotions. What is this feeling building up in me? I look into your eyes and see it there too, the moment is now. The tide rises and begins to crash into our willing shores. We hold on tight to each other. We call out each other’s name as we lose ourselves in the galaxy of ecstasy......”

“Where stars explode in a myriad of colours, with each splash applause of this amazing passion that has taken us over. We drink deep of each other, our heartbeats a drumbeat that adds a jungle like rhythm to the beat we are moving to. Our breathing harsh, struggling to take oxygen in.......slowly quieting down.....”

“To savour the moment. You tense your inner muscles and I can feel you take hold of me from inside. It’s a beautiful moment. We kiss softly and hold on tightly to each other as we wait for sleep so sweet to come.”

And you both move on, not considering the emotional unfaithfulness you have both committed

2009-05-13T21:33:00.002+03:00

"I know by his scent

Before he reaches my hair

That the breeze has risen

And dances upon the meadow.

If one could take love

as one takes a lover

and rest his head

between the breasts

and know peace!"

~ Excerpt from The Thousand and One Nights

When Will The Day break?

2009-05-12T22:25:00.001+03:00

There is a time when one needs to grow up and get to a point where you can walk with the rest of the grownups. You know those people in your life who seem to have it all together. They probably already own a few acres of land, a car or two; have great jobs, possibly a thriving business and have a fabulous relationship and great kids. And now you are wondering where you went wrong. I mean you went to the same crappy school, they were not as bright as you and you were the one all the teachers knew would do great. Hell, even your village back home, they all knew you were destined for great things. And many a mothers visited your parents to convince them that their child was better suited to marry you. You dare not visit the village, for the loud whispers and quiet laughs of scorn will strip you of the last shred of dignity you are clinging to.

So here you are, caught up in a job that gives you no satisfaction, barely pays the bills and that workmate across from your desk, need to really check themselves before you are thrown into jail for a heinous crime, like gutting them alive. You wake up every morning, convinced that it’s going to be a better day; you have resolved in the wee hours of the night that you are turning a new leaf that your life will change. So, you get to the office and it’s roller coaster and before you can catch your breath long enough to get round to your resolutions the day is over and you are tired like a dog, can hardly think let alone walk to the bus stop to catch a bus home.

Another end of day, you sink into the comfort of your sofa, your favourite corner and surf the TV channels. Gosh, what you would give for pay TV!!! You are thinking of the resolutions you made yester night, when the plan was so clear. Maybe you should have written it down, word for word, step by step. Visualized it, cut out pictures from old magazines and pasted them on a Vision Board to bring the dream closer, isn’t that what John Assaraf did in The Secret? (Byrne, 2006) He not only got a great wife but his business was great and he now lives in his dream house!! Maybe, you could still do that but, oh boy! It’s been such a long, long day!!! And Lord knows you gave 110 in time and attitude, so for tonight, just for tonight, you allow yourself to put up your feet and be lazy and tell yourself you will most definitely pick it all up tomorrow. Who knows, you will even have a solutions to the kinks in this grand plan to move your sorry self to opulence.

And so here you are, full circle wondering where is your daybreak? Will it ever come? Do you have the strength to go after it? Will you keep the resolutions that you make in the insomniac episodes that dog your sleep? Do you have what it takes? Well, you could always sleep on it. Or you could get off your lazy self and make your daybreak happen.

Valentine Ramblings

2009-05-12T21:50:00.002+03:00

The flowers and chocolates are in plenty. The girls in the office seem to have a competition as to who will receive the largest bouquet of red roses or the most amazing Swiss made, to-die for chocolates. There is a sense of excitement that clings like an aura on most of them. They are charged with an energy that makes their step light, airy and the smiles come easily. Happy Valentine seems to be the greeting on most lips. It sure feels like a holiday!
I am not part of that excitement. I am the silent observer, taking it all in as the men seem to get infected too. Valentine has always been a time that I am not in a relationship. What or who in the world sat and came up with valentine? A time when so much joy can be experienced by one person; while another curls up in foetal position, wishing for death to provide an escape so much needed.
In the recent years when my son became old enough to follow news, he has been my valentine. A time we sit and just are, playing silly games like making shapes with lights and shadows. And I go over the answers of what’s valentine and what it should mean. This year I am bereft for my valentine is away in school and I will be sitting alone and possibly attempt to play with the shadows.
My siblings seem to be concerned that I will be home alone. I have a lunch invite at one house and a sleepover at another. The concern is touching yet it irritates mildly. I am okay. I intend to be okay. I still consider the invites and go over for lunch, the sleepover not taken up. Tonight of all nights I want to be in familiar surroundings, sit around and indulge myself in a glass of wine, possibly put something down in my journal or watch a movie that has nothing to do with cupid and his arrows which he is clearly not aiming my way, let alone shooting.
I am home but am not alone. I have company. Someone who warms my heart and unwittingly causes my lips to curl up in a constant smile while a laugh gurgles over. It seems the universe knew exactly what I needed this day. A pair of hands so soft my heart weeps. A hug so small, yet strong enough to give me comfort. My three year old niece has refused to go home with her mom and wants to spend the evening with her auntie and sleep in her auntie’s bed.
We play with lights and shadows. We read a story. Sing and dance. Fall over laughing over silly sounds and jokes. Share a meal. My funny little valentine. A gift so much better than the chocolates and the roses. And I am renewed. Though my little man is not here, I got the next best thing. I got to share valentine with someone who loves him as much as I do.
I guess that’s what valentine is all about. Sharing a meaningful evening with someone who thinks the world of you. And you do too.

Ramblings on Mother's Day

2009-05-12T21:42:00.002+03:00

Mom. Mommy. Mami. Maitú. A sound so sweet on the lips, music to the ears of every mother. A name some take for granted while others still will commit a crime just so she can respond to this name.

When I finally become a mum, it took awhile for enormous task before me sank in; zilch social life, sleepless nights, unkempt hair, ugly looking clothes, figuring out what each cry represented. Was he wet, hungry, warm enough, or just enjoying the power he had over me, knowing each cry will have me running to his side, that I will pick him and give him my warmth, my love, my smile even though I was dying to scream, and best of all a nipple to suckle on happily. I remember looking at my own mother then and a sense of awe came over me; she had done this eight times. I asked her how she managed, how could she have done it and never lost her head and walked away. I wondered whether I would make it. Did I have it in me to give my son everything he needed, wanted? Did I know how? You see, been a mother is the most amazing learn as you go job that any woman will ever undertake. This is where the most objective, intelligent woman becomes all mush and makes decisions that are so emotional, she stops to figure out what happened to her. You walk the floor when they won't sleep due to colic and you still walk it when they go for that first sleep over; camp; first day at boarding school and on their first date, wondering if they will make it home in one piece.

Well, I have been on this job for nine years so far. The journey has been amazing. There are moments when I wonder if am fit for the job, when I make decisions and wonder if I really know what I am doing. Still there are days when I do allow myself to forget that I am a mother and reach out for my mother so that she can baby me and I allow her to nourish me; teach what she has learnt during her years of motherhood and its a rich well of nearly fifty years. She talks to me and tells me what I should do with my life, what I should wear or shouldn't wear; whether I should really be dating that man or hanging out with that friend. Best of all, she applauds my efforts and gives me the encouragement to get up and give life a go. Then she gently pushes me back into my life and reminds me that I am needed by my son; that I can do this or that when I listen to that still small voice, I will move in the right direction and give my son not just what I thought possible.

So here I go again, reaching for my mother in my quest to be a great mom; taking that which will work for my son, loving my mother for who she made me into, forgiving her for that which I feel wronged and sidelined. And so I continue into this adventure, where I will make the right decisions but also accepting that I really don't know it all.

What's The Hulla For?

2008-07-19T23:50:00.001+03:00

So, why do I need to go through the process of personal branding? If I can just know my purpose, isn't that enough? I guess that could be true, I mean if my purpose is to sing, why not just sing? But as you delve into the world of personal branding, you realize that you do need to fully develop the main elements of personal branding. These are personality, appearance, competencies and differentiation.

Is my appearnce in line with my personality? Am I a conservative with a Bohemian appearance?

My competencies address my skills and abilities. Working on my personal brand helps me to identify what needs to be developed, improved or done away with.so, if painting I get my own style, own it to the point it becomes a trademark.

Personal branding ensures that I am able to differentiate myself, set myself apart. Furthermore, I discover more of me, I am able to define myself better, express myself better.

That's the hulla!!